These transcripts are for your enjoyment, but please do not reuse, readapt or reproduce without express written permission. ~ Ken
CAST & VOICE TALENT
KEN: This is Kenneth Vigue…and we are back! Season 2…when honestly, I never, ever expected there to be a full season 1. I never expected these stories to take off as they did, nor think that after giving up writing completely that we would make headlines, much less be seen at Bethesda Game Days or QuakeCon At Home. I owe all of that to all of you and the amazing cast and crew we have. We passed over 300,000 listens and subscriptions to this show, which is frankly mind boggling. Thank you. Following this this episode I’ll have some more announcements and news, but I’ve kept you waiting for episodes for long enough…so let’s dive into our second episode of season 2 featuring some big guest stars: Bethesda’s Pete Hines, the iconic Oxhorn and YouTuber Kevduit. Last summer the gang found themselves at a long-forgotten scout camp and during their time there they were stalked by the shadow of an old-world legend: The Sickleman. To their horror that serial killer once unmasked was the Overseer, driven mad by The Appalachia Experiment. As we open on the close of another summer in Appalachia, Chad, Simon and the gang will be headed back to camp to face something they woke up in those waters. Pack a bag, don’t forget your toothbrush, a lot of Stimpaks and your dog-eared copies of Lad’s Life…because there’s something emerging from the water and a scrawled message in chalk is morphing. It reads, The Sickleman IS Here. But with his return there is a forlorn and staticky transmission coming through your PipBoy? Hear it? It’s a call for help from the future with a warning. The Sickleman is but a herald. There is something far, far worse coming…
SCENE 1: INT. DARKNESS.
SFX: TV SWITCH IS HEARD. SCREEN FLICKERS TO LIFE. A VHS TAPE IS INSERTED. VHS UI POPS UP AND SHOWS PLAY OVER A BLUE VAULT-TEC SCREEN.
SCENE 2: INT. ATLAS OBSERVATORY.
SFX: ROARING FLAMES HEARD. EXPLOSIONS. SHORT CIRCUITS. DISTORTED COMPUTER VOICE ECHOES THROUGH THE ROOM. KLAXON BLARING.
COMPUTER: Warning. Atmospheric Terraforming Laser Accelerator System offline. Reactor exceeding thermal tolerance. Accelerator offline. Critical failure in t minus 2 minutes and counting.
SFX: DRAGGING NOISE. SPLUTTERING BLOOD. GASPING BREATH. KEYBOARD TYPING IS HEARD.
COMPUTER: Remote access authorization complete. Sat com link initiated…standby.
SFX: MODEM SOUND.
COMPUTER: Standby. Link complete. Broadcasting on all bands and frequencies. Channel open.
AMATA: This (gasping, dying)…this is Amata….Hayes. This is….fuck….ah….this is a message to any and all survivors, U.S. Army or Brotherhood of Steel. Appa….West Virginia is lost. There is a pyroclastic firestorm that is rapidly closing in on my position at Project A.T.L.A.S. It…ahhh God…I’ve managed to isolate the region and turned the storm inward but…there won’t be anything left here. With this broadcast I am uploading terminal and audio entries as a warning. He’s coming. That son of a bitch who did this…who killed us all. Don’t trust him. Don’t be fooled by him. He’s a liar and a monster and he’s headed your way. It….it started a year ago. That’s when we found out about Project Lazarus and subject V-101A, Victor Miller. Ahhh…I…I’m uploading audio logs and entries to explain, but please listen to me…he’s coming your way. Don’t let him succeed. He’s lost his fucking mind. (Pained scream) Please…don’t believe him.
COMPUTER: Attention: sat com signal at 82% and falling. Critical thermal damage to sat com relays. Reactor containment failing.
AMATA: If Braun or Vault-Tec is monitoring this…FUCK YOU. We know what you did and so will the world. This warning IS NOT for you. You’re getting what’s coming to you. But he’s not going to stop there…a lot of innocent people are going to be killed by the times he’s done. That’s why I’m uploading my holotape and logs now.
SFX: KEYBOARD TYPING.
COMPUTER: Attention sat com signal at 58% and falling. Data fragmentation irreversible.
AMATA: DAMN IT! Listen…salvage what you can…they’ll explain everything. It started at Camp Wannagrindalot…but that was so long ago now…
COMPUTER: Warning. Reactor breach in progress. Please move all personnel to minimum safe distance. Sat com signal at 32%. Sat com relays 1 and 6 offline.
AMATA: (weaker) Again this is Amata Hayes, transmitting on all frequencies. If you receive this message, please relay this transmission to the Pentagon, coordinates…
COMPUTER: Sat com link disconnected. Relays 1 through 6 offline. Reactor….reactor….overload….breacchhhhhh breaccchhhhh
SFX: EXPLOSIONS AND SHORT CIRCUITS.
SFX: SMASH OF EQUIPMENT. FALLS TO FLOOR.
AMATA: Have to….someone has to stop…. (final breath)
SFX: RADIO STATIC
SIMON: AMATA! AMATA RESPOND! GET OUT OF THERE! GET OUT OF THERE NOW PLEASE! AMATA ANSWER ME! PLEASE!
SFX: BUILDING ENERGY AND PITCH. MASSIVE EXPLOSION.
MEDIA: THEME SONG
SCENE 3: FOREST. DAY.
SFX: BIRDS SINGING.
CHAD: Come on kid, let’s get those turkey legs kickin’.
SUSIE: But we’ve been hiking for HOURSSSSSSS.
CHAD: You’ve been inside playing with those PipBoy games all week in some kind of moody funk and if you off Patsy one more time she’s going to lose it.
ELLA: Watch out for that roller-skate on the stairs Fatsy! TEE HEE! Is that a live wire in the bathtub? Let’s find out! WHEEEEEE!
SUSIE: But I’m bored. When are we going home?
CHAD: We’re almost there. Look, see! The top of the hill is right up there. Tell you what, after this we’ll go hit up that diner we passed for some pie.
SUSIE: Oh boy! I love pie!
CHAD: (Chuckles) Yeah=== me too.
SFX: WIND PICKS UP A LITTLE. CRUNCHING LEAVES.
CHAD: Why don’t you run on ahead…right over that way.
SUSIE: Oh! Look at all the pretty flowers Ella! Hey! What’s that over there….it’s
PUNCH: SIR PLIESSS!
PATSY: (Unenthusiastic) Whatever
SUSIE: It’s a little tea party! With balloons and everything! Is this for me?! And look! All our friends are dressed up like bears! It’s our teddy bear picnic!
PATSY: Like, can I take this costume off please? It smells like someone died in here.
MOOSE: Someone did babe! I found it in a dumpster.
PATSY: Oh my god Moose! What the hell!?! It’s all itchy in here.
CHAD: Happy birthday curtain climber! I know you’ve been in a funk all week cuz ah your birthday comin’ up.
PUNCH: SIR PLIESSSS!
CHAD: So we got the gang up here to throw you a little surprise party.
SUSIE: Oh! I love it! Look at all the little cakes Ella!
ELLA: Alright. Imma head out. This is too fucking wholesome.
CHAD: Grab that flamethrower Moose bro and hit those candles.
MOOSE: On it!
SFX: FLAMETHROWER NOISE.
PATSY: Umm…I think you set the woods on fire.
MEDIA: MOOSE, PATSY, PUNCH, CHAD SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
SINGING: Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday dear Susie!
Happy birthday to you!
PUNCH: SIR PLIESSSS!
CHAD: Punch dude we did that already.
PUNCH: Happy birfday to youuuu!
CHAD: No we did that too dude.
PUNCH: (Pause) MOUNTAIN MOMMA!
CHAD: Make a wish kid and blow out the candles.
SUSIE: Ummmm…oh! Oh! I know!
SFX: BLOW NOISE. EVERYONE CLAPS.
MOOSE: What’d you wish for kid?
PATSY: I’d wish for a shovel. She replaced my shampoo with toxic goo the little…
CHAD: ANYWAY. Keep it to yourself. If you say it, it won’t come true.
SUSIE: Prezzies time! Prezzies time!
PUNCH: PUNCH GO FIRST! PUNCH GO FIRST!
CHAD: Okay, okay bro. Have at it.
SFX: WRAPPING PAPER NOISE.
MOOSE: Ummm…no dude. She’s supposed to open it.
PUNCH: Happy birfday!
SUSIE: Oh look Ella! It’s….what is it?
PATSY: Groddy! Whose skull is that?
PUNCH: Punch found. Make good ass tray. Or to sew….sooo….sort silly human metal things for cook and eat. Or maybe funny hat.
ELLA: Okay I’m back and I love that. Tee hee! Let’s collect more!
CHAD: That’s uhh….let’s just put that over here.
MOOSE: Here you go little ghoul. This is from me and Patsy.
PATSY: What? No, it’s not. I don’t even want to be here.
MOOSE: Come on babe…keep your cool.
SFX: WRAPPING PAPER NOISE.
SUSIE: Ohhhh! A Commie Whommie Whacker!
ELLA: Let’s cover it with razor blades and tickle people on the highway after dark! Tee hee!
SUSIE: I love it! Thank you Moose.
CHAD: Here you go squirt. This gift is a 2-parter.
SFX: WRAPPING PAPER NOISE.
SUSIE: (Gasps) Ohhhh Ella! It’s a scary mask!
ELLA: ALL HAIL THE DARK LORD! TEE HEE!
SUSIE: No Ella, don’t be silly. It’s one of those Bad Claw Masks from that parade place!
PUNCH: (Singing Fasnacht Theme) DOOO DOOO OOO DOOO DOOO DAHH DOOO DOO DOOO DOOOO…
PUNCH: Punch sorry.
SUSIE: It’s the best present ever!
CHAD: Why don’t you try it on?
SUSIE: I….I can’t…something’s stuck inside. It’s some paper. It’s…OH BOY OH BOY!
CHAD: I was scamming some plebs down in Clarksville and saw one of the bots puttin’ up the Ghoul Scout Camp posters downtown. I know this has been a fucked up year on the run and everything. Losing our home. Ducking the 5-0 and everything. I remembered how much fun you had there last year and thought we could use a break now that summer’s over.
SUSIE: (Emotional) Oh it’s….this is the bestest birthday I’ve ever had!
ELLA: Remember at Scout Camp, only you can set forest fires! Tee hee!
PATSY: Okay I’m taking this freaky furry suit head off and eatin’ some cake.
MOOSE: I gotta take a leak….should be interesting in this suit.
SFX: WALKING. LEAVES CRUNCH. UNZIPPING PEEING NOISE.
MOOSE: (Singing) Oh I gotta spurrrrss that tinkle tinkle tinkleeeeee….
Hey…that’s that. Hey Chad bro! Come check this out.
CHAD: God damn it dude, no one wants to see you turn your junk into a hamburger again.
MOOSE: No, no…look it’s one of those weird metal things.
CHAD: Oh yeah…there’s a pile of them.
SUSIE: Those are bicycles.
CHAD: What cycles?
SUSIE: Bicycles silly. Everyone knows what a bicycle is.
MOOSE: Hey Pats come check this out.
PATSY: (Sighs) What? So what? It’s a pile of scrap metal. Like big deal.
SUSIE: You ride them! They’re lots of fun.
CHAD: What do you mean ride them?
SUSIE: You’ve never heard of a bicycle? I’ve been riding them since I was little. My Daddy taught me. Whose never heard of a bicycle?
ELLA: We’re getting into some deep meta here. Tee hee!
CHAD: How…how do you ride it?
SUSIE: Look, I’ll show you see. You sit on it and ring a ding the bell and off wee gooooooo Wheeee!
SFX: BIKE BELL AND BIKE PEDDLING NOISE IN CIRCLES.
CHAD: Slow down kid! You’ll get hurt.
SUSIE: It’s fine. I’ve been riding them for a long time. You try.
CHAD: It’s just scrap metal. I can’t even pick it up.
SUSIE: What? You just reach out and pick it up.
PUNCH: Punch ride! Punch ride!
SFX: METAL TEARING SOUND. TIRES POP.
PUNCH: Awww….no ride for Punch. Stupid bi sickle.
SUSIE: Come on Chad! I bet even FATSY could do it!
PATSY: What did you say you little shit?! I’ll show you! See! I…owww…my head.
SUSIE: Come on Poopie Pants Pats! You put your feet to the pedals and go. Like this!!! WHEEEE!!!
SFX: BIKE PEDDLING.
PATSY: If you can do it, I can do it! Whoa….whoa…I….
ELLA: You have to balance silly, stop flailing around like it’s date night. Tee hee!
PATSY: I….I think….I’ve got it! This is…this is like totally rad! Look at me goo! I AHHHH….MY….
SFX: BIKE CRASH.
CHAD: She’s out cold. Here…give her some water.
SFX: SPLASH. DRINKING.
CHAD: You just passed out.
MOOSE: You okay babe? How many fingers am I holding up. Sniff em.
PATSY: (Weakly) That’s gross Moose.
MOOSE: (Laughing) She’s 5x5. Come on babe…up we go.
CHAD: What happened?
PATSY: My head is killing me.
MOOSE: Your nose is bleeding…
SUSIE: Oh. She’s still alive. Shame.
CHAD: Come on kid, stop playing with that scrap metal and let’s finish up your birthday cake.
SUSIE: Scap metal? It’s a…bicycle?
CHAD: A what? Shit…what the hell? God damn nosebleed. Too much time indoors swiggin’ beer. Need to start crunchin’ more.
SUSIE: What’s wrong with you guys? You’re acting all weird.
PUNCH: Come little friend. Leave bye bye sickle alone. Come have cake with Punch. It sweet like puny human head insides, but with sugary yum yum.
MOO SE: Must be the air and stuff up here bro. I got a nosebleed too.
ELLA: Can you say foreshadowing? Tee hee!
SFX: THUNDER. RAIN STARTS DOWNPOURING.
PATSY: Oh no! This costume is getting drenched! I’m going to smell like wet dog!
CHAD: God damn it…storm came out of nowhere. Let’s hoof it back to that diner. Cake’s ruined.
SUSIE: Oh boy! Pie time! Pie time! Pick me up Mr. Punch! Pick me up! Let’s run down the hill!
PUNCH: Up friend go. RUN AWAYYYYY! AHHHHHHHHH!
SUSIE: Wheeee! Come on Chad!
MOOSE: Race you bro! Last one there gets to pay the bill and get a Powerfist nut tap!
CHAD: Oh fuck that dude. It’s on!
PATSY: Wait! WAIT FOR MEEEEEE!
SCENE 4: CUT TO: EXT. NIGHT.
SFX: RAIN, THUNDER AND LIGHTNING.
HAWKINS: …look it’s like I told you. This is incredibly unorthodox. The Judge had very specific do not approach, do not contact orders. He meant absolutely no visitors. People don’t just stroll into the Eastern Regional Penitentiary. Officers and prison personnel are forbidden from even speaking to her.
HUGO: And honestly, isn’t that a little unusual? Why would it matter unless there was the risk of her saying something that she wasn’t supposed to.
HAWKINS: I’m not paid to ask those kinds of questions.
HUGO: 100 caps a week and some aid? That’s hardly payment.
HAWKINS: Just what are you hoping to find here? You’ve been digging around this story since the People vs. Rex / Johnson case.
HUGO: Because we aren’t meant to be immortal that’s why. I’ve been blown up, eaten by a Deathclaw, sacrificed to a giant moth, starved, stabbed and run over by someone floating down the road at 50 miles an hour in an invisible car. There is something very wrong with this world and with us. There is only one other person asking questions about what is going on here and he’s now on the Most Wanted list.
HAWKINS: Simon Rex and Chad Johnson are convicted felons. (Threatening) And if you have been talking to Rex and the Commander, Fletcher or the Judge find out they’ll slam you for aiding and abetting a wanted felon.
HUGO: No! I haven’t found him. I’ve tried. But the Overseer has answers…and after the Judge found out that I talked to her, he had my pass pulled and laid into Fletcher for getting me in, in the first place. He’s hiding something.
HAWKINS: We’re coming up on the gate house now, let me do the talking. We play cards together.
GUARD #1: Well, well, well. Look who hauled himself all the way up here from HQ on a Saturday. Shouldn’t you be cleaning out Kori and Barnett shooting pool?
HAWKINS: Nah, not tonight. Needed to bring some follow up paperwork regarding the Warlord and to show my friend around the place.
GUARD #1: Friend? He’s a civilian?
HAWKINS: Yeah, but I can vouch for him.
GUARD #1: Look I’d love to man, but if the Commander finds out he’ll have my ass.
HAWKINS: Come on Bill, you still owe me for that Harper’s Ferry incident. He’s never seen the inside of a prison. We’re just going to do a quick walk around in the non-secure areas and then head back for a beer.
GUARD #1: (Mumbles) (Sighs) Allright…but look if the Commander catches you guys in there I’m sticking firm with not even seeing the two of you and that you snuck him in. Clear?
SFX: HEAVY BUZZER. SECURITY GATE OPENS.
HUGO: Hey. Quick question, there’s like a 50-foot hole in the back of the building. What’s the point of you guarding the front?
HAWKINS: (Annoyed) Let’s GO friend!
HUGO: Ehm nice meeting you!
SFX: FOOTSTEPS. KEYPAD NOISES. HEAVY BUZZER. OUTER DOOR UNLOCKS.
HAWKINS: She’s up in the secure wing. I just need to grab the keycards from the security booth. I can give you 10 minutes with her, got it?
CMDR. JOHNS: Evening fellas. 10 minutes for what?
CMDR. JOHNS: Hawkins…I don’t even know where to begin.
HAWKINS: I…look…I just…
CMDR. JOHNS: Do you have any idea what would happen if The Judge or Fletcher found you in here with him? His passes have been pulled.
HUGO: He’s standing right here Commander.
CMDR. JOHNS: Look Hugo I sympathize with you and the press. But the Judge is on his way over here with the Baliff and District Attorney Fletcher to transfer the Overseer to a more secure facility.
HUGO: What? Where?
CMDR. JOHNS: The Firebreathers cleared out the AMS Mining Tower in Watoga and retrofitted it into a maximum security facility for her, Rex, Johnson, the Vultures, some of the cultisits…hell even some of those E.A.T.T. cannibals.
HAWKINS: What’s wrong with here?
CMDR. JOHNS: This prison was never designed for this century. It’s over 200 years old now and it’s falling apart. It is strategically weak.
HUGO: Listen to me, Connor if I may? You know just as well as I do that something is wrong with this place. Please…just give me 10 minutes with her. Once she’s in that tower, none of us will get answers.
CMDR. JOHNS: (Sighs) I’m getting too old for this shit.
SFX: RADIO COM TONE.
CMDR. JOHNS: 10-86 to Dispatch. Anders come-in.
CMDR. J OHNS: Officer Hawkins is here with Hugo Warren. Let them through North Block. I’ll give him 10 minutes with her.
CMDR. JOHNS: What now?
CMDR. JOHNS: WHAT??
HUGO: She gets more fans than the Silver Shroud.
CMDR. JOHNS: Fine. I’ll handle it. Johns out.
SFX: RADIO STATIC.
CMDR. JOHNS: Look, take him up there and wait with him. Keep your com open, if the Judge shows up you get him and Vince the hell out of here or it’ll be our asses.
HAWKINS: Yes sir. Come on Hugo.
HUGO: Thank you for this.
CMDR. JOHN: 10 minutes. Any longer and you’re on your own.
MEDIA: MUSIC TRANSITION
SCENE 5: EXT. NIGHT. ROADWAY
SFX: RAIN, THUNDER AND LIGHTNING. RUNNING.
PATSY: Moose! Wait! Pick me up or something! Ohhhhh my hair and makeup….and I’ve had ENOUGH of this wet bear suit. It’s gross!
CHAD: Ha! Git gud Moose. Made it!
MOOSE: Oh man…
SFX: POWERFIST NOISE
MOOSE: AH! Damn dude!
SUSIE: Faster Mr. Punch fasterrrrrr!
ELLA: My nuclear fusion batteries are getting wet, but this is fine. Tee hee! BOOOM!
PUNCH: What dis place Chode?
CHAD: The Red Sloe’s Diner? Some new dive to grab some grub. Come on. Let’s get dry. Moose here is paying.
MOOSE: This sucks dude…took me all week to rob plebs.
PUNCH: YUCKKKK. Punch no like puny human food. Punch go find some real meatbag.
CHAD: Alright, just don’t be gone long dude. We’re gonna stuff our faces and then hit the pavement. I don’t want to be hangin’ around all night waitin’.
SFX: DOOR BELL RINGS. SOFT MUSIC IS HEARD ON JUKEBOX.
AMATA: (Muffled calling from kitchen) Grab a booth anywhere! Be with you in a minute. Just gotta pop these pies in the oven!
SUSIE: Oh boy Ella! Look! One of those funny donut head bot bots!
ELLA: (Sinister) Their inferior technology is no match for mine. (Over the top excited) Let’s crack its skull open and eat those donuts! Tee hee!
SUSIE: Chad can I get some treats? Pleaseeeeeeee?
CHAD: Course. It is your birthday. Moose?
MOOSE: Huh? (Pause) You’re killin’ me bro. Here you go kid.
SFX: BOTTLE CAPS JINGLE.
PATSY: What’s his problem?
CHAD: Who’s problem?
PATSY: That creep in the corner in the Mr. Fuzzy outfit.
CHAD: You’re standing here in nothing but your bra and panties. Here, take my coat.
MOOSE: Hey! Dude! Why don’t get back to reading your newspaper? This piece of ass ain’t open for window shoppin’.
SFX: NEWSPAPER RUSTLE.
MOOSE: Yeah that’s right. (Pause) Ohhhh! Teriyaki yao guai ribs!
CHAD: Let’s grab a booth.
PATSY: Thanks baby.
MOOSE: No one parks in my parking spot love muffin.
SFX: DOUBLE DOOR SWOOSH AND FOOTSTEPS.
AMATA: Alright folks. Welcome to the….
PATSY: Well, well, well…
MOOSE: Oh man…from NERDDDDD to DISHWASHER. (Laughs)
CHAD: Amata. What’s hangin’?
PATSY: Like it sure isn’t those A- cups.
AMATA: JAKE! Jake come quick!
JAKE: WHAT?! What’s wrong! Oh.
SFX: SHOTGUN COCKED.
MOOSE: Slow your roll there food build.
SFX: LASER RIFLE POWERS UP.
CHAD: Come on guys…cool it.
AMATA: Get the FUCK out of here Chad.
CHAD: Hold up, hold up. We ain’t here to cause trouble. We’re here for dinner. It’s the kid’s birthday.
JAKE: Maybe you didn’t hear her. She said out. You. Door. NOW.
SUSIE: Chad! Chad! Look! The funny robot said it’s…uhmm… candy cotton! Like that funny stuff in chairs, but it’s made of sugar!
ELLA: Keep inhaling that stuff kid. The last time you were this high on sugar we Pint Sized Slashered our way through the Morgantown Airport. Tee hee!
AMATA: Well….well hey there. What’s your name?
SUSIE: I’m Susie and this is my friend Ella. It’s my birthday today!
AMATA: Oh…it…it is? How old are you?
SUSIE: Well shucks I don’t know. But look! I got some neat prezzies! And Chad said we could have some pie for desert!
AMATA: Oh he did, did he? (Quieter to Jake) Put it down.
JAKE (quietly): They are WANTED felons Amata. We don’t need this kind of trouble.
AMATA: She’s a kid. Put it away.
JAKE: Fine…but I have a bad feeling about this.
AMATA: Well you know what kid? Here we have 8 different kinds of pies. But since it’s your birthday, how about a slice of Perfectly Preserved Pie? I put a little dollop of whipped sugared silt bean right on top of the sauce and it’s my personal favorite.
SUSIE: Oh, that sounds yummy Ella!
ELLA: Put me down so I can sprinkle rat poison inside the pie safe over there! Wheeee!
AMATA: Right…what about the rest of you guys? Need a minute with the menu?
PATSY: No! Let’s clean out the register and torch this place.
JAKE: Let’s see you try Valley Galleria mall trash.
MOOSE: Cool it babe. It’s the kid’s birthday.
PATSY: Like, what are we even doing here? We’re eating dinner in scuzzy Amata’s dive diner, the Red Slut? When did we become so fucking domestic!?! Aren’t we raiders or something? When did we start paying for shit?!
CHAD: SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP.
MOOSE: Shhh shh shh. Don’t.
SFX: STUNNED SILENCE. AMBIANCE.
CHAD: Come on kid. Hop up here next to me. Now we’re going to have a nice meal here as a family, then Moose here is going to pay up and we’ll be hitting the road. Like I said, no trouble. Fair?
AMATA: (Pause) Fair enough. Now…how about some pie?
SUSIE: Oh! Do you sell Bufftits?
MEDIA: MUSIC TRANSITION
SCENE 6: EXT. NIGHT. CRYSTAL LAKE.
SFX: RAIN, THUNDER AND LIGHTNING. FOOTSTEPS.
KAREN: (Giggling) Stop it Fast Freddie! I’m soaking wet! What are we doing out here?
FREDDIE: Don’t be such a square Karen. Here…take my raincoat. There…is that better?
KAREN: A little yeah.
FREDDIE: Look at you Karen…you’re shivering. Come here. Is this a little better?
KAREN: A little bit…
FREDDIE: Feeling warmer now?
FREDDIE: What if I do this…
SFX: KISSING NOISE.
KAREN: Oh Fast Freddie…
THOMAS: Ahem. Heck of a night for you kids to be neckin’ you’ll catch your death out here!
KAREN: Who is that?
FREDDIE: Stay back mister! I’ve got a Death Tambo with a festive holiday paint job!
THOMAS: (Small laugh) No need to get all aggro. The names Mueller, Thomas Mueller. Just makin’ my way home myself. Look! See! No weapons armed. Unless you count ol’ barb here my walking stick. But that’s mostly to keep those pesky molerats from chasing me from the Savage Divide clear on over to the Ash Heap. (Laugh)
FREDDIE: I’m Fast….I mean Freddie and this is Karen.
THOMAS: Nice to meet you both? What in blazes are you two doing out here?
FREDDIE: We…uhh…we’re trying to find the Possum Trail. My folks have a camp out this way. We’re meeting up with them for the weekend.
THOMAS: Oh it’s lovely around the lake this time of year. Most of the hopalong bloodied builds and clomp stompin’ Liberty Prime metalheads clear out after the summer to head back to the Whitesprings or Forest for the fall.
KAREN: Oh I love it here. It’s my favorite hiking spot…even after last year when…
FREDDIE: Put some ice on those heels Karen, good vibes only.
THOMAS: I can’t agree more. But you’re right Karen there is something special about this place. Well (small laugh) when its not raining buckets! I’m new to these parts myself. Family was born and bred here in Appalachia, but that was before….well you know. Your folks, they have a cabin?
FREDDIE: Nah…some spaceship made out of an old greenhouse with a Brahmin toss game out back. You should see those cows fly! (Laughs)
THOMAS: Well I don’t know if Vault-Tec would approve, but it’s not like there’s a building inspector out here any more is there? Here…why don’t you two have some RadAway. I have plenty and this rain will get you tick tick tickety before too long.
KAREN: Thank you sir.
THOMAS: You kids sure you don’t want to wait out the rain? My farm is just down the lane there. Misses passed on before Reclamation Day back in 76, so now it’s just me and Ol’ Jethro.
KAREN: Oh, is that your dog?
THOMAS: Nope! Can’t seem to tame one of those. Shuffled my genetic deck a few times and accidently whispered to a tick. So now he skitters along on behind me fast as you please when I’m out in the fields…it’s the silliest thing you ever did see.
FREDDIE: We appreciate it mister, but we need to get going. Can you tell us where the trailhead is?
THOMAS: Suit yourself. Head down the road here and you’ll see a rutted driveway on the right. Head up there a piece till you come to an old rusted out jeep and head left. You’ll see the trail marker there. Head left. Not right, you hear?
KAREN: Why not right?
THOMAS: That trail heads on out to the old Camp Wannagrindalot. You kids don’t want to be anywhere near there. Place is cursed.
KAREN: I know…last year I was up on Lover’s Leap when…
FREDDIE: Well thanks for the directions Mr. Mueller. You have a good night.
THOMAS: You too. A pleasant evening to you both. And remember…stay left! (Calling out) Don’t go anywhere near that place.
KAREN: Why did you keep cutting me off like that? And what was the lame-o story about your parents having a place up here?
FREDDIE: Don’t be a blockhead Karen, if you start in on that Sickleman stuff again it just freaks people out. Besides, I don’t want anyone to nosy and ruin my surprise. If he thought we were just some rando Dwellers roaming around out here he might get suspicious.
KAREN: Wait, what surprise?
FREDDIE: You…me…a dusty bottle of wine I found in a trash can in the Mire and the stars baby.
KAREN: But it’s pouring out!
FREDDIE: Not to worry. I had a back up plan. Here we go…dirt driveway just like he said.
KAREN: It’s awful dark out here…
FREDDIE: Here…take my hand. It’ll be fine. This will be great.
KAREN: It’s nice and warm.
FREDDIE: Karen…I…I just wanted to say I think you’re swell. When I robbed you at gunpoint at the junk yard, I felt…like a connection you know? Like touching a live wire. I was hooked baby.
KAREN: Oh Fast Freddie! When your friends showed up at my house later and blew it apart with heavy artillery…I felt something too.
FREDDIE: You’re the tops Karen. Hey look! There’s the jeep! Just like he said. And there...the trailhead. We’re almost there.
MEDIA: MUSIC TRANSITION
SCENE 7: INT. NIGHT. PRISON. DRIPPING SOUNDS HEARD.
VINCE: Still not eating? You need to. (small sigh, as if sitting down and getting comfortable). You must hate this, huh? Sitting here, locked up. You never were one to like confinement.
SFX: THE DRIP OF WATER (to fill the silence)
VINCE: Why’d you even take the job anyway if you didn’t like being confined?
OVERSEER: Why do you think? To save my people. To save Appalachia.
OVERSEER: It’s not! I gave up everything! My parents. My safety. Evan. We could have been down in DC, safe in Vault 101, but no. With stars in my eyes, and confidence in my blood, I was an idealist and blindly believed in Braun and Vault-Tec. Once I found out what they were up to, I thought I could outsmart the system and save us all. In the end, I stayed true to myself. Some people are actually loyal to their values, Vince. Not that you’d know anything about that.
VINCE : (Outraged) Loyal?! You want to talk about loyal? Who was it that left early huh? Who was it that took off after you PROMISED them we’d do this together? Who was it that wouldn’t even train those kids to defend themselves? You. That was ALL you. YOU chose to follow the original parameters of the experiment laid out by that sick bastard. So don’t give me that bullshit about loyalty. (Getting angry, but not pissed) You see your window, and you take it. You run, and leave somebody else holding the bag.
OVERSEER: Did you just come down here to throw a temper tantrum, or are you bothering me for a reason?
VINCE: This is a personal visit.
OVERSEER: You…you’re joking.
VINCE: This is the last time we will ever be able to see each other. They’re moving you to a place you’ll never come out of and that doesn’t allow visitors. I have things I wanted to say. (Frustrated sigh) I just.. you.. we could have had something! I…thought we did. You and me...we stuck together when that door opened, then after Christmas without even so much as a goodbye I woke up one morning and you were gone. Not even so much as a note. I just want answers.
OVERSEER: Answers. Just like always. Wanting to be the big man on campus, be in the know. Curiosity killed the cat you know.
VINCE: And satisfaction brought it back. It’s not some power play. I really wanted to help those kids. And you really screwed me over. Played me like a fiddle. (a short silence.)
VINCE: They uh…they’re reopening Camp Wannagrindalot.
OVERSEER: I heard.
VINCE: Last year…was so complicated. No matter how you and I planned, none of it mattered out here. I almost wish we were back in the vault. Things were so simple.
OVERSEER: Do you remember your birthday? The big four zero?
VINCE: I do.
OVERSEER: (Fond, nostalgic laugh) I had Benson make you those donuts. The secret recipe from Slocum’s Joe. I wasn’t supposed to do that you know. Had to use a Vault-Tec password to unlock him. There was paperwork too. Lots of bullshit justification on why I was introducing it to the Vault. They keep logs on everything.
VINCE: (Pouty) Mhmm.
OVERSEER: I did that for you. Just for you. Not to get on your good side. Not to make myself look like the good guy. Just for you. To make you happy. A little light in the darkness.
VINCE: (Grin as you say this, with a wistful nostalgia) It was pretty nice. I forgot how good they tasted. It was probably the best birthday I had down there. Quiet, too.
OVERSEER: (Laughing) and then Frank got drunk on the cooking sherry, and the cake.. The cake! (giggle)
VINCE: At that point, it was a crumble.
OVERSEER: (happy sigh) Yeah…yeah it was.
SFX: DOOR OPENS.
HAWKINS: Wrap it up Vince. Judge will be here soon and she needs to see someone else.
VINCE: (Calling) Yeah. Fine. Just a few more minutes.
HAWKINS: Make it quick.
VINCE: (Pause) Too bad it didn’t last.
OVERSEER: The cake?
VINCE: The happiness. The next day you got that message. That fucking message from Vault-Tec.
OVERSEER: Let’s not go into that all again. What do you want me to say Vince? That I’m sorry. Fine! I’m sorry.
VINCE: I can’t forget it and I can’t forgive it. I thought...I dunno what I thought. I was at Anchorage. We turned back the Chinese for Christ’s sake. I saw things. I thought I was prepared. But that was unforgivable. What you did. He was just a kid. And I fucking helped you!
OVERSEER: I DIDN’T know, Vince. I thought it was just a test. I didn’t know how far they’d go. I honestly didn’t know.
VINCE: I wish I believed you. But it’s just one lie after another with you. Overseer. They should’ve called you Lady Fetchquest. (Laughs long and loud)
OVERSEER: (Laughing long and loud as well)
SFX: FADING LAUGHTER. PAN TO EXTERIOR WITH WIND AND RAIN.
FLETCHER: …yes sir the Mach 6 machine gun turrets have been installed. New Responders Engineers will have finished calibrating the laser turrets and redundant fusion generators by the time we arrive with the prisoner.
THE JUDGE: I mean it Fletcher. No more fuck ups. I’ve had it with the murderers, the con artists, the nuke happy snowflakes. We’ve had a year of playing nice and nothing has served as a deterrent. Frankly, I’m tired of banging the gavel and it’s time to bang some heads together. It’s time to take more drastic measures. The AMS tower will be known everywhere.
THE BAILIFF: “…where ther e is no law, there is no freedom.” John Locke 1632 to 1704. It is our duty to (electrical short) Hey did you hear this one? What crimes do trees have to commit to get the death penalty? Treeson. (Drum roll)
FLETCHER: What’s with him?
THE JUDGE: Dealing with slowly failing tech around here. He keeps defaulting back to the Insult Bot. He said something about my mother last week and I’m almost scrapped him.
FLETCHER: Your honor, look, I took an oath to uphold the law, but in puttin’ feet to the flames so to speak, don’t we run the risk of forcing some of these…undesirables…to band together? You’ve got the Freestate Militia, the Vultures, Rex and Johnson, E.A.T.T. and their cannibal hordes…should they decide their mutual enemy is more important than their differences…we’re not talkin’ about parking tickets and lock up’s anymore, we’re talkin’ all out war.
THE JUDGE: (Laughs) They’ll welcome to try. We have a contingency plan in place.
FLETCHER: It’s not my place, but during pre-trial she, the Overseer, told me a few things and I think…
THE JUDGE: (Aggressively cuts him off) Let me be crystal clear District Attorney Fletcher your position was appointed and what was given can just as easily be taken away. (Softer, convincing) I had my concerns when I received instructions, but WE are the framework. Justice. Law. Order is the framework for society. Without us, without one essential post holding it all together like you and me, it all comes crashing down. Now, can I count on you?
FLETCHER: Yes sir.
THE JUDGE: Good. Here we are.
GUARD #1: Good evening your honor. Fletcher.
THE JUDGE: Inform Commander Johns that we’re here. Have them assemble the Firebreathers escort. We need to make this trip fast and direct.
GUARD #1: Yes sir.
SFX: HEAVY BUZZER. SECURITY GATE OPENS.
GUARD #1: Head right on in.
THE JUDGE: What you need to understand Fletcher is that we are all servants to a system. Play your cards right and you move up. Fight that system and no one will remember your name.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS. KEYPAD NOISES. HEAVY BUZZER. OUTER DOOR UNLOCKS.
THE JUDGE: Bailiff. Execute command L22.
THE BAILIFF: Initiating prisoner escort mode. Subject: The Overseer, Vault 76 supervisor. Convicted serial killer, masquerading as the Sickleman. (Electrical short) I have a delivery and an Insult-O-Gram for Simon Rex, convicted felon.
THE JUDGE: Not again…
SFX: HARMONICA TUNE
THE BAILIFF: We heard that you are on the run
Evading the law is not so fun
Your test results have just come in
Congrats on the Radworms you should come on in!
SFX: HARMONICA TUNE
THE BAILIFF: From Doc C. J. Martin. Insult-O-Gram has been delivered. Have a miserable day.
THE JUDGE: I hate robots.
CMDR. JOHNS: Ahh…evening Judge. Fletcher.
FLETCHER: Evenin’ Commander. We ready to go?
CMDR. JOHNS: Just need a few more minutes.
THE JUDGE: What for?
CMDR. JOHNS: We’re ahh…just finishing up some paperwork.
THE JUDGE: Paperwork? Is there a problem?
CMDR. JOHNS: No…no…
THE JUDGE: Why are you sweating Commander?
CMDR. JOHNS: Look, Judge…
THE JUDGE: You let someone in, didn’t you?
CMDR. JOHNS: Security Chief Albert Vince has some history there and…
THE JUDGE: I don’t believe this. Step aside.
SFX: PHONE PICKED UP. KEYS PUNCHED. INTERCOM SWITCHES ON.
THE JUDGE: This is the Judge. Commander Connor Johns has been suspended as supervisor of this facility. Effective immediately all personnel report to me. Firebreathers escorts to the North Block to escort the Overseer to AMS Tower.
FLETCHER: Sir, I’m sure the Commander…
CMDR. JOHNS: You know what? It’s fine Fletcher. I have to say you’ve come pretty far “Ol Pete”. You still any good at mopping floors?
THE JUDGE: Don’t push it Connor. Clear out. You and Kori can scoot on back to Morgantown to hand out first aid to plebs. It’s time for things to change around here.
THE BAILIFF: (Electrical short) Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it! (Drum roll)
SFX: SUPER SLEDGE SWING AND ROBOT SMASH. CLATTERS TO FLOOR.
THE JUDGE: Fletcher have someone haul that scrap back to the RobCo Research Center. Requisition me a Sentry Bot.
FLETCHER: I mean I’m a prosecutor not a….(pause) sure no problem your honor.
THE JUDGE: Right. I’ll meet you in North Block.
SFX: FADING FOOTSTEPS.
VINCE: Well. He’s on the way. Time to leave. I just wanted to say..
SFX: ELECTRICAL EXPLOSION. LIGHTS FLICK OUT.
VINCE: What the hell?
SFX: CELL DOORS OPEN EN MASSE. EMERGENCY KLAXON SOUNDS.
SFX: LOUD WHOOPING. RUNNING.
VINCE: Hey! The power’s cut! Everyone is escaping!
OVERSEER: That’s my cue. Always have a backup plan. I learned that from you.
OVERSEER: Thanks for always being there Vince. For what it’s worth, I really am sorry. But last summer I started something I need to finish. Goodbye. Don’t come after me. That’s your only warning.
VINCE: Wait! Get back here! You can’t just take off damn it! They’ll hunt you down! They’ll kill you!
SFX: RUNNING. SOUNDS OF CHAOS AND FIGHTING IN THE DISTANCE.
HAWKINS: VINCE! Who was that?
VINCE: It…it was the Overseer. She’s out.
HUGO: Oh dear God…
SFX: SHOT LOADED AND COCKED.
SFX: RADIO STATIC.
HAWKINS: Hawkins to dispatch! We have a 10-74! Report a 10-74! We need all officers now!
HAWKINS: I have Hugo and Vince with me.
HUGO: Evidence room? Isn’t that where the Overseer’s belongings were held?
HUGO: Please tell me you removed the weapons.
VINCE: She’ll be killed!
HAWKINS: Vince! Damn it! Wait! Dispatch chaos here. 10-4. Making my way to the evidence room.
HAWKINS: Hugo, stay close.
SFX: CHAOS FADING. EERIE QUIET. DRIPPING. SUDDEN SCREAM FROM VINCE.
VINCE: No! No! You can’t! You won’t! (SCREAM)
SFX: SICKLE SLASH.
HUGO: No. No. No…I need to get out of here…I need to get out.
HAWKINS: DO NOT run Hugo. Stay with me. Vince! Shit…VINCE! Answer me! Slow and steady Hugo…
HUGO: (Gasps, terrified) His head. Oh God his head! It’s gone. We have to get out of here. We have to get out. She’ll find us.
HAWKINS: Back up….back…come on….we need back up.
SFX: HEAVY FOOTSTEPS.
HUGO: HAWKINS! BEHIND YOU!
SFX: SHOTGUN BLAST. SICKLE SLASH THROUGH AIR. HEAD LOBBED OFF. BODY FALLS. HUGO RUNNING.
HUGO: I need to get out of here! I need to get out! (Panic, panting)
THE JUDGE: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!
HUGO: No no! She’s coming! She’s killed them both!
THE JUDGE: YOU! Killed who?
HUGO: Vince and Officer Hawkins. She killed them both. Took their heads. She took their heads!
THE JUDGE: It’s time for you to leave.
SFX: RADIO STATIC.
THE JUDGE: All personnel to North Block. We have a 10-999. Fletcher! Get him out of here.
FLETCHER: Come on Hugo, come with me.
HUGO: She’s insane.
FLETCHER: (Deadpan) She’s Vault-Tec approved. Let’s go…
SFX: SLOW FADE OUT ON ALARMS. RUSHING FOOTSTEPS. MORE YELLING.
THE JUDGE: Fan out! Let’s get some lights back on in here.
SCENE 8: EXT. LAKE SHORE.
SFX: EERIE AMBIANCE. FROGS CROAKING.
KAREN: Freddie! Wait! Where are we going? He said left.
FREDDIE: You trust me don’t you Karen?
KAREN: Well yes…but he said…
FREDDIE: Everything’s cool Karen. We’re made in the shade. Come on…the surprise is right up the trail here.
SFX: CRUNCHING LEAVES. LAKE AMBIANCE INCREASES IN VOLUME.
FREDDIE: So…now that it’s just you and me. Tell me about it Karen. You were here…one year ago. Here at Crystal Lake and the campground where everything happened. You were up on Lover’s Leap with Eddie when you saw him. You actually saw him. The Sickelman.
KAREN: Oh it was awful. I didn’t want to be there. We shouldn’t have gone up there. Eddie told me to run…I heard him screaming and then he stopped. I tried to hide. I tried…but I then he came closer and…
FREDDIE: Shhh…hold up. Something’s wrong.
KAREN: Wait…I know where we are.
FREDDIE: Creep up here…there’s lights up there. Keep low and quiet Karen.
SFX: HAMMERING IS HEARD.
BRIAN: Well things are really shaping up around here fellow counselors! Let’s put that elbow grease in there Counselor Betsy! That porch needs proper reinforcement to meet building codes, that while irrelevant in a post-apocalyptic world, ensure a continuity of proper Scout approved methods as outlined in the General Contracting and Cat Husbandry Merit Badge!
FREDDIE: This place was condemned and roped off.
KAREN: Ugh. That’s Brian. He’s a bookish know-it-all asshat.
FREDDIE: I can’t believe they’re reopening this place.
KAREN: I want to get OUT of here Freddie. I haven’t been anywhere near here since last year.
FREDDIE: Don’t be such a wet rag Karen! We’re headed over to the far side of the camp anyway. No one will see us. What are you climbing the curtains for?
KAREN: Oh gee I don’t know, maybe because some psycho cut my head off and I spent months in a nightmare purgatory shopping for furniture.
SFX: UNZIPPING NOISE
FREDDIE: Here, take this. I have one already.
KAREN: What is it?
FREDDIE: Stealthboy. When I say go I want you to flip up that lid there and hit that switch, clear?
KAREN: What does it do?
FREDDIE: Generates a groovy stealth field. We could be knocking boots in a crowded room and no one would see us. Now…before someone sees us. Ready? NOW!
SFX: STEALTH BOY ENGAGE NOISE.
KAREN: Oh I feel funny…my stomach just flip flopped.
FREDDIE: It’ll do your head in a little, but come on. It’ll pass.
SFX WALKING NOISE.
FREDDIE: Doing okay?
KAREN: I think so.
FREDDIE: I’m glad. You’re real special Karen. I’m glad I found you.
KAREN: You are too Freddie…but I don’t like being back here.
FREDDIE: There….here we are. Look.
KAREN: What…what is this place?
FREDDIE: This is the surprise Karen. It’s a special place. Here…come here and hold my hands.
KAREN: Freddie I don’t like this place.
FREDDIE: Did that guy that you were with tell you the story? Of what happened right here all those years ago?
KAREN: My hands Freddie…you’re holding me too tight.
FREDDIE: He told you about the horrible scouts Karen that tainted Victor Miller’s land with their din and their filth? The fight between Ernest Worrell and Miller in the barn all those summers ago? It was here Karen. Right. Here. That totem there is placed right where Miller took up the sickle and took Worrell’s head clean off. That’s when it started. The curse. The blood.
KAREN: Stop it Freddie!
FREDDIE: But I’ll bet he didn’t tell you what happened next. After the camp counselors chased Miller, crazed with revenge and threw him off the cliff at Lover’s Leap, the police never found the body. The police held everyone for questioning, but there was no evidence Karen. None.
KAREN: Please Freddie my hands…
FREDDIE: The counselors were released…came back here to clean up the camp and close it up with a mourning Patricia Worrell. But that night a shadow crawled out of the dark, dark waters of the lake Karen. He came back. He rose up. From cabin to cabin he went…and SLASHED and claimed his own revenge Karen. Every one of them. Everyone who was to blame….and that’s when the kids everywhere started singing his rhyme. They woke up with it in their heads
On darkest nights, by light of moon
Your young life will end all too soon
Around the waters of Crystal Lake
HE is sleeping for souls to take
Take a lover’s hand and run will you can
Out of the dark hunts the Sickleman!
KAREN: (Screaming) Help! Someone!
SFX: INJECTION NOISE
KAREN: What…what did you…
SFX: BODY DROP
FREDDIE: Sorry Karen. Double dose of Calmex…can’t have you running. Not when I’m this close. There are those of us who don’t worship what is above or below…because there is something older Karen. The lake is just one of its eyes. It poured into him…transformed him…made him a walking god. The Overseer was an insult. She spoiled his name and his glory. But us? We exist to bring him back and with his blade he shall cleanse the earth.
SFX: UNZIPPING. STRANGE HUMMING.
FREDDIE: We found a book Karen. Far from here in a mine….and in that mine was a book and something of the old world that sleeps.
FREDDIE: Shhhh Karen. I told you were special.
SFX: PAGE FLIPPING.
FREDDIE: Krivbeknih, este klavata sekkadan
SFX: WIND WHIPS UP.
FREDDIE: DOKKADONE SHAKKADAH SULEMANI! We call to you! A sacrifice in blood…a tether to our world! A virgin awaits! RISE! RISE!
KAREN: I….I’m not a virgin.
FREDDIE: KRIVBEKNIH CULTATANA….wait what?
KAREN: I’m not a virgin.
FREDDIE: But…you said you were pure!
KAREN: Yeah, no.
FREDDIE: I can’t believe this Karen, how could you?
KAREN: Look Eddie didn’t “last” if you know what I mean. Plus he was kind of a jackass so he didn’t count.
FREDDIE: You either are or you aren’t Karen! Doesn’t count? Honesty is important in a relationship Karen, this changes everything…
SFX: BRANCHES CRACK.
KAREN: So I guess…ehm…what now?
FREDDIE: Look, this isn’t going to work. It’s not me, it’s you Karen.
SFX: BLADE NOISE.
FREDDIE: I’m just going to go…I….it…it can’t be.
KAREN: NO! No no no!
FREDDIE: My lord! We have brought you back! It worked! It worked! I pledge my fealty to your blessed blade! Let us begin the reaping!
SFX: SICKLE WHOOSH. WET HEAD CHOP. BODY FALLS.
KAREN: (sighs) Okay fine. You know what? Fine. Let’s do this. I need a new display case for my camp.
SFX: SICKLE WHOOSH. HEAD ROLLS. BODY FALLS. DRAGGING NOISE.
SCENE 9: INT. NIGHT. RED SLOE’S DINER
SFX: DINER AMBIANCE. DOOR BELL JINGLE. DOOR CLOSE
AMATA: Thanks again and happy birthday! (under breath) Assholes.
JAKE: Hey you okay?
AMATA: Yeah. That could’ve gone a lot worse.
JAKE: That kid gives me the creeps. When I brought their meal, her weird ass doll suggested to her about tickling my ass with a switchblade and then feeding me into a fertilizer machine.
AMATA: (Laughing) But in all seriousness, you coming out of the kitchen like “Brickhouse” Patrick from Armor Ace with that shotgun….not gonna lie…it was kinda hot.
JAKE: Oh was it now?
AMATA: Park your Liberty Prime there Romeo, you need to shower. You smell like a grease trap.
JAKE: Yeah yeah. There’s room for two. Let’s lock up.
AMATA: Hey! Look at the caps Chad’s crew left…he….he actually left a tip.
JAKE: Well that’s….weird. Oh! Sorry…dude…didn’t see you sitting back there in the dark. We’re closing up.
AMATA: We’re closed.
SFX: SILENCE. CHAIR SLOWLY SLIDES OUT.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS. SHOTGUN LOADED.
JAKE: Look buddy. It’s been a long day. I’m not asking again.
SIMON: (MUFFLED CAN’T MAKE VOICE OUT THROUGH MASK) It’s so easy isn’t it?
JAKE: We can’t hear you dude. Take that stupid cat head off.
SFX: CLOTHING NOISE.
SIMON: I said it’s so easy isn’t it?
JAKE: What…where have you been?
SIMON: I’ve been sitting there all day. Watching the two of you, customers coming in and going out, everyone happy and well fed. You two smiling, kissing, collecting caps and living. A perfect business…a perfect life. But every inch of this building, every sparkly, shiny surface and even that fucking donut robot was earned on the trampled remains of a friendship.
AMATA: Simon, you can’t be here. They’re hunting you. They watch this place.
SIMON: I’M NOT DONE. Months…of slugging through mud, sleeping in the rain…
JAKE: Well what the hell were WE supposed to do dude? You were out of control! You needed help!
SIMON: WE had a pact. A promise we made to each other. Out of control? I was hunted.
AMATA: We know. That night you….you attacked me, were going to eat me…
SIMON: I wasn’t going to…
AMATA: OF course you were! But I get it. You can’t control it. We tracked you…we tried to find you. We hiked over half of West Virginia and followed you to Slick Willy’s Water World…
SIMON: You…you what?
JAKE: But that place was a bloodbath. How many people did you kill? There were blood and bags everywhere.
SIMON: I was being hunted.
AMATA: By what?
SIMON: By who. It was me or them. I was defending myself…and I AM in control. I’m free of it.
AMATA: You haven’t lost control again?
SIMON: Not since the night I….I attacked you.
AMATA: Jake…put it down.
JAKE: Oh…yeah. Sorry.
SIMON: I was scared. I was alone and you both never came. And then that fucking trial. To hear the both of you giving testimony. You betrayed me!
AMATA: No. No we didn’t. Blame me. He wanted to try and find you, but you have to understand…seeing that…carnage…I thought we’d lost you. We shouldn’t have been casually messing about with those genetic perk cards. I thought they’d be able to evaluate and help you. They said they were going to help. I didn’t know what else to do.
SIMON: We should have figured it together. We keep letting things keep us apart.
SFX: AWKWARD SILENCE. NEON HUMMING.
JAKE: So you look like shit. Where’d you find that cat suit?
SIMON: I spent the summer working at Camden Park in a dress.
AMATA: Well you’ve got the legs for it.
SFX: JAKE, SIMON AND AMATA LAUGH. FADES OUT TO AWKWARDNESS.
SIMON: My cure was…well let’s just say it was a leap of faith. How did you solve Jake’s “food” problem?
AMATA: It took me months to isolate and manipulate his genetic code to remove it.
JAKE: Yeah she swapped it out for White Knight. The good news is that I’m a kickass blacksmith, but also I have uncontrollable urges to give her presents all day.
SFX: JAKE, SIMON AND AMATA LAUGH.
SIMON: You got any of that syrupy all-day coffee left? I could use a cup.
AMATA: You like it cold?
SIMON: Oh you know it.
JAKE: We serve only the best here.
SIMON: The Red Sloe? What the hell kind of name is that? It’s sounds kind of dirty.
JAKE: No, no don’t ask…
AMATA: The name is derived from small berries called sloes native to England and Europe. Jake and I looked up my grandmother’s old farm over in the Cranberry Bog. It’s completely destroyed, but I found some family mementos in the rubble, including her recipe for Sloe Gin. The berries make the gin red and it makes a banger of a drink to enjoy in front of the fire. She still had some of the original bushes, now wild growing out back.
SIMON: I’ve had my fair share of berry picking this summer. Now that I can’t quietly eat the casual passersby its back to scrounging. Look, this wasn’t just a social call. I was…and still am a little pissed, but I think we all were victims of some major misunderstandings and assumptions. I need your help.
JAKE: With what?
SIMON: A few months back I spent far, far too much time in Helvetia…
AMATA: Stay AWAY from that place. It seems to be the center of some kind of fold in space/time.
SIMON: Yeah. Thanks. Anyway, every time I visited, I forgot. But I was smart and left myself a holotape last year. I listened and I remembered everything. There was a guy trapped in there who told me about a Senator Samuel Blackwell. Before war broke out, he was investigating construction work at the Whitespring resort and hifting massive amounts of funds out of the U.S. Department of Agriculture by Secretary Thomas Eckhart for the construction of some kind of secret facility BENEATH the Whitespring Resort.
AMATA: What kind of facility?
SIMON: That I don’t know. After escaping Helvetia I headed East to a toxic waste dump after picking up some clues. I found Senator Blackwell’s survival bunker and a lot of his notes. I think something was wrong with him, as he started to lose focus in his writing and in his holotapes. (Pause) Were you listening to Hugo Warren’s radio broadcast of the trial when the Overseer was on the stand?
JAKE: Yeah…we both were.
AMATA: We were there in spirit.
SIMON: In her testimony she was leading up to something that was going to shake Appalachia to its foundations. She teased some of it in the little bit of time I was able to talk to her before being interrogated by the 5-0. The Societal Preservation Program and the vaults were a ruse, perpetrated by Doctor Stanislaus Braun and a shadow government. Their goal was to utilize the vaults to conduct experiments on American citizens on a scale that is almost unthinkable.
JAKE: But why? The Vaults would only be activated if shit was going to hit the fan, which it did. If people needed to survive to restart civilization after that, why do something like that?
SIMON: That I don’t know. The Overseer said that there was a secret vault underneath the test vault at Vault-Tec University. At the trial she started to show her hand in public and lay it all out, but the Judge ended the trial there…like he’s hiding something. After that he threw the book at us, but the last thing she said, “Look under Vault-Tec University! Find the access keys!”
AMATA: We’ve been there…we explored the test vault, but couldn’t find anything useful. I certainly don’t recall any hidden doors, keycard scanners or anything.
SIMON: Neither did I, but in one of Blackwell’s filing cabinets I found a ledger with the letters A and B plus 13 numbers in different combinations scratched out. It’s like he was trying combinations of something. This summer I’ve been busy. Chasing down some of these leads…trying to see the whole picture, but it’s like a tapestry…the more you tug on threads, the more it unravels. Look.
SFX: UNZIP. FLIPPING PAGES.
SIMON: I started gathering questions and evidence in a journal. In here are pieces of a puzzle and I can’t put them together by myself. I don’t know what is related and what isn’t. I’ve got clues leading to a Pawn Shop, Thomas Eckhart, Samuel Blackburn, the Whitespring, Harper’s Ferry and at the center of it all is here: Vault-Tec University. Senator Blackburn’s daughter attended there. Braun operated out of there.
AMATA: You said she said something about needing access keys?
SIMON: Yup…and I think Blackburn was on to something. Here he scrawled 4 keys and on this map he crossed out locations he searched with Quinn Carter who wassssss….here it is. A reporter for the Charleston Herald. If we are to assume they were thorough, we can narrow it down by focusing on the areas he circled but for one reason or another they never got to investigate.
JAKE: Yeah, my gran told me all about that guy, said he was a traitor to the country. Supporter of a group of crazy survivalist types who wanted to succeed from the Union. He was run out of office and disappeared.
SIMON: Disappeared but didn’t stop investigating. He was too public. If there was a grand plan by Vault-Tec, Braun or whoever beyond the end of days I can’t see what the point of it was yet.
AMATA: Simon…I admit this is all really intriguing stuff. God knows I love a good mystery, but why does any of this matter? We’ve settled down here. It’s been quiet…we’re turning caps. For the first time since Reclamation Day we’re happy here.
SIMON: I…why does it matter? Because we were lied to by Vault-Tec. We’ve been experimented on and it’s never going to stop. All of this, the things we’ve seen, the glitches in reality, the hallucinations, the fact that we can’t leave the region, and death. Why is no one talking about the fact that we can’t die or worse why aren’t we talking about where we go when we do?
AMATA: Stop Simon.
SIMON: No! We need to talk about this in the open. Because the more we do, the more the curtain drops. Something is happening here, right here and we’re a part of it. Jake?
JAKE: I…I’m sorry dude. She’s right. Why does it matter? Let it go. Settle down…try and find some happiness.
SIMON: I can’t believe you two. If our code means nothing, if the fact that Jake was the reason I ended up on trial in the first place or you Amata who decided to just take off and abandon us instead of waiting outside the Vault aren’t enough of a reasons to owe me this help….I’ll tell you this. And I’m sorry. Last month I ran into “Tits” McGee. Remember her? Let’s just she hadn’t fared well out here…she had experimented with a bunch of genetic perk cards, but she was all screwed up…was ranting and raving about not being built right. She had said she’d died over 1000 times and the last time she said she didn’t end up in the Atomic Shop. She said she fell through the world, through the earth…she saw everything but could not touch anything…she fell forever before dying again and ending up in the shop. She was afraid, she said because she felt that she’d fall again and not come back. That night we were attacked by some of those giant bees. One stung her pretty bad…as I watched…she started screaming then started slowly fading away. Like she was being unmade. I haven’t seen her since. Her transponder is dead.
AMATA: Jesus Christ…
SIMON: Listen, you can stay here…fortify this place all you like, but eventually something will kill you. And you’ll keep dying…and each time we do we lose a piece of our soul. And if that doesn’t scare you this will. When was the last time you needed a haircut?
SIMON: Your hair Jake. It’s the same length, the same shape as when we walked out the door 2 years ago.
AMATA: Oh my God…that means…
SIMON: That means we aren’t aging. We’re frozen. So we won’t age. No natural death is waiting for us. All of this…this cycle of undying will go on forever until we end up the same way she did.
SFX: SILENCE. NEON HUMMING.
JAKE: Amata…say something.
AMATA: Simon, can you give us a minute?
SIMON: Uh…sure. I need to hit the bathroom anyway.
SFX: CHAIR SCRAPE. WALK AWAY.
AMATA: He’s right. Fuck it he’s right. But last year was a cake walk in comparison to whatever this is. It drove the Overseer out of her mind, and anyone who asks any questions is ending up on the Judge’s Most Wanted List. That AMS Tower he’s turned into a prison? Here we’ve been happy. Really happy. I love you…
JAKE: I love you too…
AMATA: But I don’t want to risk you or what we’ve built.
JAKE: Look the three of us may have made a pact when we were just kids, but you and I have a pact of our own. No matter where we’d go, what we’d face…we’d do it together. We can do this together too.
AMATA: It’s going to be dangerous Jake.
JAKE: Your cooking is dangerous.
AMATA: (Laughs) yeah well your meatloaf is so gross it spawns its own bloatflies.
SIMON: Is uhh…do you guys still need a minute?
AMATA: No. Come here you. We’ve been overdue for a group hug.
SIMON: So does that mean?
JAKE: Yes! Now get over here.
SIMON: The three 76er’s.
AMATA: Simon get your hand off my ass.
SIMON: You first.
AMATA: That’s not mine.
JAKE: My bad.
AMATA: Right! So where are we headed first?
SIMON: Ummm…you’re not going to like it. I hope you’re still in bikini shape.
SIMON: Yeah Brian reopened the place. He’ll never let us just wander around tearing the place apart, so our best bet is to pick up where we left off there.
SFX: LOUD RUMBLING OF A VEHICLE APPROACHING.
AMATA: What is that???
JAKE: Is that a nuke?
AMATA: No! We would’ve had an alarm. It’s coming from outside.
SFX: DOOR JINGLES. FOREST NOISES FADE IN. LOUD RUMBLING AS VEHICLE APPROACHES.
JAKE: Holy shit that’s a car!
AMATA: That’s impossible.
SIMON: Not a car…a van. Something on the roof.
SFX: VAN SKIDS ON GRAVEL. DOOR OPENS.
DAVEY: Heyyyyyy! What’s groovin’ cats?
AMATA: Well those are certainly words.
JAKE: DUDE! You are driving….a van.
DAVEY: Heyy! Thanks brother dude. That’s Malibu. She’s my Little Deuce Van. You cats mind if I use your john?
AMATA: Sure…I mean we’re closed but what?
SIMON: Where did you find that thing?
DAVEY: Find it? Nah bro I built her! Retrofitted this squaresville Vault Tec van with an atomic flathead mill, woody on the sides, racks up top! Name’s Davey Benson…but since I got that atom bomb baby and my skin’s shredded finer than a noob on the 1st St. Jetty you can just call me Davey Ghoul.
AMATA: Those are certainly more words.
SIMON: 1st Street Jetty?
DAVEY: Yeah bro! Virginia Beach. Born and raised.
JAKE: Wait a god damned minute. You’re not from Appalachia?
DAVEY: Nah bro! Place went from rad to RAD if you know what I mean. So I loaded up Malibu and we burned rubber in all four gears.
SIMON: You drove here from Virginia Beach? Are there survivors? More cities and towns that weren’t destroyed?
DAVEY: Sure are. But some go from sketch to wrecked. Me? Malibu and I are headed West to the best! Long Beach, California! Those waves are callin’ and I love a short belly board and a long ride.
JAKE: So does Amata.
AMATA: Jake shut up!
AMATA: Anyway yeah, come in. We’re closed up but feel free. I’ll show you where it is.
DAVEY: Nice digs! Feel free to scope out the wheels!
SFX: DOOR JINGLES.
SIMON: Jake…look at this thing!
JAKE: It’s sweet!
SIMON: Do you know what this means?
JAKE: That Amata is going to want a station wagon in about 3 years…
SIMON: No! It means that people can COME IN to Appalachia from outside. That means whatever is affecting us, disorienting us and preventing us from leaving doesn’t affect them.
JAKE: Look at his setup back here! He’s got carpeting, a bed and everything. If I was single this would be such a bang bus…
SIMON: Owww…what the hell? Jake…reach for the key and try and start it…
JAKE: Like turn the key? Sure…OWWW! Damn it! My head!
SIMON: What’s wrong?
JAKE: My head…like someone sticking an ice pick in my temple.
SIMON: That’s weird. Me to… I wonder if I should try and start the van?
JAKE: It’s….I don’t remember how.
SFX: DOOR JINGLES. LOCK IS TURNED.
AMATA: So it’s decided.
JAKE: What is?
DAVEY: Summer ghoul camp dude! Soak up rays! Make some caps! It’s going to be epic! Gotta grab those opps like those curls when they pop up dude. Never know when you’ll wipe out or cap out!
AMATA: Let me translate. Davey’s working the camp this summer too. He saw Brian’s flyer at the train station. He offered to give us a ride over there.
DAVEY: Pack it in cats, time to spit gravel!
JAKE: What…now? We haven’t even packed.
AMATA: Here you go! All packed. I’ve had emergency bags packed for months just in case.
JAKE: You are something else.
AMATA: Yes I know.
SIMON: You guys go on ahead and I’ll meet you there in the morning. I need to stop by and see a guy about a face.
JAKE: A what now?
SIMON: He’s a horror movie nut that makes his own masks. We spent some quality time together in Helvetia, but I need a mask. The moment Brian or anyone who knows this mug from wanted posters spots me I’m screwed.
DAVEY: Keep it loose Si guy!
JAKE: Oh he does.
SIMON: Goodbye you two!
SFX: VAN STARTS. PEELS OFF IN SPITTING GRAVEL. EERIE WOODS NOISES FADE IN.
SFX: WALKING. CRUNCHING GRAVEL.
SCENE 10: EXT. ROADWAY
SFX: WALKING. CRUNCHING GRAVEL.
SFX: TAPE RECORD.
SIMON: Appalachia, September 8th, 2103. Well…Jake and Amata are in. We had a long chat and I was wrong about them for one thing. Things are becoming a little clearer now and I think I understand why they did what they did. More importantly they’re already on their way back to Camp Wannagrindalot so we can start searching for the first key. I’m…not looking forward to going back there. That place feels wrong and after the events of last summer, I feel like we’re tempting fate by going back. The water in that lake is so dark it’s almost black. Even last year I’d look into it from the shore and sometimes I felt like was looking to a void…something old….and hungry. I remember a rhyme from when I was small. I don’t even remember where I first heard it.
On darkest nights, by light of moon
Your young life will end all too soon
Around the waters of Crystal Lake
HE is sleeping for souls to take
Take a lover’s hand and run will you can
Out of the dark hunts the Sickleman!
But despite this foreboding I feel, I think…
SFX: BRANCHES CRACK.
SIMON: Is someone there?
SFX: CROW FLIES OFF.
SIMON: …I think that between the three of us we should hopefully find the key in no time and can just get the hell out of…
SFX: GRAVEL CRUNCHING RAPIDLY FROM BEHIND
SIMON: Who is? NO! Oh my God no!
SIMON: (Panting) No….no…
SFX: SLASHING NOISE. FALL TO GROUND. SCRAMBLING.
SIMON: No no! Wait! Wai…
SFX: SIMON IS CUT OFF. HEAD LOBBED OFF. ROLLS AWAY. GRAVEL CRUNCH. BODY BEING DRAGGED.
MEDIA: SICKLEMAN THEME RISES UP.
SFX: VHS TAPE EJECTS. TV SWITCHES OFF.
END OF PART 1
BEGINNING OF PART 2
SFX: TV SWIT CH IS HEARD. SCREEN FLICKERS TO LIFE. A VHS TAPE IS INSERTED. VHS UI POPS UP AND SHOWS PLAY OVER A BLUE VAULT-TEC SCREEN.
SCENE 11: EXT. TRANS ALLEGHANY ASYLUM.
SFX: WIND. EERIE. CAR APPROACHES CRUNCHING ON GRAVEL RADIO IS HEARD. SONG COMES TO AN END. A TYPTICAL NIGHT-TIME SLOW SPEAKING DJ IS HEARD.
RADIO ANN: …and that was Dean Domino, the King of Swing with his new hit song, “Never Letting Go.” This is your voice in the night, every night, Allen Boucher on Bedtime Magic, WAPP Morgantown. Looking out across the sleeping streets of the city to the Vault-Tec University clock tower it’s approaching 10 o’clock on September 18th, 2056. So, tuck yourself into something warm because we have more soothing sounds to drift you off to dreamland. And now Anita Mann with her song, “A Commie Stole My Heart…”
GUARD #2: Good evening sir. Visitor’s hours ended at 7pm.
DRIVER: Special invitation by Dr. Kessle. He said to give this to you.
GUARD #2: This late? A little unusual. This is the Trans Alleghany Insane Asylum, not a speakeasy. We don’t get casual visitors after dark.
SFX: PAPER NOISES.
HOUSE: Passenger side window please Warren.
DRIVER: Yes sir.
SFX: WINDOW ROLLS DOWN.
HOUSE: My good man, as you can see there everything is in order and we’re a little pressed for time this evening.
GUARD #2: Well just hold your horses fella.
HOUSE: May I ask for your name?
GUARD #2: It’s Tillerson. Charles Tillerson.
HOUSE: Mr. Tillerson, may I call you Charles?
GUARD #2: Uhh…sure.
HOUSE: Charles, would you mind stepping closer. It’s laboring for us to be shouting at each other from this distance and I’ve always believed that men speak as men with greater respect when we can see what it is the eyes of another.
GUARD #2: Look buddy I….oh. Oh I’m terribly sorry sir. I didn’t recognize you.
HOUSE: It’s quite alright.
GUARD #2: Doctor….err....the other fella arrived a while ago. Let me grab the gates. Terribly sorry.
HOUSE: As I said, quite alright. We pull up here after dark, a deviation from the norm. Doing your job adequately, you assess, suspect and verify. That is admirable. A wariness and alertness in your particular professional will get you far Charles.
SFX: GATE SCREECHES.
GUARD #2: Yes sir.
HOUSE: Have a pleasant evening. (Pause) Warren?
SFX: WINDOW GOES UP. CAR CRAWL FORWARD. STOPS. DRIVER GETS OUT. OPENS DOOR.
HOUSE: If you wouldn’t mind waiting here with the car. The business this evening is a little ridiculous, but there is sufficie nt staffing to ensure my safety in this godforsaken place.
DRIVER: All the same boss, here.
SFX: PISTOL CLIP SLIPPED IN.
HOUSE: No, no. Thank you, but no. The security personnel at this facility are sufficient.
SFX: WALKING ON STONE. DOORS OPENED. AMBIANCE OF ASYLUM.
NURSE: Good evening.
HOUSE: And to you. I’m expected.
NURSE: Of course…let me just check the guest registry.
HOUSE: This is…off the books. Dr. Kessle and his…guest…are expecting me.
NURSE: Ah. One moment please. Name please?
SFX: DIAL NOISE. INTERCOM RINGING.
HOUSE: House. Robert House. I’m here to meet Doctor Braun.
NURSE: (Pause) Oh yes of course…
SFX: PHONE CONNECTS. MUMBLED SPEAKING.
NURSE: Director, a Mr. House is here at…
SFX: MUMBLED INSTRUCTIONS.
NURSE: Yes Doctor. I’ll send him right up. What’s that? I’ll tell him.
SFX: PHONE CLICK.
NURSE: Doctor Braun can escort you Mr. House.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.
BRAUN: Ah! Mein dear Robert it is nice to zee vu. Your trip vas pleazant, nein?
HOUSE: Stan! I wish I could say as such, but we encountered turbulence over the Rockies.
BRAUN: Ach. I vish you would’ve call me dat. You know I hate it. It vould be like me calling you “Robbie”
HOUSE: I would find an inventive way to kill you. What precisely is all of this about? I assume the upgraded circuitry was 68% more effective?
BRAUN: (Claps hands) Ah! Ve haffe zustained ein 89% transference vith virtually nein data loss. Arh ! It is Hexcellent.
BRAUN: Ja! Ja! Come, I'll take you up. Herr Doctor Kessle ist waiting for us
SFX: ELECTOR DING. DOORS OPEN. BUTTON PRESSED. KEYPAD ENTERED.
SFX: DOORS CLOSE.
HOUSE: …89%....and the subject?
BRAUN: Pah! Zee body vas weak. Zee patient died upon download.
HOUSE: Project Lazarus is a pipe dream Stan…a fantasy deus ex machina project of youth when we wore the faces of younger men. We have far more pressing projects to attend to. My global resource models have mathematically predicted with 98.2% accuracy that within 3 years and 4 months the last vestiges of the Middle Eastern oil fields will be exhausted. This array is an impossibility.
BRAUN: Tsk tsk Herr House. I haffe learned to use zee vord 'Impossible' vith zee greatest cauzion.
SFX: ELEVATOR DING. DOORS OPEN.
HOUSE: Be that as it may, I’m not looking for a repeat of that unpleasantness with Subject A89.
BRAUN: Ve are geniuses held back by technology zat isn’t here yet. But technology is not invented unless it serves ein need of its masder.
HOUSE: …serves mankind I think you mean?
BRAUN: Ja! Ja! Mankind.
SFX: KEYS PRESSED. DOOR UNLOCKS AND OPENS. HEART MONITOR EQUIPMENT BEEPS. COMPUTERS HUM.
HOUSE: Where’s Kessle?
BRAUN: I zent him off to shuffle his papers. Ze man is an imbecile. Ze patient ist quite restrained.
HOUSE: What’s this one’s story?
BRAUN: Zubject V101A. Herr Miller. Victor Miller. Herr Miller vas a naughty naughty boy. Very naughty indeed…he’s a killer Herr House. He ist perfect…
MEDIA: THEME SONG BEGINS.
SCENE 12: EXT. DAVEY’S VAN. NIGHT
SFX: ENGINE HUMMING. DRIVING SOUNDS. RADIO PLAYS SOFTLY.
DAVEY: …so there I was gettin’ ready for the cutback, headin’ down-the-line when A double overhead pushed me into a piece of old jetty and ding goes my board. Well dudes, I axed. I axed hard. Just then I looked up and saw the bomb…
JAKE: Jesus Christ can you understand any of this?
AMATA: Some…I read a bunch of manuals on obscure things back in the Vault like recreational plumbing, volleyball and surfing. Surfing though was mostly fun reading. I wasn’t entirely sure w hat we’d need out here and you and Simon were always screwing around…one of has had to actually study.
JAKE: “Fun” reading?
AMATA: What? You should see those guys. They were cut.
JAKE: Uh huh.
DAVEY: I was getting licked…I’m talking head over heels.
JAKE: I could be getting that right now at home, but this is fine too.
DAVEY: Some waxhead does a turtle roll and almost takes my melon off when all of a sudden dudes, everything goes like total whitecap. Sky…everything…big flash. Just like that…everything totally rad, you know what I mean? Sky was on fire. I got totally cooked. From surf bro to rad ghoul.
AMATA: It’s amazing that some of you were able to survive. I can’t even imagine what you must’ve gone through.
DAVEY: It was some wild times surf bunny A, let me tell you. So we took shelter inside this kitsch resort for a few weeks before I hit the hills. What’s your telegram 5’11’’?
AMATA: 5’11”? Ehm…well we were born in a local Vault. Vault 76. Just trying to survive out here like anyone….settle down really. Jake? Jake what are you doing?
JAKE: This hole in the roof is amazing…you should try this! It’s amazing! Come on!
DAVEY: Live high, live it up dude!
AMATA: Oh wow! This is…this is awesome!
JAKE: Hey…what’s that. Hey Davey, slow up there’s some people up there.
DAVEY: Looks like some beachcombers crawlin’ the pave!
SFX: VAN STOPS. WINDOW ROLLS DOWN.
RICHARD: What the actual fuck??? This thing moves? This van drives??
DAVID: Hey! Can you give us a ride in that thing? We were running from molerats for the last 5 miles. I hate those little fuckers.
DAVEY: Hop in cats!==
SFX: DOORS OPEN.
DAVEY: Where you headed?
RICHARD: Camp Wannagrindalot. Out towards Crystal Lake.
JAKE: Well you’re in luck. That’s where we’re headed too.
SFX: VAN DRIVES OFF.
DAVID: Talk about kismet then. We needed the work. Shelter, food and caps…can’t go wrong. Plus, nice clean air…crystal clear waters…
RICHARD: Crystal clear IRRADIATED water and spacious cabins still drenched in blood from a Scout-tacular murder spree last year.
DAVID: Come on dude it’ll be great.
RICHARD: Sure, let’s go with that.
DAVID: Ol’ dick here…
RICHARD: I hate when you call me that…
DAVID: …and I met over in the Mire. I hear this guy screamin’ at the top of his lungs. So I load up my plasma rifle…hoof it on down the road and here’s this guy in nothing but his underwear running down the street being chased by about 4 mirelurks.
RICHARD: I’d been sheltering in an abandoned bunker out there that some survivalists had been using at some point. Found some soap that wasn’t coated in radioactive fuzz and had been taking a bath in this little watering hole. When all of a sudden, I started feeling something rubbing my leg.
DAVID: (Laughs) first good rub down you’d had since Reclamation Day.
RICHARD: Shut up dude. So I go to brush it away…and realize it’s one of those bastards giant legs. So I freak and start running…
DAVID: And along comes Dave to save the day. A few blasts and they were cooked. My brother over here and I bonded over a campfire chowing down on some buttered mirelurk legs.
RICHARD: But enough about us…where the hell did you find this sweet ride?
DAVEY: Found Malibu here back in Virginia Beach bro, but she was the skids. Had to wham, bam, crankshaft cleanup before we could hit the road. Been chasing the sunset ever since. Hold up…51-50…bros I see the po po.
AMATA: Ah shit…it’s the New Responders.
DAVID: The prison is lit up like a Christmas tree. Wonder what’s going on.
SFX: VAN SLOWS. TAP ON WINDOW. ROLLS DOWN.
CMDR. JOHNS: …well…now I have seen everything. A working van. I’d ask to see your license and registration, but anyone who has either of those from those god damned DMV robots would have to be either patient or a sadist. Jake. Amata.
CMDR. JOHNS: Where you folks headed tonight?
DAVEY: The chill waters of Crystal. Gonna teach some ghouls how to hang 10 or hang 7 if they’ve lost a few sandal curlers, you feel me?
CMDR. JOHNS: What language is that?
AMATA: Virginia Beach. We’re headed out to Camp Wannagrindalot. Scoutmaster Stewart and Brian were looking to fill counselor positions again. We’re just looking to make some caps.
RICHARD: What’s going on up there anyway? Something happen?
CMDR. JOHNS: Prison break. Overseer is out and the Judge is on the war path.
JAKE: Oh shit…
RICHARD: Hold up…isn’t she the one that offed everyone there last year?
DAVID: Yup. Sure was.
RICHARD: Right. Let me out. I’m going home. Fuck this.
DAVID: Put some ice cubes on this nipples Dick. It’ll be fine. Here…have a Cotton Bite.
RICHARD: Well I do love Cotton Bites. Yum yum yum.
CMDR. JOHNS: Listen, you guys best be getting out of here with this vehicle. If he sees it, I have every expectation he’ll seize it. Stick to the road and head straight for the camp. We’re dispatching some officers from HQ to the campground just to keep an eye on things on the down low. After being couped up in there I think she’s going to go underground. It would be crazy for her to head back there. Too obvious.
DAVEY: Right on Captain Obvious. We truck along lickety split.
CMDR JOHNS: That’s commander…anyway move along. Remember. Stick to the road. We’ve got other crazies that broke out as well. Keep your eyes peeled and stay well-armed.
AMATA: We will.
SFX: WINDOW ROLLED UP. THEY DRIVE OFF.
AMATA: I know…
JAKE: Look I know we’re trying to figure things out here, but I’ve got a bad feeling about all this. It was one thing to get back into bed with Simon so to speak…but this is a whole other level of shit we don’t need. OF COURSE, the Overseer is going to be beelining it to the camp.
AMATA: But if those old horror movies taught me back in the Vault, the two of us going off on our own back at a diner in the middle of nowhere would be a death sentence. We’re better off sticking together. Besides, the place will be surrounded with New Responders.
JAKE: Those old movies were awful…remember…God what was it…oh! “Nuka-Monster”. Man, that was a shit film.
DAVID: Hey you guys remember “Ripper”?
RICHARD: That movie was formulaic garbage. Honestly, when one of the doomed characters says, “What could possible go wrong?” and…
JAKE: Look out!
SFX: SCREECHING TIRES.
AMATA: Someone in the road!
DAVEY: OUT OF THE ROAD NERD!
SFX: EXPLOSION OF TIRE. SCREECHING.
DAVEY: SURF’S UP!
AMATA: (Scream) Jake!
SFX: SCREEN TO A STOP.
DAVEY: Count digits, figi ts and feets! You good J Diggity?
JAKE: Yeah… Amata?
AMATA: Fine…hit my head on the dash…but I’m fine. What about you guys?
RICHARD: I went face first into a bong…but otherwise I’m fine.
DAVID: Smooth move there with the, “what could possible go wrong.”
SFX: DOORS OPEN.
DAVEY: Ah! Dude! My wheels totally axed.
AMATA: Over here too…all 4 tires…what the hell could’ve caused that. Jake? Where are you going?
JAKE: Checking the road…looks like we hit something.
AMATA: Well hold up. It’s dark out here.
SFX: PISTOL LOADED SOUND.
AMATA: Punji board stretched across the road…
JAKE: That’s weird. Stay right here by the road. Be right back…I’ve needed to take a leak since Top of the World.
AMATA: Be careful
JAKE: You know it!
SFX: WALKING GRAVEL TO LEAVES. PAUSE. ZIPPER.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS NOISE.
JAKE: Amata? That you? Cut it out. You know I’m pee shy.
SFX: BLADE NOISE.
JAKE: (Scared, unsure) Amata??
SFX: BLADE SLASH. STRIKES TREE. GETS STUCK.
SFX: FALL AND SCRAMBLE BACKWARDS.
JAKE: No! No! Overseer! Stop!
AMATA: Jake?! What’s wrong!
AMATA: What is it!
JAKE: It’s her!
DAVEY: What’s all the static cats?
RICHARD: You guys okay?
DAVID: Who is that?
SFX: RUNNING APPROACHING.
JAKE: Back! Get back to the van!
RICHARD: NOPE! NOPE! Fuck this!
DAVEY: Whoa! That dude’s got a blade!
JAKE: Overseer! STOP! PLEASE!
AMATA: Get the van open!
RICHARD: Where are the keys?
DAVEY: Ah damn dude…I think I dropped them.
DAVID: Get behind me…anyone got any weapons?
JAKE: I have a boxing glove.
AMATA: What? Where the hell’s the gun?
JAKE: IN the VAN.
AMATA: Oh great. Well I have some Buff Out. Any of you fellas want to white knight a girl?
SFX: METAL BOUNCING IS HEARD. EXPLOSION.
SHROUD: When evil walks the hills of Appalachia…
RICHARD: Who is that?
SHROUD: …one man lurks in the shadows…shielding the innocent…
DAVEY: Bro is this my dealer? I paid you dude!
SHROUD: …judging the guilty…
JAKE: …I didn’t do it I swear…
SHROUD: THE SILVER SHROUD!
AMATA: I’m sorry what?
SHROUD: Don’t take one more step you sack clothed sickle wielding evil doer!
SFX. RUNNING STOPS.
SHROUD: Your murdering rampage of teens who personify the dangers of premarital sex and risk taking in a society where social norms have imploded ends here with my dark and terrible justice.
DAVEY: Ohhh! I remember this dude!
- SFX: BLADE NOISE. FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.
SHROUD: So you have chosen DEATH! Well it has come for you Sickleman and I AM ITS SHROUD!
SFX: TOMMY GUN SHOTS.
JAKE: Get down!
DAVEY: OHHHH DUDE! That’s the Silver Tommygun! I loved those comics!
SFX: TOMMY GUN RUNS OUT.
AMATA: What the hell? She’s just absorbing the bullets…??
RICHARD: Oh my God she’s a….
DAVID: FOOD BUILD!
SFX: SODA CAP POP AND DRINK.
SHROUD: Yes, drink well you vile villain! You sip that soda. My Silver Tommygun may be out of bullets…but thankfully I have the SILVER GATLING PLASMA OF JUSTICE!
JAKE: KILL HER NOW!
SFX: PLASMA SHOOTS. RUNNING AWAY.
AMATA: She’s getting away!
SHROUD: FLEE while you can! While I attend to these stranded motorists, heed my words. YOU WILL TASTE THE SWEET LEAD OF MY TERRIBLE JUSTICE WHEN NEXT WE MEET!
JAKE: Hey…thanks for that.
SHROUD: Thanks are not needed kind citizen! I, the Silver Shroud, am but just a humble servant against the forces of darkness…
AMATA: Yeah. I guess. What’s with this guy?
SHROUD: My flesh avatar, Charles Bishop is off to RBTS Radio, the only functioning radio station in the region to lend his dazzling vocals, his polished presence, and his stellar delivery!
RICHARD: Okay then.
SHROUD: Where might my flesh avatar, Charles Bishop, find RBTS Radio?
AMATA: He’s just across from the Charleston Herald building opposite the highway between there and Wade Airport.
SHROUD: The Shroud thanks you for your civility fair maiden! And remember! Stay on the right side of the law, eat your vegetables and frottage only until you are married! Because if you don’t…you will taste the terrible justice of….
SFX: CANISTER DROP. SMOKE.
SHROUD: THE SILVER SHROUD!
JAKE: We can still see you.
SFX: RUNNING AWAY NOISE.
RICHARD: Well that was different.
JAKE: Okay that was a little too close for comfort. I don’t like this. Any of it. I was this close to losing my melon…which I’m kind of partial to and I…huh…look over there.
JAKE: That house in the woods…thought I saw a lantern in the window.
AMATA: I don’t see anything. Probably just your PipBoy light reflecting on the windows.
JAKE: Yeah…let’s go with that.
DAVID: What was it back there anyway?
AMATA: Punji boards. Looks like someone’s sick joke.
DAVEY: Welp. Malibu is on the rocks. She only has one spare. Need to scare up some new rubbers.
RICHARD: Oh great. Just great.
AMATA: Not much we can do now at this hour. We’ll have to hunt to find a van with tires that are melted or blown out. We’re going to have to hike to camp from here.
SFX: PIPBOY NOISE
AMATA: Not that far of a hike from here. If we cut across through the woods that’ll bring us to the far side of the lake and we can work our way around from there.
DAVEY: Groovy! Let me grab my kit. Grab your gear dudes.
SFX: BAGS AND DOORS OPENING AND SLAMMING.
RICHARD: If I get murdered in the woods I’m going to haunt you.
DAVID: G…g….ghost! (Laughs)
JAKE: Right. Let’s go gang…stay close…keep up.
SFX: WALKING NOISES. DIALOGUE FADES.
DAVEY: I hope this kooky camp has some devil dogs! You ever snarfed one of those bad boys?
SFX: AMBIANCE. AN OWL HOOTS. SLOWLY CLOMPING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH. PAUSE. THEN FOLLOW.
SCENE 13: INT. RBTS. RADIO.
NIGHT WOLF: …and that was Anita Hugginkiss with that classical number, “Notice Me Pieman”. RBTS AM, the Radio Voice of Appalachia broadcasting from the Mire at 5,000 watts of power, slamming sweet beats straight into your melon as you run from post-apocalyptic horrors. This is your music host, the Night Wolf, bringing you all the classics from the Golden Age before everything went straight to hell! Comin’ up MORE jazzed up, chart toppin’ bangers from the Big Band Era! But first, a word from our the sponsor of tonight’s show, those folks over at Camp Wannagrindalot who have recently got the blood stains out of the floors and walls and are inviting ghoul scouts to spend a few weeks on beautiful Crystal Lake.
BRIAN: …no you go.
MARYANNE: (laughs) …no you go.
BRIAN: Okay…let’s both go…
MARYANNE: Are you sure?
HUGO (VO): We’re recording this…so you know…in your own time.
BRIAN: I have a swell idea…let’s both go!
MARYANNE: Oh Brian, you’re so smart. You sure know how to make a girl’s socks curl.
BRIAN: Ready? 1…2…3…
BRIAN: Well hey there!
MARYANNE: Well hey there!
BRIAN: I’m Brian Williams, Head Counselor, merit badge completionist and chair for the Appalachia Order of the Arrow of Fire.
MARYANNE: And I’m MaryAnne Belts, Senior Counselor, ukulele player, and blushing uber virgin!
BRIAN: If your little ghouls are demonstrating unwanted behavior, instead of letting them go feral and putting them down with a shotgun, why not sign them up for 2 weeks at Camp Wannagrindalot!
MARYANNE: Camp Wannagrindalot is an Appalachia tradition, one of the oldest and most renowned boys and girl’s camps in the state. Located on picturesque Crystal Lake, our camp is nestled among majestic evergreens, kissed by the cooling winds that blow in off the lake on sweltering days.
BRIAN: Camp Wannagrindalot is built on a culture of timeless values. Your little ghouls with their horrifying skin conditions and an eternity trapped in the body of a child will forge new, lifelong friendships, acquire essential skills for survival and good citizenship and emerge self-assured and productive non-feral members of society!
MARYANNE: Over 50 acres of recreational activities, breathtaking nature trails, and well-kept lakefront await you! Our cabins offer comfortable and ample accommodations, while our original and fully renovated main lodge will be your hub for well balanced meals and community.
BRIAN: For just 500 caps for 2 weeks, we invite you join us for another summer of good, clean fun at Camp Wannagrindalot!
HUGO (VO): Yeah that’s great...totally not going to get murdered or anything…
SFX: WANNAGRINDALOT JINGLE. MARYANNE PLAYS UKELELE
MARY/BRIAN: (Singing) Everywhere we goooooo!
People wanna know….
Who we are….
And where we come from….
We always tell them!
Wanna wanna grind a lot!
NIGHT WOLF: Whooooooooo so crunch those caps Dad’s! But remember teens…keep it in your pants out there and play it fast and loose up on Lover’s Leap. Wouldn’t want you to lose you heads! This is the Night Wolf and now for, the Headless Six with their rocking ballad, “Tonight’s The Night”.
MEDIA: SONG TRANSITION
NIGHT WOLF: He doesn’t pay me enough to air this shit.
SFX: CIGARETTE LIT.
SFX: DOOR OPENS QUICKLY.
NIGHT WOLF: That you Hugo?
HUGO: Jesus Christ….
NIGHT WOLF: What’s cookin’ boss? You look like someone’s danced on your grave.
HUGO: Where’s that Vodka you’ve been stashing?
NIGHT WOLF: The….I have no idea what you’re yappin’ about.
HUGO: Now! I need a fucking drink.
NIGHT WOLF: Alright, alright. Keep your pants on. Here.
SFX: DRINK POURED. CHUGGED.
NIGHT WOLF: Whoa…slow your roll…you’ll end up lickin’ the tiles if you swig it like that. What’s up?
HUGO: Everything at the prison went to hell. Massive jailbreak. The Overseer is loose and on a killing spree….I…I’ve never seen so many bloody paper bags.
NIGHT WOLF: That crazy cook who killed all them kids last year?
HUGO: The same. She couldn’t have gotten out of there without help.
NIGHT WOLF: No, no, no…look boss you need to drop this Sickleman investigation thing. Let the officials take care of it. We’ve got a station to run.
HUGO: Decades ago my grandfather got his start in radio as an investigative journalist. The Nuka Cola war and their shady dealings, the RobCo espionage ring…he busted up Communist Clubs and championed consumers against big business. This…is more than personal to me. It’s a heritage.
NIGHT WOLF: What exactly do you think you’re going to do? We need help here. You’ve had me spinnin’ tapes and records in 14 hours shifts. We need some new blood in here if you’re goin’ to be an absentee boss…
SFX: DOOR KICKED OPEN.
CHARLES: Fear not amateur talent and broadcasters, Charles Bishop is here! The golden voice of Appalachialand, the method actor extraordinaire, chairman of the Silver Shroud fan club and musician whose digits are known to fig it across the strings and keys leaving broken heart from here to the Ash Heap.
HUGO: Are…are you done?
CHARLES: Yes indeed. Pleased to make your acquaintance. Judging by that battered hat, mud spattered tweed suit and vacant expression, you must be station owner and proprietor Hugo Warren.
HUGO: Quite so…and you’re Charles…Bishop you said?
CHARLES: Yes, indeed my good man. And you there, with the alcohol stained wife beater, bedragged blastback hairdo and sunglasses pilfered off a corpse must be what he considers to be “talent”…
NIGHT WOLF: Now look here shit stick…
CHARLES: Such language. Fear not my cliché colleague! I am here to add my dulcet tones and pleasing personage to the morning “drive”. Well I said drive…truly it’s more like a morning grind. Am I right?
HUGO: The wheels are coming off here. You’re applying for the open DJ position?
HUGO: Well, look fella…I’ve never heard of you, but then I didn’t mingle much with the weird theatrical emo crowd in the Vault down on level 5. What exactly can you do?
CHARLES: Firstly! Radio drama. Ahem.
SFX: METAL CANISTER DROPS. SMOKE EXPLODES.
SHROUD: Walking the streets of Morgantown on the airwaves of JUSTICE, whatever goo pile or crumpled corpse houses the essence of evil I will enact my terrible justice upon it. Death is coming for you and I am its shroud!
HUGO: No…no…no...the Silver Shroud? We can’t broadcast those stories.
CHARLES: Ehm…why not?
HUGO: Because the mic is still, the song has stopped, and this nonsense is going out on the airwaves. Wait for it. Any minute now…
SFX: DOOR BUSTS OPEN.
HUGO: Yup. Here you go. See you again soon.
SFX: DOOR CLOSES.
HUGO: And that’s why. All of these systems are still running automatically. We can’t air, much less perform any Silver….any…of those stories. So we’ll need to think of something no one owns or cares about.
CHARLES: That is both offensive and baffling! Hmmm…what about…oh what was that rag comic parody that everyone hated. Ah! The Bland Banshee!
HUGO: Sure…that we can do. We could do with some new radio dramas. There’s only so many times I can listen to Butcher Pete while running for my life out there before I want to smash my PipBoy to pieces. What else you got?
CHARLES: Stand back! You have no doubt heard of my hot single, “Caps On My Mind?”
NIGHT WOLF: Is that supposed to be a song?
CHARLES: Allow me to excite your earholes fellas. Ahem… (Fenwa sings a few verses of Caps On My Mind)
HUGO: You know what? That’s not half bad. I’m sold. You’re hired.
NIGHT WOLF: WHAT???
CHARLES: Perfection! Which way to the Green Room? Where is the Employee Lounge? I hope we have a fully stocked bar…Mr. Charles Bishop starts his morning with a high ball.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS RECEEDE.
NIGHT WOLF: I hope you know what you’re doing. He’s going to be a handful.
HUGO: Look before you were “the Night Wolf” you were a Vault-Tec septic diver named Buck Wiggins. I gave you a break. Give him one. I’m off.
NIGHT WOLF: Where are you going?
HUGO: I’m grabbing some shut eye. Then I’m heading out to that camp to do some poking around. There’s an old, abandoned cabin right across the lake I’ll be crashing at. Keep the lights on. Any issues send the Mr. Handy…Pennyworth out to find me.
NIGHT WOLF: Fair enough boss. (Clear throat) GOODDDDD EVENING APPALACHIA! And now we dig deep into that jukebox to smash some buttons and send some sweet sounds out there to the likely doomed denizens out at Crystal Lake. Here’s a little number from Lyle Lovington who promises to love you forever as he sings his love ballad “The World Could End Tonight.”
MEDIA: SONG SLOW FADE OUT.
SCENE 14: INT. CAMP WANNAGRINDALOT LODGE
SFX: DISHES NOISES.
MARYANNE: Well gang! That sure was a swell can-do day. We sure put those elbows to work and got the blood stains out of the hardwood. With bellies full and spirits high, time to get the old Nukalele out and sing a little song. If you know the lyrics…sing along!
Kumbaya my Lord, kumbaya
Kumbaya my Lord, kumbaya
Kumbaya my Lord, kumbaya
Oh Lord, kumbaya
Someone's singing Lord, kumbaya
Someone's singing Lord, kumbaya
Someone's singing Lord, kumbaya
Oh Lord, kumbayah
Someone's crying Lord, kumbaya
Someone's crying Lord, kumbaya
Someone's crying Lord, kumbaya
Oh Lord, kumbaya
Someone's praying Lord, kumbaya
Someone's praying Lord, kumbaya
Someone's praying Lord, kumbaya
Oh Lord, kumbaya
Oh Lord, kumbaya
Oh Lord, kumbaya
Oh Lord, kumbaya
Oh Lord, kumbaya
BECKY GHOUL: Oh brother. This song is the bomb.
SLICK WILLY: You can say that again kid! Personally, Old Willy would like to introduce her to his perk loadout…know what I mean (laughs)
BECKY GHOUL: You’re a creep.
SLICK WILLY: You know it!
BECKY GHOUL: What even was that for dinner? I think mine was still moving.
SLICK WILLY: Ollllllllllllllllllld Slick Willy’s Downhome Liver and Onions! Sticks to your ribs goodness!
BECKY GHOUL: Onions? Where did you find onions.
SLICK WILLY: Well on the confidential-like I fist fight a nest of them out behind the barn each night so I can milk them brood mother’s for the breakfast chow line.
BECKY GHOUL: Jesus Christ that’s gross!
SLICK WILLY: Well some of the fellas who love that brood mother reallllll nice (laughs) don’t take kindly to old Slick Willy getting the milk on. So I usually have to kill a few of them before the job is done. You toss their skins in the oven with some salt and hooooooooooooooooooo wheee they make a substitute or you can just eat them extra crispy like I do as cracklin’s!
BECKY GHOUL: I’m going to be sick…
BRIAN: Well I must say this kitchen is look spick and span! Let’s see those utensils Becky!
BECKY GHOUL: Here…
BRIAN: Well golly! I sure am proud of how you have flourished as an orphan in my care…I can practically see the macula of my pupil in the spit polish shine of this fork! You get an A+ from me! And with that…I proudly present your Domestic Matron merit badge! (small golf club) I couldn’t be more proud!
BECKY GHOUL: Thanks.
BRIAN: AHEM! If I could have everyone’s attention please! Scoutmaster Stewart would like to address the staff!
STEWART: Thank you Counselor Brian. As you know this is our 3rd night here and I couldn’t be more delighted with how everyone has pulled together to whip Camp Wannagrindalot back into shape after a year of exposure to the elements and destruction to many of the cabins by wandering hordes of Liberators. The final coat of paint was splashed on the boathouse this evening and I am delighted to report that a Mr. Messenger has successfully delivered a message to us after 15 attempts mind you…that this year’s Ghoul Scouts will be arriving throughout the day tomorrow. I am also happy to report that enrollment has increased by 25% over last year.
BRIAN: That’s swell!
MARYANNE: You said it Brian with those virtuous and luscious lips. Clearly our message of good living, a dedication to the scout motto and possessing a healthy mind and body has reached those kids with their skin conditions and brought them by the number!
BRIAN: You said it MaryAnne, you ear delicious biped with pleasing dimensions and childbearing hips.
STEWART: Yes, that’s enough of that you two. It is more likely that some of the …notoriety and unpleasantness… is bringing many children here this season for thrills and chills. But as per our team meeting last evening, the events of last year are not to be discussed. As you know we are still several counselors short but thanks to the efforts of Counselors Mary Anne Belts and Brian Williams our recruitment posters and radio commercial should rectify that quickly. In the meanwhile, I wanted to introduce you all to our new Camp Nurse, Agatha Simpson.
LADY SIMPSON: Oh hello dears. It is a pleasure to meet you all. Hopefully, the poison ivy and giant killer mosquito bites will be minimal this year (small laugh) but if they do, Nurse Simpson is here.
SLICK WILLY: Bless my bunions…Slick Willy wants Venus!
BECKY GHOUL: What?
SLICK WILLY: What a looker. Put the rest of this pots and pans away kid…(singing) Old Willy’s goin’ courtin’ hopin’ she’ll riddddeeee she’lll riddddeeee….
STEWART: And with introductions concluded, I’ll bid you all good night. Brian if you wouldn’t mind closing up for the evening. I have to see to a bear problem at the apiary. They keep fighting with the bees.
BRIAN: You can count on me Headmaster Stewart!
MARYANNE: Say Brian! Why don’t we all do one more round of ice cold Nuka Cola Quantums and ride the sugar high through a round of 99 bottles of Purified Water?
BRIAN: Oh, MaryAnne you’re so dangerous with your sugary seduction. Let’s do it!
BRIAN/MARY: 99 bottles of purified water on the ground….
99 bottles of purified water…
You pick one up, fight off a ghoul…
98 bottles of purified water in the trash…
98 bottles of purified water…
You take one up, get some rads
97 bottles of purified water surrounded by ticks
97 bottles of purified water…
They suck and go splat, what’s up with that?
BECKY GHOUL: Right. That’s enough for me thanks. I’m going to bed.
BRIAN: (Hiccup) Oh these slightly irradiated bubbles are going right to my frontal lobe. You tuck yourself in nice and tight Becky and don’t forget to recite the Ghoul Scout Motto!
BECKY GHOUL: Whatever…good night.
SLICK WILLY: Poo don eh moi mon sherry, allow myself to introduce myself. Ignatius Willard is the name. May I lick your hand?
LADY SIMPSON: Umm…no.
SLICK WILLY: Well you can’t flick a tick for tryin’! HOOO WHEEEEE. My friends call me Slick Willy.
MARYANNE: Hey…just like that water park of questionable construction and the tackiest of themes.
SLICK WILLY: (Angry) That sum a bitch Bert Castle paid me just $50 and a case of beer and sketched Old Willy for his rag comic book like some kind of French girl. Even had me talk into some kind of recording contraption all kinds of messages about some water park he was thinking of building.
BRIAN: Watch your language Mr. Willy. Casual use of obscenities is simply the effort of a feeble brain looking to express itself forcibly. As per the Scout Handbook in Chapter 18 subsection 3, if you find yourself experiencing frustration about an encounter with an unsavory individual or happen to strike your thumb while building a birdhouse find an alternative and social appropriate word to use instead. For me, I say, “Oh crickets!” In fact it was our own 1st president George Washington who said…
SLICK WILLY: Shut up Brian!
LADY SIMPSON: Shut up Brian!
MARYANNE: Would you like to see my cankle Brian?
SLICK WILLY: Ah blow it out yer keister the pair of you. Well sir that old snake in the grass Bert Castle stole my name and my personamage for those awful cartoons and that crazy water park. Ol’ Willy was makin’ a living as a fluffer for Golden Globes studios before that day the world went to hell. But don’t you worry darlin’ just cuz ol’ Willy has the skin of an open-faced roast beef sandwich doesn’t mean he doesn’t know how to treat a lady.
LADY SIMPSON: Yes…well…Ignatius…
SLICK WILLY: Call me Slick.
LADY SIMPSON: I’d rather not. Mr. Willard I’d like you to visit my nurses hut in the morning. From the milky color in your pupils and the way your hands are shaking, you look like you’ve caught some kind of disease.
SLICK WILLY: You bet your girdle! I’ve been collectin’ em. I’ve almost got a full set. Flap limp, buzz brain, sludge lung (hawk and spit noise) and on Salisbury Steak night…swamp gas! HOOOO WHEEE! But that ol’ elusive Woopsies is my White Whale my dear. One day I’ll have the full set.
LADY SIMPSON: You’re disgusting.
SLICK WILLY: Your sweet, honeyed words are going right to Willy’s one pair of underwear.
BRIAN: Right. Well as lovely as casual conversation is during off hours as an essential tool to build rapport and camaraderie amongst fellow counselors, it’s time for shut eye team! Scoutmaster Stewart said we have ALL new merit badges and even backpacks this year for the scouts to work on acquiring as part of their journey into adulthood that will never come.
LADY SIMPSON: Well…that’s my queue. Good night.
SLICK WILLY: Until the cock crows at dawn HA HYUCKKKKK my little Ash Rose.
LADY SIMPSON: Whatever.
BRIAN: May I have the pleasure of escorting you to your lodging MaryAnne and bid you a firm handshake good night?
MARYANNE: Well thanks Brian! All this soda has me weak in the knees.
SLICK WILLY: (Mumbling) Pansy ass weirdoes.
MARYANNE: And a pleasant, good evening to you Mr. Willard!
SFX: LIGHT SWITCH. KEYS IN DOOR LOCK.
SLICK WILLY: Time for Ol’ Willy to wet his whistle! Best be checking my still…
(Singing Oh Susannah)
Oh, Miss Simpson
Oh don’t you cry for me
For I come from Appalachia
With my banjo on my knee
SFX: BRANCH CRACK.
SLICK WILLY: Huh? Who is that? ---Brian? Look you long eared dweeb ol’ Willy is no mood for your flappy jaw. I’m a regular curly wolf after I get some of the moonshine in me!
SFX: CROW CAW. FLIES OFF.
SLICK WILLY: Blasted bird!
SFX: WALKING. SOUNDS OF FLAME THROWER
STEWART: Have at thee you mutated Yao Guai bastard! Stay out of those bee hives! Mr. Willard! I could use a hand here!
SLICK WILLY: Old Willy’s off the clock with dishpan hands and he’s off to chase the demon with some moonshine! (Laugh) Good luck! (muttered) You tin plated varmint.
SFX: WALKING. BUBBLING IS HEARD. BRUSH IS MOVED.
SLICK WILLY: HOOOO WEEEEE! Time to test Ol’ Willy’s hooch!
SFX: CHUGGING. BURP NOISE.
SLICK WILLY: (Yell) HOOOO WEEEE! O LD WILLY’S RIDIN’ WHITE LIGHTNING TONIGHT!
BECKY GHOUL: Will you shut the fuck up! I’m trying to sleep!
LADY SIMPSON: Go to bed you old coot!
SLICK WILLY: With you! Anytime m’dear!
SLICK WILLY: Eh? What’s that?
SLICK WILLY: Eh? Looks like a trail of blood. (Yells) Look here you blue suited polecat! If any of you gall darned raiders are lookin’ for a scrap! Ol’ Willy will kiss your keister with Ol’ Blue here!
SFX: RIFLE LOADED.
HAWKINS: HEY! Who is that?? 5-0 New Responders hold it right there!
SLICK WILLY: Cool yer tits flat foot! It’s Willy!
HAWKINS: Mr. Willard?
SFX: BRUSH MOVED. FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.
HAWKINS: What are you doing out here?
SLICK WILLY: I could axe you dah same question!
HAWKINS: We had a prison break. Commander dispatched some officers to patrol the perimeter of the camp here. There was some concern after last year’s…unpleasantness. Hey…what’s that…
SLICK WILLY: It’s blood you fool! Ol’ Willy was just getting’ ready to unload and skin himself a raider (laugh)
HAWKINS: Hold up…heads off in this direction.
STEWART: Who is that? Is it someone new? We’re still hiring!
HAWKINS: It’s Officer Hawkins Scoutmaster Stewart. Geez is everyone awake?
STEWART: What brings you out here? What’s the trouble?
HAWKINS: Prison break. Commander Hawkins will be here with the Judge and District Attorney Fletcher to discuss a…delicate matter with you. But suffice to say for now we have the camp surrounded by officers and fire breathers to keep an eye out.
STEWART: Is that blood?
HAWKINS: Yeah…let’s go. Heads off around the lake shore here. Stay close. Stay aware.
STEWART: All of our counselors are accounted for. Can’t be from the bear, I flame throwered him off to the other side of the lake.
HAWKINS: No, this is human blood. Look…loops back round towards the backside of the camp.
SLICK WILLY: Well let’s crack on wit it! Ol Willy has to drain his snake! HOOOO WHEEEE!
HAWKINS: SHHHH! Jesus Christ…keep it down.
STEWART: This path loops back up to the bathroom and shower hut. What is that?
HAWKINS: Some kind of light. Candles?
SLICK WILLY: It’s probably those 2 geeks practicing the dark arts! They’re so tight they need Old Scratch to peel their panties off! (Laugh)
HAWKINS: Jesus Christ…that’s…
STEWART: Some kind of cult shrine. This wasn’t here when we started cleanup last week.
HAWKINS: The skulls…look…oh I’m gonna be sick…they look freshly stripped of flesh.
STEWART: There were rumors of a totem or shrine at the old campground in my data banks, but to my knowledge they were removed as evidence. They certainly weren’t here last year…or if they were, we never found them.
HAWKINS: Some stumps in the ground here…looks like brush has been cleared recently. This has probably been here for a while and you never noticed. Right. I need to report in so you guys should shut down or head to bed. Let’s keep this area clear.
SLICK WILLY: Fair enough. But Ol’ Willy will be sleepin’ with Ol’ Blue here, locked and loaded just in case. (Yells) And just in case there’s some crazy sum a bitch out there Ol’ Willy sleeps like the good Lord intended! (Laughs)
STEWART: I’ll be in my office during breakfast when most of the staff will be busy eating. If convenient I can meet with the Judge, District Attorney Fletcher and Commander Johns then. While repairing the old groundskeeper’s cabin we found a false wall and some old file boxes that may be of interest.
HAWKINS: Will do. Good night.
STEWART: And to you sir.
SFX: WALKING AWAY. WIND WHISTLES. CLOMPING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH AND MOVE IN THE DIRECTION OF SCOUTMASTER STEWART. RECEEDE IN DISTANCE.
SCENE 15: EXT. WOODS. NIGHT.
PATSY: Are we almost there? My feet are cold and we’ve been walking FOREVER. OW! Like what the hell? My nail fell off.
MOOSE: Hey it happens in the woods babe. It’s all part of that authentic outdoors experience. You’re bound to get your nails a little dirty.
PATSY: Like I think it was from all those rads we got wandering through that swamp. Why we didn’t stick to the road is beyond me.
CHAD: Because it’s late and I wanted to get the kid checked in and into bed before everyone else there did. Place is probably all shut up for the night now. We should be able to find one of the cabins unlocked…can crash and check in first thing in the morning.
PUNCH: Chode what Punch do at CUMP?
CHAD: It’s camp dude…and I dunno. There’s lots of stuff you can do.
PUNCH: What happen at CAMP?
CHAD: Not much different from what we do now, except the beds are hard as rocks, the shit house will knock you out, you get to try and fall asleep but spend the night freaking out because you hear a fucking mosquito and can’t find it. Mind you they are as big as a dog now so it’s probably under the god damned bed waiting to stick its prostate caboscus up your garbage chute.
SUSIE: (Soft moan) Are we there yet Mr. Punch?
PUNCH: Little friend sleep more.
SUSIE: Aren’t your arms tired?
PUNCH: No. Punch strong. You sleep.
ELLA: Where the hell are we? Maybe we take a quick break so something can tickle my fanny? Or maybe we could build a trap camp? Tee hee!
MOOSE: What’s up with these trees?
CHAD: I think it’s like…an orchard. Apple orchard.
PATSY: I thought apples came from boxes?
CHAD: For fuck’s sake…no, the apples grew on a tree before they were chemo magically sprinkled with asbestos or some other shit to preserve them for hundreds of years.
PATSY: Assbest? I’ve got the best ass right babe?
MOOSE: You know it!
SFX: BEAR TRAP NOISE.
PATSY: (Screaming) AH! JESUS CHRIST! THAT HURTS! GET IT OFF MEEEE! MOOSE!
MOOSE: What is it?? What’s wrong?
SUSIE: (Wakes) What happened??!
PUNCH: Moose meatbag friend step in boo boo claw.
ELLA: Oh man! Someone make popcorn! Tee hee!
CHAD: She’s in a bear trap. Here…lean on me Pats…
PATSY: (Crying) PLEASE GET IT OFF ME! AHHH….FUCK….OWWWWEEEEEE…
MOOSE: Hold on babe….damn you got your foot right in there.
CHAD: Can you force it open bro?
PUNCH: Moose just eat meatbag friend now. She broke. Maybe make nice roast rump?
MOOSE: NO! Damn it bro. Okay Pats…hold up…this is gonna hurt.
SFX: METAL SPRING NOISE.
PATSY: AH! FUCK! Owww…owweeee….owww (whimpering noises)
CHAD: Damn…that doesn’t look good. Punch dude pass me a Stimpak.
PUNCH: No Stemp Pick Chode.
CHAD: What do you mean? We had like 5 of them left.
PUNCH: Punch got hungry. Stimpak YUCK. Not tasty. Tickle tummy all bad.
CHAD: You ate them?
PUNCH: Crunchy bits good…red jelly goo YUCK.
CHAD: Right…she’s not going to be able to walk on that. We need to find a place to scav or maybe bum a Stimpak off someone.
MOOSE: Hop up babe…
ELLA: A, B, C, D, E, F, G…Patsy’s ankle loves to bleed! Tee hee!
PATSY: Shut that thing up!
SUSIE: No YOU shut up! Ella and I were sleeping. Now we’re awake and cranky. It was your dumb fault for walking into that clap trap.
CHAD: Come on…I think I see a house over there.
MOOSE: You okay?
PATSY: NO Moose…my fucking ankle looks like a Brahmin burger.
PUNCH: Ohhhh…Punch can eat?
PATSY: SHUT UP PUNCH!
MOOSE: Not cool dude!
PUNCH: Awww…no yummy ankle for Punch.
CHAD: Okay you guys hold back here in case there’s trouble.
SFX: WALKING TO DECK. HAMMERING ON DOOR.
CHAD: Yo! Anyone home? We need help!
SFX: HAMMERING ON DOOR.
CHAD: Hey! Anyone in there?!
SFX: FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.
THOMAS: Hold up. Heavenly days…what’s all this racket?
SFX: DOOR OPENS.
THOMAS: Yes? Yes what is it?
CHAD: Uhh…scuse me dude, we were cuttin’ through your orchard back there and my friend got her foot stuck in a bear trap.
THOMAS: Oh no! I hope she’s not hurt.
CHAD: Well we got her out, but her ankle is real messed up.
THOMAS: Oh dear, dear. That won’t do. That won’t do at all. You know I laid some traps back there because of all those blasted Yao Guai and Molerats comin’ through and trampling my samplings.
MOOSE: Everything okay dude?
CHAD: Yeah! Hold up.
THOMAS: Well where are my manners. Come in, come in. (Louder) It’s alright folks.
MOOSE: Thanks dude! Nice house…
PUNCH: Ohhhh! Maybe man have nummy nummms.
SUSIE: Oh, maybe he has some sweet rolls or lemonade!
ELLA: Hmmmm….tee hee.
THOMAS: Oh…ehm…I don’t think you’ll fit through my door big feller!
CHAD: Oh that’s just Punch dude. He’s harmless.
THOMAS: Just the same…how about we head on out here to the barn. I have some nice comfy couches and a few cots. We can get your friend fixed up right as right. That’s right. Right as rain! Jethro! Here b oy!
PATSY: Ewww! It’s one of those ticks! Kill it!
THOMAS: NO NO! Hold up! That’s just Ol’ Jethro. He’s tame.
ELLA: Oh I like him. Tee hee. Maybe he’s hungry for a little Patsy parfait?!
SUSIE: Mr. Punch can you put me down?
PUNCH: Stay close to Punch. Punch not like puny human man place.
THOMAS: Right through here folks. There…here set the young lady down right here on this cot and I’ll get some medical supplies. Mr…ehm…what’s your name son?
MOOSE: I’m Moose. But my friends call me Moose.
THOMAS: Err…right. Why don’t toss some kindling in the wood stove over there and start a fire. Get some heat in here.
MOOSE: You got it dude!
CHAD: You got any Stimpaks? That should fix her right up.
THOMAS: Oh ‘fraid not son. All things considered I live a little bit of the old fashioned life. Earth sun and air if you get my meaning. I think we’ve had enough of technology and what it led to…to last us a lifetime! But don’t you worry…my late wife was a salt of the earth type. We have remedies for just about everything that ails you…from bunions to flesh wounds.
SUSIE: Can I pet Jethro mister?
THOMAS: Why sure. Here….give him this blood pack to suck on and he’ll love you till the day you die.
SUSIE: Thank you.
ELLA: Oh I like this one. Tee hee.
THOMAS: Right this way son.
CHAD: It’s Chad. Chad Johnson.
THOMAS: Thomas Mueller. Pleased to make your acquaintance. Now let’s see. I have an odds and odds medical kit over here that I keep well stocked. Say, what are you kids doing out this late?
CHAD: We got a late start. Headed out to work Camp Wannagrindalot again this year.
SFX: JAR SMASH.
THOMAS: You’re taking that little girl to that place?
CHAD: Yeah…what’s the problem dude?
THOMAS: Look…it ain’t none of my business…but that’s the last place you want to be bringing a little girl to. You know what happened there, right?
CHAD: Yeah the lame Overseer went on a nutty.
THOMAS: No, no! That was just some copycat nonsense son! I’m talking in the old days.
CHAD: Yeah but that was like…a bunch of years ago. Why does it matter?
THOMAS: Matter??? Matter? The place was a bloodbath. They should’ve never opened that camp in the first place. There are old places in the world that for all of Man’s glittering technology and wiz bang robotics are dark and stay dark. You mind you and yours…because that kind of darkness is always hungry.
CHAD: Yeah dude, I don’t really dwell on all that stuff. The kid over there deserves a break and some fun, and there are at least 10 hotties who need a little taste of the Chad.
THOMAS: (Sighs) Suit yourself. I did warn you. Ah! Here it is.
PATSY: Baby…I’m losing feeling in my foot…
THOMAS: Hold up there…here we go…this healing sauve was somewhat of a specialty of my late wife’s great great grandmother who brought the recipe over the from the old country.
THOMAS: No. Newark.
PUNCH: Ohhhhh! Look at round things Chode! MISS TAR can punch have some?
THOMAS: My apples? Help yourself green feller that was an early crop. First generation…cultivating apples is a family thing but it’s been a real pickle to get them to grow in these conditions. Took me forever to figure out the right fertilizer mix to get them to really grow.
PATSY: That’s…like feeling a lot better. Wait…what’s happening to my toes!
THOMAS: Oh…yeah…well sometimes that can happen. My Ellie called it the “gypsy curse” on account that sometimes if the mix was off it had a tendency to heal and give your little hair follicles a boost.
PATSY Oh my God! I have hair all over my foot!
ELLA: Can someone find me a video camera? I’m having my best day ever! Tee hee!
MOOSE: And just like that I discovered I’m into something kinky.
PATSY: When we get to camp Moose you’re going to find me a razor is what you’re going to do!
THOMAS: Anywhoooo you should be right as rain now.
MOOSE: Thanks a lot dude!
CHAD: Yeah bro…really appreciated. Come on kid…let’s pound the dirt…kid? Kid?
THOMAS: Well I’ll be…she’s out like a light and Ol’ Jethro is purring like a kitten. Look I need to hit the hay. Need to be up before dawn to head into the fields, but why don’t you folks stay here the night. In the morning…if you’re still dead set on heading over there at least you’ll have gotten some shut eye.
PATSY: THIS mattress is actually clean and doesn’t look like someone was murdered on it. I say we stay here. That camp is like gross…and as it I’m st uck there the 2 weeks.
MOOSE: Push over babe!
PATSY: No! You’ll break the cot. Pull up that hay bale or something.
PUNCH: Ohhhhh….punch tummy gurgle ouch…
THOMAS: You…you ate a crate of apples. Welp good night folks. Likely won’t see me in the morning. But I’ll see you all again. Some counselor named Brian pestered me into teaching some classes. I told him flat out I won’t be setting foot over there, but the kids will be coming over to learn about farming for their merit badges.
CHAD: Sounds good dude. Good night!
SFX: BARN DOOR CLOSES. AMBIANCE OF CRACKLING FIRE.
SUSIE: (Sleepy) Where’d everyone go?
CHAD: Off to bed. Get some sleep. Here…I packed your comfy blanket.
SUSIE: (Sleepy) Thank you. Night night.
CHAD: Good night kid.
SFX: AMBIANCE OF CRACKLING FIRE.
ELLA: On darkest nights, by light of moon
Your young life will end all too soon
Around the waters of Crystal Lake
HE is sleepi===ng for souls to take
Take a lover’s hand and run will you can
Out of the dark hunts the Sickleman! (Evil laughing)
SFX: FOOTSTEPS APPROACH BARN DOOR. SLOWLY WALK AWAY.
SCENE 16: EXT. MORNING
SFX: BIRDS SINGING. SUDDEN STATIC AND THEN A BUGLE HORN BLOWS REVILLE.
JAKE: For fuck’s sake…it’s like 7am…
AMATA: Ughhhh…I’m not ready for this. I only feel asleep at like 2am after traipsing through that god damned swamp. My shoes are gross. I’m going to have to wash them off with the hose. Let’s get up and check-in…get some breakfast.
JAKE: Oh no you don’t…
AMATA: (Laughs) Get off me.
JAKE: No. You’re my personal talking pillow.
AMATA: You…need to brush your teeth Romeo.
JAKE: But warm blanket and warm reasons. Let’s stay a little longer…
AMATA: (Laughing) Stop it. That tickles. Hey…that’s weird.
JAKE: You like it.
AMATA: No…not THAT. Bed over there hasn’t been slept in. Wasn’t Simon supposed to meet us here in the morning?
JAKE: He’s probably on his way. We’ll likely see him at breakfast.
AMATA: (Contented sigh) So what menial bullshit job do you think you’ll be stuck with this year?
JAKE: With a bit of luck they’ll have me teaching boating or something at the waterfront with you.
AMATA: But more than likely I’ll be in the lifeguard tower playing adult to a bunch of kids and you’ll be on the other end of the campground teaching laser tag with real laser guns.
JAKE: Less talk. More warm.
SFX: SCREEN DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS.
MARYANNE: Oh my! It looks like SOMEONE is mixing and mingling in a very unscoutlike way.
AMATA: MaryAnne get out of here!
MARYANNE: I realize SOME things can be super casual like playing the old “park the Corvega” before marriage Amata, but when the bugle blows…you don’t. I assume you’re here to counsel again, but check-in at the Quartermaster hut for uniforms first once you find your pants. Toodles!
AMATA: You know what? The Sickleman’s whole deal is starting to appeal to me.
JAKE: (Sighs) Pass me my pants. Let’s put our fake faces on.
SFX: BED SHEETS RUFFLED. ZIPPER NOISE.
JAKE: (Stretch groan) I hate these cots. Come on…let’s hit the bathroom then get some stupid scout uniforms.
SFX: SCREEN DOOR OPEN AND SLAM.
AMATA: What’s going on over there?
JAKE: Oh hell…it’s the Judge. Let’s keep walking.
THE JUDGE: HEY! You two! Over here.
AMATA: Well…so much for a quiet morning. Is that crime scene tape?
THE JUDGE: Well, well, well. Jacob White and Amata Hayes. I understand from some of the officers that you got past a roadblock last night?
JAKE: “Got past” is a bit of a stretch. Commander Johns waved us on through.
THE JUDGE: Those kind of calls are no longer his to make. But more importantly, you were spotted in a working vehicle…is that correct?
AMATA: Working is also a bit of a stretch.
THE JUDGE: Don’t get cute with me young lady. Answer the question.
JAKE: Yeah, we were getting a ride here with Davey the surfer ghoul.
THE JUDGE: Interesting…we haven’t been able to locate that vehicle. I talked to him earlier, but I can’t make out half the shit he says. Did you kids see anything last night?
JAKE: Sure…if you could me almost being…
AMATA: (Cuts him off) eaten by bears. We had some trouble with some bears. Almost got chomped on.
THE JUDGE: What time did you get in here?
AMATA: About 1am or so.
THE JUDGE: And you didn’t see anything?
AMATA: No sir.
FLETCHER: Judge…we’ve got a problem.
THE JUDGE: One minute Fletcher. Consider yourselves on my watch list. Keep your noses clean. Carry on with your business.
JAKE: Sure thing.
AMATA: Have a good morning.
JAKE: Well that was…
AMATA: Shhh…around the corner here. I want to listen.
FLETCHER: Your honor, Scoutmaster Stewart has been destroyed. It wasn’t no animal or supermutant either.
THE JUDGE: What???
FLETCHER: Officer Barnett found his dome cleaved open and his arms hacked off. The coroner said that judging from the amount of fluid that seeped out into the ground out back he figures he was attacked sometime between 11pm and midnight.
THE JUDGE: This is getting out of hand. Completely amateur hour. How many officers do we need here to keep law and order? Did they find those files he had mentioned to Officer Hawkins?
FLETCHER: Nothing. His office is empty. I don’t like it. It’s too coincidental.
THE JUDGE: Let’s keep this quiet for now. I have to head back to AMS Tower. Have another chat with Hawkins and that drunk pervert “Slick” Willy again.
FLETCHER: Yes sir. Have a good day.
JAKE: Scoutmaster Stewart was offed? Why? What would be the point?
AMATA: They mentioned something about files. Maybe someone found something and became a target for the Overseer.
JAKE: You think it has something to do with Simon’s key?
AMATA: Not sure. Come on…let’s shower, you need to brush your teeth and we’ll get checked in. There’s something I want to check tonight.
JAKE: Tonight? Oh great…more sleuthing after dark…my favorite. Where the hell is Simon?
SFX: WALKING RECEEDING.
SFX: KIDS LAUGHING IN BACKGROUND
CHAD: Oh hey dude it’s you! Remember me from last year? The Chad.
SUSIE: And I’m Susie and this is Ella!
SUSIE: We are SO happy to be back at camp for more fun!
ELLA: Buckle up kids because this year is gonna be a doozy! Tee hee!
CHAD: Chad Johnson.
SUSIE: Susie Davis.
ELLA: Hi! I’m Ella! No one knows where I came from or what am I, but what I really, really want is to have fanny tickled! Tee hee!
CHAD: Uhh…deja poo bro. I’m registering as a counselor again this year.
SUSIE: Oh! Chad! Uni sex! Is that the game you like to play with randos?
CHAD: Shh…not now sweet pea. Sure dude…whatever.
CHAD: Oh. Well whatever bro. Who’s runnin’ the joint?
CHAD: Well. Fuck.
CHAD: Oh they’re with me.
MOOSE: I’m Moose. Moose Miller.
PATSY: Patsy Parker. Do you have cabins with a view? Like…I like a view you know?
PATSY: Ohhhh that sounds fancy! Does it overlook the lake?
PATSY: Oh my God!
PUNCH: Punch Full Name Please.
PUNCH: Last name.
PUNCH: Ohhh! Punch like swamp! Good place for tasty mushrooms for stew!
CHAD: Come on gang, let’s drop our gear and hit the showers. Hopefully they have an outfit in your size Punch dude.
PATSY: I’m not wearing pants. They better have a skirt. I won’t be caught dead in pants.
CHAD: Ohhhh shit. Quick down this way….
PATSY: Hey it’s that lame new responder cop guy!
MOOSE: Crap dude…if they spot us we’re toast.
SUSIE: Ohhhh! Remember them Ella? When we played with that nice doctor and made lemonade for everyone?
ELLA: Oh boy! Do I! Wait till they taste our Bug Juice Surprise this year!
CHAD: Punch! Bro! Get out of the trail.
PUNCH: Uhhh…okay….ohhhh! Berries! Punch pick!
SFX: FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
CMDR JOHNS: This is getting completely out of hand Hawkins. He’s out of control.
HAWKINS: He has Fletcher in his back pocket. It’s a total power play.
CMDR JOHNS: We locked horns in the Vault at times, but since then he’s been using the chaos to position himself as a central figure…Judge, jury, executioner and now enforcement.
HAWKINS: There are those of us who have been talking. On the down low. If you need us…we’re with you.
CMDR JOHNS: I appreciate that…but tell them to keep it cool. The last thing we need is some kind of struggle for power. He’s going to be occupied with the grand opening of the new AMS Maximum Security Facility. I’ll be lurking around here. My primary concern is for these kid’s safety right now. Clear?
HAWKINS: Yes sir.
CMDR JOHNS: (Louder) And should Rex or Johnson happen to show up…have the officers steer clear for now. Those two have a history of getting in the middle of things and flushing things out. Besides, she has unresolved business with those two. They’ll make good bait.
HAWKINS: What are you looking at?
CMDR JOHNS: Nothing. But make sure you make that message clear. Got it?
HAWKINS: Sure, I guess? Where you headed?
CMDR JOHNS: Meeting up with Hugo Warren and we’re headed out to the old Miller farm.
HAWKINS: You want backup?
CMDR JOHNS: Nope. We’re good. Later.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS RECEEDE.
CHAD: Phew…that was close.
MOOSE: Punch dude…he totally saw your big green ass up in the air.
PUNCH: (Munching) Punch like berries! They squishy squishy right little friend?
SUSIE: That’s right Mr. Punch. Maybe we can make some jelly jam!
PUNCH: Punch make that with meatbag sometimes…squishy quiet….
ELLA: Squishy quiet…squishy quiet…tee hee
CHAD: That’s weird…if he spotted us…figured he’d bust our ass.
MOOSE: Who cares bro! Let’s get some breakfast! I’m starving. I hope they have biscuits and gravy…or maybe some Brahmin steak and eggs…
PATSY: Hell no. YOU and ME are getting into the shower first. You smell like a corpse and I need to get all this gross dirt out from under my nails.
MOOSE: Maybe we can play hide and go poke.
CH AD: I’m going to get the kid sorted and then I’ll come join you guys.
SCENE 17: INT. MAIN LODGE
SFX: CLATTERING DISHES. EATING.
SUSIE: Oh boy Ella! Look at all the num nums!
SLICK WILLY: Well hello there bean sprout. What can Ol’ Willy slap down on yer plate? Some of my Awesome Possum Bacon? Or maybe some Molerat Sausage with some of my fresh biscuit’s in a gulper slurry gravy? HOOOO WHEEEE!
ELLA: Can you spell dirty old weirdo? Let’s play spelling! D-I-R
SUSIE: Not now Ella. Can I have a bowl of Sugar Bombs please mister? They’re my favorite.
SLICK WILLY: Here you go darlin’ you can take what you want from the box…but not the whole box mind you. Last kid that ate a whole box of that stuff in one go OD’d. (Laughs)
SUSIE: I won’t. Let’s sit on the comfy chairs by the fire Ella!
ELLA: Oh I like fire! The warmth tickles my fanny tee hee!
BECKY GHOUL: Well, well, well…
ELLA: I know that voice. I hate that voice. Let’s kills that voice.
SUSIE: Hello Becky…
BECKY GHOUL: Surprised to see me?
SUSIE: Not really. Sometimes when you flush shit it comes bubbling back up.
ELLA: You go girl. Tee hee.
BECKY GHOUL: You trapped me down there under the outhouse with those disgusting crap covered ghouls…it was GROSS.
SUSIE: Chad says sometimes that life’s a bitch.
ELLA: Can you spell bitch?
ELLA: B-E-C-K-Y Yayyyyy! Tee hee!
BECKY GHOUL: We’re not done you and I.
SUSIE: You know it sister…
BRIAN: Well hey there Becky and new camper! Susie isn’t it? I’ve heard lots about you from little Becky here.
SUSIE: I’ll bet! It’s nice to meet you.
BRIAN: Now Becky are you making friends like we talked about? Good humor and a positive mental attitude are the cornerstones of good scouting ethics.
BECKY GHOUL: (Clenched teeth) Yes. We’ll make friends.
SUSIE: Or not!
ELLA: Someone get me a switchblade…I want to see what her insides look like. Tee hee!
BRIAN: Becky shouldn’t you be assisting Mr. Willard in the kitchen?
BECKY GHOUL: Yes…
BRIAN: Good girl! I need to address all of our new counselors and this year’s ghoul scouts! AHEM!
SFX: GLASS CLINKING. EVERYONE QUIETS.
BRIAN: On behalf of all of us here, we wish to welcome you all back to Camp Wannagrindalot, Appalachia’s premiere youth enrichment destination and now home to the Ghoul Scouts program for irradiated dermatologically challenged children of Appalachia who inspire to be non-feral and productive citizens to assist in the rebuilding of our great land. In fact, the word citizen originated in the 1300s in Anglo-French, pronounced citesein meaning city-dweller or town dweller. Later in 1795 during the French Revolution the word was used as a republican alternative to Monsieur. In Adam Smith, “Theory of Moral Sentiments…”
JAKE: Yeah, how about you just get on with it before whatever we just had for breakfast from that old weirdo back there finishes moving its through my intestinal tract.
SLICK WILLY: Eat Ol’ Willy’s dick yah log eared beanpole! HA HEEEEEEEEEE!
BRIAN: Interrupting a superior is frowned upon and you’ll see proper polite protocols of interjection outlines in Chapter 18, section 12A of your Counselor Guidebook.
AMATA: Yeah…well we had to use it as toilet paper. It made for a refreshing alternative to leaves, pine cones or molerat skin.
BRIAN: Nifty! Well I’m sure we can get you two another set lickity split!
SFX: DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS.
CHAD: Hey! Who took all the god damn toilet paper? I had to wipe my ass with a possum and that little bastard was pretty pissed off.
BRIAN: Hmm. Chad, isn’t it? Aren’t you a wanted felon?
CHAD: Nah dude that’s that other guy, Simon. I’m here to pitch in and hopefully get off.
MARYANNE: Oh my!
MOOSE: Come on Pats. Everyone is waiting.
PATSY: No. I’m not going in there.
MOOSE: Come on babe…everyone else is here. You look fine.
PATSY: That guy put me in SHORTS. I look like a single old librarian.
BRIAN: Ehm. Ookie dokie! Well grab seats.
CHAD: Jake. Amata. Surprised to see you guys here. Isn’t the diner doing well?
JAKE: Nah…Simon brought us here to…
AMATA: vacation! We needed a vacation. Clean air and stuff. There’s only so much you can stand when it comes to dealing with people.
CHAD: Taint that the truth. Moose! Pats. Park it.
MOOSE: Come on Pats, bring those masculine shorts over here to sit on my lap.
PATSY: This is going to be a miserable 2 weeks.
SUSIE: Where’s Mr. Punch?
CHAD: We thought it best that he not bust in here and spook the locals yet. We’ll introduce him in a better way. Chad has a plan.
BRIAN: Well as I was saying I have some exciting news and some news that not so nifty. So I’m going to open this year’s welcome ceremony with what I like to call a news sandwich! Some of the delightful, good stuff represented by a slice of rye bread, with a layer of not so good news…like Snallygaster tongue then finished off with a nice buttered slice of good news represented by another slice of…
DAVEY: Ride the wave or bite the board dude! Davey needs at least 3 hours left in the day for drinking in rays and rads!
BRIAN: Firstly, I am excited to inform you that this year’s program is going to N-I-F-T-Y! What does that spell?
CHAD: That’s my girl right there. I’ve never been so proud.
BRIAN: Nifty! That’s right! Now before the Great War, a yearly tradition here at Camp Wannagrindalot was our yearly jamboree! Well because of those green blooded communists, we have had one since October 21st, 2077. Well…hold on to your sock suspenders folks because we’re bringing it back! Now to tell you more about that is fellow Counselor and Activities Coordinator, MaryAnne Belts!
MARYANNE: Why thank you Brian! We have 2 weeks of merit badge earning fun! We’ll be powering you through all kinds of challenges focused on our five principles of good scouting that reflect the spirit of exploration: survival, teamwork, research, discovery and innovation! But that’s not all, we’re bringing back classic events such as our Fishing Contest…
PATSY: Hey like Jake that’s great for you! You can land yourself a stanky Amata!
AMATA: Shut up skank!
PATSY: You shut up!
DAVEY: Chill like Pismo Beach Gidgets! Good vibes only!
MARYANNE: We’ll also have our pie-eating contest…and lest I remind you all that I am the ranking food eating champion from Vault 76’s Sausage Eating Competition!
JAKE: Speaking of sausage eating…where the fuck is Simon? I’m getting worried.
MARYANNE: Last, but not least…we have a special guest who will be running our costume contest and talent competition in our new theater pavilion! The star of stage and screen, Damon Toon. He’ll be broadcasting our costume face-off and talent competition LIVE next week before our end of season dance.
SUSIE: Oh boy Ella! A pageant! Remember when Momma used to take us to pageants!
ELLA: Remember when we shoved Alice Lawton off the stage? Can you say compound fracture!
AMATA: Broadcast? Where exactly is he broadcasting to?
MARYANNE: 3 whole working TVs in Appalachia! Isn’t that exciting!
MARYANNE: To celebrate these few weeks of thrills in civic duty and good scouting, we’ll be tracking your progress on the wall chart over there that’s like a swell little board game! The faster and further along, the more prizes you get! I’m calling it The Legendary Grind in honor of scouting motto:
BRIAN: Forever Grinding!
CHAD: I’ve got that tattooed on my abs ladies. Don’t all line up at once.
BRIAN: Well that was the nifty news! Now for the Debbie downer news. Well it seems that our delightful Scoutmaster Stewart has been heavily damaged in some sort of attack.
RICHARD: I’m sorry what?
DAVID: Well now calm down Dick and let him explain.
RICHARD: Damn it I hate when you call me that.
BRIAN: Interrupting a superior is frowned and you’ll see proper polite protocols of interjection outlines in Chapter 18, section 12A of your Counselor Guidebook. Now it appears as though Scoutmaster Stewart was attacked and completely dismembered. Now I’ve been assured by the 5-0 New Responders that officers are looking into the matter, but we won’t let that incident spoil our summer fun right gang!
CHAD: Susie! Did you…
SUSIE: Nuh uh. Wasn’t me.
DAVEY: Whose parking the skids at the beach club big hoss?
BRIAN: I’m sorry what?
AMATA: He wants to know who is charge.
BRIAN: I am! And fear not! Under my guidance you’ll leave here with a full sash of merit badges and 1 of 3 different unique backpacks that I brought back from the afterlife! Now we’re going to quickly go around the room and introduce ourselves as the beautiful and intelligent MaryAnne here passes out your assignments. Let’s start with you…
DAVEY: Groovy! Name’s Davey, totally stokey to be crashing at these digs. If any of you grommets are looking to hit out on the lake to catch us some pearl off on some krakkers! I’m your dude!
PATSY: Like…he’s kind of cut…
AMATA: Yeah he is…
JAKE: Hey! Sitting right here!
BRIAN: Okay. Well whatever he said.
AMATA: He said he’s teaching surfing out on the lake if anyone wants to learn.
BRIAN: Ehm. Groovy. Tee hee! Now you.
AMATA: Amata Hayes…this will be my second year and…big shocker…I’m a lifeguard. You’ll see me reading in the lifeguard stand trying to ignore the yelling and rough housing. Try not to drown.
JAKE: Yeah I’m Jake, sarcastic dickhead and I’m apparently stage managing and doing…poetry readings? Are you kidding me?
BRIAN: Over there in the back please! You who just came in!
PRIEST: I am the flesh entity known as Solomon, High Priest to He Who Chews On Cardigans, the Great One Who Seeketh the Light. I shall be instructing you in the dark art of macaroni art and wallet making. I honestly have no idea why my light requested me here…
BRIAN: Okie dokie. And you?
MOOSE: Moose. I do Moose stuff. I’m coaching athletics.
PATSY: I’m Patsy and I’m apparently working in the kitchen? I’m sorry what? No! No fucking way!
CHAD: Button it. We’re all diggin’ in here.
SLICK WILLY: (Laugh) OL’ WILLY STRUCK GOLLDDDDD IN THEM THERE TITTY’S!
PATSY: You get anywhere near me you old weirdo and I’ll gut you like a fish.
SLICK WILLY: Ignatius Willard is the name. Your very single and ready to buck like a bronco chef whose barbecue is known all over these parts. I too have a tattoo like that Chuck dude over there, but Ol Willy’s is a tramp stamp from his time in Shanghai! WHOOOOOO WHEEEEEE.
LADY SIMPSON: I’m Nurse Simpson. So, if you kids get any bumps and bruises…you’ll come see me. If you are also interested in casually trying recreational drugs…you can come see me for that as well. We have all kinds.
DAVID: Sup! I’m David White, casual layabout, Filthy Casual about the Apocalypse…and this guy over here is my heterobrosexual life partner Richard…but whatever you do don’t call him Dick. He hates that.
RICHARD: Uhm…hi…I’m Williams…I mean Rich. Richard. I’m. Yeah.
DAVID: That was smooth buddy. Good for you. You’ll have the ladies swooning in no time. I’ll be manning the climbing wall and obstacle course. So bring Stimpaks because I’m not catching anyone if you fall. Git gud.
RICHARD: Yeah and I’ll teach…be teaching…knot tying and fire making skills. Great.
CHAD: Last but not least is Chad. I’ll be running athletics with my bro Moose here, but also will be running nightly campfires. Ladies can find me sunbathing in the buff on the beach from 1pm to 3pm. I also teach private lessons on row boating…
AMATA: Oh my God Chad…
BRIAN: Well that’s most everyone except some of female counselors who just finishing putting out pillows and blankets for all you kids. Oh! Mr. Thomas Mueller over at the Orchard Farm will be teaching some merit badges related to farming and agriculture. He umm…is busy, so he won’t be over here, but you’ll seeing lots of him in our off campground field trips! We’re still missing a few positions, but we’ll make do.
MARYANNE: Right ghoul scouts! Turn out! Head back to your assigned cabins and then meet in the campfire ring where you’ll head off for the afternoon with your counselors. Enjoy that grind!
SFX: CHAIRS SCRAP. MUMBLING. LAUGHING.
HAWKINS: Excuse me Brian, can I grab Jake and Amata?
BRIAN: Officer Hawkins! Why of course! I have a profound interest in law enforcement. In fact, I have 13 different merit badges in criminal justice including the very rare…
HAWKINS: Yeah that’s great. Jake? Amata?
SFX: WALKING TO OUTSIDE DECK.
JAKE: Look we’re not looking for trouble Hawkins.
HAWKINS: No, no. I’m not here for you. Look…I…I don’t know how to tell you this. But Lieutenant Commander Macklin radioed in. He found the body of Simon Rex out on the highway not far from the Red Sloe.
AMATA: Oh my God what?!
JAKE: Well…I mean he can just respawn. We’ve all been through this before.
HAWKINS: Yeah, but his head is missing.
AMATA: No…no, no no…we left him! The fucking bitch must’ve killed him just after we drove away!
HAWKINS: The Coroner has no idea what the hell is going on, but it looks like in these cases where the head is removed people don’t…come back or whatever the fuck happens to us. Sometimes it takes days, weeks or months. Sometimes not at all. Some of the victims she killed last year never came back at all. They never respawned.
JAKE: Well where is he?
HAWKINS: Commander Johns had the body moved to Doc C.J. Martin’s clinic for observation. He was worried the Judge would get wind of it and seize Rex’s body. Look we’re looking for…wherever she’s putting the heads. Maybe if we put his head back near his body…well…I dunno it’s the only theory we have at the moment.
JAKE: Thanks Hawkins. We’ll keep our eyes peeled.
HAWKINS: Have a good day.
JAKE: Amata? Amata? Say something…
AMATA: It happened all over again. The moment we get separated everything goes to shit. What if he doesn’t come back?
JAKE: You know Simon. He’s the most single track minded, obsessively focused person I’ve ever known. In the meanwhile…the least we can do is keep our eyes peeled. We can even start tonight. Every cabin, every building, every cave. She’s got to be lurking around here. If we find where she’s finding out. We find him.
AMATA: …okay. But in the meanwhile, we also need to find that key. I don’t even know where to begin.
JAKE: Come on…let’s get started with camp life. Yay.
SFX: WALKING DOWN STAIRS. CHILDREN LAUGHING…FADING. THUMPING FOOTSTEPS. BRUNCHES CRUNCHING. BLADE NOISE.
HAWKINS: Hawkins to base.
SFX: RADIO STATIC.
HAWKINS: Hawkins to base. Anders come back?
SFX: RADIO STATIC.
HAWKINS: For fuck’s sake. All this technology and it barely works half the time.
SFX: FOOTSTEP RAPIDLY APPROACH HIM.
HAWKINS: Hey who’s….oh shit! Hold it right there!
SFX: STRUGGLE. WET PLUNGE OF BLADE.
SFX: BLADE SLICES THROUGH AIR. HEAD LOBBED OFF. BODY FALLS.
SFX: DRAGGING NOISE REEDING INTO DISTANCE. CHILDREN CONTINUE LAUGHING AND SPLASHING IN THE WATER.
SCENE 18: INT. CABIN.
SCOUT 1 (VO): Dear Mom and Dad…it’s been a few days at camp, so I’m writing you a letter to tell you about all the swell stuff we’ve been doing here at camp. I’ll send this home through a Mr. Messenger…so you should get it sometime next month. Anyway, we’ve been learning lots of new things. I have a cool counselor named Chad who taught me to spit 5 feet and how to pitch in baseball. He said I have a mean curveball. I’ve made lots of friends and each night we perform little skits around the campfire. Sometimes Chad or Moose will tell us scary stories. Like the one about the haunted coed or the one about the devil woman who wanted to go steady. Anyway. Talk soon!
SCOUT 2 (VO): Hey Dad! It’s been a week here at camp and I’m actually have a great time. My lady counselor Patsy is real neat. She likes skincare just like me! We stole some ingredients from the kitchen and had to run away from this old pervert. She taught me how to do my hair and nails and we’ve been making our own hair and skin stuff! She said since my skin already sucked I’d be a great helper. So we tested it on me and guess what my eyebrows grew back! We put some toxic goo in it and that did the trick. My eyebrows are still growing…we have to cut them again tonight. But this place is fun. The counselors must not be having a lot of fun like the cool ones. We had a bunch…but some of them must’ve just quit. Oh! Tonight we’re going to make S’Mores and Counselor bot Nia is going to tell us a scary story. Patsy and I are going to try our new bug spray by the fire. Kay I love you byeeeeee!
SCENE 19: EXT. LAKE SHORE.
SUSIE: (Humming) Isn’t this fun Mr. Punch?
PUNCH: What we build? Punch shovel dip for long time now.
SUSIE: It’s a sand castle silly! Haven’t you ever built a sand castle?
PUNCH: Uhhhhhhh no! Punch no build. Sa…sand couple. Punch hot. Want ice cold milk stuff again.
SUSIE: Oh that’s ice cream! Isn’t it nummy?
ELLA: Does someone want to put sun tan lotion on my fanny? Tee hee! I’m cookin’ like a ham!
SUSIE: Here’s some sunglasses Ella. Here, you can sit on the little throne in the castle while Punch and I make the dungeon.
ELLA: I was born to sit on the throne! Tee hee!
PUNCH: Little friend sad?
SUSIE: Huh? I’m not sad! We’re having fun.
PUNCH: Punch watch little friend all time. Punch see laugh and then see quiet cry when no one sees. When little friend hides from meatbag eyes.
SUSIE: Oh. I…I don’t know.
PUNCH: Not have fun at ca….ca…camp place? Lots of little meatbag to play and make loud running noises.
SUSIE: Mmm…no. They don’t really like me and Ella. That bitch Becky was telling tales about us. So now the other kids won’t play with us.
PUNCH: Want Punch beat Bucky head in with shovel? Make sticky quiet?
SUSIE: No. We’d get in a lot of trouble. Sometimes….sometimes I wish I was older. Like the big kids, or even dumb fatsy. All I’ll ever be is a dumb little girl.
PUNCH: PUNCH: Punch not like when little friend sad.
SUSIE: Ella and I were lonely for a longtime. First it was lots of fun…because without a Mommy and Daddy we could play all day and all night! We had lots of fun playing tricks on those police and fire people.
ELLA: Playing with all the teddy bears was lots of fun! Tee hee!
SUSIE: That’s right Ella! We would make little fun plays with teddy bears we found…like we were on a cooking show, or at the doctor’s office. But then it got quiet. Even the police and the soldiers all went away. Then it was just us. No Mommy or Daddy…or even a little sister.
PUNCH: You have Punch and Chode now. Chode new Duddy.
SUSIE: That’s true. He is I guess. I just wish people liked me.
PUNCH: You have Punch now. Punch love friend. Punch give soft hug.
SUSIE: (Sniffling) Let’s finish our dungeon Mr. Punch.
PUNCH: Punch dig more? How many deep hole?
SUSIE: Uhhmmm…5 or 6 feet.
ELLA: Bare minimum to bury Becky alive! Let’s see you dig your way out of that hole. Tee hee!
And the worms crawl in, the worms crawl out
They crawl all over your dirty snout
Your chest caves in and your eyes pop out
And your brain turns to sauerkraut
SFX: SINGING FADES AS SHOVELING CONTINUES.
MOOSE: Ohhh man…say what you want but there’s nothing like catching some rays.
PATSY: I totally don’t know how you go be so lucky go happy all the time. Aren’t we supposed to be teaching axe throwing or some lame thing?
MOOSE: Nah. I think that poindexter Brian wanted us to teach milking or some damned thing. I told him, look nerd, I only grab one teet and it’s not on some two headed cow.
PATSY: You two have been having a blast out there. Me? I’m stuck in the kitchen with that old pervert Slick Willy. You tried to get me to let him take a picture up my skirt for a merit badge. As IF! Isn’t anyone worried that the camp stuff has been disappearing? Like jeepers creepers Christ I fucking hate it here.
MOOSE: Aww…it’s a nice break. Outdoors and stuff. Punch and I have been teaching the curtain climbers how to hunt. You should’ve seen them run screaming when he first popped out of his camp in the swamp.
PATSY: Whatever. I’m flipping over. Would you put more cooking oil on my back? The last thing I want is to look like I’m half baked.
CHAD: MOOSE! Bro! The Manfredi Twins scored some giggle weed! We’re gonna go smoke it in the old Indian Burial Ground where nothing bad ever happens!
MOOSE: Ohhhhh dude! SCORE!
PATSY: Like don’t EVEN think of it!
MOOSE: Ohhh come on Pats!
CHAD: Yeah, don’t be a lame-o Pats. Let’s go. If I have to teach one more fucking merit badge I’m gonna lose it. They bought some of the good stuff off that surfer dude. Come on! They’re gonna do jumpin’ jacks in wet t-shirts while we toke it up! It’s like watching watermelons roll around in a blanket.
PATSY: Maybe we can like gank them and bury them out back.
CHAD: You get some sand in your coin purse? What’s your beef? You’ve been bitchin’ for a month now.
PATSY: Gee, I don’t know. We could fucking OWN the Wasteland like we owned the Vault. Instead we’re playing all straight edge at a SCOUT CAMP and you went from being the King of the Vault to playing nurse maid to some totally fucked up brat.
CHAD: (Absolutely furious) HEY! Don’t you ever…and I mean fucking ever call her that again. What the hell happened to you?
PATSY: Me? What happened to you? You’re a total joke now…everyone sees it. We’re miserable. We’re BORED. This is BORING. Right Moose?
MOOSE: Uhhh…look Pats…
PATSY: Well say something or are you are becoming a poosy too? (Pause) Really? (Pause) Nothing? Good to know.
CHAD: Come on dude. Why don’t you pop come more chems Pats? You’ve turned into a fucking drug store.
SFX: WALKING AWAY.
PATSY: FINE MOOSE! Fuck you too! I’m sick of this crap.
SFX: SPLASHING. SWIMMING UP.
DAVEY: Hey hey Big P. What all the noise and friction?
PATSY: Oh…like hey Davey. Love your trunks.
DAVEY: Thanks Dolly! Brought these baggies all the way from Virginia Beach! Where’d your bodyboarder go?
PATSY: Oh he…oh it doesn’t matter.
DAVEY: You look like you just bit your board and wiped out on the pier. Grab a funboard and I’ll teach you some turns. Built a sweet wave-o machine-o! You never hit the waves?
PATSY: I tried to water ski once but I couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
DAVEY: (Laughs) Crawl up off the sand hot mama, let’s slap the surf! You can ride my board…
PATSY: Like…I just might! (Patsy giggles)
SFX: SPLASHING. SWIMMING. CLOMPING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH. STOP. THEN WALK AWAY.
SCENE 20: EXT. ORCHARD - DAY
SFX: CHILDREN LAUGHING.
THOMAS: …careful there on the ladder kids…careful! Now remember…you want to pick the ripe ones!
BECKY GHOUL: Mr. Mueller, I’m not sure what apple to look for.
SUSIE: Hey Becky! Want some applesauce?
BECKY GHOUL: What?
SFX: APPLE SPLAT
BECKY GHOUL: Owww! You hit me that gross rotten apple!
ELLA: Hole in one! Let’s throw someone in the cider press! WHEEEEE!
THOMAS: That’s enough of that Susie Davis please!
SUSIE: Sorrrrrryyyy Missterrrr Muelllerrrrr.
THOMAS: Well remember that apples ripen from the outside of the tree towards the trunk. If you’re not sure of the ripeness, look for apples that are furthest from the bottom. So, you want to carefully use a ladder. But look for ones that have a nice, even color, that are firm and have no nicks or bruises, okay?
BECKY GHOUL: Okay Mr. Mueller. Thank you.
SUSIE: Do you have a favorite apple Mr. Mueller?
THOMAS: Now that’s a good question…a very good question. Come over here, I want to introduce you to someone very special. Jethro! Stop nippin’ at that kid and git over here!
ELLA: Like Chad always says, keep suckin’ till the job is done Jethro! Tee hee!
THOMAS: There. Susie, meet “Goldie”. Now she is something very, very special. It’s a miracle she survived the great war…but she’s a hardy old gal.
SUSIE: What’s so special about her?
THOMAS: My ancestor Thomas Grimes was an orchard man himself and he created what is probably the best frying apple ever. The Grimes Golden Apple. From this tree was born the Golden Delicious Apple and that became our state apple way back in 1995. She’s my pride and joy.
SUSIE: Ohhhh! Is it nummy?
THOMAS: You betcha! Here…have one.
SUSIE: Mmmm…its sticky yummy Ella.
THOMAS: You know once upon a time there were somewhere between 1000 to 1600 different kinds of apples grown here in Appalachia after apple trees were brought over from Europe. Now…and after the Great War…these trees are all that’s left of the heirlooms…the originals.
SUSIE: Oh I love them! I remember when Mommy and Daddy used to take Ella and me on some hayrides and for candy apples…and corn mazes at the farms. But that was so long ago now. Hey! I remember now! Over there! The hay ride was over there!
SUSIE: Yes! A haunted hayride every year! A nice man used to take Ella and me. Was that your Daddy?
THOMAS: Yes. Yes indeed! Daddy loved his hayrides. Every year. Hey…speaking of caramel apples, let’s round everyone up and have some…how about that?
SFX: TRACTOR NOISE TURNING OVER.
THOMAS: What in tarnation! Hey! Get off there!
SFX: TRACTOR SPEEDS TOWARDS THEM.
BECKY GHOUL: Beep beep! Hey Susie! Eat TRACTOR! (Laughing maniacally)
THOMAS: BECKY! Get off there!
ELLA: Donde una dante! Donde una dante! KLATA VITAS! Tee hee!
SFX: TRACTOR SHORT CIRCUITS.
THOMAS: Look out! It’s veered off!
SUSIE: Ella! What did you do!
ELLA: I’m getting stronger! Tee hee!
SFX: TRACTOR CRASH. TREE BREAKS AND TOPPLES.
THOMAS: GOLDIE! What did you do? Oh what did you do???
BECKY GHOUL: Owww….my he ad….
SUSIE: You’ll be FINE Becky, it’s empty anyway.
THOMAS: BECKY WATTS! Go inside and wait from Brian to pick you up.
BECKY GHOUL: Ohhh man. Yes sir.
SUSIE: Ummm…I’m sorry about Goldie Mr. Mueller.
THOMAS: …everything has a season Susie. Sometimes dead wood needs to be removed for the tree to flourish. It…it is what it is. But apple trees, like people are sturdy stock. She has strong roots…like me. She’ll come back. She’ll flourish.
ELLA: I would be hella mad. TEE HEE!
THOMAS: Come on…let’s get everyone together. We have things to finish.
SFX: AMBIANCE FADES. PENCIL WRITING IS HEARD.
SCOUT 1 (VO): Me again Mom. The time has really flown by here, but do you think you could pick me up early? I hope you get this. Things have gotten real weird here. We lost a lot of the counselors…like they just took off or something. Counselor Amata and Counselor Jake had a big fight with Scoutmaster Brian the other day about something. He’s kind of an asshole. There’s lot of police around here. They are real nice, but one of them got real mad when Billy and I were spying on them down by the lake. They must’ve been fishing or something because they pulled up something real big I couldn’t see. I didn’t think we had fish in the lake! Well…I have to go. We’re getting ready for our big costume competition and talent show tonight! Will you be watching on TV? I hope so. Maybe you can bring me home tomorrow? I hope you get this. Love…Willy.
SCOUT 2 (VO): Hello Father! I made a fun friend named Susie. She has this neat doll named Ella that talks and we go on adventures! There’s this mean girl named Becky that hurt Ella last year, she has been really mean to Susie. She put a possum in her bed…and frogs in her cereal. So Susie and I have been getting her back. Ella has lots of ideas! We replaced her soap with Firestarter blocks and then chased her with matches.
SCENE 21: EXT. STAGE AREA – DAY
SFX: CHILDREN LAUGHING.
DAMON: WATER! Someone get me water!
MARYANNE: Well here you go Mr. Toon, may I say this is a real pleasure.
DAMON: Well it should be. If I had seen what this god forsaken place looked like, I would’ve made alternate arrangements. But it’ll do.
BRIAN: Our scouts went above and beyond Mr. Toon and have erected a timber frame stage in the classic structure. This particular stage type is a textbook proscenium stage that is characterized by a deep and gently slope that rises away from the audience. Note the tradition apron in front with parquee flooring also known as the forestage. Did you know that…
DAMON: Will someone shut this fucking guy up? Drolshanka! Where’s my green room? I got molerat shit on my shoes! We go live in 2 minutes people!
SFX: WALKS AWAY.
BRIAN: We sure do have a real roster of talent tonight MaryAnne belts! Including our own little Becky who will be doing a little tap dancing number to a classic tune. We have have some counselors getting in on the excitement! How thrilling!
MARYANNE: Right you are Brian! These past few weeks have been a spectacular exercise in good citizenship. In fact, I feel more confident in the blossoming relationship you and I have formed.
BRIAN: I feel the very same MaryAnne.
MARYANNE: I also think that we are at the stage where we can proceed to mid base.
BRIAN: Mid base?
MARYANNE: Yes. As I am a chaste individual, licking my hand while I recite French poetry is an appropriate activity that doesn’t result in messy naughtiness.
BRIAN: Oh MaryAnne you vixen! You wrinkle my freshly pressed underwear.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS RAPIDLY APPROACH.
JAKE: Amata! Amata wait up!
AMATA: We don’t have time. We are it. There’s no one else. The few counselors that are here are it. Everyone is missing and likely dead.
JAKE: Well what are we supposed to do? It’s been almost 2 weeks of nothing. No leads nothing.
AMATA: I’m not waiting here to be picked off by her.
JAKE: So what do we do?
AMATA: Let’s go over to the Mueller farm and use his ham radio. His still works. We need help, so it’s time to call in the Judge.
JAKE: Are you sure that’s a good idea?
AMATA: We don’t have a choice.
JAKE: Okay…but let’s swing by the cabin to arm ourselves first.
AMATA: I planned on it.
DAMON: Here we go folks! PLACES! Hey! You little brat! Get off the camera! Go find a swingset or something. Christ. DROLSHANKA! Where’s my microphone! Where’s that radio guy running the camera?
HUGO: I’m here…upstart snotty TV douchebag…
DAMON: What was that? I can’ t hear you over all that static and dead air from your radio station.
HUGO: …hate you. Get ready. Satellite acquired. Going line in 5…4….3….2…..
MEDIA: TOONIVERSAL THEME SONG
CHARLES: People of Appalachia, tonight we’re airing dazzling acts of dancing, costumed creeps and musical musings LIVE from Camp Wannagrindalot. Grab some popcorn, clean those 3D glasses and cuddle close on that fungus covered sofa…this is the Tooniversal Star Search! Tonight’s episode is sponsored by the Aristocracy. Are you Appalachia Royalty? Find out and join the elite…cannibals welcome. And now your host…DAMON TOON!
SFX: FAKE CLAPPING.
DAMON: Good evening Toonheads and welcome to the 15th Tooniversal Star Search! Tonight we have a complete line of the Crystal Lake regions brightest stars who will competing for a treasure chest of 5,000 caps! Will a little lady tap dance her way into our hearts? Will a strapping fella shock us with feats of strength! Let’s find out now!
SFX: FAKE CLAPPING.
DAMON: First up is charming Little Ghoul Scout Logan LeClair who will performing stand up comedy with some of his own original content! Let’s see what fashion he’s rocking. Welp…looks like it’s a cat mascot head on a cowboy outfit with chaps. A catboy? Cowcat? Amazing! We love it! Take it away Logan!
GHOUL #1: Thank you! Thank you! Wow…what a warm night! Man it’s been quite the few weeks here at camp. We’ve been meeting all sorts of wildlife. Hey…what do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
SFX: DRUM HIT. CRICKETS.
GHOUL #1: Tough crowd! Hey it’s okay. “winning isn’t everything!” That’s always inscribed on every 2nd place trophy.
SFX DRUM HIT. CRICKETS. SOMEONE COUGHS.
GHOUL #1: You guys miss pizza? Oh man I miss pizza. But it’s okay..we can still make it. The best post-war pizza? Extra cheese but hold the mushroom cloud!
SFX DRUM HIT.
CHAD: Get off the stage you little loser!
DAMON: Wow that was kind of awful kid. Drolshanka? Yeah that gets a Zero. A solid Zero from our judges. But you have a great future as a feral.
GHOUL #1: (Mumbling) Eat your face off I will….
DAMON: Well Toonheads at home, one awful star has fallen from the heaven. Up next is Davey, a self-described surfer ghoul who is coming out here with 2 Eyebots that he’s tinkered with to form a zany band! This surfer bro is rocking a pumpkin suit with matching shorts and mullet trucker hat. Getting some surfing Halloween vibes here folks. GIVE a big Tooniversal Star Search welcome to Davey and Electros!
DAVEY: What’s happenin’ cats! LET ME HEAR IT APPALACHIA!
PATSY: Oh my god…like he’s a total dream boat…
DAVEY: I said LET ME HEARRRRR ITTTTT CATSSSS!
SFX: LOUDER CHEERING.
DAVEY: A 1…2…1…2…3…4!
MEDIA: WEIRD ELECTRO SONG.
SURF NERDS! LAND NERDS! EVERYBODY’S A NERD!
LOOK AT MR. ROBOT! HE’S A NERDDD!
LOOK OUT FOR THOSE NERDS!
DAVEY SURFS FROM…NERDS!
CHAD: What is this shit? Get off the stage you weird asshole!
SFX: ELECTRICAL SHORT. EYEBOT STARTS SHOOTING.
DAVEY: Hit the deck cats! My Eyebro’s gone zonko!
DAMON: Amateur hour! DROLSHANKA!
SFX: LASER BLASTS. EXPLOSIONS.
DAMON: Nice shot! Clear the stage. I have no idea what that was, but that wasn’t music. Judges? Yeah they give you -5…and one of them said he’ll see you in hell.
DAVEY: Oh man….
DAMON: Up next we have…uhhh…a bit of an old hat here. Mr. Ignatius Willard who will be doing what he calls the Ping Pong Trick that he’ll be doing to a harmonica number.
SLICK WILLY: (Laughs) HEH HEHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I’ve got a whole bucket full. Nurse Simpson! I see you back there. This one’s for you girl!
LADY SIMPSON: WILLARD! Get off that stage right now!
SLICK WILLY: Hold tight folks! You’ve never seen hangers like these. Ol’ Willy lost his ball bearing to the Red Chinese. Docs replaced them with softballs.
SFX: ZIPPER. 2 THUDs ONSTAGE. PEOPLE SCREAM.
SFX: HARMONICA START PLAYING. PING PONG BOUNCE NOISE.
DAMON: (Angry) DROLSSHANNKAAAAAAAA!
SCENE 22: EXT. MUELLER FARM. NIGHT.
SFX: HAM RADIO STATIC.
AMATA: …repeat. Despite 5-0 New Responders here, we now have 15 people missing. We need help.
THE JUDGE: Yeah, I heard you the first time. Where is Officer Hawkins?
AMATA: We haven’t seen him in a week. Just Commander Johns lurking around with Hugo Warren. They fished a body out of the lake but I don’t know who that was.
THE JUDGE: Fucking amateurs. I’m mobilizing the Judiciary Guard and coming down there with Fletcher. Pack you bags and tell that poindexter Brian to shut it down. Camping season is over. We’re going to form a perimeter with heavy artillery and set up checkpoints to allow people out and then nuke the whole area. Let’s see the Overseer survive that. I’m done playing around.
AMATA: Wait, what? NUKE IT? You’ll destroy the whole campground.
THE JUDGE: That’s the point lady. AMS Tower facility out.
AMATA: FUCK! This is bad.
JAKE: If he nukes the place how the hell are we going to find any key at all?
SFX: RADIO TUNING.
AMATA: Amata Hayes to 5-0 New Responders. Please respond. This is an emergency.
AMATA: We’re out at Camp Wannagrindalot…well…the Mueller Farm. We have 15 people missing now. We…we reported it to the Judge.
AMATA: Look…he’s….he’s going to drop a nuke on the camp.
AMATA: We’re going to try and get the kids out as quickly as possible, but that doesn’t leave a lot of wiggle room.
AMATA: From Morgantown? You’ll never make it in time.
SFX: RADIO STATIC.
JAKE: Well. Now we wait.
SFX: GUST OF WIND. DOOR SLAMS OPEN.
AMATA: AH! Jesus! Scared me…
JAKE: Hey…what’s that noise?
AMATA: Must be the cider press or the fertilizer machines.
JAKE: No…hear that? Sounds like…moaning…
AMATA: That’s weird…oh God what is that smell?
JAKE: There’s a hallway here, but no light…watch your step…
SFX: CREAKY BOARDS. MOANING IS HEARD. MACHINERY.
AMATA: There’s a locked door here. Hang on….I can pick it.
SFX: LOCKPICK NOISE. DOOR UNLOCKS. OPENS.
JAKE: Oh my God…
AMATA: Jesus! Oh Jesus!
JAKE: The cider presses…that’s….oh my god those are bodies….what is this? Oh I’m going to be sick. Look! Back there…
AMATA: Those…are…oh god…those are heads on the shelf. Like…trophies. Oh my God! That’s Hawkins!
JAKE: And everyone else from camp…
SFX: MOANING TO SIDE.
AMATA: Over here! Tied to some chairs….let’s get these sacks off.
SFX: ROPE NOISES. MOANING. BAG NOISE.
JAKE: It’s the Overseer!
AMATA: And Vince!
JAKE: They’re all cut up…get the gag out!
VINCE: Oh thank God! Jake! Amata! I’ve never been so glad to see anyone.
OVERSEER: He’s crazy! He’s fucking crazy! We have to get out of here! Hurry!
AMATA: Mueller did this?
OVERSEER: Yes. A Mr. Handy and old friend Davenport executed a plan I put in place. He blew out the security grid so I could get away. I came around a corner and there he was coming out of the evidence room. Before I had a chance to react he knocked me out. When I came to, I was here…
VINCE: Yeah…song of a bitch got me too. Untie my legs…come on…through here, there’s a back way out of here.
SFX: DOOR OPENED.
AMATA: Wait a minute…Jake look at this…there are files here.
VINCE: Those are from the campground. He was ranting that Scoutmaster Stewart was meddling in things that didn’t concern him and that he’d have to go.
OVERSEER: NO. WE HAVE TO GO!
AMATA: Not yet…we need answers. We need information.
OVERSEER: Fine. You stay. I’m done. I am NOT going back to prison. Vince?
VINCE: (Sighs) Fine. But we’re going to that camp first and don’t give me any of your crap. There are kids involved. We’re going to fix past fuck-ups by getting them out. And don’t give me any of your shit either…you set this all in motion last year.
AMATA: We need to hurry. The Judge is going to be dropping a nuke. By the time he gets to a silo…we have maybe…an hour?
OVERSEER: He what??? (Sighs) Fine Vince. Fine. Let’s go. I have a cache near here with weapons.
VINCE: So do I.
JAKE: What is all this?
AMATA: Camp records of the old campground. It looks like Mueller used to work there.
SFX: SHUFFLING PAPER.
AMATA: Here…wait…look at this photo.
JAKE: So, what?
AMATA: Back row, 2nd from left.
JAKE: Dr. Stanislaus Braun, Camp Patron. Holy shit…look here…a camp memo. To All Camp Staff, in honor of Dr. Braun’s generous contributions we are designating Cabin A13 as the Braun Lodge. Camp staff are additionally hereby notified that the Council has amended all contracts to include staff participation in Vault-Tec focus groups for the….the rest of the memo is missing.
AMATA: A13. That has to be it. The first key!
JAKE: Hey! Here’s some medical discharge papers. Oh shit…
AMATA: Patient record Miller, Victor Thomas. Trans-Alleghany Asylum. DOB: August 12th, 2015. Patient remanded to Vault-Tec Research, attending physician Dr. Stanislaus Braun. See: Project Lazarus Memo, Subject V101A. Approved by Dr. Kessle. September 17th, 2056. There’s a picture of…oh my God what?
JAKE: That’s Thomas Mueller! HE’s Victor Miller? That doesn’t make sense…he looks what 40? He’d be pressing 90.
SFX: DOOR SLAMMED. LOCKED. BLADE NOISE.
THOMAS: They say 90 is the new 40 son. You know, in the old days when visitors would walk through the dark, dark wilderness with the wolves on their heels they would look desperately in the dark for a light. Just a small light. A candle in the window…a light in the dark that would welcome the traveler to warmth and safety. I had no candle lit. You just invite yourselves in and MEDDLE in my affairs. Like they all did…like they ALWAYS did. Like they did the night they started the fire.
AMATA: Jake! Back…why? Why start all of this again?
THOMAS: Because filth begets filth my dear. Because their laughing there never stops...they destroy, they fornicate, they multiply. They SPOIL MY LAND. Do you know what you do when a tree stops growing pure fruit? You PRUNE. You REAP. Like THEY reaped my wife and child when they thought it would funny to torch my corn maze. That FILTH from the campground.
SFX: SLASH. SMASHING.
THOMAS: I slept…for so long…in the dark…and then just last year…what do I hear again? Again on MY LAND? Laughing…and screaming…and MOANING. It called me back…the darkness filled me, moved me…and I rose. I REAPED one who remained after the cops shut the place down again who dared trespass on my land. You’re like blight and bugs on my trees…so I reap…and feed my soil with your filth…
JAKE: Soil. Filth. Whatever. I’m just handy with a knife.
SFX: SLASH. WET NOISE.
THOMAS: (Laughing maniacally) Such a small thing from a small man. You should’ve brought something bigger little man…you’ll feed the press…the cider will be so sweet…and I’ll have peace again….
AMATA: RUN! The window!
SFX: OBJECTS KNOCKED OVER. WINDOW SMASH. ROLL ON THE GROUND.
JAKE: Ah! Damn it…I sliced my ankle…
AMATA: Come on! He’s coming through.
THOMAS: On darkest nights, by light of moon
Your young life will end all too soon….
Out of the dark hunts the Sickleman! (Maniacal laughing)
SFX: RUMBLING NOISE. CAR HORN HONKING. SCREECHING TIRES. EXPLOSION AS VAN DRIVES THROUGH WALL.
JAKE: What the hell?
SFX: WINDOW ROLLS DOWN.
SIMON: Yeah yeah. Run over by a van was the Sickleman! Well what the hell are you two gawking at. Get in the fucking van! I’ve got him pinned here, but he’s not going to stay that way. If he’s what I think he is…he won’t stay down long.
JAKE: Where in the HELL have you been!
SIMON: Physically on a shelf back there. Metaphysically I’ve been doing a lot of shopping with ATOMS. I have about 18 fucking skins for Power Amor that I now own that I’m never going to use. It took me forever to get out of there and respawn. And even longer to find replacement tires for the van.
THOMAS: (Moaning in pain) Youuuu…I’ll KILL YOU AGAIN!
SIMON: Nice to see you again. I imagine we’ll be seeing you soon.
SFX: VAN SQUEELS AND REVERSES. WOOD CRASHES.
SFX: SHIFT GRIND. SQUEELS AND DRIVES AWAY.
SIMON: So…how goes it? You two look like shit. How’s the camp food been treating you?
AMATA: I am…we are…so glad to see you. How did you find us?
SIMON: Davey’s ham radio. I picked up your transmission to the Judge and the 5-0, but the transmitter is busted. I booked it over here and saw you guys come through the window. I imagine you two have been busy.
AMATA: We’ve been busy alright.
JAKE: We have A13…the first key!
SIMON: What? Really?!
AMATA: Yeah it’s cabin A13. Dr. Stanislaus Braun was a benefactor to the campground in the early days. In exchange for a financial donation, the Scout staff were enrolled in some kind of Vault-Tec research program. Victor Miller was part of a research project for…
SIMON: Project Lazarus. The Sickleman is an old, old legend. So, what if there was some kind of early research project, even before Vault 76 was finished to test some kind of resurrection device. What’s been done to us would have to be incredibly complex. We’re talking about the repair of critical damage to the body…from bleeding out to being reduced to a goo pile…or in my case….getting your head lobbed off and used to decorate a shelf along with some stupid trophies for “Best Apple” and “Spookiest Hay Ride”. What an asshole…
AMATA: Any program as complex as that would be a groundbreaking breakthrough in science and medicine. The end of death itself, if perfected would’ve turned the tide of the war dramatically. But they would’ve needed guinea pigs. People…volunteers or unwilling volunteers. Mental patients, prisoners…who knows how many they went through to perfect the method. Hey…wait a minute…how are you driving? Jake said something weird happened when you guys tried to even start this van last time. Nose bleeds, headaches and mental confusion.
SIMON: When I told you both that I felt like we lose a little bit of ourselves each time we die and come back…I meant it. Something is…different. It’s like there has been a mental fog I wasn’t even aware of that is starting to clear. That purgatory. I spent a lot of time there…almost 2 weeks is like years there…in the dark, surrounded and running from the Shadows of the Banned. But they whispered things to me. I opened a door that looked out into a void. The first time I looked into it with Vince I was terrified. We ran from it. The funny thing about monsters is that the more you look, the more you see them, the less power they have over you. I saw a face in that voice...sleeping, but listening, aware and watching. It was distorted, but as I looked…it came into focus, more in my mind than my eyes. I realized I had seen that face before. Dr. Stanislaus Braun. The moment I named him in my head he opened his eyes and looked right at me. That smug son of a bitch said to me wordlessly, “I’ll see you soon.” What the fuck does that mean?
JAKE: I’ll bet you all the caps in my pocket that Vault-Tec is monitoring us. But that would mean…TREE!
SFX: BRAKES SLAM, FISHTAILING. VAN CRASHES DOWN HILL INTO RAVINE. SMASHING GLASS.
SFX: CAR ENGINE TICKING NOISES. SIZZLING.
SIMON: Ah…son of a bitch….Amata! Jake! You okay? Wake up!
AMATA: Owww…damn it…Jake? Jake!
JAKE: Just 5 minutes Amata tell Brian to eat a dick.
AMATA: He’s fine…
SIMON: Davey’s going to be pissed. Come on…we’re running out of time. Camp is on the other side of these woods. Let’s hoof it.
SFX: DOORS OPEN.
JAKE: Owww….this ankle. Look, I’m going to be hobbling along here. You guys run ahead and get the kids packed up and out of here.
AMATA: What? That’s crazy? We’re not leaving you.
JAKE: There isn’t time to argue…you have to go! We’re protected by whatever the hell is wrong with us. Those ghoul kids aren’t. If they bite it…they die permanently. Think about that. GO!
AMATA: Be safe…but hurry behind us as best you can.
SIMON: Be safe. Stay aware okay? We’ll catch up at camp. Come on Amata. Time to make tracks.
SFX: SLOW WALKING.
JAKE: (Pained) Well done Jake. Real hero shit right there. Course now you’re all by yourself and the bone chilling terror sets in.
SFX: WALKING. NIGHTTIME AMBIANCE.
JAKE: In hindsight this was a really bad idea.
SFX: BRANCH CRACK.
JAKE: Oh hell no…
SFX: SYRINGE NOISE.
JAKE: Look buddy I’ve never been a fan of this creeping horror, branches cracking, slow stalking shit. So let’s get on with it.
SFX: CLOMPING FOOTSTEPS.
JAKE: That’s better. Nice sickle you have there. I’ve never been good with melee…but I’m pretty handy with a syringer.
SFX: SYRINGER SHOOTS.
JAKE: Feel that? That’s a Radscorpian Venom Syringe. Feel it? Burning in your veins…sit there and enjoy that for a minute…I’ll catch up with you later.
SFX: WALKING. NOISE SLICING THROUGH THE AIR.
SFX: BODY FALL.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS APPROACH. WET NOISE AS SICKLE PULLED OUT.
JAKE: Well…I should’ve seen this coming.
SFX: SLASHING. VIOLENT.
JAKE: (Screams to death rattle)
SFX: HEAVY FOOTSTEPS RECEEDE.
SCENE 23: EXT. STAGE AREA – NIGHT
SFX: CHILDREN LAUGHING.
DAMON: Ladies and gentleman we’ve had 2 stars RISE in the sky over Appalachia and a whole lot of shooting stars that crashed and burned. Coming right up we have…Drolshanka is this correct? Okay…well he declares himself to be a High Priest for a Mothy Overlord. On his bio sheet he appears to have drawn multiple lightbulbs and what appears to be a giant moth. Give it up for self-described bringer of light, Solomon, who appears to be wearing some kind of hand made out of drapes with antenna made of paper meche. What’s the concept kitten?
SOLOMON: I am a beguiling moth. I do moth things.
DAMON: Okay whatever. On you go!
SOLOMON: Good evening. After enduring the existential horror of teaching your irradiated, flesh peeling offspring for weeks, attempting to get every trace of glitter off my person and robes, and suffering through infantile creations on construction…I now am free to unleash my dark power on Appalachia to a captive audience. You…you observing from home, from ruins and the Whitespring, we have been condemned to a hellish landscape of suffering, fettered in the dark. But look! There is a light! Upon beated wing is a harbinger of doom and salvation.
MOOSE: Get off the stage you fucking weirdo!
CHAD: Yeah dude. Why beat wing when you beat off?
MOOSE: (Laughs) Good one bro!
SOLOMON: Chad Johnson…have you not looked into the fires and felt the power pulling you in?
CHAD: Bro, I got high as fuck with this dude and some giant moth once…but then they wanted to cuddle after or some shit with some lightbulbs.
SOLOMON: Have you not felt the flames whispering to you? That is the word of my lord! He who flails at the porch light, he who nests in cardigans. Heed my words, the end of this world…the true end draws near. Will you burn in the fires or will you ascend upon wing? People of Appalachia, please attend carefully: to the Northwest in Point Pleasant is a haven. Gather the bulbs, journey to our sanctuary and caress the polished posterior perfection of my lord’s idol.
DAMON: Okay that’s good. Judges? 2? Yeah you get a 2 because someone liked the glitter on your antenna.
SOLOMON: Fools! The dark doom approaches and the wheel of fate now turns. The blade and the reaping is beginning! REPENT!
DAMON: Get off the stage!
SOLOMON: Mothman in the sky! I can fly twice as high!
SFX: FLAPPING WINGS. SMASH TO STAGE. FLY OFF.
SOLOMON: Dooom! Dooooom awaits you!!!!
MARYANNE: Well that was something different. Was that a giant moth?
BRIAN: Cryptozoology is a pseudoscience and subculture that aims to prove the existence of entities from the folklore record, such as Bigfoot, the chupacabra, or the Goatsquatch. It was first posulated….
DAMON: SHUT UP BRIAN!
MOOSE: SHUT UP BRIAN!
CHAD: EAT A DICK BRIAN!
DAMON: Right….well up next, is Becky Watts, sporting a charming sequin dress and flats that dazzle! Plus…ohhhh bless her little ghoul heart she’s sporting a clip-on halo. This little angle has edge. Take it away sister!
BECKY GHOUL: Hello Appalachia! My name is Becky Watts and I’ll be spreading joy throughout the land! I’ve earned ALL merit badges, but my most favorite is the Pyrotechnic Juggling Merit Badge.
SFX: CROWD GASPS. FLAMES ARE HEARD.
MUSIC: DRAMATIC PLAYS.
DAMON: Oh ladies and gentlemen she is juggling 1….2……now 3 flaming baseballs! DO NOT try this at home! What is she doing now?
MUSIC: MOUTH HARP.
DAMON: She is playing a mouth harp! In all my years I have never seen such dynamic talent! Audience let’s hear it!
BRIAN: That’s my Becky!
CHAD: Hey! Sit down in front dickhead!
DAMON: Drolshanka let’s get the tallies from the….
SUSIE: Hey Becky! Juggle this!
SFX: SPLASH. BUCKET FALLS. HISSING NOISE.
BECKY GHOUL: (Screaming) Oh my God! Gross! What is this?
ELLA: Molerat lemonade bitch! Drink up!
DAMON: Ohhhhh…hold up judges! Hold up! Tough act, tough act. Unfortunately, you didn’t run out the clock Becky, so you are disqualified.
BECKY GHOUL: WHAT?!? This is ridiculous! SUSIE DAVIS dropped a bucket of piss on me!
DAMON: It’s the Apocalypse kid. Life’s a bitch. And with that, we’ll be right back ladies and gentlemen after a message from our sponsor.
HUGO: We’re clear. Cutting to commercial.
DAMON: DROLSHANKA! Where’s my water?
PATSY: I’m BORED.
MOOSE: Chill babe. The kid and Punch is up next.
PATSY: Let’s go skinny dipping!
MOOSE: Come on babe…we can do that after. They’ve been working hard on this.
PATSY: YOU haven’t been working HARD on anything Moose.
CHAD: Jesus H. Hockeytits what is this? Take your radio drama bullshit on out of here. I’m getting sick of hearing it.
PATSY: Fine. You know what…like screw the both of you. If you need me…I’ll be skinny dipping by myself and maybe doing some cartwheels. I’ll get more attention from some these virgin counselors than you guys.
MOOSE: (Sighs) What the actual hell bro?
CHAD: Hey. You don’t have to tell me buddy. I used to park the Chad bus in her pink garage. I feel your pain. Let her go blow off some steam. She’ll calm down and come pouting back.
HUGO: We’re coming back. 5 seconds… 3….2….
DAMON: Welcome back folks! We are still looking for our final round of stars for our grand prize. Perhaps we will find it with this act. It’s 2 for the price of 1, Susie Davis and her friend…ummm Punch. Is that right? Yes? Right. Punch! They’ll be doing a little tap dancing and singing number together to that classic ditty, “The Good Ship Lollipop!”
SUSIE: Hi! I’m Susie Davis and this is my friend Ella!
ELLA: Can’t we move this along to the inevitable mass murder spree? Tee hee!
DAMON: Isn’t that precious! Little Susie is wearing a classic swimsuit number with an attractive floral cap! It is as festive as it is fresh!
SUSIE: And this… (ahem) And this! (Pause) Come out Mr. Punch!
PUNCH: NO! Punch no like napkin. Stupid outfit not fit.
SUSIE: Come on Mr. Punch! Everyone’s waiting!
DAMON: Uhh…there appears to be a supermutant squeezed into a woman’s bathing suit that’s…splitting at the seams.
CHAD: Look at that big green ass bro! I’d hit it!
MOOSE: Get on out there and own it dude!
MEDIA: PIANO TUNE STARTS PLAYING
SUSIE: I've thrown away my toys, even my drum and train
I want to make some noise with real live aeroplanes
Some day I'm going to fly, I'll be a pilot, too
And when I do, how would you like to be my crew?
SFX: TAP DANCING
PUNCH: On dah good shit lolli poop!
It’s dah sweeeet birthday mountain mama!
Where meatbags play
On dah beaches of something bayyyyy!
SFX: EXPLOSION. LIGHTS AND MUSIC CUT.
HUGO: Shit. We’ve lost power.
DAMON: What? What the hell??! DROLSHANKAAAA!
BRIAN: Not to worry campers. Let’s cluster all over here by the nice campfire! Up and at em! Counselor Williams would you be so kind to check the generator building?
RICHARD: Me? What? I’m not going out there in the dark! Are you out of your mind!
BRIAN: Your resume and qualifications listed expertise in electrical energy and consumer fusion devices. I’ll leave this in your capable hands. Come along kids. Counselor Belts and myself will tell you the fascinating history of the Werewolf and Hollywood Actress Elizabeth Taylor!
DAVID: Come on buddy. I’ve got my pistol and some grenades. Bro buddy for life. You can take a look at that generator and then we can smoke some Counselor Davey’s “Ghoul Special”.
RICHARD: I just know this is going to end badly.
DAVID: Don’t be a candy ass Dick. It’ll be fine. We can play a game of kiss or slap.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS WALK AWAY.
SFX: WALKING IS HEARD.
DAVEY: Surf bunny you can’t let no piers wreck your tide. You get me?
PATSY: I’ve just had it with the both of them Davey. They can have their bromance and their bullshit show. Like when is it my time? You know? Like time for Patsy?
DAVEY: Cat you gotta stop looking at the sand and see the horizon! When I was just a barney, I didn’t known a long board from a bodyboard. I wiped out at every bomb. But you gotta keep paddling out, now I live to do hit the drop and ride the curl.
PATSY: Like you’re so smart Davey. You’ve been out there. You know what it’s like to be a real man.
DAVEY: What say we toss out a blanket, swig this chill vodka and buff that classy chassis?
PATSY: Oh really? (Giggle) Now THAT sounds like real fun.
SFX: BLANKET NOISE. SAND. BOTTLE CORK. CHUG.
PATSY: (Gag) BLaaaahhh…damn that burns. Want some?
DAVEY: Pass it here. This whitewater probably picked up some rads!
DAVEY: Hooooooo wipeout! Razz my berries!
PATSY: Like look at all the stars! I sometimes…like I sometimes wish I could just get the hell out of here. I’m so bored. I want to hit the road you know. You’ve totally got the rad life Davey. Just the roads…no rules…you just live in the moment. (Shivers)
DAVEY: You got the big chill surf bunny? Davey’s got heat for days. Shimmy over here.
PATSY: Davey…you’re just the coolest…does….does it hurt? Your skin?
DAVEY: Not any more. Cop a feel.
PATSY: It’s…it’s like it’s just the muscle you know? It feels…different. But like…good different…
DAVEY: What say we stop treadin’ water and get with the make out?
PATSY: I thought you’d never ask.
SFX: KISSING NOISE.
SFX: CLOMPING STEPS APPROACHING. STEADY.
PATSY: Mmmm…oh Davey!
DAVEY: This cool?
PATSY: Yes…just keep kissing…
PATSY: This…just…this….mmm…mmm AHHH D…DAVEY! SICKLEMAN! MOOSE! MOOSE!
DAVEY: WHOA! NO NO BRO! NO!
SFX: BLADE SLASH.
PATSY: (Screams and is cut off)
SFX: HEAD LOBBED OFF.
DAVEY: DUDE! DUDE! WIPEOUT! HELP! HELP! DUDE!
SFX: RUNNING AWAY. SLOW, CLOMPING FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE.
SFX: FADE IN MURMERING VOICES. ELECTRICAL SHORT CIRCUIT.
RICHARD: Damn it. Hold the light steady and stop smoking that thing for a second.
DAVID: (Long drag inhale, hold and cough laughing) You hurry it up. This kind of stuff is like your deal.
RICHARD: Well I mean the whole distribution system blew out. It’s almost like something was shoved in it and blew the relays.
DAVID: Hey. Come on….f/marry/kill with the camp staff.
RICHARD: You’re kidding me. I’m trying to focus here.
DAVID: Come on. I’ll tell you mine. You shamed of yours? You want a piece of that Amata or maybe you want to marry Slick Willy (laughing).
RICHARD: God damn it. Fine…uhhh…I’d ummm…marry Amata, so I’d have to kill Jake first
DAVID: Okay, okay…bookish type…probably an animal in the sheets. I can see that. And yeah Jake would totally have to be out of the picture. Okay, so who would slam your Fasnacht sausage into…
RICHARD: You’re so gross. (Mumbles) MaryAnne.
DAVID: What was that? (Long drag inhale)
DAVID: (Laugh coughing) WHAT???? Oh whaaatttt?
RICHARD: Yeah I got a thing for prim and proper types.
SFX: SCRATCH ALONG THE WALL. WHISPERING.
RICHARD: What was that?
SFX: SCRATCHING. WHISPERING.
RICHARD: That…here…something outside the shed. There’s a little peephole here. Hello?
DAVID: What do you see?
RICHARD: I don’t…
SFX: BLADE SOUND. WET SOUND.
DAVID: RICH! WHAT THE FUCK! OH WHAT THE FUCK!
SFX: RUN. PUNCH TO THE FACE. BODY FALLS.
DAVID: Ah! Damn it! Come on you son of a bitch!
SFX: CLOMPING FOOTSTEPS.
SFX: GUN CLICKING. OUT OF BULLETs.
DAVID: Oh fuck m….
SFX: BLADE SLASH.
SFX: BODY FALL.
SFX: STABBING VIOLENT HACKING.
SFX: PAUSE AND THEN HEAVY FOOTSTEPS MOVE AWAY.
SFX: LAKE AMBIANCE SLOW FADE OUT.
SFX: ARGUING FADING IN.
HUGO: Well look buddy, you don’t have to be an asshole about it. WE ARE’T COMPETING HERE. I volunteered!
DAMON: Well I mean you’re such an expert with radio you probably hooked the camera up wrong and blew the generator. Do you know how much work goes into these broadcasts?
HUGO: I run a radio station you snobby drama queen!
DAMON: DROLSHANKAAAAAA! BRING MY DEATHCLAW GAUNTLET!
HUGO: You want to go Toonface? I can throw down…you broadcast to what? 3 working TVs in Appalachia? Ooooohhhh big audience!
DAMON: That’s it. On this episode of Tooniversal Star Search I beat YOUR ass!
HUGO: Less talk. More punching.
SFX: FIGHTING BRAWL.
DAMON: Not the face! Not all of us have one for radio!
HUGO: Your fashion sense sucks!!
SFX: PUNCH KICKING.
DAMON: You take that back!
SFX: HEAVY FOOTSTEPS. SLASHING NOISE. BODY FALLS.
DAMON: What the hell! DROLSHANKA!!!!! NOOO!!!! You want some too fella? I’m not afraid of overalls and a sack hood! Let’s go!
SFX: STABBING NOISE.
DAMON: (Scream. Death rattle)
SFX: BODY FALLS.
HUGO: You. You’re the real deal aren’t you…it’s the height. It takes a good reporter to know when to investigate…and when to run!
SFX: RUNNING AWAY.
SFX: CLOMPING FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE.
SFX: CAMPFIRE AMBIANCE FADE IN.
BRIAN: ….so of all the bizarre hair conditions, hypertrichosis (also called Ambras syndrome) is the most bizarre and shocking. A genetic disorder that still continues to this day, those born with the condition suffer with an abnormal amount of hair growth over the entire body. It is believed that extensive cases of hypertrichosis, also known as werewolf syndrome, were the origin of stories of the mythical werewolf.
CHAD: Hey when the moon comes out I grab some hair of the dog and let my wolf out. (Howl)
MOOSE: NICE ONE BRO!
SFX: HIGH FIVE.
SLICK WILLY: Hear that Nurse Simpson? Even the Dog Faced Boy found sweet love. You ever love a man with just two teeth? You should see whistle if you know what I mean HEEEE HEYYYYYYY!
SIMPSON: Mr. Williard you’re a cad…but you’re growing on me like radworms…
PUNCH: Punch no have hair.
SUSIE: That’s okay Mr. Punch. If you were all hairy that we couldn’t see your nice green color. Ella and I like it. You’re different like me.
DAVEY: 23 SKIDOO BRO! BEAT FEET! PATSY WIPED OUT DUDE!
MOOSE: What? What about Patsy dude? Slow down.
ELLA: Is it too late to make p opcorn? Shit’s goin’ down! WHEEEEEE!
DAVEY: DEAD! BRO! ON THE ROCKS! Dude with a blade hit her harder than the rocks at the jetty!
MOOSE: What? PATSY! PATSY!
CHAD: Shit…hold up bro. Wait!
MOOSE: No! Son of a bitch killed her! I’m rip his fucking jaw out!
CHAD: Damn it Moose, come back!
PUNCH: Where Moose go?
SUSIE: Remember when we pushed Patsy down the well?
ELLA: That was lots of fun! Let’s all split up and get picked off one by one by the killer! Tee hee!
BRIAN: Is there some kind of trouble?
CHAD: Trouble? Patsy just got offed by the Sickleman you goober.
BRIAN: Oh that nonsense again. Foniasophobia is the fear of murderers or serial killers, or of being murdered. This fear is usually triggered after hearing news that somebody got murdered or of hearing a person…
SFX: PUNCH. BODY FALL.
BECKY GHOUL: HEY! You can’t do that!
SUSIE: Shut up BECKY.
MARYANNE: CHAD JOHNSON! How DARE you! You struck your Scoutmaster! You are FIRED mister!
CHAD: Whatever lady. I already cleaned out your safe. After getting stiffed last year on pay you owe me.
SFX: MISSLES AND EXPLOSIONS.
MOOSE: (Screams in distance)
CHAD: MOOSE! Fuck….damn it…look here you stuck up booktwit, you and Slick Willy here drag Brian’s ass into the tool shed over there. Get him in that wheelbarrow, take the kids, that Becky and you head for the road. The flatfoots do a regular patrol. Grab a cop and get out of here. Beat feet though!---
SLICK WILLY: Let’s go puddin’! Grab an arm!
MARYANNE: All of this is very unscoutlike!
DAVEY: You know what? Davey’s hittin’ the horizon. I’m out!
LADY SIMPSON: Wait for me Mr. Willard…I don’t like the look of that black eye…
SLICK WILLY: Stay right behind me m’dear and don’t you mind the smell. It’s just Musk O’Willard! HOOOOOO WHEEEE!
CHAD: Okay kids…follow them okay, stay single file and stay calm. Double time!
SCOUT #1: This camp sucks.
SCOUT #2: It’s really gone downhill. Next year we should just go to the Whitespring.
SFX: DRAGGING NOISES.
PUNCH: Chode what happen to Moose friend?
CHAD: He…uhh…I dunno dude.
SUSIE: Chad? Are you upset?
CHAD: It’s fine kid. We’re okay. Look you stay close to me okay? It’s important.
SFX: RAPID GUNFIRE. EXPLOSIONS.
CHAD: Shit. Come on kid, we’re going to inside the main lodge here and button ‘er down okay?
SUSIE: Oh! Can we make a fire!
CHAD: Sure…you can do that while I shut up the place. Okay?
SFX: WALKING. STEPS.
SFX: SCREAMING IN DISTANCE. MORE GUNSHOTS.
ELLA: Sure sex is great, but you ever watched a bloodbath? Tee hee!
SUSIE: Mr. Punch maybe we can play some board games! Remember that Commie one!
PUNCH: Punch no want to be red again.
CHAD: Punch…come here dude.
PUNCH: Chode want red?
CHAD: No. Look dude. This is serious shit here tonight okay? If anything happens to me you protect her okay? You grab her…drag her if you have to and you get her the hell out of here. Don’t stop for nothing. If those cops or that Judge sees you they’re going to open fire first and ask questions later.
PUNCH: Punch keep friend safe.
CHAD: Promise me.
PUNCH: Punch promise.
CHAD: If something happens we’ll meet back at our old campsite okay? We’ll all come back…eventually or something. Here…
SFX: CABINET OPENED.
CHAD: That old Slick Willy kept some guns and ammo under here in case anyone came back for second helpings of his slop.
FLETCHER: Hey! Help! Help!
SFX: GUN LOADED.
CHAD: Hold it!
FLETCHER: It’s Fletcher! District Attorney Fletcher! That lady is a psycho! She just slaughtered the Judiciary Guard.
CHAD: In and keep your mouth shut.
FLETCHER: Wait…you’re….you’re Chad Johnson. You’re a wanted felon!
CHAD: Well whoop de fuckin’ doo! What happened out there?
FLETCHER: It was complete chaos. I’ve never seen anything move that fast. She was weaving around us slashing and in the panic there was too much friendly fire. I got separated from the judge. I’m just an attorney! Whoever heard of an attorney that does field work!?!
SUSIE: Hi! I’m Susie and this is Ella.
ELLA: The only good attorney is a dead one! Tee hee! TICKLE MY FANNY!
PUNCH: Yuck. Meatbag smell like scaredy sweat. Punch smash head to jelly.
FLETCHER: Is…is that a supermutant!?
SFX: GUN LOADED.
CHAD: PUT IT DOWN before I blow your porn moustache out the back of your head.
FLETCHER: You can’t tell me what to do. Who the FUCK do you think you are?
CHAD: I’m not asking again…
FLETCHER: Okay son…okay…look we need to get out of here. We best be circling around out the back. Silo Alpha is in final preparations. Is….is that him?
SFX: RUN. SCUFFLE.
FLETCHER: Now….YOU hold it right there…
CHAD: You don’t want to do that dude…
FLETCHER: Convicted felon Chad Johnson, I, Malcolm Fletcher, District Attorney for the Appalachia Territories and State of West Virginia place you under arrest. You will be remanded to the AMS Tower. You son of a bitch are gonna be locked up for a long, long time…
PUNCH: PUNCH NO LIKE LOUD NASTY MAN! MAKE STICKY QUIET! AHHHHHH!
SFX: PUNCHES. WET NOISE. BODY FALL.
SUSIE: Ella! Mr. Punch just smashed that man’s head in!
ELLA: I…I’m going to need a minute. That was the good stuff. Tee hee.
CHAD: Damn dude…what a mess…help me drag this dude outside.
SFX: DRAGGING NOISES.
PUNCH: Punch no make loud noises at family! Punch make dead!
CHAD: Yeah…you sure did. Thanks bro.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.
THE JUDGE: Chad Johnson. As I live and breathe.
CHAD: Oh hell no dude…
THE JUDGE: You know, building a case is one thing. But finding you literally red handed is another.
PUNCH: Who dis Chode? Make sticky quiet bad man?
CHAD: No, no dude. I got this. You go inside with Susie and wait for me. This won’t take long.
THE JUDGE: You want to go a few rounds with the Judge cupcake? You’d save me a lot of trouble if I just beat your ass and could take you in without a fuss. Wait till you see your room at the AMS. It’s something else. We call it the Test Cell. Nothing in there…no sound, no light…you’ll feel like you’re in a void.
CHAD: What exactly is your beef with me big man?
THE JUDGE: To be honest? I just don’t like you.
SFX: PUNCHES. THROWN. VIOLENT SCRAP.
THE JUDGE: That’s the stuff. Come on snowflake!
CHAD: Brother shut the fuck up.
SFX: PUNCHES. SCUFFLE IN DIRT.
CHAD: (choking noises)
THE JUDGE: Look at you. You’ve gone soft “The Chad”…
SFX: SHOTGUN LOADED.
VINCE: That’s ENOUGH!
OVERSEER: You heard him Pete. Up…and back away real slow.
THE JUDGE: Well, well, well. Lost your outfit Overseer? That was quite a stunt you pulled back there at the prison. Should’ve figured you had a back up plan.
OVERSEER: You know me. Always one step ahead.
THE JUDGE: Not this time sister. You think you’re going to just walk out of here? I have artillery and snipers surrounding this place. You’re not getting away. Not this time.
OVERSEER: You know what? The hell with it.
SFX: GUNSHOT. BODY DROPS.
VINCE: Oh my god…what did you do? What did you do?
OVERSEER: Oh who cares. It’s not like he won’t just respawn. Besides he had that coming.
VINCE: Are you out of your fucking mind? That guy is dynamite on a power trip. If you thought he was unhinged before, when he comes back he’s going to be pretty pissed off.
OVERSEER: I’m done playing nice. THAT MAN was a Vault-Tec spy and informer.
CHAD: Wait what? Pete was? That dude was working for Vault-Tec?
OVERSEER: It wasn’t a coincidence that he went from bathroom attendant to a de facto ruler of law and order out here. It’s time we…
OVERSEER: There you are!
SIMON: Sorry I may have taken a left turn into a ravine. Where the hell is everybody?
SIMON: Chad. How’s things?
VINCE: Now is not the time you two.
AMATA: We need to get inside. We’re too exposed out here.
CHAD: I sent them packing. Camp staff took the kids out to the road. They’ll be fine.
SIMON: One way or another. We need to end this tonight.
VINCE: Is this all of us? What do we have for weapons?
CHAD: I got a horde inside…but we gotta get the kid out of here.
SFX: WALKING UP STEPS.
AMATA: Hey Susie!
SUSIE: Oh it’s the nice diner lady.
PUNCH: Punch hate dis game! Red china food always loose!
SIMON: What the hell…
CHAD: That’s Punch. We’re gonna need him.
PUNCH: (Sniff) You smell wrong. Punch no like. Come near little friend make sticky dead!
SIMON: Yeah he’s a real charmer.
VINCE: Where’s the weapons? Let’s take stock of what we have.
CHAD: Dude, we can’t just get into an open firefight. I need to get her out of here.
SIMON: There’s little chance of that. The place is surrounded. They’ll likely wound your ass and drag you off to AMS. But her? They see a ghoul they’ll blow her head off.
SFX: VERTIBOT BLADES APPROACHING.
AMATA: What the hell is that?
SFX: FOOTSTEPS ON DECK.
SFX: METAL DOOR OPENS. MEGAPHONE IS HEARD.
CMDR. JOHNS: This is Commander Johns. How many of you are there?
SIMON: Oh shit! That’s a Vertibot!
CHAD: I like your wheels dude!
CMDR. JOHNS: We hollowed one of these bastards out at Grafton Steel. We can take 3. We’re going to have to fly you out in 2 trips. Stand by. We’re landing.
AMATA: Wait! Look out!
SIMON: The Sickleman is there!
VINCE: What’s he holding?
OVERSEER: A bow…
SFX: ARROW NOISE. EXPLOSION ON BLADE. EMERGENCY KLAXONS SOUND.
CMDR. JOHNS: SON OF A…Kori! Light him up!
SFX: MACHINE GUNS HAMMER TREES.
CMDR. JOHNS: We’ve got him pinned! I’m sending a cargo crate down! Make it quick!
SFX: WALKING ON DECK.
CHAD: Okay curtain climber…I need you and Punch to go for a ride.
SUSIE: Oh boy! Like a plane ride!
CHAD: Nah…it’s better. It’s like a toy chopper!
ELLA: Awww…I wanted to stay for the finale. Tee hee!
SUSIE: What about you?
CHAD: I’ll be right behind you.
SUSIE: But…I don’t want to go without you? Will the nice lady come?
AMATA: I can’t just…
SIMON: Amata it’s time for you to go too.
AMATA: What about Jake?
SIMON: I’ll worry about Jake. I have a plan.
AMATA: Sure kid. Let’s go.
CHAD: Thank you. Punch…remember what I said.
PUNCH: I member Chode. Keep family.
SFX: WALKING ON DECK. THUMP ON GROUND. MACHINE GUNS CONTINUE.
SUSIE: In we go Ella!
PUNCH: Dis trash can not comfy for Punch.
AMATA: Bit of a tight squeeze here…
SIMON: Johns! We’re clear! Take them up!
CMDR. JOHNS: 10-4!
SFX: WHINING GEAR. METAL STRESS NOISE.
CMDR. JOHNS: Damn…too much weight. Hold tight we won’t be able to bring you up without burning out the winch. Kori will keep her steady but you’ll have to free ride. Hold tight!
SFX: VERTIBOT BLADE ROAR.
SIMON: Your engine! You have a fire on the wing!
SFX: EBS SIREN.
SFX: ATTENTION. ATTENTION. NUCLEAR STRIKE EMINENT.
CHAD: Fuck…we’re out of time! GO! JUST GO!
SFX: FLIES AWAY.
SIMON: It’ll be fine. Listen…I have a plan. We have about 2 minutes…
SFX: AMBIANCE FADES.
SFX: HEAVY BREATHING.
THOMAS (VO): Kill. Reap. Sow. Fertilize. Kill them. Kill them all.
SFX: HEAVY WALKING.
OVERSEER: Victor Miller! Let’s finish this! You and me!
SFX: FASTER WALKING. BLADE NOISE.
OVERSEER: You poor bastard. Vault-Tec. You let them destroy everything about you. Just like me. But the truth is, there’s nothing powerful about you. Nothing mystical. You’re a lab experiment…nothing more.
SFX: BLADE SWISH.
SFX: RUNNING INSIDE LODGE.
OVERSEER: NOW VINCE!
SFX: DOOR SLAMS. FURNITURE FALLS AND BLOCKS EXIT.
VINCE: Good evening. Let’s keep the party in here shall we. Might as well have a front row seat.
OVERSEER: Vince! Down through here damn it!
VINCE: This guy isn’t so tough…l--et’s see him eat some lead…
SFX: BLADE SLICE.
VINCE: AHHHH! DAMN IT!
OVERSEER: Let’s goooo!
SFX: HEAVING FOOTSTEPS. ANGRY BREATHING.
SIMON: Hey! Sickledick! Must burn you to not be able to keep me on the shelf. Let’s try again shall we?
SFX: DOOR KICKED OPEN.
SIMON: NOW CHAD!
CHAD: Enjoy your ride to the basement bro.
SFX: KICK. SICKLEMAN TUMBLES DOWNSTAIRS.
CHAD: VINCE! Overseer! Close it! Then get out of here!
SFX: DOOR SLAMMED.
OVERSEER: Vince…you’re bleeding out…
VINCE: Well…at least I know where we go after this.
OVERSEER: The lock…the lock’s busted.
VINCE: Here…slide me over. Gonna need to block the door.
SFX: BODY SLIDE.
OVERSEER: I can’t just leave you here.
VINCE: Well then keep me company. In a minute we’re going to see quite a sight. I think it’s time we stop running from each other, don’t you?
OVERSEER: Yes. Hold me?
VINCE: I thought you’d never ask.
SFX: FADE INTO BASEMENT AMBIANCE.
SIMON: Is he dead?
CHAD: Nah bro you know how these things go. We’re going to go over there and he’s going to just up and be like, “SICKLE SICK AHHHH!”
SIMON: Hey. Let’s get on with this! Get up! Come on you bastard. Let’s finish this.
SFX: BLADE NOISE. SCUFFLE IN DIRT AS HE RISES.
SIMON: That’s better…now for the good part…and I love this bit. This right here is my favorite thing. Because I spent most of the past 2 weeks with my head on a shelf and my mind trapped in the Atomic Shop. Right now…from orbit is raining down on us a nuclear warhead.
SFX: STOP WALKING.
SIMON: That’s right. Remember those? You may have missed that October morning while you were sleeping. But I’ll bet you remember that fear hammered into your head every day by early warning drills and the media…that fear of the burning light of a 1,000 suns.
CHAD: Jesus Christ dude get on with it.
SIMON: Shut up Chad! See this is why I hate you. I was building up to this big gotcha monologue moment and…well fuck it. The moment’s spoiled. Oh! Is that a roaring sound I hear? We’d love to stay, but we picked up a few Scrap Kits.
CHAD: Enjoy your front row seat Sickledouche. These things are great for fast travelling on out of here…
SFX: SCRAP KITS OPENED. WHIRLING VORTEX IS HEARD.
CHAD: Hey Simon…
CHAD: Eat a dick. (Laugh)
SFX: VORTEX CLOSES. CLATTERS TO GROUND.
SIMON: Damn it Chad!
THOMAS: NO! NO YOU DON’T!
SIMON: See yah!
SFX: VORTEX CLOSES. CLATTERS TO GROUND.
THOMAS: NO! NOOOOO!!!!
SFX: RUNNING ON STAIRS. RATTLES DOOR. BEGINS POUNDING.
THOMAS: LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT OF HERE!
SFX: BLADE SLASHES INTO DOOR. FADE TO OTHER SIDE.
VINCE: Hold on…any second now…
OVERSEER: I….I love you.
VINCE: Oh sure…now you say it.
SFX: EXPLOSION. THUNDERING SMASHING OF LUMBER. MASSIVE WIND. THEN FADING SILENCE.
SCENE 24: EXT. RED SLOE’S DINER. – DAY.
JAKE: Here we go! Two of Jake’s Special Burgers!
SIMON: Ehm. Dare I ask WHAT makes them special?
AMATA: Probably not. Pass the ketchup. A lot of ketchup.
SIMON: So…that was….something.
JAKE: Do you think he’s down for good?
AMATA: I don’t think so. If he was a first gen test of a process, a serum or a technology…whatever the hell keeps us resurrecting, it would’ve been imperfect. Think about the span of years between killing. He slept through the Apocalypse before waking up. I think it’ll be a while before we see him again.
SIMON: Here’s hoping. As for me I’m sleeping comfortably at night with landmines around my bed.
JAKE: Shame for you buddy, a bed’s always warmer with three.
AMATA: Anyyyyway. One key down. Any idea where to head next?
SIMON: Not clue. Absolutely no clue. But there’s a library nearby in Charleston. We can take some day trips out there to paw through dusty volumes and see if we can’t get a microfiche machine working.
SFX: RUMBLING SOUND OF VAN APPROACHING.
JAKE: Welp. Here comes trouble.
SFX: WINDOW ROLLS DOWN.
DAVEY: Hey hey dudes!
SIMON: Malibu! You got her going! She handles like a dream. Sorry I wrecked her.
DAVEY: No friction brother. We hauled her out of the sand. It was a team effort. Bird Dog Brian got everyone to haul her out of the ravine for some kind of rope pull merit badge. He’s whack city!
AMATA: So where are you headed now?
DAVEY: Chasin’ that sunset! Always wanted to see Vegas. Might be something left…and hey…Davey knows sand. Know what I’m sayin’?
JAKE: That we do. Good luck dude! And thanks!
DAVEY: You dudes need to hit the road. This place is the pitts. The damned pitts.
SFX: SURF SONG KICKS ON CAR. RADIO.
DAVEY: SURF’S UPPPPP!
SFX: PEELING TIRES. DRIVES AWAY.
AMATA: Think we’ll see him again?
SIMON: Anything’s possible…and what the hell do you mean a bed’s warmer with three?
MEDIA: OUTRO MUSIC.
SFX: HUMMING MACHINERY.
SFX: DOOR KNOCK.
THE JUDGE: WHAT!?
FLETCHER: Sorry to interrupt you your honor. But the Judiciary has reported back that all escapees have been recaptured with the exception of the Overseer. “A Wing” is online and they are secured in their cells. We haven’t found any trace of her.
THE JUDGE: Excellent work. Simply excellent. Let her run around for a while like a mouse in a maze. Where is she going to go? In the meanwhile, we can start tests on the A subjects.
THE JUDGE: Oh Fletcher. Don’t be so naïve. We’re going to do good work you and I. Very good work. We’re essential parts in a machine that will bring civilization back. Law, order and apple pie my friend! Is there anything else?
FLETCHER: Also…ummm…the 5-0 have cut communication with us. Commander Connor Johns issued a statement that they no longer recognize the authority of the Judiciary and will operating autonomously from here on out.
THE JUDGE: Well, well. We have a little revolt on her hands, eh Fletcher. No worries. Let John run his force into the ground. He’s going to have his hands full with the Vultures. Any word on Rex and Johnson?
FLETCHER: Scouts have tracked fugitives Chad Johnson who is currently heading into the ash heap with his accomplices. Simon Rex is currently eating a hamburger at Jacob White and Amata Hayes’ Red Sloe Diner.
THE JUDGE: (Laugh) You ever heard of the Calhoun experiments Fletcher?
FLETCHER: Can’t I say have your honor.
THE JUDGE: Dr. John Calhoun started his own great work back in 1947 at a farm over in Rockville, Maryland. See he was interested in the science of ethology, the study of animal behavior. More specifically he created micro universes for rats and mice. In a sealed universe, a rodent utopia, he wanted to see what would happen when these rats were given resources, shelter, access to food and water, yet trapped them in a sealed space. Do you know what happened? Over time conflicts arose and the basest part of our nature kicked in: flight or fight. But fly? Where to? They were sealed in the experiment Fletcher. Inside. What did they do? They ate each other. They devoured their own. One of Calhoun’s lab assistants wrote that the utopia descended into hell. Up here Fletcher? We’re the observers…so let them run, let them have their fun. Because in the end Fletcher. Rex, Johnson…Johns…the Overseer…they are heading straight down. Come, let’s look in on our rats.
SFX: WALKING DOWN ECHOING HALL.
THE JUDGE: (Singing) I fell into a burning ring of fire
I went down, down, down
And the flames went higher
(Evil insane laugh, loud and long)
SFX: PAPERWORK FLIPPED
HOUSE: Hmmm…local boy. Born a stone’s throw from here. Former special forces, suffered a psychotic break during the invasion of Mexico a few years back. Prone to violent outbursts, frequent dissociative events with multiple personality disorder. He does enjoy arts and crafts and seems partial to mask making. You’re right Stan, he’s a real charmer. We should have him out to the Whitespring. I wonder how his golf game is?
BRAUN: (Laughs) Ja. I wake him up.
SFX: SYRINGE NOISE.
MILLER: (Moans) …the noises….the noises…
BRAUN: Vakee Vakee Herr Miller. Zer ist a good boy.
MILLER: Tight…too tight….out! Out! (Yells) OUT! NEED OUT!
BRAUN: Her Miller, I need vu to stay still und quiet. Arh! Do you rememper vat habens ven I pusch zee red putton here? BZZZZZ. Owwie.
HOUSE: Stan, don’t be such a sadistic German sausage. Allow me. Mr. Miller, my name is Robert House. It appears as though Dr. Kessle has explained our little project to you during one of your more lucid states and you volunteered. On behalf of the United States government, I thank you for your service.
BRAUN: Ach! Lez go! He ist just a subject Robert.
HOUSE: Not yet. I want Mr. Miller here to understand. I’m sure someone like you who has seen the horrors of the world, of the scrabbling of mankind for the last vestiges of a crust of bread or oil to light the darkness can recognize that we stand on the edge of a knife blade. Now this strange little German fellow and myself are working on a project that if successful could save everyone.
MILLER: Save…save everyone?
HOUSE: That’s right. I understand you lost your wife and daughter in a fire.
MILLER: (Cries out) BURNS!
HOUSE: Shh shh…well what we’re doing could stop all of that everywhere. Imagine a world where unjust death could be suspended. It would be ultimate tool of survival for every American, including families like the one you lost. Wouldn’t you agree that this would change the world at a time when it needs a new paradigm?
MILLER: (Moans) Stop the death. Stop the fire.
HOUSE: That’s correct.
BRAUN: ACH! ROBERT! I ist zo BORED. Lez go already! I am varming up zee array.
HOUSE: For pity’s sake Stan, do that, but he needs to understand in case this is yet another of your spectacular failures. Here…alter pathway A12 and set Beta Wave receptor to 38hz.
BRAUN: (Slyly) Ha! Vu haffe been zinking on zee broblem of our little project. Arh ! I knew it. Initiating ze startup sequence. Connect zee transmitter to hist temples.
SFX: MACHINE SWITCHES ON. THRUMMING POWER.
HOUSE: Mr. Miller, this machine here is going to download your living consciousness into that computer back there. A perfect copy. Everything you are, everything you know, everything you’ve done. Memories, dreams, personality, and identity…all converted and digitized. We’re going to take you from here and transfer you in there before we transfer you back. Do you understand?
HOUSE: Good man. Braun?
BRAUN: Monitor zee uplink and transfer. Let us begin. Activating zee phase one. Alpha Wave zynchronized at 11hz. Der gut.
HOUSE: Alpha wave synchronized to memory blocks 1 through 58. Continue.
BRAUN: Beta Wave zynchronization. Stand by. Ja. 37hz.
HOUSE: Confirmed. Beta waves synchronized to memory blocks 59 to 132. Proceed.
BRAUN: Ja! Ja! Ist verking! Gamma Wave, Delta and Theta Wave synchronization in progress.
HOUSE: Slow down Stan…we’re losing sync.
BRAUN: JA! Look! Ve have complete synchronization. Beginning phase 2.
SFX: ELECTRICAL SHORT. MILLER BEGINS THRASHING.
HOUSE: God damn it Braun! Disconnect…he’s going into cardiac arrest.
BRAUN: Nein! 99% upload….99.4% and holding!
HOUSE: Turn the fucking off thing off! Stimpaking him…
SFX: STIMPACK NOISE. HEARTBEAT IS IRREGULAR.
BRAUN: 99.4% Scheisse! Vat ist stopping completion? Ze mind is attached…like elastic…snap zee elastic?
HOUSE: BRAUN! NOW! We’re losing him!
BRAUN: Ja. I’m sorry Herr House.
SFX: GUNSHOT RINGS OUT. FLATLINE NOISE.
HOUSE: Jesus Christ Braun! What did you do!
BRAUN: JA! JA! 100% Ve have him! Ve have him! Look!
HOUSE: You shot him you crazy son of a bitch!
BRAUN: Und yet HE LIVES! Look!
HOUSE: (Unbelieving) 100% transfer…he’s in there.
BRAUN: I und initiating Phase 3. Zee Lazarus Array is online.
HOUSE: Ye…yes. Activating molecular decompiling.
SFX: HUMMING NOISE.
SFX: DEMATERIALIZATION NOISE.
BRAUN: Dah…complete dematerialization.
HOUSE: Respawn sequence initiated. 20%.....50%....
SFX: MATERIALIZATION NOISE
HOUSE: 100%. His body is healed…
SFX: ELECTRICAL SHORT.
BRAUN: Scheisse! Data ist fragmenting
HOUSE: Download him now damn it! Put him back!
BRAUN: Ja ja…wut do you tink I am doing? Brainwave synchronization has begun. Zee download is in progress.
SFX: SHARP INHALE OF AIR.
MILLER: Mommy? Momma!
MILLER: I love you Ellie….
HOUSE: He’s coming around…
MILLER: ELLIE NO! GET OUT!
BRAUN: 100%. Shutting down.
SFX: MACHINES SWITCH OFF.
MILLER: (Heavy breathing) What happened to me?
HOUSE: Mr. Miller? Do you know where you are?
MILLER: Yes…the Trans Alleghany Asylum.
HOUSE: That’s correct Mr. Miller. I am Robert House and this is…
MILLER: Doctor Stanislaus Braun. Yes. I remember. Creepy German with a sadistic side.
HOUSE: (Laughs) Yes. Quite. You are…coherent and fully aware.
BRAUN: Robert. Look here…
HOUSE: Fascinating. During the transfer it appears this his damaged memory engrams and abnormalities were reformatted. Good lord…Stan…I think we did it…
BRAUN: PAH! Nein. Look here…zee respawn algorithm. Nein gut. Out of synch with array. He will achieve respawn vist greater and greater drift.
HOUSE: If his body is critically injured or he’s killed he’ll come back at greater and greater intervals…but Stan…we achieved our first successful test. Do you what this means? We achieved complete consciousness transfer. This opens up an entirely new frontier for technology.
MILLER: (Starts laughing maniacally…then quiets down). Excuse me can I have a glass of dirt? Sorry I meant water.
BRAUN: Zer appears to be some minor data loss. Quite within zee project parameters.
HOUSE: Mmmm…we’ll need to perfect data integrity.
BRAUN: Yess….hmmm…Herr Miller. Would you like to go home?
MILLER: Home? Of course.
BRAUN: Ja! Der gut. Vu haffe been ein excellent patient und I’d like to revard vu. Vat do you zink of zat?
HOUSE: What are you doing?
MILLER: I can really go home Doctor Braun?
BRAUN: Ja! I’ll arrange it vis Doctor Kessle. (Whispers to House) Zist test is all vor nein if we cannot monitor zee longterm evvects in a real vorld environment.
HOUSE: That’s incredibly reckless. We don’t even know if the restoration of his sanity is a permanent and lasting side effect.
BRAUN: Vell….let’s find out…he will be vatched….he will be monitored.
Written by Kevin Chenard
CAST & VOICE TALENT
Mr. Handy: I'm not sure how many more commercials and reruns of his stories our listeners will tolerate while Mr. Warren is gone. The viewership is already plummeting. I do hope he returns soon. I'm beginning to worry.
Creepy slow door opening
3 Pairs of footsteps enter the radio station
Solomon: A bright and wonderful afternoon to you Mr. Handy robot. I am High Priest Solomon and these are my glowing associates, Dave and Fred.
Fred and Dave: Hi!
Mr. Handy: Hello and welcome to RBTS Radio! How may I serve you today?. . .oh my, that response is programmed quite deep isn't it.
Solomon: While Hugo is away, he asked me to look after the station. So, it'll be all mothman, ALL the time. Isn't that great?!
Mr. Handy: I have no such orders. I'm sorry, but we simply can't accommodate such a request.
Solomon: Oh silly robot. You don't understand. We must bring... the light... of OUR LORD, he who walks among the forgotten closets and abandoned light bulb stores of the Wasteland.. Mothman! He told me this would happen. Mr. Handy, stand down. Authorization code two seven V five Q - toilet bowl.
The sound of Mr. Handy falling to the floor.
Fred : How'd you do that boss?
Dave : Yea boss, how'd ya do it?
Solomon: Hugo gave me the disarm codes. He told me the robots were wound a little tight.
Solomon: Don't worry about it. Now, to the recording studio.
Footsteps followed by doors opening and closing. Soloman sits in the recording booth.
MR. Handy: Hello sir! May I assist you in your broadcasting endeavours today?
Solomon: How many Handys does this station even have?
Mr. Handy: Always happy to serve, sir.
Solomon: You sound just like the last one!
MR. Handy: We are programmed on the same assembly line, sir.
Solomon: Right. So. Uhh... I'm not sure how this works.
Mr. Handy: We are currently off the air. I shall instruct you when we are going live on the air. For now let us go through the basics.
Solomon: There can't be any interruptions. The word of our Lord must be clear. His words flutter into the ears of his subjects like a fine silk running through your fingers.
Dave: My underwear is silk, so silky on my cheeks. (Giggles)
Mr. Handy: I am sorry Mr. Solomon, but I simply must be in charge of this to make sure things run smoothly. There are standards of excellency here at RBTS radio station that...
Solomon snaps his fingers.
Sound of metal on metal smacking as Fred hits the Mr. Handy behind the head.
Solomon: You'll find my associates quite persuasive with their baseball bats. Now, what were you saying?
Mr. Handy. Oww... Certainly Mr. Solomon, I'll follow your lead.
Solomon: Now let us begin.
Mr. Handy: Wait! Just a moment. the FCC regulations state that each song must play to completion, and Mr. Warren takes great pride in enforcing those rules...
Solomon: Please my levitating friend, the people are waiting.
Mr. Handy: Mr. Warren will have me recycled into a new radio after this. You will be live in 10 seconds Mr. Solomon.
Solomon: Oh wait... Too soon, I don't have my notes ready.
Crinkling of papers
Mr. Handy: In 5, 4, 3...
Solomon: Uhh... Good morning... I mean good afternoon Appalachia. I am High Priest Solomon bringing you a very special message from our Lord Mothman.
Solomon: (Speaking away from the mic) Is that fine?
Mr. Handy: Please continue. Speak into the microphone please.
Solomon: Appalachia... Your people have been living in the shadows now for too long. Many roam the wasteland in search of purpose, a light to guide them.
Solomon: (Speaking away from the mic) Can we start again? I don't like my intro.
Mr. Handy: There is no starting over Mr. Solomon, this is a live broadcast. Please continue.
Fred: You're doing great, boss!
Mr. Handy: Please refrain from shouting.
Fred: Oh sorry...
Solomon: The great people of Appalachia... The followers of the Mothman extend with open wings... I mean arms, an invitation to join us on our journey towards the ever bright teachings of our Lord. With a simple donation of one lightbulb... No wait...
Solomon: (Speaking away from the mic) I sound too pushy.
Mr. Handy: Mr. Solomon, may I remind you that you are live at this very moment and this is not a recording. The people can hear your every word.
Solomon: Oh umm... Yes...
Solomon: Do not be persuaded by the false teachings of these other groups which have invaded our once magnificent lands, such as the Responders. Do not let your better judgments be lead into the dark by the Free States. You are proud peoples of Appalachia and belong to a higher purpose. Come to the light, embrace it's glow and be free... (Talks away from the mic again) I really believe that they will adore us after this.
Mr. Handy: Mr. Solomon please! Continue as you were!
Sounds of Mr. Handy walking off.
Dave: Hey! Where do you think you're going?!
Mr. Handy: I have to go to the storage room for more elbow grease. Please do not touch anything while I am away.
Dave: Umm... Alright but don't be gone long.
Mr. Handy walks off.
Solomon: Where is the robot going?
Fred: He needed elbow grease, boss.
Solomon:Well that seems fair. We do not want our aid to rust up on us. Now where was I?
Dave: You were saying the part about the liars, boss!
Solomon: Ah yes... The liars of Appalachia that wish to stray those away from the cause. They come in many forms and they bring gifts...
Transition to Mr. Handy in another room.
Mr. Handy: I do believe Mr. Warren has a spare Ham Radio in the station. I must contact the Responders immediately. This sacrilege display of broadcasting will drive the ratings down and must be stopped.
Mr. Handy making noise moving parts and boxes.
Mr. Handy: I found it! Mr. Warren will be so pleased.
Thud and wires followed by radio tuning
Mr. Handy: Calling the Responders, this is RBTS Radio Station. Please come in Responders.
Mr. Handy: Please come in Responders, this is RBTS Radio Station. This is an emergency.
Short Radio Static
Cmd. Johns: This is Commander Connor Johns of the Responders, come in RBTS Radio.
Mr. Handy: I regret to inform you we have a mild sutiaton at the station. You see, Raiders are holding the us hostage..
Cmd. Johns: Acknowledged. Units heading your way. ETA 8 hours.
Transition to Solomon
Solomon: We must come together to vanquish this red skinned plague...
***Hugo Warren: (Over Radio Console) Percy? Percy come in! I'm in need of help! There's something after me. I think it's the Sickleman! Percy!***
Dave: Yeah we don't care... Ha! Sickleman; that's just a myth.
Click of button. Transmission Shuts Off.
Fred: I wonder what this does?
Solomon: (High Pitched Voice) The flying monsters that we see in the sky are but one of the many menaces we face...
Dave: No no, you're screwing it up! It's this one!
Solomon: (Super Low Voice) But do not worry my dear Appalachians, the followers of the Mothman are here to guide you to light!...
Fred: Oh no you made it worse! Let me!
Solomon: (Huge reverb) Oooooh Holy Mothman, praise us with your light...
Dave: Oh man, it's real goofed now! How do we change it back?
Fred: I dunno, this is your fault!
Dave: Wrong lever ya dingus!
Solomon: (Chipmunk Voice) We welcome your wisdom. Accept our humble invitation and divert us from disaster...
Fred and Dave begin to laugh.
Solomon: Why are you two laughing?
Fred: Nothin, Boss!
Mr. Handy walks back into the room.
Mr. Handy: What have you done? You're ruining everything! Out, Get out, go stand outside!
Fred and Dave exit the Station. Close Door. Click of Buttons.
Solomon: (Normal Voice) Is everything alright?
Mr. Handy: We're fine, We're all fine, thank you! How are you?
Mr. Handy uses the console, clicking of keyboard.
Mr. Handy: Hello! A report! The viewership is twice the usual!
Mr. Handy: Please continue, Mr. Solomon.
Solomon: (Chipmunk Voice) Certainly...
Transition Outside The Station
Fred: Man... We blew it. Mr. Solomon is going to be furious.
Dave: He's going to go berserk I tell ya...
Fred: No... Furious!
Dave: No... Berserk!
Fred: Don't make me shoot you!
Dave: I'll shoot you!
Running and Guns Cocking.
Cmd. Johns: PUT THE GUNS DOWN! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!
Dave and Fred: Huh?
Guns Firing – Bodies Thud On Ground
Sgt. Hawkins: Damn raiders... Check the inside. Give me a status.
Cmd. Johns: Let's go Hawkins!
Running and Door Slamming Open
Cmd. Johns: Responders! Responders! is anyone alive?!
Mr. Handy: Yes officer. The two gunners were outside. Mr. Solomon is in the recording booth, unarmed it would seem.
Cmd Johns: Hawkins search the building to be certain.
Sgt Hawkins: 10-4 Sir.
Cmd. Johns: We'll be escorting... Wait... What is that sound?
Mr. Handy: Mr. Solomon's broadcast is a hit on the radio. We've added an... unexpected twist to his message.
Solomon: (Squierly Effect) I do hope to see new faces at the weekly sermons, my brothers and sisters...
Sgt. Hawkins: All clear Commander.
Cmd Johns: (Snickers) Well as long as he's not hurting anyone, we'll take our leave.
Mr. Handy: Thank you Commander Johns for the hasty intervention.
Cmd. Johns: It's what the Responders are for. If he gives you anymore troubles, please don't hesitate to call us again. You take care now. Wait... Where is Mr. Warren?
Mr. Handy: I'm not sure. He's been missing since yesterday! I hope he's not been taken..by the Red Menace!
Cmd. Johns: Well keep an ear out for him over the radio, I'll have units dispatched around known areas looking for him.
Mr. Handy: Oh,Thank you officers! Bless the Responders.
Transition to a later date
Exterior Doors Swing Open
Bishop: Percy! What the hell is going on here?!
Mr Handy: You've returned! What happened?
Bishop: Um. Nothing. N-no. Just..nothing at all.
Mr. Handy: Sir? Are you sure? You look rather worse for the wear!
Bishop: I’m sure. What..what is Solomon doing?
Mr Handy: he’s broadcasting sir! But before you say anything1 Look at these numbers. They’re just there, on your desk.
Sound of keyboard typing
Bishop: W..woah. That’s more numbers than I’ve seen in a long time.
Mr Handy: Precisely why I've kept him on the air. Appalachia adores the ridiculous sermons he's giving and with the added effects, it's quite the spectacle.
Bishop: Well I guess we can continue rolling with this in between songs and commercials until the boss gets back. I can’t wait for the Night Wolf’s false outrage. Maybe he’d consider a slot during the week to deliver his sing song meandering nonsense.
Bishop: Mr. Solomon, may I have a word please?
Door Opens and Closes
Solomon: Ah…have you been basking in the glow of my Lord?
Bishop: Not quite my light bulb obsessed lunatic..not quite. Allow me to float a stroke of genius. Would you be interested in a small time slot on the radio for your uhh... Sermons? We’re running a little competition among the staff here and I think your kind of baffling broadcast is just the thing to shake the tree a bit and knock down an apple past its prime.
Solomon: Absolutely! The peoples of Appalachia must learn of His greatness!
Bishop: Outstanding. Now then, just get back in the booth and continue your... great work. More competition is really going to make the Night Wolf howl in frustration!
Solomon: Of course...
Door Opens and Closes
Bishop: (laughing, intercom noise) Give them the goods you moth fetish obsessed weirdo!
Solomon: (Weird Effect) I have returned my friends...
Bishop: Charles Bishop has done it again!