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CAST & VOICE TALENT
SCENE 1: EXT. NIGHTTIME, WALKING THROUGH WOODLAND
FADE IN. LEAVES AND CICADAS CHIRPING
CHAD: 1 o’clock in the mornin’...can barely keep my eyes open
CHAD (VO): Nice job on forgetting the little bit’s birthday. Smooth move Chadlax.
CHAD: Shut up Chad head...head Chad?
CHAD (VO): Yeah…keep going…you’ve got this.
CHAD: Chad in the head?
CHAD (VO): Wow. That was brutal. You need to lie down after that stinger?
CHAD: Fuck off dude. I hope that Galleria mall ain’t swarming with scorched, hate those bastards. Always running around screaming with a fancy hairbrush up their ass. (SLAP NOISE) Come on Chad…stay awake.
CHAD (VO): Oh I’ve got just the thing. “(Humming Fasnacht song)”
CHAD: NO! NO! God damn it! ANYTHING but that song dude. (interrupted)... What’s that?
MAYA: Get off, leave it alone, it’s mine.
BETH: Tough tits freak.
BILLY: Yeah weirdo, beat it. It’s ours now.
CHAD (VO): Hey what’s going on over there?
CHAD: Nope. Not my problem.
MAYA: Owwww! You’re hurting me!
BETH: What’s wrong with your skin? You’re all gross.
MAYA: Stop it! OWW!
CHAD: (Sighs) God damn it….
CHAD (VO): (Laughs) Way to stick to your guns snowflake.
CHAD CREEPS CLOSER LEAVES RUSTLING
CHAD (VO): Hey check it out! They killed one of those sloth things. Loaded with loot. Why not get the drop on them and steal the good stuff?
CHAD: Nah it’s just a bunch of douche bags.
MAYA: (sounding defiant) Get off me! NO! I shot this knuckle dragging giant teddy bear all by myself.
BETH: Whoa…we got a real Annie Oakley here.
BILLY: (Laughing) Are you sure it didn’t just look at you and kill itself?
BETH: Last warning weirdo. Beat it. Go check out what it’s got inside Billy.
MAYA: NO! This is my stuff! OWWW! GET OFF ME I SAID!
BILLY: Hey, look what I found, it had a shotgun under its armpit with 3 stars carved
on it, and this weird looking mask.
BETH: (laughing) Bring it over, it’s ours now by wasteland rights
MAYA: (sounding upset) No, it’s mine, get the hell off me, I need it asshole.
BETH: You don’t get nothin’ FILTHY GHOUL
MAYA: (defiant) DON’T call me that.
CHAD: These fuckers. She’s outnumbered.
CHAD (VO): Why do you even care?
CHAD: She’s just like the kid…that’s why.
BILLY: Ghoul, ghoul, ghoul.
MAYA: Why are you being so mean?
BETH: Because you’re gross. We don’t want your kind around here.
MAYA: (Crying) I’m not! I’m the same as you…
BETH: Yeah? I’ll tell you what…let’s see what colour your blood is…
MAYA: (Crying) Stop! Stop it!
CHAD: Oh fuck no.
CHAD EMERGES FROM BUSHES RUSTLING
CHAD: Yeah! Short dick and round house! Why don’t you give me a go?
BETH: Fuck off dude. This is our kill.
CHAD: Really? Wasteland rules. It’s night…it’s dangerous and anything can happen to you, especially when you get on the Chad’s shit list.
BILLY: Who’s “The Chad”? did you just refer to yourself in the third person?
BETH: Who cares! Get him!
BILLY: Erm…. I…..I dunno man he’s kinda, erm…… huge.
BETH: Use the shotgun we just took dumbass!
BILLY: I’m not carrying any shotgun ammo, all I have is 5000 5.56 rounds I made for that girl
at least...I think she was a girl, I mean she was really nice to me so I made...(interrupted)
BETH: Shut up…Damn it.
CHAD: Wow. You two are losers. I’ll tell you what, LEAVE, before I take YOUR head and shove
it up HIS ass. Oh and you can leave all that stuff you stole on the ground there. Unless you
wanna end up in a paper bag.
BETH: Screw this I’m outta here. This isn’t over.
SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS RUNNING AWAY
BILLY: (panicked) Hey…. wait for me.
MORE RUNNING FOOTSTEPS
CHAD: Yup, that’s what I thought.
MAYA: Thank you. But I was just fine
CHAD: uh huh. Come on…let’s clean you up. You’re all dusty.
MAYA: Are...are you going to take my stuff?
CHAD: Nah. You’re good. You know you really oughta be more careful out here, like I said, it’s not
safe. What were you doing out here by yourself anyway?
MAYA: Well I saw this glowing green mist while I was walking through the woods, so I went to see
what it was.
CHAD: (sarcastically) Greeeat Idea.
MAYA: (slightly annoyed) Weeeell... anyway I saw this big sloth thing and thought I could take it
down, but before I knew it, he started attacking me!... I got off a lucky shot, which was weird, I
wasn’t really aiming at all... buuut turns out I hit a squirrel (muttered) Stupid VATS. I had to
hide up in that tree there because he kept spraying me with these weird mushrooms on its
back. Then those two morons showed up killed it and stole my stuff.
CHAD: Yeah, they shouldn’t be pickin’ on your like that. But hey, I gotta run. See yah later!
MAYA: Wait, please don’t leave right away, they may come back. Let me cook you some food.
I know a great recipe for Mega sloth… erm, if I can find it.
RUSTLING IN A BAG
MAYA: Damn it. I can’t find it, but I do have a recipe for squirrel bits…seen as we have one?
CHAD: Well I never turn down free food and it is getting’ kinda cold now anyway. Sure. I’ll make a
RUSTLING, CHOPPING SOUNDS
SCENE 2: EXT NIGHT. FIRE CRACKLING, CHEWING, EATING
MAYA: Sooooo….. How is it?
CHAD: Not bad. You cook a pretty good critter.
MAYA: Can I ask? Why did you help me back there? No one does. Sometimes they just make fun of
me for how I look and sometimes people just scream and run away.
CHAD: Way I figure it is that we’re all out here trying to survive, don’t matter if you come from a
Vault, or were stuck out here when the shit hit the fan. The fuckwad was partly right. We’ve
all got the same blood... Besides, you remind me of someone. (pause embarassed) I’m actually
out here looking for something to give her.
MAYA: Like a gift?
CHAD: Yeah her birthday is in the morning and I was so busy doing this fucking parade in Helvetia I
completely forgot about it. I’d like to find her some kind of toy at the Galleria to distract her
so she stops bringing home “kitties” that shit on the floor and eat my jock straps.
MAYA: (chuckling) Wait What?
CHAD: Never mind, long story (laughs). She’s a ghoul like you, but she’s just a kid. I guess
you could say I’m fond of her. I mean she has her moments, like yesterday, my ex Patsy was
babysitting her and tried to give her a “time out”, so she filled Pats’ room with Brahmin crap
and rigged a mininuke to the door handle. It…uh….made a mess.
MAYA: (Laughing) That’s funny! She sounds like she’s a little naughty.
CHAD: She ain’t so bad. Anyway, turns out it’s hard to find a gift for a kid in this place without
MAYA: Hold on a second, I think I may have something she would like.
MAYA: Here, maybe she would like this. It’s a mask…. I think.
CHAD: Woah, What? For real? this is one them big ole’ claw monster things. She loves em’.
Lil curtain climber brought one home once, almost tore may ass off. She’s gonna
MAYA: It’s all yours, least I can do for you after helping me out, besides, I don’t have any use for it.
CHAD: Hey, you should come back with me. We have a camp and food. Used to have a gym, but
ah…things happened. I do a BroFit training program on the down low now. Trying to stay off
MAYA: (chuckles) That’s very nice of you but I have to stay on the road. I’m trying to find
Someone, I can’t stop now, besides, I have plenty of supplies to keep me going (laughs).
CHAD: Well alright, your call, buuut …….let me give you this map, our camp is marked
on there just in case. I need to get back home before the curtain climber wakes up.
MAYA: Well I guess this is goodbye. Thank you again, next time dinners on you.
CHAD: You got the meal deal, young Miss! Be safe out there and try to avoid any more erm…. Squirrels.
MAYA: HEY! I got that squirrel good.
CHAD: Yes you did, wait, I never got your name…..
MAYA: (pause) Maya. My name is Maya.
CHAD: Stay safe Maya.
MAYA: You to “The Chad”.
WALKING AWAY NOISE
CHAD (VO): (Humming Fasnacht them)
CHAD: (distant) Damn it…. Not again.
FADE IN OUTRO MUSIC