These transcripts are for your enjoyment, but please do not reuse, readapt or reproduce without express written permission. ~ Ken
CAST & VOICE TALENT
Ken: This is Kenneth Vigue. (Kenny Intro) …..As always, remember that this post-apocalyptic podcast contains some foul language, dark humor, fart jokes, and depictions of well warranted violence. You have been warned, now time for some tea!
Intro Music & Intro Sequence
Scene 1: Giant Tea Pot
SFX: AMBIENT NATURE SOUNDS FADE IN
(Punch and Susie singing How Much Is That Doggie In the Window. Punch keeps saying “meat bag” instead of dog”)
Punch: What that big pot of tea doing there?
Susie: That’s where our tea party will be silly! I need to talk to that Mr. Handsy over there.
His name is Gilly Sweatwater, he knows EVERYTHING about tea.
SFX: MR. HANDY SOUNDS
Giles Sweetwater: Oh Hello! It’s so lovely to see you again Miss Susie and Miss Ella.
Who is your big green friend?
Susie: This is my bestest pal Punch. I have been telling him all about how much you
know about tea, and your special brew.
Ella: Your tea tastes like cat piss. Tee hee!
Susie: Don’t be rude Ella!
Giles: That is just splendid! Well I was just about to start up the boilers. Why don’t
the three of you go set up your tea party over there by the playground.
SFX: SOUNDS DISHES CLANKING AND WATER POURING INTO CUPS
Susie: (humming teddy bears picnic) While we wait for Gilly let’s try some of my teas?
Punch: Punch try. Punch try. Punch mouth dry like ass heap land.
Susie: Oh goody!!! Ella and I found some of these funny glowing berries that make a crickle crackle BOOM! Let’s plop them in the hot water and take a sip. It should be spicy in our tummies!
SFX: POPPING, CRACKLING NOISES LIKE POP ROCKS
Punch: (takes a very loud slurp) Punch like. Burn mouth like brew…oh…tummy feel funny.
SFX: BURPING SOUND FOLLOWED BY FLAME WHOOSH
Ella: Hey! Watch it ya big green dumb dumb! You almost burned my hair off! You know many screaming women these came out of? Tee hee!
Susie: Okay then. Well next Mr. Punch is this special mint nummy tea! Ella and I found this NASTY radroach we called mittens. He was filled with all kinds of fun glowing goo!
Ella: I tried to ride the little shit but he wasn’t cooperating.
Susie and Ella: So we pulled off his legs and he was all silly. Teehee
Punch: This tea look funny. Shiny shiny like fizzy Nooka Tem Tem.
Susie: Hush now! Drink it all up Mr. Punch before it gets cold.
SFX: PUNCH LOUD SLURPING AND GULPING
Susie: Oh! You look a little funny Mr. Punch. You’re blowing up!
Ella: Smooth move Rad Lax! His face is as misshapen as that ugly loading door ass of his. Tee hee!
Punch: (with a lisp) NO, you ugly, stoopid doll! (chocking cough) Something wrong with tongue. Words getting hard to speak.
Susie: You’re looking silly Mr. Punch! Oh! Let’s play Naughty Nurses Ella! Remember? Like those holotapes Chad has in his room!
Ella: Well we have the tea cup, but we’re fresh out of whipped crème and Giddyup Buttercup tee hee!
Susie: Now hold still Mr. Punch. Open your mouth and show Nurse Susie. Now stick out your tongue and Go AHHHHHHHHH!
Susie: Hmmm. Your tongue looks like a giant pink sponge. I think you’re having an akneerjerk
Reaction. I need a second pinion Nurse Ella…what is your investigation?
Ella: Welp…he ain’t gonna make it. Let’s operate and pop it! I’ll get the switch bladeeeee!
Punch: (In a panic with a Lisp) No, NO, get away stoopid
scary doll. Punch don’t need mp help!
Ella: It will just take a second! Hold still ya big oaf or I might slip and chop your tip. Teehee
SFX: CLANKING AND DISHES BREAKING
Punch: Get off Punch! No pop tongue! No pop tongue!
Giles: SFX: loud speaker effect (yelling) I’m pleased to announce that the tea pots are ready! So if you three fancy a cup, let’s get this event started!
Susie: (yelling) Event? What the hell is he talking about?
Ella: (yelling) This shit is too meta even for me! Teehee
Punch: (yelling) What that sound? Sound like nasty scuttle bug!
Susie and Ella: What the hell?!
SFX: FADE IN BUG NOISES
SFX: FADE IN SOUNDS BOILER BUBBLING, CLANKING, STEAMING
Susie: Mr. Punch! You have a tick on your face! Want me to smack it off?
SFX: LOUD CERAMIC SMASH SOUND
Punch: OUCHY! Now Punch have boo boo head AND fat tongue!
Giles: I am afraid the noise of the boilers will be bringing out some pests but please bear
with me while I get these boilers going!
Ella: They are coming from everywhere, let’s ride some and conquer Appalachia! Teehee !
Susie: (Yelling and Crying) My tea party is all ruined!
SFX: SOUND OF CRUNCHING BUGS
Punch: Stoopid bugs! Punch squash bugs! Good bug is dead bug!
Ella: Watch your fat feet snot boulder! You almost stepped on me!
Susie: Is that tick getting bigger and redder on Punch?
Punch: What tick?! There no tick on Punch!
Ella: It’s sucking on your back door you blockhead!
SFX: LOUD THUD FOLLOWED BY A SQUISH AND SIMULTANEOUS FART NOISE
Punch: Tick go splat….just like musica human chairs! Punch no like icky run runny’s. Punch need water. Oh no, Punch ruin Susie’s pretty dress!
Susie: Well there goes this outfit.
Ella: You look like you were motorboated by the Sheepsquatch. Tee hee!
SFX: (DOPPLER EFFECT OF DOGS BARKING AND SNARLING) AS BUG SOUNDS CONTINUE
Giles: The temperature is almost there! If you would be so kind is to take care of these
creatures, I would be oh so grateful!
Susie: You mean there’s more!? This has never happened to Ella and I before. I don’t
understand what is going on?!?
Ella: This has to be the best fanny tickling I have ever had! Squeeeeeeeeee, Gitty Up ya
hairless mongrel! Let’s go rope us up a steer! Teehee!
Punch: Stoopid creatures never end! Punch just wanted some tummy tickle tea! This the worst tea party ever!
Susie: You’re telling me! I hope this “Special Brew” is worth it!
Giles: (yelling) The Boilers Are Almost Ready!
Ella: Hey metal ass, could you speed it up a little! This mongrel is looking at me funny and I
DO NOT want my fanny tickled by him! Teehee
Punch: Punch want go home. No more tea time. Punch got too many ouchies.
Susie: Well hang on Mr. Punch. This first cuff computer thingy Chad gave us for direction is making noises. This timer thingy says 30 more seconds until it’s done! Whatsa a wa…wa…wave 3 mean?
Punch: Punch not know. Punch getting tired. This not tea. This bullshit grind. Hmmm…does Punch’s bum bum look funny to little murder dolly?
Ella: Maybe you should worry more about the army of ants behind you and less on your ass,
Susie: Hey Mr. Punch!? Put me up on your shoulders! I have an idea.
Ella: At last! Screw the cars and bicycle We have a legendary supermutant ride-on! (evil laughter)
SFX: SOUNDS OF FIGHTING INCLUDING DOG WHIMPERS, SQUISH, THUD, AND BREAKING WOOD AND BONES.
SFX: OF SUSIE AND PUNCH GRUNTING AND SHOUTING INCOHERENTLY
Punch: (yelling) WHO RUN APPALACHIA!?
Susie: (yelling enthusiastically) MASTER BATER!!!!!!!!! RAWR!!!!!
Ella: This is the best thing I have ever seen and I have seen some shit! teehee
SFX: SOUNDS OF BOILER, PIPE, BUGS, DOGS, AND CHAOS FADE OUT
SFX: LOUD TEA WHISTLE SOUNDS AS OTHER COMMOTION STOPS
Punch: Punch think it done now. Loud noises gone. Can make think again…owww my tongue…
SFX: LOUD THUD ONTO WOOD
Ella: What’s that sqeeky tire noise? Oh it’s Punch havin’ a think! Tee hee!
Susie: That was exhausting, I think I need a nappy poo.
Giles: I am pleased to announce that the boilers are ready Miss Susie.
Ella: This better be some tea floaty McTinFace or I’m gonna lob off your arms and smash your voicebox in…
Giles: Now that you have completed the task of protecting the pipes, here is your special
reward. A sampling of my special brew! Please enjoy it and thank you for your help.
Susie: Well since it all quiet now, maybe we can still have our picnic? Here Mister Punch,
have some special brew with me.
Punch: Punch sad. Little friend tea party all ruin.
SFX: PUNCH SLURPING
Punch: But this Special Brew (slurp) making Punch not sad……
Susie: ….. This tastes funny. This crap tastes like my grampas stashed cough medicine!
Punch: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM, tastes SOOO GOOD! Make sadness go away! Punch happy! Make Punch feel warm and fuzz inside! PUNCH WANT MORE
SPECIAL BREW! (gulping down sounds)
Susie: Mr. Punch, are you okay? You’re acting stranger than usual.
Ella: What the hell was in that tea? He’s acting like your Dad used to on his bowling with the boys/reverse cowgirling his secretary nights. Wheeee!
SFX: CLANKING TEA CUPS
Punch: (slightly slurring words) Punch need more brew! Punch need to keep feeling warm and fuzzy! More Brew! Moooooore!!!
SFX: HEAVY FOOTSTEPS RUNNING
Susie: Mr. Punch, where are you going? Our tea party isn’t over yet.
Punch: Punch want more tea! Must make MORE TEA!
Ella: This is a complete shit show. I’m taking a nap. Wake me when it’s over.
Giles: Oh Hello! It’s so lovely to see you again Miss Susie and Miss Ella.
Who is your big green friend?
Punch: Punch want more brew, you stoopid metal chod!
Susie: No Punch!!!!! Don’t do it again!
Giles: I am please to announce that the boilers are ready, so if you fancy a cuppa…….
Susie: Oh shit! Here we go again!
Ella: (Snoring) (Mumbling)…mmm…why yes this is a bloodied Deathclaw gauntlet Mr. Man…mmm…teee….heeee…
SFX: FADE IN BUG NOISES AND SOUNDS BOILER BUBBLING, CLANKING, STEAMING.
OUTRO MUSIC PLAYS