These transcripts are for your enjoyment, but please do not reuse, readapt or reproduce without express written permission. ~ Ken
CAST & VOICE TALENT
KEN: This is Kenneth Vigue. One of the most unusual one-off characters that fans fell in love with or love to hate is Brian, the overzealous, overly enthusiastic camp counselor from Camp Wannagrindalot that was introduced in Episode 5. I had only intended on him being a one-off character for our Sickleman Saga, but Mark nailed the character and voice so well that we decided to make the character a permanent fixture in Appalachia. In this minisode, we flash back just before his appearance at the trial of People Vs. Rex/Johnson where he testified. In it, we find out what happened just after he escaped the Atomic Shop Purgatory and returned to life. So, kick your feet up camper and study hard for your Automotive Quilting Merit Badge because now begins Adventures with Brian…
SCENE #1: INT. ABANDONED CAMP CABIN.
SFX: FOREST NOISES. RESPAWN SOUND….RAPID HEARTBEAT SETTLING.
BRIAN: Oh! Well golly! Looks like I’ve broken the laws of nature and returned to life! (Deep inhale) Wow! Smell that fresh air with the odor of Sulphur and eggs from the sparkling waters of Crystal Lake! It’s going to be a smell day!
SFX: SCREEN DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS.
BRIAN: Well that sure was a transcendent experience in heaven (wistfully)! Now I have all these great Scrap Kits to help with management of my garbage and all of these repair kits to make repairing weapons and my dirty scout uniform a breeze! Hey! There’s a swell idea! It’s a great day for a hike around the lake…I’m going use these Scrap Kits to pick up all the litter that defaces Appalachia! Oh!
SFX: STOMACH RUMBLING.
BRIAN: It appears that resurrection has caused some disruption of my digestive system. I’d best skideldeedoo to the outhouse to evacuate my turbulent no no place!
BRIAN: Oh dear! Oh dear! I hope I make it! Ah! There it is! Oh no! Now who would hammer shut an outhouse toilet?
SFX: BOARDS CREAKING AND BEING REMOVED.
BRIAN: There we go! Just in time before I had myself a case of the big bad brown (awkward laugh)
SFX: DOOR OPENS. CLOSES. PANTS UNZIPPED.
BRIAN: (Singing) I told the witch doctor
I was in love with you
I told the witch doctor
I was in love with you
And then the witch doctor
He told me what to do
He said that
SFX: FART AND DIARREAH NOISES
BRIAN: Ooo eee, Ooo ah ah, ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang
Ooo eee, Ooo ah ah, ting tang
SFX: DISGUSTED SCREAMS FROM BELOW.
BECKY: Oh my god stop! This is disgusting!
BRIAN: Oh my! Look here Satan, if I’ve told you once…I’ve told you a dozen times…stop sneaking up on me while I’m conducting my solids.
BECKY: Who is that up there? Oh my God what did you eatt??
BRIAN: Who is that? Why it’s Becky Watts! What are you doing down there camper? You already completed your Recreational Sewage Spelunking Merit Badge!
BECKY: What?! Why would anyone be in this shi….
BRIAN: sssssssss if you’re going to use dirty language then you can stay down there with the dirty things.
BECKY: I…I’m sorry. I just want to get out of here. I’ve been trapped here for months. You wouldn’t believe what I had to eat to survive…wait…how do you know my name?
BRIAN: Oh, I don’t know. If you have a clean heart with soap and water, you can deal with a pair of dirty hands and I know the names of all the scouts who attended Camp Wannagrindalot, it’s the mark of a good camp counselor. But then, you wouldn’t know that; you don’t have a good camp counselor. You had that filthy jock joke Chad and his wandering willy. Momma always said, think with your noggin, not your angry purple parsnip.
BECKY: Do you think you could help me out now? We don’t have much time before the ferals notice us. They mostly come out at night…mostly. Unless they hear a lot of commotion. Can you hurry? I’d like to get this …stuff off me.
BRIAN: Sure will. Luck for you I always keep a good bundle of heavy duty rope for occasions just like this. Prepare for whatever is the Scout motto!
SFX: SLICK MUD NOISES. GROANING.
BRIAN: Hold your pony's little lady no need to be rowdy. A good lasso lift knot requires care and precision. In fact, there is a funny little parable that dates back to 1787. It begins with…
SFX: FERALS CLOSING.
BECKY: Throw it down! Hurry!
BRIAN: Okay, okay…but later today it’s going to be storytime for you.
BECKY: Okay sure…I have it. Pull me up!
SFX: ROPE DRAGGING.
BECKY: Took you long enough, what were you doing looking for an invitation?!
BRIAN: Patience is a virtue, but proper safety precautions are the job of every good scout at camp and home. Always inspect any rope for proper structural integrity with no fraying that could lead to what?
BRIAN: What does that lead to?
BECKY: A….a bad day?
BRIAN: That’s right! Lastly, when a scout is given aid, a salutation of appreciation is appropriate.
SFX: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
BECKY: You should say thank you, but we’ll work on that.
BECKY: Wait…who is that?
MARYANN: Well hey there Brian! It looks like you hauled up a little mudfish! Phew! Someone needs a good dip in discolored and irradiated water with some Abraxo!
BRIAN: Well hey there Maryann Belts! What a treat seeing on this lovely day! I have to say that stained clown suit really compliments your striking facial features. What on earth are you doing back here?
MARYANN: Oh I never left. When I saw how those other councilors no no… those hooligans and the police finally leaving the camp after those zany murders, I thought this would be a swell place to clean up and call home full time! Me and ol Nukalele sing Kumbaya by the campfire every night.
BRIAN: Well aside from this boarded up outhouse, you’ve sure put in some elbow grease cleaning the bloodstains off the floors and spermatophore ejaculation off the docks. You get a thumbs up from me!
MARYANN: Well I don’t mean to brag, but you should take pride in the simple things I always say…
BRIAN: Oh you put the charm in charming Maryann!
MARYANN: Say, who is your little fecal friend?
BRIAN: Oh, this is Becky Watts. She was one of our campers but this smattered sillygoose must’ve fallen INTO the toilet as opposed to SIT ON the toilet.
BECKY: I DIDN’T fall in…
BRIAN: Children are better seen and clean and not heard Becky Watts. The grownups are talking.
BECKY: But I…
MARYANN: Butts are sitting, not for starting sentences I always say!
BRIAN: You’re so right MaryAnn…
BECKY: Jesus Christ…maybe it’s not too late to hurl myself back down there…
MARYANN: First of all…clean up that language. Secondly…how did end up down there?
BECKY: Well, it’s not like I was diving for treasure. That monster Susie Davis and her stupid doll put me in there. She wanted the feral ghouls to kill me, but I guess those ferals don’t kill other ghouls. They do violate space and didn’t like it when I was making noise. I think there was a lot of radiation down there though…at night I glow. I’m going to get that Susie Davie! And now, I’m stronger than ever.
MARYANN: You do smell pretty strong
BRIAN: (Laughs) Another corker MaryAnn. Remember Susie Davis there is only person who gets to claim revenge and he’s wayyyyyy up there.
BECKY: Whatever. Where are my parents?
MARYANN: Oh they went feral, so I beat them to death with a guitar sword to the tune of Oh Susannah!
BECKY: You…you what?
BRIAN: Ferals huh? Well it sounds like you did the right thing! You know Becky since you are now just a filthy orphan, ANNNNDDDD we won’t be hosting any other scouts till the summer…I have a nifty idea! MaryAnn or should I say, Councilor Belts…what if teamed up and went on survival adventures here in Appalachia! We could preach clean living habits, hone our scout skills, eradicate filthy heathen mutants and ferals and teach little Becky here how to brave this swell new world!
BECKY: (Under her breath) Oh my God. Put me back in the shitter.
MARYANN: You know what Brian! That idea makes my penny loafers curl! It would be my pleasure.
BRIAN: Splendid! There was a lot of bad behavior at camp and not just from the scouts. I myself experienced very un-scoutly behavior. Two of the councilors ate me. Ate me right out of this world. Still, cannibalism aside it was magnificent to see. I have been looking for a missing link between humans and the Wendigo and I got to see it firsthand. I have a few Wendigo heads for my wall but those two would really round out my collection.
MARYANN: Hmmm…I had to disagree with you, but the act of murder is not very scout like behavior.
BRIAN: Oh MaryAnn you blushing virgin, I can see why you’re confused. While murder is a sin and is explicitly frowned on in chapter 1 of scout manual, those two are NOT human anymore so it’s A-Okay.
MARYANN: Well Brian, I think this is an opportunity to teach some good civic duty to young Becky here. What you should do is report those two to the proper authorities.
BECKY: Didn’t you murder my parents?
BRIAN: You know what? You’re completely correct MaryAnne! Let’s make our way to 5-0 HQ in Morgantown and then see if we find a working ice cream machine!
RAIDER 1: Well, well, well. What do we have here?
BRIAN: Oh! Hello there, leather clad travelers sporting cod pieces and wielding deadly weapons! Jow can we help you?
RAIDER 2: Well it looks like someone took over the workshop at this here camp and we’re here to take it. Let’s see you drop your junk. We ain’t going to ask nicely.
RAIDER 1: Hey…look at this piece of ass over here in the clown suit? I’ve got something for you to honk love (laughs)
MARYANN: Your use of the English language leaves a lot to be desired you ruffian!
BRIAN: Give em hell MaryAnn!
MARYANN: It’s also bad manner to take what isn’t yours. I suggest you move along you Cockalorum.
BRIAN: Oh MaryAnn that retort is biting!
BECKY: Those are raiders! You guys are going to die!
MARYANN: Well Becky, as a stalwart believer in purity, I’ve learned to keep my legs close and my junk tight out here in Appalachia! Brian has too! It takes a lot of hard work and dedication to be a good Scout…and we’ve met a raider or three. If you look closely however, you’ll see from broken bloodvessels in their face and eyes and persistent drooling that are under the influence of mind altering drugs that have slowed their response, addled their brain and made them neglect their weapons.
BRIAN: Yes Becky, look at that fella there with a standard pipe pistol with a shattered grip and fraying duct tape. And that one is wielding nothing but a rusty wrench, which can pose tetanus concerns…but doesn’t do a lot of damage.
MARYANN: We on the other hand have spent the last year diligently saving up our caps and trading wisely. Those weapons will prove no match for my Bloodied Explosive Gatling Plasma and Brian's two shot exploding handmade rifle which I believe, Brian correct me if I’m wrong, you’ve modified to have additional capacity and flesh shredding ultracite ammunition.
BRIAN: Right you are Councilor Belts
MARYANN: I’m afraid these two have bitten off more than they can chew.
RAIDER 1: Enough bullshit you gonna die! It’s go time!
BRIAN/MARY: Watch your mouth!
SFX: GUNFIRE, WITH THE SOUNDS OF LIQUEFACTION AND SPLATTERED PARTS.
BECKY: Good God!
BRIAN: Yes He is. So Becky, shall we go on adventures together?
BECKY: How did you two do that?
MARYANN: It’s not so hard really. Brian and I have been collecting and trading perk cards since we met. With the right combination you can really pack a wallop.
BRIAN: It really does take hard work and dedication to get all your scout badges and you tend to find a legendary weapon or three!
MARYANN: And don’t forget armor!
BRIAN: Indeed Councilor Belts, there are more than a few armor pieces to be found. Quite a lot more, actually. But the extras you can trade at Berkley.
MARYANN: So what do you say kiddo; want to become the first ghoul scout for our new troop?
BECKY: With such spirit (under breath) and weaponry. How can I say no?
BRIAN: Well that’s swell. Shall we start with a song?
MARYANN: Based on the smell of this little ghoul Brian, why don’t we start up a spirited rendition of that zany Splish Splash song!
BRIAN: Oh MaryAnn… (laughs)
BECKY: Oh brother…