These transcripts are for your enjoyment, but please do not reuse, readapt or reproduce without express written permission. ~ Ken
CAST & VOICE TALENT
TAPE RECORDING NOISE.
CHAD: APPAMA…APALAMA…APACHE, HALLOWEEN. Man…this is my favorite time of year. Back in Lame 76 Moose, Patsy and I used to get dressed up and go around taking kids candy bags. We’d smoke some giggle weed, tales some ghost stories…like the one about the haunted penis…and then we’d down to the Overseer’s Ghoul Ball. The music was always complete shit, but the food was always good. When we got bored with dancing, we’d head off to do some tricks: TPing people’s bedrooms, putting military grade ductape across the doors so people would walk into it and then have to go it surgically removed. That kind of innocent fun. But the best Halloween? Had to be the one where Moose binged on Cram in the cafeteria stores, got sick and crapped on people’s doorsteps. I think we were supposed to put it in a paper bag, but we lit it on fire anyway. Man…good times. But now? We’re out here…no parties or nothing, so I think I’m gonna take the little bit Trick or Treating. Think she’d like that. If we get bored we can always hit a silo and nuke some crappy camps! Happy Halloween!
CRUNCHING LEAVES. OWL HOOTS.
SUSIE: It sure is a spooky cold night out here!
CHAD: Yeah, my nipples are hard.
SUSIE: Mine too!
ELLA: My nipples have uranium in them tee hee!
SUSIE: Aren’t you cold? You’re just wearing your underwear.
ELLA: I like what I see…and I’m can’t see shit! TEE HEE!
SUSIE: What are you supposed to be dressed as?
CHAD: I’m uhh….a sexy Vagpire.
SUSIE: Vagpire? What’s that? Like…you eat salad instead of drinking blood?
CHAD: Yeah sure…something like that. Hey, I like your costume. You look just like an angel. Where’d you get that nice white dress?
SUSIE: Oh it was mine! Ella and I found our old car at that Vault and we found our old suitcase. This was my communion dress. I never got communion…Ella scared the priest away. He and her spent some time together in my room for a while. Eventually he came out screaming. We didn’t see him again after that.
CHAD: Did your Daddy take you for tricks or treats back in the day?
SUSIE: No…he was always working late…under his secretary he said. But he said it’s the best way to get ahead. No, Mommy used to take me around. We’d go door to door and get all kinds of goodies! Nummy caramel apples, sticks of bubblegum, fresh fudge and popcorn balls. Yum yum! One time Miss George gave us a toothbrush! A brand new robotic powered toothbrush!
SUSIE: We went back after dark and set her house on fire.
ELLA: Screw that old bag! Her fanny was more flapjack than Belgian waffle. Tee hee!
CHAD: Well…here we are. Some asshole build a 15 ton metal house on these metal stairs. Head on up there and ring the bell. Don’t forget what you’re supposed to say!
SUSIE: We won’t! (Hums Teddy Bears picnic)
RINGS DOORBELL. DOOR OPENS.
SUSIE: Treat or TRICK.
ELLA: Gimme something you pleb! Tee hee!
PAUSE. WIND BLOWS.
CHAD: What’s going on?
SUSIE: I dunno. I think this person is retarded. They’re not talking. They’re just making funny faces and shrugging their shoulders repeatedly.
CHAD: Well…his light was on. Games game. Show him your trick sweetie!
SUSIE: Oh! That’s right! Pew Pew! You’ve been blessed!
ELLA: Oh! Those ashes are pretty. It looks like Christmas Tee Hee!
SUSIE: Oh look Ella! They have all kinds of food and junk in here. Let’s take it all!
CHAD: Get anything good?
SUSIE: I got some salt, some Slutpacks and some dog food!
ELLA: (sings) Trick or treat, trick or treat…give me something good to eat…if you don’t…I don’t care…I’d prefer you tickle my funny. Tee hee!
CHAD: Well let’s crack on to the next house. Say…when did you first get Ella?
SUSIE: Oh! I always loved dolls…but I didn’t have any real special ones. Well one time Daddy brought me into the big city to this partment store. Miss Mae his secretary was helping Daddy try on his pants, so I got bored and went up to the toy floor. I found this back room and high up on a shelf there was Ella! As soon as I saw her I wanted her! So I climbed up on the shelves, got Ella down and brought it to the nice lady at the cash register. I told her to put it on Daddy’s account, but she said Ella wasn’t for sale and made a funny face.
ELLA: She was a bitch.
SUSIE: Well I threw a tantrum right there. After I smashed some displays the lady said Ella was cursed. I told her Ella HADN’T said any naughty words to me. She explained Ella was different. Finally the lady just said to take Ella and get out of here. I was sooo happy! I got in the elevator and the doors closed. I was going to go back to Daddy’s floor, but nothing happened. The elevator wouldn’t go! I got real scared and wondered if Ella really was cursed! Well just then Ella opened her eyes…looked right at me and said…
ELLA: Push the button to go up bitch tee hee!
SUSIE: We were forever friends after that.
CHAD: That’s great kiddo! Friends are important. For what it’s worth I’m real glad we found each other. My Daddy never took me out trick or treating…and it’s the sort of thing a Daddy should do.
SUSIE: Ella and I are real glad too! We love our new home with that funny Moose and that walking corpse Patsy.
ELLA: Tell us a scary story!
CHAD: A scary one huh? Hmmm…okay well there is one Moose told me a few years back. Trying to remember how it goes. Ah! Well there once was an woman. Well an old woman…she had to old because she had to wear a belt to keep her tits above her waist. Well she kinda poor and would go out in the dark woods each night to try and find something for dinner. Well this one night she spotted something funny sticking out of the leaves. She got out her little shovel and dug around and until she found…she found…uhhh…
SUSIE: A finger?
ELLA: A hairy toe?
CHAD: No…I think it was a nut. A left nut.
SUSIE: Like…a peanut?
CHAD: No…like a dude’s dice. Except I think Moose said it was the left one.
SUSIE: That’s gross.
CHAD: Well anyway she thought it would make a nice dinner. So she dug it out, tossed in her basket and headed home. When she got back to the place she boiled some water, tossed in some salt and pepper and cooked that left nut up good. She gobbled it down and everything…getting soup all over her face. Well she was pretty full and it was the best meal she’d had in weeks. So she went to bed, with a smile on her old face. Around midnight this cold wind started blowing real hard. The trees were swaying and the branches were scratching at her window. It woke the old lady up and she clutched her blankets scared out of her old bag mind. Far out in the woods she heard this voice calling, “Wheeeeeere’s my nuuuuut? Oooohhhhh whoooo took my leeeeffttt hairrrrry nut?” Well the old lady was totally freaked out. These heavy stomping footsteps were getting closer and closer outside. As the lady lay there…eyes wide in terror, the front door blew open with this big gust of wind!
SUSIE: Oh this is scary!
CHAD: Well hang on. It’s almost over. Well outside her bedroom door she hears STOMP STOMP STOMP. Getting closer and closer. The old lady looked to the door and saw this big dude…shrouded in darkness. With a deep booming voice, it wailed, “WHOOOOOO TOOOKKKKKK MY BALLLLL? WHOOO TOOK MYYYY LEEEFFFTTT NUTTTT?” Well finally the old lady had enough of him talking about his balls. So she sat bolt upright and yelled at him, “I ATE your left nut!” Well everything grew quiet.
SUSIE: What happened next?
ELLA: Oh this old bitch is gonna get it!
CHAD: Well in a whispery voice it said to her, “Yes. You did.” He moved into the room and her bedroom door slammed shut. Well she started screaming and screaming. Her neighbors heard the commotion but weren’t going out on a night like that. Next morning, they headed over and found her house all torn apart.
SUSIE: What happened to the lady?
CHAD: Well every now and then people would see her…off in the distance. She was always searching, wailing. They called her The One Tit Banshee. Somewhere out there is also some unholy creature with a left nut that’s dragging along on the ground behind him.
SUSIE: Oh that story was stupid. Oh! Another house Ella!
CHAD: Hmmm…lights out with this one sweet pea. You know what that means right?
SUSIE: Sure do! We get to throw one of our special candles!
CHAD: That’s right! Toss that right in there on their twin bed. Stand back…here comes the Vault 69 Artillery shells!
ARTILLARY SHELLS SOAR THROUGH THE AIR. HOUSE EXPLODES.
SUSIE: TRICK OR TREAT! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
CHAD: Come on kid, let’s head home. Its so cold out my pretty peter has become a button mushroom. Moose is gonna make us hot chocolates with ingredients that make no sense.
SUSIE: Let’s sing a Halloween song!
CHAD & SUSIE (sing):
There was an old woman all skin and bones
She lived down by the old graveyard
One night she thought she’d take a walk
She walked down by the old graveyard
She saw the bones a-laying around
She went to the closet to get a broom
She opened the door and…