These transcripts are for your enjoyment, but please do not reuse, readapt or reproduce without express written permission. ~ Ken
CAST & VOICE TALENT
KEN: This post-apocalyptic podcast contains some foul language, dark humor and depictions of well warranted violence. You have been warned. Proceed through the Vault Door at your own risk.
SCENE 1: INT. SIMON’S HOUSE.
FADE IN. WIND PICKING UP OUTSIDE. SOUNDS OF ELECTRICAL FIDDLING. CLOCK CHIMES.
SIMON: Damn…running out of time. I need to finish fixing the uplink so I can transmit these journals. I…need something left of my life. Just…something. Right…here goes, power to 100%.
GENERATOR SPUTTERS AND GOES OUT.
SIMON: Damn it. Not enough power to transmit.
GETS OUT OF CHAIR. PULLS AND PULLS ON GENERATOR CORD. IT ROARS BACK TO LIFE.
SIMON: (sighs). Well…here’s hoping someone finds this shack at least and these tapes. Resume recording.
TAPE REEL ENGAGES AND BEGINS TRANSCRIBING
SIMON: Before the Great War, all across the country, all across the world were supermarkets. Super Duper Marts…a glistening, glowing orgasmic smorgasbord of every kind of sweet and sour thing you could ever taste. Unctuous pieces of fruit, glistening flawlessl vegetables and any cut and type of meat you could ever possibly want. In this country for centuries we had been consumers…consuming as opposed to hunting, gathering and making. We wanted for nothing, spoon fed disposable items from a gigantic machine of manufacturing and packaging. We got fat and lazy. So what happens when there is a disaster the likes of which the world has never seen before that obliterates that machine. What do you do? Some people would struggle for a few years to relearn and remaster how to be farmers again…whose survival relied on crops that thrived. Others would become hunters again, trapping animals and stalking prey. While some people would simply become raiders, who survive by taking what they need at any cost. (Groans)…ah…getting hard to focus. Need to finish this. But there are also those who revert to the most primitive part of ourselves. The ultimate taboo. Because the truth is…the difference between us being just another predator and something more comes down to sheer will alone. Do you fight that nature? Or do you become a slave to it? I had become a cannibal. But I was about to find out that in that transgression against what it means to be human, I was…not…alone. I…dizzy….can’t…
CRASH TO FLOOR, BOTTLE KNOCKS OVER.
SIMON: Can’t use Stimpacks anymore…Chad…I need…can’t…respawn…
SILENCE. DOOR OPENS. FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.
GRAUL: Well, well, well…as usual…your endless exposition wasted what precious time you have left. Look at the state of you. Okie dokie…one last meal, shall we?
SOUNDS OF BODY BEING DRAGGED ACROSS THE FLOOR. FOOTSTEPS WALKING BACK.
GRAUL: What do we have here? A transmission? Still live…how quaint. Well, excuse me ladies and gentlemen. Your host is currently indisposed. My name is Mr. Graul…no doubt some of you know me and my…little clan. I am…well let’s see there is probably a tape around here somewhere that can explain it better. Ah! Here it is…”November Journals: Thanksgiving and EATT”. Let’s append this little diary entry here shall we? We must be off now…your usual host is invited over for one last meal. Toodle-loo!
TAPE REEL DISENGAGES.
MUSIC & INTRO SEQUENCE
SCENE 2: EXT. ROADWAY. WIND BLOWS, PLEASANT NATURE SOUNDS.
SIMON (V.O.) Appalachia, Day…you know what, no more days. Appalachia, November 17th, 2013. 52, Cold. Summer has long since gone and what a year it has been. Summer camp long behind us, and the chill of winter is ahead of us once again. I finally tracked down Jake and Amata last evening at the Red Rocket Truck Stop and we headed south once again.
JAKE: Yeah, make sure to tell them your Explosive Meat Sweats set my sleeping bag on fire.
SIMON: Shut up! I’m recording.
AMATA: Still…using the consistent flames from your backside last evening to cook hot dogs was a visual that won’t…in any way…traumatize me later in life.
SIMON: (Sighs) As I was saying…it’s great to be together on the road exploring again. We’re headed south on old Route 59 to a rather well-preserved pre-war resort Jake and Amata had scouted while we were apart. After exploring other locations for a permanent residence this location seems the most ideal.
JAKE: 360-degree views on all sides for maximum defense.
AMATA: And ample sunshine throughout the day on all sides of the lodges to maximize heat. That’ll also help me kickstart our garden with some of my genetically manipulated maximum yield seeds.
JAKE: Yeah…can we maybe not plant pumpkin?
SIMON: Why not pumpkin? I love pumpkin…I was hoping for a proper pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving this year.
AMATA: Well…these pumpkin seeds I didn’t get quite right.
JAKE: She planted a test crop next to the pumpkin house around Halloween. One pumpkin ate all the other ones, becomes some big ass mutant pumpkin and had eaten 4 people before we fed it some frag grenades.
SIMON: Still…we have a lot to celebrate this year. A lot to be thankful for…let’s do a huge spread. Cook a bunch of food…drink, play some games and pleasantly pass out. Last Thanksgiving I had another misadventure with a Perfectly Preserved Pie. Fuck those machines. Let’s make our own pies. I’m sure we’ll find some recipes inside a lunchbox in the middle of the road or on a bookcase in a field…if we look hard enough (laughs) I’m sorry…I can’t say that with a straight face.
AMATA: Hold up…
JAKE: What is it?
AMATA: Someone’s coming…
SIMON: Arms at the ready….
SIMON: Jake what the fuck is that?
JAKE: It’s a sweet drill I found. This fucker’s 25-year-old batteries are still kickin’!
SIMON: You’re going to murder someone with a drill?
JAKE: I mean…you’re wielding a bone club over there that looks like a gnarly donkey dick. Leave me and my drill alone.
SIMON: Fair enough. What in the actual hell is he wearing?
ARISTOCRAT: Egads! Rabble! Out of my way peasants.
ARISTOCRAT: I said out of my roads! Step off my path! Shovel your filth to the ditch! I have an appointment with the Duchess.
ARISTOCRAT: Oh…my…lord…what in the name of the Lord Regent is that smell?
SIMON: You see working showers around here fella? I took a bath in a fetid swamp this morning…what of it?
ARISTOCRAT: You must be new to this region of Appalachia. Allow me to present my card.
SIMON: 1st Member, Apocalyptic Aristocracy...if you’re not first…you’re last. Catchy.
ARISTOCRAT: This is our Territory, from here clear on over to the majesty that is the Whitespring.
AMATA: Ummm…kay…well have dibs on that resort over there.
ARISTOCRAT: The New River Gorge Resort?! That land was be queefed to me by Sir Reginald. Be off with you before I let lose the hounds!
JAKE: What the hell is going on here?
SIMON: Did he just say be queefed?
AMATA: Look buddy, I’ve never heard of you…and yours or not, there are 3 of us and one of you.
ARISTOCRAT: Fistcuffs eh?! Have at thee pillock!
GLOVE SLAP TO THE FACE IS HEARD.
SIMON: Did you just slap me with a glove? I’m going to eat your face.
AMATA: No, no Simon…stop…
JAKE: Well it IS almost lunch time…
AMATA: No both of you stop! Each time it gets hard to get you back!
JAKE: SOOOOO HUNGRRYYYY
ARISTOCRAT: No! Stop! What are you?? Wait! I’m EATT also! I’m one of youuuu (scream)…(coughing blood) you fuckers are going to pay…we are legion….(death rattle)
TEARING AND EATING NOISES.
AMATA: (Sighs) I guess I’ll head over there and setup C.A.M.P…make sure to bury the body this time will yah?
GRUNTING AND TEARING CONTINUES.
SCENE 3: INT. VAULT 69 KITCHEN. Sizzling bacon (or whatever) is frying on the stove.
MOOSE: (Singing low as he cooks breakfast) Oh I’ve got spurs that jingle dangle tinkle…as I go walkin’ around or something bro…
PATSY: Mornin’ muffin’! Mmmm…that smells delicious! What is it?
MOOSE: Fucked if I know. It was crawlin’ around out back. Chopped it up and smoked the hell out of it over some corn cobs…if you close your eyes it tastes like bacon.
PATSY: With all the caps we’ve been raking in from these dumb plebs doing our BroFit program, I FINALLY have enough caps to spend a day at the Whitespring Spa. Remember that place? Oh it looked so dreamy….everything was properly clean…and they have working plumbing.
MOOSE: Yeah. I’m not a fan. Some Sentry Bot started harassing me at the bar for not being properly attired. Made me put on this Civil War ballgown I found on a body in the middle of the road. I should’ve washed it first. The beer was good, but it took me weeks to kick that swamp itch.
PATSY: Where’s Chad?
MOOSE: Went into town scavving for some ammo for our turkey hunt. He wants to give the little one a proper Thanksgiving.
PATSY: Whatever. I can’t stand her and that creepy ass doll. I keep finding bodies and paper bags out back in her playground.
CHAD: Wakey, wakey, what passes for eggs and bakey!
MOOSE: Hey bro! Breakfast almost ready. How’d the ammo hunt go?
CHAD: Lucked out. Found a wandering robot who sold me blueprints to some clocks and lamps and this sweet ass hunting long coat. Loaded up on plenty of ammo.
PATSY: Have you even seen turkeys out here? They’re probably ex…ex…ex trinket or something.
CHAD: Ummm…I think you mean extinct. I’m sure they’re out there. We’ll get a good bird…don’t you worry.
SMALL RUNNING FOOTSTEPS RAPIDLY APPROACH.
SUSIE: Chad! Chad! When Ella and I were burying those bodies we just made dead we found a little kitty! Can we keep it? Can we???
ANGRY CHOMPING AND DIGGING NOISES AS THE MOLERAT RUNS AROUND CHOMPING ON EVERYTHING.
CHAD: What…the hell is that thing? It looks like potato with teeth and legs.
ELLA (V.O.): I think it has diseases! Tee hee!
PATSY: OH MY GAWD! IT’S PISSING ON MY SHOES!
SUSIE: It’s a little kitty silly. See…he’s real friendly.
IT CONTINUES CHOMPING AND GROWLING.
MOOSE: That little fucker looks delicious! I bet he’d go great on the grill. OW! You stabbed me in the ass!
SUSIE: NO! He’s MY special friend. If you’re hungry you can eat FATSY over there. Ella and I were trying to sleep last night and it sounded like you were at some kind of buffet.
ELLA: I think you broke the wall. Tee hee!
CRASHES ARE HEARD IN CHAD’S BEDROOM.
CHAD: Ah! The god damned thing is trashing my bedroom. It’s eatin’ my jockstrap!
SUSIE: Awww…he’s just hungry.
ELLA (V.O.): Your bedroom smells like lubrication and sadness. Tee hee!
CHAD: No…no…out! Get out of there you little bastard!
SUSIE: Maybe Kitty can sleep outside?
CHAD: Sure…I’ll take it out back and find a nice place for it.
FOOTSTEPS AND THE ANGRY MOLERATE GROWLING FADE INTO THE DISTANCE.
SUSIE: Oh boy Ella! Soon we’ll have lots of pets. Like a little farm. Remember when we used to play Farmer Susie?
ELLA (V.O.): And the cow goes…
ELLA (V.O.): And the pig goes….
SUSIE: Oink oink!
DISTANT GUNSHOTS OUT BACK.
ELLA (V.O.): And the Vault Dweller goes…
SUSIE: Ah! My fucking legs!
CHAD: There. I found him a real nice spot out back.
SUSIE: Yay! Can we bring him some treats?
CHAD: Uhh…not right now. He’s sleepin. Come on, let’s go put up our posters around Flatwoods to recruit some more fatties for our personal trainin’.
SUSIE: Oh boy!
ELLA (V.O.): …if someone doesn’t tickle my fanny soon, I’m going to cut you all while you sleep. Tee hee!
SCENE 4: INT. RESORT. BIRDS SINGING. SIMON STIRS.
SIMON: Ah…holy hell my stomach.
AMATA: Awake finally? I used a dart gun on you two…you were getting…a little out of control. Your faces started shifting or something. That’s new…we really need to find a way to reset your genetic code.
SIMON: Where’s Jake?
AMATA: Upstairs. Tucked him in…he was a little worse for wear. He’s been a cannibal longer than you have.
SIMON: I…I remember…what did that guy say? He was one of us? EATT? What the hell is EATT?
AMATA: Not sure. I’ve some graffiti and signs the last year…never really payed much attention to it before. Must be some kind of underground group or something. Maybe a faction or a club.
SIMON: …we shouldn’t have escalated things. We’re asking for trouble. Eventually some of his fancy friends are going to come looking for him. Or, worse…he eventually comes back to life and seeks revenge.
AMATA: I’m not worried. While you two were knocked up I set plenty of automated defenses. I’m going to go bring Jake some purified water. Yell if you need anything…but you should rest.
SIMON: Appalachia, November 17th, continued. Well…another…incident. I’m starting to get scared…each time I feed this dark craving it becomes harder and harder to regain my humanity. If Amata hadn’t been there…I don’t know what I would’ve done. But…all that aside…we finally, finally…after a year of wandering have claimed a permanent home. Before the Great War, the New River Gorge Resort was a respite for the who’s who of the East Coast. They were known for their summer dance camps giving people the time of their lives. There are several lodges surrounding the pool area.
SIMON: For fuck’s sake…again? Tomorrow I’m going to get my ass in gear. If I can repair the water pumps and see if Amata can work up some of Rad-X filtration additive to keep the water from giving me a 4th nipple…we can have a proper swimming pool. If all goes well, once we get our crops planted, we’ll have enough space here to open a hotel or maybe a bed and breakfast. Out of all of this darkness we could finally add some kind of permanent civilization…a community with light and hope. I finally…one year later feel like things may be turning around. I just…ever since Jake and I ate Brian back at camp…I haven’t felt the same. I live in fear of death, more so than the average person because I remember what awaits me. The Atomic Shop. I never want to go back there. Not ever. I have that terror on side and the fear of losing my humanity to this cannibalism on the other I just…I need to find a way to get rid of this genetic perk.
TAPE TRANSITION NOISE.
SCENE 5: INT. BLACK BEAR LODGE. FIRE CRACKLING.
GRAUL: …and so dear friends (scratches something out) and so my fellow Aristocrats, we gather in celebration for a year reclaiming Appalachia, the land we own by blood. In its mountains, our forefathers carved riches out from the very stone. In its fields, we grew life from the soil that reached towards the sun. The sun still….that sun still? Ah! That sun still shines upon this region. This region, which now is filled with filth. With peasants, with monsters, with the feral remains of the old world clothed in tattered rags with barely a whisp of their humanity left. We and our brothers in the Aristocracy have royal blood, untainted by the years and war. We stand on the backs of giants, of kings and queens, lords and ladies. In the ancient world it was the royalty ordained to create order, channel the toil of the lesser to profit and productivity. Their legacy is ours…and we shall reclaim Appalachia as…
KNOCK ON DOOR.
GRAUL: Curses. I nearly had it there. Yes…yes what is it?
BELVEDERE: Excuse me sir, I know you requested not to be disturbed, but Abraham has returned from Scouting and wishes to speak with you.
GRAUL: Oh very well…
ABRAHAM: My apologies for the interruption sir…
GRAUL: It’s our first annual banquet Abraham, you know how important this is. This speech is the cornerstone of our emergence.
ABRAHAM: Yes sir, but I have located the next Initiate.
GRAUL: Ah! The lost descendant? The last of our flock?
ABRAHAM: Yes. He is holed up at the New River Gorge Resort.
GRAUL: Isn’t that Lord Chase’s protectorate?
ABRAHAM: Umm…yes…about Lord Chase.
ABRAHAM: He was setup upon by the Initiate and one other. Before I could intercede and silence them, a female companion sedated them and dragged them into the resort.
GRAUL: So…not just an Aristocrat, but one of our people eh Abraham? It looks like the Establishment will need one more chair at the table for the conference. Send the new valet…what was his name? Ah Simmons. When Simmons returns from my requisition, send him in a carriage to collect him. But go with him as driver. If the Initiate puts up a fuss, sedate him…but he mustn’t be harmed. His companions are disposable.
ABRAHAM: I understand. We will meet you at the Whitespring following the collection.
GRAUL: Now where was I…ah…their legacy is ours…and we shall reclaim Appalachia. Its crown will be the elite members of the Apocalyptic Aristocracy who will rule. And its teeth, well its teeth will be you my brothers and sisters. We who are known only as E.A.T.T…
SCENE 6: INT. VAULT 69 GYM. WORKING OUT SOUNDS.
CHAD: …and here at Vault 69, our BroFit program will give you maximum results in less time. Instead of being a Wasteland Zero, I’ll make you an Appalachia Meathead.
DWELLER: Gee…I dunno. 1,000 caps seems a bit steep.
CHAD: Uhhh…Pats. Your line.
PATSY: Oh! Sorry…where’s Moose? Normally he does this stuff.
CHAD: He’s out scoutin’ out a good spot for our hunting blind.
PATSY: Umm (monotone sounds of paper flipping) the real question is…how much is your health and survival really worth to you? Look at me. I used to be 800 pounds or something. Now I bring all the White Knights to my CAMP…and this midriff? It’s better than yours.
DWELLER: Is she reading a script?
CHAD: No, no…that’s her recipe for uhhh…our special protein shake. Fire up that Mr. JuiceWeasel Pats. She’s going to give you a free sample.
JUICER: Ohhh yeahhhhh. Gimme some of those veggies. Shove them right inside my metal head face.
DWELLER: What’s wrong with that Mr. Handy?
CHAD: Oh, I hotwired the fucker to make him into a blender. He makes the best workout brews.
JUICER: Yeah…you splash that molerat milk all over my moist glass dome.
PATSY: Ummm…can we do something about its voice? It’s freaking me out.
CHAD: Nah…he’s hilarious.
PATSY: How do I turn this thing on?
CHAD: You need to grab hold of that long handle there.
PATSY: This one? He’s….he’s kind of thrusting it at me.
CHAD: Just grab hold of it and crank it up and down.
JUICER: I’M GONNA JUICEEEEE!
DWELLER: What the hell is going on right now?
CHAD: Look little dude…Imma be straight with you. I used to be just like you. Thin as a rail, arms like your Mom’s, an ass like a flapjack. But then I found a secret regimen of tire throwing, bot stretchin’, jump ropin’, scorched treadmill runnin’, dynamic tension technique that turned this green bean body into the majestic tank you see before you. My motto is: Your Pain. My Gain.
ELECTRICAL SHORT AND SPURTING NOISES.
PATSY: Oh, Jesus Christ it’s spraying all over the place. Oh GOD It’s in my eyes! It burns!
CHAD: Just catch as much as you can in that glass pitcher there.
JUICER: I’m all juiced out. Clean yourself up. Hit me up when you want to juice again.
PATSY: This thing is RUDE!
CHAD: Here…try a free sample of our special shake.
DWELLER: (Sputtering) Jesus Christ…what’s in this?
CHAD: Dirty, slightly irradiated water, molerat chunks, molerat milk, blackberries, Brahmin bull milk, whey protein and whiskey…to put a little hair on your chest (laughs).
CHILD’S FOOTSTEPS RAPIDLY APPROACHING.
SUSIE: Chad! Chad! We found ANOTHER kitty!
CHAD: Not now sweet pea, the Chad’s workin’.
SUSIE: Come on! Come on! I wanna show you!
DWELLER: …did…did you say Brahmin bull milk? Oh Christ I think I’m gonna be sick…
SOUNDS OF RUNNING OFF AND VOMITING.
CHAD: Damn it! That was my first catch of the day. That dude was loaded with caps and junk.
ELLA (V.O.): He had NO fanny I’d want to tickle.
SUSIE: But I wanna SHOWWWW youuu NOW!
CHAD: Alright! Alright.
SOUND OF MOANING OF A MAN.
SUSIE: Look! Isn’t he pretty! Ella and I named him Mittens.
CHAD: Yeah that’s a dude in a furry costume with a ball gag in his mouth.
SUSIE: Can we keep him?
MAN STARTS MOANING AND YELLING AGAIN.
CHAD: I dunno…is he housebroken?
SUSIE: Yes! That’s how we found him. We broke into his house while he was sleeping!
ELLA (V.O.): We tickled his fanny with a combat knife! Tee hee!
CHAD: Yeah…I dunno. He’s probably not even fixed. I’ll put him out back with the other one…
SUSIE: Well at this rate…we’ll NEVER get our petting zoo going Ella.
ELLA (V.O.): Life’s a bitch and then your fusion cells run out. Tee hee!
TAPE TRANSITION NOISE.
SIMON (V.O.): Appalachia, November 22nd, 2103…one day to Thanksgiving. It’s been an amazing week here with real progress, some thrills & mysteries and…some…puzzlement. Well firstly, we repaired the doors and windows in the main lodge we’ve been living in. I had been sleeping in a sleeping bag, but Amata had pointed out it was time to get over my fear and sleep in that cursed Pink Princess Bed from the Atomic Shop. I’m glad I did…despite what it…cost me…it is just so comfortable. Jake as per usual, asked if I wanted a skirt to go with it. I reminded him which one of us has a history of cross dressing…
JAKE (V.O.): …dear future me listening back to old holotapes while he drinks. Greetings from November 2103! Well things have been going well here at the resort. I repaired the gas line in the kitchen from the kerosene tank out back with only a few small explosions. The bathroom plumbing however is a no go, so we’ve been using an existing outhouse in the meanwhile. Going to the bathroom at 2am, in the dark walking out to that thing is a fucking nightmare. I…sometimes hear someone screaming from down there…it sounds like a little girl…must be hearing things…
AMATA (V.O.): Entry 11.22.2103. With daily urging, I satisfied Simon’s begging to rig up some kind of filtration system for the swimming pool. The plumbing was a mess, but still essentially functional. I recalled seeing some plans for a water filter back at Scout Camp, so I trekked back there and back again. The challenge of building a water filter large enough to filter that much irradiated water was a real challenge. The challenge was to keep it perpetually regenerating beyond one use. Then: inspiration! I used sonic barriers and some mutated flowers to attract a Honeybeast, one of the giant mutated bees. I rigged up a device that consistently force feeds it glowing fungus as the water pipes flush through its living body through bleached dogwood and steel mesh. Works like a charm! I didn’t know bees could scream…but man oh man there is nothing like ending a long day with a dip in the pool!
SIMON (V.O.): With Thanksgiving approaching, we’ve been busy getting everything ready. Amata has been cooking away, Jake and I have been hunting up what passes for meat around here. We found some shack nearby with some vending machines filled with overpriced garbage. No one was home, so we shot their cow and harvested some amazing steak and roasts. So, the meat course is sorted. The gardening has been really exploding with Amata’s rapid growth strains. We were out there harvesting yesterday and I was just caught up in the moment…noticed Jake kept staring at me when I was bent over. I kept looking over at Amata to get her attention and be like, “What’s up with that?”
JAKE (V.O.): Man, it’s been ages since I’ve had a good cucumber. The stuff growing here naturally is kind of weird…muttfruit whatever the fuck that is. But thank God Amata and someone thought to preserve seeds in the vault. So we’re growing some potatoes, carrots, cucumbers, pumpkin and squash. It’s hard work, but it’s nice being out there doing it together. I…I have to confess something. Amata is…I just see her, really see her now…you know. Maybe because we finally stopped running and being under constant threat for a minute. I was watching her dig out those potatoes…she was all bent over…and well it was pretty great. I need to grow a pair and just tell her how I feel already. It was distracting getting my thoughts together though…I noticed Simon kept looking over at my ass. I wish he’d stop doing that.
AMATA (V.O.): I’ve been cooking up a storm today so we can have a proper banquet tomorrow. I have a lot to be thankful for after the year we’ve been through. But you know what would really make me happy? I wish Simon and Jake would stop staring at my ass.
TAPE TRANSITION NOISE.
SCENE 7: INT. RESORT KITCHEN. COOKING AND CHOPPING SOUNDS.
JAKE: Oh man that smells good! What are you making?
AMATA: No idea. I found this recipe for a Swamp Tofu Soup on the reception desk. Giving it a go. It wasn’t coming out quite right…so I added in some irradiated pumpkin seeds to add a little spice. What’s the worst that could happen?
JAKE: Hey! Watch out there…you’re wielding that combat knife like some kind of spaz. Here. My Mom showed me how to chop and julienne.
AMATA: You? Cooking?
JAKE: Hey…I’ve got some skills. It’s not all charm and sarcasm. I’ll guide your hand. Here see…like this…slow, it’s all in the angle.
AMATA: (Laughs) Get off me…you need two hands to show off your magic knife skills?
JAKE: Hey two hands are better than one for most things.
AWKWARD SILENCE. BREATHING.
JAKE: No…just. Shut up for a minute. I’ve been waiting for 1 year 3 weeks. I’ve thought up scenarios, circumstances, the right moment…the right words. But you know what? There was ALWAYS something to get in the way. When I opened my eyes after coming back from whatever purgatory Hell I ended up at and saw you over me it was just about the happiest I had ever felt. You are amazing.
JAKE: No, you are. You’re brilliant, beautiful and caring. Me? I’m an idiot and a coward. You laid a trail of incredibly obvious clues at my feet for years back in the Vault. All those malteds and long talks. You all but yelled in my face how you felt. So…fuck it. I love you. I’ve always loved you. I’ve loved geeky you, raider and questionable scientist you. I can’t tell you what tomorrow will bring out here…maybe a talking deathclaw or just one fucking car that we can start and drive…but whatever it is, I want to face it with you together.
AMATA: Oh my God! Just shut up already!
KISSING SOUNDS. AWKWARD SILENCE.
SIMON: Amata I think your bee filter creature needs more fungus…oh…okay.
AMATA: I…I’d better go check the grill.
JAKE: God damn it dude…
SIMON: I mean FINALLY I guess, right? I didn’t even think you were interested in her?
JAKE: Of course. I mean…aren’t you?
SIMON: Yes…I mean no, not like…you know what. You get your ass out there and don’t let her run. This is that awkward moment when friends step over a line and it can be something or it can destroy everything. You took a chance…don’t let up. Get out there.
JAKE: Yeah…yeah I’m going to.
SIMON: After all this time. Friends become something more. I’ll be damned…
SCENE 8: INT. CHAD’S ROOM.
CHAD: …and last but not least, is my room that I like to call Casa De Chad. What do you think of the place Vicky?
KAREN: My name is Karen. Who’s Vicky?
CHAD: Oh…uhh…I mean you look like a Vicky. Cuz you’re so…vacious or something.
KAREN: This place you built is pretty amazing. You look like you really made out well for yourself.
CHAD: Yeah I’m pretty great. How about some music?
AWKWARD PORN MUSIC COMES ON.
KAREN: I’ve never heard this song before.
CHAD: Yeah it’s way better over here on my bed. The sound waves or something.
KAREN: The bed’s kind of small…
CHAD: Nah…you’re just the right size. Say…why don’t we stop flapping our jaws. With Thanksgiving just around the corner let me show you a little something I call the 15 Minute Gobbler.
KAREN: Gee I don’t know…we just met. The last time a guy tried to trick me out of my virtues was “Fast Eddie” and we got straight up murdered.
CHAD: You’re safe here.
KAREN: Oh, I suppose just one kiss can’t hurt…
KISSING SOUNDS. SOUNDS OF THUNDERING FOOTSTEPS. WALL EXPLODES OPEN.
CHAD: What in the fuck?!
SUSIE: Now THIS is a kitty!
ELLA (V.O.): It smells like desperation in here tee hee!
CHAD: What the hell is that thing!?!
SUSIE: We found him down by the riverbank. Isn’t he neat? He’s lost all his hair, but he’s got real neat claws. He was a BAD little kitty at first. But Ella and found some of those trading cards and bubble gum and we tamed him real quick!
ELLA (V.O.): I would prefer that he DIDN’T tickle my fanny.
CHAD: Uhhh…I’m not taking that thing out back.
SUSIE: So, can we keep him??
CHAD: You sure that thing is tame and won’t maul you when my back is turned? Or anyone else for that matter?
SUSIE: Sure! See…he purrs and everything. He has this neat hat too! I wonder where he got that from?
CHAD: Okay you can keep him…just be careful okay. And you’re going to need to make sure he gets fed. I’m gonna need to hotwire a bulldozer to move that thing’s crap piles.
SUSIE: Yay! This is gonna be the best Thinksgiving ever!
KAREN: Ummm…that thing is eating my backpack.
SUSIE: Oh I’m sorry, since when can a MATTRESS talk?
KAREN: Excuse me?
ELLA (V.O.): Want to come outside and play with us?
CHAD: Little bit, why don’t you take your ummm “kitty” out back and make a pen for him.
ELLA (V.O.): Let’s build a special maze with our kitty!
SUSIE: That’s a great idea Ella! We could trick people with free supplies. When they go in…we lock the door and we can watch while kitty plays with them!
CHAD: That sound like a plan Stan.
SUSIE: Byeeee! Have fun with that mattress! Let’s go get some sheet metal Ella…we’ve got work to do…
CHAD: Uhhh…sorry about that. Where were we?
KAREN: I think I’d better be getting home. If I’m gone too long my cow Nuka Cowla get sad.
CHAD: Trek all the way back that shack by New River Gorge in the dark? How about you stay here tonight and I’ll walk you back in the mornin’.
KAREN: I guess it is pretty late…but there’s a big hole in the wall…
CHAD: I’ll patch it up later with some wood scraps. Come on…give the Chad some of those tarberry kisses…
KISSING RESUMES. FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.
PUNCH: Oh sure, Punch go all the way to the Pitt land place. Punch offer Moose. Didn’t think too far. Moose map and dir….direc…erections all stupid.
KAREN: Oh my god what the hell is that?
PUNCH: You smell like sweaty meat bag.
CHAD: Whoa what the fuck bro?
FUMBLING FOR GUN.
CHAD: I’m gonna blow your head off you peepin creep.
DOOR BURSTS OPEN.
MOOSE: Whoa whoa! Hold up bro, he’s a friend of mine.
KAREN: (Lustfully) Oh my god, his arms look like tree trunks…
CHAD: This big dude?
MOOSE: Yeah, this is Punch. Pats and I were running with him for a bit before we met up with you again.
CHAD: Why didn’t you say anything about him until now?
MOOSE: I wasn’t sure if you were going to like him.
CHAD: What? He’s built like a green brick shithouse. If he’s a friend of yours he’s cool.
MOOSE: Epic! Punch this is the Chad, we go way back. Bro this is Moose…he’s one mean ass cook and a great dude. Went on one long ass trek up to Pittsburgh to fetch something special we’re working on for Christmas this year.
CHAD: What kind of something special?
MOOSE: It’s a surprise dude! I’m not good with thinkin’, so wait till it’s done. I don’t want anyone goofin’ on us.
PUNCH: Me Punch. Good friend Moose.
CHAD: Fist bump dude. Nice to meet you.
PUNCH: You eating this tiny meat bag Chode?
CHAD: Well I was hoping…no no bro my name is Chad.
CHAD: No it’s Chode.
CHAD: You know what…never mind. Can all of y’all fuck off please? I’m tryin’ to get busy.
PUNCH: When Chode done eating puny human, Punch finish?
CHAD: No! Get out dude.
KAREN: Chad…don’t be rude. You’re one of those supermutants aren’t you?
PUNCH: Yes. Punch…soup…mutant…
KAREN: My, you’re kind of big aren’t you?
PUNCH: Punch eat lots of meat…drink moo moo milk. Lift dumpsters.
KAREN: Wow…I’d love to see that. Can you show me how you lift the dumpsters?
PUNCH: Punch show. Come with Punch.
KAREN: Pass me a boiled water…I’m getting thirsty…
PUNCH: (laughs) Punch like silly little female.
CHAD: Fucking lame dude.
SCENE 9: EXT. NIGHT. CRICKETS CHIRPING.
AMATA: An outhouse halfway across the resort. First thing tomorrow I’m going to get Jake to help me rebuild the bathroom plumbing.
AMATA: Hello? Who’s there?
SIMON: FREEEESSSSSHHHHH MEAAAATTTT. HUNNNNTTTT….EAAATTTTT….
AMATA: S….Simon….? Is that you?
SIMON: KILLLLLLLL (ROARS)
AMATA: No! No! Simon stop!
STRUGGLE. ROLLING IN GRASS.
AMATA: SIMON! NO! IT’S ME! PLEASE!
ROCK HIT TO THE HEAD. SIMON FALLS TO GROUND.
SIMON: (moaning weakly) Ah…..my head…A…Amata? Your arm…are you?
AMATA: Get away from me!
SIMON: Please! I’m sorry…I don’t….I didn’t mean to…what happened?
AMATA: Get the fuck away from me!
SIMON: I…I’m sorry….I need to go…I’m sorry…
SIMON RUNS OFF.
AMATA: No…no wait! Simon! Come back!
SIMON: What have I done? What the FUCK is wrong with me? I can’t do this anymore…I just can’t…I almost killed her. I would’ve killed her…I can’t go back. I can’t go back until I figure out how to be rid of THIS FUCKING CURSE.
A CARRIAGE APPROACHES.
SIMON: What the hell…is that…it’s…it’s a carriage…pulled by…pulled by people with ball gags in their mouths? What in the…
ABRAHAM: Whoa there!
CARRIAGE DOOR OPENS.
SIMMONS: Hello Simon.
SIMON: Mr. Simmons?
SIMMONS: (laughs) This isn’t the Vault and you’re not in school anymore…call me Geoffrey.
SIMON: Sure…whatever…what the hell is up with this carriage?
SIMMONS: Elegant isn’t it? We found it in the remains of an old museum. Horses appear to be extinct not…so we made do.
SIMON: With PEOPLE?! Who are they?
SIMMONS: Let’s just say they are people who tried to take things that didn’t belong to them.
SIMON: That’s…that’s great…look I’d better go. It’s great seeing you.
SIMMONS: You are losing to the hunger, aren’t you?
SIMON: What did you say?
SIMMONS: You’re always hungry. You never stop wanting, craving…wet…hot…juicy meat. Alive…and screaming.
SIMON: How did you…
SIMMONS: There are more of us now than you know. But you are more than just that…my Master will explain. Why don’t you come with me?
SIMON: Ah…not safe…I can barely contain myself anymore…
SIMMONS: It’ll be fine. Come on…I’ve got some whiskey. Have you ever been to the Whitespring?
SIMON: No…heard of it…
SIMMONS: Well we have permanent residence there. Clean rooms, soft beds…hot running water. And lots of people just like us. Our kind. Come…I’ll show you.
SIMON: Running water? What the hell…
SIMON CLIMBS IN CARRIAGE.
SIMMONS: Take us home Abraham.
WHIP CRACKS. CARRIAGE RECEEDES INTO THE DISTANCE. WIND AND SILENCE. NAME CALLING RISES IN VOLUME.
JAKE: He could be anywhere.
AMATA: I…it was a gut reaction. I was scared and hurt. I didn’t mean for him to take off like that.
JAKE: It’s not your fault. We have to find him.
AMATA: Let’s head back home. Get proper equipment. He can’t have gone too far. I’ll never forgive myself if something happens to him.
JAKE: That’s not our problem. Our problem is that we were his anchor. Without that…with no one who cares to pull him back…anything can happen. Come on.
SCENE 10: INT. MORNING. VAULT 69.
ELLA (V.O.) Rise and shine sleepy pie! It’s turkey day! Or whatever passes for turkey these days. Tee hee!
SUSIE: (Yawns) Good morning Ella!
ELLA (V.O.) Morning bitch!
SUSIE: Oh boy Ella! Today we get to go turkey hunting for our num num buffet tonight!
ELLA (V.O.) If I could summon enough energy to work my limbs I’d blow anything that moves away!
KNOCK ON DOOR
CHAD: Wake up little bit! Breakfast is ready! We gotta get a move on.
SUSIE: We’re coming! We’re coming!
OPENS DOOR AND RUNS DOWN HALL.
PUNCH: Bah! This not food. This sawdust in milk.
PATSY: It’s cereal. You eat it.
PUNCH: Punch want steak.
MOOSE: Oh! A steak would be delicious bro! I’ve got you. Let me throw one on the grill.
SUSIE: Good morning! Who are you?
CHAD: This big dude is named Punch.
PUNCH: Me Punch. You tiniest human he ever seen.
ELLA (V.O.): That’s one mean green bastard tee hee!
SUSIE: I’m Susie and this is Ella. Are you our friend?
CHAD: Yeah, he’s part of the crew now. He’s a good dude…a giant cockblocker…but a good dude. He can come in handy.
SUSIE: We’re going HUNTING today Mr. Green Man!
PUNCH: Punch like hunt. Punch like you. You Punch pet. He keep safe.
PATSY: So where are we headed?
CHAD: Moose found a great spot out on the edge of this big cranberry bog. Said it’s a great hunting spot. Setup a blind near some turret-y thing.
SUSIE: Oh I love cranberry sauce! I haven’t had it forever and forever!
CHAD: You and Ella can pick some for us and we’ll make us a sauce when we get home to go with our turkey.
PATSY: In a year I haven’t seen anything remotely like a turkey in the last year. I think they’re extinct.
PUNCH: What turkey look like?
CHAD: It’s like kind of a big bird. Kind of pissed off. Doesn’t like shiny things. Tastes amazing with gravy.
PUNCH: Punch know tookey. Punch hunt lots tookey. Yes…good with gravy. Stuff with mushrooms and some bread. Very tasty in belly. Not as tasty as meat bag humans…but good.
PATSY: Stop looking at me when you talk about eating people.
PUNCH: You tasty. But you Moose’s. He eat you. Not for Punch.
PATSY: Damned straight.
SUSIE: Oh! Chad! Ella and I have a surprise for you!
RUN AWAY. RUN BACK.
SUSIE: Look look!
CHAD: Oh…that’s great sweet pea…what outfit is that?
SUSIE: It’s a Pilgrim! When we were in school a long time ago we used to do dress up for the school play. You can dress up as Mileage Standish and I can be Pocohontas!
CHAD: Uhh…I’m not sure that’ll fit me sweetie.
PATSY: Yeah and Pocohontas wasn’t with the Pilgrims! She was from the 1900s stupid.
ELLA (V.O.) How’d you like to spend Thanksgiving in the oven bitch?
SUSIE: But we made the outfit special for you!
CHAD: Okay…uhh…sure. We’ll all dress up like pilgrims okay?
PATSY: I’m sorry what?
PUNCH: What Punch wear?
SUSIE: Oh! You can wear this old cowhide with some rope for a belt and there’s a stovepipe out back you can wear for a hat!
MOOSE: Here you go dude! Meat’s up!
PUNCH: Oh! Good steak!
MOOSE: There was some Karen looking for you…asking if you were home.
PUNCH: No. Punch hide. One night enough for Punch. Punch play field.
CHAD: This guy gets it.
SCENE 11: EXT. WHITESPRINGS DRIVEWAY. CARRIAGE MOVES ALONG.
SIMMONS: Simon….Simon wake up…we’re almost there.
SIMON: Oh…terrible dreams…
SIMMONS: Welcome…to the Whitespring!
SIMON: Holy…this place is pristine! Look at the grass…and flowers!
SIMMONS: Yes. Amazingly the place was untouched by nuclear fire. The staff however…didn’t make it. But the bots are completely autonomous and kept the place spotless these last 26 years.
SIMMONS: Out we go!
SIMON: Who are all these people?
SIMMONS: Ah! All in good time. First let’s get your badge and club verification.
DOORS OPEN AND CLOSE.
HANDY: Welcome to the Whitespring. The AA1 meeting itinerary is there. Please take a complimentary copy. If you are already enrolled as a member, please locate your pin on the sideboard there.
SIMMONS: We are enrolling and verifying a new member.
HANDY: Name please.
SIMON: Simon. Simon Rex.
SIMON: October 29th, 2081.
HANDY: Parent’s names?
SIMON: Basil and Margaret Rex.
HANDY: Confirmed. Verifying. Patience please. Verifying. Verifying.
SIMON: What’s it doing?
SIMMONS: Accessing Vault-Tec’s mainframe. We found an intact system of detailed biographies and records of all Vault 76 residents, a duplicate…one that the Overseer didn’t know about and destroy like she did the Vault 76 archives. This Handy is verifying your candidacy.
SIMON: Candidacy for what?
SIMMONS: The Apocalyptic Aristocracy.
SIMON: Oh no…not one of those…
HANDY: Verification complete. Simon Rex member 1st standing AA1 enrolled. Access unlocked. All restrictions removed. Benefits activated. Thank you for visiting the Whitespring Lord Rex.
SIMON: Lord what??
HANDY: Your pin is being processed and will be delivered to your room, Suite A119 is assigned as your residence.
SIMMONS: Ah. Perfect. Come on
SIMON: Look what the fuck is going on here. I want some answers…
SIMMONS: Later. Where is the E.A.T.T. Guild meeting?
HANDY: They are in the Charleston Room, 2nd Floor. The meeting is beginning promptly in 2 minutes.
SIMMONS: Let’s go…we need to get a move on.
SIMON: Why did it call me a lord? What is this club anyway?
SIMMONS: How much do you remember about your Dad?
SIMON: I mean he died when I was 10…had a thing for Sugar Bombs which was his undoing…
SIMMONS: And your Mom?
SIMON: I’d rather not talk about her.
SIMMONS: The Aristocracy traces royal lineage by blood. Some of us hold our positions on the blood alone. Your Dad was an English national, Lord Basil Rex. He married outside the royal family to your Mom, a cocktail waitress, and was run out of the country. Came over and founded a luxury apparel line for men called the Appalachia Trading Company.
SIMON: ….I mean what? Mom never said anything…
ABRAHAM: Brothers. Welcome. The Head of the Table will be speaking shortly. Find a chair, pick any chair, but in the choosing your path will be selected.
SIMON: My what?
SIMMONS: Just pick a chair and sit. I’ll be back later. I must attend my Lord.
SIMON: I…okay. Guess I’ll sit here. Why is it so dark in here?
MARY: Well hey there Simon! Fancy meeting you here!
SIMON: Mary Ann Belts? You caught up in this bullshit too? Do you have any idea what’s going on?
MARY: No idea! I thought I was here for open mic night. I brought my ukulele just in case.
SIMON: Kill me now.
FANFARE PLAYS. CLAPPING ALL AROUND.
GRAUL: Thank you brothers and sisters! Welcome to the 1st annual banquet for the Establishment of Appalachia Taste Testers. It has been over a year now since we were cast out of our warm and familiar home into a sometimes harsh and unforgiving world. (Sarcastic) We shall emerge. Oh we SHALL emerge eh? Unprepared….willfully unprepared by the Vault-Tec puppets. But they knew not our calling, our nature and the royal blood that flows in our veins. Unlike our fellow Aristocrats we have a common hunger that both fuels and sustains us. It is a gift we do not run from, but embrace. Alone we are vulnerable…together…we are guild, a pack…strong…and indomitable. Today on this day of Thanksgiving before presentations and a little speech I’ve prepared let us share our plates and our nature. Chef David has prepared some of his finest delicacies. Chef David…LIGHTS PLEASE!
LIGHTS FLICK ON. GASPS AND CHEERS.
SIMON: Oh…my God…those…those are people in cages…
GRAUL: Before he gets started on some of our canapes and passed hors d’oeuvres…let us first select the path keeper for this year. My hat Abraham!
ABRAHAM: Here you are sir.
GRAUL: Let’s see…ah! Red 18. Chair 18?
MARY: Oh that’s you! Lucky! Stand up!
SIMON: Umm…here! I guess…
GRAUL: Excellent! Our newest initiate. Lord Rex everyone! Give him a round of applause.
SIMON: I don’t understand…
GRAUL: Why Lord Rex the path keeper is the one who will led us in the hunt.
SIMON: What hunt?
GRAUL: The Most Dangerous Game of course! Abraham…let’s see this year’s “turkey” eh?
SPOTLIGHT FLICKS ON.
SIMON: Oh my God…Legs…
GRAUL: We’re going to hunt and eat him alive of course. (Laugh) EATT! EATT! EATT! EATT! EATT!
ENTIRE ROOM BREAKS INTO LAUGHTER. EVIL POUNDING OF SILVERWARE ON THE TABLE.
OUTRO MUSIC PLAYS.
KEN: This concludes Episode 9. We’ll be picking up right where left off at the hotel conference from hell in our next episode. Until then…eat hearty. I’ll see you in the Wasteland.