S1E8 Transcript

"The Final Halloween"

These transcripts are for your enjoyment, but please do not reuse, readapt or reproduce without express written permission. ~ Ken


  • Alexander Luthor ~ Chad Johnson
  • Jessica Duval ~ Betsy Wilson
  • Cody Hightower ~ Hugo Warren
  • Paul M. Watson ~ Jake
  • Taylor Jinx Knight ~ Amata
  • Mary Kalopodes-Saunders ~ Overseer
  • Clint Winberry ~ Moose Miller
  • Jessica Dickey ~ Patsy Parker
  • Kevin Chenard ~ The Old Man
  • Christian Mower ~ Boswell (Vault 76 Mr. Gutsy)
  • Kenneth Vigue ~ Simon Rex
  • Joseph Picard ~ Chief of Security Albert Vince
  • Lucy Middlethon ~ Old Lady Simpson


KEN (VO):            This is Kenneth Vigue and I am and always have been in love with Halloween. It could be because I was born on October 29th and every birthday was also a Halloween bash with friends. Or it could be growing up in New England, where every year when the nights grow shorter the leaves turn the color of crimson and the rituals of All Hollow’s Eve are imbued in your very bones. In this episode, we journey back to the final Halloween the gang would spend in the Vault before Reclamation Day. So tonight, as you light your jack o’lanterns and await costumed terrors to emerge from the dark to knock on your door for treats give a listen to the one time Chad and Simon’s gang all walked into a dark and forbidden section of Vault 76 and found more there than darkness. As always, remember that this post-apocalyptic podcast contains some foul language, dark humor and depictions of well warranted violence. You have been warned. Proceed through the Vault Door at your own risk.




SIMON:                Ah…come on…come on…button damn it. God damned pants are too short. I knew I should’ve picked another costume. Well…wait till the last-minute Simon and you get to squeeze your ass into a kid’s costume.


SIMON:                Hang on a second! Come on zipper…


SIMON:                I said wait a second! Trying to get my pants on.


JAKE:                     Hey hey! You ready to get your spook on dude?

SIMON:                Almost…this costume doesn’t fit right. I….what in the HELL are you wearing?

JAKE:                     I’m the Nuka Cola girl. Don’t be jealous of my knee-high boots and rockin’ midriff.

SIMON:                Did…did you shave your chest for that?

JAKE:                     Oh, not just my chest good buddy. I’m like a tarmac…clear runway all the way down.

SIMON:                Gross.

JAKE:                     Leave me alone. It was Amata’s idea. What are you supposed to be? You look like you’re a wet wool suit thrown into a dryer that shrunk to the size of a napkin.

SIMON:                I’m the Bland Banshee…from the comic book. By day I’m Charles Rockwell, millionaire introvert who just wants people to leave him the fuck alone, but my secretary Legs Malone is always dragging me out of the house to solve mysteries. Gimme a second…my underwear’s stuck in my zipper.


HUGO (V.O.):     And that little number was The Cemetery Dance by T.A. Grim. Well this is it, fellow Vault Dwellers, the last Halloween. The very last final time we’ll be Trick or Treating in the warm, dry and clean comfort of ol’ Vault 76 before Reclamation Day. There have been so many memorable Halloweens here. The Ghoul Ball of 2097 where a mysterious chemical caused our buried dead in the sublevels to rise. The Vampire Masquerade of 2089 where some bad Cram triggered an outbreak of mad cannibals…good times…good times. Of course, we’re also seen our share of tragedies. It was 20 years ago this very night that 89 people lost their lives on level 13 when…


SIMON:                There.  Okay…I’m ready to roll. Where’s Amata?


JAKE:                     Setting up the buffet. We’ve got enough food to feed an army of monsters.

SIMON:                You sure your parents are okay with this?

JAKE:                     Yeah…after the disaster of the last few Halloween’s I think they’re just glad to have us inside…safe from whatever nonsense breaks out tonight. They booked out cafeteria #3 and will be chaperoning the door.

SIMON:                Still…a little sad. I know we’re kind of old for it now, but I miss trick or treating.

JAKE:                     Oh sure…when you got the good stuff like…Old Dick candy bars or Lick My Lollies.

SIMON:                Wax Nipples and Tickle My Taffy….

JAKE:                     And then the really shit stuff people handed out. Like pennies, or toothbrushes…

SIMON:                Or those homemade ginger snaps Old Lady Simpson made. Those were terrible. I think they were mixed with concrete.


OVERSEER:          Happy Halloween Vault 76! Overseer here with a few important announcements. Firstly, Security Chief Vince and myself want to express our most EXTREME disappointment at the shenanigans of last night’s so-called “Mischief Night”. We are currently investigating the culprit who replaced Mr. Willard’s heart medication with Psycho. Also, Chad Johnson, defacing the 3rd grade classes jack’ o lantern display by adding a banner that reads… “Jack Off Lanterns” is not funny. I’ll be speaking to you later. Mr. Simmons and Hugo Warren will be broadcasting some classic Halloween themed songs on our radio station all evening. Trick or Treating will be starting promptly at 6pm until 8pm for ages 14 and under only….I mean it, no 18 year olds running around begging for candy. For 14 and older we’ll be screening some great Halloween films in the theater including: Tomb of Amun-Ra, Night of the Fish Man’s Revenge and Nuka-Monster. Popcorn and Nuka Colas will be complementary, so come down and grab a seat early. Have a safe and fun evening! Now, just one final word from Security Chief Vince.

VINCE:                  Thank you Overseer. It has become somewhat of a yearly tradition for some of youngsters to try and break past the security barriers and access Level 13. Level 13 is unsafe, structurally unsound and is off limits. Anyone and I mean ANYONE who my team finds trespassing there will be severely reprimanded. Beyond that, please make sure to extinguish your jack o’lanterns after midnight. The Handy’s will be coming back through and recycling the pumpkins. Be safe and have fun! Happy Halloween!


  1. SIMPSON: Oh you boys look just positively cute in your little costumes.

SIMON:                Thanks Mrs. Simpson.

  1. SIMPSON: Oh, my Jake…that’s ummm…quite revealing.

JAKE:                     Hey…my face is up here.

  1. SIMPSON: Simon dear your underwear is caught in your zipper.

SIMON:                Oh God damn it.

  1. SIMPSON: You boys have fun at your party. Jake dear, your Mom had me make some of my delicious Ginger Snaps.

JAKE:                     Oh gee…that’s fantastic. I do love to attempt to eat those.

  1. SIMPSON: What’s that dear?

JAKE:                     I said I love eating those.

  1. SIMPSON: Well what about your hose? You shouldn’t be talking about things like that. It’s not polite.

SIMON:                Thanks Mrs. Simpson. We’ll see you later now. Come ON Jake.


PATSY:                  The Journal of Patsy Parker continued. Halloween with my baby and I’m soooo excited! Last night we had such a blast for mischief night. We egged windows, toilet papered the trees in the atrium and later Chad made a nice little fire down in sewage reclamation room #5. Moose passed out and it was just him and me. He looked right into my eyes, leaned in close and said those magic words that send my heart spinning, “So it’s not going to take care of itself.” He’s just so romantic you know? Almost 3 years together and he’s just so thoughtful. Last week he told me he only likes to take me from behind because he likes looking at my best feature, the back of my head. I…I really think he’s the one you know? Like you know…but then you know. Tonight, we’re going to sneak some of Security Vince’s rum stash and crash that lame party Jake and that twiggy twit Amata are throwing.


CHAD:                   Hey hey! Creeper Chad comin’ in…hopefully more than once.

PATSY:                  Babyyy! You’re just in time. Um…where’s your pants?

CHAD:                   It’s my costume.

PATSY:                  What costume even is that?

CHAD:                   I’m the Pantsless Horseman. I came back from the dead to roam the halls looking for someone who’ll ride me.

PATSY:                  If the Overseer sees you, she’ll go ballistic. Here…I got you something…wear this. I thought you’d like it!

CHAD:                   What is that? It looks like a towel.

PATSY:                  Yeah I figured you can go as that barbarian guy from the comics. Look, I made you this cardboard ax.

CHAD:                   It’s all droopy. It looks like my old man’s tacklebox.

PATSY:                  Oh it’ll be fine. Do you like my outfit? Guess what it is…

CHAD:                   My favorite tramp in a trench coat?

PATSY:                  No silly! I’m a news flash….watch!

CHAD:                   Oh! Hey hey…look at that…you have newspaper headlines clipped to your headlights and glove compartment. Okay hang on…let me try and wrap this thing around and lose my shirt. Here…gimme those stuffed alligators, gonna wrap them around my calves to make me some fur boots. Hand me those safety pins. There…perfect. I am Chadknackers the Ballbarian

PATSY:                  You look perfect!

CHAD:                   Hey! Before we go down I read about this cool game to play.

PATSY:                  No baby…I’m not falling for that again. It took me forever to get that whipped crème off me.

CHAD:                   No, no come ‘ere. Hit the lights and come in here to the bathroom. There’s this cool new spooky Halloween game going on. I wanted to try it. Here…gimme that candle there.


CHAD:                   Perfect.

PATSY:                  This is spooky…let’s just go.

CHAD:                   No, no it’s fine. Look….face the mirror here. See…we are just the hottest couple in the entire vault. Now look, “Fast” Eddie told me this story the other day but it’s only supposed to work on Halloween or something. Trying to remember how it goes. Uhh…story goes that there was this witch named Mary Worth. She wasn’t like a bad witch, she was like some of fairy godmother or something. She knew all about medicines and stuff, wild herbs and things. Probably could make some grade A giggle weed…but anyway back then before doctors, everyone to her to be healed. The…uh…the ladies didn’t have pharmacies back then, so they went to her for their problems. Except her cures stopped working and one night all the husbands found themselves covered in blood or something. So, they went out, busted into her house and burned her at the stake. As they was burning her, they held up this big mirror for her to see how much of a bitch she was before she died. So now, her soul is trapped in all mirrors…every mirror. On Halloween you can summon her.

PATSY:                  This sounds like a really terrible idea. I don’t know about this…

CHAD:                   Here…look just look in the mirror…stare at me or something. Just don’t look away from the mirror. Now let’s see…oh yeah! Bloody tampon! Say it with me…bloody tampon

CHAD & PATSY: Bloody tampon….bloody tampon…bloody tampon…bloody tampon…bloody tampon….bloody tampon….bloody tampon….bloody tampon….bloody tampon…bloody tampon….bloody tampon.

CHAD:                   Huh…nothing happened.

PATSY:                  No wait…what is that…something is moving back there behind us…getting closer.

CHAD:                   What the hell is that?

PATSY:                  (Frantic) Baby…baby do something!

CHAD:                   Take Pats, I’m too hot to eat!


MOOSE:               (Laughing) Awww dude! Your faces! That was classic. Classic.

CHAD:                   (Laughing) You got us good bro. Up high!


MOOSE:               Nice costume!

CHAD:                   Thanks dude.

MOOSE:               Not you…Patsy! You might want to fix your breaking news headline though. I can see your left ski slope.

CHAD:                   What’s the costume bro? You a cowboy or something?

MOOSE:               Nah dude I’m a ranger. Remember? From that song about Texas Red?

PATSY:                  Where’s your gun?

MOOSE:               Oh, I don’t need one. I’m going to see if Becky wants to see my Big Iron.

CHAD:                   (laughing) Nice. Come on gang…we have a party to crash. Let’s beat feet.


  1. HANDY: Step right up kids! Step right up! I dare you to dip your head beneath the waters and grab yourself a pippin! Bob for as many apples as you can in the fastest time and win yourself this prize bundle for Reclamation Day: extra Perk Trading Cards and for reasons beyond understanding…pink wallpaper! Only the key essentials for survival.

AMATA:               Okay Boswell, let’s do this. I aim to break last year’s record.

JAKE:                     You best not be getting started without us!

SIMON:                Yeah…we want to make sure you don’t cheat.

AMATA:               (laughing) There you two are. I…Jake what the hell are you wearing?

JAKE:                     Nuka Girl. You told me to wear it.

AMATA:               What? No I didn’t…I said I WAS going as Nuka Girl.

JAKE:                     Oh…well…this is awkward.

AMATA:               Oh my God did you shave your chest hair?

SIMON:                It’s okay I chastised him already. Still though…he’s rocking those boots.

JAKE:                     Yes, yes. Ha ha. Still…between the two of us you do look the part more. So you gonna do this or what?

  1. HANDY: 60 seconds on the clock ma’am. Hands behind your back. We can begin when you’re ready.

AMATA:               Okay…wish me luck…I did 18 last year.

SIMON:                Be right back. I’m going to grab some of that Nuka Quantum punch. Don’t wait for me.

  1. HANDY: Readdddddyyyy

JAKE:                     You can do it!

  1. HANDY: Annnnndddd go!



                                APPLE BOBBING!

                                APPLE BOBBING!







GET THOSE APPLES! (Get those apples)

BOB THOSE APPLES! (Bob those apples)

WATCH THAT CLOCK (Watch that clock)



                                APPLE BOBBING!







JAKE:                     Come on Amata! You can do it! Come on! Do it!

SIMON:                Whoa! 9 apples so far! Here’s your punch dude.

CHAD:                   Well, well, well…look at how fast she bobs for apples Pats! You could learn a thing or two from this Amata here when you bob for my applebag.

SIMON:                Oh for fuck’s sake.

JAKE:                     Chad…you WEREN’T invited.

CHAD:                   Yeah I know, but Old Lady Simpson likes watching me walk by. She never gives me any grief.

PATSY:                  Yuck. Amata your ass looks awful from this angle.


AMATA:               (Sputtering) Shut the fuck up Patsy. I’m trying to concentrate. You spend most of your time face down so what the hell do you know?

MOOSE:               Ooooh! Sick burn!

PATSY:                  What did you say to me you bookish cow?

  1. HANDY: Ooooh! I’m sorry…time’s up. 15 apples. You did not break your record. Better luck next year…oh wait…this was the last Halloween here. Ah well.

AMATA:               Damn it…thanks for nothing.

JAKE:                     Just fuck off Chad.

CHAD:                   Ah…it’s no big deal. Hey Jake, I love your hooker boots, I’m not sure who I want to bang more you or Amata here. Did….did you shave your chest hair? What’s wrong with you?

SIMON:                Come on guys, let’s grab some food.

MOOSE:               Are you sure there’s nothing better to do? This party looks dead dude. Hey! I’m going go spike that punch with Dad’s moonshine. This stuff so strong he uses it as floor polish.

BETSY:                   ….so I said to him you can’t have ALL of your S.P.E.C.I.A.L. points in strength. That’ll make you kind of stupid.

  1. HANDY: (Bored) That’s nice…look do you want some punch or not?

MOOSE:               Hey Betsy!

BETSY:                   Oh…hey Moose. What are you supposed to be? A clown?

MOOSE:               Nah. I’m a ranger.

BETSY:                   Oh…mmm…yeah…funny. Is there where you talk about your “Big Iron”?

MOOSE:               Ummm…what?

BETSY:                   You know Moose if you would just talk to a girl normally without treating her like a piece of furniture, she’d probably find you charming. Not all of us what to bang a Chad. If you’ll excuse me, I need to say hi to Amata.

MOOSE:               Uhhh so you wanna see my Big Iron or what?

  1. HANDY: Real smoooooth sir.

MOOSE:               Hey! Look over there Robo Hands! Someone is waving a jug of water threateningly in your direction?

  1. HANDY: WHAT?!


MOOSE:               Oh…looks like they are gone. Give me a swig of that punch dude!


MOOSE:               Holy shit! This stuff is rocket fuel! WOOOO!!!! Why’s my cup melting?

  1. HANDY: Something appears to be happening to the punch…some sort of chemical reaction…

MOOSE:               Uhhh…I need to go over there. Have a good night!

  1. HANDY: What on Earth….

SIMON:                Man, I can’t believe it…this is our final Halloween here. It’s going to be weird not to be have our same traditions. All the Halloweens, the parties, the holotape and chill nights…

JAKE:                     Yeah, it’s going to be different that’s for sure, but we’ll all be together. That’s the important thing. We’ve got the seed corn ready to go thanks to our genetic genius here.

AMATA:               Yeah…about that…the one thing I’m not sure about is the pumpkin seeds. I planted one it sprouted vine tentacles and tried to eat Molly Thatcher. I think it was a problem with the vector I was using. Yuck…this punch is bland as hell.

JAKE:                     Here…squirreled off with some of my old man’s hooch.


  1. HANDY: Oh Jesus Christ! This sticky shit is shorting out my circuits!

SIMON:                What the hell happened over there?

AMATA:               Who cares? Hooo! This stuff has a kick.

JAKE:                     Cheers my friends!

SIMON:                To the three 76ers!


MOOSE:               Happy Halloween! Come on Betsy! Give a guy a chance!

BETSY:                   Moose you’ve been here for 5 minutes and you’re already drunk!

CHAD:                   Lay down some sick vocals my man!

SIMON:                Shut up Chad…

CHAD:                   Hey…eat my candy corn Simon!

MOOSE:               Let’s get this monster party started! Boswell! Hit A13!


MOOSE:               I was working out, late one night

When my eyes beheld Betsy lookin’ tight

My monster from its pants, began to rise

And suddenly to my surprise.

She let me mash, she let me monster mash

The monster mash, I think I’m smashed!

I did the mash, come on’ just give me a flash!

I’d do the mash, I’d do the monster mash


BETSY:                   Enough of that. You’re a pig Moose.

MOOSE:               Oh wait! Betsy! Come on…wait up…

AMATA:               Well that predictable.

  1. SIMPSON: Come on kids! Over here, over here in the kitchen. It’s time to play a little game!

CHAD:                   Come on Pats, let’s go see what that old bat’s up to.

  1. SIMPSON: That’s right…crowd in…everyone crowd in.

JAKE:                     Why’s the light off?

  1. SIMPSON: Well hang on, it gets better when the lights are out.

SIMON:                Oh fantastic. Yes let’s turn the light out. Oof…I think this drink is going right to my head.

AMATA:               Don’t me tell about it. (Slurred)

JAKE:                     Oh you’re a lightweight kitten.

AMATA:               Don’t you don’t me when I’m talking. Man…you’ve got a great ass.

SIMON:                Whoa…hello…

  1. SIMPSON: Now…closing the door. Everyone stay real still.

PATSY:                  (Screams) Something’s grabbing me!

CHAD:                   Oh…sorry. Couldn’t resist.

  1. SIMPSON: Hush. I have a story to tell you. Now I’m sure you’ve all heard the legends about Level 13. You were all too small or not even born yet, but I was there…I was there the night it happened. 20 years ago, this very night. Halloween. When Vault-Tec selected the best and brightest for this Vault, Level 13 housed our born leaders…not politicians, oh no. While the Overseer’s job was to lead us in the Vault, the people on level 13 were the ones who were going to lead us out into Appalachia. Or…they would have. No one is quite sure how it happened, but a gas pipe must’ve been damaged accidently or was meddled with on purpose. Just after 6:00pm, they all stepped out of their homes…all decorated with paper bats and festive spooky décor. The trick or treaters from other levels were on their way down. Then…they lit their pumpkins. There was a massive explosion.

CHAD:                   Well…that blows. (Laughs) Get it…

SIMON:                Shut up Chad.

JAKE:                     Shut up Chad.

AMATA:               Chad up (drunkenly)

  1. SIMPSON: The walls and ceiling collapsed. By the time personnel responded they could only recover 12 bodies with dozens and dozens missing. One week later a total of 89 people were declared dead, buried under rubble. It was later discovered that one of the 12 bodies recovered went missing. Well just the other day as I was cleaning a long-forgotten storage cabinet….and discovered a Withered Corpse.

CHAD:                   Give that dude a good rub Mrs. S, it’ll plump right up.

PATSY:                  I would’ve punched that thing like right in the face. I don’t like that spooky crap.

  1. SIMPSON: Now come over here…towards my voice. Here, Simon…where are you cutie? Come…put your hands in this…this…is his brain, which feels no pain.

SIMON:                Oooo…spooky! That’s a tomato.

  1. SIMPSON: Now you Jake, come on over here. Here are his eyes, frozen in surprise.

JAKE:                     Oh gross…what is that? Grapes?

  1. SIMPSON: Now Chad, come on over here. Here is his heart, nevermore to start!

CHAD:                   I don’t what this is lady, but I’m wiping it off on your dress. Nasty.

  1. SIMPSON: Amata? Come on over here dear.

AMATA:               Who’s Amata?

  1. SIMPSON: Over here. Yes…here…here is one hand all alone, rotting flesh and bone.

AMATA:               That is…what is that. It’s kind of squishy. Oh gross it’s moving! It’s moving!

SIMON:                What?

JAKE:                     Hit the lights!

AMATA:               CHAD! That’s disgusting.

  1. SIMPSON: Oh my…

CHAD:                   Don’t stop I’m almost finished.

PATSY:                  That’s NOT funny.

CHAD:                   Damn right it was.

JAKE:                     Come on….let’s get out of here. I think party girl here has had enough fun for one evening.

SIMON:                Nah hang on….she needs a little shot of Addictal.


AMATA:               Oh…my head. I’m fine Jake, stop pawing me.

JAKE:                     Okay, okay.

AMATA:               I am NEVER drinking again.

SIMON:                Look around. This is it…this time next month this place will be shut down…life support…lights out. Just left and we’ll be out there to whatever awaits. I guess I was hoping our Final Halloween would be a little more memorable. Instead we got the usual dick jokes from Chad and sexual harassment from Moose.

AMATA:               Well…and it could be that still buzzing…but why don’t we go check out level 13?

JAKE:                     Are you insane? What if we get caught?

AMATA:               We won’t. Let’s go.

SIMON:                Just for the record…this is a terrible idea.

MOOSE:               Hey hey…where’d you guys go?

PATSY:                  We played a stupid party game and this one thought it would be funny to whip it out.

CHAD:                   Aww come on…don’t be mad. Hey look…let’s go make some more mischief. Had a great idea of how we could scare that lame Simon and his friends. Come on…let’s tag after them.


SIMPSON:           Watch your step…this place doesn’t look very safe. At least Vince wasn’t lying about that. What a mess. Hey what do you think about what Mrs. Simpson said? Do you think it was accident or did someone do it on purpose?

JAKE:                     Why would anyone murder 89 people?

AMATA:               Well…if you wanted to manipulate the survival situation, you take out the natural leaders early that could be a threat to you. You either destroy what they stand for, or you simply kill them off early. That is…IF it was murder to begin with. Maybe we can find some clues.

SIMON:                Hang on….it gets tight here.

JAKE:                     Oh I’ll bet.

SIMON:                Shut up dude…here…you’re gonna have to squeeze through this gap.

JAKE:                     Ah…damn…we’re going to lose our jet packs Amata.

AMATA:               You mean my painted vacuum cleaner.

SIMON:                Hey! Once you squeeze through it opens up in here. This hallway isn’t too badly damaged.

JAKE:                     Oh…crap…I’m stuck. My buckle’s caught on this metal.

AMATA:               Hang on…

JAKE:                     (laughing) Stop it that tickles.

AMATA:               You wait till your hair starts growing back. You’re going to be itching like hell. There!

JAKE:                     Hey…you’re right. Look at all these pumpkins...

AMATA:               That’s…impossible.

SIMON:                What?

AMATA:               It’s been 20 years. These look freshly carved.


SIMON:                What…the fuck. They’re lighting themselves. HOW ARE THEY LIGHTING THEMSELVES!?

JAKE:                     Back! Back! Let’s get the fuck out of here now!

AMATA:               There’s…something behind us! It’s some hooded figure and it’s got a knife!

SIMON:                Run! Run! This way!


JAKE:                     Through here…

SIMON:                What is that? Is that a light? There’s a light on in that window…

AMATA:               Go in! Hurry! It’s coming!


JAKE:                     It won’t open!

SIMON:                No…no…no…I don’t want to die a virgin…

JAKE:                     Get behind me! Take me! Take me!

MOOSE:               (laughing) Sorry bro. You’re not my type. You’ve got the wrong parts.

SIMON:                MOOSE! What the fuck?

CHAD:                   Oh that was classic.

PATSY:                  You should’ve seen your faces. You will…I took lots of pictures. You thought we were ghosts? How retarded are you? There’s no such things as ghosts.


F MAN:                 Good evening.

PATSY:                  (Scream)

F MAN:                 I was just settling in when I heard a commotion out here. I didn’t think anyone came down here anymore. I had all these treats ready.

SIMON:                What…what are you doing down here? They condemned this level.

F MAN:                 Oh well I like the peace and quiet. It’s too loud on other levels, so I make my home here. It’s nice and quiet. Yes very quiet.

CHAD:                   What kind of treats you got dude? If you’re handing out toothbrushes….

MOOSE:               We’re going to toilet paper the shit out of you.

F MAN:                 No, no. I always HATED those kinds of treats. No I have peanut butter fudge, some candy apples, some mulled cider…the usual sorts.

AMATA:               I’ve never had mulled cider…

PATSY:                  I dunno baby…

CHAD:                   Oh come on Pats. It’ll be fun.

F MAN:                 Come in, come in. Don’t mind the mess. I don’t clean up often. Don’t get many visitors. Not anymore.

MOOSE:               Mmm…this peanut butter fudge is the tits old man! You rock.

F MAN:                 Well we all have our rituals. No one ever comes, but I make the same spread every Halloween since I lose Alma all those years ago. She did love Halloween. We all have our rituals throughout the year, but these is something so special about Halloween. When the veil gets thin and you can peek on through.

AMATA:               In ancient times it was believed that this time of year the veil between worlds was the thinnest. The spirits of the departed could come and go freely between worlds at this time, so people would dress up to frighten off malevolent entities and carve jack o' lanterns to ward them away from houses.

F MAN:                 But they are rituals? Or superstitions…acts that we do because we fear not doing them? Ah! Ah ha! That’s it, I think.

SIMON:                So many of our traditions come from Celts, an entire culture built around magic and divination.

F MAN:                 That’s right my boy…but your friend here missed an important fact. Those Ancient Celts were also headhunters. They would brutally hack away and claim the head of their enemies. They believed that claiming that head, claimed the soul…trapped forever by their killer. They proudly displayed their trophy heads to frighten away evil spirits. In form, that’s where the tradition or superstition of jack o’lanterns came from.

AMATA:               Later in England and Ireland the heads were replaced with turnips. They light and set them on windowsills to keep the house safe.

CHAD:                   Oh my god dude…all this learning is soooo fucking borning.

F MAN:                 Not a fan of the learning my boy? You should be…if you don’t listen and learn…you are doomed to death by ignorance.

MOOSE:               Oh my God! This candy apple is so fucking good! Mind if I eat 5 more?

F MAN:                 No, no…help yourself. I can’t eat them myself.

PATSY:                  What a stupid name. Jack o’lantern.

F MAN:                 Well the name comes from an old story. Since your barely clothed friend here is bored with history…let’s tell some stories. Oh I miss when the trick or treaters would come here our tales! Now let’s see…once there was a man named Jack. Jack was not a good man in life. After his death when he walked up to the pearly gates, Saint Peter told man

CHAD:                   Fuck off Jack off?

F MAN:                 Ummm..no. He said leave…you are purged from heaven. Well Jack was hurled from the firmament down into the firey pits of Hell. There, he was welcomed by the Devil. After a very brief time however Jack became so obnoxious, so irritating that the Devil had enough of him. Well the Devil couldn’t exactly kill the dead and any hellish torture only thrilled Jack, so the Devil gave him a lantern. He cast Jack into the void…an unending journey lit only by that lantern. Wandering…wandering…

PATSY:                  He should’ve had a PipBoy. Seriously…who uses lanterns anymore? Gag me with a spoon.

F MAN:                 Well come on then let’s hear some stories…what about you boy? Or whatever you identify as…

JAKE:                     I’ve liked the one about the yellow ribbon. Now let’s see. There once were two childhood sweethearts: Johnny and Jane.

CHAD:                   Johnny and Jane? Seriously original.

AMATA:               Shut up Chad! Let him tell his story.

JAKE:                     For as long as Johnny could remember Jane always wore a yellow ribbon around her neck. When he was young though, as you do, he barely noticed. As they grew older it started to bother Johnny. He ask her, “Why do you wear that yellow ribbon Jane? Why?” She always refused to tell him. Well time wore on, they feel deep in love…married and had a family. Every now and then Johnny would ask and she would tell him she’d tell him one day. Many years passed and Jane grew sick. As Johnny sat cradling her hand on her deathbed she smiled at him and said, “Oh Johnny…you’ve been patient. Go ahead…untie the ribbon.” With shaking hands Johnnie untied the knot and removed the ribbon. Jane’s head fell off…and tumbled unto the floor.

MOOSE:               That’s stories dumb dude! If Johnny was railing her hard enough her head would’ve fallen off  a long time ago.

F MAN:                 Yes, yes…that’s a good one. Lost love…secrets and commitment. It’s funny what we do for love isn’t it? Love endures…even in death. Death is always waiting isn’t it? When you are young like you…it seems a distant and former thing like a shadow under tree on a hill far away. But can arrive sooner than you think…some of you may not see the next Halloween.

AMATA:               There’s always the Welsh test.

JAKE:                     The what?

AMATA:               The Welsh test. In ancient times Welsh families would gather at this time of year and build a huge bonfire. They’d collect small white stones and mark them with their own mark and toss them in before lighting the fire. The next morning they’d search the remains to find the stones. If one was missing it meant that person wouldn’t live to see another Halloween…

SIMON:                Well that’s delightfully morbid.

CHAD:                   Okay, okay…my turn. I’ve got a great scary story.

SIMON:                Oh this will be good.

CHAD:                   There was a guy named Blunt…

MOOSE:               Yeah there was! He had all the good smokes bro.

CHAD:                   Well Blunt and his wife owned a butcher shop. Their shop wasn’t doing so good because his wife was a real bitch and was always scaring away the customers. Well finally one night the two of them arguing over money. His wife wanted to buy a new Corvega or something. So that Butcher Pete song was on and Blunt figured, What the Fuck? He hacked her up but then he didn’t know what to do with her body. So he decided he’d make up some sausage with her and sell it to his customers. Well they loved it and his business started doing real good. He even got laid because all the dames wanted his hot sausage. Well he raised some pigs and stuff, but those sausages weren’t as people. So one day this dumb guy came in and started complaining about the weather without buying anything, so Blunt off and killed that fucker and tossed him into the grinder. Slowly people started going missing, dogs, cats. Everything was going great until this big fat kid who complained he was gluten intolerant but was really just a fat ass got away before being offed. He told everyone what was going on and an angry mob stormed Blunt’s shop and put HIM in the grinder. That was the end of him…which is a shame because Simon would’ve loved to gobble his sausage up real good.

SIMON:                God damn it Chad…

F MAN:                 Yes…cannibalism there, the ultimate taboo. But also murder…Blunt slipped just once and it got easier and easier didn’t it? Some lines once crossed lead to sliding slope into an abyss that will change you forever.

JAKE:                     Say…change of topic, but do you know what happened down here?

AMATA:               Yeah…we’ve all sorts of stories. Accident or tampering with the gas line.

F MAN:                 Oh yes…that day. The terrible day…20 years ago. Time is funny isn’t it? A season passes and with each year added on to the book of your life it all goes fast and faster…like the sands of an hourglass. I was there you know.

PATSY:                  Where where? You were here? I thought everyone got blown up.

F MAN:                 Yes, I was there that night. We had just finished putting that glistening crimson coating on those juicy apples. I looked out the window there and saw someone running by and down the hallway there, looking back over their shoulder. A few minutes later, I stepped outside with our freshly carved pumpkin. I placed a candle inside its pulpy inside…took out my trusty lighter and flicked. And then nothing.

AMATA:               Well what happened? Did you get blown clear?

F MAN:                 I must’ve been. I don’t remember. Eventually I healed and woke up.

MOOSE:               Oh…what the fuck dude?! There’s worms in these apples! I’m going to fucking puke! (Vomit)

JAKE:                     Oh shit…look at the time it’s almost midnight. If Vince makes his rounds and we’re not tucked in they’re going to come looking for us.

CHAD:                   Come on Pats, Moose let’s beat feet. If we hurry back we can watch Betsy Bangs Boston on my Dad’s TV. You ready to do something unholy Pats?

PATSY:                  Oh…he’s so romantic…

SIMON:                Hey thanks for the treats and everything.

JAKE:                     Yeah…have a great night. Nice meeting you.

F MAN:                 Just one more thing…I have never seen that face again…I’ve wandered these halls and never seen it again. But he had a scar in the shape of a crescent beneath his right eye. He MURDERED our leaders…our leaders to be…

AMATA:               We won’t forget. We’ll keep an eye out. Have a Happy Halloween!

F MAN:                 You too! Happy Halloween!


F MAN:                 Nice kids…most of them anyway. It was nice having visitors after all this time.


F MAN:                 Well…my time is up my dear. I hope we find each other one day. It’s been soooo long. Soooooo lonnngggg. Yesssss soooo longggg.



HUGO:                  Well gang, the stroke of 12 means this Halloween, this final Halloween is over. As you tuck yourself into bed tonight, even though you’ve put out jack o’lantern…light a candle and keep it close. The veil is thin…and the unseen things are closer tonight then they will ever be on any other night of the year. Before I sign off I want to leave you with one of my favorite poems by Hughes Mearns:

                                                Yesterday, upon the stair,

                                                I met a man who wasn’t there

                                                He wasn’t there again today

                                                I wish, I wish he’d go away

                                                When I came home last night at three

                                                The man was waiting there for me

                                                But when I looked around the hall

                                                I couldn’t see him there at all!

                                                Last night I saw upon the stair

                                                A Little man who wasn’t there

                                                He wasn’t there again today

                                                Oh, how I wish, how I wish he’d go away…


Sleep tight 76.