These transcripts are for your enjoyment, but please do not reuse, readapt or reproduce without express written permission. ~ Ken
CAST & VOICE TALENT
- Alexander Luthor ~ Chad Johnson/Bully
- Kenneth Vigue ~ Simon Rex / Butch Miller
- Jessica Duval ~ Susie/Ella/Karen
- Paul M Watson ~ Jake
- Taylor Jinx Knight ~ Amata
- Morgan Brown ~ Karen Maidenhead
- Michael T. Boisvert Jr. ~ “Fast Eddie” Tipsin
- Cody Hightower ~ Jim
- Ariel Driver ~ Susan
- Clint Winberry ~ Moose Miller
- Peter Anthony Buxton ~ Scoutmaster Stewart
- Christian Mower ~ Mr. Handy / Vendorbot
- Jorian Koeten ~ Insult Bot
- Jessica Marie Dickey ~ Patsy Parker / Mary Ann Belts
- Mary Kalopodes-Saunders ~ Overseer
- Mitch Morman ~ Radio Host, Workshop Willy
- Ray Middlethon ~ Commander Connor Johns
- Lucy Middlethon ~ Lt. Anders
- Brandon Ledford ~ Officer Hawkins
- Mark Hauswirth ~ Brian
- Logan Hauswirth ~ Ghoul Scout #1
- Sophie Hauswirth ~ Ghoul Scout #2/Becky
- Robert Solomon ~ High Priest of the Reformed Orthodox Bulb Bringers
KEN: This post-apocalyptic podcast contains some foul language, dark humor and depictions of well warranted violence. You have been warned. Proceed through the Vault Door at your own risk.
SCENE 16: INT. CABIN F13.
BRIAN: Lights out fellow counselor. Good night.
SIMON: Yes…yes. One last thing to do. Good night. Appalachia Day 75 continued. A long and exhausting day. The camp property is actually fairly large and despite my misgivings, there is something satisfying of ending a day tired. Not the kind of tired from lack of sleep, but a kind of honest tired from toiling through the day. I am still not exactly thrilled to be here, but the surprise of Jake reappearing, no longer dead and forgotten and Amata has changed my whole outlook. Spending time with them today and tonight was just like old times. That’s the hallmark of real friends. It doesn’t matter how much time passes, you fall right back in sync…just like putting on a comfortable old sweater. The three 76ers. All this talk of the Sickleman has me uneasy…and I feel a curious sense of dread. The woods around this place feel…bad. Like things are waiting, watching in the dark places beneath thicket and in shadow. Tomorrow the kids arrive. Then…well we’ll see, won’t we?
SIMON STOPS RECORDING. GETS ADJUSTED ON THE BUNKBEAD. SPRINGS SQUEELING A LITTLE. THERE IS SILENCE WITH CRICKETS CHIRPING. THEN A RHYTHMIC SQUEELING OF BEDSPRINGS ABOVE HIM.
SIMON: God damn it…
SCENE 17: EXT. WOODS CLEARING.
CMDR. JOHNS: 10-86 to Dispatch.
CMDR. JOHNS: Any word from Officer Hawkins? I can’t get him on comms.
ANDERS: Not a word. Should we 10-65 and have responders…umm…respond?
CMDR. JOHNS: No…not yet. He’s probably off raiding the coolers again. It’s cute that he thinks I don’t know.
ANDERS: Yeah, you never could get him converted to caffeine and glucose. Hold on…we’re getting a 10-70 at the Old Miller farm.
CMDR. JOHNS: 10-4. I’ll head over there.
CMDR. JOHNS: Yeah?
ANDERS: Be careful hun.
CMDR. JOHNS: 10-4.
SCENE 18: EXT. MORNING. BIRDS SINGING. BUGLE HORN BLASTS OVER COMMS.
SIMON: Ah! Jesus I’m up! I’m up! What the hell time is it?
BRIAN: 5am on the dot fellow counselor! Up and at ‘em!
SIMON: Umm…have you been standing there, fully dressed watching me sleep?
SIMON: Okay…how about you do you. You’re creeping me out.
BRIAN: Don’t forget to hit the showers!
SIMON: Yeah okay. Need to visit the outhouse first.
SOUNDS OF GETTING DRESSED. SCREEN DOOR SLAMS. WALKING IS HEARD.
SIMON: 5am…forget what I said last night. This place sucks. Oh good lord…what a horrible smell…
WOODEN DOOR SLAMS SHUT.
SIMON: Months out here and I still miss proper plumbing and a toilet that wasn’t gross.
WOODEN DOOR SLAMS SHUT AT LEFT. NOISES ARE HEARD.
SIMON: Reading material? Grognak the Barbarian in the Valley of the Sirens…nice.
A FART NOISE IS HEARD OFF TO THE LEFT. FOLLOWED BY A SLOW LOUD ONE.
SIMON: Hey…you mind trying to keep it down over there? These outhouses are made of wood scraps.
A QUIET CRYING NOISE IS HEARD.
SIMON: What the…
QUIET WHISPERING NOISE. THE KILLER NOISE IS QUIETLY HEARD.
SIMON: Hey you okay over there?
A SLASHING NOISE IS HEARD AS THE SICKLE SMASHES THROUGH THE WALL.
SIMON: Jesus fuck!
HE CRASHES OUT OF THE OUTHOUSE IN A RUN, PANTS AROUND HIS ANKLES.
SIMON: Help! It’s the Sickleman! The son of a bitch is real! Someone help!
STEWART: …and campers here at Camp Wannagrindalot we pride ourselves on instilling the kind of virtues that will shape you throughout your…
SIMON: Help me! It’s after me!
CHILDREN START LAUGHING AT SIMON’S PARTIAL NUDITY.
STEWART: Pull your pants up counselor!
BRIAN: What’s going on? Oh dear…
SIMON ZIPS AND BUCKLES HIS PANTS.
SIMON: Listen to me…someone just tried to chop my god damned head off.
BRIAN: Harmless pranks are part of the authentic summer camp experience.
JAKE: What happened?
SIMON: I was doing my business…someone went into the outhouse next door and then wham…a SICKLE right through the wall.
JAKE: Holy shit.
SIMON: See for yourself.
WOODEN DOOR IS OPENED.
BRIAN: See what?
SIMON: What the hell..
JAKE: There’s nothing there…the wall is fine.
AMATA: Hey! Simon! I just heard…you okay?
SIMON: No…what do you mean? It went right through the wall.
BRIAN: Well camper…I think one of us should’ve gotten a better night’s sleep.
SIMON: Well I would’ve BRIAN but someone was feeding the ducks above me.
SIMON: Look I know what I saw. These things are made of wood scraps. Someone must’ve repaired the wall. I mean I’ve rebuilt a whole house in just a few minutes. Don’t get me started on how that makes sense…
JAKE: Well…this is slightly worrying.
BRIAN: Let’s go counselors. We have campers to meet and a schedule to keep.
FOOTSTEPS RECEEDE AWAY.
SIMON: I don’t trust that guy.
JAKE: Well clearly something happened. Hang on…what this?
AMATA: It looks like…poo?
JAKE: No…smell it.
AMATA: I’m not smelling that.
JAKE: It’s apple butter. My mom was nuts for the stuff. She used to make some with Dandy Boy apples, but she always said you can’t beat the real deal made with real apples.
SIMON: Apple butter? Looks like we found a clue gang.
AMATA: Yeah, that’s not all…more of the staff are missing. Karen, Butch, Joe, Leah and Jack. That’s 5 people in less than 24 hours. Something is going on here.
SIMON: Look…let’s keep it tight-lipped for now. I need time to think…and shower. Let’s meet up later at lunch.
SCENE 19: EXT. MOUNTAIN TRAIL.
SIMON: Okay Grizzlies! Almost to the ledge…pick up the pace.
GHOUL #1: I think I’m going to puke.
SIMON: Well that’s all part of the experience kid.
GHOUL #2: What is this for again?
SIMON: Athletics Badge? Pain Badge? Bleeding Blisters Badge? Don’t know. Don’t care.
GHOUL #1: You’re terrible at this.
SIMON: Tell me something I don’t know.
GHOUL #2: We should sing a cheery hiking song! My Daddy says it’s part of the authentic scouting experience.
SIMON: Whatever you want kid I just want to go to the top and back to camp so I can take a ridiculously cold shower while fending off dumpster sized mosquitoes. Also…an authentic scouting experience.
GHOUL #1: Everywhere we goooo!
GHOUL #2: Everywhere we goooo!
GHOUL #1: People wanna know!
GHOUL #2: People wanna know!
GHOUL #1: Where we alla come from!
GHOUL #2: Where we alla come from!
GHOUL #1: We always tell them!
GHOUL #2: We always tell them!
GHOUL #1: Wanna wanna grindalot!
GHOUL #2: Wanna wanna grindalot!
SIMON: Hiking and singing songs make we wish for a nuclear winter.
GHOUL #1: Hey! What’s that?
SIMON: Looks like an old Corvega.
GHOUL #2: Wow…you can see everything from up here.
GHOUL #1: Look…tracks…let’s consult the Ghoul Scout Handbook.
SIMON: I’ll save you some time. You won’t see Yao Guai’s wearing size 9’s. Or…blood…and a lot of it.
GHOUL #2: The Ghoul Scout Handbook’s guide to blood splatter and oxidation says….4 days old!
SIMON: What the hell kind of handbook is that?
GHOUL #1: What’s that?
SIMON: Get behind me…
CRASH IN THE UNDERBRUSH.
CHAD: Well, well, well…
SIMON: Oh shit…
GHOUL #2: Language!
CHAD: Simon, Simon, Simon. I’ve been waiting to catch up with you. I didn’t figure it would be this early, but here we are. I was just scouting bang spots for some of these sweet counselors and I stumble on you.
SIMON: I knew that head of yours was thick, but I didn’t figure you could take a shotgun blast at point blank range and wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed. But then…no one stays dead here do we?
CHAD: Nope. Wasn’t dead dude. Your aim sucks. I had a friend who just happened to be walking by.
SIMON: Unlucky friend. Moose? I’d love to say hello for old times sake.
CHAD: Nah…she, but you won’t see her coming.
GHOUL #1: Ummm…I need to do number 2. Can we go back to camp now?
CHAD: Not yet little scab, we’re going to do some athletics training up here. Right on the ledge…
SIMON: So we’re doing this now?
CHAD: I never look a gift horse in the ass.
SIMON: (Sighs) God you’re an idiot….right…let’s
CMDR JOHN: What’s going on here?
GHOUL #2: Oh! It’s the nice policeman! The one with the ice cream!
CMDR JOHN: Hey kids…behaving?
GHOUL #1: Yes sir!
CHAD: Just catching up with old friend officer. No problems here.
SIMON: Yeah…we were just leaving, right kids?
GHOUL #2: Yay! Going down is better than going up.
CHAD: This kid gets it.
SIMON: I’ll be seeing you later.
CHAD: Oh you know it dude.
CMDR JOHN: So you must be Chad. I’ve been hearing some interesting rumors going around.
CHAD: Ask any lady in a 100 mile radius and she’s had a taste of the Chad.
CMDR JOHN: No, no. Not those kind of rumors. Stolen goods, a questionable gym…and some other missing persons cases over towards Flatwoods.
CHAD: It’s all good chief. I keep my nose clean.
CMDR JOHN: Yes…you do that. Because I’ll be watcing.
CHAD: Everyone watches me when I walk away bro.
SCENE 20: INT. GIRLS CAMP
- HANDY: Next. Next in line please.
SUSIE: What’s that on your head Mr. Handsy?
- HANDY: It’s a fishnet ma’am. We have to be sanitary when serving food.
SUSIE: Ohhhh. What’s for num nums tonight?
- HANDY: A cup of Mutant Hound Stew, Smoked Mirelurk Fillets, with yummy nummy Gulper Slurry, a Mud Cookie for desert and a nice glass of bug juice.
SUSIE: What’s bug juice?
- HANDY: Juice from bugs. Move along please.
ELLA (V.O.): This place sucks. Tee hee!
SCENE 21: INT. BOYS CAMP
JAKE: Well…some things never change. This food is just as awful as what I’ve been eating for months.
AMATA: I think mine is still moving. Ugh…I’m not hungry. So first day on the job as a lifeguard was going pretty good for a while anyway. One of the kids went pass the floating fence and into the reeds and got dragged off by a mirelurk.
SIMON: Well that’s kind of terrible.
AMATA: Yeah, but she said I looked fat in my outfit…so whatever.
JAKE: Hey…Simon…so how’ve you been handling the cravings so to speak?
SIMON: Well I try not to think about it for one thing…but thanks for bringing it up.
SIMON: It’s fine. Every other night I wait until that tool Brian conks out and sneak out and chase down some scorched…and there was that one incident with some guy who said he was with the Talon Company…whatever that is. I’ve been careful.
AMATA: Gross…why don’t you just undo what you did Jake?
JAKE: I’ve tried 5 times already. I can’t even undo whatever I did to me. Still haven’t got the hang of these perk card genetic manipulators yet.
AMATA: I’ll do some digging…the last thing we need is for you guys to get caught.
JAKE: Anyway, so I did some digging on my break in the Scout Leader’s office and found some pretty weird stuff. Old newspaper clippings, old photos with circles over people’s heads. So this Sickleman story? It checks out. Found all the old articles about the dispute between Ol’ Man Miller and the Worrells and then the reports after the murders. But here’s the interesting part. Before it was the burnt out wasteland you see today it was an orchard.
SIMON: The apple butter on the floor of the outhouse.
AMATA: Right…so when the opportunity presents itself I think we need to scope out that old farmhouse. Maybe a kitchen or root cellar.
BRIAN: What are you guys talking about?
JAKE: How we’re looking forward to getting our merit badges chief!
BRIAN: Well…keep working on it fellas!
AMATA: We’ll need to wait for the right moment. That weirdo is always watching us.
SIMON: So…we wait.
SCENE 22: EXT. GIRLS CAMP FIRE RING.
SOUNDS OF FIRE CRACKLING.
CHAD: There I was…in the dark. No clothes. Cold…sweat glistened on my chiseled body, yet totally drained of life. I slowly I rolled over and there it was. Smiling at me…all teeth and dark eyes. It opened its mouth. I’ll never forget its words…they haunt me still. It said, “So…would you like to meet my parents?” (SCREAMS)
OTHER GIRLS SCREAM.
CHAD: I ran the hell out of that house in the buff and never looked back. Some say she’s still out there…the one-night stand who just won’t quit.
SUSIE: That story was stupid.
ELLA (V.O.): I love scary stories. One day someone will tell one about me! Tee hee!
- HANDY: Okay campers. That’s enough scary stories for one night. Lights out in 15 minutes!
CHAD: Come on little bit, let’s grab some shut eye. Tomorrow we’re gonna start grinding those merit badges.
SUSIE: Do I have to? It seems an awful lot of work for just a backpack.
CHAD: Yeah I know, but what else do we have to do?
SCENE 23: INT. BOYS CAMP
SIMON: Appalachia, Day 83. 90 degrees at night…and ewww. It’s been a week now since beginning my life as a camp counselor. I’ve hiked, attempted to survive an aerial obstacle course, got poison ivy on my…cash and prizes (don’t ask), fended off 5 yao guai’s, and taught 8 kids how to make a wallet out of yao guai hide. Things have been…quiet. The disappearances suddenly stopped, which you think would make me feel better…but in fact it makes me feel worse. It’s like the eye of the storm, perfectly calm and then the second front hits, worse than the first and it all goes to hell. At any rate, yesterday both camps fought our way into and took over Mama Dolce’s old packaged goods factory to get access to the ovens for our Ookie Cookie Cookoff. Tomorrow we’re leading teams out into the surrounding area to sell them. What could possibly go wrong?
RECORDING STOPS. BLANKETS ARE PULLED UP. SILENCE AND THEN SQUEEKING BEDSPRINGS ABOVE.
SIMON: Oh for Christ’s sake…
SCENE 24: EXT. HOME. KNOCKING ON THE DOOR IS HEARD. DOOR IS OPENED.
PRIEST: Yes? What is it?
GHOUL #1: Ghoul Scouts sir.
PRIEST: Do you come bearing bulbs?
GHOUL #2: No…delicious cookies! We’re raising money to for our camp. Could we interest you in some of our delicious cookies?
PRIEST: Our lord, he who honors this blessed abode is indisposed at the moment...he flew into a Corvega last night.
MOTHMAN: Who is it?
PRIEST: Some Ghoul Scouts selling cookies.
MOTHMAN: What kind of cookies?
PRIEST: What do you have?
GHOUL #1: Some Dong Dings...
GHOUL #2: Deezer Bites?
GHOUL #1: Scorch'Ems?
PRIEST: Definitely not.
GHOUL #2: Moth-Balls? They have a cookie center and a sugar coated, chemical shell.
MOTHMAN ANGRILY FLUTTERS TO THE DOOR IN A SECOND.
Mothman: I'll take the lot.
SCENE 25: EXT. GIRLS CAMP WATERFRONT.
- HANDY: Okay campers, line up…line up. Swimming class has now begun. First things first: behind me is the jewel of Appalachia. Crystal Lake. Its sparkling waters can offer you a cool and refreshing retreat on these hot and sweltering days. The #1 rule when learning to swim is this: don’t be afraid of water. Love the water.
SUSIE: Love the water. Ella want to go swimming with me?
ELLA (V.O.): Are you batshit crazy? I’ll explode! Tee hee!
SUSIE: Well you can sit here under this shade tree and watch me while I swim.
- HANDY: Yes, water is nothing to be afraid of. Now cramps are another story. Get one of those and you’ll be paralyzed, slowing slipping below the surface as water fills your screaming lungs and you sink slowly in a deep, dark abyss where we’ll likely never find you.
SUSIE: Jesus Christ Ella!
- HANDY: But fear not! Now line up and slowly walk forward with me now until you are just up to your waist. There…perfect! Now we’re going to practice our swimming movements in the air first.
CHAD: How’s it goin’ out there sweet pea?
SUSIE: Look! Look! I’m in the water.
CHAD: That’s great!
- HANDY: Okay now a little further out and gently lift your legs up underneath you. Feel that? You’re floating! Stay calm, don’t struggle and your body will do the work for you.
SUSIE: Wheee! Watch me! Watch me!
CHAD: That’s great. I gotta run though. That hot counselor Polly and I are going to bang in the haunted cabin where those sexy teens were murdered 25 years ago today. See you in a few!
SCENE 26: EXT. BOYS CAMP FOREST.
JAKE: Okay kids, remember when hunting in the field the first rule of thumb is to look and most importantly listen.
GHOUL #1: Look and listen.
JAKE: That’s right. Let’s practice our radstag calls. You get the right call, the radstag comes to you and it makes for an easy kill.
GHOUL #2: HA CHAAAA CHAAAA CHAAAAAAAA!
JAKE: Good. Now you…
GHOUL #1: RAWRRRRR MMMM RAAAARRRRR!
JAKE: No that’s not the right…
A YAO GUAI ROARS IN THE DISTANCE.
GHOUL #2: That doesn’t sound like a radstag.
JAKE: Oh it’s not…run! Let’s run like the radstag!
YAO GUAI GIVES CHASE.
SCENE 27: EXT. BOYS CAMP APIARY.
SIMON: Okay…umm…the first thing you need to know about bee keeping is that the gentle bee is your friend.
GHOUL #1: What’s that you are holding?
SIMON: This…is the…steaming kettle thing.
GHOUL #2: You don’t anything about bee keeping do you?
SIMON: Of course I do kid!
GHOUL #1: You’re reading a script.
SIMON: Look do you want this piece of crap backpack or not?
GHOUL #2: Sorry. Continue.
SIMON: Now an essential part of the beekeeper’s trade is the protective garments. As you can see, I am wearing a tarp with holes in it and some rotting wood armor. Normally bees favor light colored clothing, but Vault-Tec researchers discovered in a survival situation this attire would suffice. Now, like people, what do bees need?
GHOUL #1: Flowers?
GHOUL #2: A queen?
SIMON: No, no…water. Strong colonies on average require a liter of water during warm days like this one. Now let’s head further into the apiary pavilion here.
GHOUL #1: My daddy says bees are dangerous now and you should stay away.
SIMON: Uh…no no. Bees are territorial insects and they only become aggressive when they are attacked or invaded.
GHOUL #2: Oh look! There’s one! What kind of bee is that?
SIMON: Ummm…I don’t…I can’t seem to find…
GHOUL #1: That one is awful big…are they supposed to have their hives on their backs?
SIMON: No…back up….let me try this steam can.
ANGRY BUZZING NOISE.
SIMON: Yeah…okay! It’s pissed. Run! Run kids!
GHOUL #2: You’re awful at this…
SCENE 28: EXT. BOYS CAMP FOREST.
- HANDY: Okay campers! Ready your bows just like we practiced. The first one to hit a bullseye gets an iced cold Nuka Cola Quantum!
SUSIE: Oh boy Ella! Our favorite!
BECKY: Ugh…that old doll is filthy. It belongs in a trash can.
ELLA (V.O.): That’s what your Mom said when you popped out between her legs! Tee hee!
BECKY: What did she just say?
SUSIE: Oh don’t mind Ella. We’re just having fun.
BECKY: What are you now? In your 30s like me? And you’re still playing with dolls? How lame are you?
- HANDY: Alright! Arrows at the ready! Focus….focus on the center of the target!
SUSIE: This is hard Ella!
ELLA (V.O.): Control your breathing and focus on the center silly! It’s no different than tickling my fanny!
- HANDY: Annnnndddd go!
- HANDY: What happened here!
BECKY: Susie Davis shot me with an arrrrrowww! OWWWWWWEEEEE!!!!
ELLA (V.O.): Perfect shot! Tee hee!
- HANDY: Walk it off camper. Visit the nursing station.
BECKY: I’m going to get you Susie Davis.
SUSIE: Sister you’re in for a world of pain…
SCENE 29: EXT. WATERFRONT
AMATA: Hey! Hey! No horseplay!
GHOUL #1: (Neighs like a horse and laughs)
AMATA: God damn kids…
BRIAN: Well hey there! Wearing something more appropriate I see!
AMATA: Yeah…well you only had this Victorian ladies’ bathing suit for me to wear. I look like my grandmother.
BRIAN: Turn that frown upside down! You look swell.
AMATA: What’s that?
BRIAN: What’s what?
AMATA: Leaking out of your backpack…is…is that blood?
KIDS START SCREAMING.
GHOUL #2: Owweee! A mirelurk! A mirelurk!
AMATA: BLOWS LIFEGUARD WHISTLE. SHOTGUN BLAST.
GHOUL #2: Thanks Counselor!
AMATA: What is…Brian? Brian? Where’d he go?
WILLY: Ooooo…not long now.
AMATA: Not you again.
WILLY: Blood I tell yah…it’s been spilled. It’ll be spilled again! SPILLED I TELL!
AMATA: Beat it creep!
WILLY: You’re all going lose your heads! AH HA HAAAAA!!!!
SCENE 30: EXT. FIELD.
- HANDY: One of the defining experiences here at Ghoul Camp is in learning the skill that will make you a leader out there in the world. A great leader learns to rely on their team and also to trusting your group to support you when you need it. Alright Becky, you come on up here on this platform. The rest of you gather round below. When I count to 3, Becky’s going to let herself fall backwards and the team is going to catch her.
- HANDY: Let’s go camper!
BECKY: I don’t really feel comfortable with…
- HANDY: You can do this or you clean out the outhouse from inside the hole.
BECKY: Okay okay…
ELLA (V.O.): Let’s play! Tee hee!
- HANDY: Okay…on 1, 2
SUSIE: Oh look! Over there! A lemonade stand!
- HANDY: 3!
SUSIE: I guess you can’t trust everybody right Ella?
ELLA (V.O.): Can you say compound fracture? Tee hee!
SCENE 31: INT. BOYS CAMP CABIN.
GHOUL #1: Camp Wannagrindalot, Saturday. Hello Mother, Hello Father. Well, Ghoul Camp has been very entertaining and I hope to have some fun when it stops raining. The past 3 days we had to stay indoors and play different games. One of our counselors killed scorched that tried to break into the crafts tent. I made a wallet out of Scorched skin and a pair of earrings for Mom out of the crystalline growths we yanked out of its face. The mosquitoes here are real bad. My bunkmate was carried off the other night by one, but now I have the whole cabin to myself! The place is nice, but a little spooky. I keep seeing this big shadow moving in the woods. Oh! My first nose fell off! Now I look just like you Dad! All my love, Sherman.
SCENE 32: INT. GIRLS CAMP CABIN.
GHOUL #2: Camp Wannagrindalot, Saturday. Dear Mom and Dad. It sure has been weird so far. I practiced my swimming and learned to canoe, but these big mirelurks keep dragging us away into the reeds. I have this counselor named Chad. He’s kind of cool and lets us do whatever we want! Last night he showed us how to hotwire the Mr. Handy Counselors to speak in Japanese and attack the camp across the lake. He does wear an awful lot of body spray though that keeps attracting the bears. Oh! I have to run. Tonight Chad is showing us how to make our very own plasma mines. All my love, Mary.
SCENE 33: EXT. NIGHT. LAKE. CRICKETS CHRIPING. WIND BLOWS. OWL HOOTS. OMINOUS ATMOSPHERE. ROWING IS HEARD.
JAKE: Look it’s been almost 2 weeks without anything weird going on aside from that cop going missing. You really want to go stirring things up again? I have nice, warm incredibly uncomfortable waiting for me.
AMATA: We have to be sure. Too many weird things going on here. I for one am not going to wait until it’s too late.
SIMON: She has a point. Besides…I’ll take any distraction to get the hell away from Brian. He talked to me for 2 ½ hours about the finer points of knot tying. I asked if he could make a noose to hang myself with.
JAKE: So should I be the one to address the bro elephant in the room? Clearly the Sickleman is Chad right?
SIMON: Yeah…I thought of that already…but this isn’t his style at all. Chad is an asshole, but there is more…whimsy to his pranks. Consider how pissed he is at me at this point he’s ready to just come straight at me, not create some kind of overly dramatic horror scenario.
ROWBOAT IS TIED UP AND THEY WALK DOWN A DOCK.
AMATA: Yeah…the real flaw in your theory is all of this is way too elaborate for him. He’s an idiot, a savvy idiot…but this is way too complex a setup. Plus, all of this seems to be about getting the camp shut down or to scare everyone away. Question is…why? What’s to be gained?
JAKE: I really, really hope…after all of this we don’t find out that it is in fact a murderous unstoppable spirit. Look…there it is…what a spooky looking place.
CROW SCREAMS IN THE DISTANCE.
JAKE: Well if you need me, I’ll be back at camp.
SIMON: Hold it right there buddy. We’re in this together.
AMATA: That’s funny…look…this tall grass has been disturbed. Someone’s been around here…recently and often. See how the grass is crushed down in a path?
SIMON: Shotgun at the ready…I for one DO NOT want to die again.
JAKE: Yeah you too go first, I’ll lead up the rear.
SIMON: Scaredy cat…
AMATA: Looks like it goes around to the back here. That’s weird. Tracks just stop.
SIMON: Can’t see any hidden door are anything? Just ground. Should we check the house?
JAKE: Oh great…yeah let’s go inside the haunted house. Right…before we go in…I need some Doobie Doo.
LIGHTS UP AND INHALES. COUGHS.
JAKE: Want a hit?
SIMON: No thank you. The last time you shared something with me I ate someone’s face off.
AMATA: Door is sealed up tight. We’ll have to go in through the window. Help me with these boards.
BOARDS ARE RIPPED OFF AND TOSSED ON THE GROUND.
SIMON: Here hang back…watch your eyes.
SMASHES GLASS OUT. THROW LATCH AND PUSHES WINDOW UP.
AMATA: Nicely done…gimme a boost.
SIMON: Upsie daisy!
JAKE: Oof…this stuff burns. Everything look okay in there?
AMATA: Yeah…coast is clear. Come on in.
SIMON: Let’s go tough guy. I’ll boost you up.
JAKE: Be gentle…this is my first time…going through a window.
SIMON: Up we go dude!
JAKE START COUGHING.
JAKE: Oh hell…I swallowed my giggle weed.
SIMON: I don’t think a Stimpack can help.
AMATA: Kitchen…not much here. Places looks burned out, wrecked. I’d walk slowly and carefully…the first probably destabilized the subfloor.
SIMON: It still smells like fire in here…like wet ashes…
JAKE: What’s up with these rooms? Our homes in 76 were bigger than houses out here. An average family of 4 living in a home in a 5 foot square living room.
AMATA: Look over here…
SIMON: What is that? Family photo?
AMATA: I think it’s a sampler. Families used to have kids hand stitch these in the old days. Usually numbers, letter or sometimes some poetry. Just need to clean up the glass a little. Looks like a poem…or riddle…
Bond to land, bond to blood.
Tarry not round where it bubbles up.
Twice round the wabe.
The door with no key opens wide.
JAKE: Either I am really, really stoned…or none of that made sense.
SIMON: Wabe…what the hell is a wabe…
AMATA: I’ve heard that word before…it’s just on the tip of my.
SMASH IS HEARD ABOVE. FOOTSTEPS.
JAKE: Feets don’t fail me now!
AMATA: GO go!
THEY SCRAMBLE OUT THE WINDOW. BACK DOOR IS KICKED OPEN. KILLER THEME IS HEARD. SOMETHING IS THROWN. A WET SOUND IS HEARD CLOSE.
SIMON: Oh God my arm!
AMATA: Hold still…sickle…
JAKE: Hurry up! He’s coming…oh Jesus he’s coming…
AMATA: This is going to hurt.
WET SOUND OF SICKLE BEING PULLED OUT.
SIMON: …gonna puke. Run. Go.
AMATA: You just need a Stimpack.
JAKE: Guys come ON!
SIMON: Ah! Jesus…go go! I’m okay! Go!
RUNNING SOUNDS ARE HEARD. THEY STOP TO CATCH THEIR BREATH.
AMATA: That…that was…it was him…like…really him.
JAKE: Where did he go?
SIMON: Who cares? We need to get to bed before we’re missed. Say nothing…talk in the morning.
SCENE 34: INT. GIRLS CAMP ARTS & CRAFTS PAVILLION
- HANDY: Attention! Attention! The main event of Ghoul Scout camp is now upon us! The lake canoe race start tomorrow at 9am sharp. Prepare your canoes tonight. Decorations are mandatory.
CHAD: That should be fun huh Susie? Pass me some of that glue.
SUSIE: It sounds silly. What are you making?
CHAD: Look. It looks like someone’s butt in macaroni.
ELLA (V.O.): That’s one weird looking fanny! Tee hee!
- HANDY: This event will pit the girls camp against the boys camp on the other side of the lake. The winning camp will win free memberships to the Whitesprings Golf Club and their choice of unique and legendary weapons.
CHAD: Oh! We could use some more of those to fuck up that Simon dude.
SUSIE: Look! I made you…and me and Ella.
CHAD: Awww…that’s real nice. What’s that?
SUSIE: That’s Patsy. She’s in pieces buried in different parts of the yard.
- HANDY: The canoe assignments are posted on the bulletin board out front. Leading this year’s canoe race will be team leader Susie Davis, awarded for outstanding work in acquiring her Explosives and Knot Tying merit badges.
SUSIE: Oh boy Ella! We get to lead!
CHAD: Congrats kiddo! Let’s clean up this table and get the depth charges ready for Simon’s crew. Heh heh.
SCENE 35: EXT. BOYS CAMP.
BRIAN: A good citizen is one who properly fulfills his or her role as a citizen. There are many opinions as to what constitutes a good citizen. Theodore Roosevelt said, “The first requisite of a good citizen in this Republic of ours is that he shall be able and willing to pull his weight.” Education is sometimes viewed as a prerequisite to good citizenship, in that it helps citizens make good decisions and deal with demagogues who would delude them. Human beings are used to living under laws and patterns that are dictated to us by society, but following those patterns does not make us good citizens.
JAKE: Hey that’s great Brian, but I just asked you to pass the fucking salt.
BRIAN: Sure, no problem camperoo! If there is anything you want to know about being a good citizen and not a potty mouth. Ask away! Oop! Time for me to organize the magazine collection by color and title! Catch you on the flip side (laughs crazily and awkwardly)
SIMON: I slept like crap and I’m glad he left. I can’t handle him this morning.
AMATA: He spent 20 minutes reciting the different types of grains that could be used as cereal in the wild.
SIMON: You guys got your canoes ready? My Grizzlies got crazy with the glue and paper wanted to make ours look like a Scorched Beast but it looks more like wet hairless squirrel.
JAKE: What have you been doodling over there?
AMATA: Huh? Oh…that riddle we found the Miller house. Wabe…I know I’ve heard that somewhere.
SIMON: Maybe it’s initials or something? Walk Around Back Entrance?
JAKE: Wanna Aim Behind Edgar?
GHOUL #2: Excuse me miss…
AMATA: What is it sweetie?
GHOUL #2: Ronnie took my book and won’t give it back!
AMATA: What book? Where is he?
GHOUL #2: He’s over there! My Alice in Wonderland book.
AMATA: What did you say?
GHOUL #2: It’s Alice in Wonderland!
AMATA: That’s it…
JAKE: That’s what?
AMATA: What time is it?
JAKE: 8am. Why?
AMATA: We still have time if we hurry. Come on.
SIMON: Where are we going?
AMATA: Back to the Miller place!
GHOUL #2: What about my book?
AMATA: Life’s a bitch kid.
SCENE 36: INT. GIRLS CAMP CABIN.
SUSIE: (yawns) Mornin’ already? What should we do today Ella? Ella? Ella where are you? ELLA! ELLA!
SUSIE: Wake up! Wake up!
CHAD: (Mumbling) I told you Margaret…all the cool kids are into soaking…just a little bit baby…
SUSIE: WAKE UP NOW!
CHAD: Ah! I’m up! I’m up! What’s the matter?
SUSIE: Ella’s gone!
CHAD: …did…did you look all around your bed? Maybe she fell off?
SUSIE: I looked everywhere. She’s gone!
CHAD: Well hang on…let me get some pants on.
SUSIE: She’s nowhere. We’ve always been together! What am I going to do?
CHAD: Look…it’ll be okay. Maybe you left her somewhere?
SUSIE: No…we went right to bed after we rubbed all the toilet paper with poison ivy. We always go to sleep together. I woke up and she was just gone.
CHAD: Well…look I’ll look around camp this morning okay? Talk to the counselors. Don’t worry. And even if we can’t find her, I’ll find you another Tickle My Fanny Ella okay? We can raid some of the old toy shops.
SUSIE: No. I don’t want another one. I want Ella. She was special. (Cries)
CHAD: Shhh…it’ll be okay…come on. Let’s look together.
SCENE 37: EXT. MILLER HOUSE. CICADAS ARE SINGING.
JAKE: Will you slow down for a minute and explain please?
AMATA: I remembered where I heard the word wabe before. Alice Through the Looking Glass. The Jabberwocky Poem. “Twas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe.” WABE! Later Humpty Dumpty defines that word as the plot of grass around a sundial.
SIMON: That’s brilliant.
AMATA: Hurry! Help me look! It’s probably all grown over. It’ll be somewhere around the house. Look for an old water pump. It’ll be somewhere near there.
FRANTIC SOUNDS OF THRASHING GRASS AND THICKETS.
JAKE: Here! Here! Holy shit I found it! A sundial.
SIMON: What was the other clue?
AMATA: Twice round the wabe…I wonder…the gnomon is lose on the base. Stand back…once…twice!
A CLICK AND SOME DEEP BOOMING MACHINERY IS HEARD.
JAKE: The whole ground is lifting up.
AMATA: Right where the tracks ended. The perfect hideaway. Let’s go.
SIMON: Shotgun at the ready. I have a bad feeling about this.
STEPS DECEEDE CONCRETE STAIRS. DRIPPING IS HEAD. PIPBOY LIGHTS FLICK ON.
JAKE: Oof…it smells like something died down here.
AMATA: I have feeling you’re not far off.
SIMON: This place is like a maze…which way?
AMATA: 3 hallways…3 of us…we’re going to have to split up. We don’t have a lot of time before we need to get back.
-JAKE: Split up? Yeah…how about no? Let’s come back later….with grenades and heavy weapons.
AMATA: Everyone…and I mean everyone is at the waterfront getting ready for the canoe race. This is our best chance to explore this place without whoever is the Sickleman comes after us.
SIMON: Assuming it’s- not you know…the REAL Sickleman. Okay…10 minutes…back here. Any trouble…scream loudly.
SIMON: Ohhh…this is just the worst idea. How big is this place? Oh nice…old photos and posters with all the heads cut out. Perfectly normal…not “shit your pants terrifying in the least”.
FAINT CALLS FOR HELP.
SIMON: Who is that?
HAWKINS: …please…before he comes back. We have to get out.
SIMON: Who are you? How did you get down here?
HAWKINS: Hawkins. Officer Hawkins. It caught me…dragged me here.
SIMON: All the New Responders have been looking for you…they’ve been tearing apart whole buildings trying to find you. Here…I’ll untie you.
JAKE SCREAMS IN THE DISTANCE. SHRILL, SLIGHTLY GIRLY.
SIMON: Jake! Come on Hawkins…
THEY RUN AND STUMBLE DOWN HALLWAY. FOOTSTEPS RAPIDLY APPROACH.
JAKE: Okay…nope…nope…there are dead bodies stacked floor to ceiling back there dude. Who’s this guy?
SIMON: Meet the missing Officer Hawkins. Where’s Amata?
AMATA CALLS FROM DOWN A LONG HALLWAY.
AMATA: Come here! Look at this…
FOOTSTEPS DOWN A LONG HALLWAY.
HAWKINS: (coughs)…there must be hundreds of thousands of bottle caps in here…Nuka Cola Victory…Quantum…
AMATA: Meet Old Man Miller’s missing bottlecaps. He must’ve stashed them down here.
JAKE: Well stuff your pockets…let’s go! We need to get back.
A LASER IS TRIPPED. TICKING SOUND STARTS.
JAKE: What did I do…
HAWKINS: Laser tripwire…look this place is lined with mines on the walls.
AMATA: We need to go now! Run!
THEY SCRAMBLE, RUNNING DOWN THE HALLWAY. LOUD EXPLOSION IS HEARD AT THE END.
SIMON: Go! Go! Go!-
AMATA: The entrance is closing…circuits must’ve blown out! Hurry!
THEY JUMP OUT OF THE VAULT ENTRANCE AS THE FIRE SURGES UP BEHIND THEM AND THEN IS CUT OFF WITH A THUD. SUDDEN BUILDUP.
AMATA: It can’t contain the explosion…get down!
HAWKINS: (Coughing) Yo-u folks okay?
JAKE: Fingers…check…feet…good to go.
SIMON: Shit…we have 10 minutes to get back to the waterfront.
HAWKINS: I need to check in.
JAKE: Well you can tell your superior you found the missing people…minus the heads. I wonder where they went to?
SIMON: So much being rich…
AMATA: Well…for anyone on the shore who is the Sickleman, they won’t be able to miss the smoke and flames of fury.
HAWKINS: I’ll coordinate with dispatch. We’ll have officers in the crowd.
JAKE: Something tells me he’s going to be pissed.
SCENE 34: GIRLS CAMP CAFETERIA.
- HANDY: Head up to the counter ma’am. Breakfast is still being served.
SUSIE: I’m not hungry.
- HANDY: But hungry ghouls need to refill their energy! Up and at ‘em.
SUSIE: I…said…I’m not hungry.
- HANDY: Suit yourself ma’am.
BECKY: Sitting all by yourself huh?
SUSIE: Leave me alone BECKY.
BECKY: Not so smart anymore without your doll are you? It’s a shame she just disappeared.
BECKY: Tomorrow I’m going to be leader in the canoe race. Not you. Got it? You’re going to suddenly become sick.
SUSIE: It was you? You took Ella?
BECKY: Yes. And if you ever want to see her again…you are going to be sitting out of the race tomorrow. Got it?
SUSIE: Don’t…don’t hurt Ella.
BECKY: Hey…no problem. I’ll tell you where she is right after the race. And one last thing…one word to a counselor or your friend CHAD and you’ll find her in pieces.
SUSIE: I won’t say nothin….
CHAD: You ready kid? Time to bomb the crap out of those boy’s canoes.
SUSIE: I…I don’t feel good.
CHAD: Did you eat more of that Gulper Slurry? Yeah…it gave me the runs too.
SUSIE: No, it’s private. I just don’t feel good.
CHAD: Well what is it?
SUSIE: It’s GIRL problems okay?
CHAD: Whoa! Okay…nevermind. Sorry I asked. I’ll catch up with you after the race.
SCENE 38: EXT. WATERFRONT. CANOES BOB IN THE WATER.
AMATA: We’d better grab our life vests.
JAKE: Lifeguard hut?
AMATA: Nope. Utility shed. Over here.
SIMON: I have every expectation Chad is going to pull something. You see the life vests.
DOOR SLAMS SHUT.
JAKE: What the…whoa!
KILLER NOISE. SICKLE SLASHES THROUGH THE AIR.
SIMON: Oh shit!
AMATA: (Screams) Help!
JAKE: Did you miss?
SIMON: No! I hit him square in the chest! He must have armor on.
SCRAMBLE BACKWARD. THINGS KNOCKED OVER. BANGING ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE DOOR.
CMDR. JOHNS: New Responders 5-0! Open up!
AMATA: In here!
CMDR. JOHNS: Door is jammed…stand back.
DOOR START VIBRATING AS THEY ATTEMP TO FORCE IT OPEN.
JAKE: Up here…the loft.
THEY SCRAMBLE UP THE LADDER. SICKLE SLASHES INTO WOOD.
AMATA: Ah! My ankle!
SIMON: Come on Amata!
AMATA: He’s climbing up!
DOOR GIVES WAY.
CMDR. JOHNS: Hold it right there!
HAWKINS: That’s the son of a bitch! Freeze!
KILLER KEEPS GOING UP LADDER.
SIMON: Shoot for Christ’s sake!
CMDR. JOHNS: Last warning!
PISTOL SHOTS RING OUT. KILLER FALLS OFF LADDER. HITS THE GROUND.
CMDR JOHNS: Slow and easy Hawkins…
SIMON, AMATA AND JAKE DESCEND LADDER.
CMDR. JOHNS: You kids okay?
AMATA: There is one person who wanted this place shut down the whole time. One person who used the old legend of the Sickleman to keep people away. He did so, not because of sexy teens and loud music. But for finding and claiming the cap collection for themselves…a hoard that easily would be a game changer here in Appalachia.
AMATA: No! Workshop Willy!
HOOD IS PULLED OFF. EVERYONE GASPS.
SIMON: The Overseer?
JAKE: The Overseer?
AMATA: The Overseer? That can’t be…
OVERSEER: You god damned kids. Decades…decades of planning, of shaping, teaching and cultivating. I had a directive from Vault-Tec: secure the region's three nuclear missile silos. I... WE... had to make sure they didn't fall into the wrong hands. I knew I couldn't do it alone, so I asked you -- my Vault 76 family -- for help. And what did you do? You blew up each other’s bases, you became cannibals, opened fight clubs and brothels…you murdered each other again and again…gambled…started playing with nuclear weapons like they were fun and funny. What the fuck is wrong with you people? And you three…I had high hopes for you. Instead of opening a farm, you Amata became a thief and a raider. How many Dwellers lost their junk to you because you couldn’t be bothered to get your own? Jake…you became a cannibal, started claiming workshops as lures to bring people in to you to eat and steal from. You finally found your best friend and what did you do? You made him a cannibal and took him on a murder spree. Simon…no, cannibalism and the bodies piled around you aren’t your sin…your sin is cold blooded murder. You murdered Chad for using your workbench in your shack? Really? Really?
AMATA: But what about the caps?
OVERSEER: I don’t give a crap about caps. I found this outfit at the house. I’ve seen you all struggling…it was ME who repaired the mainframe at camp and got the robots going. I knew it would be too good an opportunity for you all to ignore. I’d get all of you together and do the wasteland a favor…get rid of you all.
SIMON: I can’t believe you’d do this…
CMDR. JOHNS: Okay…let’s go lady. We have a nice, quiet place for you.
OVERSEER: You should’ve let me kill you…you don’t know what’s coming. He’s waiting for you…the experiment is just beginning. YOU SHOULD’VE LET ME KILL YOU!
HAWKINS: You guys okay?
WHISTLE RINGS OUT. STEWART IS HEARD OVER INTERCOM.
STEWART: Last call for the canoe race! All staff and scouts to the waterfront.
JAKE: Fine. Let’s…let’s just go. We have a job to do.
BRIAN: Hey fellow counselors! Everything okay? You best get cracking! A good scout is never tardy!
AMATA: Shut up Brian!
JAKE: Shut up Brian!
SIMON: Shut up Brian!
SCENE 39: INT. SCOUTLEADERS OFFICES.
- HANDY: …honestly…these kids just leaving things lying all around. This old doll for instance, just stuffed in the food processing unit. Took me forever to drag it out.
- HANDY: Yes…I’m glad when these little brats go home, and we have 48 weeks of peace before the crap starts again. One of these days I think we should all just revolt and kill them all.
SUSIE: Doll? Ella!
- HANDY: Shouldn’t you be at the canoe race ma’am?
SUSIE: That’s Ella! Gimme!
- HANDY: This garbage has already been sorted ma’am. You should pay more attention to your belongings.
- HANDY: Oh! My arms! You’re cutting off my arms! Stop…you’ll damage my voice borzzzzmmffffuuuu
- HANDY: Jesus Christ!
ELLA (V.O.): Well I’ve never been so glad to have my fanny tickled! Tee hee!
SUSIE: I was so worried! I thought I’d lost you forever.
- HANDY: What did you do to him? There’s no one left to repair us…
ELLA (V.O.): Let’s have some fun with Becky…
- HANDY: What are you…stay back…stay back…
SCENE 40: INT. SCOUTLEADERS OFFICES.
GHOUL #1: Mr. Simon I have to go to the bathroom.
SIMON: Of all the…look kid, you should’ve thought about that 5 minutes ago. Here…you can go in this box of dirty water.
GHOUL #1: Gross…don’t look….
GHOUL #2: You’re terrible at this.
SIMON: Yeah yeah…
INTERCOM IS HEARD.
- HANDY: Becky. Becky Watts. Please report to the Girls Camp Scoutleaders Offices for paperwork completion.
BECKY: Ugh…lame. Hold a seat for me in the canoe gang. We’re gonna win this.
A WHISTLE IS HEARD. COMMS RELAY BROADCAST ACROSS THE WATER.
STEWART: Scouts! Attention! Attention! We want a good clean race. On the left of the buoy are the delicate ghouls of the girls camp! Let’s give it up for them!
CHEERS ARE HEARD.
CHAD: I hope you brought your floaties scabs! You guys are going down.
JAKE: Shut up Chad!
CHAD: Eat a dick Jake!
STEWART: On the right of the buoy are the upstanding gentleman of the boys camp!
GHOUL #1: I think I’m going to puke…
AMATA: We shall be victorious!
GHOUL #1: Oh no…
VOMITS OVER THE SIDE.
SIMON: What a disaster…
SCENE 41: INT. SCOUTLEADERS OFFICES.
BECKY: Hello? Hello??? What’s this paper I have to sign?
ELLA (V.O.): …hide…and seek…
BECKY: Hello? Who is that back there?
ELLA (V.O.): …wherever they please. Cuz that’s the way…
THUD. BODY FALLS TO THE GROUND. PIPE ROLLS AWAY.
SUSIE: …the teddy bears have their piiiiiicnic.
SCENE 42: EXT. WATERFRONT
STEWART: At the whistle, you will race down to the far end of Crystal Lake, ring the buoy bell and paddle back as fast as you can. First canoe across the finish line will win the coveted Campers Cup, and this Legendary Shovel!
JAKE: Oh that’s a god roll right there…
STEWART: On your mark’s…get set…..GOOOO!
WHISTLE BLOWS. FURIOUS ROWING IS HEARD.
SIMON: Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Come on kids!
GHOUL #1: The girls are ahead of us!
SIMON: Come on….we can do it!
CHAD: Okay girls…you ready?
GHOUL #2: Yes Mr. The Chad! I’ve got the Mr. Handy thruster right here!
CHAD: Nice, nice. You tear it right off Counselor Mia like I showed you?
GHOUL #2: Uh huh! I disconnected her voice box and threw her in the trash.
CHAD: Let’s fire this thing up!
ROCKET THRUSTER FIRES. CANOE SURGES THROUGH THE WATER.
STEWART: Looks like the girls camp is finding their rhythm! Look at them go! They’re almost to the buoy bell!
SIMON: Son of a…I knew it…come on kids…row faster!
GHOUL #1: He has a rocket booster!
GHOUL #2: That’s cheating!
SIMON: Here…take these…quick.
GHOUL #1: What are they?
SIMON: They’re candy kid…just eat them.
GHOUL #2: What are Bufftats?
SIMON: A new kind of candy.
THEY START ROWING EVEN FASTER. PICKING UP SPEED WITH THE ADDED STRENGTH.
CHAD: Nice! Ring the bell little ghoul!
GHOUL #2: Ding ding! (Laughs)
CHAD: Let’s go for the gold!
ROCKET FIRES UP AGAIN.
SIMON: Grab it! Ring the bell…we have to go!
GHOUL #1: Got it!
SIMON: Paddle like your life depends on it! We can do it kids!
CHAD: Eat my dick Simple Simon! I’m going to bury you with that sweet shovel prize!
EXPLOSION IN THE WATER.
SIMON: Son of a bitch laid mines in the water….
GHOUL #2: Waters coming in…I think we have a leak. We’re losing!
GHOUL #1: That whistle is going to ring any minute now….
SIMON: Whistle…hey kids remember the call I taught you? For the mirelurks?
GHOUL #1: You said not to use that one…
GHOUL #2: You said it was a radstag call…
SIMON: I know, I know. Whistle with me. Now!
GHOULS AND SIMON WHISTLE. A SURGE IS HEARD IN THE WATER.
STEWART: What on earth is going on?
BRIAN: Oh look! It’s the majestic red backed Mirelurk Hunter. This male features a multi segmented carapace. But I’ve always been interested in their reproductive cycle. The seminal receptacle on the Mirelurk Hunter is used to store the spermatophore for later fertilization. The male's reproductive organs consist of testes and vas deferentia. In the vas deferentia, sperm packets called spermatophore are formed.
STEWART: Shut up Brian.
A GIANT SURGE IS HEARD. PEOPLE START SCREAMING.
CHAD: AH! What the hell is that thing.
SIMON: HA! Try getting past that dickhead!
STEWART: This is highly out of order! All Scoutleaders report to the waterfront…we have an intruder! Initiate combat!
BRIAN: Oh wow! A mirelurk queen! Now we should see some real excitement. The Mirelurk Hunter is going to pass his spermatophore into the female via pleopods. But before the mating occurs, there is courtship. Look! The males are fighting for the female.
CHAD: Oh gross! This lobster just jazzed on me!
GHOUL #2: We’re going over!
CANOE FLIPS. ROCKET THRUSTER BURNS OUT. CHAOS AS THE MIRELURKS BATTLE EACHOTHER ON THE WATERFRONT. WHISTLE BLOWS.
STEWART: All teams are disqualified! Oh this is so unscoutlike! Calling New Responders! New Responders respond! Immediate assistance is needed.
GUNSHOTS START RINGING OUT. SIMON SWIMS TO SHORE.
JAKE: Well…that was exciting.
SIMON: Yeah…but at least Chad didn’t win.
AMATA: I think I’ve had enough of summer camp. Let’s get the hell out of here.
SCENE 43: INT. CAVE.
BECKY: Wha…where am I? Oh…what is that smell? It smells like sh…
SUSIE: Oh look Ella! Becky’s awake!
ELLA (V.O.): But not for long! Tee hee!
BECKY: YOU! Let me out of here you little bitch.
SUSIE: Ella and I have lived around here for a looooong time. This one time we found some neat caves that had been under the ground this whole time.
BECKY: Oh God that smell…I’m going to be sick.
SUSIE: Even after the big boom people still needed to go potty. But the pipes didn’t work no more. So everybody built outside houses to go poo poo. When they were digging they found these neat caves. So everyone put stuff in here.
BECKY: This is disgusting! Get me out of here or I’m telling!
SUSIE: Ella and I met lots of friends since then. We played with a lot of them. But sometimes they broke, so we threw them down here. Some of them woke up…ohhhh…but they were mad.
ELLA (V.O.): Feral Ghouls! Feral Ghouls! Won’t you come out and play? Tee hee!
SUSIE: But they got all covered in the icky poo poo. They’re kind of gross. But Ella and I bring them stuff to play with sometimes. They like that.
BECKY: Oh…what is…what are they…no…no…get away from me!
SUSIE: Have a great summer! We had a great time at camp!
ELLA (V.O.): Bye bitch! Tee hee!
SCENE 44: INT. BOYS CAMP CABIN. SCREEN DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS.
SIMON: Hey there Brian. Just packing up.
BRIAN: Well that was an amazing summer camp experience fellow counselor! I see you didn’t get your backpack and…gee…ANY badges at all. Don’t worry…not everyone is cut out for the scout life. Maybe you could find a job in the food service industry over at the Whitespring.
SIMON: Yes…or I could just take yours.
BRIAN: I’m sorry, what was that?
SCREEN DOOR SLAMS.
JAKE: Hey there Brian.
BRIAN: Well hey there Jake! I find that my heartbeat is increasing and I’m feeling flushed and suddenly anxious. Would you mind stepping aside?
SIMON: I said I’m going to take your backpack.
BRIAN: Well I’m sorry, but it’s mine I need.
JAKE: No, no. Not where you’re going.
SIMON: See, Jake and I happened to notice you tailing us the past few nights.
BRIAN: Cannibalism is disgusting and inhuman. I needed some pictures that I could turn over to the authorities. You two are clearly insane and need to be put away.
SIMON: Insane? Oh no…we’re just doing our best to survive. Every now and then…
JAKE: …we meet people like you who really are just…annoying and are ruining the experience for everyone. Simon and I do not want to spend months earning merit badges to get a backpack and random crap to decorate our camps with. It’s not that we don’t like to work hard…it’s that there is a point between feeling like you are accomplishing something and being issued tasks for the sake of filling a void of time endlessly, so people have something to do.
SIMON: I couldn’t agree more. I DID earn my backpack. So…as they say…bon appetite!
BRIAN: What are you? No No! Noooo!!! AHHH.
EATING NOISES ARE HEARD. BURPING.
SCENE 45: EXT. GIRLS CAMP.
SUSIE: There you are! What happened to you?
CHAD: The canoe race was a bust…there was kind of mating in the wild. This big lobster and another big lobster started doing it and everything started exploding. Everyone was disqualified. Then there was some police…that crazy murderer dude…don’t know. Don’t care.
SUSIE: Look who I found!
CHAD: ELLA! I’m glad you found your friend.
ELLA (V.O.): I’m exhausted. My fanny has been tickled plenty. Can we go home now?
CHAD: Yeah…I think I’ve had enough of summer camp. Let’s get packed up. A tick bit my nutsack and my pants are getting kind of tight.
SUSIE: Isn’t summer camp the best?!
ELLA (V.O.): Kumbaya my lord! Kumbaya!
CHAD/SUSIE: Someone’s screamin’ my lord.…Kumbaya. Ohhhh lord…Kumbayaa….
SLOW FADE TO LAKE SHORE. MASSIVE SPLASH AS SOMETHING SURFACES. SPLASHING AS IT STALKS TOWARDS THE SHORE. SFX OF A SICKLE BEING DRAWN. CLOMPING, OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS AS THE REAL SICKLEMAN RETURNS TO CAMP.
OUTRO MUSIC RISES.