CAST & VOICE TALENT
KEN (VO): This is Kenneth Vigue. This Episode is arguably, our best yet, with 17 voice actors bringing the story of one Vault bro named Chad to life. We’ve heard Simon’s side of the story…now it’s time you find out a little more about his rival…and also a very special little girl. You won’t be hearing much of me in this episode, but before I depart, I wanted to let you know that we have a Patreon page now setup, as well as an online store at your request. Both of these platforms help fund the cost of the production for this show, which to date is 100% out of my pocket. If you can spare $2 a month, find the link to our Patreon at fallout76podcast.com. This episode contains some graphic violence and foul language. Continue through the Vault door at your own risk. And now, without further ado…we present an extended length episode. Episode 4, titled, “The Chad, The Girl…and the Grave.”
EXT. GARDEN. BIRDS SINGING. LAWN BEING MOWED IN THE DISTANCE. WE HEAR THE TINK OF LITTLE CUPS AND CHILDREN PLAYING OFF TO THE RIGHT.
SUSIE: Drink your sweet tea Ella. It’s getting cold.
ELLA (V.O.) Hi! I’m Ella. I love you. Tickle my fanny! Tee hee!
SUSIE: Now, now Ella, drink your tea or I’ll have to cut you.
MRS. DAVIS: Susie! Come inside honey! Time for breakfast!
SUSIE: Oh boy Ella! Steak and eggs and some ooey goey raspberry jelly on toast!
SOUNDS OF ELLA RUNNING INSIDE. SLAMMING THE DOOR. WE HEAR MRS. DAVIS SETTING THE TABLE. THE TV IS HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND. NEWS ANNOUNCER SPEAKS CONTINUOUSLY IN THE BACKGROUND DURING DIALOGUE.
NEWS ANN. …and now more local events and news for October 23rd, 2077. If you’re lookin’ to get your spook on! Ha ha! Head on up to Patches Pumpkin House for their final Halloween Pumpkin’ Gala. With over 200 jack o’lanterns this year, they’ll have hot cider, pumpkin pie and live music from Dick Justice and Strumettes all weekend long. In local news, The Whitespring completed their grand reopening this week with a new shopping promenade. There was a brief scuffle during the ribbon cutting as former staff marched up the drive protesting their lost jobs to automation. Local police quickly broke up the group however with cryogenic grenades and baseball bats. The weather for today will be a balmy 64 degrees, clear skies with a chance of showers tomorrow. In national news, tensions continue to mount worldwide. Various reports along the coastal areas have been reporting mysterious lights in the evenings in the Atlantic and Pacific Ocean, with the Pentagon investigating actively the possibility of Chinese submarines violating United States sovereign waters.
MR. DAVIS: How’s the weather looking out there sweetie?
SUSIE: Okay I guess.
MR. DAVIS: Long faces are for horses and commies little lady. Whatever’s the matter?
SUSIE: Janice said HER family is going to the Whitespring today to shop the new stores.
MRS. DAVIS: That’s those Robinsons for you, always trying to get there first.
MR. DAVIS: Well girls, I have a nifty surprise for you all! When breakfast is done we’ll be spending the day there ourselves!
SUSIE: You mean it Daddy!
MR. DAVIS: You bet your poodle skirt! I’m getting in a few rounds in on the fairway with the fellas from the office and your mother can take you into Captain Creep’s for that SaddleUp Sheep you’ve been asking for!
SUSIE: Gee that’s swell! That will show that Janice…I guess I won’t have to burn their house down after all.
MRS. DAVIS: Oh Jim! I’ve heard all about that new salon and spa they have there. My beehive is looking more like the dog’s breakfast. I just can’t do anything with it.
MR. DAVIS: Yes Susan, you best be cleaning yourself up before that big dinner for the boys from the office. You and Susie take all the time you need inside. We can meet up for pie at the Golf Club later on. Yes, it’s going to be another amazing Saturday in the good old U.S.A!
MRS. DAVIS: I love you Jim Davis!
MR. DAVIS: I love you Mrs. Jim Davis!
SUSIE: I love you Mommy and Daddy!
ELLA: Tickle my fanny! Tee hee!
EVERYONE LAUGHS. AN EMERGENCY ALERT IS HEARD ON THE TV.
NEWS ANN. ATTENTION. ATTENTION. This is the West Virginia Emergency Broadcast System. Take shelter immediately. Take shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
MRS. DAVIS: Oh Jim!
MR. DAVIS: What in the…
NEWS ANN. Four probable nuclear missile launches were detected by the Integrated Operational Nuclear Detection System (IONDS) at 9:13am. At 9:17am NORAD confirmed nuclear missile launches were detected by the early alert weapons platforms.
SUSIE: Daddy…daddy what’s going on?
ELLA: Well…now would be a great time to tickle my fanny!
MR. DAVIS: SUSIE! Shut that damned thing up.
MRS. DAVIS: Jim! Language.
MR. DAVIS: Shut your mouth and listen for Christ’s sake!
NEWS ANN. Repeat: This is not a drill. An enemy attack is being launched against the United States. Take shelter immediately and stay tuned to this station for further instructions. If you have access to a designated fallout shelter, proceed in a calm and orderly manner to your nearest shelter. Gather food and water and minimal provisions. Do not delay. Repeat: A missile attack has been launched against the United States. Reports about the attack are fragmentary and unconfirmed. We have lost contact with our affiliate stations on the West Coast. Los Angeles, Portland, Seattle all appear to have borne the brunt of the attack.
MR. DAVIS: Jiminy Christmas. Grab what you can Susan…Susie grab clothes and be quick.
MRS. DAVIS: Oh but Jim, my new dishware set!
MR. DAVIS: Damn it Susan move! Need my gun.
SUSIE: But what about the Whitespring.
MR. DAVIS: There’s not going to be a WHITESPRING! MOVE! We need to get to the car fast.
MRS. DAVIS: I’ll grab what I can. Where can we go?
MR. DAVIS: That god damned Vault! 500 people…they had room for twice that.
MRS. DAVIS: But how will we get in Jim?
SUSIE: Miss Teacher said it’s sealed up real tight.
MR. DAVIS: Well gee I dunno…maybe I’ll drive the fucking car through the front door. We’ll figure it out where we get there. Move! I’ll back the car up. Be ready.
EXT. YARD. AIR RAID SIREN BLARING. PEOPLE RUSHING ABOUT. CHAOTIC.
NEIGHBOR: It’s all gone to hell Davis. I told you you should’ve converted and found Jesus.
MR. DAVIS: Hey Simpson, the only thing you wife found was Room 12 at the Flatwoods Motel.
NEIGHBOR: Well I never!
MR. DAVIS: And her pie sucks too!
CAR DOOR OPENS. CORVEGA STARTS UP. BACKS UP. CAR DOOR OPENS AND TRUNK IS OPENED
MRS. DAVIS: I think I have everything.
MR. DAVIS: What is all that?
MRS. DAVIS: My Depression Glass punchbowl set and my Atomic 9 Hair Dryer…
MR. DAVIS: Are you insane? The world is ending Susan!
SUSIE: Stop fighting! Ella doesn’t like it!
MR. HANDY: Are you ready for plumbing Ma’am?
MR. DAVIS: And what the hell is that?
MRS. DAVIS: It’s my special assistant Jim. It’s around when you aren’t. And don’t think I didn’t find your Miss Nanny in the basement. She said she was ready to serve me and started putting on a rubber glove.
SUSIE: Oh she’s neat! She said she knows 11 different ways to do sausage Daddy!
MR. DAVIS: Drop that crap. That THING isn’t coming. Get in the car! NOW!
CAR DOORS OPEN AND CLOSE. CAR ACCELERATES AWAY, CAREENING THROUGH THE STREET.
NEIGHBOR: Slow down your road hog!
MR. DAVIS: Eat a dick Ralph!
SUSIE: Mommy I’m scared.
MRS. DAVIS: Everything will be fine hunny. Your father I’m sure knows what he’s doing.
ELLA: When I’m scared, I play with matches.
MRS. DAVIS: What did she say?
ELLA: Let’s all tickle my fanny! Tee hee!
MR. DAVIS: Turn on the radio. Need to know what’s going on.
RADIO ANNC: Followed by... yes, followed by flashes. Blinding flashes. Sounds of explosions... We're... we're trying to get confirmation... But we seem to have lost contact with our affiliate stations... We do have... coming in... confirmed reports. I repeat, confirmed reports of nuclear detonations in New York and Pennsylvania. My God. If you…
RADIO STATIC IS CUT OFF.
MRS. DAVIS: My God Jim! All those people.
MR. DAVIS: Every man for himself now. Got it? If there are people at the Vault with the same idea as me…stay in the car. I’ll handle them.
ELLA: Let’s run them over!
SUSIE: Not now Ella!
MR. DAVIS: THERE! There it is.
CAR SCREECHES TO A HALT.
MR. DAVIS: Out. Now…hurry.
CAR DOORS OPEN. TRUNK OPENS. THINGS SPILL OUT.MRS. DAVIS: Jim our supplies!
MR. DAVIS: Leave it. Move.
SUSIE: Daddy my dresses!
MR. DAVIS: No time!
THEY RUN UP THE STAIRS.
MR. DAVIS: There has to be an emergency override. Something.
HE CLANGS ON THE DOOR.
MR. DAVIS: HEY! Hey in there! Open the god damned door!
MRS. DAVIS: Oh Jim! What if they don’t answer?
MR. DAVIS. Stand back, let me see if I can pry it open. Hand me that piece of rebar.
SOUNDS OF SCRATCHING, WRENCHING OF METAL.
ELLA: I think it’s time we go back to the car.
SUSIE: Why should we do that Ella?
ELLA: So we don’t get burned to a crisp silly!
SUSIE: If you say so.
ELLA: Lead lined today! Live for tomorrow! Tee hee!
SOUNDS OF GOING DOWNSTAIRS. CLIMBING INTO TRUNK. SLAMMING TRUNK.
SUSIE: Now what?
ELLA: Tickle my fanny of course! It’s almost over!
SUSIE: If you say so.
SOUNDS OF RAPIDLY APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS.
MRS. DAVIS: SUSIE! Susie are you in there?
MR. DAVIS: Damned things jammed. Hunny, can you hear me? Open the trunk. There’s a release inside.
SUSIE: What should we do Ella?
ELLA: Let’s sing our favorite song!
SUSIE: If you go down in the woods today you're sure of a big surprise. If you go down in the woods today you'd better go in disguise. For every bear that ever there was will gather there for certain. Because today's the day the Teddy Bears have their picnic.
SOUNDS OF A MASSIVE EXPLOSION. RUMBLING.
MR. DAVIS: Susie! Open the trunk now! Hurry!
SUSIE: Every Teddy Bear who's been good is sure of a treat today. There's lots of marvelous things to eat and wonderful games to play.
SOUNDS OF PEOPLE SCREAMING. CAR LURCHES AND ROCKS. THE RUMBLE FADES AWAY.
SUSIE: Beneath the trees where nobody sees they'll hide and seek as long as they please. That's the way the Teddy Bears have their picnic…
MUSIC & INTRO SEQUENCE
SCENE2: VAULT 76. MACHINE HUMMING. TAPE REEL BEGINS TRANSCRIBING.
PATSY: The Personal Diary of Patsy Parker Continued, 1 day before Reclamation! Ugh! This place is such a buzzkill. Tonight’s the big bash that the Overseer announced, but she took Chad, Moose and I aside and said she didn’t want any trouble. Whatever. The only trouble with her is her roots showing in her hair. What’s she dying it with? Canned Coffee? Chad and I celebrate our 3-year anniversary -tonight. At lunch today, he brought over a Salisbury Steak in the shape of a heart and underneath it said, “I kind of love you. Let’s do it in the utility closet.” OH MY GOD…he’s like the most romantic boyfriend I’ve ever had. If anything happened to him I’d just DIE.
CHAD: Ring a ding ding sweet thing. It’s the Chad!
CHAD: Did you miss me?
PATSY: You know it. Another 15 minutes and I was going to just die.
CHAD: Guess what I just did? I hit a line drive into a fusion generator. So much fire. It was epic. Coach tried to put it out with a fire extinguisher, but Moose had replaced it with whipped crème a few weeks back. It was hilarious. Coach was on fire. He was all burned and stuff. Overseer is pissed at me. Said we can’t go to the party tonight, but we’re crashing it anyway.
PATSY: Baby you’re the badest!
CHAD: Hey hey…look what I can do. I can balance a Nuka Cola Quantum on my biceps.
PATSY: That’s am-azing! When we get out of here you can be famous or something. You’re so talented.
CHAD: Yeah, we can like…open a gym and show the pleebs how to get big and git good. I think I’ll call it BroFit.
PATSY: I can make overpriced shakes and stuff made of sawdust and grass.
CHAD: That’d be sweet. We could like mess with people and stuff. Tell them to throw tires and appliances, jump rope and dumb stuff like that. They’ll give us loads of money. Hey…let’s get goin’. Turn that thing off. Let’s see what Moose is up to. I had a plan for tonight to liven’ up that lame party.
SCENE3: VAULT 76. MACHINE HUMMING. SOUNDS OF PEOPLE WALKING AND TALKING.
MR. HANDY: Another one of my special Sugar Bomb Malteds ma’am?
AMATA: Ohhhh! I feel so bad, but yes please. I need just one more and I should have all the glucose to get me through writing this Valedictorian speech.
MR. HANDY: That’s nice Ma’am. Look, I’m just here to make malteds. You’ve been rambling on for 4 hours now.
AMATA: Uh! Rude!
JAKE: Hey hey! How many of those malteds have you had?
AMATA: One too many apparently.
JAKE: You gotta keep it tight…who knows what you’ll run into out there.
AMATA: (laughs) Stop tickling me. I hate that.
JAKE: Yeah…you keep saying that, but you do love dishing it out. How goes the big speech?
AMATA: It’s missing something. I did this whole section on civic duty, but it falls kind of flat. I kind of wish I could just skip over this night so we can get out of here for the REAL challenge.
JAKE: So…what are you going to grow first?
AMATA: Oh! Look at these. I genetically cultivated a strain of corn seed that needs 98% less water!
JAKE: That’s incredible…umm…is it supposed to change colors like that?
AMATA: Yeah…I couldn’t isolate the screwy chromosome responsible for that. But it’s kind of festive isn’t it? I call it Party Time Corn! Hey…when’s Simon getting down here? The party’s kicking off.
JAKE: Dunno…he’s probably rambling on in his holojournals again. I’ll be back in a jiffy. Hold a seat for me.
AMATA: Oh Mr. Handy…what do you do when you like a boy and you’ve been waiting 3 years for him to look at you THAT way?
MR. HANDY: I’m a soda jerk, not a therapist bot. Drink your malted ma’am.
SCENE4: VAULT 76. MACHINE HUMMING. SOUNDS OF JAKE WALKING. HE WALKS IN ON SIMON RECORDING.
SIMON: … We’re going to build our farmhouse aligned to the compass points like they did in the old days to maximize the heat of the sun which will help in the cold months. It’s kind of amazing. Out there we can do anything, be anything. Be the best we can be. The Three 76ers! Tomorrow…it begins.
JAKE: Good grief dude. Enough with the exposition already.
SIMON: Ahh! Damn it, ring the doorbell will you. I could’ve been doing anything in here.
JAKE: You have trophies for Best Hair and Cleanest Toilet. I’m not too concerned. Now get your nose out of that electronic fistcuff. You’re going to miss Amata’s big speech.
SIMON: Oh rats! We’re late.
JAKE: Calm down. I have your party hat here. She was getting ready to go on. I think she’s had at least 5 gallons of Sugar Bomb Malts. Remember New Year’s Eve?
SIMON: She had so much sugar she was slow dancing with a potted plant.
JAKE: Hats on, zippers up. Let’s beat feet!
SIMON & JAKE: And not our meat!
MOOSE: Ho ho ho! Hold up there chuckle heads. Where you headed so fast?
SIMON: Ah! Damn it Moose! Lay off you Dunderhead! You’re gonna rip my vault suit.
MOOSE: Nah…a pull here and a YANK there. You need to start showing some respect to the Vault Snakes.
JAKE: More like Trouser Snakes.
MOOSE: What did you say?
JAKE: Leave him alone you wet rag.
CHAD: Well well well…check out these two milksops Pats. Simple Simon and Jerkoff Jake.
PATSY: The lamest dwellers in the Vault.
MOOSE: They looked like they were in a hurry to get to the big party.
CHAD: Where’s that Spazzy Amata at?
SIMON: Up on stage…getting her award from the Overseer.
CHAD: That’s okay…2 in the hand is worth 1 in your bush.
JAKE: Ummm…I don’t think that’-s right blockhead.
VINCE: Hey! What’s going on here?
MOOSE: Not a thing Chief. We were just foolin’ around with our friends here.
PATSY: Is that a new combat vest Security Chief Wilkins? It shows off your bulges real good.
VINCE: Why yes…thank you for noticing Patsy.
SIMON: Ugh…she flirts and gets away with everything.
JAKE: Forget it. Let’s go. We- have places to be.
VINCE: Okay kids…move along. The party should be starting soon.
MOOSE: I’m not done with those 3. If they hadn’t turned us in for the radroach incident, we wouldn’t have lost our Perk Card access for tomorrow.
CHAD: Nah…it’s okay dude. I’ve got it covered. We still have some time yet…come on Pats…let’s Rocket 69.
FOOTSTEPS RECEEDE IN THE DISTANCE. FOOTSTEPS MOVE CLOSER.
OVERSEER: Vince. Problem?
VINCE: Nothing I can’t handle Overseer. Kids being kids.
OVERSEER: Those 3 are going to be a problem. Is everything ready?
VINCE: Yes, the beverages were already dosed. They should start knocking off after midnight. My team will make sure we get everyone tucked in. The standees and supplies will be ready. Everything programmed, the Handy’s will revive them one by one.
OVERSEER: (Sighs) I don’t’ agree with any of this. These are good people, good kids. There’s no reason to set them up for failure from day one. But our instructions were clear.
VINCE: What time are you heading out?
OVERSEER: 5am. Instructions or not, they never said anything about me not leaving things for them. I loaded crates by the Vault door. When it unseals, some of the Handy’s will be dispatched to drag them to key areas. - I’m not going to leave them empty handed. With any luck I can rendezvous with some of them at the stash points.
VINCE: If you say so. Just be careful. You know what Von Braun said. “Flawless execution of testing parameters.” That’s one person you do not want to piss off.
OVERSEER: Vault-Tec…he won’t succeed. Besides, he’s tied up with own experiment.
VINCE: Haven’t we already changed the criteria? Order or no, resetting that door for another 5 years as instructed wasn’t easy. I had to dump 3 computer cores. You realize that means their PipBoy yearometer is going to be useless.
OVERSEER: I wasn’t sending them out into that. I…I believe in them. All except those 3…if his family wasn’t so athletically gifted that Chad would never have made it through the front door. My Welcome Mat has a higher IQ than he does.
SCENE 5: VAULT 76 COMMON. LOTS OF TALKING. AMATA IS HEARD OVER THE LOUDSPEEKERS.
AMATA: …we’ve grown in here, cried in here, and even figured out just how SPECIAL we really are. But this is the mold. That shaped us, groomed us for what is to come. Out there…a new world awaits. Will it be green? Will it be barren? Will we find friend or foe? Centuries ago, author Mark Twain wrote, “Twenty year from now, you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do, so throw off the bowlines, sail away from safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore, Dream, Discover.” 20 years is over! Appalachia!
LOUD CHEERING. MUSIC KICKS OFF.
JAKE: Did we miss much?
AMATA: Where were you guys?
JAKE: We had an encounter of the Moose kind.
AMATA: We ARE not serving them at our farm stand. Chad & Moose are morons and that Patsy can eat dirt. Where’s Simon?
JAKE: Overseer snatched him as I was headed over here. Put him on punch duty. Here, snagged you some.
AMATA: Thanks. What did you think?
JAKE: I mean from the cheers and such I’d say you nailed it.
AMATA: You think so?
JAKE: Course. We wouldn’t have made it through G.O.A.T.s if it weren’t for you. You’re an amazing friend.
AMATA: Oh…is that all?
JAKE: Sure. You’re our queen of the books!
AMATA: Right. This punch tastes funny. You know what I think I might go lie down.
JAKE: But what about the party? It’s just getting going. You’ll miss the countdown at midnight.
AMATA: Sorry…I…I’ve got to go.
JAKE: What did I say?
MR. HANDY: She sat on a stool directly facing your quarters for 4 hours today drinking malteds waiting for you to walk by. You damned kids…Appalachia is doomed…
SCENE 6: VAULT 76 COMMON.
MOOSE: Gimme another swig of that moonshine bro. I can still feel my legs.
CHAD: This punch tastes like Nuka Crap. See that Mr. Handy by the punch? I’m going to pump him full of confetti and hotwire his ass to go postal. But that loser Simon is manning the bowl. I need a distraction Moose Bro.
MOOSE: I’m on it.
PATSY: Baby…you promised me we could dance!
CHAD: We will babe, just need to get this party lit.
MOOSE: Attention please! Moose on mic! Bosworth! Hit A6 on the box!
MR. HANDY: Right away sir.
MOOSE: Yippy yeah, there'll be no wedding bells for today. I've got spurs that jingle, jangel, tinkle. As I go riding merrily along. And they sing, oh, ain't you glad you're single? Hey Betsy…I’m single. Want to get busy on the repopulatin’? I’ll show you why they call me Moose.
BETSY: Ugh…you’re such a pig Moose!
SIMON: No. No. No. Not today…they’ll ruin everything as usual.
SIMON WALKS OVER TO CHIEF VINCE AND THE OVERSEER.
VINCE: …I haven’t thought much about it personally. If there’s anything left of the military, I may restart the National Guard if someone hasn’t already.
SIMON: Excuse me Chief…ummm Moose is on the shine again. Remember World Cup night?
VINCE: Oh for Pete’s sake…let’s go.
SOUND OF SOFT FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING MR. HANDY.
MR. HANDY: Mr. Johnson. Can I serve you a malted?
CHAD: Nah bro. I’ve had my protein all ready. Let me show you something.
SOUNDS OF METAL PLATE BEING OPENED. ELECTRICAL SHORTS.
MR. HANDY: Sir! What are you doing? You do….not…have…..acccesssssss.
PATSY: Hurry up! Someone will notice.
CHAD: Nah…they’re busy watching Moose. Open up that cupboard over there. Drag those bags over.
PATSY: What is this?
CHAD: Confetti of course. Been stockpiling some for a while.
SOUND OF BAGS BEING EMPTIED.
CHAD: Just about done….now to rewire his combat thingy.
PATSY: You’re so smart with mechanic stuff.
CHAD: Before Dad kicked it choking on Old Possum he showed me a trick or two….there!
MR. HANDY POWERS BACK TO LIFE. BECOMES HOSTILE.
MR. HANDY: Well what do we have here? Who's ready to have their ass kicked?!
SOUNDS OF SPRAYING AND SCREAMING.
JAKE: What in the hell?
MR. HANDY: What is your major malfunction, maggot?!
CHAD: This is epic…you can’t even see anything.
OVERSEER: Vince! What the hell is going on?
VINCE: I can’t see where the damned thing is. Mr. Handy on the fritz.
MOOSE: This is even better than World Cup night.
HIGH FIVES CLAPS.
MR. HANDY: You better run, you commie-loving bastards!
OVERSEER: Forget it Vince….it’s almost midnight!
MR. HANDY: There's nothing I like better than making some other poor bastard die for hís country!
BETSY: Moose stop grabbing my ass!
EVERYONE: Happy Reclamation Day!
LOUD CHEERS. AN ELECTRICAL SURGE IS HEARD.
VINCE: There…god damned robots.
MR. HANDY: Box me up and send me home Sarge.
CHAD: I feel kind of funny.
PATSY: Forget it…let’s dance!
MOOSE: Look…just dance with me Betsy. One dance.
BETSY: Okay…fine…but keep your hands ABOVE my waist you Cro-Magnon.
JAKE: Well…Happy Reclamation Day bud.
SIMON: You too. Where’s Amata?
JAKE: She…had to go.
SIMON: Everything okay?
JAKE: Yup…seeing things differently now.
SIMON: Come on…one last round in the arcade. Tomorrow…it begins.
SCENE 7: INT. VAULT 76. CHAD’S ROOM.
CHAD: Oh man…too much moonshine. What time is it? Oh crap…missed the opening. I need to get cracking. Mirror check? Totally Chad. I could stand here another 20 minutes fixing my hair, but why mess with perfection? Ah…can’t forget my electrical fistcuff thing.
INT. VAULT 76 COMMON.
MR. HANDY: Proceed to the exit please. This facility will be terminating life support shortly.
CHAD: Hey hey! Mr. Malteds.
MR. HANDY: I’m still getting confetti out of my servo housing…SIR. Don’t let the Vault door hit you on the way out.
SOUNDS OF RUNNING UP HALLWAY.
CHAD: Nice! 1 bottle of Rad-X and 1 bottle of purified water. That should last at last 15 minutes. Any other supplies?
MR. HANDY: No! Stay hydrated out there!
SOUNDS OF RUNNING UP HALLWAY.
CHAD: Okay cool…some instant heal injector meta things and a bag of bye bye radiation.
MR. HANDY: If your limbs they are a hurtin’ stick yourself with a janky needle!
SOUNDS OF RUNNING UP HALLWAY.
CHAD: Now what? Nice! A backpack…nails, hammer…and some wood scraps.
MR. HANDY: Build a shack. Make it yours!
SOUNDS OF RUNNING UP HALLWAY.
CHAD: Another party hat. Don’t need that crap.
SOUNDS OF WALKING.
CHAD: What this thing?
MR. HANDY: This is your C.A.M.P. sir, with it, you can build and fabricate adequate shelter.
CHAD: I mean…that’s cool bro, but why not make it a backpack. I have to lug this box around all over the place? Seems kind of poorly designed.
MR. HANDY: Just take it and move along please.
SOUNDS OF WALKING.
CHAD: Now where to…a slide show. Yeah, no thanks. What’s this? A pair of glasses, a pen and SWEET! Perk Cards.
MR. HANDY: No. Those AREN’T for you. Overseer’s orders.
CHAD: Nah. It’s cool robo dude. I understand.
SOUNDS OF SMASHING METAL, ELECTRICAL CIRCUITS FRYING.
MR. HANDY: Ah! Under attack…under…
CHAD: Survival of the fittest dude. Only way to survive and thrive out there. If my old man taught me anything…it’s don’t sleep with fat chics and make your own opportunities. I’ll be taking these.
MR. HANDY: Right this way sir.
CHAD: Hey…you seen anyone dude? Moose and Patsy?
MR. HANDY: Everyone has left sir.
CHAD: What? They bailed on me? In all honesty I was going to bail on Patsy anyway. New world, new opportunities.
VAULT DOOR BEGINS OPENING.
CHAD: This…is going to be awesome. Appleochoa…meet Chad.
SCENE 8: EXT. FOREST ROADWAY. SOUND OF JOGGING.
GHOUL: Hold it right there smoothskin!
CHAD: Whoa! Easy there! What happened to you? You look like an old BandAid.
GHOUL: Very funny. How about you give me that backpack and that Vault suit?
CHAD: I mean…I could do that bro, but people usually buy me dinner before asking me to strip.
GHOUL: Your threads smart guy! Last time I’m askin’!
CHAD: Is that a pipe you made into a pistol? That’s cute. Hey…want to see what I found? All these novelty Chinese robot water sprinklers hanging out around the Vault. Decided to keep one just in case.
ANGRY ROBOT NOISES. INCOHERENT. STARTS MAKING SPRINKLER NOISES.
GHOUL: Ah Jesus! What is that stuff?
CHAD: Oh I filled it’s water reservoir with acid.
GHOUL: My fuckin’ eyes!
SIZZLING NOISES. MORE ANGRY INCOHERENT CHINESE SPEAKING.
CHAD: Yeah….these things sure razz my berries.
GHOUL: You…son of a bitch…(death rattle)
CHAD: Come on jimbo…enough sprinkling for today. Now…let’s see what you’ve got for Chad.
SOUNDS OF METAL CLANGING.
CHAD: What the hell? There’s stuff inside this dude.
SOUNDS OF SKIN TEARING.
CHAD: This dude is packin’ some gears, springs…wrenches….busted TV, some pots and pans. What the hell…I’ll take this cool wood armor though. Nice…now to see if I can scrounge up some lunch.
SOUNDS OF JOGGING AWAY
SCENE 9: EXT. FOREST ROADWAY.
MR. HANDY: Lemonade! Get your fresh squeezed lemonade here. (sigh) If I could override my own programming. 25 years I’ve been sitting here.
SUSIE: If you go down to the woods today. You're sure of a big surprise.
MR. HANDY: I don’t believe it! Lemonade! Get your lemonade right here!
SUSIE: If you go down to the woods today…You'd better go in disguise. Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic.
MR. HANDY: Hello young miss! How about some fresh squeezed lemonade! My goodness miss…what happened to your face?
SUSIE: Oh look Ella! Lemonade! Remember lemonade?!
ELLA: It’s sweet and tart. Let’s have some!
MR. HANDY: That’ll be 40 caps miss.
SUSIE: Oh no Ella…he wants bottlecaps.
ELLA: Maybe we should tickle his fanny with this switchblade! Tee hee!
SUSIE: That’s a swell idea!
MR. HANDY: What are you…no…stop…
SOUNDS OF SMASHING AND CUTTING.
MR. HANDY: Stop miss…you’re cutting off my arms.
ELLA: Tickle my fanny! Tee hee!
SUSIE: Look Ella! He’s funny now. He has no arms.
MR. HANDY: What have you done? How can I make lemonade?
SUSIE: Oh Ella…he’s a sourpuss.
ELLA: Let’s smash his voicebox so he can still keep on livin’ but can’t say nothin’! Tee hee!
SUSIE: That’ll be silly!
SMASHING. ELECTRICAL SHORT.
SUSIE: There! All better. Now WE can play Lemonade stand Ella!
ELLA: Lemons tickle my insides! Tee hee!
SUSIE: Oh look! Someone’s coming in one of those funny blue suits.
ELLA: Maybe SHE wants some special lemonade.
SUSIE: Let’s add our special ingredient!
TINKLE OF MIXING PITCHER OF LEMONADE. SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.
BETSY: Lemonade! I’ve never had lemonade…oh you poor thing. What happened to you?
SUSIE: We got trapped in a car. When it got quiet, we came out but Mommy and Daddy were gone and our skin started getting all funny.
ELLA: Tickle my fanny! Tee hee!
SUSIE: It’s just Ella and me now…but we’re okay!
BETSY: Well I’m glad you’re okay. How about I buy some of your lemonade. It looks like everyone trades with bottle caps out here.
SUSIE: Yup! 10 caps please!
BETSY: Deal! Say…this is some great lemonade!
SUSIE: Fresh squeezed!
BETSY: What’s that back there? Some broken parts?
SUSIE: Just some junk. Ella and I love making junk.
BETSY: (coughing) That’s…great…ah…can’t…breathe….
ELLA: Time to go to sleep! Tee hee!
SUSIE: We love caps! I’ll bet you have a lot we can take now. If you go out to the woods today…you’re in for a big surprisseeeeeee…
BETSY: What did you…you little bitch…
ELLA: Bad words are nasty!
SUSIE: Oh you’re a bad bad lady…and that’s the way the teddy bears have their picnic…
BODY COLLAPSES TO STREET.
SUSIE: Oh boy Ella! She had ALL kinds of sparklies! And look at all these caps!
ELLA: Let’s drag her into the bushes and see if we can get some more!
SUSIE: Great idea Ella!
SOUNDS OF BODY BEING DRAGGED.
SCENE 10: EXT. FOREST ROADWAY.
LUMBER BOT 1: I’m telling yah Jacks, those pines are where it’s at. Give me a tall, slim…with just enough bend. Oh man. I could strip that bark all night. Remember that 20 footer in the back 9? I knocked her down real good.
LUMBER BOT 2: Nah mate, it’s those maples. Thick in the middle, a big spread along the top if you know what I’m sayin’. I like em a little big. Means more time sawin’ you know what I’m sayin’?
SOUNDS OF APPROACHING JOGGING.
CHAD: Hey dudes. What is this place?
LUMBER BOT 1: Whoa! What do we have here?!
LUMBER BOT 2: (wolf whistle) You’ve got a sweet ASH!
LUMBER BOT 1: Oh yeah…look at the bark on that armor…hey hunny you want to come back to my pod so I can rub some beeswax on that?
CHAD: You mean to polish my wood, tin can? What’s your deal bro? What is this place?
LUMBER BOT 2: What’s it look like? We mill wood here.
LUMBER BOT 1: Yeah…we do ALL kinds. You gotta watch out for those other guys though…they don’t know how to treat a sweet chassis like you.
LUMBER BOT 2: You got a name sweet thing?
CHAD: Chad…but I don’t do robots. So you can tiptoe through the roses with someone else fruit.
LUMBER BOT 1: Now, now…no need to get hostile. We’re just getting to know each other.
LUMBER BOT 2: Yeah why don’t you come over here and sit on my servo.
CHAD: Well ring-a-ding-ding…I’m officially out.
SOUNDS OF RUNNING AWAY.
LUMBER BOT 1: Hey hey! Get your sweet ash back here!
LUMBER BOT 2: I told you mate…you come on too strong.
LUMBER BOT 1: Shut up Jacks…
SCENE 11: EXT. FOREST ROADWAY.
SUSIE: Lemonade! Get your lemonade right here!
CHAD: Hey hey….what’s buzzin’ cousin?
SUSIE: Oh! Another customer Ella!
ELLA: Let’s go get him!
CHAD: How goes it little bit?
SUSIE: Hi there! Would you like some fresh squeezed lemonade?
CHAD: Is it made with real lemons?
SUSIE: I dunno. Why don’t you take a sip and see for yourself?
CHAD: Nah…I’m not a fan of tart stuff, unless she’s in a short dress. (Laughs)
SUSIE: You’re weird.
CHAD: Weird makes the world go around. You know what they say, too many chefs…not enough Indians.
SUSIE: (laughs) That’s funny.
CHAD: Say…you stay out in the sun too long?
SUSIE: What did you say?
CHAD: I’m not tryin’ to rattle your cage. What happened to your skin?
SUSIE: I’m a little ghoul silly. That’s what the other ghouls said I was now.
CHAD: That’s the royal shaft right there. It’s okay…at least you’re still livin’! My name is Chad.
ELLA: Tee hee! Maybe HE wants to tickle my fanny!
CHAD: Whoa! Is that a pre-war Tickle My Fanny Ella?
SUSIE: Yes. Her name is Ella. I’m Susie. We’re forever friends.
CHAD: Yeah…I have some friends out here too I’m trying to find. You haven’t seen them have you? Big dude with a bit of drawl…name of Moose. And this pin-up lookin’ girl named Patsy?
SUSIE: Uhh…nuh uh. You SURE you don’t want any lemonade?
CHAD: Yeah…I’m sure little bit. Also a word of advice…if you’re going to open up a lemonade and death stand, you might want to hide that dismembered bot and that box of rat poison a little better.
CHAD: Time to agitate the gravel ankle-biter! Catch yah later!
SOUNDS OF JOGGING AWAY.
ELLA: I like him! He can tickle MY fanny anytime!
SUSIE: Don’t be nasty Ella. But he was funny. Maybe we’ll see him again! Let’s hid that secret ingredient better so we can have more customers!
SCENE 12: INT. ALPINE CABINS. CRICKETS CHIRP. SCREAMS RANDOMLY HEARD. WEIRD NOISES.
TAPE REEL BEGINS TRANSCRIBING.
CHAD: ...how do I record with this fistcuff dude? Is this thing working? Okay...sick. APALAPACHIAPET, Day 1. I am totally hungover kid. Had some tube steaks for lunch I stole off some loser for lunch in the town of Flatchest. Washed it down with some janky moonshine I found in a shack. Need to start makin’ plans. The Overseer was droning on and on last night about rebuilding or some sheet. First thing I'm going to do? NUKES GUY! Everyone's house just after they finish building it. I can’t believe it’s been a whole day already. I found some weird leaves by the water, trying to roll an ace…have me a joy smoke.
SOUNDS OF COUGHING.
CHAD: Ah…this stuff burns dude. Still no sign of Moose or Pats. I ran into a few losers from the Vault trying to check out some ammo boxes and the stank corpse of some respander chic. Shoved past them, looted it all and headed for the hills. So far so lame. Need to find a good spot to build Casa De Chad…or maybe name my place The Bone Zone. I found some wrecked cabins to crash in for the night. I think this grass is getting to my head…the pictures keep moving. Some chick is screaming out there....I think this place is haunted kid.
TAPE REEL DISENGAGES.
SCENE 13: EXT. FOREST. DAY. SOUNDS OF SPLASHING.
JAKE: 3 weeks out here. 3 weeks of Molerats eating my pants and jizzin’ on my shoes.
SOUNDS OF CRUNCHING BRANCHES AND LEAVES. JAKE COCKS A PISTOL.
JAKE: Who’s there? I have a pistol here that’s ready to turn your head into a canoe.
CHAD: JACK! It’s me! Chad!
JAKE: It’s Jake. How…how are you Chad.
CHAD: Call me Mr. 5x5 bro! What have you been up to?
JAKE: Surviving. You ah…mind? I’m trying to soap up here.
CHAD: No worries…you do you. Hey, you seen Moose or Patsy around?
JAKE: Nope…not a soul except some randoms from different levels. No one we knew well.
CHAD: Damn…I wonder where they went off to. Hey, I’ve got just the thing for you dude. It’s call LiquidBro, 500% of your daily protein intake. I’m going to be setting up a gym and training facility. Do some personal coaching. You look like you could use some workin’ out Chad Atlas style. I’ll have throwing tires in no time.
JAKE: What’s in that stuff? It looks like curdled milk.
CHAD: It’s uh….curdled Brahmin milk. With some special herbs and spices.
JAKE: Yeah, no thanks.
CHAD: Suit yourself dude, but you’re not going to ditch that poindexter body on rum and weeds alone.
JAKE: (Voice low) I want to kill you and eat you so bad.
CHAD: What’d you say dude?
JAKE: Nothing…look I gotta finish soaping up and get back to my camp. I’ll see you later okay?
CHAD: Sure thing man. Nice to see you again!
SOUNDS OF CRUNCHING BRANCHES AND LEAVES, RECEEDING.
JAKE: Of all the people to run into out here. God I hate that guy.
SPLASHES AS JAKE HEADS TO THE BANK.
JAKE: Jesus that’s cold. Wha…where’s my clothes? That son of a bitch took my clothes! What the hell am I supposed to wear?
ROBOTIC WALKING SOUND APPROACHING.
INSULT BOT: Good afternoon Ma’am.
JAKE: What? I’m a dude.
INSULT BOT: The water must be cold because I couldn’t tell the difference (drum hit)
JAKE: Not a good day to court death tin can.
INSULT BOT: Keep your pants on human…or not (drum hit). I have just been given a special delivery and an insult-o-gram.
JAKE: What insult-o-gram?
INSULT BOT: Insult-o-gram song engaged. Initiating playback.
(Harmonica sound) Splish splash, while you were taking a bath
I have stolen your clothes and likely incurred your wrath
But don’t get into a funk, there’s no hard feelings
You can hide your junk with this piece of ceiling!
Insult-o-gram has been delivered. Have a miserable day.
SOUND OF ROBOT WALKING AWAY
JAKE: That’s…that’s just great. What is this? Asbestos? I’m going to kill that son of a…
TAPE REEL BEGINS TRANSCRIBING.
CHAD: APPLEACHIA, Day 41: Sun and stuff. Found a town this AM. Stabbed some cows and learned how to make some jerkoff jerky. Found a cool combat knife...spent a few hours stabbing newbs. Still looking for a spot to setup my pad. Camping out overnight at this lighthouse. I killed a bunch of these weird ass toads. They had this green juice that glowed...drank some of that and I’m trippin’ balls!
SOUNDS OF CRUNCHING LEAVES.
CHAD: Whoa! Who’s there?
PRIEST: Good evening good sir. I see you found our shrine.
CHAD: Your what?
PRIEST: Our shrine. You sit upon the apex of the Great Light. Allow me to introduce myself, I am Solomon, High Priest of the Reformed Orthodox Bulb Bringers.
CHAD: I’m not buyin what you’re sellin’ dude.
PRIEST: No no my child. I’m not sellin’ anything. What His Light can give you however can make you more powerful than any beneath you.
CHAD: Okay dude…you’ve got my attention.
PRIEST: You have imbibed the Emerald Essence of the Toads. We must alight to the pinnacle.
CHAD: Do you have a translation book? I don’t understand a word you’re saying Big Daddy.
PRIEST: Walk up the damned stairs with me.
CHAD: Okay, okay…chill.
SOUNDS OF WALKING AND CLAMBERING UP IRON STAIRS.
PRIEST: Centuries ago, this Great Light was built. With it, He came, with his Light.
CHAD: I’m comin’ down dude while I’m goin’ up. Here…have a drag of this giggle weed.
SOUNDS OF A ROACH BEING LIT AND INHALED.
PRIEST: No, no…I must keep myself pure for His Vapors.
CHAD: So (coughing) who is this dude?
PRIEST: It is He Who Flies Around the Porch Light. In his vapors, the past, the present and future…all becomes clear.
CHAD: So these vapors…you snort them or?
PRIEST: Ah! Here we are. Now…deposit the Emerald Essence of the Toads in the receptacle.
CHAD: Say what now?
SOUNDS OF A PUNCH TO THE GUT.
CHAD: Ah you (vomit noise).
PRIEST: Yes yes! Now…stand back…I strike the match.
A ROAR OF FIRE AND THE LIGHTHOUSE BEACON POWERS UP.
CHAD: Jesus you religious nut…you punched me! I’m going to kill you.
PRIEST: Yes, yes! We have lit the Great Light! Look he comes!
A FURIOUS FLUTTERING NOISE IS HEAD. SOMETHING SOARS TO THE GROUND WITH A THUD.
PRIEST: Quickly! Descend! He awaits!
CHAD: What the hell is that thing dude?
SOUND OF RUNNING DOWN METAL STAIRS.
MOTHMAN: For 10,000 years I have slept and…oh hey Solomon.
PRIEST: Yes Lord! You have returned. I have brought an acolyte.
CHAD: Are you a bird or something?
MOTHMAN: Yes…I’m a bird. Really Solomon? Is this the best you can find me? We’re not going to gather all the lamps with people this stupid.
CHAD: What are you?
MOTHMAN: Behold…inhale my vapors!
ANGRY MOTH NOISES.
CHAD: Dude…I can smell sounds! I feel…powerful…I see…Simon…and his house. I see…a battlefield…and something coming out of his pants…what the…
PRIEST: Yes, yes he sees the future!
MOTHMAN: Let’s hurry this up. I have a porchlight to bang into for a few hours.
PRIEST: Let us sing His song: No Mothman No Cry!
CHAD: (singing) No Mothman No Cry….bruh…I am Woke as fuck!
SCENE 14: EXT. FOREST. CHAD’S CAMP.
TAPE REEL DISENGAGES.
CHAD: APPLESAUCE, Day 44: Followed my vision from the Birdman and I found that Simon kid from the Vault. Started sneaking out some of his supplies. He’s completely clueless. He has work benches and everything setup. Going to head over there at 4am tomorrow morning to repair my combat armor. That will be funny as hell. He woke up pissed this morning. Going to go kill and rob some noobs from the Vault today. Another amazing day to be Chad!
SOUNDS OF ECHOING GUNSHOTS.
SCENE 15: EXT. FOREST. DAY. SOUNDS OF LIGHT FOOTSTEPS WALKING. BIRDS SINGING. FLOWING WATER.
SUSIE: What do you think we should do today Ella?
ELLA: Let’s cut some people! Tee hee!
SUSIE: Maybe we can find some more of that yummy Nuka Cola Quantum! It tickles my belly.
ELLA: Oh I love when things tickle my fanny!
SUSIE: Shhh…look Ella! Someone new!
PLEASANT NATURE SOUNDS. BIRDS SINGING, WATER FLOWING.
SIMON (vo): (Singing) Country Roads…takeeee meee homeeee…gonna diiiiggg…a shallow grave…West Virginia….mountain mama….take Chad to hell….country roads. There. Well…now’s as good a time as any to tell you I’m glad you’re dead. You know…once you pull the trigger that first time, it feels…okay after a while. Moose…that fool Patsy. With luck, I’ll run into them as well and clear out my soul for 19 years of torment. Sleep well buddy!
SOUNDS OF SIMON WALKING AWAY.
SUSIE: Ella…did you hear that? Do you think that he buried that nice man we met with the big arms?
ELLA: It could be! Tee hee!
SUSIE: Come on Ella…let’s see if we can wake him up. I liked him.
SOUNDS OF DIGGING BY HAND.
SUSIE: This dirt’s nice and loose!
ELLA: Just like me. Tee hee!
SUSIE: Don’t be gross Ella. Oh look…here’s his leg! Let’s keep digging! If he’s really dead…maybe we can build a castle on his belly afterward.
ELLA: That sounds fun!
SUSIE: Yeah…that’s him. Here’s his head…oh it’s all sticky!
ELLA: Maybe we should try sticking him with one of those needle thingies! TEE HEE!
SUSIE: If you say so…where do I stick it?
ELLA: His fanny?
SUSIE: ELLA! No, let’s stick it here. Daddy always used to call it Mommy’s favorite part…
RESPAWN AND INJECTION SOUND. RAGGED BREATHING AND CHOKING.
CHAD: Ah…son of a bitch…my nuts!
SUSIE: We did it! Yay!
CHAD: What the hell…that bastard shot me…hey….I know you!
SUSIE: Of course you do silly!
CHAD: You brought me back?
SUSIE: You were only MOSTLY dead. I stuck you with these needle things. All better!
CHAD: He shot me right in the head…and buried me??
SUSIE: He looked like a real loser. His singing hurt my head.
ELLA: Let’s cut him!
CHAD: No…no…we can do better than that.
DIRT SHIFTS AND CHAD GETS OUT OF GRAVE.
CHAD: Well? You comin?
FOOTSTEPS ON LEAVES.
CHAD: Well I’m not askin’ twice. You could use some looking after. And I kind of like how you roll with the whole creepy little girl thing and the possessed talking doll.
ELLA: I’m not possessed. YOU’RE possessed. Tee hee!
SUSIE: You mean it? We haven’t had any friends here…in a long, long time.
CHAD: Sure. Tag along. Keep up. Keep the judging to a minimum and when I say kill…we kill. Simple. I know a little diner near here with some Perfectly Preserved Pie.
SUSIE: Pie is my favorite! My Daddy used to love eating Mommy’s pie. Or so he said.
CHAD: I’ll bet he did. You know what? I think this is going to be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
OUTRO MUSIC RISES.
KEN: Since day one, I have proudly been part of the Robots Radio Network, a little enclave of passionate podcasts hosts. Please stay tuned to learn more about some of our podcasts I think you’ll like.
COMMERCIAL FOR PODCAST.