S1E12 Transcript

"Year 1: Crimes Against Appalachia"

These transcripts are for your enjoyment, but please do not reuse, readapt or reproduce without express written permission. ~ Ken


  • Alexander Luthor ~ Chad Johnson
  • Kenneth Vigue ~ Simon Rex
  • Jessica Duval ~ Susie/Ella
  • Paul M Watson ~ Jake White(VO)
  • Taylor Jinx Knight ~ Amata Hayes (VO)
  • Clint Winberry ~ Moose Miller
  • Christian Mower ~ Punch
  • Jessica Marie Dickey ~ Patsy Parker / Mary Ann Belts
  • Mark Hauswirth ~ Brian Williams
  • Mary Kalopodes-Saunders ~ Overseer
  • Joseph Picard ~ Chief of Security Albert Vince (VO)
  • Tom Blair ~ Dr. Charles Taylor
  • Kevin Chenard: Merchant / District Attorney Malcolm Fletcher
  • Ray Middelthon ~ Commander Connor Johns (VO)
  • Lucy Middelthon ~ Lt. Kori Anders (VO)
  • Brandon Ledford ~ Officer Isaac Hawkins
  • Robert Solomon ~ High Priest of the Reformed Orthodox Bulb Bringers and Part Time Public Defender
  • Cody Hightower ~ Jim / Hugo
  • Peter Anthony Buxton ~ Scoutmaster Stewart (VO)
  • Jorian Koeten ~ Insult Bot (VO)
  • Morgan Brown ~ Karen Maidenhead (VO)
  • GUEST: Pete Hines ~ “The Judge”


KEN:                       This is Kenneth Vigue. As you probably know by now on February 29th, we presented our very first live performance on Bethesda’s stage at Game Days during PAX East in Boston. It was an incredible day…and one I’m never going to forget. Meeting many of you fans, hanging with the Bethesda Team and spending most of the morning with Vice President “Uncle” Pete Hines is something that I will treasure and remember always. It was also the first time the cast were together and it was wonderful spending time together…there was incident with a Boston bar, a lot of drinking, drag queens and an off key but soulful rendition of, “Country Roads” at karaoke…but I think you’d have to been there. I wanted to do something big, but also was limited to a stage space and a limited runtime. In the end I wrote an episode that was twice as long as we could do…so I had to cut a lot. Reintroduced here in a special director’s cut episode is the episode I wanted to do. Enjoy! And as always, this post-apocalyptic podcast contains some foul language, dark humor and depictions of well warranted violence. You have been warned. Proceed through the Vault Door at your own risk.

SIMON:                In the old days, back in the Vault I loved reading comic books. Captain Ermagherd… Feeble The Vegetarian… even the Bland Banshee. Everything was so much simpler then. This guy ties a woman to a train track. Villain. That woman builds a cosmic death ray. Villain. In reality the villains are never who you think. They don’t set out to be villains. But sometimes circumstances force you to make a choice. A definitive, perfect choice. Between light and dark there is a very wide swatch of gray.

Villains are never who you think. One morning over 2 decades ago now, the world finally opened its eyes as the greatest of all lights seared their vision. I think in those final moments, beyond politics, conflict and paranoia they realized that each and every one of them was responsible for the Ending. That it was their fault. But amongst all of those blind fools, there was one person who had the courage and clarity to push a button to stop it all. Because from the ashes…from a clean slate, life returned, simplicity returned…and sanity prevailed. Yet we call that person a villain. How far would you go to stop the madness?

                                They had a saying in the old days. “War. War never changes.” Well guess what? We did. My name is Simon Rex and this is the story of how I became a villain.


CMDR JOHNS:   New Responders 5-0 Polic-=e Log continued. 10:45pm officers responded to a call that a man in a clown suit was using an illegal paint ball gun on people’s homes outside Grafton. Suspect arrested. Illegal weapon dispatched to Dev Room Forbidden Archive. 11:36pm a Mr. SinisterHand called 9-1-1 on coms after ingesting a Vox Interpreter Dart at the behest of that same nameless merchant we’ve been trying to track down. Victim has turned a permanent purple…some kind of shimmering haze. Paramedics attempted remedies. In the end suggested he find complimentary clothing to suit his new look. Police Log complete.

CMDR JOHN:      What a fucking day.

SFX: Drawer opened. Bottle opened and chugged.

SFX: Door Knock

CMDR JOHNS:   What is it? I asked not to be disturbed.

ANDERS: Connor?

CMDR JOHNS:   Oh sorry hun. Just…taking a break.

ANDERS: Yeah…how many bottles do you have in that drawer anyway?

CMDR JOHNS:   Please don’t. Not tonight. Extremely long day.

ANDERS: It’s about to get longer.

CMDR JOHNS:   (sighs) What now.

ANDERS: Today alone we’ve had 10. That’s 10 more police reports on the Vault 69 Gym.


ANDERS: And that’s not all. We got a wellness call on Black Bear Lodge from the Aristocracy. Sent Officers Barnett and Black up there and the place a blood bath. Skeletons everywhere.

CMDR JOHNS:   Simon again?

ANDERS: Likely. Teeth marks of the same radius as the others we’ve found.

CMDR JOHNS:   Enough is enough. Call in Isaac Hawkins and assemble a Firebreathers task force. We have more than evidence to get a clean conviction at this point. It’s time to end this…one year is enough.


SFX: Gym Ambiance

CHAD:                   (singing) Here comes A Pleeb Whose Five by Five

One of those big fat bouncing boys

Solid octopus

Mister Five by Five

Dudes so fat he’s five feet wide or something bro…

Hey! I wanna see you throw that cannonball medicine thing farther Wilkins! This gym has no room for milk soak losers. And Bradley, you have another case of that Nuka Cola to chug. Let’s see you do 20 burpbees. What? Well you shotgun that bottle dude, start burping and then try and outrun that pissed off giant bee thing we have out back. Git gud.

MOOSE:               That giant beehive thing sucks bro. It keeps shooting those mini bees in my bedroom window while Pats and I are trying to get it on.

CHAD:                   Yeah I know…I had to kick it in the hive a few times…but the little bit is keen on it. When she gets tired of it and finds another “kitty” to play with, we’ll harvest the thing for adhesive.

MOOSE:               Hey hey… here comes a hot piece of trouble.

PATSY:                  Hey baby! Look at these bottle of purified water I got!

CHAD:                   Where’d you get those, Pats?

PATSY:                  I broke into some loser’s camp’s and stole the water out of their purifier. I had so much I was able to run myself my first bath in a month!

MOOSE:               You smell amazing! Let’s make out!

PATSY:                  Eww…no…you’re going to take a bath too. Like, there are things totally living in your beard and I think one of them swore at me last night.

CHAD:                   Hey! I got a sweet idea. Let’s toss those waters in our vending machines out front and build some more fireplaces. Tell these workout tools it’s a new hot workout therapy to burn calories. We can charge them 50 caps per bottle. We’ll make a mint. Hey…where’d the little ankle biter got off to?

PATSY:                  Ugh…she’s out back with Punch having some kind of weird tea party.

MOOSE:               Oops. I’m late. I gotta go coach the dwarf toss.

PATSY:                  And then SHOWER! You’re totally grody.

                                                                SFX: FADE OUT SOUND EFFECTS AMBIANCE. GYM.

                                                                SFX: FADE IN SOUND EFFECTS AMBIANCE. FOREST.

SUSIE:                   (Humming Teddy Bears Picnic) Isn’t this nice, Punch? Ella and I made some nummy sweet tea. Maybe later we can go find some friends to come over and play!

ELLA:                     Let’s tranq some of those Vault Dwelling weirdoes, tie them up, and tickle THEIR fannies! Tee hee!

SUSIE:                   Oh that sounds fun, Ella! Now drink your sweet tea Mr. Punch, before it gets cold.

PUNCH:                Punch not like brown water. Looks like poo.

SUSIE:                   No, no it’s tea. You put some leaves and twigs in some toilet paper and make a little packet and then soak it in the hot water. Then you put some honey in from our little kitty!

PUNCH:                HUN YEE? What HUN YEE?

SUSIE:                   I dunno. It’s like a sticky stuff that tastes nummy. You put it in things to make it taste good.

PUNCH:                SWEAT T taste good?

ELLA:                     For Christ’s sake you big green moron, just drink it! You’re achin’ for a breakin’ tee hee!

PUNCH:                Punch scared of weird little toy. Punch try brown drink.

                                                                SFX: CHINA SHATTERING. SPLASHING

ELLA:                     You’re supposed to drink it, not eat the whole cup you cabbage head! Maybe we could all tickle my fanny and then commit some casual homicide! Tee hee!

SUSIE:                   Ummm…how was it, Mr. Punch?

PUNCH:                Punch like. Crunchy bits yummy in tummy like puny human bones. Say…here come puny human now!


HAWKINS:           Ummm…excuse me, is this the Vault 69 gym? I was napping and someone piled all these flyers on top of me along with some scarecrows and lanterns and an arrow sign that called me tubby.

PUNCH:                Ooooohhh! You much tubby! Punch put you in brick oven. Slow roast with gravy and beer.

HAWKINS:           Oh my god, what?

SUSIE:                   No Mr. Punch! Remember what Chad said.

PUNCH:                (Sad) Ohhhhh…no roast for Punch….

SUSIE:                   Sure Mister! Come on in! Let’s go, Ella!

                                                                SFX: FADE OUT SOUND EFFECTS AMBIANCE. FOREST.

                                                                SFX: FADE IN SOUND EFFECTS AMBIANCE. GYM.

CHAD:                   Hey hey! There she is! What are up to, curtain climber?

SUSIE:                   We found another fatty!

ELLA:                     Let’s throw him into the pit and steal the junk out of his paper bag when he’s dead tee hee!

HAWKINS:           That child is rude.

CHAD:                   Careful what you say there dude. You here to learn about the dynamic tension, barrel tossin’, questionable effectiveness of my BroFit program?

HAWKINS:           Well sure…what’s involved?

CHAD:                   Here at the Vault 69 gym we turn string bean weaklings and quarter ton heifers like yourself into the kind of majestic, toned wall of muscle before you.

HAWKINS:           That’s a great pitch and all, but what exactly do you teach? Are you even Vault-Tec certified in fitness or are you just con artists?

CHAD:                   Wut? No no bro. We’re 5x5. Uhhh…you know what? You look like a slick dude, so I’m gonna let you in on our newest program.

HAWKINS:           What is it?

CHAD:                   It’s the…uhhh…Appalachoa….Applatch….Apammama….the Applesauce Ninja Gypsy Warrior program. We train you in total cardio and endurance running in a series of obstacle courses over at the New River Gorge Resort. Before you know it, you’ll be able to outrun those little molerat potato things without breakin’ a sweat. Uhhh…but first my bro, Moose, here has to get you started with conditioning.

MOOSE:               What?

CHAD:                   Conditioning dude.

MOOSE:               Huh?

CHAD:                   Our special room FOR TRAINING bro.

MOOSE:               Oh right. My bad. Let me make sure the deathtraps are re-armed.

HAWKINS:           The whatnow?

CHAD:                   (laughing) Moose here is just yankin’ your crank dude. Right this way.

PATSY:                  Ummm…we lost 6 people on the gorge tight walk thing. But you should see how much flux we got! Who’s this loser?

CHAD:                   Oh Pats…(whispers) Shut up…this dude is a live one.

PATSY:                  Oh right. Like, follow me!

HAWKINS:           Small room.  Kind of narrow hallway. What is that…confetti on the floor?

CHAD:                   Huh? No dude. You just head down to the end there. There’s, like, a autoerotic exercise bike or something for you to ride.

MOOSE:               Yeah dude it’s great. I love ridin’ that thing.

HAWKINS:           Okay. I’ve seen enough. Hawkins to Firebreathers. Hit em.


CHAD:                   Ah, you shot me in my ballsack with a dart. Imma murder you!


PATSY:                  Owie! There’s this dart thing in my left tit! It’s going to leave a mark!


MOOSE:               Uhhh…I don’t think this thing works on me.

HAWKINS:           Hit him again! Take him down!


MOOSE:               Owww dude! There’s like 5 of these things in my ass.

HAWKINS:           Felons acquired. Send a reclaim team to bring them back to HQ. We’re going to need a forensics team. I’ve never seen a trap base this awful. There are paper bags everywhere…I’m gonna be sick….

                                                                SFX: FADE IN MUSIC SCENE TRANSITION.


                                                                SFX: FADE IN SOUND EFFECTS AMBIANCE. FOREST.

SIMON:                APPALACHIA, DAY…whatever. It’s sunny at least. It’s been weeks since the incident at the Black Bear Lodge and Slick Willy’s Waterpark with EATT and the Aristocracy. I’m missing the clean comforts of the Whitespring already. Last night I took shelter in an abandoned and ruined tent near Top of The World to avoid a radstorm and some pissed off Mole Miners. I still am finding management of caps a challenge after being continually shortchanged by those damned Vendor bots. A few days back I had stumbled on a former Dweller from level 18 who was living in a brick mansion with an in-ground swimming pool. They were just hanging out with a group of people in gold sequin tuxedos livin’ the high life, meanwhile I have 268 caps to my name, scant building materials and it’s been 2 weeks since I was able to find toilet paper. There are only so many times you can wipe with a burnt comic book before you start to need Healing Salve back there. I’ve spotted Jake and Amata on the map a few times, but I was able to conceal myself. I am still being hunted for what I did to…but never mind all that. Anyway, as a result I am finally free of my dark hunger after a year of feeding on others. I also acquired blueprints to an 8-foot-tall bottle which will look just nifty if I can scare up enough wood scraps to rebuild my shack. I spotted a Dweller camp nearby and am heading in that direction to see if they can spare or sell any resources. Ah…vendor machines. I hate these things. Can’t haggle.


MERCHANT:       Did someone say HAGGGLEEEE?

SIMON:                Oh. Hey.

MERCHANT:       Welcome to Mr. Pants’ Vendorporium of the Rare, the Impossible and the Oh So Needful.

SIMON:                That’s kind of a long sign. Bet that ate up a lot of budget.

MERCHANT:       What?

SIMON:                What?

MERCHANT:       You, sir, look like you could use a fresh shower. Right this way, right this way, I keep a cleansing Rad Shower right here in my doorway before you go inside. People who consider themselves the “bloodied” heroes of Appalachia just love it.

                                                                SFX: SHOWER NOISE

SIMON:                Oh man that feels good!

MERCHANT:       Right, come inside and let me show you around. We only just finished setting up in this new location. Always on the move. Go. Go. Go I say. I have a habit of overstaying my welcome in some places. But that’s the nature of retail isn’t it? You sell people what they need and they get all buyer’s remoresy and try to haggle AFTER the deal is done.

SIMON:                Quite the place you have here. Nice display cases…what the hell is that?

MERCHANT:       Oh this? Ah yes! This is my collection of ephemera. Over here is the hide of the mysterious and impossible Chameleon Deathclaw!

SIMON:                It looks like a dishrag.

MERCHANT:       No, no. That’s what it WANTS you to think.

SIMON:                Right…

MERCHANT:       And here…oh here is something special…a Chinese ornamental vase from the General Gau Dynasty!

SIMON:                It has a tag on it that says, “Property of the Whitespring.”

MERCHANT:       Yes yes…between you and me I put that on there to keep the riff raff from stealing it.

SIMON:                What’s this?

MERCHANT:       Ah! Our collection of Scorched body parts, pickled in vodka. I sell shots of that mysterious brew for just 60 caps each. It replenishes your Vim and Vigor!

SIMON:                Yeah, no thanks. I’ve avoided the Scorched Plague this long, not looking to cash my chips in just yet. Look I just need to buy toilet paper and maybe some building materials.

MERCHANT:       T…toilet paper? I don’t sell toilet paper. No one sells toilet paper. You don’t want some new armor?

SIMON:                No.

MERCHANT:       Maybe a new legendary shotgun or laser rifle?

SIMON:                Nope.

MERCHANT:       Well what about a Snallygaster Spit Attack Explosion? Dazzle your friends! Puzzle your foes! 25,000 caps!

SIMON:                (Laughs) Ah ha ha haaaaa no. Just toilet paper thanks.

MERCHANT:       Right. Well. Okay then. First time for everything. Look buddy, I’ll be straight with you…I could tell from the moment I saw you that you were kind of desperate looking. So, I’ll tell you what, how many caps do you have?

SIMON:                Oh no! Oh no no no…I’m not a moron. If I tell you how many caps I have, you’re going to quote me a price that is exactly how much I have.

MERCHANT:       Fella, you weren’t born yesterday! How much can you SPARE then?

SIMON:                150 caps max.

MERCHANT:       150 caps eh? 150 caps…well I’ll tell you what…I do have a few clean, moist-free rolls of toilet paper I can bundle with 3 sets of Bulk Wood. Plus, you know what…no…I can’t do that.

SIMON:                Do what?

MERCHANT:       Well recently and completely innocently some of my inventory just spontaneously started reproducing asexually.

SIMON:                I’m sorry what?

MERCHANT:       Yup. Just on its own. I had this 2 shot explosive combat shotgun right? I mean…PRIME drop. Found it right upside the backside of a cave cricket. Took me forever to clean it up with soap. Well one night, it just up and copies itself. Then it did it again! I’ve got like 50 of these things falling out of my stash and dresser. Running out of room.

SIMON:                I mean…if you have extras just laying around, I won’t say no to one.

MERCHANT:       It would be a big help. I’ve been handing these out as fast as I can because I don’t understand this dark magic. But I am totally innocent. Right…let’s wrap up our deal 170 caps my friend.

SIMON:                You said 150 caps.

MERCHANT:       Oh! My silly billy mind. Right you are. 150 caps.

SIMON:                Here you go.

MERCHANT:       Perfect! Just one second…if you wait right there I just need to grab your materials, toilet paper and that oh so special, totally legit weapon from my secret hiding place.

SIMON:                Sure, no problem.

MERCHANT:       Ahhh….

SIMON:                What is it?

MERCHANT:       Look, I’m pretty private. Because of the amount of inventory I move, I need to be able to have some discretion on where I hide the good stuff…know what I’m saying?

SIMON:                Sure…I guess I can turn around.

MERCHANT:       Yeah! That’s great. Turn around. No peeking now!

SIMON:                Yeah yeah…let’s get this over with…need to hike back to camp.

MERCHANT:       Won’t be a moment.

SIMON:                You almost done? Hello? Oh son of a…! Where’d you go? Hey! You come back here with my caps!

HAWKINS:           Problem here?

SIMON:                Officer Hawkins? Yeah, some jackass just ripped me off! He took off with my caps. I think he went that way.

HAWKINS:           Theft? We’ll see to that don’t worry. But for now, Simon, okay Firebreathers take him.


SIMON:                Huh? Owww! You hit me with a dart! Get the fuck off me! AHHH! MY EYES! WHAT IS THAT? YAO GUAI MACE? IT BURNS!

HAWKINS:           Knock him out.


HAWKINS:           Okay…let’s get him back to base. Dispatch a messenger to The Judge. Let him know that we’ve captured all persons of interest for crimes against Appalachia pending interrogation and trial. I need to report to Commander Johns.

                                                                SFX: FADE OUT SOUND EFFECTS AMBIANCE. FOREST.

                                                                SFX: FADE IN  MUSIC SCENE TRANSITION.


                                                                SFX: JAILCELL DOOR CLOSE.

PATSY:                  Wake up! Like wake up! They took Moose!

                                                                SFX: SLAP

CHAD:                   OW! Tits on a brahmin bull that hurt. (Moaning) Oh man…it feels like my head was screamed at by a Scorched Beast for 3 hours. What in the hell is goin on here?

PATSY:                  It’s those lame-o New Responders. I woke up just as they were taking Moose to intothegate him.

CHAD:                   You mean interrogate?

PATSY:                  Yeah whatever. This jail cell is gross. It smells like an outhouse. The mattress looks like someone was murdered on it.

CHAD:                   Where’s Susie? Did you see Susie?

PATSY:                  She was outside with Punch.

CHAD:                   He’ll keep an eye on her. This is bullshit.

HAWKINS:           Okay Mr. Warren, right here. No more than a few minutes okay? You got the stuff?

HUGO:                  Yeah yeah…here you go….6 Quantums as promised.

HAWKINS:           Keep it quiet. If the Commander finds out I let press back here, he’ll have my head.

HUGO:                  No problem at all. Right…here we go. Good evening radio listeners, this is Hugo Warren, RBTS Radio News. I am on location in Morgantown at the 5-0 HQ and I’m standing outside the cells of one of Appalachia’s most notorious and irritating characters, Chad Johnson.

PATSY:                  Oh boy! Let me fix my hair…are we gonna be on TV?!

CHAD:                   Nah…I think this dude does radio or something.

PATSY:                  Like…you just listen to stuff, not watch it? That’s dumb. Who’d do that?

CHAD:                   I think you need to imagine stuff.

HUGO:                  Chad Johnson is the notorious owner of the Vault 69 gym, whose questionable BroFit training program we reported on in an expose piece earlier this year after interviewing a number of plaintiffs who were murdered and robbed.

CHAD:                   Hey, it’s a livin’.

HUGO:                  Excuse me, Mr. Johnson would you take a moment to explain your actions to our listeners?

CHAD:                   Nah I’m good.

HUGO:                  Mr. Johnson, your trap base gym and questionable training program have led to countless death, injuries and in one case…a horrifying mutation. You have nothing to say to your victims and their families?

CHAD:                   Oh yeah…I do. Move on snowflakes. Shouldn’t have been carrying that much junk. Git gud. Also, our BroFit training starts at the convenient price of 100 caps an hour.

PATSY:                  Like, also ask about our monthly membership plan!

CHAD:                   Yeah, you just put caps in my mailbox and don’t show up. If you don’t keep paying monthly, we send Moose out to grief you until you rage quit life.

SIMON:                Hey you wanna shut up over there. This jail cell has fresh toilet paper and I’m trying to enjoy the experience.

CHAD:                   Who is that? Simon?

SIMON:                Chad?

HUGO:                  And now we turn the mic over to accused notorious cannibal Simon Rex. Mr. Rex has been accused of killing and devouring countless people throughout the region. For crimes against nature and humanity what do you have to say for yourself?

SIMON:                Do you mind? I’m trying to concentrate over here.

HUGO:                  Nothing. Not a word. Well ladies and gentlemen tomorrow there will be plenty for them to say at People Vs. Rex / Johnson, the trial of the century. We’ll be bringing you all the action live from the Charleston courthouse. For now, this is Hugo Warren with RBTS Radio News.

HUGO:                  And we’re clear. That was great fellas. Can’t wait for the trial. See you tomorrow bright and early.

CHAD:                   Hey, Simon is this your doin’?

SIMON:                Nothing to do with me. I was robbed by some jackass and then the Responders bagged me.

CHAD:                   Yeah you do have the kind of face that deserves to be shot and tea bagged.

PATSY:                  Oh my god there’s a radroach in the corner with tattoos and a switchblade! I think it winked at me.


SIMON:                Oh come on…I think caught flap limb.

CHAD:                   Flap limb? I ain’t never had that. I did lick the back of this big ass radtoad though. Tripped balls and got the stanky leg for 2 days.

SIMON:                God I hate you.

CHAD:                   Yeah I’m pretty great. When we bust outta here I owe you a shot to the face dude.

SIMON:                Not before I kill you first.

CHAD:                   Hey you remember all those good times we had back in the Vault?

SIMON:                What good times?

CHAD:                   Hey you remember when I laced your Mentats with Psycho and the Overseer locked you up after you ate all the MREs?

SIMON:                Yeah that was hilarious.

CHAD:                   Or what about the time you were playing 7 minutes to Red Rocket in Jake’s closet. (Laughs) You thought it was Amata in there but it was Old Lady Simpson.

SIMON:                Can we maybe stop talking.

HAWKINS:           Alright you two. Mr. Rex, Commander Conner Johns is going to interrogate you after Lt. Kori Anders finishes up with Chad here. I’m unlocking your cells. We have guards all through HQ, so let’s keep this civil alright?

                                                                SFX: JAILCELL DOOR OPENS.

SIMON:                Civil…that’s cute Hawkins. Hey how’s that Nuka Cola Quantum habit? I recall from summer camp that you have quite the issue with that. Must make it hard to do your job…if you can call it a job.

HAWKINS:           The Commander knows full well about my problem SIMON. You can try and play head games with me, but you’re the one on trial here. So is that fool and his gang.

CHAD:                   Trial? What trial?

HAWKINS:           The two of you have caused nothing but havoc the past year. We’ve been building the case against you both for months now. We finally had enough evidence to get a clean conviction with the prison A.I. to put you both away for a long, long time.

CHAD:                   You’ve got nothing on me dude. I didn’t lift a finger to hurt anyone. It’s not my fault they strolled on into someone’s place loaded down with 300 pounds of scrap material dragging their pants to the ground. They should’ve stashed that stuff. This piece of work over here though? You should see all the skeletons lying around.

SIMON:                Shut up Chad.

HAWKINS:           Right…let’s go. Chad, you first…right through there. Simon…park it here and wait till they call you in. And whatever you do, stay away from that door.

SIMON:                What? Why?

HAWKINS:           Solitary confinement. We’re under orders not to talk to that prisoner.

                                                                SFX. DOOR OPENS.

CMDR JOHNS:   Well well well. Chad…Simon. You’ve both been busy.

CHAD:                   You guys got any protein shakes? I’m parched.

CMDR JOHNS:   Protein shakes? Step inside tough guy. Lt. Anders is conducting your interrogation.

SIMON:                What the hell is this all about?

CMDR JOHNS:   It’s about your eating habits. Cool your heels…I’ll get to you after they’re done in there.

                                                                SFX. FOOTSTEPS WALK AWAY.

SIMON:                Another nice mess you’ve gotten yourself into. I need to find a way out of here.

OVERSEER:          (Sing-song-like…creepy) Peace…freedom and bacon and eggs. It seems perfect…but what if it’s noooot. Ohhhhh nooooo. Where will YOU be when the atomic bombs fall?

SIMON:                Hello?

OVERSEER:          Prepareeee for the future. The future is here but no one knows…anything goes.

SIMON:                Who is that?

OVERSEER:          A voice…a very familiar voice. Hello Simon. How are things?

SIMON:                Overseer?

OVERSEER:          (Laughs) The Overseer. I used to be that once. But titles, like everything else we were supposed to be prepared for doesn’t matter out here does it?

SIMON:                Where the HELL have you been? Have you been locked up here the whole time?

OVERSEER:          Ever since summer camp when you ruined my plans.

SIMON:                Plans? You dressed up as the Sickleman and were committing mass murder. That’s not much of a plan.

OVERSEER:          You all assumed I had gone mad, but I did it with purpose. You dumb kids still don’t see what’s going on here.

SIMON:                What are you talking about?

OVERSEER:          How much do you know about Vault-Tec?

SIMON:                Not a lot…just what we learned in school.

OVERSEER:          Well let me give you a little slice of history. It started long before you were born, even before that final awful Saturday everything went to hell while we were safe in 76. Being born in the Vault you don’t know what it was like in 2050s….3 years of hell with everyone practically digging into the earth with their bare hands to squeeze the last drops of oil out of it. First, we invade Mexico in 2051, then Europe attacks the Middle East that next year…then 1 year after that the New Plague breaks out. Here in America, over 200,000 people dropped dead. Skyrocketing inflation, sickness, poverty, death, communist paranoia, spies everywhere and resources running out. The whole world was a powder keg waiting to blow. Amongst all of this madness, it became clear to everyone that nuclear war was inevitable. Our government created a contingency plan for the survival before the final days: Project Safehouse.

SIMON:                I remember reading about that. Vault-Tec won that contract and they started building the Vaults.

OVERSEER:          That’s right. We knew we couldn’t save everyone. The Societal Preservation Program was initiated to select and fill just 122 vaults. Directing this program, was a German scientist named Doctor Stanislaus Braun. A brilliant, but completely ruthless and morally corrupt narcissist that, together with a shadow government operating behind the scenes…put in motion a secret plan for the vaults. They devised secret experiments, each vault being a unique test and scenario in which they conducted awful, just awful experiments on the residents.

SIMON:                What? Why the hell would they do that?

OVERSEER:          Why does anyone do anything? Maybe it was to weed out those who weren’t the hardiest stock to repopulate…or maybe it was just to indulge Braun’s perversions and twisted concepts of humanity in return for data. Maybe just because they could, and no one could stop them. I don’t know.

SIMON:                Did….did they experiment on us? Did he do something to us?

OVERSEER:          I’m getting to that. Shortly after getting fast tracked by Vault-Tec to be appointed as an overseer, I found out what was really going on. I was disgusted and told Evan all about it.

SIMON:                Evan? Oh yeah…your fiancée. I blew him up with a missile launcher.

OVERSEER:          Yeah…thanks.

SIMON:                No really, it was great. Except he wasn’t dead. Bastard was tough as nails. Jake and Amata each had to take turns trying to kill him. Legends say he’s still out there…but people keep trying to killing him.

OVERSEER:          ANYWAY…one night I was picked up by Vault-Tec personnel and hauled in a black limo to Vault-Tec university. You’ve been to the test vault?

SIMON:                Yes…

OVERSEER:          That test vault is a ruse. Below it, is a secret vault that Braun had specially designed as a monitoring station. I didn’t see much as they hurried me along through a secret entrance. They parked me in a chair and it was then that I met the smug bastard for myself. I was so much younger then…naïve and stupid. He laid it on real thick, convinced me that the experiments, the selective process of populating them was necessary for the survival of humanity. I was originally going to be Overseer of Vault 101, but Vault 76 meant I could stay here…where I grew up. The fields I grew up in…the mountains I roamed in. So, I chose it over Evan…I couldn’t bring him in with me. He wasn’t from the right stock…just a laborer…a miner.

SIMON:                So let me get this straight, you threw away the love of your life, condemning him to a nightmarish existence and kept the conspiracy to end all conspiracies quiet, allowing Vault-Tec to experiment on hundreds of thousands of people. What the hell is wrong with you?

OVERSEER:          It was too big for me. Too much. I thought in 76, I would be safe…and you…all of you, my people…would be safe. I could focus on the endgame, what came next…to shape and nurture you to be better. You were supposed to be the best of us.

SIMON:                The best? Lady I won best hair award and cleanest toilet. You had a meathead named Chad and his Dad who peddled pixel porn from the water purifier substation. And this? Have you seen what it’s like out there?

OVERSEER:          He promised me…that smug bastard PROMISED me that 76 was a control vault for their experiment. No tricks, no traps…no tests on you kids. But then I found out the truth…

SIMON:                What are you talking about?

OVERSEER:          You’ve been there. You’ve died…haven’t you?

SIMON:                Shut up.

OVERSEER:          Did you open the door? In that place?

SIMON:                I said shut up.

OVERSEER:          You saw it didn’t you. What was waiting in the dark beyond the door just outside…watching still. Waiting. You saw its face…

SIMON:                STOP IT! I don’t want to remember that place. I don’t want to ever go back there.

OVERSEER:          You need to wake up. You’re all in danger.


HAWKINS:           SIMON! Get away from that door!

SIMON:                Tell me. Tell me now!

HAWKINS:           I said get away from that door now!

SIMON:                Get your hands off me. What did he do Overseer? Tell me!!

                                                                SFX: DOOR OPENS

CHAD:                   Ahhhh that crazy woman in there Power Fisted me right in the toolbox.

HAWKINS:           Let’s go Rex…get in there!

OVERSEER:          Focus. You need to get out of here. BE junk! Use what you’ve been given! It’s not too late.

HAWKINS:           Alright Chad, let’s get you back to your cell. This is going to be a long day. The Commander is trying something different to break Simon down.

                                                                SFX: DOOR CLOSES

SIMON:                Hello? What is this? Why are the lights off?

CMDR. JOHNS:  Hello there Simon. So this is what? Our 4th interrogation attempt?

SIMON:                I don’t recognize your authority. You have no right to judge me…and let me the FUCK out of here.

CMDR. JOHNS:  Right…well one that’s not happening, and two…considering that we aren’t making any headway we decide to try something a little different.


SIMON:                Oh god what is that noise? Where is it coming from? What is that? It’s like someone eating into a microphone. It’s everywhere. My head! Please stop! STOPPPP! I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING! STOP!

                                                                SFX: FADE IN MUSIC SCENE TRANSITION.


FLETCHER:           Hey…you Doc Taylor?

TAYLOR: (Nervous, fumbling) Ummm…yeah. That’s me. Taylor. Doctor…ummm…Taylor. Yeah.

FLETCHER:           I’m District Attorney Malcolm Fletcher. I don’t think we’ve met yet. You okay?

TAYLOR: Yeah just a little nervous. This is my first case. Had a few beers, popped some Mentats and shot up some Calmex to help me with the jitters.

FLETCHER:           Day drinking and drugs??

TAYLOR: Yeah. It’s cool though. I’m a junkie’s build.

FLETCHER:           A what now?


FLETCHER:           You are licensed, aren’t you?

TAYLOR: Oh yeah. Licensed. Totally licensed. I’m Vault-Tec certified in child psychology and trauma therapy.

FLETCHER:           Is that what your G.O.A.T.S. indicated?

TAYLOR: Yeah…I mean…no. I took it twice and it said I was ideally suited as a housewife, but I think the teacher just hated me.

FLETCHER:           Alrighty then. Look, I’m not sure what to do with these two. We’re going to throw the book at Rex and Johnson, but these two are just minors…in a sense. They are going to be a challenge for you. Here’s their case files the 5-0 compiled after their initial interrogations.

TAYLOR: Susie Davis, born…2065???

FLETCHER:           Yeah, she’s been ghoulified. Don’t worry though. We’re monitoring her…she hasn’t gone feral or anything.

TAYLOR: Subject has been living the past year with Chad Johnson, currently processing and awaiting trial. Has an unnatural bond with a small doll she calls Ella, a ragged pre-war “Tickle My Fanny Ella”. Subject is often found whispering to the doll. Suggests deep rooted trauma and manifestation of unhealthy attachment to a transitional object. Hmmm…what about this other…oh my God?! A Super Mutant?

FLETCHER:           Yeah…his name is Punch. He’s a bit of a character.

TAYLOR: My expertise is children, not adults…and certainly not 8-foot-tall green people who smell like onions.

FLETCHER:           Dunno. Your problem. We tried to separate the two, but the big dude got all pissed off and threw a desk through a wall. In intellect he’s about the same age as the girl, so I’m sure it’ll be fine. You ready for them or what?

TAYLOR: Sure, just give me one second…need to buff myself with more chems. Ohhh yeah…that’s the juice. Oh crap…

FLETCHER:           What happened?

TAYLOR: I popped Berry Mentats by mistake…now everything is purple.

FLETCHER:           Whatever. Let me grab them. Susie? Punch? You want to come in here and talk to the nice man?

PUNCH:                Punch have trouble fit through door.

FLETCHER:           Turn sideways bud.

PUNCH:                Stupid HU MAN doors too small for Super Mutant.

TAYLOR: Just turn…

FLETCHER:           No dude turn the other…

                                                                SFX. WALL SMASH. DEBRIS.

PUNCH:                Punch rip out door and wall. Lots of room now for Punch. Opens room up.

SUSIE:                   Oh boy Ella! Someone new to play with!

TAYLOR: Well hey there Susie….and…Punch. You ah...wow you guys are purple. I think I’m getting nauseous. Why don’t you both sit down here and we can have a nice chat and play some games?

FLETCHER:           I’m heading over to check on our prisoners. Give a holler if you need anything Doc.

PUNCH:                Punch like games. You have meat bag toss?

TAYLOR: What? Oh my god no!

PUNCH:                Or maybe Musica HU MAN chair?

TAYLOR: No! What even is that?

PUNCH:                Punch clan favorite game. Make a ring of humans and leader Claw play drum. When drum stop all the Super Mutants sit on puny humans and make them sing until they go sticky quiet. (Laughs) Punch miss game.

TAYLOR: Okay…wow…that’s dark. No…we’re going to be playing some other kind of games. See these? I put some ink on these and if you look real hard they kind of look like pictures. I’d like you both to tell me what you think you see in them. Nothing too hard…just the first thing that comes to mind. Okay, let’s start with this one.

SUSIE:                   Oh! That looks like Ella!

TAYLOR: Uh huh…interesting.

PUNCH:                That look like puny human in tasty soup with mushrooms!

TAYLOR: What? I mean…okay whatever. How about this one?

SUSIE:                   That looks like Mommy and Daddy on fire, right Ella? That was fun! Remember when we sang our song? (Starts singing) If you go out to the woods today, you’re in for a big surprise….

TAYLOR: Okay that’s enough of that. Hang on…need some more Calmex…welp…now some Mentats and because I’m doing this too quickly a little more Calmex…ahhh that’s better.

PUNCH:                Stupid human doctor silly. All that bad juice makes meat taste bad. Yuck. Punch not eat you. Maybe just make you a totem.

TAYLOR: Right…well let’s try another game. I call this one the Mad Game. I made some little blocks of wood here. Here’s some for you Punch…and you Susie.

SUSIE:                   Does Ella get some?

TAYLOR: What? No. Ella’s just a doll.

SUSIE:                   Nuh uh.

TAYLOR: Yeah huh.

SUSIE:                   Nuh uh!

TAYLOR Look kid she’s just a doll, okay? It’s not my fault you’re messed in the head so you have some kind of split personality thing going on.

SUSIE:                   You’re a meanie! Ella doesn’t like you!

PUNCH:                Why you make little friend sad? Punch smash face in!

TAYLOR: Oh no…I think that was Psychotats not Calmex…why don’t you shut up you big green child? Must hurt to be that big and stupid. Oh god…I’m sorry…this isn’t going to work…you know what, why don’t you go in this other room here. I have some crayons. Just give me a little bit for this to wear off.

SUSIE:                   Come on Punch. Let’s go color. I don’t like this nasty man.

PUNCH:                Crayons taste good?

SUSIE:                   I think so. Let’s find out!

TAYLOR: Oh my head….hey kid you forgot your doll in here!

ELLA:                     Well now it’s just you and me isn’t it Doc? Now we can play a real game! Twinkle Twinkle Little Star…you’re a DRUNK who’s gone too far. Tee hee.

TAYLOR: What is…that’s impossible.

ELLA:                     Do you still dream about them Doc? Ohhh dreamy weamy dream…Mommy and Daddy? Mommy loved the drink didn’t she Doc? When she wasn’t riding Security Chief Vince like a Giddyup Buttercup she was busy crying in the laundry room. Remember her cries? (Singing) Sing-a-song of sad pants…a pocketful of CRY!

TAYLOR: Stop it.

                                                                SFX: HEARTBEAT SOUND. INCREASING IN SPEED AND VOLUME.

ELLA:                     Daddy waddy doesn’t care…Daddy daddy is just nowhere. Remember the night Daddy said goodbye? He walked out the door and never came back. You thought it was Mommy. But it was you. He never liked you…you weren’t even his! Tee hee!

TAYLOR: My…heart…stop…what is going on?

ELLA:                     If you SHOOT UP in the woods today, you’re in for a big surprise! If you DRINK UP in the woods today, your heart’s gonna go buh byeeeee!

TAYLOR: Ahhhh! (Clutches chest)

                                                                SFX: HEARBEAT CUTS OUT.

ELLA:                     And that’s the way the teddy bears have their picccccnic!

SUSIE:                   Oh there you are Ella! Did you have fun?

ELLA:                     I tickled HIS fanny! Tee hee! Let’s eat crayons!

SUSIE:                   Yay! I like the green ones!

                                                                SFX: FADE IN MUSIC SCENE TRANSITION.


HAWKINS:           Okay you guys…in here. Sit.

CHAD:                   I’m not sitting next to this loser.

HAWKINS:           The case of the People is against the both of you. You’re both on trial here. Good luck.

SIMON:                Move over Chad.

CHAD:                   You move over!

SOLOMON:         Pardon me, are you Misters Johnson and Rex?

SIMON:                Oh no….not you again.

CHAD:                   Hey! You’re that moth bro priest guy man!

SOLOMON:         Yes…I serve my Lord, he who flutters by streetlight, he who seeks the all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful light and will wake the dark gods sleeping below to bring a new era of horror to the world of man! I am also a part time defense attorney. My card.

SIMON:                YOU are representing us? I just as well defend myself.

SOLOMON:         You have little choice in the matter. They’ve summoned The Judge. Unless you want to spend the rest of your days in a dark jail cell, far out of reach of any delicious, delightful light bulbs my lord so craves…you’ll want the help.

CHAD:                   Hey dude…you got any moth dust? I could use some sniffs to take the edge off.

SOLOMON:         Alas no, my Lord is currently eating children down by the train tracks.

FLETCHER:           Well, well, well. Solomon. How are things?

SOLOMON:         Fletcher. They are progressing at a positive pace.

FLETCHER:           You still trying to gather the light bulbs or something?

SOLOMON:         Laugh now puny man, my Lord will shatter the seals soon enough.

FLETCHER:           Well…good luck. This is an open and shut case.

HAWKINS:           Right through here you two. You can sit back here.

MOOSE:               This chair isn’t big enough bro.

PATSY:                  That radroach with the tattoos totally tried to unhook my bra last night. I want to go home. This place is gross.

CHAD:                   Hey hey gang! Why are they sitting up here?

FLETCHER:           We’re having them take the stand as witnesses. This is all about you buddy.

HUGO:                  Good morning District Attorney Fletcher!

FLETCHER:           Hugo. You can set up right over there.

HUGO:                  Fantastic. (Clears throat) Rise and shine Appalachia. This is Hugo Warren, RBTS Radio News live at the Charleston Courthouse on the day of reckoning. Two of Appalachia’s most notorious villains finally facing the swift hammer of justice. It’s the People Vs. Rex / Johnson and it starts now!

SIMON:                Oh no…isn’t that the Insult Bot?

SOLOMON:         He who walks with barbs and paper delivering misery has now taken up a part time companion to The Judge.

BALIFF:                 What a bunch of (electric short) sad looking losers. I haven’t seen faces this sad since you all realized you only got one (electric short) pair of underwear to wear for the rest of your life. (Drum hit) Now, please rise for the Honorable Enforcer of Justice in Appalachia (electric short) The Judge.

THE JUDGE:        Yeah yeah. Sit down already. Let’s get this over with. I want a fast prosecution. Some Dwellers over in the Cranberry Bog just busted into the Forbidden Room and are getting the hammer from yours truly.

                                                                SFX: GAVEL BANGING RANGS OUT

SIMON:                That’s The Judge? Isn’t that Ol’ Pete from Level 10?

CHAD:                   Yeah that dude was a bathroom attendant. I’d always bust his chops.

HUGO:                  The Judge has now taken the bench. Our audience will recall that this beacon of justice quickly rose to power in the vacuum of civil law & order. Some say he hacked his G.O.A.T.S. to go into criminal justice after receiving an unfair assessment. But after finding a dog-eared copy of “Law 4 Dummies” on a bookcase in the middle of the street he has become judge, jury and executioner for the 5-0. Now District Attorney Malcom Fletcher approaches…

FLETCHER:           Your honor, the past year has not been easy. We were tasked with repopulating, rebuilding and reclaiming Appalachia as a sworn duty, not just to Vault-Tec, but to humanity. While many of us set about in forming communities and working together, these two Simon Rex A.K.A. the Sad Sack Cannibal and Chad Johnson A.K.A. Roid Johnson disrupted the region with a host of charges that range from malicious harassment and robbery to cannibalism, murder and conspiracy to commit murder.

THE JUDGE:        The Court is aware of these two sad losers and the charges against them. Before we begin, I want to make it clear that I intend to apply the maximum penalty awarded to me by the system…life sentences at the Eastern Regional Penitentiary with no chance of parole. It was my great hope post Reclamation Day that we would band together…find friendship and family. Instead, you two immediately started an arms race against one another in your pathetic and frankly infantile feud. Me? I went out on my own…built a nice quiet little farm. I wanted to raise corn. I had a cow named Moo Ma. You know what happened? People shot my cow and dropped a nuke on my house. If it were within my power, you both would get the chair…but until the nature of the suspension of death and the natural order is discovered…imprisonment is what I have to work with. Oh and Chad, I remember you very clearly.

CHAD:                   Oh crap dude…I’m screwed.

THE JUDGE:        Fletcher, proceed.

FLETCHER:           If it pleases the court, I wish to enter evidence Interrogations 5.2.78A and B conducted on the accused by Commander Conner Johns and Lt. Kori Anders.

THE JUDGE:        So noted. Play them.

                                                                SFX: HOLOTAPE CRACKLES.

ANDERS: This is the interrogation of Johnson, Chad in the case of People V Rex / Johnson. The accused has been advised of his rights and has attempt to waive his right to an attorney by taking off shirt and flexing.

CHAD:                   Baby why you gotta be so uptight? Why don’t we bust outta this place and go watch the stars out at Lover’s Leap?

ANDERS: Mr. Johnson, as I’ve told you numerous times…gross and no. You attempted to murder undercover Officer Hawkins with an incredibly obvious pit trap concealed with gravity defying confetti. Is that not true?

CHAD:                   Yeah…people just kind of wander into our place with all their junk. You can’t make an omelet without cracking a few heads you know?

ANDERS: Is it also true that you have no Vault-Tec certification in personal training or athletic coaching of any kind?

CHAD:                   Yeah…I was never any good with them books. But just look at me.

ANDERS: You and your gang have been responsible for paper bags from here to the Ash Heap. A trap base in a gym? Really? Our officers have rounded up your lackeys to answer for crimes against Appalachia.

CHAD:                   Raider’s gotta raid lady. Why don’t you slip out of that zip-up onesie and try a hot cup of The Chad?


CHAD:                   Ah! Damn it lady! You power fisted me in the nuts!

ANDERS: All my love to “The Chad”.

                                                                SFX: HOLOTAPE ENDS.

FLETCHER:           What follows is the Interrogation of Mr. Rex.

                                                                SFX: HOLOTAPE CRACKLES.


CMDR. JOHNS:  This is the interrogation of Rex, Simon in the case of People V Rex / Johnson. The accused has been advised of his rights. He refuses an attorney and does not acknowledge the authority of the New Responders.

SIMON:                No, I don’t, this is ridiculous. Who declared you de facto enforcers of justice out here? What authority? Because there isn’t one. Torturing me with audio to get me to crack? That’s cute.

CMDR. JOHNS:  Establishing rule of law, of order and civility is a calling for everyone. But this is about you. How many people? How many was it Simon? We had teams finding blood drenched skeletons from the Ash Heap to RobCo.

SIMON:                I never asked for this. None of it. THAT…that was thrown upon me.

CMD. JOHNS:     Everyone is responsible for their actions. Instead of focusing on rebuilding, or dealing with the Vultures, we’ve been stuck cleaning up the messes you and Chad have made. It’s my job to reassert order here.

SIMON:                No no no...this isn't some altruistic attempt at civilization or salvation. You're scared. Yes you are. There...I can see it. This isn't about them. It's about you. You are scared of the chaos. You are shaken to your core by the disorder. You create it not for them, but as a framework for your sanity. Let me ask you something Commander...you haven't died yet have you? You don't know what's waiting for you. Where you wait and run and hold on to your mind with both hands as shadows scream in the dark...before you are vomited by the ether back into the world. No...you stand behind your private army, hiding with all the lights on. You're not a hero. You're a coward.

                                                                SFX: PUNCH SOUND.

SIMON:                AHHH MY FACE!

CMDR. JOHN:     Oops. Hand slipped.

                                                                SFX: HOLOTAPE ENDS.

THE JUDGE:        Evidence has been entered into the court record. Continue.

FLETCHER:           For my first witness, the People call Brian Williams to the stand.

SIMON:                Oh no….

SOLOMON:         Who is this strange man?

SIMON:                Camp Counselor at Camp Wannagrindalot. We thought he was the Sickleman, but found out later it was the Overseer. He found out that Jake and I had a…hungry habit and was going to report us to the 5-0. We…we kind of ate him.

SOLOMON:         You honor! I object. This witness was not disclosed, nor have I had the opportunity to depose him or inquire if he has light bulbs for my lord.

THE JUDGE:        Overruled. Sit down. We’ll hear from the witness.

FLETCHER:           Would you please state your name for the court.

BRIAN:                  Well hi there! I’m Brian! Golly this place sure is dirty. It could use some good elbow grease and Abraxo on these floors.

FLETCHER:           Right.

BRIAN:                  Did you know that this courthouse was constructed in 1892 in the Richardsonian Romanesque design.

FLETCHER:           Right…Mr. Will…

BRIAN:                  In fact, the belfry openings are of particular note, thanks to their grey limestone masonry colonnettes.

EVERYONE:         Shut up Brian.

FLETCHER:           Is there anyone in the court that you recognize?

BRIAN:                  Well sure! I see the faces of friends I haven’t made yet!

FLETCHER:           NO! I mean…the person who ate you alive and caused you to respawn at a later date?

BRIAN:                  Oh sure…that’s Simon Rex over there. He and Jake ate my face. It was awfully painful.

CHAD:                   (Laughs) You ate a dude.

SIMON:                Shut up Chad.

FLETCHER:           Let the court recognize that the accused Simon Rex has been identified by Mr. Williams.

THE JUDGE:        So recognized.

FLETCHER:           Mr. Williams…in your words can you explain what happened that day?

BRIAN:                  Well sure! Well we had just completed the canoe race that was interrupted by the mating ritual of the majestic red backed Mirelurk Queen. I finally earned my Spermatophore Merit Badge and got a nifty banner. Well I went back to my tent and Jake and Simon cornered me. They found out that I had been using the Scout skills I learned getting my surveillance and counterintelligence merit badge to track and photograph their disgusting nighttime cannibal hunts. Well they ate my face and stole my backpack! Well wouldn’t you know it…I ended up in heaven and it had retail shelving! I eventually found myself back here, alive and filled with new pep. I can’t wait to go on new adventures.

THE JUDGE:        Yeah I get the point. Are you through with this witness?

BRIAN:                  I’ve always believed that with a positive mental attitude and with the right wilderness survival skills, the apocalypse can be F.U.N. fun!

THE JUDGE:        Great. Please go away. Fletcher, call your next witness.

SIMON:                Wait just a minute! Don’t you get to cross examine him?

SOLOMON:         Hmmm? Oh I’m sorry…I was gazing into the luminous brilliance of these overhead lights. My Moth Lord would so love them.

CHAD:                   Bro, I want to smoke some of the giggle weed this dude is on.

THE JUDGE:        No cross exanimation needed. Continue Fletcher.

SIMON:                This trial is a sham…

HUGO:                  And so exits the first witness who offers a devastating testimony against notorious cannibal Simon Rex. District Attorney Fletcher now continues to build his case.

FLETCHER:           Your honor, I wish to enter into evidence Affidavit 12.1A. The sworn testimony of former Scoutmaster Stewart, a Mr. Handy who was the first on the scene after the brutal murder of Brian Williams. Additionally, Karen Maidenhead, a witness murdered by the Sickleman AKA The Overseer also has corroborating testimony to present.

                                                                SFX HOLOTAPE CLICKS ON.

STEWART:           Yes Ma’am? What can I do for you?

ANDERS: Scoutmaster Stewart, can you describe the scene for the court record.

STEWART:           Oh it was GHASTLY! Camp Wannagrindalot has a strict tradition of molding our ghoul scouts to be model citizens. Of our counselors we expect no less than the purest moral fiber. Well, on camp cleanup I found the victim, one Brian Williams, a stellar counselor picked completely clean ma’am. I was so horrified by the scene that my combat subroutine temporarily reactivated and I went on a rampage hunting down communists. When I finally came to my senses it had been weeks. That particular cabin was shared by Mr. Simon Rex, a shiftless layabout who vanished without a word. It was clear to me who the culprit was.

ANDERS: Okay thank you. And you, Karen, can you describe what you saw?

KAREN:                 That slick willy Fast Eddie and I had…I guess just been killed…and then I kind of just reappeared at Lover’s Leap. It looked like some time had passed…so I made my way down to the camp and I saw 2 guys running out of the cabin covered in blood. It was awful.

ANDERS: Look at these photos, were these the 2 people you saw?

KAREN:                 Yeah that’s them. So, can I go now?

ANDERS: Yes you’ve both been very helpfuk

                                                                SFX: HOLOTAPE CLICKS OFF.

CHAD:                   Dude…you just left the body there? Amateur move.

FLETCHER:           Your honor I wish to now enter into evidence Interrogation 5.2.79A. The People have arranged a plea deal with two of the accused and one-time associates of Mr. Rex, Jake White and Amata Hayes.

SIMON:                What?

THE JUDGE:        Continue.

                                                                SFX: HOLOTAPE CRACKLES.

ANDERS: The recorder is on. In exchange for your sworn affidavit today, you’ll be released with all charges against you both dropped.

JAKE:                     Look, we’re just worried about his safety. A lot of this is my fault. We’ve been trying to find him, but he keeps ducking and ghosting us.

AMATA:               I think he may be using stealth boys…but he needs help. Can we see him?

ANDERS: No. Regarding the incident at Camp Wannagrindalot, describe what happened with Brian Williams.

JAKE:                     Brian had evidence. He’d photographed us hunting. Simon and I talked it over…he said…I mean we decided…look he ate Brian. We did together. To keep him quiet.

AMATA:               Look, if I could just see him, we may be able to undo the genetic markers responsible for his mutation. I just need time…I think I’m closer to understanding.

ANDERS: No. So, you and Simon killed Mr. Williams in cold blood correct?

JAKE:                     Yeah…we…we griefed him. Oh god we griefed him good.

ANDERS: That’s all I needed. You’re free to go.

JAKE:                     Simon, if you’re listening to this. I’m sorry.

                                                                SFX: HOLOTAPE CLICKS OFF.

FLETCHER:           At this time, I wish to enter into evidence Affidavit 12.2A. The sworn testimony of former Vault 76 Chief of Security Albert Vince.

SIMON:                Oh no….no no no….

                                                                SFX: HOLOTAPE CLICKS ON.

CMDR. JOHNS:  Alright Vince. We understand for your safety you wish not to testify in person. Can you repeat what you shared with me?

VINCE:                  I had been battling hordes of scorched at Morgantown Airport when they got the best of me. I…I remember dying and going someplace. Somewhere in between life and death. It was awful…elevator music and the shadows of lost souls whispered for me to just quit. I don’t know how long I was there, but at one point Simon Rex appeared. I helped him, protected him. He repaid me by cold cocking me and stealing my caps. With no way to pay to win I was trapped in there. I…I don’t want to remember…but I found a way out. At a price. You tell him…I made a promise to him as he was leaving me behind. He’ll pay for what he did.

CMDR. JOHNS:  Not to worry. We’ll take care of that for you.

                                                                SFX: HOLOTAPE CLICKS OFF.

FLETCHER:           Yet another victim to Mr. Rex’s flagrant disregard for a fellow Vault Dweller.

THE JUDGE:        So noted.

SOLOMON:         I object!

THE JUDGE:        What now?

SOLOMON:         My lord makes angry moth noises on the wind. He does not approve of this trial.

THE JUDGE:        Whatever. Continue.

FLETCHER:           Your honor I wish to call Moose Miller to the to the stand.

MOOSE:               Yeahhhh!!!! Let’s hear it for the Moose! Up high bro! (High five)

CHAD:                   Down low man!

FLETCHER:           Just take the stand already.

MOOSE:               Ah dude! I’m on the radio! Hi Mom! Wherever you are!

THE JUDGE:        I’ll have order here….

MOOSE:               You got any of them donuts? I could eat at least 30 of those!

FLETCHER:           Mr. Miller, please describe your connection with the accused Chad Johnson.

MOOSE:               Oh we go way back kid. Back in the day we used to hang in the back of the classroom in 76 and shoot off laser pistols at the teach when she was getting all with the book learning. We’re been bros forever.

FLETCHER:           And after Reclamation Day, you and your accomplice, Miss Patsy Parker, assisted Mr. Johnson in the construction and operation of the Vault 69 Gym, is that correct?

MOOSE:               Yeah dude. She runs the Mr. Juicer machine and I handle the pleebs and run them through our training program. You should see their little legs run through the flame traps, punji board mazes and survive the electric chair bingo. We also have a contest to see who can do the most pullups before puking.

FLETCHER:           I see. And for this kind of “training” program, you’d charge them high membership fees and extort them for monthly memberships?

MOOSE:               Yeah. If they stopped paying up those sweet caps I’d go bust up their house with my 2 shot missile launcher.

FLETCHER:           I see. Thank you, Mr. Miller.

MOOSE:               Awesome dude! Do I win a prize?

THE JUDGE:        Oh you’ll get the prize. Don’t worry. Take a seat back there again.

FLETCHER:           For my final witness I wish to call Patsy Parker to the stand. Miss Parker? Miss Parker?

PATSY:                  Oh! That’s me!

FLETCHER:           Kindly take the stand.

PATSY:                  Am I going to get an upgrade to like a suite or something? That jail cell is all sticky.

FLETCHER:           We’re working on finding a more permanent residence.

PATSY:                  Will it have working showers?

FLETCHER:           No. Now Miss Parker, we understand that prior to Reclamation Day you were the one time love interest of the accused Mr. Chad Johnson, isn’t that correct?

PATSY:                  Yeah, we were solid all through school and stuff.

FLETCHER:           And then, after Reclamation Day you broke off your relationship to pick one up with Moose Miller, correct?

PATSY:                  Oh yes! He’s my big ol’ love muffin now. Sometimes people just drift apart you know?

FLETCHER:           Now in your deposition, you stated that on the eve of Reclamation Day, the accused Mr. Johnson developed a concept for his BroFit program, yes?

PATSY:                  Oh yeah! He was always so smart with plans and stuff. He came up with idea for BroFit and the gym and everything. We didn’t want to have to work or anything…that’s for lame losers. So, we figured we’d like make a place to bring people in and get all their caps! Then when they ran out, we’d just get rid of them. They always had so much junk on them! It was awesome blossom!

FLETCHER:           Thank you Miss Parker. Please take your seat.

FLETCHER:           Your honor, at this time I have presented evidence of a clear conspiracy by the accused Mr. Chad Johnson and his accomplices Moose Miller and Patsy Parker for an enterprise to commit extortion and murder on a grand scale. I have demonstrated further that the accused Mr. Simon Rex is a dangerous criminal and cold-blooded murderer who cannot be trusted and must be permanently incarcerated for the safety of the peoples of Appalachia. The prosecution rests.

THE JUDGE:        Thank you Fletcher. The case has been presented…judgement shall be passed.

SIMON:                Whoa whoa whoa…just hold on a minute. We haven’t presented a defense. What are you doing?

SOLOMON:         I am listening…somewhere there is a wool sweater. My lord dines on the finest of fabrics!

CHAD:                   Sit down dude you’re gonna git us in ever more trouble.

SIMON:                No. I’d like to call just one witness. One moment please. (Whispers in Solomon’s ear)

SOLOMON:         What? Really. Your honor if you will allow us one witness.

THE JUDGE:        Oh very well. But get on with it.

SOLOMON:         I call the Overseer to the stand.

FLETCHER:           Your honor I object. She is not part of this trial, nor these events.

SOLOMON:         If you’ll indulge me your honor, I shall make clear the connection to these proceedings.

THE JUDGE:        So ordered. Bring her in.

SOLOMON:         Now, please identify yourself to the court.

OVERSEER:          I am the Overseer.

SOLOMON:         No, your first name please.

OVERSEER:          The.

SOLOMON:         No, your name your obtuse strumpet.

OVERSEER:          It’s classified.

SOLOMON:         Err…right. Prior to these proceedings and for quite some time now you’ve been in custody. You had an interaction with my client Simon Rex. Is that correct?

OVERSEER:          That’s correct.

SOLOMON:         Please describe to the court the nature of your work.

OVERSEER:          I was hired and worked for the Vault-Tec Corporation, attached as Overseer to Vault 76 as part of the Societal Preservation Program.

SOLOMON:         My client indicated that you discovered a larger design. A conspiracy at work.

FLETCHER:           Your honor!

OVERSEER:          That’s correct. Vault 76 was a false control Vault, the area and regions surrounding it were designed to be part of an experiment by Doctor Stanislaus Braun and a shadow government operating within Vault-Tec.

FLETCHER:           Your honor I object! I call for recess.

HUGO:                  Ladies and gentlemen the courtroom is breaking out in pandemonium as the former Overseer of Vault 76 has revealed a vast conspiracy at work!

OVERSEER:          Oh no…you’re not going to shut me up now. Braun planned it all to kick off the moment that door opened. We are IN the experiment right now. Did you never wonder why you can’t just leave Appalachia? Have you had a pain in your head and a voice whispering that you can’t go that way? Nuclear code fragments on ghouls just strolling through the countryside? Really? Nuclear silos you can practically stroll into with the right access…but a system…a SYSTEM that will let you drop as many nukes as you want. But only here. Did you think about that? Why here? Why ONLY here?

THE JUDGE:        I’ve heard enough.

FLETCHER:           Your honor, the People demand that these proceedings be closed to the public immediately.

THE JUDGE:        Hawkins get her out of here.

HUGO:                  This is a bombshell! This is the scoop of the century!

THE JUDGE:        And him too. I’m closing the court now. Get him out of here.

HUGO:                  This is a crime against the press!

OVERSEER:          All of you. Every resident is tagged at the cellular level. There’s a reason death has no consequences. Look under Vault-Tec University! Find the access keys!

CHAD:                   Hey, let that lady talk dude!

SIMON:                Hold on a minute. We deserve to know! There’s something bigger at stake here than this meathead and me.

CHAD:                   Damned straight.

THE JUDGE:        The defense’s case is rested. You had your one witness.

CHAD:                   Hold up there super chief.

THE JUDGE:        Chad Johnson, Moose Miller and Patsy Parker you are hereby sentenced to life with no possibility of parole. You are hereby remanded to Eastern State Penitentiary immediately. Hawkins?

HAWKINS:           Let’s go you three.

CHAD:                   Hey I’ll get even with you! You hear me dude? You called down the Chad thunder!

THE JUDGE:        And you. You’ve created a mess. A mess I need to unravel here. You’ve dug into things that don’t concern you.

SIMON:                So I gathered.

THE JUDGE:        Simon Rex, you are hereby sentenced to…

SIMON:                Just one more thing. You see, she told me something else last night I didn’t understand at first. I stayed up all night trying to. She told me that I can just be junk…to use what I’ve been given. Eventually on the edge of sleep it came to me. You know what I brought with me today? Just in case?  This.

THE JUDGE:        A Scrap Kit?

SIMON:                Just a Scrap Kit. A handy little thing that defies physics and just telemagically sends all those typewriters, fans and magnets back home. But the funny thing is, no one wondered what would happen if you just undo the clasp like this and reached in. You see it can transport a little more than just garbage. Goodbye!

                                                                SFX: LOUD WIND AND PORTAL OPENS AND CLOSES.

THE JUDGE:        Hawkins! Fletcher Get in here!

FLETCHER:           He’s gone! He’s just gone!


HAWKINS:           Judge! Chad’s gang have escaped! That little girl and her Supermutant poisoned the officers with lemonade.

THE JUDGE:        Rex just escaped. I want them found. 25,000 caps bounty on all 4 of them. The Bailiff and I are going hunting.

MARY ANN:        Hello? Where did everybody go? I think I was supposed to testify or something?

SOLOMON:         Alas, they are all gone my dear. And so must I. There are bulbs to gather.

MARY ANN:        Well shucks that’s a shame! I’d brought my new Nukelele and thought we could all do a song with the swell acoustics of this place.

BRIAN:                  Well hey there Mary Ann!

MARY ANN:        Well hey Brian! Fancy seeing you here! I thought you were dead?

BRIAN:                  Oh I was! It was nifty. Nice ukulele. How about a swell song?

MARY ANN:        Let’s do it!

                                                                SFX: ACOUSTIC COUNTRY ROADS MUSIC STARTS.

MARY ANN:        Almost heaven, West Virginia

CHAD:                   Blue balls in the mountains…something something river…

MOOSE:               Life is hard here…look at all these pleebs!!

BRIAN:                  Younger than the mountains, growing like a breeze

SIMON:                Country roads, take me home, Gonna dig a shallow grave!


West Virginia, mountain mama

Take me home, country roads

OVERSEE:            All my memories gather 'round her

HAWKINS:           Miner's lady, stranger to blue water

SOLOMON:         Dark and dusty, Mothman in the sky!

PUNCH:                Punch like moonshine, got something in my eye


Country roads, take me home

To the place I belong

West Virginia, mountain mama

Take me home, country roads

SIMON:                ONE MORE TIME!

Country roads, take me home

To the place I belong

West Virginia, mountain mama

Take me home, country roads!



SIMON:                What the? Hello? Hey…can someone unlock this?


SIMON:                Hey! I’m stuck in here?! Oh for fuck’s sake. HELLO! Help! Help I’m stuck!