CAST & VOICE TALENT

• Alexander Luthor ~ Chad Johnson
• Kenneth Vigue ~ Simon Rex
• Jessica Duval ~ Susie Davis, Ethel the Cannibal
• Paul M Watson ~ Jake White, Crazy Fan #1
• Taylor Jinx Knight ~ Amata Hayes, Myrtle the Cannibal
• Clint Winberry ~ Moose Miller
• Jessica Marie Dickey ~ Patsy Parker, Mary Ann Belts 
• Morgan Brown ~ Crazy Fan #2 
• Christian Mower ~ Punch, Mr. Handy, Fisto
• Peter Anthony Buxton ~ Bishop (Bot)
• Mark Hauswirth ~ Abraham, Brian, Announcer, Slick Willy
• Logan Hauswirth ~ Child
• Kris Graul ~ Mr. Graul
• Robert Solomon ~ CannibalCorpse69
• Kevin Chenard ~ Lord Poofy
• Mary Kalopodes-Saunders ~ Lady Jane
• Cody Hightower ~ Monotone Park Announcer

 

KEN: This is Kenneth Vigue. Before this episode, I want to say how amazing last year was for me personally with the success of this show and I cannot be prouder of the amazing team who have helped bring these characters and stories to life. I’m also grateful for the passionate following of fans we’ve amassed who support us every episode and for our amazing patrons who help support the sounds and music you enjoy. As we roll ahead past the mid-way point this season, we rejoin Simon as he realizes the dark secret the Aristocracy has been hiding at the Whitespring. Jake and Amata are still trying to find him, and Chad’s gang are headed out on a rather unique hunt. But as with many of our episodes, we open with a scene from the very end of our story…where you began your journey. 10 episodes ago you first met Simon after a confrontation with Chad that left him crippled and on the verge of death. At the last moment, he was dragged off to who knows where, by the mysterious Mr. Graul. We open now with one very last peek, one final flash forward into the Battle for Appalachia that will end this season in a fire that will engulf everything. As always, this post-apocalyptic podcast contains some foul language, dark humor and depictions of well warranted violence. You have been warned. Proceed through the Vault Door at your own risk.

SCENE 1: INT. BLACK BEAR LODGE.

FADE IN. FIREPLACE CRACKLING.

GRAUL: Well? How is he Abraham?

ABRAHAM:         He is weak…barely clinging to life. Unless he feeds, he will not survive till the dawn. It’s great fortune that you found him when you did.

GRAUL: Doc C.J. Martin attended him, but there was little to be done. Stimpacks are no longer effective for him. He has but one final path.

ABRAHAM:         He will never agree.

GRAUL: Agree or not. He has but one path open to him. Live to lead in the finale battle…or face darkness and oblivion.

SIMON:                (Moans) Where…where am I?

ABRAHAM:         I’ll take my leave. I shall make for Forward Station Delta and await your orders.

GRAUL: Thank you Abraham.

DOORS OPENS AND CLOSES.

SIMON:                No…you…need to get out of here…stay the fuck away from me.

GRAUL: (sighs) Yes, I’m still alive obviously.

SIMON:                I ended you, you sick fuck.

GRAUL: It’s been months since we first met at the Whitespring now. Remember? And yet you’re surprised to see me again. I came back months ago, before you pulled your little trick. I’ve just been…lurking in the background. Watching. Waiting. Seeing. But you still don’t see do you? You didn’t before and you don’t now. You still cling to Old World morality and the blacks and grays of right and wrong. But for all your ranting, raving and protesting of what is right…you committed the ultimate evil didn’t you? That betrayal…a trusted friend…it was almost poetic.

SIMON:                Shut up.

GRAUL: No. No more lectures and debates with you. It’s your turn to listen. You could’ve had everything, family…home…peace. You could’ve wanted for nothing. But you couldn’t let it go. And because you couldn’t let it go…what has it cost you? Appalachia has torn itself apart. 5 armies march for the Cranberry Bog as nuclear hellfire closes in to end us all…and who did it all? Who condemned us all?

SIMON:                I said shut the fuck up. This…all of this was wrong. It was an abomination against life. What Braun did is a travesty against nature and what it means to be human. We weren’t meant to be eternal, nor were we meant to spend that eternity slowly losing our minds with every spin of the wheel…every respawn and rebirth. I did what no one would, and I’d do it again.

GRAUL: Indeed. And you will, because Chad is waiting. One final reckoning. But you need to decide right now if you’re going to break your stupid vow.

SIMON:                I am NOT like you. I am DONE with EATT, the Aristocracy and everything they stand for.

GRAUL: You have about 2 hours of life left in you. You can accept my little gift, trussed up in the closet over there. Or you can die one last time. It matters to me very little, but since our meeting half a year ago, I had some time to ponder our little hunt. I like tidy endings. Your path and Chad’s are one in the same. When all of this is done, just one or neither of you will stand. But all of this will end either way.

SIMON:                Who…. who is in there?

GRAUL: Now, now…you know I love a good game. You’ll never guess who’s in there for you to snack on. But…time is running out and I have my own preparations to make before setting out for the bog.

SIMON:                You…you’re fighting?

GRAUL: (Evil laugh) No…no. Not FOR you, you fool. Against you of course. But with all things being fair and balanced, I want you and your rag tag army at their best before I see you eviscerated. Until then! Eat hearty…

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.

SIMON:                I…fuck…I need…

GETS UP OFF BED. FALLS TO FLOOR. GETS UP. STUMBLES TO BATHROOM DOOR. OPENS IT. PERSON WITHIN MUMBLES.

SIMON:                Of course, who else would it be?

MUSIC & INTRO SEQUENCE

SCENE 2: EXT. ROADWAY. WIND BLOWS, PLEASANT NATURE SOUNDS.

AMATA:               Come on you piece of archaic shit!

JAKE:                     What’s wrong with it?

AMATA:               I can’t get a fix on Simon. It’s like he’s nowhere on the map. There has got to be a way to upgrade these PipBoys…this model is so archaic.

JAKE:                     This is useless…if we are going to have any chance to finding him, we’re going to have to split up. There’s no way he could’ve gotten that far.

AMATA:               He must be cloaked somehow. I’d heard rumors a few months back from some raiders about some Pre-War stealth tech from China floating around. I’ve been trying to find one ever since.

JAKE:                     Right, but for now…let’s see if we can’t find him the old-fashioned way. IF he IS cloaked…how would we be able to see him?

AMATA:               Any sort of stealth field would be generated using a modulating field that would transmit the reflected light from one side of an object to another. But it’s imperfect…to the naked eye you would see the distortion and silhouette on most terrain. Our best chances are at this time of day when it’s sunniest…come nightfall, it’ll be impossible to detect him.

JAKE:                     Right…look, I’m going to keep heading down the road, there is some kind of gym, or something over there, maybe ask around?

AMATA:               Alright…and Jake…

JAKE:                     Yeah?

AMATA:               Be careful.

JAKE:                     You too. Love you.

SUSIE:                   Come on Ella! Let’s see if anyone wandered into our Little Kitty’s funhouse maze!

ELLA:                     I hope there’s lots of paper bags with sparklies! Tee hee!

SUSIE:                   Awww…no. Rats. Maybe we should make a sign for free num nums so people will go inside?

ELLA:                     Screw that! Let’s go hunting already!

SUSIE:                   I wish they’d hurry up and get ready Ella! I want to go for our Thanksgiving hunt NOW!

ELLA:                     Patsy wanted to put on some dumb outfit to hide her thick thighs. Let’s sing our favorite song! Tee hee!

SUSIE:                   If youuuu go out to the woods todayyyy…

SFX: FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

AMATA:               Ohhh…hey little girl! Are…are you all alone out here?

SUSIE:                   Huh? Oh! Yes…my… (starts crying) Mommy and Daddy died a long time ago. It’s just me and Ella now.

AMATA:               You poor thing…is this your place?

SUSIE:                   Yes…Ella and I thought if we built a home and shared some free goodies with people, we wouldn’t be so lonely anymore.

AMATA:               Well that’s sure swell of you. Look, my friend and I are trying to find a lost friend. Maybe you’ve seen him? His name is Simon, Simon Rex. Tall, thin…mop of brown hair…he uhh…he’s kind of obviously hungry.

SUSIE:                   Ummm…nope! But after you see the free goodies, we scavved up we’ll help you hunt for him! We have cold Nuka Colas we found! Some Stempicks…Meattats…and even some 55-sex ammo!

AMATA:               Wow! That’s great. I’m always looking for that…ummm 55 sex ammo. You sure must’ve worked hard to find all that. Are you sure you want to just give it away?

SUSIE:                   Of course, silly!

ELLA (V.O.):        Sharing is caring! Tee hee!

AMATA:               Okay then…it’ll be great to have another person helping us search.

SOUNDS OF FOOTSTEPS GOING INSIDE.

SUSIE:                   Quick Ella! Let’s lock the door.

DOOR IS SLAMMED SHUT AND LOCKED.

AMATA:               Hey! What happened to the door?

SUSIE:                   Oh no! Sometimes it slams and I can’t unlock it. Hang on, I can go up top and I can drop down inside with you! Meet me down the hallways over there.

AMATA:               Okay…sure…this place sure is confusing. It’s like a maze.

SUSIE:                   Oh, look Ella! Let’s have some popcorn and sit in our comfy chair.

ELLA (V.O.):        I do love a good show with Mr. Kitty! Pass the popcorn bitch! Tee hee!

ROARING SOUNDS. CRASHES AND SCREAMING.

AMATA:               Jesus Christ! What is that? How the hell do I get out of here? Oh shit! It’s a Deathclaw! You little bitch! Open the door! Open the fucking door! (Screaming)

SUSIE:                   (Singing) Beneath the trees…where nobody sees…they hide and seek as long as they please and that’s the way the teddy bears have their picnic!

CHAD:                   SUUUUSSSSIEEEEEE! Come on kid! We’re heading out.

SUSIE:                   Oh boy Ella! Let’s go hunting!

ELLA (V.O.):        A few more sacrifices and the Dark God will arise!

SUSIE:                   What?

SCENE 3: INT. WHITESPRING BANQUET HALL.

VOICES TALKING.

GRAUL: …and the award for most dramatic kill in the Ash Heap goes to…. CannibalCorpse69 for his eating of MyLittleFapPony12!

CLAPPING.

CANNIBALC:       Wow…this is just. Wow. Um…I’d like to thank to Mr. Graul and my fellow members of EATT for this prestigious gold coated disembodied head. It’s going to look amazing in my display case. To all my fellow brothers out there remember that no kill is too hard…believe in yourself…remember to where stretch pants when eating people over 120 pounds and reach for the stars!

MORE CLAPPING.

GRAUL: And now with this year’s awards concluded, let the feast begin…and remember every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal (laugh). Now, I’d like to introduce Miss FemFatale8 and her band the Nukatinis who will doing a special little number, “Puttin on the Ritz”.

JAZZY MUSIC IN BACKGROUND.

MARY ANN:        This is quite the spread eh Simon? Although I think people eatin’ is kind of dirty and morally outrageous. I think I’m going to load up on this nifty salad and shiny looking breadsticks.

SIMON:                I’ve always thought soups and salads we like the awkward dates that come before the real date. Let’s just get to the main course already.

STOMACH RUMBLING.

SIMON:                Ahhh…god I’m hungry.

MARY ANN:        Who is that guy over there in the cage? Someone you know? Why is he wearing a diaper?

SIMON:                I don’t know his name…he won’t talk…and when he does, he makes weird noises that sound like potato chips being eaten. I met him a few months back…I named him Legs. I thought Moose and Patsy had killed him.

MARY ANN:        Who is that over there at that table with the big sign?

SIMON:                I don’t know…Chef David Book Signing Today? I’ll catch up with you later.

MARY ANN:        Okay there Simon. But I’m taking this salad, these breadsticks and getting out of here. These people are too weird for me. I wonder if they have a gift shop? I love gift shops!

SIMON WALKS OVER TO TABLE. PEOPLE TALKING EXCITEDLY.

CRAZY FAN 1:     I can’t believe it! I’m such a fan of his work!

CRAZY FAN 2:     I know…his Long Pig Bourguignon served on a bed of grain rice was absolutely inspired!

SIMON:                Excuse me…. what’s going on here?

CRAZY FAN 1:     What? HE is Chef David.

SIMON:                Who is Chef David?

CRAZY FAN 2:     (Scoffs) EVERYBODY knows Chef David. He’s a culinary genius with 2 bestselling cookbooks, the “Let’s EATT! Barbecue Book” and “The Wastelanders Barbecue Guide to People Eatin’”.

CRAZY FAN 1:     He’s only the most well-known celebrity in Appalachia.

CRAZY FAN 2:     Did you hear he’s dating FemFatale8?

CRAZY FAN 1:     Oh, she’s so lucky. He’s so dreamy in that pin-up calendar.

CRAZY FAN 2:     For me? It was September. Laying down on the top of the piano in nothing but a skull mask and discolored blood-stained underwear. What a dreamboat…

SIMON:                Oh my god…these cookbooks are disgusting. Panko covered index fingers with a gulper slurry demi-glace? Dude Au Poivre with steamed silt beans? Uhm… A French Dip sandwich made with…. yeah, I’m not going to say that word.

CHEF DAVE:        Next in line please, next in line.

CRAZY FAN 1:     OH MY GOD! I’m your biggest fan.

CHEF DAVE:        Yes, yes you are…. savor your meals don’t stuff your face. At your size you make yourself a little too obvious a meal. Who should I make this out to?

CRAZY FAN 1:     Ummm… NoticeMeChef69.

CHEF DAVE:        Cute. Next?

CRAZY FAN 2:     I….

CHEF DAVE:        Next in line please.

CRAZY FAN 2:     Oh god…. you’re so hooottttt

CHEF DAVE:        Yes, I know. Ma’am do you want your book signed?

CRAZY FAN 2:     He’s TALKING TO ME! OH GOD YES YESSSS. YESSSSSSSSSS! (panting)

CHEF DAVE:        Abraham, would you mind escorting her out? I think she may need a napkin or something.

CRAZY FAN 2:     I LOVE YOU CHEF DAVID! SIT ON MY FACE! EAT ME! JUST EAT ME!

ABRAHAM:         Okay miss, let’s get you calmed down. Right this way.

CHEF DAVE:        Next? And you? Ah! Our guest for the evening. Simon isn’t it?

SIMON:                Yes.

CHEF DAVE:        This must be something else for you…just arriving this morning after a year in squalor and hell?

SIMON:                This place is…impossibly clean and well-kept. It is amazing I’ll give you that. I haven’t sat on a clean couch since the Vault.

CHEF DAVE:        I see you have my first edition there. Pass it here and I’ll sign it for you.

SIMON:                No, I’m good. I think what you’ve done is monstrous.

CHEF DAVE:        Well that’s rich coming from you.

SIMON:                What’s that supposed to mean?

CHEF DAVE:        You are hopelessly naïve and completely clueless. Do you really think we don’t have eyes and ears everywhere? You were identified immediately after your first kill. But we usually don’t recruit just ANYONE unless they have lineage. Those that aren’t recruited and are as reckless and poor at hiding their crimes like you are…. we remove permanently so as to not draw unwanted attention to our clan from groups who would seek to stop it. The Five-O, the Brotherhood, the Free States…yuck…. even those crazy Mothman cultists disapprove of “tasting of the flesh”. Something about reserving it for the Eldritch.

SIMON:                You don’t know what you’re talking about. But I’d be careful throwing accusations around.

CHEF DAVE:        I’m petrified. At any rate, you should consider looking in the mirror before you serve judgement on others. Here…a signed copy. Keep it or sell it. But something tells me you’ll crack open the cover because you can’t help yourself. If you’ll excuse me…

SIMON:                Cocky bastard misspelled my name. Legs…

SIMON WALKS OVER TO CAGE.

MYRTLE:               Look at the limbs on this “turkey”. The stride alone should make for a challenging hunt.

ETHEL:                   Yes…those fingers…. I can make all sorts of things with those. Have you tried Chef Dave’s Chicken Fried Thumbs?

SIMON:                Hey, I just heard they’re serving eyeball Brule over there.

MYRTLE:               Oh, that sounds…

ETHEL:                   YUMMY! Let’s go Myrtle.

LEERING CROWD WALKS OFF.

SIMON:                Legs?

RATTLE AGAINST CAGE. PANIC AND BREATHING.

SIMON:                Shhhh…it’s me! Look…it’s Simon. What…what did they do you? Your face…you look…irradiated and crippled. Come on…. it’s me. Remember? Simon. I…I’m so sorry. I thought you were dead, or I would’ve come back for you. Look at me. Look at me. I’m going to get you out of here…you hear me? Tonight I’ll…

ABRAHAM:         Having a chat?

SIMON:                Oh! You…you startled me. Abraham wasn’t it?

ABRAHAM:         Quite. We don’t advise that Brothers speak with the prey before a hunt. It can…complicate things.

SIMON:                So how does this hunt work?

ABRAHAM:         At the break of dawn on the Black Friday we will set out in carriages to the north to the hunting grounds at Black Bear Lodge. There, the rules will be set forth, the hunters may choose their weapons and equipment. The prey is released and given their choice of path. They will have 60 minutes before the hunt will begin with the Path Keeper, you, leading the hunting party to the Totem where the parties split up on their own to hunt along their own paths. It is…a sight to see.

SIMON:                I’m sure.

ABRAHAM:         The blood pumping…the thrill of the chase…and then…one hunter, just one…will claim the prey. After which a cocktail gala and grand feast will be held back at the Lodge.

SIMON:                Has anyone ever escaped?

ABRAHAM:         (Laughs)

SIMON:                Guess that’s a no.

ABRAHAM:         We are elite in hunting and combat. The end result is inevitable. Invariably, our master, Mr. Graul, is always 1^st Hunter, 11 hunts….11 kills. This will be our 12^th hunt…now public as we make ourselves known to the rabble and cleanse Appalachia.

SIMON:                Yes…well…if you’ll pardon me, I’m going to grab some breadsticks.

ABRAHAM:         Good eating Brother.

SIMON WALKS AWAY.

GRAUL: Problem Abraham?

ABRAHAM:         Lord Rex has familiarity with this prey. I overheard an indication that he wishes to free our quarry.

GRAUL: Watch him closely…but be discrete. We have plans for him.

ABRAHAM:         It will be done.

SCENE 4: EXT. ROADWAY. FOOTSTEPS.

SUSIE (signing): Ten little Indians standin' in a line,
One toddled home and then there were nine;

Nine little Indians swingin' on a gate,
One tumbled off and then there were eight.

PATSY:                  Are we there yet? This swamp is disgusting…may hair is so grody.

ELLA (singing):   Eight little Indians gayest under heav'n.
One slept with FATSY and then there were seven; (TEE HEE)

PATSY:                  Ugh! Rude! I can’t wait for your batteries to run out.

CHAD:                   Now come on now, let’s try and get along. Hey bro, we almost there?

PUNCH:                Almost there. Not far. There is stupid human’s old tents near there. Punch make fire for weak little female.

PATSY:                  These shoes I stole off that rando are all ruined now.

MOOSE:               Nah. It’ll be fine. You can dry them by the fire while we get our hunt on. Maybe you can pick some cranberries so we can make some barbecue sauce. Here…hop on my shoulders. I’ll carry you.

PATSY:                  You’re like…. the best! Wheeee!!!

MOOSE:               I just love when you wrap your thighs around my….

SUSIE:                   Ella and I have never been on a hunt before.

CHAD:                   Really? Well I suppose it’s not something Daddy’s did with their girls back then. Probably should’ve…you can learn some real survival skills out there.

SUSIE:                   Did your Daddy take you hunting?

PATSY:                  No. His Dad was an old perv who tried to use a Mesmetron on me. He was a total creep.

CHAD:                   (Laughs) Yeah…. Pops had a love for 2 things: the bottle and a hot piece of ass. He did teach me everything I know about robotics though…he had hotwired some of the Handy’s as remote cameras and kept sending them into the ladies’ locker room. He did take me shooting in the caves down below Level 1 though a few times with an old bb gun. This one time he taught me how to maim and kill off some of those radroaches. I shot him square in the nuts. (Laughs). Man, he was pissed. But the whoopin’ was worth it.

ELLA:                     Aim higher. A detached retina is lots of fun! Can you spell retina?

SUSIE:                   Ummm… R…A….no…E…

PATSY:                  What’s that noise?

MOOSE:               It sounds like an aircraft or something.

PUNCH:                No! It stupid human metal birds. They no like supermutant. Always try and shoot and kill. Punch HATE metal birds.

MOOSE:               Look at that dinky little one. What’s that?

CHAD:                   Looks like it is carrying some sort of cargo.

SUSIE:                   Ella and I have seen THOSE before. They’re trouble.

ELLA:                     I identify as a Vertibot from Hell. Tee hee!

CHAD:                   Hey Moose, whip out your quad missile launcher. Let’s do some target practice. Might be some good loot in that cargo.

PUNCH:                NO! Metal birds kill Punch’s friends. PUNCH KILL HUMAN BIRDS!! AHHHHHHH!!!!

EXPLOSIONS HEARD AS PUNCH ENGAGES VERTIBOTS

PATSY:                  Ah! Jesus Christ I can’t see! What kind of gun is that?

MOOSE:               My pants are fucking on fire dude!

PUNCH:                AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! PUNCH KILL BIRDS.

SUSIE:                   Oh boy Ella! This is just like that fun Christmas in Charleston!

ELLA:                     There was a lot of PEW PEW BOOMS and floating bodies! Tee Hee!

CHAD:                   Get down! Get down, they’re swinging around.

MACHINE GUN FIRE FROM OVERHEAD.

PATSY:                  AH! FUCK MOOSE! YOU DROPPED ME RIGHT ON MY TITS!

MOOSE:               Sorry babe trying to get a target lock on these fuckers!

MISSLES FIRE. EXPLOSIONS.

CHAD:                   Nice one bro! Punch dude, lemme try that gun of yours for a minute. What is this?

PUNCH:                Punch not know. Found it inside cave cricket butthole. Shoot pl…pl….asthma green fire that blows up. Has 3 stars carved on side.

PLASMA GATLING FIRES

CHAD:                   Holy shit dude! This thing is lit! I want one! WOOOOO!!!

EXPLOSIONS HEARD.

MOOSE:               Nice one bro! Now take out that cargo bot thingy!

CHAD:                   Hey! Come back here you little flying robot bastard!

PLASMA GATLING FIRES.

PATSY:                  It’s coming back this way!

SUSIE:                   Ummm…no, it’s going over there!

ELLA:                     Chasing this thing makes me wish for a Nuclear Winter. Tee hee!

CHAD:                   I love this gun! How the hell does it shoot out explosives and plasma? It’s giving me a woody!

PUNCH:                Okay Chode. Give gun back to Punch.

CHAD:                   Not now dude. I’m still using it.

PUNCH:                No, you give back to Punch now. Gun give PUNCH woody. Not CHODE.

CHAD:                   Get off dude! I’m trying to shoot that bot!

PUNCH:                MINE!

CHAD:                   MINE!

PUNCH:                MINE!

CHAD:                   NO MINE! I NEED IT!

PUNCH:                CHODE FIND OWN GUN IN CRICKET ASS!

PLASMA GATLING DISCHARGES

PATSY:                  (Screaming) Oh my God my hair! I’m on fire!

CHAD:                   Oops. Here dude.

SUSIE:                   Quick! Run around a lot flailing your arms that will put it out! (Laughing)

ELLA:                     This is the best thing I’ve ever seen.

MOOSE:               PATS! Jump in the swamp quick!

SPLASH AND HISS.

PUNCH:                Punch tired of game.

PLASMA GUN DISCHARGES. BOT EXPLODES. CRATE DROPS.

PATSY:                  Somebody Stimpack me!

MOOSE:               Here you go babe. Bend over.

INJECTION NOISE.

MOOSE:               All better.

PATSY:                  Look at my hair. Can we go home now?

MOOSE:               I think we’re almost there. Come on it’ll be fun.

PATSY:                  I’m all stressed out now.

MOOSE:               Here…pick one. I’ve got all kinds of chems. They hand them out like candy out here. I’ve got uppers, downers, smart ones, strong ones, with this one you can eat bricks…and this one makes you trip balls and see glowing lights over people and stuff.

PATSY:                  Just give me that Calmex one.

INJECTION NOISE.

MOOSE:               There. Better?

PATSY:                  Ummm…I feel funny. Wheeee! This place is just so outside you know? Like it’s like outside?

MOOSE:               Sure. Whatever. Come on babe…up we go!

PATSY:                  How did you get so big? What are you? How you do that?

MOOSE:               Hey bro, let’s crack this thing open and see what’s inside! Might be some brews.

LOCK PICKING NOISE.

CHAD:                   A little to the left…

SUSIE:                   I think you need to go slower that way?

CHAD:                   Man, I hate these fuckin’ things…it’s like a minigame no one wants to play.

PUNCH:                What you doing Chode?

CHAD:                   What’s it look like? Trying to open this container.

PUNCH:                Silly humans. Punch smash.

SMASHES THE LOCK LIKE IN REALITY.

CHAD:                   Well…that’s pretty convenient. Let’s see…. check this out bro! Loads of supplies we can use.

SUSIE:                   Oh! Look there’s some canned coffee! Can Ella and I have some!

CHAD:                   Sure…just pace yourself. The last time you had caffeine we had 20 paper bags to cleanup from your spree. Hey…what’s this thing?

MOOSE:               It looks like a card or something.

CHAD:                   Oh shit! I know what this is! Remember those lame slideshows in class? This is one of those nuclear keycards! The military used to use them to arm the warheads and stuff in the old days.

SUSIE:                   Oh boy! Maybe we can drop one! That would be fun!

ELLA:                     Fun? That would BE the end game I’ve been waiting for! Tee hee!

PUNCH:                Punch HATE metal birds. (Spit) Burn bad metal. Come, follow Punch. Almost there.

SCENE 5: INT. HOTEL

HANDY: Right this way Lord Rex…A115…A117…ah! Here we are Master, Lord Suite A119! Press your hand to the palmprint pad please.

SIMON:                Umm…okay.

SFX: HAND SCAN NOISE. DOOR OPENS.

HANDY: Here we are sir…one of our finest suites. Mr. Robert House himself called these rooms his own during the Golden Age here at the Whitespring. But alas…all gone now. Right in here is the main parlor and entertaining area….

SIMON:                Jesus Christ…this place is huge! This…this is mine?

HANDY: Yes, these quarters are now permanently assigned to you as per the Whitespring Trust. Our progenitor, Wilbur Ainsley the 3^rd, decreed that in the eventuality of his death and the death of all living heirs, that ownership of the property would revert back to the royal lineage of the 1858 founders.

SIMON:                Ohhh man! A pristine Nuka Cola machine! And it’s fully stocked!!

HANDY: Through here is the master bedroom and en suite.

SIMON:                A bed…a proper…clean…worm free, disease free, princess pink free bed. One second…there’s something I’ve got to do. Ahhhhhh! Oh man…clean sheets.

HANDY: If you’re quite through…in here is the master bathroom with soaking tub and shower and…

SIMON:                Oh my god…you have a working toilet! Like a clean one…that doesn’t look like someone ate a grenade and dropped a deuce in it. What’s that?

HANDY: A bidet sir.

SIMON:                A what?

HANDY: A bidet. It’s for cleansing after a healthy evacuation…

SIMON:                How does that even work…

HANDY: This unit is not programmed with its instructions.

SIMON:                Like…do you squat over it? Or do you just lean over like you’re catching a football?

HANDY: All of your needs will be attended to by Bishop, your personal assistant. Bishop? BISHOP?

BISHOP:               Huh? Oh! Oh! Oh! A Master! Oh, hi Master! Do you need anything? A shower? A shave? A cookie? A massage? A cookie massage?

SIMON:                Whoa…you uh…need to chill. Wait…what the fuck is a cookie massage?

BISHOP:               Oh, it’s been ever so long since I had a Master. But you…oh look at that jawline! And your clothes! They need a proper washing, pressing, dry cleaning, some stitching…

SIMON:                Is he always like this?

HANDY: He hasn’t had to attend anyone in quite a while Master, it does get ever so dull for us repeating default programming. If you need anything, Bishop can request it of management. Mr. Graul wishes to remind you that the carriages will depart tomorrow on the Black Friday for Black Bear Lodge promptly at dawn. Formal attire is required for the cocktail gala and grand feast following the hunt.

SIMON:                Right…do I need to bring anything?

HANDY: All weaponry and hunting gear are provided courtesy of Mr. Graul. If you’ll excuse me.

BISHOP:               Are you hungry? Thirsty? Hangry? What about some Blamco Mac and Cheese? Or a Salisbury Steak? I can heat up a wonderful Salisbury Steak with lots of gravy…or no gravy if you like that. Tell me what you need…tell me whatever you need

SIMON:                Oh my God shut up for a minute! What’s the matter with you? Calm down…I’m going to take a very long and well-deserved shower.

BISHOP:               Oh! That’s a great idea Master! Allow me to select the finest, most fluffiest of towels!

SIMON:                No…I’ve got it thanks.

BISHOP:               Here, let me set the ideal shower temp for you!

SIMON:                No! Get out!

BISHOP:               Of course, sir, anything you say sir, I’ll be just outside. Yell if you need anything.

SIMON:                Jesus Christ on a jetpack. Just want some peace and quiet.

SIMON:                Ah! Ohh…too hot. There…there we go.

SIMON:                Oh man…that feels amazing…hot, clean…running water. (Sighs)

BISHOP:               Oh, this temperature is ideal master!

SIMON:                Ah! What the fuck?? Get out of here!

BISHOP:               I’m fully stocked with both Cleanso 100% Sulfate Shampoo and Primm Conditioner! Allow me!

SIMON:                Ah! You sprayed it in my eyes! I can’t see, you stupid bastard!

BISHOP:               I’m trained in 8 different scalp massage techniques master! Here is setting 1!

SIMON:                Owww!

BISHOP:               Oh! Watch your step master! Slipping hazards in the shower are one of the most common causes of head trauma for those over 60…

SIMON:                Well you blinded me with shampoo!? You know what…out. I’m done. Done showering. Hand me that towel.

BISHOP:               One hot towel! Coming up!

SIMON:                Ooof! Oh my god it’s burning!

BISHOP:               I have the hottest towels this side of the Savage Divide sir!

SIMON:                Out! Get the fuck out! Get out! I need to get dressed.

                                                                SFX: BATHROOM DOOR SLAM.

SIMON:                Jesus…I hate robots. I do. There I said it. Need to talk to management. But first I need to see to legs. If I pick the lock and leave it unlatched, he should be able to make his way out on his own. Right…the meeting room should be empty by now.

                                                                SFX: BATHROOM DOOR OPENS.

FISTO:                   Sir…

SIMON:                Who…who are you?

FISTO:                   I am Fisto. Your personal attendant ordered massage and special services for you. ASSume the position please. Servos activating.

                                                                SFX: OMINOUS WHIRRING NOISES.

SIMON:                What are…no…no…. get away me! NOOOO!! AHHHHHHHH!

                                                                SFX: DOOR SLAMS. SCREAMING CONTINUES.

SCENE 6: EXT. NIGHT. CAMPFIRE CRACKLES.

SUSIE:                   Oh boy Mr. Punch! These S’mores are nummy!

PUNCH:                Punch make little friend more. Lots more choc late.

CHAD:                   This is a pretty sweet camp setup you found bro.

PUNCH:                (Grunts) Belong to tin can humans. Yuck. Tough shells to crack. Too much work.

MOOSE:               Hey dude…what’s…ummm…For…. for…uhhh…stay…stay…I don’t fucking know. Looks like it was some kind of military thing. But this giant missile launcher thing is the tits! Should be able to get it working in the morning.

PATSY:                  So, like…why can’t we just hunt this thing now and go home?

MOOSE:               Awww come on babe, the best time for hunting is just before dawn. It’s our best shot at getting a really good bird!

CHAD:                   Here Pats…keep yourself busy with this Tick Blood Tequila.

SUSIE:                   Mmmm! You want some S’mores Ella?

ELLA:                     S’mores? Yuck! I only swallow souls! Tee hee!

PUNCH:                Punch think little toy is bad ju ju.

SUSIE:                   Oh! Tell us a story Chad!

MOOSE:               Here Bro, take a swig of the new batch of brew, this stuff is killer. Punch is trying out a new recipe.

CHAD:                   Ahhh…damn dude…that burns. What’s in this?

PUNCH:                Special reci pe. If Chode bleed from ears, see doctor.

CHAD:                   Err…right. Well a story huh? Welp (burps) Welp…let me tell you the story of our great country before everything went to shit. It all started with Pil…. the uhh…the Plebians. See like a couple hundred years ago they were just trying to do their Dutch thing…like pray, make windmills, wooden shoes and stuff. But there were these other weirdoes who thought their outfits sucked. So, the Plebians built this ship the uhh… Juneflower and said, fuck you guys…we’re going to go somewhere else and just do our own thing. Well sir, they sailed across the Atlantic and it was pretty lame. They only had like beef jerky and stale beer to live off. They also didn’t have TV or nothin’ and their ladies back then had like jungle bush, so sex wasn’t that exciting. Well, one day just as they were givin’ up, they slammed repeatedly into some rock and are like, “Hey! We’re here.” But they got out and looked around, but it was just a beach and the artsy fartsy types would be around for another few years to settle there, so they cruised on down the coast and saw some of them injuns had like some nice grass, crops and stuff and they said, “Hey! Let’s go take that because we’re superior and stuff.” So, their leader Governor Bastard got them all together and said, “Let us make this land our land, not your land…from sea to shining sea.” Well the injuns didn’t take kindly to that, but the Plebians taught them how to take baths and big hats that doubled as port-o-johns when you’re huntin’ in the woods and stuff. And that’s how we got America! Now why do you head on in the tent there and get some sleep.

SUSIE:                   (Snoring quietly)

CHAD:                   Kid? Kid? Come on…let’s tuck you in.

MOOSE:               Let’s all get some shut eye dude. Tomorrow we blast some birds!

PATSY:                  Where’s he gonna sleep? I don’t think there’s room?

PUNCH:                Punch keep eye out for family. Silly humans rest. Punch keep fire going. Kill stupid potato rat creatures if they come close.

MOOSE:               Goodnight bro!

PUNCH:                Chode forgot little scary toy.

ELLA:                     Finally, some peace and quiet. Hey! Hey, you big green bastard…tip me up so I can face the flames.

PUNCH:                Punch pick up.

ELLA:                     That’s better. The cleansing flames tickle my fanny! Tee hee! Hey…hey you like to eat people, right?

PUNCH:                Punch makes lots of good food with all kinds of meat. Even meat bags. Puny humans need gravy and seasoning…some mushrooms to taste good. Cook low. Cook slow.

ELLA:                     You’re alright Mr. Punch. Tee hee!

SCENE 7: INT. NIGHT. BALLROOM.

SFX: DOOR SLOWLY OPENS. QUIET FOOTSTEPS. FLASHLIGHT CLICKS ON.

SIMON:                Quietly Simon…. nice and quiet…

SIMON:                Legs? Shhh shhh…it’s me. Look I’m going to get you out of here okay? I unlocked the service door back there behind the serving area. I’m going to unlock the cell door…just give me a bit to get out of here before you make a break for it okay? I left some supplies in a bag by the door. I can’t go with you…not yet…not safe and I need answers. I know…I missed you too. Almost there…and then you’ll be…

SFX: WET THUD.

SIMON:                Ah…

SFX: BODY TO FLOOR.

ABRAHAM:         As predicted…you broke my lord’s covenant to free this animal. He who leaves the path to belabor the hunt shall themselves become the hunted.

SFX: CELL DOOR OPENS.

ABRAHAM:         Out! Get out of here you cur.

SFX: KICK NOISE.

ABRAHAM:         That’s right. Run, you filthy animal. We have much more worthy prey for the hunt now…

SFX: DOOR OPENS. LIGHTS COME ON.

GRAUL: What’s going on Abraham?

ABRAHAM:         Lord Rex set the prey free m’lord.

GRAUL: He did what? I asked you to watch him!

ABRAHAM:         He was quite cunning and gave me the slip in the hallways. He had freed the beast before I had a chance to intercede.

GRAUL: A pity. Our tenants are clear. We’ll proceed with Plan B then. A shame…I had such plans for this one. Very well, strip him. Take everything but his PipBoy. Secure him for transport to the hunting grounds. I’ll see you in the morning.

ABRAHAM:         It shall be done.

SCENE 8: EXT. ROADWAY. DAY.

JAKE:                     I can never tell if this thing is on or not. Ehm…hello future me. More bullshit walkin’ and talkin’. Instead of tucking into a nice meal for Thanksgiving, I’ve been schlepping through a swamp all fuckin’ night. Now I can’t find Amata either. Waited for 3 hours for her at the rendezvous…no sign. I backtracked to that weird gym, but it was quiet and locked up. Took a walk out back…and Jesus Christ…it was like some kind of weird zoo back there. There was some dude dressed up in a bear costume in a cage with a ball gag in his mouth. Gave him a Stimpack and some food. He was rambling about some crazy little girl and this demonic doll or something. I think the dude was half crazed from exposure. Anyway, no sign of her anywhere. Checking out this big metal building nearby. Wish me luck.

SFX: GROWLING. SCREAMING.

JAKE:                     What in the…

AMATA:               SOMEONE! HELP!

JAKE:                     Oh God…Amata!

AMATA:               JAKE! Where the FUCK have you been?

JAKE:                     Looking for you! What is it?

AMATA:               Some little bitch trapped me in here with a Deathclaw! I’m pinned behind a door. It got a couple of good slashes in me.

JAKE:                     Hang on! I’m picking the lock.

AMATA:               Hurry up!

JAKE:                     Oh shit…

AMATA:               What is it??

JAKE:                     This is a level 3 lock! I only can pick level 1’s?

AMATA:               What?? Well didn’t you train properly? What the hell have you been using those playing cards for?

JAKE:                     Well I’ve been focusing on being a plumber and engineer…. but mostly I figure some kind of bloodied power armor melee kind of thing.

AMATA:               PICK ANOTHER FUCKING CARD!

JAKE:                     Allright! Allright! Jeez…let’s see…Woodchucker…no…Animal Friend…no…. White Knight? Uhhh…hmmmm…

AMATA:               JAKE!!!!

JAKE:                     Ah! Hang on. Here we go. Expert Lockpick!

SFX: HUMMING NOISE. RAPID HEARTBEAT INCREASE.

JAKE:                     Hang on…yes…I can see now! This is a Tiger / Simmons Tumbler 2500. A little to the left…. a little to the right…and…there!

SFX: DOOR OPENS.

AMATA:               I need a distraction! It’s got me pinned!

JAKE:                     Ah! I’ve got just the thing. Hey! Catch this you big bastard!

SFX: CRYO GRENADE EXPLODES.

JAKE:                     Come on! It’s chillin for a bit…but that won’t last long.

SFX: ANGRY GROWL. RUNNING.

AMATA:               Close it! Close the door!

SFX: DOOR SLAMS. LOCK IS HEARD.

JAKE:                     There.

SFX: ANGRY POUNDING. SCRATCHING. GROWLING.

AMATA:               Quick thinking with the grenade.

JAKE:                     Why thank you. You okay?

AMATA:               Yeah…could use a Stimpack.

JAKE:                     Allow me.

SFX: Stimpack noise is heard.

AMATA:               Phew…much better. I was scared there for a moment.

JAKE:                     Come here.

SFX: KISS

JAKE:                     You said it was some little girl?

AMATA:               Some little ghoul brat. If I ever see her again…

JAKE:                     Well…what now? I looked all night. No sign of Simon and it looks like you didn’t get very far.

AMATA:               Uh…noooo. Looks take a look at. Wait…look! There he is! Look! Check your PipBoy!

JAKE:                    Looks like he’s heading northeast at a pretty good pace…

AMATA:               Come on. If we hoof it, we should be able to catch up!

SCENE 9: INT. DAY. BLACK BEAR LODGE.

SFX: WATER SPLASH.

SIMON:                (Coughing) Ahhhh…Jesus Christ…what the…

GRAUL: Rise and shine my boy.

SIMON:                You…what is this? Where’s my clothes???

GRAUL: Oh, you won’t need them. Any supplies either. This hunt is about purity. So, as you run for your life today try not to wallow in the muck too much. It makes dressing you afterward a real challenge for Chef David.

SIMON:                Let me THE FUCK out of here.

GRAUL: Oh, I will presently. Our hunters are gearing up as we speak. I wanted to review the rules of engagement for this Most Dangerous Game…

SIMON:                I’m not playing your game.

GRAUL: (Laughs evilly) Oh…I’m afraid you have little choice. Whether you choose to or not…you are hunted until the hunt is completed. We never stop. We never, ever stop hunting our prey until it’s done. But uniquely and for the first time, we’ll be hunting you. A prey that comes back ag ain and again. So, this hunt will go on forever. But first…some rules: presently I’ll be releasing the exterior door to your cell and you scamper away as fast as your little legs can go. We’ll give you a 30-minute head start…so use your time wisely. You’ll find in this region very little brush. For sport, I usually let the other members head out first while I relax with some whiskey and wait. I’m a patient man…so I let them have their fun and then Abraham and I will set out.

SIMON:                I’m going to kill you.

GRAUL: Oh no…quite the opposite. I’ve never lost. Besides, if they can’t find you and I can’t find you by sundown on this day, I set out the dogs. Look…out the window there below.

SFX: DOGS BARKING ANGRILY. SCRATCHING AT WALL.

SIMON:                They’re…what are they…

GRAUL: They may have been dogs once. We captured some after raiding a supermutant encampment and slaughtered them. They are extremely aggressive towards any creature except their own kind, but as I said, I’m a patient man.

SIMON:                Mark my words…I will kill you.

GRAUL: I’m terrified. Before I put a bullet between your eyes today …I’m going to let you in on a little secret.

SIMON:                What secret.

GRAUL: Ah ah ah! Not yet. First…the hunt. Right…well on your mark. Get set. RUN!

SFX: ELECTRICAL SWITCH. DOOR OPENS.

SIMON:                Mark my words, any of you coming after me…I won’t be responsible. You will bring this upon yourselves.

GRAUL: Farewell Lord Rex! I’ll see you this afternoon! (Laughs evilly)

SFX: RUNNING. HEARTBEAT PUMPING.

SIMON (VO):      Fuck fuck fuck…where to go? Where the hell is this? Toxic Valley? I need to put some distance between them and me as quickly as possible. Head north? No… a straight line is too predictable. Let’s see…to the west… the old Slick Willy’s Water World. Big…sprawling, lots of places to hide above and below. Fuck. That’s it. Run…got to keep a steady pace. How did I get myself into this? How??? No…I need to keep my nerve. Panic and I’m dead. Lose my wits…and I’m dead. First things first Simon…you need to find some supplies. I need to find something to use as a weapon…anything. Any kind of weapon or armor.

SFX: COUGHING.

SIMON (VO):      The air…the dust from the ground. Guess that’s why it’s called the Toxic Valley. Think. 9 carriages, 8 hunters setting out first in 28 minutes or so…Mr. Graul and Abraham afterward. If h  e relaxes…say another hour after that and he’ll set out to track me. This is survival pure and simple. You against them. They have numbers, know the terrain and have ample supplies. What do you have? What the fuck do you have? Cunning…improvisation. Your feet idiot. Look down. You’re leaving far too obvious tracks. Think…you’ve GOT TO THINK. Right…first cut north…then due west to Slick Willy’s…need to avoid  running into ferals or threats until I get some weapons.

SIMON:                Fuck…thing back to survival training at camp. Fucking Brian…what did he say…it was IMPORTANT damn it…

BRIAN (VO):       Things sure are challenging in the Apocalypse fellow counselors, but our official Camp Wannagrindalot Ghoul Scout G uide is your friend! There’s a fascinating section on 81 different knots that is just dreamy. In fact, the term knot dates from the 17th century, when sailors measured the speed of their ship by using a device called a "common log." This device was a coil of rope with uniformly spaced knots, attached to a piece of wood shaped like a slice of pie….

SIMON (VO):      Shut up Brian! Jesus Christ…even in my head you’re fucking irritating. What was it you said about survival…?

BRIAN (VO):       Hold your horses you silly goose, I’m getting to that.

SIMON (VO):      I’m so glad I ate you.

BRIAN (VO):       That sure did hurt! But that’s okay, the universe and karma always balance out the negative with the positive! It’s the concept of…

SIMON (VO):      Yeah yeah…survival. What did you say about survival during our counselor training?

BRIAN (VO):       Oh, that was a SWELL training! (Clears throat). One of the most cunning and clever animals in nature is the Red Fox, Vulpes Vulpes, and they are found throughout most of the world. They are among nature’s most calculated predators themselves, who only count their own predators as wolf and man. Over time the clever fox developed a series of uniquely effective countermeasure to thwart hunters from stalking them. These include doubling back on their tracks, side-stepping, switching terrain to mask their track and even walking on fallen timber to leave no trace at all. They survive superior predator’s using wily survival skills and are almost always effective. One fascinating tale of…

SIMON (VO):      Yeah, I’m good thanks. Throwing you to the back of my mind again where you belong. There! A bush! Perfect!

SFX: BRANCHES CRACKING.

SIMON:                Come on…come on…. need the whole thing!

SFX: WOOD BREAKS.

SIMON (VO):      Perfect! I can use this to sweep away my tracks behind me…leave them on a false trail…need to get something on my feet…some rags or leaves…moss or something. Maybe if I…

SFX: FERAL GHOUL SCREAM.

SIMON:                Oh shit…oh shit! No no!

SFX: STRUGGLE.

SIMON:                Ah! No….no….

SFX: PUNCHING.

BRIAN (VO):       Well golly. Brian again! Looks like you’ll be joining me in the Atomic Shop soon. They have a swell new bed made of reclaimed lumber! Oh! Looks like it’s tearing into you pretty good. Life going down pretty fast. That’s nifty!

SIMON (VO):      Shut the fuck up Brian! Get out of my head!

BRIAN (VO):       I calculate you have a 1 in 10 chance of surviving your wounds at this point whether it tear out your jugular or not. I once read a fascinating…

SIMON (VO):      Kill it! Fucking kill it! IT’S YOU OR IT! EAT IT! ATTACK IT!

SFX: VISCIOUS RIPPING NOISE IS HEARD.

SIMON:                HUNGRRRYYYYYYY. KILLLLLLLLL.

BRIAN (VO):       Well…this is disgusting. I’m out of here.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS. SLAMMING DOOR.

SIMON (VO):      Okay…you did it. Threat eliminated. You can stop now. You’re full and healthy. Stop. Stop…come back. Come on Simon…. you can do this. They’re coming…do you want to die as a fucking animal? Or live as a man? DIE OR LIVE!

SIMON:                (Breathing heavy) …n…no…l…live…as …a man. Clothes. Gotta take its rags. I can wrap my feet…hide my tracks. I…am not…an animal. I won’t be hunted like one…

SIMON (VO):      Perfect…now…stick to firm soil…there’s enough fallen timber around the tree line. Stick to the rocks…harder for them to track you. They’ll be setting out soon after you. Need to lay false trails then break for Slick Willy’s. With a bit of luck, I’ll find supplies and weapons. But that won’t be enough. They’ll have combat armor…Stimpacks…heavy weapons. Need something more. Make the game on my terms. Traps. Need to set some traps.

BRIAN (VO):       Well hey there! Back again! I went and grabbed myself some delicious vanilla frozen custard. It’s just the thing on a hot day!

SIMON (VO):      What? You’re not even real…

BRIAN (VO):       Well golly…I dunno. I think you’re suffering from a psychotic break. That’s swell! But hey…you had a question about traps to use in a survival situation? Let me tell you about the history and engineering of the Malay mancatcher…

SFX: RADIO STATIC. ORCHESTRA STARTS UP.

CHILD:                   Aww shucks…another boring ol’ summer day. Why it’s hot enough to melt rocks out here. I sure wish there was something to do!

ANNOUNCER:   Psst…hey kid! Wanna get wet?

CHILD:                   Huh?

ANNOUNCER:   On a sweltering day, you can beat the heat by yelling until your folks bring you on down to Appalachia’s premiere destination for wholesome American fun: Slick Willy’s!

CHILD:                   Slick Willy’s?

ANNOUNCER:   Sure! Everyone remembers Slick Willy!

CHILD:                   Isn’t he that weird prospector cartoon from that guy that was sued by Hubris Comics?

ANNOUNCER:   You bet your penny loafers it is! That fumbling but loveable old prospector went panning for gold in Appalachia and found WATER in there thar hills! Slick Willy’s Water World is 3 acres of wet & wild aquatic attractions!

CHILD:                   OH GEE! That sounds swell! Tell me more!

ANNOUNCER:   Well…

SLICK WILLY’S WATER WORLD THEME

S - is for slipping and sliding through the water

L - is for loads of memories

I - is for Inquisitions, Insurance, and Injuries

C - is for celebrating families

CHILD:                   That sounds NIFTY! I wanna get wet! I bet momma, sissy, and grammie wanna get wet too!

ANNOUNCER:   (mumbles) I’ll bet they do…this is getting borderline problematic…ah well (regular voice again) Just you wait, there’s more!

CHILD:                   TELL ME MORE MISTER!

ANNOUNCER:   W- is for welcoming everyone together

I - is for Investigation pending

L - is for the laughter that drowns out all the screaming

Y - is for you and me

CHILD:                   Wait…what? This is starting to sound iffy...

ANNOUNCER:   Buck up buckaroo! I’ll tell you what… If you come on down today, you’ll get a signature Slick Willy’s Willy Whacker!

CHILD:                   WOW! Is that like the whacker from that OTHER amusement park?

ANNOUNCER:   No no! To avoid another lawsuit this one is just different enough! This one looks JUST like ol’ Willy himself!

CHILD:                   I want a Willy Whacker!!

ANNOUNCER:   Then grab your friends, grab your folks and lay tracks on down to Slick Willy’s Water world!

CHILD:                   YAY!!!

ANNOUNCER:   All together now!

BOTH:                   S - is for singing and screaming in the water

L - is for liability

I - is for Infections, irritants and infirmaries

C - is for closing indefinitely

ANNOUNCER:   Slick Willy’s Water World is located off Exit 17 on Route 59, near Clarksburg. Thrill, adventure and compound fractures await you at Slick Willy’s!

SFX: RADIO STATIC.

=== SCENE 10: EXT. DAY. FORWARD STATION ALPHA

PATSY:                  Where are these stupid turkeys? We’ve been sitting here since dawn!

MOOSE:               Shhhhh! Quiet babes…you gotta stay totally quiet so you don’t scare the birds!

PATSY:                  But I’m borrrreeeed.

SUSIE:                   Me too. Can we go home soon?

CHAD:                   Not yet little bit. We gotta be patient.

SUSIE:                   It’s been hours and hours and there’s no birds to hunt!

ELLA:                     I’ve got nothing. Nothing to say. That’s how bored we are. Tee fucking hee.

PUNCH:                Shhh! Birds always listen.

CHAD:                   Hey…why don’t you and Pats go back over yonder and round up some cranberries in that bog we passed? That’ll kill some time and when we get home Punch can make us some of that cranberry relish?

SUSIE:                   Oh boy! Oh boy! Let’s go!

PATSY:                  Anything is better than sitting here. Got my packpack…let’s go squirt.

CHAD:                   Hey! Keep an eye on her. Dangerous out here.

PATSY:                  Yeah yeah…let’s go you little curtain climber.

SUSIE:                   Oh boy oh boy!

ELLA:                     Let’s sing a cheery song as skip through the bog!

PATSY:                  Oh GAWD…not the Teddy Bears one…it seriously creeps me out.

ELLA:                     If you think that’s creepy, just wait until you end up in the well.

PATSY:                  SUSIE! You shut that thing up!

SUSIE:                   No, YOU! Shut up. Let’s sing our other favorite song Ella!

SUSIE & ELLA:     The ghouls go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah

The ghouls go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah

The ghouls go marching one by one,

The feral one falls upon his bum

And they all go marching down the Vault

To maul all the dumb and the lame!

PATSY:                  Yuck…my shoes are totally ruined. Where is this place anyway?

SUSIE:                   Ummm…over there! Oh, look Ella! Some nummy berries!

ELLA:                     Let’s use Patsy for fertilizer! Tee hee!

PATSY:                  Like…what kind of berries are these?

SUSIE:                   I dunno.

PATSY:                  Should we be eating them? We’ll like…probably get a disease…

SUSIE:                   Let’s find out! (Eats) Mmmmm…jelly jelly on my fingers! You try!

PATSY:                  It tastes…. hmmm…it’s not bad. Kind of super sour…

PATSY:                  (SCREAMS) GET IT OFF ME! OH, GET IT OFF!

SUSIE:                   What is it???

PATSY:                  It’s a giant tick thing! It’s stuck on my nipple! GET IT OFF ME! (SCREAMS) GO GET MOOSE!

ELLA:                     Tick tick on the nip! (Drinky drinky down a cupee! Evil laugh)

SUSIE:                   Hold still!

PATSY:                  (SCREAMING) GET IT OFF! NATURE SUCKS! FUCK NATURE! I WANT TO GO HOME!

SUSIE:                   You’re only making it angry! What should we do Ella?

ELLA:                     Punch her in the tit of course! You gotta show that tick who’s boss! Tee hee!

PATSY:                  What? NO! Don’t you!

SFX: PUNCH

PATSY:                  OH! YOU LITTLE…

SUSIE:                                                   SFX: PUNCHES

PATSY:                  OW!! GOD DAMN IT! STOP! GET MOOSE! Go get MOOSE! Cut it out!

ELLA:                     Hit her again! One, two, three, one, two, three, a fist to the nip and the tick starts to slip! (Evil laugh)

SFX PUNCH. GOOEY EXPLOSION.

PATSY:                  (SCREAMS) OH MY GOD! I’m like covered in blood!

SFX: STIMPACK NOISE.

SUSIE:                   You look all icky!

PATSY:                  Right. You. Her. Stay here. I’m going down to that little pond over there to clean up.

SUSIE:                   Ummm…okay.

PATSY:                  I mean it. Stay put!

SFX: WALKING AWAY.

ELLA:                     Let’s go on an adventure all by ourselves like in the old days! Remember? Maybe we’ll find another lemonade stand!

SUSIE:                   That sounds fun Ella! (Humming Teddy Bears Picnic)

SFX: SKIPPING AWAY.

SCENE 11: EXT. DAY. SLICK WILLY’S WATERPARK

LORD POOFY:     Look ‘ere Lady Jane! This wily prey attempted to disguise his tracks heading into Slick Willy’s ha ha whaaat?

LADY JANE:         Oh Lord Poofy! I cannot wait to deposit my Furious Sledgehammer into the melon headed cranium of this buffoon, so we sup on his insides.

LORD POOFY:     Right you are Lady Jane. Did you see the Chateau Hines chilling? An aperitif selected by Mr. Graul from his own wine cellar.

LADY JANE:         Is that the 68 or the 69?

LORD POOFY:     The 69 of course! A delightful year!

LADY JANE:         Oh yes! Quite smashing! Whatever happened to this place? This…Slick Willy’s? It looks like it was a haven for the overfed and underpaid and their acne riddled rabble!

LORD POOFY:     Quite…quite. Some comic artist if you can believe that build the damned place. Burt Castle I think his name was…created a cartoon with a goofy gold miner in the early part of the 2000’s while has working for Hubris Comics….

LADY JANE:         That garish rag for children? UGH! Drivel!

LORD POOFY:     RAAAATHEEER. Well, Castle was fired for embezzling from the company.

LADY JANE:         No!

SFX: STATIC NOISE ON SPEAKERS.

SLICK WILLY:       Hey kids! It’s your ol’ pal Slick Willy here! You know what's F-U-N fun? Peeing radioactive isotopes! skedaddle on over to Nuka Cola Soda Garden, courtesy of Nuka World! Free samples of 8 delicious flavors. But watch out for them cattle rustlers! HU-HYUK!

LADY JANE:         All these speakers are still working. It’s ghastly!

LORD POOFY:     Oh yes indeed! Well, Castle found himself in quite the scandal. Despite being run out of Boston, her opened a small studio of his own…hired a few amateur cartoonists and made some Slick Willy cartoons that the peasants adored. After a motion picture deal, he had enough money to open an amusement park with all sorts of water themed rides and attractions.

LADY JANE:         I recall something of a scandal with that too!

LORD POOFY:     Oh yes indeed Lady Jane! It became notorious for being one of the most unsafe attractions in the country. The lawsuits were mounting before the Great War broke out. Now the place has just been rotting these past 25 years. Now…mum’s the word…look…see the disturbance in the silt there? It’s all about stealth now. My rifle Ol’ Blue hasn’t failed me yet…

LADY JANE:         Oh, let me have a go!

SLICK WILLY:       Hey kids! Slick Willy here to let you know that Miss May Belle’s Corn Dogs are always available to fill your face. Served up piping’ hot, well they’re hotter than a whorehouse on nickel night! HU-HYUK!

LORD POOFY:     Why of course my dear! Ladies prerogative. After you….

LADY JANE:         Oh, there appears to be some debris here. Watch your…

SFX: SPRING NOISE. SLIDE AND MASSIVE CRASH. WET SPLAT.

LORD POOFY:     LADY JANE! NO!

SIMON:                (Echoing around) Well come on then. If you’re going to hunt me. Hunt me.

LORD POOFY:     You FILTHY peasant! I’ll rend you limb from limb!

SIMON:                I’m over here.

SFX: GUN SHOT.

SIMON:                No…no…here…

SFX: GUN SHOT.

LORD POOFY:     FACE ME LIKE A MAN!

SIMON:                A man? Sure. Right through here. Come on then…I’m just inside here…

LORD POOFY:     (Breathing hard) Where you…come out and face me. Can’t…bloody see in here.

SIMON:                Allow me.

SFX: FLARE NOISE.

LORD POOFY:     My eyes! That light! I can’t see! You bastard!

SIMON:                Watch your step.

SFX: PUNCH AND SHOVE. BODY FALL.

LORD POOFY:     (SCREAMS FADE AWAY)

SIMON:                2 down. 6 to go.

BRIAN (VO):       Well gee. That was effective. A Malay Mancatcher and a Burmese Punji Pit. You’re all sorts of creepy. Well it’s getting a little too dark in here for ol’ Brian. If you need me, I’ll be in the lounge reading Picket Fences. But I think you’ve got this. (Hums)

SIMON:                I think so too.

SCENE 12: EXT. DAY. CRANBERRY BOG.

CHAD:                   Dude. I’m at the point bro where I’m bored as all hell. I just jacked off to that Nuka Cola chick for something to do. Where the hell are these birds?

PUNCH:                Silly human. Not patient. Have to wait for big too key. Punch watch sky for Chode.

MOOSE:               Hang on dude…what’s going on over there? There’s like…some sort of green smoke or something. What the fuck?

PUNCH:                OOOOHHH! HERE COME HERE COME! GET READY! BIRD COME!

CHAD:                   Bro…what the fuck kind of bird is…oh shit

SFX: FISSURE EXPLODES OPEN. SCORCHED BEAST SCREAMS. FLIES INTO AIR.

CHAD:                   Oh, hell no dude! That’s no turkey! That’s one of those screaming bitch bats!

PUNCH:                Yes! Good bird! Roast with veggie. Low and slow! We kill!

MOOSE:               Oh, crap dude…those things are bullet and missile sponges. Hang on…almost done fixing this missile launcher turret thing.

SFX: SCORCHED SCREAM. BLUE HAZE HELL.

CHAD:                   HURRY THE FUCK UP BRO! It’s screaming and for some reason blinding me!?!?

PUNCH:                Punch killllllll!

SFX: GATLING PLASMA SPIN UP AND FIRE.

PUNCH:                YEAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! CHODE SHOOT! CHODE SHOOT!

CHAD:                   Uhhh…. I have…ummm…Moose dude, borrowing your missile launcher.

SFX: MISSLES FIRE. MORE SCREAMING.

CHAD:                   I can’t see shit! Hurry up dude, this bitch is killin’ me!

MOOSE:               Hang on bro…one more connection.

SFX: BROTHERHOOD TURRET STARTS FIRING.

CHAD:                   Now we’re cooking with water! Hold up…she’s landing, she’s landing!

SFX: THUNDEROUS LANDING.

PUNCH:                YEAAAHHHH! RUSH CHODE! KILL WHILE BIRD DOWN!

CHAD:                   Ah crap! I’m out of missiles. Hang on…got this uhhh…Boxing Glove!

MOOSE:               Come on dude, let’s punch her around!

CHAD:                   Where do I hit her!

MOOSE:               Hit her back there…in that uterus udder thing!

SFX: PUNCHING NOISES. MISSLES FROM BOS TURRET CONTINUE.

SFX: CREATURE FALLS TO THE GROUND

CHAD:                   WE DID IT! KICKASS!

PUNCH:                Punch start carving too key! Make meat bags. Bring home for dinner!

SFX: RUNNING

PATSY:                  What the HELL is that thing??

MOOSE:               AWWWW Pats you missed all the excitement! Hey, what’s she’s packin?

CHAD:                   Hang on…let me check inside her…uhhh…. got some Stimpacks, a shotgun, a fancy hairbrush and some chems. Hey…where’s the ankle biter?

PATSY:                  She’s not back here?

CHAD:                   What? No!

PATSY:                  I had this whole thing with a tick…I TOLD her to sit still while I…

CHAD:                   (Panic) Well, where is she?

PATSY:                  I don’t know. When I got back to where I left her, she was gone.

CHAD:                   You LOST her? I told you to keep an eye on her??? You had ONE thing to do.

MOOSE:               Hey…chill bro…it’s not her fault…

CHAD:                   Yeah…except it is. I told you to watch her…it’s dangerous out here.

PATSY:                  Like sorry, I just figured…

CHAD:                   I’ll tell you what Pats…why don’t you leave the figuring to people who at least half a brain. Going to find her my damned self…

PATSY:                  Well that was…

MOOSE:               He’s just pissed. Let him go. Sure, he’ll find her. We need some help here carving this ummm…bird up.

SFX: RUNNING

CHAD:                   Where the hell did she go! SUSSSSIEEEEEE! COME ON KIDDDD! WHERE ARE YAH? Jesus Christ what if something got her…

CHAD (VO):        Nice job dude. Another slick fuck up. Doesn’t matter though does it? With no little curtain climber around, you get with the poon life again! No distractions.

CHAD:                   Shut the fuck up. She counts on me.

CHAD (VO):        Oh man…it’s happened hasn’t it? Your ol’man was right…

CHAD:                   I said shut up. SUSIEEEEEEE!

CHAD (VO):        You’ve gone soft. She’s a 12-year-old monster. A handful…a burden. We got along just fine until she came along. Now you’re what…her fuckin’ Dad?

CHAD:                   I never said I was. That’s not what it’s about. SUSIEEEEEEE!

CHAD (VO):        What exactly IS it about? Is this gonna be some radio drama bullshit? Because if so, I’m gonna pop some corn, grab a beer and plop my ass down in nothing but my underwear to hear you moan like a little bitch about how much of teddy bear you are.

CHAD:                   Daddy knew a lot about a lot of things, but he knew fuck all about being a parent much less a human being. He was a real son of a bitch. He never gave a flying fuck for me until I was old enough to help him steal shit. But her? I look at her and she makes me want to be better than he ever was.

CHAD (VO):        Oh man…so, what you OWE her for digging you out of that grave?

CHAD:                   You don’t get it. It’s not owing her…it’s about wanting to care for her because no one else can. No one else has.

CHAD (VO):        I think I’m gonna be sick dude…you sure you should be out in this sun? Snowflakes melt in this heat (laughs). I’m out…I’ll be in the back of your head replaying all those times you railed Pats. Have fun!

CHAD:                   You don’t have to be blood to be family. She’s mine. SUSIEEEEEE! Some kind of farmhouse over there.

SFX: GRASS MOVES.

CHAD:                   Sussieeee! Kid? You in there?

SUSIE:                   CHAD! CHAD! HELP!

CHAD:                   Jesus Christ…I’m comin’ kid! Hang on!

SFX: DOOR KICKED OPEN. BOARDS CREAK.

SUSIE:                   I’M DOWN HERE! QUICK!

CHAD:                   Did you fall? I’m comin’! Can’t see shit down here.

SFX: FLASHLIGHT CLICKS ON.

SUSIE:                   I need help braiding kitty’s hair!

CHAD:                   Awww…what? Jesus Christ you scared the shit out of me! What is that thing?? It looks like a penis with teeth!

ELLA:                     This thing sucks! Tee hee!

SUSIE:                   He was nasty at first…but Ella and I played with him a bit and he calmed down. What…what’s the matter with you?

CHAD:                   Don’t run off like that again! DO YOU HEAR ME?

SUSIE:                   We just wanted to…

CHAD:                   Promise me!

SUSIE:                   I…I promise.

CHAD:                   It’s dangerous down here. You could’ve been hurt.

SUSIE:                   I’m…sorry. Are you mad?

CHAD:                   No! Damn it…you just scared me. Come on…we killed ourselves a…uhh…” turkey”.

SUSIE:                   Oh boy! We can go home and make a big feast?

CHAD:                   Yup!

SUSIE:                   What about kitty?

CHAD:                   Uhhh…let’s leave kitty down here. He might belong to someone…or something. Besides…your real kitty is at home waiting for yah (mumbles) hopefully he didn’t eat all the god damned crops…

ELLA:                     Let’s get out of this dump!

SCENE 13: EXT. DAY. SLICK WILLY’S WATER WORLD

SFX: CREEPING FOOTSTEPS.

PARK ANNC:       (Monotone) Mr. and Mrs. Smith, we are still waiting for you to pick up your son Adam at the security office. Children are reminded that defacing official park signage to read “Water Shart” will result in a permanent ban from this park. That is all.

ABRAHAM:         Look m’lord…

GRAUL: Ah…tripline. Disguised in the shadow of the concession booth. You know…I have to give Lord Rex credit. He’s lasted far longer than our previous quarry.

ABRAHAM:         All those paper bags…all that blood…

GRAUL: Yes indeed, Abraham…it looks like our gala dinner this year will be just you and I. Ah well, all the more for us, eh? Hush now…listen. Walk gingerly…we are closing on him. I can feel it…I can smell his fear…

SLICK WILLY:       Hoooooo weeeee! Slick Willy here kids! If you’re lookin’ for a of rip-roarin’ wet and wild adventure, burn the breeze and head for Slick Willy’s newest attraction: the Gold Flush! 25,000 gallons of water moving at skin tearin’ high velocity as you get flushed on down the toilet into the gold panning lagoon! HOOOO WEEEEE!

GRAUL: Blasted speakers. There…. you see Abraham…a slight movement of the banner in that lemonade stand…come now…we’ll circle back round and corner him.

SIMON:                If you can hear me, it’s going to be a very quiet meal this year Graul. I’ve bested your best hunters. Now…it’s just down to you, your man and me.

GRAUL: Why don’t we cease this cat and mouse game. You think I don’t recognize someone throwing their voice to lead me away from their hiding place? That is a very old trick…very old…the day grows short and I am quite hungry. Let us say goodbye Lord Rex… (whispers) There…in the shadows beneath the counter. I have him.

ABRAHAM:         Be careful sir…

SFX: SPRING TRIGGERS. SOMETHING SWINGS DOWN FROM ABOVE.

ABRAHAM:         NO!

SFX: SICKLY THUD AS A SPIKED CLUB STRIKES ABRAHAM.

GRAUL: ABRAHAM!

SFX: BODY FALLS TO THE GROUND.

GRAUL: YOU SON OF A BITCH! I’ll KILL YOU!

SFX: DOOR CREAKS CLOSED.

SIMON:                You first.

SFX: GUN BLASTS. STRUGGLE.

GRAUL: You disappoint me Rex. This isn’t the form of a hunter. Come on…change…. FIGHT ME AS YOU REALLY ARE. AS I AM!

SFX: ANGRY GRAUL BEGINS TO CHANGE INTO A WENDIGO.

SIMON (VO):      No…no…. don’t change. Don’t give in…not again. Run. Fucking run Simon…LIVE AS A MAN AND RUN!

SFX: RUNNING. PANTING.

SIMON (VO):      Up. Climb up. Gain high ground. Take the advantage.

BRIAN (VO):       Well hey there!

SFX: ANGRY WENDIGO HOWL AND PERSUIT.

BRIAN (VO):       Ah…nope. Fuck that thing! Good luck.

SIMON:                Thanks for the support Brian.

SFX: CLIMBING. CREAKING METAL AS SIMON CLIMBS SLICK WILLY.

SIMON (VO):      A gigantic 200-foot Slick Willy with a water slide penis…no wonder this place raised a few eyebrows. Keep climbing…it’s below…can you hear it? He’s coming…

SLICK WILLY:       Say PAWWWW, Slick Willy here reminding you that no trip to the park is complete with your family without a trip to our Old Possum Beer Garden and Lazy River! Get yourself fuller than a tick and plop into one of our inner tubes and enjoy a leisurely float around the park. Keep your eyes peeled as you float through our topless mermaid grotto! GOLLLLLYYYYYYYY. There’s NIPS in them there hillls! HOOOOO WHEEEE!

SIMON:                Keep your nerve…come on…. keep calm…don’t change. Please don’t change.

SFX: STOMACH GROWLING.

GRAUL: (Voice distorted) HUNGGGRRRRYYYYYYY. KILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

SIMON (VO):      The platform! Climb over…NOW!

SFX: METAL GROANING. SLASH OF CLAWS.

SIMON:                AHHH! FUCK MY ANKLE!

SFX: KICK. GRAUL ROARS.

SIMON:                Whoaaaa….

SFX: METAL PANEL GIVES WAY.

SIMON (VO):      Don’t fall…don’t fall…that’s instant death…. come on…pull up! PULL UP NOW!

PARK ANNC:       (Monotone) Slick Willy’s Water World is not responsible for death, dismemberment or other injuries. That is all.

SIMON:                (Grunting)…com--e onnnn…

SFX: CRAWLING ON WOOD. THUNDERCLAP. RAIN BEGINS POURING.

SIMON:                Okay…now what? Ah…fuck…

SIMON (VO):      You’re fine…it’s just a slash…not much bleeding. Focus. What do you have up here? He’s coming back up.

SIMON:                Uhh…a fishing rod and a bottle of Old Possum.

SIMON (VO):      Umm…yeah, I got nothing. Although there is one possibility…

SIMON:                Oh no…

SFX: WIND WHIPPING. PAN DOWN

SFX: STOMACH GROWLING. BELOW RAPIDLY ASCENDING WENDIGO.

GRAUL (VO):      Hunt. Kill. Feed. Hunt. Kill. Feed. Ohhh…Mr. Rex. Holding on to your humanity, locking away your true potential. So disappointing. It’s almost over. I’m all instinct now. Beast only. A shame in a way…this was the best hunt I’ve ever had.

SFX: SCRAMPLE UNTO PLATFORM. SILENCE. RAIN AND LIGHTNING. CREATURE PANTING.

PARK ANNC.       (Monotone) Parents are reminded that recreational firearms are not approved for use in the water gun range. That is all.

GRAUL: Finnnisssshhhheedddd…. killll nowwww…

SIMON:                Before you do. Thank you. You taught me something. You all did. For the longest time I fought this thing within me. But to be evil…to commit evil…is a choice. You can choose to live like a monster or die like a man.

SFX: GRAUL STARTS TO GROWL.

SIMON:                I choose the latter… (intact of air)

SFX: WIND RUSHING. ANGRY ROAR FADING AWAY. HEARTBEAT INCREASING. SPLASH. UNDERWATER AMBIENT NOISE. HEARTBEAT SLOWING. STOP.

SFX: CRACK OF BONE AND ANGRY GROLWS AS GRAUL TURNS BACK.

1. GRAUL: (Panting) Son of a bitch…waste of good meat.

SFX: FEET ON METAL STAIRS.

SFX: MOVEMENT TRANSITION.

AMATA:               SIMONNNNNN!

JAKE:                     Whoa…what the….

AMATA:               Fuck…look at…that’s a lot of blood.

JAKE:                     What happened here?

AMATA:               I…I don’t know. But…all these bags.

JAKE:                     You don’t think?

AMATA:               Simon. Oh…Simon…

JAKE:                     Come on! He has to be somewhere in there!

AMATA:               No. Come on. Time to go home.

JAKE:                     What? What do you mean?

AMATA:               He’s gone Jake. Look at this. Who he was is gone.

JAKE:                     We can’t just give up on him.

AMATA:               This is the work of a monster. Not a friend. Come on…we’re going to get drenched.

JAKE:                     What are we going to do?

AMATA:               This isn’t about helping a friend anymore. It’s…it’s about letting the authorities know. They are equipped to handle this kind of thing. We’re not.

JAKE:                     Simon….

PARK ANNC:       (Monotone) To the owner of a Metallic Blue Corvega, your headlights have been on for 25 years. That is all.

SCENE 14: INT. VAULT 69 GYM.

SFX: BEDROOM DOOR OPENS.

CHAD:                   You all tucked in kid?

SUSIE:                   (Sleepy) Uh huh. Ella and I are AWFUL full.

CHAD:                   Did you like your dinner?

SUSIE:                   Ohhh it was the best Thanksgiving ever.

CHAD:                   I’m glad you enjoyed it. Good night little bit…

SUSIE:                   Chad?

CHAD:                   Yeah.

SUSIE:                   Can you tell us a night night story?

CHAD:                   Uhh…sure. I guess.

SFX: BED CREAK.

ELLA:                     Make it a scary one! One about people who never die! Tee hee!

CHAD:                   Hmmm…how about something less meta? Did your mommy ever tell you a bedtime story?

SUSIE:                   Yup! Every night!

CHAD:                   What one did she read?

SUSIE:                   Crochety Crochety and the Sassy Alligator! It was silly.

CHAD:                   Hmm…I don’t know that one. Hey…did you hear the one about Hairpunzel? The princess who didn’t shave down there? Actually no…that’s uhh kinda not appropriate…let me tell you a different one. Once, long ago…. like a few years back there a little family living on the edge of a big woods. There was a Papa and his little girl who lived in this shack.

SUSIE:                   What was the girl’s name?

CHAD:                   Uhhh…. Susie.

SUSIE:                   Oh! Like me!

CHAD:                   Yeah. Well the Papa was real sad because the Mama had died a long time ago. He didn’t give a rat’s ass about being a Dad and spent most of his time swiggin’ beer and chasin’ the milk maids down the road. Well…time wore on and the little girl got real sad and one day decided she’d run away and find a real family. So, one morning, she packs up her little purse with like makeup and feminine napkins and a chicken sandwich and heads off into the woods. Well it was a beautiful day and she walks on and on singing little songs and stepping on frogs and stuff. Well it started getting dark…and cold. And before too long she started to get scared. “Oh, it’s cold and dark out here! I miss my warm bed and little home.” Well she turned around and realizes before too long she’s lost. She gets scared and starts running…all around her in the dark were awful noises…coyotes and bears growling and licking their lips…and some shithead with a microphone on eating nachos. Just awful. Well she reaches a clearing with an old, old fountain. The moon peeked out from beneath the dark clouds and lit up the little clearing and the fountain. As she got closer, she saw a beautiful fairy. “Oh, little girl, little girl…why do you fret?” Well the little girl explained she was lost and why she ran away. Well the beautiful fairy smiled and said, “Oh little girl, little girl…cry not your tears. Come close to the edge and I’ll take away all your fears!” Well the little girl leaned over on the edge of that old fountain and reached out towards the beautiful fairy. Well just as she was about to touch the surface of that dark water with the fairy reaching up out of the depths, a familiar voice behind her cries out, “Susie my child! Get away from there!” The little girl startled and started to fall forward. As she did…the beautiful fairy’s face fell away revealing a twisted and rotten one, with eyes like burning coals, a dark tattered cloak and just one giant tit. She was a monster. Just as that horrible witch was opening its mouth to swallow the child down into that dark water, her Papa wrapped his arms around her and pulled her back. He gathered her up and ran from that place as the witch screamed in fury. Well when they got home, her Papa showered her with kisses. She said she was sorry for running away and asked him, “Papa…why are you crying? I thought you’d be happy.” He smiled and said, “Oh my child, my child…so long ago now, I lost your mother to those dark waters when she broke the ice and fell into the darkness of that cursed place. When that ice broke, my heart broke. I couldn’t see light. I couldn’t see love. I couldn’t see you. But when you were gone…when I thought I lost you. I realized how much I loved you. I promise…we won’t live in the shadow of that loss any longer.” The little girl believed her Papa and he kept his word. He still drank and chased tail, but he always made time for his little girl. And they all lived happily ever after.

SFX: QUIET SNORING.

CHAD:                   Susie? Kid? Good night kid.

ELLA:                     That story sucked balls. If this gets any more cheesy, I’m going to puke up my batteries. Tee hee!

SCENE 15: INT. STUDY. FIRE CRACKLING. FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING. DOOR OPENS. FOOTSTEP CLOSER. CHAIR SITS. HOLOTAPE CLICKS ON.

GRAUL: EATT Culinary Log 412: After a spirited hunt and despite our best hunters this year, the quarry escaped the feast through suicidal means. Sadly, the depths of that irradiated lagoon are far too deep. I awaited any disturbance in the water for 20 minutes before returning home. Chef David prepared nonetheless a secondary repast of Suckling Long Pig…some plebian who fortuitously showed up at the front door at the behest of the Grafton Mayor AI. It was excellent as always but was missing the essence of the hunt…the flavoring of adrenaline, fear and flight. I completed the evening with a bottle of Pol Roger and half a bottle of Chambertin and tomorrow must turn my attention to finding a replacement man servant for Abraham until he is resurrected…if he is resurrected. Tomorrow I make the return trip via carriage with Chef David.

SFX: HOLOTAPE CLICKS OFF. FOOTSTEPS TO FAR END OF ROOM. DOGS BARKING. BALCONY DOOR OPENS. LIGHT BREEZE.

GRAUL: Better luck another time my vicious friends!

SFX: LIGHTER CLICK. DRAG ON CIGARETTE.

SIMON:                They say those things will kill you.

SFX: COUGHING.

GRAUL: REX! How in God’s name did you get here?! You never came back up! I waited!

SIMON:                I told you I had mastered my little problem. I…evolved. A choice. The choice of a man. I replaced my inner demon with a hand little skill…I believe they call it Aquaboy. There was the small matter of some disease from the vile water, but I’ll take care of that with a trip back to the Whitespring. I’ve heard tell that their Sulphur fountains can cure more anything.

GRAUL: (Laughing) Well. I congratulate. You have won the game.

SIMON:                Won? Oh no…in your eyes I am still fair game.

GRAUL: Yes. Yes…I see. Splendid! One of us will feed my hungry hounds tonight…the other will sleep in a very excellent bed.

SIMON:                As you wish.

SFX: STRUGGLING. FADING AWAY. LIGHT BREEZE. BARKING OF DOGS. SINGLE GUNSHOT.

SFX: PANNING INTO BEDROOM. CLOCK TICKING. DOOR OPENS. FOOTSTEPS APPROACH. CLOTHING REMOVED. SHEETS PULLED BACK. SOMEONE CLIMBS INTO BED. SWITCHES OFF LIGHT.

SIMON:                (Sighs) You were right Mr. Graul. This is indeed…a most excellent bed.

OUTRO MUSIC PLAYS.