These transcripts are for your enjoyment, but please do not reuse, readapt or reproduce without express written permission. ~ Ken
CAST & VOICE TALENT
KEN: This post-apocalyptic podcast contains some foul language, dark humor and depictions of well warranted violence. You have been warned. Proceed through the Vault Door at your own risk.
FADE IN ON CLASSIC 4TH OF JULY FILM 1940. TV SWITCHES OFF.
MUSIC & INTRO SEQUENCE
SCENE 1: INT. SIMON’S QUARTERS
TAPE PLAYING NOISE, SLOW FADE IN. VAULT AMBIENT NOISES
KEN (VO): The Vault, Independence Day, 2102. This is it. The very last Independence Day we’ll be celebrating in Vault 76. In 3 months time, that door opens and our big adventure begins! But before it does, we’re making this final 4th of July something special. Our electronics and applied robots teacher Mr. Simmons has been setting up our very own radio station! He and Hugo Warren have been working on a mobile broadcasting platform that can be set up after Reclamation Day to start broadcasting all over Appalachia again! The Overseer gave them permission to do a test broadcast and also cover some of the fun events we have today. The big parade, the ball game on sublevel 3…even the hot dog eating contest in the atrium. Jake and I will be on the air doing some fun skits and stuff. As excited as I am…Chad needed extra credit to pass…so he volunteered to help with the broadcast. I…I’m sure it’ll be fine. Happy 4th in the good ol’ U.S.A.!
TAPE REEL DISENGAGES.
SCENE 2: WV-76 AM STATION ROOM
VAULT AMBIENT NOISES. COMPUTER BEEPING.
SIMMONS: Okay Hugo…check the frequency there on the VU Meter. We should be clock in at about 670 kHz.
HUGO: Ah…check and double check. 670 kHz.
SIMMONS: Okay…remember the board is finicky, so be gentle with it. All of this is still untested. I’m going to check the transmitter one last time.
HUGO: Yeah…running a direct feed from a fusion generator into the platform with an extension cord made of a garden hose, 50 feet of aluminum foil and 5 gallons of Nuka Cola Quantum isn’t exactly broadcasting standard.
SIMMONS: It was better than the high voltage line we made out of human hair. I’ll be back in 5. Remember…we sign on in 5 minutes. The Overseer is a stickler for promptness.
SIMON: Hey hey Hugo. Ready for our big debut?
HUGO: We’ll see. As long as you don’t sneeze this thing should keep it together. Did you get the program finalized?
SIMON: Yes indeed. We have Old Man Foster who will be kicking things off with the Pledge of Allegiance…hopefully he remembered to put his teeth in. We’ll switch over to Jake remotely who will be on level 6 reporting on the parade. We’ll have the Mr. Handy singing the National Anthem, followed by Patriot’s Picnic…the Declaration of Independence Skit, Lionel and his Tap Dancing Radroaches…yadda yadda.
HUGO: And Chad?
SIMON: Look…let’s just give him something simple. He can put those biceps to use and be a mic stand.
JAKE: Okay…don’t freak out.
HUGO/SIMON: (groan) What…
JAKE: Chad found one of the old Tricentennial Vault Boy Mascot heads in store…
SIMON: I mean…so? At least it’s Patriotic
JAKE: And that’s all he’s wearing. He painted stars and stripes on his tightey whities.
HUGO: Does this mean we have to stand and salute?
SIMON: NO! It’s…it’ll be fine.
CHAD: Hey ladies. Salute…my shorts.
JAKE (V.O.) Hey…you guys get me up there?
CHAD: No…we can’t hear you dude. Is this thing on.
HUGO: Ah! Watch the board you moron.
FOSTER: Hey kids…is this where I sing the songs?
SIMON: Oh…my god…are you drunk?
FOSTER: It’s Indepants Day! Don’t sass talk me.
CHAD: I love this guy.
JAKE (V.O.) What’s going on up there?
SIMON: Nothing…it’ll be fine. Mr. Foster? Let’s head into the recording booth okay? You…you want to leave that bottle in here or?
FOSTER: I fought for this bottle in the Battle of Anchorage you little shit. I earned it.
CHAD: Come on Old Dude…let’s get you ready. Give me some of that…
HUGO: We need to get goin’
SIMMONS (VO): Hugo…you there?
HUGO: Yeah…go ahead.
SIMMONS (VO): I’ve got problems down here. Hose sprung a leak. We’re not going to get a clean energy transfer, so I’ll have to patch it and keep an eye on it. You kids go ahead.
SIMON: Oh great…no supervision.
HUGO: It’s fine. We go live in 30 seconds.
SIMON: Chad? Just get him to sing to the script there.
CHAD: Chill dude. Remember the words of Abraham Lincoln: My best friend is an old man who will give a swig of a moonshine I haven’t tasted.
HUGO: Okay…in 5…4….3….2….1.
HUGO: Good day Vault 76 and…
HUGO/SIMON: Happy Independence Day!
HUGO: I’m your host for today’s 4th of July festivities Hugo Warren and with me today is Simon Rex here in the booth. This is inaugural broadcast of WV76, made possible by Mr. Simmons, myself and Nuka Cola Victory! Yes, Nuka Cola Victory, a sparkling citrus blast of patriotic pleasure in every fizzy sip. In honor of our final 4th of July here in Vault 76, the Overseer has cracked open a few of this cases she’s been secretly hiding all these years. Grab a bottle in the Atrium today before the parade.
SIMON: We also have a very special treat today, Major Thomas Foster, former envoy to General Constantine Chase who was 5 times decorated his role in the liberation of Anchorage Alaska who will be kicking off our festivities with the Pledge of Allegiance.
FOSTER: (hiccups) What?
SIMON: We’re ready when you are sir.
CLATTER OF TEETH TO THE FLOOR.
HUGO: Oh my God his dentures fell out.
CHAD: You got this dude…here…
FOSTER: I pwedge mallegence to the bag of Buneeted Steets of Mahmerica
SIMON: 1 minute in and this is-- a disaster.
FOSTER: And bo to the mopublic mo wik it stahhhhhhhds.
DEAD AIR. AWKWARD SILENCE.
HUGO: Is…is he asleep or is he having a stroke?
SIMON: MR. FOSTER!
FOSTER: (yells) Dos sons of beeches hab stalth sits General! We neeb dos powah amoh suits now!
CHAD: Come on dude…let’s finish off that moonshine.
HUGO: Thank you Mr. Foster for that spirited opened. See what I did there?
SIMON: Don’t do that.
CUT TO GRAND OLD FLAG SONG BITE.
HUGO: And now we head down to our reporter in the hallway Jacob Hayes, who is at the start of the 4th of July parade!
JAKE: Thank you Hugo. This year’s theme is America the Exceptional, representing over 300 years of red, white and blue. At the end head of the procession is Belvedere, our janitorial Mr. Handy who is playing The First American, the Newton of Electricity…Benjamin Franklin.
BELVEDERE: Good day fine Americans! I not only was one of the greatest Founding Fathers, in addition to inventing my own alphabet, a stove and discovered electricity. But truth be told I do love tart-y ladies with big backsides. But I if I am to be remembered for one thing…let it be this quote and not the bodies that were discovered in my basement, “They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.”
JAKE: Wise words indeed. I read your essay in the archives, “Fart Proudly”. It was breathtaking.
BELEVEDERE: Yes indeed! I live by my Thirteen Virtues.
JAKE: And with that, the parade procession is off! Approaching us now is the engineering team who is festively dressed as the Pilgrims, the very first people to set foot on this blessed land. They escaped oppression and met some friendly natives who helped them out.
SIMON: Beautiful costumes Jake. Wha…what’s that comin’ up behind them?
JAKE: It appears to be a rock made of paper mache…
CHAD: Hey hey Vault bros!
HUGO: Chad! Get back up here. What are you supposed to be?
CHAD: I’m the Provincetown, Massachusetts rock the Nina, Pinta and Santa Claus slammed into repeatedly when they landed. See my backside is damaged
SIMON: I mean…none of that is accurate. Also…inappropriate.
SIMMONS (VO): CHAD! Get back up to the control room. That’s an order.
CHAD: Yes sir…lame.
JAKE: Oh! And here is something special the security and administrative staff dressed up in the festive period costumes of the Continental Congress. There’s Thomas Jefferson, John Hancock and even Button Gwinnet.
HUGO: Love me that Button Gwinnet.
JAKE: And now we have some kids from the 10th grade class dressed up as the Minutemen, the iconic Massachusetts protectors.
HUGO: Oh! What happened there.
JAKE: Looks like a few of them tripped.
SIMON: Well I sure hope they don’t need our help. Tell them to move right along. I’m sure they can figure it out for themselves. Needy, no good…
HUGO: ANYWAY…oh look! There’s that amazing 10-foot-long flag, hand stitched by the Vaultwives Auxiliary. Beautifully done.
JAKE: Whoa! Look out! Last but not least is the Excavators Core, riding around on their pint sized Corvegas sporting their traditional fez’s. Folks they train all year for this, working on delicate figure 8 maneuvers and loop de loops at great speed.
SIMON: Wow! They sure fly on those pint sized Corvegas.
JAKE: They sure do…they’re true.
SOUNDS OF SQUEELING TIRES. NUCLEAR EXPLOSION.
HUGO: Ah…whoops. Looks like a wheel came off. Fire suppression teams are on the way.
SIMON: Moving right along, we have a Mr. Handy who has been specially programmed for a soaring rendition of our National Anthem. If everyone, everywhere will rise.
HANDY BEGINS SINGING, BUT ELECTRICAL SHORT CIRCUITS ARE HEARD. HIS SINGING PITCH RANGES WILDLY.
HANDY: Oh, say, can you see, by the dawn’s early light, What so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming? Whose broad stripes and bright stars, thro’ the perilous fight’ O’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming! And the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air, Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
SIMON: What…in the actual…
HUGO: Thank you Mr. Handy! Who programmed that?
CHAD: He was off key so I fixed him. Epic. Ha ha!
SIMON: Right…we’re now going down to the Patriot’s Picnic which has commenced in the Atrium. Jake, how you doin’?
JAKE: Scorched, but breathing. We rolled out our best fake grass and have picnic blankets all set up. Come on down for fried chicken, fresh cut watermelon, and all the burgers, and deviled eggs you can eat. I’m heading over now to the annual Hot Dog Eating Contest. Oh! Mr. Simmons is here!
SIMMONS: Yes indeed! Power issues all set finally. I’ll be judging the contest this afternoon. We have some deliciously preserved Atomic Mayer Wieners up here. The nation’s most well-known purveyor of hot dogs before the war that had a unique atomic curing process for added flavor. They’re steaming and ready to go. In this corner, we have our returning champion…Moose Miller!
MOOSE: The King is back baby! This little waify lady ain’t got nothin’ on me. I’m a 3-year reigning champion and she is going down! I’ve been prepping all week for this…prepping my throat for all these wieners.
CHAD: Ha dude! I’ll bet you have.
SIMON: Shut up Chad…
SIMMONS: And in this corner, we have Mary Ann Belts…an unexpected rival and President of the General Atomics fan club here in the Vault.
MARY ANN: Thank you Mr. Simmons. I’m Mary Ann Belts and I’ve taken some special…training to prepare for this battle. I also wrote a little song (plays ukulele) I wish I was an Atomic Mayer Weiner, that is what I truly wish to be. Cause if I were an Atomic Mayer Weiner, everyone would be in love. Oh everyone would be in love. Everyone would be in love with me.
CHAD: Moose dude…can you hear me? She wants to be a wiener.
MOOSE: I know bro…
SIMMONS: Okay that’s enough. Right…hands behind backs. Mouths at the ready. When I ring the bell begin. (rings bell) Begin!
HUGO: And they’re off! Moose has an early lead. I’ve never seen anything like it. He’s savaging those wieners.
SIMON: Yes, yes…but little Mary Ann seems to be going steadily one after another. Maybe slow and steady could win this race.
MOOSE: More! Give me more! Let’s go!
CHAD: Dude you’re totally wolfing those wieners!
MOOSE: (laughing) Bro shut up…(start choking)
HUGO: Oh…bad break. It looks like Moose is choking up…see what I did there?
SIMON: Yes…while these wieners are quite delicious, they do pack a little dose of residual radiation. That may in fact be taxing Moose’s system at the rate he’s pounding those away.
MARY ANN: More please! My these are delicious!
HUGO: Oh my…what’s happening to her jaw there?
SIMON: It looks like her jaw is distending somehow…
MOOSE: More! Come on! What…what’s she doing?
HUGO: Oh, bad luck for Moose…it looks like the residual radiation from the hot dogs is causing some sort of reptilian mutation.
SIMON: Yes…she appears to be taking on characteristics of the python or boa constrictor…yeah…okay she’s completely unhinged her jaw now and just swallowed 15 at once. Can we get a ruling from the judge?
SIMMONS: I mean…mutation is an expected outcome of radiation exposure. I’ll allow it. 15 seconds left on the clock.
MOOSE: Oh….God…I’m going to be sick.
MARY ANN: I’m…still hungry…
MOOSE: Ah! Someone….hellllpppp
SIMON: And it looks like Mary Ann is attempting to swallow Moose’s head.
HUGO: What in the actual fuck is going on right now…
SIMMONS: And time! (Bell rings). The winner is Mary Ann Belts, who ate a total of 49 wieners plus an additional 34 as she is attempting to swallow Moose. Security, let’s get some RadAway and a tranquilizer gun in here.
CHEERY PATRIOTIC MUSIC STARTS PLAYING.
HUGO: As we tuck into that delicious Patriot’s Picnic, the Vault 76 Players now present a mini radio historical by yours truly, “The Spirits of 1776”. Hugo Warren as Thomas Jefferson. Simon Rex as John Hancock, Chad Johnson as Samuel Adams, Belvedere as Benjamin Franklin, Jacob Hayes as George Washington, Mr. Simmons as John Dickinson and Betsy Wilson as Betsy Ross. We open in the ruins of the Capitol Wasteland as the ghosts of our forefathers teach us the story of America:
JAKE: We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. Why hello there, I’m George Washington.
HUGO: That really is a great sentence isn't it?
JAKE: Why it’s Thomas Jefferson. I bet everyone thought you were pretty great when you wrote that.
CHAD: I’m Samuel Adams and I love beer.
HUGO: CHAD! That’s not your line…you don’t come in until page 2.
CHAD: Right (loudly into mic) My bad Vault fam. Remember…Vault 76 High School football rules!
JAKE: Ahem…so did you think up that sentence all by yourself?
HUGO: No I do not. I was not trying to say anything new. I was expressing the American mindset. But let me take you back to the where it all began.
CLICHÉ FLASHBACK HARP.
JAKE: Where are now?
HUGO: The Second Continental Congress. The year is 1776. For over a year, the members of the Second Continental. Congress watched as the presence of British soldiers in the colonies increased and tensions boiled to a breaking point. Citizens of the colonies began demanding that the delegates discuss the idea of becoming independent of Great Britain.
SIMON: Delegates! Delegates! I am John Hancock. Please be seated.
CLICHÉ WHOOPIE CUSHION NOISE.
CHAD: (Laughs) Classic.
SIMON: Shhh…As President of the Second Continental Congress, I would like to begin today’s proceedings with the topic of declaring independence from Great Britain.
HUGO: Chad…Chad that’s your line.
SIMON: Here here! I agree..
CHAD: Oh right.
CHAD: Can I get another line.
SIMON: We can’t let King George III and the British Parliament continue to limit our rights.
CHAD: Good job dude.
SIMON: These are your lines. You’re Sam Adams!?!
CHAD: Oh I thought I was just supposed to drink beer.
SIMMONS: Boys! Back on script. Think of the consequences, Samuel. Can our country survive if we declare independence? Will we be able to trade with other countries and defend our borders? I, John Dickinson have my doubts!
CHAD: Your name is Dick dude.
SIMON: What would you suggest Mr. Dickinson?
SIMMONS: I propose we continue working with the British government to bring back the “good old days” – the life we had before the French and Indian War, these taxes and the rest of this mess. We can then be at peace once more!
CHAD: Oh. My line? The days of peace are over dude! We have to shoot those tea drinking tools. Our people want it. They read Thom Paine’s Come On Something and are ready to fight….
BELVEDERE: I would like to speak!
HUGO: Ah yes! Our iconic Benjamin Franklin!
BELVEDERE: I agree with Samuel Adams. We have tried to find a peaceful solution. Have you forgotten the Olive Branch Petition, Mr. Dickinson? Have you ever taken an air bath? Every morning I would sit in my open first floor window in the nude.
HUGO: That’s not in the script…
BELVEDERE: Listen closely as I relate to you the time while experimenting with electricity that I tried to electrocute a live turkey and almost killed myself.
SIMMONS: I have not forgotten the Olive Branch Petition. I had to edit that petition before it even left our hands. Jefferson’s language was too harsh.
HUGO: Even after you edited my draft, John, the King refused to accept the Olive Branch Petition. What does that tell you? The “good old days” are over.
JAKE: On June 28, 1776, the Committee of Five submitted the final draft to the Second Continental Congress. On July 2nd, the Continental Congress held a vote and approved the Declaration of Independence. It was released to the colonies on July 4th, 1776 – a day we celebrate as the birth of a new nation. But that nation needed a flag…and so I paid a visit to the home of George Ross to meet his niece Betsy.
BETSY: Why General George Washington!
CHAD: Hey niece. I’m George Ross.
HUGO: Chad! You’re not in this scene.
SIMMONS: Chad get off the mic…
CHAD: Georgie here needed something sewn, and you did such a great job on my underwear that I thought you’d do a great job making a flag.
BESTY: Ah…sure. What can I help you with General Washington?
JAKE: We need a flag to give people a visual symbol of the new, free and independent nation that is being formed. For this reason I’m asking you, if you can sew the first American flag.
CHAD: And can you make me a sandwich babe? I’m starving.
BETSY: Shut up CHAD. I would be honored to sew this flag General Washington. Come back in a few days.
JAKE: And so we did. Betsy altered our original design, making five-pointed stars instead of…
BETSY: Chad, get your hands off my ass!
JAKE: …the four-pointed stars we had drawn. As well as creating a rectangular flag instead of a square one. Red stripes for the blood and sacrifice, and white stripes for love and peace. We returned the next day.
CHAD: Hey can you guys turn up the air conditioning? I’m sweating my balls off in here.
BETSY: Well…General Washington. Here it is!
JAKE: Why it’s perfect. We have our flag at last; symbol of our new country, the United States of America and of the land of the free!
PATRIOTIC MUSIC FADE OUT.
SIMON: This concludes our inaugural broadcast Vault 76 friends, but before we go…we have a big final number.
HUGO: Mary Ann Belts will be singing This Land is Our Land with the Vault 76 Orchestra…
CHAD: Oh she’s still sick and stuff from trying to eat moose. I’ve got this. Hit it fellas…I brought in a special surprise. I found this mini robot prototype hidden in an access panel.
ORCHESTRATION KICKS UP.
CHAD: God bless my underwear, my very last pair, stand beside them, and guide them so they don’t rip or tear…
SIMMONS: Chad! Those aren’t the lyrics! That’s it mister…you can forget that extra credit.
CHAD: Nah nah teacher dude. Hang on…I have some fireworks and stuff. Let me fire up this robot. He says all kinds of patriotic stuff.
SIMON: Should we cut the mic?
SOUNDS OF FIREWORKS AND EXPLOSIONS GOING OFF.
CHAD: Oh…whoops. Every man for themselves.
PRIME: Liberty Prime Prototype is online. All systems nominal.
SIMMONS: Get the fire extinguisher!
PRIME: Mission: the destruction of any and all Chinese communists.
HUGO: What did he just say?
PRIME: Warning. Under attack. Red Chinese menace has infiltrated Vault 76. Initiating assault mode.
SOUNDS OF LIBERTY PRIME FIRING. EXPLOSIONS.
SIMON: Someone shut that down! Call security! He’s going to hit the broadcasting relays.
PRIME: America will never fall to communist invasion.
HUGO: He hit the relays…
SOUNDS OF STATIC. BROADCAST CUTS OUT.
HANDY: We are experiencing technical difficulties. Have a Patriotic Day…and remember…WE Shall Emerge!