CAST & VOICE TALENT

• Dr. Mark Hauswirth ~ Brian, Slick Willy
• Jessica Dickey ~ MaryAnne
• Ray Hauswirth ~ Becky Watts, Cappy
• Logan Hauswirth ~ Timmy
• Alexander Luthor ~ Bottle
• Christian Mower ~ Mr. Lovely, Bruno (Mr. Handy)

WRITTEN BY: George Wolf

 

KEN: This is Kenneth Vigue and we’re back with the first of two minisodes for you! It’s been a long road from Ghoul Scout camp to present for two of our most beloved characters: Brian and MaryAnne and while they may have started out as perhaps two dimensional, the two strangest do-godders in the wasteland have proven themselves not to just be bookish uber virgins, but well and truly capable of facing anything the wasteland has to throw at them. It will be some time yet before they will find themselves trapped in Sanctuary Acres, but in this 2-parter written by our own George Wolf, a trip to yet another carnival ends in terror and a looming choice for Pioneer Scoutmaster Brian. This episode was also produced and edited by Richard Loftus, our newest team members has been instrumental in helping me on the production side of things. Now…rise and shine campers! It’s a beautiful day for grinding merit badges and achievements as you wake to the sound of hammering at the new Ghoul Scout Camp at Spruce Knob, a location that very soon will be claimed by another party completely…

MEDIA: INTRO

SFX: HAMMER POUNDING/ SCRAPING OF ROOF SHINGLES

BRIAN:                  (Singing) Hello Muddah, hello Fadduh,

Here I am at Spruce Knob Campuh!

Camp is very entertaining,

And they say we'll have some fun if they stop nuking.

MARYANNE:      (Hums a happy little tune) Well hey there Brian! Top of the mornin’ to you! Hammering away early I see!

BRIAN:                  Well, hey there MaryAnne! Was hoping to finish the roof on the new Pioneer Scout Quonset Hut before breakfast!

MARYANNE:      (Inhales) And what a morning it is! Just smell that air! Just think! In just a few weeks the newest Pioneer Scout Camp in over twenty years will be open right here!

BRIAN:                  It curls my socks just thinking of it!

MARYANNE:      Yes indeed! It’s a canned coffee, eggs and rash of molerat bacon kind of morning!

BRIAN:                  Oh that sounds just ducky. (Laughs)

SFX: STOVE LIT. PAN CLANKS.

MARYANNE:      Pass me those eggs will yah.

BRIAN:                  Here you go!

MARYANNE:      Thank you! Now…I’ve been doing some thinking.

BRIAN:                  On the Mothman? Yup, yup! Me too. Months of searching and there’s not such must as hide nor dusty wing of him.

MARYANNE:      And Solomon has gone into seclusion…had no idea where his “Mothy Overlord” got off to.

BRIAN:                  Grahm’s vision of something coming up from below does give one uncomfortable back sweat….

SFX: BACON SIZZLING/SPATULA SCRAPING THE PAN

MARYANNE:      Back in the old days, my Gran used to tell me stories of the family farm over in Kanawha County and our ancestor Granny Comstock, but others called her Granny Witch…Witches Creek was named after her.

BRIAN:                  Oh my hairy aunt!

MARYANNE:      Now before you spit and throw salt at me, she had about as much demonic magic in her as I do Buffout or Mentats. What I do know is that she was a daughter of the Earth, knew more about the signs of nature and healing herbs than anybody. She was sharp as a whip, had nothing more than a woman’s intuition…helped the miners in the 1912 strike, predicted floods by doing nothing more than paying attention. My Gram said the women of our family had the gift, but I think she was talking about her moonshine recipes. When bad news was coming, her nose would itch…enough to make you wiggle it.

BRIAN:                  Just a little bit?

MARYANNE:      Quite. Well…my nose has been itching. We’ve been traipsing all over the map for months now with nothing to show for it but sore feet and 2,000 pounds of weapons that would do more damage if you threw them at someone than fire it. There’s no sign of the Mothman or even Grahm. SO…

BRIAN:                  So?

MARYANNE:      So if Gram taught me anything, sometimes you just need to wait for a sign. Until then…I think its time for our young Possum Scouts to earn their Adventure Merit Badge!

BECKY:                  (Yawns) What the...the suns already up? What time is it?

SFX: PICKS UP ALARM CLOCK AND SETS IT DOWN

BECKY:                  (In disbelief) Its...its...8 o’clock!

SFX: STUMBLES OUT OF BED AND QUICKLY PUTS ON HER CLOTHES

BECKY:                  (Holler out the window to the cabin next to her) TIMMY! TIMMY!

TIMMY:                (Moans/Still Dreaming) No Grandma! It wasn’t me who ate out of the litter box it was the dog I swear.

SFX: LITTLE FEET RUNNING THROUGH THE GRAVEL/DOOR SLAMS OPEN

BECKY:                  Timmy, wake up, we overslept!

TIMMY:                I’m sorry Grandma, don’t throw up. I thought it was chocolate you hid, just like at Easter time.

BECKY:                  You’ve got to be kidding me…wake up you idiot!

SFX: PICKS UP OBJECT/THROWS IT/LOUD THUD

TIMMY:                (moans in pain) Oooooh OWWW! Right in my no no square!

BECKY:                  Man up, get your gear on and get moving!

TIMMY:                Wha...whats happening?!

BECKY:                  We slept in sooo late...so unless you want extra chores again, get moving and get out there!

TIMMY:                Aw crap! I’m coming!

SFX: FALLS OUT OF BED/ RUNS ACROSS WOODEN FLOOR. TRIPS. FALLS. LAMP BREAKS.

BECKY:                  Try pulling your pants up BEFORE running numb nuts.

TIMMY:                I’m ok!

SFX: MORE CRASHES.

TIMMY:                Owww…I’m okay.

SFX: RUNS BACK OUTSIDE/POWER SLIDES IN GRAVEL

TIMMY:                (out of breath) Ready.

BECKY:                  (whining) Lets gooooo!

SFX: MULTIPLE FOOTSTEPS RUN OFF IN THE DISTANCE/FADE OUT/FADE BACK IN FOOTSTEPS RUNNING/LEAVES CRUNCH/TWIGS SNAP/ RUNNING COMES TO A STOP.

SFX: BACON SIZZLING/SPATULA SCRAPING PAN

SFX: TAPS SPATULA ON PAN

BRIAN:                  MaryAnne! Breakfast is ready!

MARYANNE:      On my way!

BRIAN:                  (Hums a happy tune) Well, well, well look who finally woke up!

MARYANNE:      Well good morning sleepy heads, it’s about time you woke. Any later and you’d be having lunch instead of breakfast. (giggles)

BRIAN:                  (giggles in agreement)

BECKY:                  Its only eight.....

BRIAN:                  That it is Scout, and daylight is a burning!

BECKY:                  We can explain, it’s just that we...

BRIAN:                  No need to explain Scout.

TIMMY:                Does this mean we get extra chores?

BRIAN:                  No Timmy, no extra chores today!

BECKY:                  Awww come on! This is so unfair! …wait what?

BRIAN:                  Oh, did you want extra chores Miss Becky?

BECKY:                  No! That’s not what I meant! ...but you always give us extra chores when we’re late for our morning ones...what gives?

TIMMY:                She’s right... (gets choked up and increasingly panicked) did we get fired from the scouts? Am I fired from this family? Are you going to leave me for dead in the middle of nowhere like my last one?!

BECKY:                  (crosses fingers and whispers) Please please please please please….

BRIAN:                  (laughs a bit) Why of course not!

TIMMY:                (sighs in relief)

BECKY:                  DAMN IT!

BRIAN:                  Becky language.

BECKY:                  Sorry....

BRIAN:                  No, today Scouts were going to something different. No extra chores, no chores at all actually. In fact, I shut off your alarm clocks while you were sleeping so you could rest a bit more this morning. After all, we have a big day ahead of us!

TIMMY:                (excitedly guesses) So what are we doing today? Collecting fire caps in the forest? Building starter robots at RobCo? Or MABYE...we’re going to cover ourselves in Mirelurk Queen eggs and let Gulpers lick them off of us?!

BECKY:                  What in the fu...

BRIAN:                  Becky Watts!

BECKY:                  I know I know.

BRIAN:                  No, we won’t be doing any of those today Timmy...especially not that last one (laughs nervously). No, today we’re setting out on an adventure, an adventure unlike any you’ve ever experienced before.

TIMMY:                (cheers) Yayyyy!

BECKY:                  Oh great, sounds like another made up merit badge for us to earn.....again.

BRIAN:                  Wrong again scouts. No, there will be NO merit badges sadly. Now, everyone sit down for breakfast. I’ve made my own version of radscorpion omelets for us to try.

MARYANNE:      Mmmmm it smells delicious!

BRIAN:                  Why thank you MaryAnne! Its got tatos, pepper , various spices and of course radscorpion eggs. I threw in some firecaps to give it a bit of a kick. Dig in!

SFX: PLATES AND SILVERWARE CLANKING AND SCRAPING

TIMMY:                MMM this is really good ScoutMaster Brian!

BECKY:                  (mimicking Timmy under her breath) Mmmm this is really good....suck up!

SFX: SCRAPES PLATE/CHEWING

BECKY:                  Oh wow, this IS actually REALLY good!!

BRIAN:                  Well good, I’m glad you like it, now eat up, like a said before we got a big day ahead of us.

TIMMY:                Yeah about that, what are we doing again?

MARYANNE:      Well Timmy we are going to visit a very special place. A place that you might have heard of before....called The Nuka World On Tour....

SFX: DROPS FORK ON PLATE

BECKY:                  What?! As in Nuka World? Are you serious?!

TIMMY:                Uhhh what’s that?

BECKY:                  You’re kidding me right?! Only the coolest thing in the world!  I mean I’ve never been to one, but my parents would tell me stories.  The real NukaWorld Amusement Park is in Massachuesetts. A huge theme park with rides and all the carnival food you could eat! Not to mention every flavor of Nuka Cola you could think of.... it was the greatest place on Earth! That is until the bombs fell. Not sure whatever happened to it. But what’s Nuka World on Tour?

MARYANNE:      Not sure myself Becky. I know the history just like you...then after the bombs, hadn’t heard of anything since. Till I was out the other day doing some trading with some newcomer…called himself a Free Radical. He saw my Nukalele hanging from my backpack and mentioned he saw some others carrying around the same thing. That’s when he told me that overnight someone had just setup an entire amusement area just south of us in the Ash Heap. He didn’t know much about it, or who was behind it, just that it was attracting all sorts of attention from the 76ers. I had my suspicions when he mentioned my Nukalele, so I headed down to take a look for myself.

BECKY:                  What does your little guitar thing have to do with that?

MARYANNE:      It’s a ukelele not a guitar dear. And that’s where it came from after all! My grandfather use to play this uke right there in the original amusement park.

SFX: UNCLIPS FROM BACKPACK /STRUMS A COUPLE UKE CORDS

TIMMY:                The same one?

MARYANNE:      The very same. He worked for the Nuka World Amusement Park. He played in one of their acts at the main park. My mother would tell me stories and eventually passed down his Uke as a gift to me.

SFX: PLAYS A COUPLE MORE UKE CORDS

TIMMY:                That is so cool.

BECKY:                  So wait...they built…some kind of discount store Nuka World here in this wasteland....why? (laughs) That seems like a terrible idea. Only thing worse would be if they decided to build it in the Mire.....(laughs a little bit) could you imagine? Who would build an amusement park on a swamp?! Am I right?!....

MARYANNE:      Yeah that would be strange...but no this seems to just be a traveling group. It’s only a fraction of the size of the actual park. No one knows who set it up.

BECKY:                  How do you know all this?

MARYANNE:      Oh, just from what I observed from afar whenever I checked it out.

BRIAN:                  We’ll have all day to check it out Scouts. Done with breakfast? Good! Leave your dishes…we’ll clean up when we get back. There’s your packs, ready to go. Time to haul boots.

TIMMY/BECKY: (together) YAYYY!!!

MARYANNE:      Off we march! Are you thinking what I am Brian?

BRIAN:                  That all manner of pancrustacean hexapod invertebrates of the class Insecta are just so gosh darned adorable, but they are so small and our lips are just so big?

MARYANNE:      Well….yes…that…but also a confident single file march through Appalachia’s post-apocalyptic hellscape requires a festive and uplifting marching song!

BECKY:                  The funny thing about hurling yourself into a fissure is that it only hurts the first time. Oh, look there’s one!

MARYANNE:      Oh, Becky Watts you precocious Tadpole, you’ll like this one…trust me.

SFX: UKELELE STRUM.

MARAYANNE:   (singing Nuka World Theme)

                                What if there was a place with all the zip of Nuka-Cola?

Wouldn’t that be the cheer-cheer-cheeriest place in all the world?

Take it Brian!

BRIAN:                  Where the rivers’ made of Quantum and the mountaintops are fizz

With fun and games and rides for all the moms and pops and kids

Sing it Becky Watts!

BECKY:                  Well, it turns out there’s a place with all the zip of Nuka-Cola.

Come on down to Nuka-World and see it for yourself!

MARYANNE:      Now Timmy!

TIMMY:                Kiddie Kingdom’s lots of fun for tots like you and me

BRIAN:                  (Deep voice) And Safari Adventure’s full of animals to see

                                (Funny Capt. Cosmos voice) Blast off to Galactic Zone for otherworldly thrills

SLICK WILLY:       Down in Dry Rock Gulch there’s Cola up in them thar hills!

MARYANNE:      Well hey there Mr. Willard!

SLICK WILLY:       Can’t stop now, heard there was a Deathclaw in heat! Gonna make a mint with these pictures! HOOOOO WHEEEEE!

MARYANNE:      Alrighty then!

BECKY:                  Gross.

MARYANNE:      The World of Refreshments the most wonderful place

The friendly streets of Nuka-Town put a smile on your face

EVERYONE (Brian, Becky, Maryanne, Timmy):

Now you know there’s a place that’s just as great as Nuka-Cola

Come on down to Nuka-World and see it for yourself

A vacation that refreshes; a trip you won’t forget

A park with every minimum acceptable safety standard met

(Big Finish) Quench your thirst for adventure at Nuka-World!

MEDIA: TRANSITION SCENE: MUSIC PLAYS

SFX: MULTIPLE FOOTSTEPS WALKING IN STONES/COMES TO A STOP

BECKY:                  (gasps)...there it is!

TIMMY:                Wow its beautiful!...

MARYANNE:      Aww Timmy are you crying?

TIMMY:                Yes Ma’am....yes, I am.

BRIAN:                  Well wipe those tears away Scout. Today is a happy day.! So where to first?

MARYANNE:      Well there’s a coaster up top it looks like and an ol’ Western town, an arcade and the  big top just down from there.

TIMMY:                Oooh an arcade?! Last one there’s a rotten Mirelurk egg!

SFX: RUNS OFF INTO DISTANCE

BECKY:                  Hey! No fair! Wait for me Timmy!

SFX: RUNS OFF INTO DISTANCE

BRIAN:                  (laughs to self) Ah youth!

MARYANNE:      Hey Brian, hold up a sec....

BRIAN:                  Hmm? Something on your mind MaryAnne?

MARYANNE:      Are you ok?

BRIAN:                  Well of course I’m ok, fit as a fiddle! Why do you ask?

MARYANNE:      Well you aren’t acting like yourself.

BRIAN:                  Really? I’m not sure what you mean.

MARYANNE:       Well, you’ve been acting different, usually you’re all about merit badges and teaching valuable life lessons to the kids. I thought for sure you’d turn my suggestion for Nuka World Tour into some kind of learning experience and you haven’t mentioned anything about it at all on the way here. No long-winded speeches on the Jesuitical Heresy, or mating rituals of the majestic Chameleon Deathclaw. I’m not complaining by any means but it just seems out of character for you.

BRIAN:                  Well what’s wrong with having a little mindless fun MaryAnne?

MARYANNE:      Nothing! Nothing at all, but your kind of “fun” usually involves seeing who can identify ten different kinds of vegetation first.

BRIAN:                  Oooh I do enjoy a good vegetation challenge!

MARYANNE:      (hesitantly) Is this about the incident a few months back when you got hurt pretty bad?

BRIAN:                  (denial) I’m not sure what you’re referring to, I can be a bit clumsy and injure myself from time to time.

MARYANNE:      Lest we forget Briognak my dearest.

BRIAN:                  (irritated) I already told you, that wasn’t me. I had no control over....

MARYANNE:      I know, I know....it wasn’t anyone’s fault. It just that...

BRIAN:                  I really don’t want to talk about this MaryAnne.

MARYANNE:      I know but I think you need to. You haven’t been...

BRIAN:                  (denial/brush it off) There’s nothing to talk about. Now come on, let’s go enjoy the festivities with the scouts.

SFX: WALK AWAY TOGETHER IN THE DISTANCE/FADE AWAY/FADE BACK IN

BRIAN:                  Now where did those two get off to?

TIMMY:                (excitedly) Brian! Brian! Brian! Brian! Briiiiiannn!

BRIAN:                  Whoa where’s the fire Timmy? What’s wrong?

TIMMY:                Nothings wrong. Can we to the western shootout?

BRIAN:                  Western shootout?

TIMMY:                (excitedly) Yeah! The guy over there in the cowboy hat said that we get to be robbers and take people’s money...and if we beat the sheriff at the end we get a prize! I saw some people leave with guns! Like an actual real live gun! Isn’t that cool?!

BRIAN:                  So, let me get this straight. You steal money from people?

TIMMY:                Uh huh.

BRIAN:                  Then you beat up an officer of the law?

TIMMY:                Uh huh.

BRIAN:                  And if you do all that you get a gun for a prize?

TIMMY:                Yeah! A REAL GUN!

BRIAN:                  I don’t think so Timmy, how about we try the arcade out instead?

TIMMY:                (feeling defeated) Oh ok....

MARYANNE:      I don’t remember that in the stories my Mom told me. What kind of amusement park is this?

BRIAN:                  Indeed.

BRUNO:               (robotic voice) step right up and see how strong you are...can you defeat the great Bruno? Ha ha ha...doubt it.

BECKY:                  I’ll try.

BRUNO:               You? This is not a Tea Party little girl. Bruno needs real competition, run along now.

BECKY:                  (irritated) I said I’ll play...

BRUNO:               Fine. Easy money for me. Here take this.

SFX: HAMMER FALLS ON GROUND AND THUDS

BRUNO:               Don’t hurt yourself little girl. Nuka World Tour is not responsible for any bodily harm or emotional damage that is caused during your visit. Thank you and have a nice day....

BECKY:                  Stupid robot....I’ll show you.

SFX: GRIPS HAMMER

BECKY:                  (struggles to pick up heavy hammer) tcchhh! Come onnnnn. (exerting yourself) hiii yahhh!

SFX: HAMMER SLAMS DOWN/RISING CARTOON NOISE JUST A LITTLE/ THEN FALLING

SFX CONT: CARTOON NOISE/WHA WHA WHA

BRUNO:               Wow. What a shocker. Better luck next time kid.

BECKY:                  GRRRRRR! Stupid game! Stupid robot!

BRIAN:                  Woah easy there Becky! Why so angry?

BECKY:                  This game is rigged! And the robot keeps insulting me.

BRIAN:                  Oh, I’m sure that’s not the case it’s probably just...

BRUNO:               No she is correct. She stinks and I told her...I call it like I see it.

BRIAN:                  Well, that is very rude Mr. Robot and you owe her an apology.

BRUNO:               My name is Bruno, I do not apologize.

BRIAN:                  (irritated) Well I strongly suggest you do.

BRUNO:               Oh yeah? And if I don’t? What are you going to do pipsqueak?

BRIAN:                  Pipsqueak...well that just tares it!

SFX: OPENS BACKPACK/GAT PLASMS WHIRRS

MARYANNE:      There you go Timmy. Feel better?

TIMMY:                Yeah, thanks Miss MaryAnne, I know I shouldn’t have a real gun but this balloon is pretty great! Plus, the nice robot lady reminded me of my mother.

MARYANNE:      Oh you never told me your mother was French.

TIMMY:                French? I thought she was speaking Spanish!

SFX: GAT PLASMA WHIRRING

MARYANNE:      BRIAN! What are you doing?!

SFX: GAT PLASMA WHIRRS TO A STOP

BRIAN:                  MaryAnne I....

BECKY:                  Brian here was about to give it to this smart-ass robot. Let him have it!

MARYANNE:      Becky language! Young lady you have had quite the potty mouth recently. Keep it up and you’ll be on latrine duty for a month.

BECKY:                  Sorry MaryAnne....

MARYANNE:      Brian is this true?

BRIAN:                  Well you see I...uh...yes.

MARYANNE:      You’re supposed to be the example Brian, what are you teaching the children?

TIMMY:                Oooh you in truh bull!

MARYANNE:      Children wait outside the arcade please...

BECKY:                  Awww but it was just getting good.

MARYANNE:      NOW!

TIMMY:                Yes MaryAnne.

BECKY:                  Yes MaryAnne.

SFX: WALK AWAY IN DIRT

MARYANNE:      Brian, I know you don’t want to talk about things but you need to get a handle on whatever is going on.

BRIAN:                  But he just...its just that...ooh fiddlesticks!

MARYANNE:      Now come on, let’s go try something else, there’s plenty more to do here.

BRIAN:                  (exhales to calm done) You’re right...lets go.

SFX: WALKS AWAY IN DIRT

BRUNO:               That’s right. Walk away. Come back when you actually have some muscle...ha ha ha

MARYANNE:      Excuse me?! Listen here you bucket of bolts! My man has been through a lot lately and I would appreciate it if you kept your demeaning comments to yourself, got that?!

BRUNO:               Gulp. Yes Ma’am!

MARYANNE:      Good. Now...how much to play?

BRUNO:               One cap.

SFX: FLIPS CAP IN AIR TO BRUNO/GAME SOUNDS START/HAMMER SLAMS/BELL DINGS FOR WINNER

MARYANNE:      I’ll take the snow globe please...thank you!

SFX: WALKS AWAY IN DIRT

BRUNO:               Wait. Come back. I think I’m in love.

MARYANNE:      Here you go kiddo.

SFX: TOSSES SNOWGLOBE/CATCHES IT/LIQUID SLOSHES AROUND

BECKY:                  Wow! Thanks, MaryAnne.

MARYANNE:      Of course, sweetie! Now onto the big top...

END OF SCENE/TRANSITION MUSIC

SFX: CIRCUS MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY

CAPPY:                 Come one, come all to the greatest show on earth. Welcome to Nuka World On Tour!

SFX: RECORDED APPLAUSE

BOTTLE:                What’s so great about it Cappy?

CAPPY:                 So many things Bottle, why it’s probably easier to tell you what’s not great about it...which is nothing!

SFX: RECORDED LAUGHTER

CAPPY:                 Test your skill out at our Nuka Arcade.

BECKY:                  Yeah, no thanks.

CAPPY:                 Or maybe you fancy an old-fashioned shootout over at our western event. It’s a rooting tooting good time!

BOTTLE:                Ooh or for those that are looking for something more for the adults they could take a romantic ride through the tunnel of love.

CAPPY:                 Right you are Bottle.

BOTTLE:                Or if their brave enough they could try out our signature Nuka Coaster.

CAPPY:                 Oh…no, no no…better not.

BECKY:                  Why not? Is broke?

BOTTLE:                Oh we’ve been having trouble up there…earthquakes, people screaming….

CAPPY:                 (Quickly jumps in) …of JOY! WHEEEE! (Whispers) No one wants to hear about that Bottle…you’re going to scare away the customers.

BRIAN:                  Earthquakes? This region has been geologically stable for half a century. Have you determined the cause?

MARYANNE:      ….something from below?

BRIAN:                  MaryAnne?

MARYANNE:      My nose is itching…say who set all this up?

BOTTLE:                We’re Nuka World on Tour!

MARYANNE:      Yes, but it wasn’t here…and then it was. And those crafting stations, weapons work benches, ammo crates….what kind of amusement park or carnival has that kind of thing smack dab in the middle of everything?

BOTTLE:                (Awkward laugh) We’re…Nuka World On Tour!

BRIAN:                  I think what my blushing virgin pure companion means is who is in charge around here?

CAPPY:                 We’re…Nuka World On Tour!

BECKY:                  These things suck…clearly you can see they don’t anything.

MARYANNE:      Hmmm…be that as it may. I’m going to have a look around later I think.

CAPPY:                 Don’t forget to check out our concession stands and our Nuka Cola machines. We carry every flavor of Nuka Cola...uhh that’s legally licensed for consumption!

BOTTLE:                Sounds delicious Cappy! But they didn’t come to the Big Top just to hear about everything else in the park.

CAPPY:                 They didn’t?

BOTTLE:                No, they came because this is the place where you can win big!

CAPPY:                 You’re right Bottle, how silly of me. You’re talking about “Spin the Wheel”, aren’t you?

SFX: RECORDED CLAPPING/CHEERING

BOTTLE:                Indeed, I am Cappy. Hey why don’t you explain to our friends the rules before we get started.

CAPPY:                 I’d love to! Hi there folks and welcome to Spin the Wheel!

SFX: RECORDED CLAPPING/CHEERING

CAPPY:                 Now for the rules....

BECKY:                  Ugh can we go?

MARYANNE:      Don’t you want to try the game out Becky?

BECKY:                  Not really, thought they’d have animals in here for us to pet or at least look at, I’m not in the mood for another game.

SFX: STOMACH GROWLS

TIMMY:                Can we get some food Miss MaryAnne? I’m hungry.

MARYANNE:      Brian what do you think?

BRIAN:                  Food sounds like a swell idea Scouts. Right after the game? It’s about to start.

BECKY:                  Fine.

TIMMY:                Ok.

BRIAN:                  Stand back kids, I can make short work of this with my explosive gatling!

MARYANNE:      No Brian! Put that away…they aren’t going to learn anything if we just blast everything for them all the time and they can’t get any hits in.

BRIAN:                  What does it matter? I thought we were just here to have fun?

MARYANNE:      Yes and so are they…

CAPPY:                 And that’s the rules folks, after a player spins, whatever challenge it lands on you must complete. Protect the Cappy and Bottle statues. Survive...I mean...Win three rounds with the statues standing and you get the prize at the end. The more statues standing the better the prize! Are you ready? Great! Now the only thing left to do is SPIN...THE...WHEEL!

BRIAN:                  (laughs a little) This sounds fun, here goes!

SFX: WHEEL SPINS/CLICKING NOISE GETS FAST THEN SLOWS DOWN TO A STOP/TRUMPET SOUNDS.

CAPPY:                 Alright folks, for your first challenge we need your help with some pest control.

BRIAN:                  Pest control?

CAPPY:                 That’s right, seems some unwanted guests have been trying to raid our concession stands for our delicious food and Nuka Cola... and they don’t want to pay. Help us get rid of them so that there’s plenty of fried treats and thirst-quenching Nuka Cola... left for everybody. Here we go...

SFX: BUZZER SOUNDS TO START/WINGS HUMMING/BUG SPITS AND SPLATS

BECKY:                  Oh my God what is this?! Where did all these bugs come from!

TIMMY:                Timmy smash!

SFX: BAT THUDS/BUG SPLATS

MARYANNE:      Good hit Timmy! Oh, this is fun! Why don’t we all use our melee weapons that Brian and I got for you from the camp vendors the other day? Becky, are you carrying that Instigating gulf club I got for you near Whitesprings?

BECKY:                  Oh yeah, I forgot about that.

SFX: SWINGS GOLF CLUB/BUG SPLATS/SCREECHES

BECKY:                  This is so gross...but kind of fun.

MARYANNE:      That’s the spirit! Hiyah!

SFX: THWACK/BUG SPLAT/SWARM OF BUGS COME IN

BRIAN:                  Good effort scouts but let’s pick up the pace a little bit...ok?

TIMMY:                Hey I was going to hit that one!

BRIAN:                  Gotta be quick Timmy! (laughs)

BECKY:                  I’m trying to but there’s too many of them!

BRIAN:                  What did I tell you about getting good Becky Watts? Full follow through on your swing and…

SFX: SPLAT.

MARYANNE:      Brian! Let them get some hits in!

SFX: MORE WHACKING AND BUG SPLATTING/SWARM GROWS LOUDER/ FAILURE NOISE

CAPPY:                 Oh no, there goes one of the statues!

BRIAN:                  Timmy you were supposed to be guarding that one!

TIMMY:                I’m trying Scoutmaster Brian but my arms are getting tired.

BRIAN:                  I can’t hear you over the sound of your whining. Now SWING AWAY!

SFX: FAILURE NOISE AGAIN

BRIAN:                  What in the? That guy isn’t even guarding he’s just standing there staring at The ground! Helllllloooo?!? Sir? Excuse me! It’s like no one’s home.

CAPPY:                 Uh oh. Looks like there’s only one left. Heads up Nuka Fans, if you don’t protect that last one its GAME OVER!

BRIAN:                  Oh dear! I guess I have no choice....no way I’m losing this game!

SFX: GATLING WHIRRS/PLASMA FIRES/MULTIPLE BUG SCREECHES AND INCINERATING

BECKY:                  Brian what are you doing?! You’re getting bug guts everywhere. Ew! It’s in my mouth! Get it out, get it out!

TIMMY:                Hey that’s not fair! I’m not getting any!

BRIAN:                  Watch the spray kids, step back while I handle this!

TIMMY:                Awww I wanted to smash more bugs...

SFX: GATLING CONTINUES/WHIRRS DOWN/BUZZER DINGS

CAPPY:                 Congratulations! You survived the first round of spin the wheel. When ready you’re ready for the next round step right up and SPIN THE WHEEL!

SFX: CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUSES

BRIAN:                  Looks like we made it through round one, great job everyone!

BECKY:                  Can we go now? I’m covered in bug guts and I’m not having fun. This day is the worst!

TIMMY:                Yeah, I’m hungry and not having fun either...but mostly hungry!

MARYANNE:      Sure scouts, let’s go get some food.

BRIAN:                  But the games now over.

MARYANNE:      It is for us Brian. You’ve made it perfectly clear you can win this on your own, you don’t need us.

BRIAN:                  But we’re a team...

MARYANNE:      (snaps) Are we Brian? Because what you just did was not being a team. Whatever this is...you’re just...you’re just...you’re being a real JERK!

BRIAN:                  (gasps) MaryAnne!

MARYANNE:      Well I’m sorry but you are...you know what I’m not sorry! You need to think about some things Mister! Oooh I am so upset with you! Come on kids, Concession stands are up the hill!

SFX: MULTIPLE FOOTSTEPS IN DIRT/FADE AWAY

BRIAN:                  (says to self) Oh Brian you dunce! You really did it this time. Come on Brian you just need to be honest with her. Tell her the truth!

SFX: FOOTSTEPS IN DIRT/WALKS UP HILL/FADE OUT

SFX: CHEWING/SLURPING

TIMMY:                (mouth full) mmmm mmm mmm MaryAnne this is amazing!

SFX: MORE CHEWING/DRINKING THROUGH STRAW

BECKY:                  (mouth full) Mmm yeah...what he said.

MARYANNE:      Well good, I’m glad to see those smiles back on your faces. I’m sorry the day hasn’t been as fun as...

BRIAN:                  (hollers from a distance/interrupting) MaryAnne!

MARYANNE:      (sighs in frustration) Children if you’ll excuse me, I’m going for a walk, I will be back in a few. Enjoy your goodies and don’t talk to strangers.

BECKY:                  Yes MaryAnne.

TIMMY:                Yes Ma’am.

SFX: WALKS AWAY QUICKLY

BRIAN:                  MaryAnne! Hold up! Where are you going?

MARYANNE:      To be ALONE Brian. I am very upset with you! Don’t follow me!

SFX: QUICKLY WALKS AWAY/SQUEAKY WOODEN DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS SHUT

BRIAN:                  Oh dear, well I guess I’ll just stay here till she comes back then.

BECKY:                  What are you doing?

BRIAN:                  Well...I’m leaving her alone like she wanted.

BECKY:                  That’s not what she wants. She wants you to go after her.

BRIAN:                  But she said...

BECKY:                  Yeah I know what she said but that’s not what she actually meant. You don’t know women at all do you?

BRIAN:                  I uh...not so much no, they never taught us in Scouts about them but my Mom said when you love a woman very very much, you’re supposed to put your pollen on her kneecap.

BECKY:                  Ewww what the actual…oh my GOSH, just go after her already!

BRIAN:                  But what about...

BECKY:                  We’ll be fine! Now GO!

BRIAN:                  Ok! I’m going.

SFX: WALKS AWAY/SQUEAKY WOODEN DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS

TIMMY:                SOOO there’s not a merit badge on understanding women?

BECKY:                  Ugh boys! Just shut up and eat your food.

TIMMY:                Ok!

SFX: FLIPPING THROUGH PAGES

TIMMY:                (struggling to read) To...catch...a...cree....tur...ee?

BECKY:                  It’s called; To Catch a Creature

TIMMY:                Why are you reading that?

BECKY:                  None of your beeswax Timmy, just eat your food.

TIMMY:                So where did they go anyway?

BECKY:                  They went into the Tunnel of Love.

TIMMY:                Oooh the Tunnel of Love! Bow chicka wow wow! You think their doing it?

BECKY:                  TIMMY!

TIMMY:                What? I’m not sure what “It” even is. My Dad would always say that when he was talking to his friends around me. He used to do “It”, with a lot of ladies he knew around town. Is it some type of game?

BECKY:                  This isn’t happening...I’m going for a walk.

SFX: WALKS AWAY IN DIRT

TIMMY:                (from a distance) Ok. Can I eat your food?

BECKY:                  Uggghhh! I’m surrounded by idiots!

TIMMY:                (from a distance) Is that a yes?

MEDIA: END SCENE/TRANSITION MUSIC

SFX: WALKING IN DIRT/DRIPPING FROM TUNNEL

BRIAN:                  (calls out/echoes) Hello? MaryAnne?

BRIAN:                  (says to self) I wonder how far this tunnel goes? Wait a minute...is that...organ music?

SFX: WEDDING MUSIC PLAYS ON ORGAN

CAPPY:                 Thank you to the bride and groom for both sharing those beautiful vows.

BOTTLE:                (choked up) So beautiful!

CAPPY:                 Keep it together Bottle. I will now share a few words with the happy couple.

SFX: WALKS ONTO WOODEN BOARDS AND STOPS

BRIAN:                  Wha? Is this a wedding?

MARYANNE:      Shhhh! Sit down!

SFX: SITS DOWN IN CHAIR/CAPPY TALKING IN THE BACKGROUND

BRIAN:                  MaryAnne I...

MARYANNE:      Not now Brian, we’ll talk about this after. Shhh…that Mr. Handy is getting married and promised if I sit through this he’ll get me this adorable little bow.

BRIAN:                  Okay dokie…

1. LOVELY: I have attended this attraction for many years, watching the Tunnel of Love blossom romance among endless couples. And now at last I found MY perfect match! Though we have only known each other for 4 minutes and 25 seconds, I know this is fate. Don't you agree my love? (pause)...she's a bit shy.

BRIAN:                  (yelling) Ummm…excuse me, she is literally a mop and bucket.

MARYANNE:      Hush Brian!

CAPPY:                 ...And so when the cap and bottle become separated for too long, the Nuka Cola loses its flavor and fizz...but when kept together the cap and bottle preserve and protect what is most important. You as the cap...and you as the bottle...may you clasp tightly to each other to preserve your soda....err love for many years to come.

MARYANNE:      (sniff sniff/choked up) That is so beautiful.

CAPPY:                 Mr. Handy you may now kiss the...uh...mop?

1. LOVELY: Her name is Gertrude...

CAPPY:                 Ah yes! You may now kiss Gertrude!

SFX: ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS END OF WEDDING SONG

SFX: CHAIR CREAKS/MARYANNE GETS UP AND WALKS AWAY

BRIAN:                  MaryAnne wait!

SFX: EARTHQUAKE TREMBLES.

BRIAN:                  Seismic activity? What on earth….

MARYANNE:      (has been crying) What Brian?

BRIAN:                  Are you ok? You’re crying.

MARYANNE:      I’m fine…just doing some snooping. Leave me alone…

BRIAN:                  I’m sorry! We can do it again…if it’s so important I’ll let the Scouts take the lead with the…

MARYANNE:      No. That’s NOT it. God for someone so book smart you’re just so…so…incredibly STUPID sometimes.

BRIAN:                  Will you slow down! If you’re not mad about that, what are you mad about? I’m a tad bit lost in the weeds over here.

MARYANNE:      Aren’t you paying attention at what’s going on here? First the Pioneer Scout CAMP is nuked off the landscape to stop a rampaging serial killer, then we get spellbound by some demonic creature at a drive-through after he tricked us into sacrificing you at an arcane pagan ritual…

BRIAN:                  I did find that your traditional period costumes were remarkably accurate…

MARYANNE:      There. Right there. Time warp parades, physics that don’t make sense, monster, aliens and rampaging raiders spraying the landscape in an orgasmic display of overpowered legacy class military grade weaponry…and throughout all of that…you’re THIS. You’re “golly gee” and “well ACKSHULLY it was the Thamnophis melanogaster, but that’s a common misconception”. They aren’t JUST Scouts that we’re out here to teach how to survive and protect…they’re our KIDS Brian…and with all of that going on, aren’t you mad? Aren’t you scared?

BRIAN:                  I….I just…

MARYANNE:      Loving you is like loving someone in a high tower…I can see you, hear you but I’m nowhere near close to the real you and you keep your feeling, any semblance of emotion wayyyyyy far away in a safe place. You didn’t even express anything really until you transformed into Briognak.

BRIAN:                  I’m sorry. Ok? I don’t know what you want.

MARYANNE:      I want you to FEEL something. Because I know you do, because ever since then whenever there’s the slightest bit of danger, you pull out your gatling and spray the landscape. That’s not fighting. That’s not protecting. That’s coping. Not everything needs to be atomized.

BRIAN:                  I just…I...lost control MaryAnne, I’ve never lost control before. I’ve always known what to do. I study, I work hard and I’ve always been good at everything I do. But I...I..I lost control! I LOST! I was supposed to be there for you, BlackSkull was a major threat and I wasn’t there for you. I couldn’t save you...I...I…was just a bumbling idiot that couldn’t protect you! I wasn’t even in control of my own body. I don’t know what I am without control.

MARYANNE:      A human being Brian, like the rest of us. Do you love me?

BRIAN:                  What?

MARYANNE:      Do. You. LOVE. Me?

BRIAN:                  Well of course I do…

MARYANNE:      How?

BRIAN:                  I don’t…

MARYANNE:      How do you show me?

BRIAN:                  I made breakfast…gave you some swell flowers.

MARYANNE:      No, those are expressions OF love, but when you love someone you FEEL love, you shower them with it, you drop down every barrier, get down out of that tower and you drown in it…together. That’s love. Candy cards, flowers and chaste kisses are for high school Brian. We graduated long ago…I want you to feel something, anything, but more important I want to FEEL that you love me, love us and just be human.

BRIAN:                  I don’t know if I know how to do that…

MARYANNE:      Let me know when you’re ready to figure it out…

1. LOVELY: Ahem. Excuse me…I’m sure this is a riveting lover’s quarrel but can you move please? Gertrude and I wish to consummate my marriage in this honeymoon cave.

MARYANNE:      Oh…ummm…

BRIAN:                  Pardon me…Mr. Lovely was it? We’re talking here. Kindly fudge off.

1. LOVELY: Well pardon YOU, but after all this time I’m not waiting another second. You two want to watch, please feel free. I don’t kink shame…oh my dear Gertrude…at long last….

SFX: BUCKY AND MOP FALL TO FLOOR.

1. LOVELY: Oh my dearest! Fear not…I have an attachment for that too….

SFX: SERVO NOISES.

1. LOVELY: Kiss me! Kiss me with your big moppy head!

BRIAN:                  Oh my hairy aunt!

MARYANNE:      Oh…okay…we’ll just go…

1. LOVELY: OH MY DEAREST! YES! YES! I’M GOING TO REBOOT!

SFX: WOOD CRACKS.

1. LOVELY: Gertrude?! Gertrude! NOOOOOOO! OH SUCH CRUEL FATES! YOU HAVE STOLEN HER FROM ME! BROKEN BEFORE ME! I shall never forget you my love! Never! Until the top of the hour when we do this all over again! But until then…I shall never forget you!

MARYANNE:      Well, that was…

BRIAN:                  (giggling to laughter)

MARYANNE:      (laughing)

BRIAN:                  (laughter slowly fading) MaryAnne look...I just…

SFX: RUNNING

TIMMY:                (out of breath) Scoutmaster Brian! Scoutmaster MaryAnne! Hurry! Hurry!

MARYANNE:      What’s wrong Timmy?

TIMMY:                (out of breath) It’s Becky! She…we went up to the coaster…something awful…the ground caved in…and she fell! She fell down in!

MARYANNE:      Come on! Hurry!

SFX: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS BEGIN TO ECHOE AS THEY WALK DOWN THE TUNNEL/SOUND FADES

MEDIA: OUTRO MUSIC