CAST & VOICE TALENT

• Kenneth Vigue ~ Narrator
• Dr. Mark Hauswirth ~ Brian
• Jessica Dickey ~ MaryAnne Belts
• Sophia Hauswirth ~ Becky Watts
• Logan Hauswirth ~ Timmy
• Robert Solomon ~ Tristan (High Priest Solomon in Disguise)
• Kieren Hay ~ Fraser the Scottish Squirrel

WRITTEN BY: George Wolf

KEN: This is Kenneth Vigue and I want to wish you a belated Happy New Year! Firstly, I want to thank all of you who tuned in for our Fallout For Hope back in December and were with us on that journey raising over $170,000 for St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. To date, the Fallout for Hope initiative we started has raised over $310,000 for charity, something above all else I am immensely proud of. I hope all of you have been well, and I also wanted to share that we’ve launched a standalone Discord for this podcast in which you can come talk to the cast and crew, stay up to date on casting calls, share your videos, art and interests and more. I always enjoy talking to you all and make it a point to answer every message you send me. I’ve dropped the link in the show notes and I’d love to see you come say hello. These past few months we’ve been extremely busy planning the second half of season 2, which is now being recorded as we speak. Our next full episode will be dropping in a few weeks, “Beer, Bros and Brahmin Riding”, but until then we have a new minisode that is part of a series written by our own George Wolf, and edited and produced by Christian Mower. We’ll be catching back up with Brian and MaryAnne to see what they’ve been up after taking to the stage with Lord Alastair Olivier. We’re headed into the woods for some Pioneer Scout Adventures, as they take Becky and another young Ghoul Scout Timmy to get their Meditation and Recreational Bloodletting Merit Badge. As usual, things get out of hand. Listen now to The Continuing Misadventures of Brian and MaryAnne.

MEDIA: INTRO

SCENE 1: EXT. CAMP ADAMS. DAY.

SFX: CRUNCHING LEAVES. NATURE SOUNDS.

MARYANN:         (singing) We’re hunting bugs

we’re hunting bugs

 out here in Appa-la-chia there are spiders, ants, and slugs!

We’ll collect em all

the big and small

What’s fun for one is fun for all!

We’re hunting bugs

Bugs of all kinds

Some come out at night

But they’re cool at all times!

BECKY:                  No they’re not. The bugs out here suck!

MARYANN:         Buck up Becky! With that kind of attitude, you’ll never make Possum! Now let’s pick up the pace campers! Scoutmaster Brian has a special activity for us today.

BECKY:                  (Sarcastic) Oh great.

TIMMY:                What kind of activities Miss MaryAnn?

MARYANN:         Well it’s a surprise Timmy, you’ll just have to wait and find out now won’t you? (giggles softly)

BECKY:                  Don’t get too excited Timmy, it’s probably just another stupid chore for us to do so the adults don’t have to do work. They’ll even make up some badge at the end of it to make you feel like you did something important.

TIMMY:                Like what? What are they going to have us do?

BECKY:                  I told you already something stupid! Like one time they had me pick up sticks for the fire we were making. They said I couldn’t use any of the LITERAL PILES OF WOOD EVERYWHERE around camp and the stack of lumber out back. I had to go get fetch these stupid little dry ones for the fire, while being swarmed by ticks, ants and radroaches while THEY just hung out by the fire eating S’mores! So then after that ordeal I had to go find someone’s trash who went missing.  You know what I got?

TIMMY:                What?

BECKY:                  More bugs attacking me! What was so important about building a fire anyway?! We had a generator nearby from one of our scavenger trips, why couldn’t we just use that instead for warmth? Better yet a flippin’ flamethrower.

TIMMY:                Well why didn’t you?

BECKY:                  Brian said that flamethrower I found that blew stuff up was legacy and I’m a naughty sausage for even using it. Then MaryAnn was going on something about the fumes from the generator being harmful to breath in and bad for the environment. (scoffs) Like that really matters anymore, after spending days in the ash heap “identifying different rocks and ore” I'm pretty sure I already had sludge lung by that point.

TIMMY:                Or you could just sleep with a gas mask on. My Dad use to give me one to wear, I like the way my breathing sounded inside of it. He liked that it muffled my voice and he couldn’t hear me. It made me sound like that pawn shop lady Mama Murmurgh.

BECKY:                  (Imitates mumbles) Sure I’ll take your junk but you’ll have to spin the wheel of RNG! Want a good weapon? Here’s a rolling pin you little bitch (Does impression of Darth Vadar noise) ohhhhh kkkk....

SFX: SPRING TRIPS. NET SWINGS UP.

BECKY:                  (Screams) What is this??? Get me down!

BRIAN:                  (Tuts) Becky Watts! And just like that you’re a Supermutant dinner, caught by a very obvious Endorian Net Trap. What have I told you about being aware of your surroundings?

MARYANNE:      Well hey there two top buttons unbuttoned showing a little sultry gleaming chest hair Scoutmaster Brian.

BRIAN:                  Well hey there uhhh knee high itchy wool stocking dressy skirt thing MaryAnne!

BECKY:                  GET ME OUT OF HERE!

BRIAN:                  And what do you have to say little lady?

BECKY:                  NOW!

BRIAN:                  Okie dokie!

SFX: AX CHOP. NET FALLS. BODY THUD.

BECKY:                  OWWW!

BRIAN:                  (Sternly) ten hut! Listen up scouts today we will be!.....(starts laughing to himself) Oh my lord I couldn’t keep a straight face doing that. I don’t know how people can be such a grumpy gus like that all the time. (chuckles)

MARYANN:         (Giggles) Oh Brian you’re such a card! You almost sounded like a Mr.Gutsy there for a minute. If this whole scout thing doesn’t work out it would be super neat if we did voices for radio! Maybe do a craft show?

BRIAN:                  That would be neat.

MARYANN:         Yeah. Fun times.

BRIAN:                  Fun times.

BECKY:                  Uh so what are we doing exactly?? (smartly) Earning a derivative comedy badge today?

BRIAN:                  Hmm that’s a good idea for a new badge but no. Today we will be learning about foraging. What’s ok and not ok to eat when you’re out in the wilderness. (Timmy raises hand)

BRIAN:                  Yes Timmy?

TIMMY:                What are mating calls used for?

BRIAN:                  Uh.. I’m sorry?

TIMMY:                Mating Calls. I heard my Dad making weird noises one time with a “lady friend” of his and when I asked what he was doing he said making mating calls. He wouldn’t tell me what it meant but said I’d learn all about it at camp. I didn’t even know I was going to camp till he dropped me off here the next day. That was 4 months ago…

MARYANN:         Yes we were quite surprised to find you standing out along the road all by your lonesome. We didn’t even have a chance to chat with your father…

TIMMY:                So what are mating calls anyway?

BRIAN:                  An excellent question! Which will be addressed with a future merit badge when we go deep into the cranberry bog where I show you with brahmin stomach lining and a Fasnacht mask you too can feritilize a mirelurk and fill your very own fish tank with swell little Lake Monkeys! For now, though, let’s get some of Mary Ann’s yummy cooking in our belly’s and then we’ll head out for our Foraging merit badge!

SFX: CLAP.

MARYANN:         Alright! Who wants breakfast! Mirelurk Eggs and awesome possum bacon!

TIMMY:                That sounds delicious!

MARYANN:         Great! Let’s wash our hands because….

BECKY:                  Cleanliness is next to godliness…

TIMMY:                Cleanliness is next to godliness…

MARYANN:         You bet your boots it is! Then we’ll gather in the mess hall!

BECKY:                  First thing that’s sounded like a good idea all morning.

SCENE 2: EXT. FOREST. DAY.

SFX: CRUNCHING LEAVES. NATURE SOUNDS.

TIMMY:                Wow the forest is so beautiful! So many colors!

BRIAN:                  It sure is Timmy during the fall or autumn as some people refer to it, the leaves change colors. Mind you, since the world ended in post apocalyptic horror and global weather patterns have been thrown off kilter, technically it should be winter and...

TIMMY:                Yeah! I haven’t seen this many colors since my Dad gave me Nukashine and told me to get lost…and then I did! I found my way back though. It was my favorite game we did every day!

MARYANN:         Oh dear... I uh

BRIAN:                  (clears throat) Right, well lookie there! Right in front of your feet Becky!

BECKY:                  It’s a flower, so what?

BRIAN:                  That’s not just any flower Becky, that specific flower is a soot flower it…

TIMMY:                (chewing loudly/says with mouthful) Mr. Brian sir...I found these berries, but I can’t identify them in the field guide…

BRIAN:                  Oh dear, those are not berries there my young scout. That is radstag scat, Please spit those out...

MARYANN:         Oh my I might lose my possum bacon (heaves a little).

BRIAN:                  My my you are an unpredictable little guy aren’t you, Timmy?

TIMMY:                I guess I am. That’s a good thing, right? Keeps things fun! This one time my Dad took his lady friend for a walk at night so I snuck out and thought it would be funny to roll a marble at this Corvega they were walking near and sure enough one tiny tap and the whole car went BOOOOMMMM. Daddy didn’t think it was too funny so I was down in the hole for a few weeks.

BRIAN:                  Okay well…(chuckles) yeah. Now go wash your mouth out in the creek.

BECKY:                  What exactly are we supposed to be accomplishing out here?

MARYANNE:      Well Scout Becky, one of the first rules of foraging is one simple rule: if you can’t find it on the ground, take a tranq and look around!

BRIAN:                  Oh, MaryAnne that was a nifty little rhyme…

MARYANNE:      Yeah you like that don’t you?

BRIAN:                  Oh, I sure do…you make laces want to double knot…

BECKY:                  ANYWAY…

BRIAN:                  What blushing uber virgin MaryAnne means is that when plantlife isn’t safe for consumption, our friend the tranquilizer gun is a safe and gentle way to paralyze small woodland creatures before quickly and painlessly piercing the heart and cooking up an irradiated but crunchy munchy meal!

MARYANNE:      Here you go Becky, one tranquilizer. Now load one of your cartridges like I showed you and let’s see you chase down a little tamiasciurus hudsonicus or more colloquially, the West Virginia red squirrel.  Did you know that there are three tree squirrel species commonly found in Appalachia: the red squirrel (Tamiasciurus hudsonicus), eastern gray squirrel (Sciurus carolinensis) and eastern fox squirrel (Sciurus niger). Of these, the eastern gray squirrel and eastern fox squirrel are common small game species found throughout the state. But the more recent introduction of localized radiation means that…

BECKY:                  I’ve got this.

SFX: Dart gun noise. Squirrel squeaks angrily.

MARYANNE:      A perfect shot Becky Watts!

BRIAN:                  Agreed! Top marks! Glad to see that marksmanship merit badge is paying off. Now, let’s use our Pioneer Scout penknives and gently insert the blade into its 4 chambered heart (chuckles) Oh my! I feel so primitive with the heady bloodlust.

MARYANNE:      Well you know what they say about us mammals Scoutmaster Brian…

SQURRIEL:           OI! Git this bloody bit out of my arse!

BRIAN:                  Ummm…

SQUIRREL:           Yeah! You cockwombling git! You heard me!

TIMMY:                I’m back…I think that water was heavily irradiated…my tongue is glowing….see?

SQUIRREL:           Bloody marvelous you plonker! Chivvy along and git this out of me!

BECKY:                  Oops…I think I used the wrong dart.

BRIAN:                  What on earth? Where did you find this?

BECKY:                  It was in that weird place we were in last week when we were doing the Urban Exploration Photography merit badge.

SQUIRREL:           Well aren’t you bright as a button.

MARYANNE:      Well isn’t this the bees knees! A talking squirrel! This is an amazing opportunity for us for the first time to learn about the secrets of nature and the magical world of the majestic tree squirrel!

SQUIRREL:           Fuck off you daft cow!

MARYANNE:      Now Mr. Squirrel, that’s no way to talk to a lady.

SQUIRREL:           Oh! Beggin’ your pardon misses I meant no harm, I was just strolling along minding my business, going on a merry adventure off to spend a penny when all of a sudden someone shoots a dart just south of my John Thomas!

BECKY:                  What does that even mean?

BRIAN:                  Hmmm…it seems this dart may have been set on Traditional Chav

TIMMY:                He taught me how to pick pocket!

MARYANNE:      Chav dear, not Chad…it means a young British person prone to aggressively loutish behavior prone to wearing recreational sportswear.

SQUIRREL:           Do I look like I wear sweatpants you flippin’ muppet?

BRIAN:                  Oh my! Such language! Here…let’s just get this out of you so you can be on your foul-mouthed way.

SQUIRREL:           Cheers bellend! Now bugger off!

MARYANNE:      Okie dokie! My this is such a marvelous morning filled with possibilities!

SCENE 3: EXT. FOREST. DAY.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL

BECKY:                  (whining) How much further?!

BRIAN:                  To be honest with you dear I don’t know.

BECKY:                  What?! What do you mean you don’t know? You always know?!

BRIAN:                  I know right?! Mary Anne is an expert at foraging so she’s taking point in this excursion today. How much further Mary Ann?

MARYANN:         Actually…we’re here!

BECKY:                  Wow!!! What is this place!

BRIAN:                  Well from my research of this area, this must be…

MARYANN:         Yep! The Palace of the Winding Path. Truth is scout’s, we could search Appalachia all day and still not find all the vegetation or non life threatening hunting this majestic land has to offer. But with the help of a friend who is an expert in foraging we’ll be able to see it all in one day.

BRIAN:                  Oh well MaryAnn I’m quite flattered that you would want me to…

MARYANN:         Everyone say hello to Tristan!

BECKY:                  (Monotone) Hello Tristan.

TIMMY:                Hi Mr. Tristan.

BECKY:                  Wait a minute, you’re that creepy Mothman priest Solomon!

TRISTAN:             Uhhh…no I’m not.

BECKY:                  Yeah you are! You’re just wearing a fake beard!

TRISTAN:             You must be mistaken…my name is Christian.

BECKY:                  She said your name was Tristan.

TRISTAN:             That’s what I said.

MARYANN:         Tristan and I both share a love for music and the beauty of nature. That’s what makes us Such good friends!

BRIAN:                  (scoffs) Good friends huh? I mean his beard is asymmetrical if you’re into kind of thing…

MARYANN:         Is something wrong Brian?

BECKY:                  Yeah Brian...you look a little green…

TIMMY:                Ooh that happened to me once! My Dad gave me a map with a big circle around Westek with drawings of candy, chocolates on it and a company and said don’t EVER go to Westek and drink the delicious green fruit drink. I should have listened to him because of all of a sudden there was Supermutant everywhere and it was like GRRRRRR! And I was like AHHHHHH! And then I drank some of the green juice and when it came out the  other end, well there was more goo piles than a gat plasma!

MARYANNE:      Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

BRIAN:                  (hesitantly) Thank you for oversharing that Timmy and now that you have your knot tying merit badge secured we’ll work on your Proper Talking Topics for Tint Tots badge  …and (contempt) No MaryAnn I’m just nifty.

MARYANN:         Alrighty then…Tristan do you want to walk us through what we’ll be doing today?

TRISTAN:              Absolutely MaryAnn, it would be my pleasure. Greetings little ones and welcome to the palace. A place if learning and communing with the energy of Appalachia. Today I will be taking you on a journey, one of discovery and enlightenment…and perhaps…just perhaps (ominously) you’ll consider becoming one with us bound in dust and darkness…

BRIAN:                  (mutters) …oh please.

TRISTAN:             Is everything ok over there Brandon? I’m sensing a disturbance in your aura, a lot of negative energy surrounding you.

BRIAN:                  Excuse me it’s BRIAN and I am just fine thank you. Please continue with the “journey”.

TRISTAN:             As you wish. It has been said that the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. So let us take our first step today. Follow me into the palace’s main hall. I have tables and a cooking station set up for us.

SFX: Walking down steps.

TIMMY:                What is this place Mr. Tristan?

TRISTAN:              Excellent question! It is a place of learning and growth. A spiritual retreat from the harsh nuclear wastelands of Appalachia.

BECKY:                  It looks a lot different than any buildings I’ve seen around here.

TRISTAN:              Yes quite. The architecture is of Indian and Nepalese descent, akin to traditional Buddhist temple.

BRIAN:                  (interrupting) Buddhist temple. It was founded by new age spiritualist Cyrus around a belief system build around the concept of self-enlightenment, spirituality…

TRISTAN:             (interrupting) …and willpower, yes.

BECKY:                  My Daddy said this a place run by some con man named Simon.

TIMMY:                Oh he’s an asshole….Chad said…

MARYANNE:      Language! Not that Simon.

TRISTAN:             Yes, well now this place serves new brilliant purpose…

BRIAN:                  Well I think this place is a dump.

MARYANNE:      Brian!

TRISTAN:             It’s ok MaryAnn. Not everyone has the capacity to see beyond what is. Following the Great War the disciples of Cyrus flourished quite well building alliances with local raiders called the Diehards before mysteriously disappearing one evening. It was deserted place long ago, but now myself, some acolytes and our…benefactor are trying to restore it to its original glory. Though it has its troubled past I hope for a brighter future.

MARYANN:         Is it just you here now?

TRISTAN:             Just me and of course my dear partner Rhoda

MARYANN:         Partner? Rhoda?

SFX: (Loud toad croak)

BECKY:                  (screams) Eeeeeeeek! Get it away from me!

TIMMY:                Wow she’s pretty, she reminds me of my mother.

TRISTAN:             This is Rhoda, short for rhododendron. She’s my radtoad and she’s been with me since she was an egg.

SFX: SLURPING NOISE.

TRISTAN:             Rhoda! You spit out that girl right now! You don’t know where she’s been.

SFX: VOMIT NOISE.

BECKY:                  OH MY GOD I’M COVERED WITH GOO!

TIMMY:                Can I pet her?!

TRISTAN:             Yes but only on her head. Stay away from her lower back. She secrets a chemical there that is very potent and has hallucinogenic effects

SFX: CROAKING AND PURRING.

TIMMY:                Aww she likes me!

BECKY:                  That green bitch tried to eat me!

TRISTAN:             No accounting for taste.

SFX: Slimy Eggs Fall On Ground, Plop Plop

BECKY:                  Gross! What are those?!

TRISTAN:              Those are her eggs, ah the beauty of creation.

TIMMY:                Oh shit, am I Dad now? I don’t even have a house…

BRIAN:                  TIMMY! Language! And no Timmy you are not. Can we please get to today’s lesson?

MARYANNE:      Brian! You’re being a rude Randy today!

TRISTAN:             Quite the eager beaver aren’t we Brian?

BRIAN:                  Oh, I can assure you that I am well versed in the local vegetation of Appalachia. But MaryAnn has decided to enlist your help for some reason.

TRISTAN:             Who knows you might learn a thing or two today Brian…at the very least I can promise you, you will be schooled.

BRIAN:                  Hmph! Doubtful but you may try.

TRISTAN:             If course, this way children, to the main hall.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS ON ECHOING STONE.

MARYANN:         Follow Mr. Tristan Scouts! Scoutmaster Brian hold on just a minute, we need to have a little chat.

BRIAN:                  Of course what’s on your mind MaryAnn?

MARYANN:         I don’t appreciate you talking the way you did to Tristan. He is a very kind man and agreed to help us today. Why are you being so rude?

BRIAN:                  Me? Rude? Well he was…

MARYANN:         Brian you know what you were doing. I don’t know what’s gotten into but I hope it doesn’t stay. I find you fetching and believe our traditional Edwardian courtship rituals are proceeding nicely, but I will not standby while you exhibit such boorish and unsavory behavior and in front of the children no less.

SFX: STOMPS OFF

BRIAN:                  But I, I! Well…hey Mary Ann! Wait up!

SCENE 4: INT. PALACE OF THE WINDING PATH. DAY.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL

BECKY:                  (whining) Are we done yet? It’s been almost two hours, he’s talked nonstop about these stupid plants! And what was all that glassy eyed rambling about light bulbs about?

TIMMY:                My brain hurts.

BRIAN:                  I’ll admit he knows his stuff about Appalachia’s vegetation...but chakra,chi and auras? Maybe he should just eat the plants instead of igniting and inhaling their vapors like Chad’s gang is prone to do.

BECKY:                  (giggles) Good one Brian!

BRIAN:                  (giggles) Thanks!

BECKY:                  (says to self) Why am I laughing at his jokes now? What is happening?!

TRISTAN:             Now before we start the second part of the tour let us briefly pause for some nourishment. I have prepared a table of all natural, preservative free refreshments that are located right behind you on the table. Please help yourselves.

TIMMY:                (confused) Uh what?

BECKY:                  He means snacks!

TIMMY:                Do you have pizza in a can?

TRISTAN:             I’m sorry?

TIMMY:                Pizza. You know. In a can.

TRISTAN:             No. We don’t have pizza.

TIMMY:                But you grow tomatoes right?

TRISTAN:             Yes….

TIMMY:                And have flour and cheese from the Brahmin right?

TRISTAN:             Yes…

TIMMY:                Why don’t you make pizza?

TRISTAN:             Look kid…just eat the snacks…

SFX: RUNNING. MUNCHING AND EATING SOUNDS.

TIMMY:                This brownie makes my teeth hurt.

SFX: CRUNCHING AND POPPING

TRISTAN:             Ah yes! Those are Razorgrain Radbars.

BRIAN:                  (skeptical) “Radbars” You put radiation in your cooking? Seems a little unsafe..

TRISTAN:             Of course not. My Razorgrain Radbars are made from Razorgrain, dogwood bark, snaptails and firecrackberries. “Rad” is just a term used, I guess your equivalent of the word (mockingly) “Neato”.

BRIAN:                  Humph! Well I’ve never heard of such a word. Hopefully they taste better than they sound.

TIMMY:                (food in his mouth) mmmm they are! Like an explosion in your mouth.

SFX: LOUD POP. TEETH FALL ON FLOOR.

BECKY:                  Timmy your Teeth!

TIMMY:                It’s okay. They always do that. My Dad says they always grow back.

MARYANNE:      Well they all look so delicious! Oooh what are these delectable delights?!

TRISTAN:             Ah those right there are very special to me. I call them my MaryAnn Moon Pies because they are meant for us to dream of something more beautiful. (provocatively) They are quite...delectable.

MARYANN:         (giggles) Oh my, I’m sure they are. (continues to giggle)

BRIAN:                  Step aside you robbed hussy. Hmph! I’ll be the judge of that!

TRISTAN:             Oh hold on Brian, I wouldn’t....

SFX: SOFT CHEWING.

BRIAN:                  Hmmm there not that bad...i guess...I’ve had better though.

MARYANNE:      Brian! What’s got into you?

TRISTAN:             Its ok MaryAnn, no harm done. Brian Just needs to open his mind to different experiences. He’ll do that soon enough.

BRIAN:                  I am open minded thank you very much! All I’m saying is...woooooaaaahhh.

BECKY:                  Uh Brian?....

TIMMY:                Wow, Mr. Brian, your eyes are really big. Hehe You look like the Mothman from my comic books. Coooool!

BRIAN:                  I can see flavors and taste colors! Wowwwww!

MARYANN:         Um Tristan what is going on?

TRISTAN:              Mmmm I was trying to warn him about those before he tried it. Those are my special treats that I make to clear my mind and align it with my soul. The MaryAnn Moon Pies are made from starlight flour, snaptails and mutfruit...

MARYANN:         Well, that doesn’t sound so bad.

TRISTAN:              I then glaze them with a mixture of crushed Kaleidoscope flower, snallygaster saliva and Rhodas own secretions.

MARYANN:         Oh my!....

TRISTAN:              Mmmm yes. Its highly hallucinogenic.

MARYANN:         Whats going to happen to him?

TRISTAN:              He’s going on a little journey, I myself have been on this journey, though I only ate half of a moon pie before. I woke up naked in a bathtub full of soap somewhere in the forest.

MARYANN:         But Brian ate the whole thing!

TRISTAN:              Yes, indeed he did. More’s the pity.

TIMMY:                Ummm…what’s happening to him? His socks are rolling down…

BECKY:                  His jawline is changing….I’m scared!

BRIAN:                  I feel funny….whewwww! Is it getting hot in here… (deeper voice) or is it just you MaryAnn?! Lo, I shall claim you as my bride for all time! You shall want for nothing! (normal voice) Oh my gosh! Why am I saying these thing? (deeper voice) Silence simpering fool!

TIMMY:                (laughing) This is awesome!

BRIAN:                  (normal voice) my….shirt and pants are getting tighter…this is…what is this?

SFX: CLOTHES TEAR.

BECKY:                  Ewww! Timmy cover your eyes!

TIMMY:                Scoutmaster Brian is ripped! He looks just like…

MARYANNE:      Oh my goodness! Children look away! Brian you stop that growing right now!

BRIAN:                  (in a deeper voice) Brian? Who is this Brian you speak of? I am not he for I am Grognak! Defender of Appalachia! Vanquisher of the Virgin Eater! Ahhh!

SFX: UNZIPS BACKPACK AND PULLS OUT AN AX SWINGING IT AROUND

BRIAN:                  GRELOK! YOU EVIL SORCEROR! WHAT TRICKERY IS THIS! STAND ASIDE PETITE BOSOMED VIRGIN! GROGNAK SHALL PROTECT YOU!

MARYANN:         Brian...put the axe down...

BRAIN:                  Again woman, you call me Brian? Is he your mate? No doubt the Bat Babies are behind this. They seek to lure me into a trap. Fear not woman, I will find your mate! Whether he be on the highest mountain or in the darkest cavern, no mutant shall keep him from thee. Trap me they shall not! Defeat me they...shall....not. FOR I...AM....GROGNAK!!!

SFX: AXE SWING. WINDOW SMASH.

MARYANNE:      Brian! Come back! Where is he going?

TRISTAN:             It seems that Brian’s conciousness is trying to connect with a version of his inner child. Most interesting…

MARYANNE:      What do we do?! We need to help him!

TRISTAN:             There is nothing we can do for him. This is his journey he must take. It is for him alone to decide the outcome.

MARYANNE:       What are you talking about?!

TRISTAN:             Brian has had much inner turmoil in his life. He is facing a battle now within himself. A conflict between what he believes to be right in his mind and what he feels is right in his heart. He must now align the two, to harmonize.

MARYANNE:      And if he doesn’t?!

TRISTAN:             Then he will surely go mad.

MARYANNE:      WHAT?! You and your stupid baked goods! I should have never gone along with your hippie dippie bullshit!

BECKY:                  MaryAnn!

TRISTAN:              Oh my!

MARYANNE:      Zip it kids. Let’s go! We’re going back to camp!

BECKY:                  What’s got into you?

MARYANNE:      My man’s on some kind of existential bender. And I am going to save him.

TIMMY:                What’s the plan? What are we going to do about Brian?

MARYANNE:      WE aren’t going to do anything sweetie. I want you and Timmy to head back to CAMP and look after the campsite until I get back. I am going to find Brian. There is plenty of canned meat and vegetables there and I except you to make your dinner with the four food groups. I will be back. Becky, you’re in charge.

BECKY:                  (fervently) Got it!

MARYANNE:      Timmy, no matches or sharp things.

TIMMY:                (sadly) oh....ok.

SFX: PORTAL OPENS AS SCRAP KIT IS OPENED.

MARYANNE:      Let’s go…into the Scrap Kit. I’m sending you back to CAMP.

TIMMY:                Oh boy! Fast travel slide! WHeeeeeeeeee

BECKY:                  I hate this thing. It makes me want to hurl.

SFX: PORTAL CLOSES. TIN CLATTERS TO GROUND.

MARYANNE:      Hang on Brian...

SFX: GUN LOADED

MARYANNE:      The Queen of Corsairs is coming!

MEDIA: OUTRO