CAST & VOICE TALENT

• Kenneth Vigue ~ Narrator
• Clint Winberry ~ Moose/Complainer
• Christian Mower ~ Punch/Mr. Handy/Night Wolf
• Jessica Duval ~ Betsy
• Jessica Dickey ~ Patsy
• Fenwa Teryen ~ Charles Bishop
• Dr. Mark Hauswirth ~ “Slick” Willy

WRITTEN BY: CLINT WINBERRY

KEN:                      This is Kenneth Vigue and my favorite time of year approaches. We are working right now on an epic feature length Halloween episode with a stunning orchestral score. It will see the return of everyone’s favorite villain that we get inquires about all the time: Mr. Dark. Andreas Somville will return for another romp through nightmares as a mysterious drive-in materializes from fog and mist. The ticket for entry is free, but the cost to leave…well that’s another story. Before then we have a minisode written by our own Clint Winberry that shares a little of what Chad’s gang have been up too while he goes on a quest to save Susie. We hope you brought clean and comfortable shoes and have decent AP regen. We invite you to lace up, start chugging for a tale he calls, “The Great Beer Run”.

THEME SONG.

SCENE #1: INT. RUSTIC PRICK

SFX: SWEEPING AND CRASHING. PICKING UP THINGS.

PUNCH:                (Grunting - louder grunting) Urgggggh!

MOOSE:               Punch! Be careful dude we don’t have the caps to buy atoms to replace those tables yet man. There’s a nice set of pool side gear I wanna get that should go on clearance now that it’s fall.

PUNCH                 Sorry Moose, Punch no like broom, Punch want make brew.

MOOSE:               We have enough beer, that we still have to sell. I thought our commercial would do the trick. Maybe we need to call that dweeb Amata and see if she will let us sell it at her diner place. Probably get all sorts of suckers to buy them.

PUNCH:                Maybe we have a brew chug chug contest and see which puny human becomes meat bag first (laughs)

MOOSE:               That’s not a bad idea, dude loser get a free supply of beer, winner gets one too! But we’ll keep their junk…which is like…worth more than what it costs us to make this slop.

SFX: DOOR OPENS/CLOSES.

BETSY:                   Uh hello, are y’all open? I could use a drink…

MOOSE:               Betsy! Well of course were open.

BETSY:                   Moose? Is this your place?

MOOSE:               Well really its our place. Let me pour you a tall pint of the house special: Moose Punch Ale! Punch get behind the bar dude.

BETSY:                   OH MY GOD! KILL IT WITH FIRE!

MOOSE:               No no dude! He’s cool. He’s like…mostly safe and stuff.

BETSY:                   Umm…okay  . Sorry. I’ve had a bit of a rough time these past few years with Supermutants. No offense. You know what? Give me a double shot of…

PUNCH:                Up order!

SFX: MUG SLIDES ACROSS COUNTER. SLIDES OFF. SMASHES AND EXPLODES IN FIRE.

BETSY:                   Ahhh…is it supposed to catch fire?

MOOSE:               Yeah sometimes…tastes great though. Give her another Punch. Maybe just hand it to her this time bro.

PUNCH:                Stupid meatbag. Here go. Don’t drop. Drink fast before big boom.

BETSY:                   (Awkward laugh) tell you what how about just some water? I’m afraid this won’t agree with me. (Pushes pint away as it sparks). Do -  you    have  -  any   -  water?  (Talking to Punch like he’s dumb)

PUNCH:                Beer have water, pulled it out of green pond! Now drink!

MOOSE:               Look B, you might wanna drink the beer. Punch doesn’t like to pour out his special recipe. His feelings get hurt real easy.

BETSY:                   I ah, (pause) I can maybe take a few sips.  (Sips)

SFX: DOOR OPENS/CLOSES

PATSY:                  Hey baby I got some more mole rat teeth and nuclear waste for your next batch of brew.

BETSY:                   (Spews beer across the bar and gags)

PUNCH:                Meatbag not like? Hurt Punch feelings. Maybe you like dead better?

MOOSE:               (whispers) Patsy we have a customer! Don’t spoil our secret ingredients

PATSY:                  (Under breath) Ugh…Betsy. (Smiling sweetly) Heyyyyy Betsy. How’s things? May I recommend the Nuka Bomb? It tastes just like a Nuka Cola. You take the Moose Punch Ale and drop a shot of honey in it. Yup! Sure does taste just like an ice cold Nuka Cola.

PUNCH:                Huh? No it do!

MOOSE:               Shut up dude, just take her caps! (to Betsy) - Now how about that drink?

BETSY:                   (Laughs) Oh Moose, Moose, Moose. I remember World Cup night. All those sweet nothings you tried to whisper in my ear after you had some moonshine. I can tell when you’re feeding me a line.

PATSY:                  Watch it sister.

MOOSE:               Come on Betsy, we have worked real hard on this place… and you know i gotta look after my Punch bro. Punch is basically the same person as me only … Greener. after a few more pounds and we even start to look the same! haha.

 

BETSY:                   Ugh fine, maybe I can stay… Now Betsy don’t get yourself stuck in another bad situation where you end up a bag on the floor! (giving her self a pep talk) No thanks, maybe I should go…

PUNCH:                (Steps in front of the door) You pay for brew.

BETSY:                   I’m not paying for that vomit in a glass. Out of my way you walking mold. (slides past punch)

SFX: TRAP BEING ENGAGED.

BETSY:                   (Screams)

SFX: THUD

BETSY:                   (Echoing) Owww! Fuck! I broke my ass.

PUNCH:                Punch say you PAY FOR BREW MEATBAG!

MOOSE:               What the hell is that?

PATSY:                  If we’re running a bar we are NOT going to get screwed over by people chug, dong, ditching us without paying their tab. I had Punch setup a few trap pits just in case.

MOOSE:               Kickass! Like the old obstacle course from the gym? Hey…wait…something’s happening dude…

PATSY:                  What’s wrong with your face? You look like you’re having a stroke.

MOOSE:               Shut up I’m having an idea.

PATSY:                  Is that why your nose is bleeding?

MOOSE:               I’ve got it! What if we did a drunken obstacle course! Like charge people a lot of caps, make them drink beer and run the course and then when they all die we are left with a fat stack of caps and some good junk!

PUNCH:                Ohhhh! Punch maybe eat some meatbags. Thin out herd.

MOOSE:               We could make up some stupid prize and bring all the plebs in to test their mettle. It’ll be sweet bro! Punch grab some of those traps. Do we still have those punji boards, oh lets make the dross toss more like dodge ball. Let’s see if we can’t get these electric arc things to work. This is gonna be a blast!

PUNCH:                Death race, Death race Death race!

SFX: RUNNING OUT DOOR.

PATSY:                  Y’all have fun, I’m going to stay right here, make some pop corn, do my nails and watch y’all blow yourself’s up.

SCENE #2: EXT. PARKING LOT

SFX: AUDIENCE CHATTER. WIND.

1. HANDY: Ahem! Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome all to the first annual Great Beer Run sponsored by your friends at the Rusty Prick. Excuse me? What’s that? Ah. I stand corrected. The Rusted Pick! Today we have an amazing act of courage, strength and insanity going on. Contestants must chug an iced cold Moose Punch Ale, made with the finest Appalachia hops and other undisclosed proprietary ingredients, now on tap at the finest establishments of sad drunkenness this side of Seneca Rocks. Once you’ve downed this delightful beverage, you’ll run a lap through the obstacle course. The winner after 10 laps wins this limited edition 4-story water slide.

COMPLAINER:   A water slide??? That prize sucks.

1. HANDY: You could simply not use it sir.

COMPLAINER:   What else you got?

1. HANDY: A. Water. Slide…SIR (annoyed).

COMPLAINER:   Fuck you buddy! I’m going to go build a house with bags of meat and boards with rusty nails in it.

1. HANDY: You do that sir. Ahem. Sign up is inside for anyone participating. The race will begin in 30 minutes.

MOOSE:               Pats! Look at all these marks! Turn out is huge!

PATSY:                  Gag me with a Mentat…they smell like raw sewage. Don’t these people use soap? It’s like…everywhere.

PUNCH:                (Sniff) Punch no smell bad?

PATSY:                  That’s because you reek worse than they do.

MOOSE:               Com on Pats, cool your tits. Punch do we have enough red Yolo cups?

PUNCH:                Red yolo cups! I fill them up! Found in Vault. Lots and lots.

PATSY:                  Vault 51? Where’s that? And why is there confetti and blood all over these?

PUNCH:                Big whoosh door open. Punch find lots of cups. Punch do good?

MOOSE:               You did fine dude! These are great. (Whispering) Let’s clean these up a little before the race.

SCENE #3: INT. RUSTY PRICK.

SFX: DOOR OPENS/CLOSES.

NIGHT WOLF:     Where are we going?

BISHOP:               I owe you a drink pal, and I hear this place has a new brew out.

NIGHT WOLF:     Wow, look at this place it’s basically a slaughter run.

BISHOP:               Oh yes! where the weak are separated from the strong, a perfect display of one’s muster. The prime example of how big your…

NIGHT WOLF:     Calm down there sparky, you’re not actually thinking about signing up for this death trap?

BISHOP:               The Silver Shroud laughs in the face of death. I Shall win this race without breaking a sweat.

NIGHT WOLF:     You go right ahead then. I’ll be sure and grab a seat at the bar, while watching you turn into a bloody mess.

1. HANDY: Last chance to sign up for the beer run! Races start in 10 minutes. Sign up to test your metal! Pay all admission fee’s inside.

BISHOP:               Stand aside and i show you how it’s done.

PATSY:                  Well, hello there…my you’re tall. You here to sign up for the race?

BISHOP:               Sign up? No idea my red cheeked, pulse racing madam, I’m here to win it.

PATSY:                  Right… well that will be 50 caps for the entry fee.

BISHOP:               Hmmm…a little steep don’t you think?

PATSY:                  Well it covers your beer for the race, a cleaning fee…of the equipment after you die…I mean run, and you get a free BroFit t-shirt if you finish…we have a lot of these leftover.

BISHOP:               Oh, I’ll finish alright, or my names not The Silver…

NIGHT WOLF:     Ahem…

BISHOP:               Ehm….the Bland Banshee!

PATSY:                  Sure. Whatever. You going to wear all of that while you run orrrrr?

1. HANDY: The race is starting ladies and gentlemen! Let’s get ready to race folks, outside please!

SCENE #4: EXT. PARKING LOT

SFX: AUDIENCE CHATTER. WIND.

MOOSE:               GUYS! Do y’all see all those paper bags out there? Some of these tools didn’t even finish one lap! haha Fucking plebs.

PUNCH:                Punch think this dumb. Punch just watch them die. Not get to make them dead for yum yums.

MOOSE:               Just think of all those caps we made today bro. Plus, I’m sure there is some pretty good loot out on the course.

PATSY:                  Punch, why don’t you start clearing the course while we wrangle the idiots in the bar. There’s this one guy who keeps trying to hide in the shadows, but he just keeps giggling…what’s that dude’s problem?

BISHOP:               (Drunk, laughing) I shall dark with my justice naughty sausages!

SFX: CRASHES INTO TABLE.

BISHOP:               (Face down on floor) Death has….something…evil duder. I’m a cow.

NIGHT WOLF:     Oh man this is too good. Stay right there.

SFX: CAMERA FLASH.

NIGHT WOLF:     I’m going to milk this forever. Come on, I’ll drag you back to the station.

BISHOP:               Don’t you sass me… I’m the …. What am I? The Pantless Phantom? No that’s not it..

NIGHT WOLF:     Hold up there turbo, let’s set you down on this stool.

BISHOP:               Get your hands off me! Eat my justice terrible. You there! Foul doer.

MOOSE:               Dude you’re yelling at a trash can.

BISHOP:               That’s what he wants you to think. It’s a tin of darkness! The dreaded Mechanist!

MOOSE:               Oh it holds darkness alright. That Slick Willie weirdo lives in that thing. Smells like pee.

PATSY:                  Speaking of that old pervert, wasn’t he in the race today? Did we finally off that creep?

SLICK WILLY:       From beneath the counter and under your trousers, here’s olllll Slick Willy! I’m like Swamp Itch you delicious darlin’ I’m tough to get rid of! Hoooooo Wheeee!

PUNCH:                HEY! You old nasty man get out from Punch bar. That Punch place!

SLICK WILLY:       Let go of me you big wall of snot!

PUNCH:                PUNCH SAID OUT FROM BAR!

SFX: PUNCH THROWS WILLY.

SLICK WILLY:       (Goofy style yell and crash) You ain’t heard the last of Slick Willy!

NIGHT WOLF:     Alright Bishop, let’s get you back to the station and if you don’t puke all over me I’ll let you entertain the listeners for a bit. That’ll be hilarious. How about that?

BISHOP:               (Gagging hiccup) Can I song a sing?

NIGHT WOLF:     Ahh…no.

BISHOP:               (Over dramatically starts singing) Country roads take me home. (hick up) to the place where I belong.

NIGHT WOLF:     I’m kind of over this song now.

SFX: DOOR OPENS/CLOSES.

MOOSE:               Punch lock the doors it’s time to see how much stuff we got!

 

PUNCH:                Can I keep meat bags?

PATSY:                  Eww gross!

MOOSE:               Sure big fella you worked hard today. They are all yours.

PUNCH:                YAY!!!! (chanting) Meat bag, meat bag meat bag toes and tongues for meeeee!

PATSY:                  Okay so we had 18 entries and only 3 completed the race. Some ghoul named Larry finished 3rd, Bishop finished 2nd, and uh oh….

MOOSE:               What is it babe?

PATSY:                  The first person to cross the finish line was Slick Willy.

MOOSE:               What? He did? Wait, where are all the caps?

PATSY:                  They were right here, behind the bar!

MOOSE:               Son of a bitch! he took off with all our caps. That old man is dead! At least we got some good loot right?

PATSY:                  If you count, syringer ammo and raw crystal good loot. We did get a few chems out of the deal.

MOOSE:               Well now what are we supposed to do? We did all that work for nothing. If Chad was here he’d be pissed.

PUNCH:                Want some meat bag? Punch share with friends!

PATSY:                  Ugh. I’m going to go check to make sure the kid is still in a coma and then I’m taking a bath.