CAST & VOICE TALENT

• SPECIAL GUEST: Neil Kaplan ~ Biv
• SPECIAL GUEST: Lady Devann ~ Atomic Alice
• Alexander Luthor ~ Chad Johnson, Bear
• Kenneth Vigue ~ Narrator, Simon Rex
• Jessica Duval ~ Susie/Ella, Young Atomic Alice
• Sean Baptiste ~ Brooks Calvert
• Keemo Provorse ~ Jake White
• Taylor Jinx Knight ~ Amata Hayes
• Clint Winberry ~ Moose Miller, Dogbreath
• Christian Mower ~ Punch, The Night Wolf
• Fenwa Teryen ~ Charles Bishop
• Jessica Marie Dickey ~ Patsy Parker, Rita
• Dr. Mark Hauswirth ~ Slick Willy
• Kevin Chenard ~ Mamma Murmrgh, Lugnut (Raider)
• Robert Solomon ~ High Priest Solomon, Razorhandle (Raider)
• Anthony Goddard ~ Roper (Free Radicals Leader)
• Ashley Jaye ~ Meg
• Christopher J. Marrow ~ Skinner (Mr. Handy)
• Kayce Baker ~ Ratchet
• Ray Middelthon ~ Command Johns

 

MEDIA: COLD OPENING DIALOGUE MUSIC

KEN: This is Kenneth Vigue and we’re back with episode 12 of season 2! This episode introduces three very special guests. Firstly, I wanted to remind all of our listeners if you, please drop us a review on Apple Podcasts OR the Spotify mobile app. Your reviews and ratings really help the show and I appreciate all the notes and love you share. Secondly, follow our socials on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter or you can even find me in our new Discord that we setup for the show exclusively . Never be afraid to say hello, I’m always happy to chat with our fans. I also want to shout out our long term Patrons on Patreon for whom the quality of sound of this show has benefited greatly: PedernalesFalls, Jennifer Snyder, CaptainRedBeard, Biran McLaughlin, Ian Prickett, Michelle Bright, Mr. Johnathan Warrix, Mark Elliott, Clair Hart, Trizzle Plays, Jack Beaver, Jason Swift, Jim, Paula Imes, Danielle Stefko, Evenstarr, Kevin Kirkland, Scruffy23, Kaybee, Ryan, Daniel Boyer, Jackson Little, Jase Smith, Paul Carr, Kaleana M., Shiimapan, Bowson Von Tollbooth, Wandering Wastelander, Johannes, Pierce Kenny, Mitchell Lewis, Brendon Lies and Patrick Conway. Thank you all! Now…on to the episode and our special guests. For the final episodes of season 2 for charity we will be joined by some of the original Bethesda voice actors, including Neil Kaplan       joining us as that beloved tipsy Robobrain BIV! Also joining us is someone you’ve seen on Twitch. You know her as Lady Devann, Bethesda Community Manager. She’ll be playing a new recurring character called Atomic Alice. Thirdly, Sean Baptiste whom you met previously in our live Christmas Carol episode as the vile raider who played the Ghost of Christmas Yet to come will be back ongoing as Free Radical gang member Brooks Calvert. Longtime fans of Fallout will recognize his last name as this black sheep of the Point Lookout Calvert clan found himself on the wrong side of the law. Also joining us once more is Ashley Jaye who played Maya in a previous minisode, as well as Kayce Baker, better known on Twitch as El Gato Pub . Some months have passed since the events of Dark Hallowe’en and the gang are still picking up the pieces. Some remember what happened, others do not, but in the wake of Mr. Dark’s departure shadows hang over Appalachia. In the distance a cloud of dust heralds something that will change everything. People...returning…Settlers and Raiders alike. We’re about to venture back to the fall of Appalachia, before Reclamation Day, as a mother in a once fashionable and expensive dress is running for her life pursued by a band of Raiders. Let’s drop in unannounced on her as she bars the door and hopes for the best in this episode titled, Beer, Bros and Brahmin Riding… TRIGGER warning: this opening scene deals with substance abuse and suicide. Proceed through the vault door at your own risk.

SCENE 1: NEW RIVER GORGE RESORT. EXT. DAY.

SFX: GRASS WAVING. LIGHT WIND.

YOUNG ALICE:   …an obstacle course? Or a deadly trap! With my Veil of Secrets we’ll soon find out and recover the stolen Blade of Bastet from the clutches of the vile corruptor Ragnarok! By my side my trusty companion Mistress MOLL-E the robot agent!

SFX: EYEBOT CHIRPING.

YOUNG ALICE:   Quickly! We must make haste to the tower! One way up! But what if there are lasers to trip the alarms?

SFX: EYEBOT CHRIPING.

YOUNG ALICE:   Ah yes faithful Mistress MOLL-E! The Veil of Secrets. It will reveal all! Up we go! Carefully the Mistress of Mystery walks across the chasm of DOOM….one wrong step and she could plunge to her death!

SFX: WOOD WALKING.

YOUNG ALICE:   And with one last shaking step! KAZAM! The Mistress reaches the castle tower. Up, up we go MOLL-E! Keep your sensors peeled for the Footsoldiers of Fear! Quietly she crept up…one at a time to the entrance to the Wizard’s Maze of Magic. Ahead of her! Egads!

SFX: EYEBOT CHIRPING.

YOUNG ALICE:   …that’s right Mistress MOLL-E! It’s a dimensional vortex trap! No doubt laid by Ragnarok to plunge us all into the Dimension of Pterodac  tyls again! Only way forward…a worn and dangerous rope bridge …its boards splintering from the powerful dark forces of the vortex below….

SFX: ROPE BREACH CREAK.

YOUNG ALICE:   But the Mistress knows no fear! One step at a time…carefully…

SFX: BOARD CRACKS.

SFX: BODY FALL.

YOUNG ALICE:   OWWWW! Damn it…MOLL-E you should’ve said that board was broken!

SFX: EYEBOT CHIRPING.

YOUNG ALICE:   Now look at my Garb of Mystery! It’s ripped again! Mom is going to be pissed!

SFX: EYEBOT CHIRPING.

YOUNG ALICE:   (sighs) Come on…let’s see if we can find the Needle of Repairing before we get our butts beat.

SFX: WALKING ON GRASS. CONCRETE.

YOUNG ALICE:   Do you think Daddy will ever come home MOLL-E?

SFX: EYEBOT CHIRPING.

YOUNG ALICE:   That’s true. One day, when I’m older I’m going to find him. Just like the Mistress would!

SFX: GUNSHOTS.

SFX: DRUMMING WARNING EYEBOT MUSIC.

YOUNG ALICE:   Gunshots? That sounded close.

RITA:                     ALICE! RUN! RUN HUNNY!

YOUNG ALICE:   Mom?

RITA:                     Inside! Go!

YOUNG ALICE:   What’s wrong?

RITA:                     Raiders!

SFX: WOODEN STAIRS. DOOR SLAMMED AND BOLTED.

SFX: DRAGGING FURNITURE.

SFX: GUNSHOTS HIT WOOD.

RITA:                     …need to find…where did I put it?

SFX: DRAWER SEARCH

RATCHET:            HEYYYYYYY LADDDDYYYYY. (laughs) Why don’tcha come on out nice and quiet like…hand over them caps you scavved and we probably won’t blow your head off.

MEG:                     Shut up Ratchet. HEY! There’s no way out of there lady. I asked nicely once…and now, I’m out of breath, pissed off and you…are out of time.

YOUNG ALICE:   What are you trying to find Mommy?

RITA:                     Mommy’s gun hunny…

YOUNG ALICE:   OH! The Voice of SET! I hid it out by the Lake of Misery!

RITA:                     You what?

YOUNG ALICE:   The Lake of Misery! Right over there!

RITA:                     YOU THREW IT IN THE POOL? Oh my God…oh my God….what did you do Alice? Oh what did you do? My medicine…Mommy’s out of her medicine…trapped….my head….

(NOTE: Rita starts repeating this last sentence 4 times as she starts to lose control)

MEG:                     I can hear youuuu in there.

SFX: DOOR RATTLED.

RATCHET:            Open the door…we just want to talk (laughs)

MEG:                     This cabin has more holes in it than Swiss cheese. You think we can’t just bust on in? But hey…Meg’s a good sport. I’ll give you 60 seconds to come on out of there, hand over those caps YOU took from a stash in MY territory and you have my word we’ll get on out of your prissy ass beehive ‘do.

RITA:                     GO AWAY! LEAVE US ALONE!

MEG:                     (makes tsking noise) Nah…see I can’t do that. That’s Ol’ Margies way…you got the wrong Diehards.

RATCHET:            We play by our own rules.

MEG:                     MY rules.

RATCHET:            Right, right….YOUR rules.

SFX: EYEBOT CHIRPS.

YOUNG ALICE:   MOLL-E said they’ve surrounded us. What are we gonna do?

RITA:                     (panic and mental confusion) Bombs came…he left us. Left us…barely made it out….made it out…and then the other man came and he left us…left us and now they’ve come….no way out…have to find a way out…have to find…

YOUNG ALICE:   Mom? Mommy? What are we gonna do?

RITA:                     GET OUT OF HERE! GO AWAY! GO AWAY I SAID! Do you know who I am! My husband is a powerful man! Powerful man! Powerful man with a plan!

RATCHET:            She’s ravving….what’s she on about?

MEG:                     Probably high on chems or somethin’. She’s ranting like a loon. 30 seconds lady! I don’t give a flying fuck who you are!

SFX: PAN THROWN.

RITA:                     FISHSTICKS FOR DINNER! HAVE SOME!

SFX: BODY IMPACT.

MEG:                     OWWW! A frying pan? You hit me with a frying pan??? I’m done. Ratchet…let’s whip Miss High and Mighty chem fiend here up a special cocktail.

RATCHET:            (laughs) Shaken…on the rocks and ON THE HOUSE! WHOOOOOOO!

SFX: MOLOTOV COCKTAIL LIT.

MEG:                     Time’s up Rita.

SFX: MOLOTOV SMASHES. EXPLODES.

RATCHET:            Fire in the hole! (laughs)

RITA:                     STOP IT! DINNER’S NOT READY!

YOUNG ALICE:   Fire! (coughing) MOLL-E HELP! DO SOMETHING!

SFX: EYEBOT BATTLE  NOISES. LASER STARTS FIRING OUT THE WINDOW.

MEG:                     Lady Jane has an eyebot in there! Let loose!

SFX: GUNSHOTS FIRING.

SFX: LASERS CONTINUE FIRING.

RATCHET:            AHHHH! Little bastard shot me!

MEG:                     Why you little tin shit!

SFX: GUNFIRE INCREASES.

RITA:                     A dance Mr. Bartholomew? But everyone is watching!

YOUNG ALICE:   MOMMY! PLEASE! I’m scared!

RITA:                     Alice? The bathroom…we need to hide. They got your brother and sister but not you. Not my little Alice. Quiet as mice now… Mommy’s going to mix us some fresh juice. It’s good for you. Fresh squeezed okay. And then we’ll have a nice nap.

YOUNG ALICE:   A juice? We need to go!

RITA:                     Into the bathroom now! Hurry!

SFX: RUNNING.

RITA:                     Now. Wait for Mommy, okay? Peas and carrots! 2 juices! Coming up!

SFX: FOOTSTEPS RECEEDE. FIRE CRACKLES.

YOUNG ALICE:   (Coughing) Mommy’s funny again MOLL-E. What should we do?

SFX: EYEBOT CHIRPS.

YOUNG ALICE:   Don’t drink it? Why?

SFX: FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.

RITA:                     Fresh squeezed dear! Smell that bacon? Breakfast will be ready soon! Now drink up!

SFX: DRINKING.

RITA:                     That hit the spot! Come on dear…drink.

YOUNG ALICE:   I…I don’t want to. I’m not thirsty.

RITA:                     But they’re all waiting! And those peasants are at the door! We can’t let them take our best china! Mother’s china! Red plate china! Drink….

YOUNG ALICE:   You…you’re sick Mom….

RITA:                     I SAID DRINK IT!

SFX: STRUGGLE.

SFX: EYEBOT CHIRP. TASER SOUND.

SFX: BODY THUD.

YOUNG ALICE:   Mommy?! What did you do MOLL-E?

SFX: CHIRPING.

SFX: DOOR BUSTS OPEN.

YOUNG ALICE:   Hide MOLL-E!

SFX: SHOWER CURTAIN CLOSE.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS.

RATCHET:            Back here…bathroom.

MEG:                     Open it.

SFX: DOOR KICKED OPEN.

RATCHET:            Huh. She’s down.

MEG:                     Check her…

RATCHET:            She’s dead…

YOUNG ALICE:   (quiet gasp)

MEG:                     No blood?

RATCHET:            What’s that coming out of her mouth?

MEG:                     Smells like…almonds. Offed herself. Coward. Jesus…all over 30 measly caps. Grab ‘em and let’s go. We need to finish rounding up supplies before we hit the road north.

SFX: POCKETS SIFTED. CAPS CLINK.

RATCHET:            Got ‘em. Winds shifting…this place is gonna go up soon.

MEG:                     Where’d that eyebot get off to? Don’t need a shot to the back when we’re headed out of here.

SFX: SHOWER CURTAIN OPENS.

YOUNG ALICE:   (sniffling tears) You….you are gonna get it now evil doer! I’m the Mistress of Mystery and I’m NOT AFAID OF YOU!

SFX: PUNCHING. KICKING.

RATCHET:            Oww! Get off me you little brat!

MEG:                     Hey! Hey! Cut with the theatrics kid. (Laughs) You sure got a way with kids Ratchet. Why don’t you wait outside?

YOUNG ALICE:   You killed MOMMY!

MEG:                     Nope. Nuh uh. Didn’t lay a finger on her. She did that. Cowards way out…believe me on that one. That your juice?

YOUNG ALICE:   (sniffling) Ye….yes.

MEG:                     She was trying to make you drink this??

YOUNG ALICE:   (silent but sniffling)

MEG:                     What’s your name kid?

YOUNG ALICE:   (sniffling) Alice.

MEG:                     Name’s Meg. Where’s your Daddy at?

YOUNG ALICE:   (sniffling) We don’t know.

MEG:                     Look I’m sorry about your Ma. So you like the Mistress of Mystery huh?

YOUNG ALICE:   Yes….

MEG:                     Me too. You got any relatives around here?

YOUNG ALICE:   No. It was just me and Mama and MOLL-E. I had a brother and sister but they died before I was born.

RATCHET:            Meg! Let’s go already! Leave the little brat!

MEG:                     (sighs) Look kid. I’ve been where you’re standing. It’s rough out here…and some people can’t cut it. They could, but they don’t. When the bombs came and it all went to hell some people gave up and straight up offed themselves. My Ma did that, but not me. You need to be tough, and when you’re tough…like the Mistress of Mystery there’s nothing you can’t do. Remember when the Mistress was standing at the gates of Ra? Now she could’ve turned back…fought past the Howling Hordes to safety and just called it a day or….she could go on through the gate not knowing what was on the other side. She made a choice. Now I didn’t have one, but I’m offering one to you…one I didn’t have. You can stay or you can go. We’re heading out of here. For keeps.

YOUNG ALICE:   On an adventure?

MEG:                     Yeah…we’re gonna head up the coast, chasing the waves…finding friends. Caps and Treasures…D.C….Boston…wherever we want. So…you want to stay or you want to go? Are you brave enough to step on through with me?

YOUNG ALICE:   Can we look for my Dad?

MEG:                     Sure. Whatever. We can do anything we want.

YOUNG ALICE:   Can MOLL-E come?

MEG:                     (Laughs) Sure what the hell. Bring along that tin can. Probably be great for scouting ahead in case we run into trouble.

YOUNG ALICE:   Okay…I’ll be brave. I can be brave.

MEG:                     Great…come on…

SFX: TIMBERS CRASH. FIRE ROARS.

MEG:                     We need to get out of here…place is going up. Come on, let’s head back to camp. By noon tomorrow we can kiss Appalachia goodbye.

YOUNG ALICE:   Can we come back some day?

MEG:                     Maybe. Sure. Some day…

MEDIA: OPENING INTRO THEME.

SCENE 2: RUSTY PICK. EXT. NIGHT.

MEDIA: JOGGING. DOOR KICKED OPEN. BODY DRAGGED IN. THUMP.

CHAD:                   Whoops! Mind the door frame Simon dude. Phew…carrying and dragging that dude all the way back here was a huge pain in the ass…MOOSE! PATS! ANYONE HERE?

SFX: WALKING.

CHAD:                   Moose!

SFX: RUNNING.

CHAD:                   Wake up dude!

MOOSE:               (mumbles) Bro? That you? What….what the hell happened? Something…happened…and then…I don’t really remember?

CHAD:                   It’s all good now bro. Sorted it. Up you go dude.

MOOSE:               Pats? PATS! She was screaming…PATS! Think she was downstairs…

SFX: STAIRS. SMASHING.

PUNCH:                NO! BAD MAN! BAD MAN! BAD BAD MAN!

CHAD:                   Whoa! Cool it dude! PUNCH! PUNCH!

PUNCH:                YOU NOT CHAD! YOU BAD MAN TOO!

MOOSE:               Dude it’s us! What’s wrong with you?

PUNCH:                BAD MAN COME! TAKE EVERYONE AWAY! PUNCH GET SAD! …little friend? Where little friend???

CHAD:                   HEY! It’s fine…it’s just us here…he’s gone. For good.

SFX: DOOR RATTLES. UNLOCKED.

CHAD:                   Susie? It’s….it’s me….

MOOSE:               There she is! PATS!

PATSY:                  (Groggy) Moose? I had…the most totally messed up dream…like these trick or treaters were chasing me through the corn maze but they had no faces…just a mouth. Like…a scary ass mouth. And I couldn’t find anyone…

PUNCH:                There! Back there! Under shelf!

CHAD:                   Kid…come on…

SUSIE:                   RRRRRRARRRRRRRR!

CHAD:                   Susie…

SUSIE:                   RRRrrrrrrrrr…..Ch………

CHAD:                   Come on….please give me this….

SUSIE:                   D…..Dad?

SFX: RUNNING. HUG.

CHAD:                   Yeah. Yeah kid. That’s right. Come on up you go…we need to hoof it over to Doc Martin’s place while you’re still all with me. It’ll be okay.

SFX: STAIRS.

PATSY:                  What the hell….why do I have cornsilk in my bra? Ugh….I’m taking a very long hot bath. And Punch I swear to God if I catch you peeking again I’m going to shoot you in the face. Kay?

MOOSE:               The bar is trashed…looks like a storm hit it.

CHAD:                   You’re not far off. You guys start cleanin’ up. I’m gonna hoof it over to the clinic. Doc said this should take 4 to 5 hours or so for that transfusion blood thingy. Keep it loose until…(panic) Simon?!

MOOSE:               Simon?

CHAD:                   I dragged his evil ass on back here. Had an idea to shut him down for good…

SIMON:                What did I tell you I was going to do? I’m going to burn it all down…starting with you.

SFX: GUN COCKED. FIRED.

SUSIE:                   Ahhhh!

SFX: BODY COLLAPSE.

CHAD:                   SUSIE! NOOOOOOOO!!!!

SIMON:                ….starting with you……starting with you…….youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (insane laughing)

SFX: DREAM FADE ECHOING.

SFX: BED JUMP.

CHAD:                   (Panting) ….Jesus….Jesus Christ….

SFX: HEART HAMMERING.

SFX: LITTLE FEET RUN.

SFX: KNOCK ON DOOR.

SUSIE:                   Chad? Wake up! Wake up! Punch made yum yums for breakfast!

SFX: DOOR OPENS.

CHAD:                   Come on in here and gimme a squish.

SFX: JUMP ON BED.

SUSIE:                   You feeling okay? Punch said that silly Doctor man was over here poking you again. And I said that’s gross and then we had tea.

CHAD:                   (laughs) I’m fine…just…bad dreams. Every damned night for months now since Halloween. Doc thinks it’s just a side effect of the trans funky process whatever thing he did.

SUSIE:                   Did it hurt?

CHAD:                   Nah…you know me. 5x5, 6s and 7s. Fit as a banjo. You still doing okay?

SUSIE:                   All better! Your blood is my blood now! We’re family! Come on! I’m hungies for yum yum flapjacks!

CHAD:                   Hey, tell you what…after breakfast let’s head on up to Summersville and finish scavving those parts to fix Ella.

SUSIE:                   Yay!

CHAD:                   You still got all them ones I wrapped for you for Christmas? Parts for her are hard to come by…gonna have to jiggery pockery her back together and hope for the best.

SUSIE:                   Uh huh! They’re all in my special secret drawer in my room! Can we see another play again soon like Carol Christmas? That one was silly.

CHAD:                   Nah…that Lord Farty Pants took off up north towards Pittsburgh. I say good riddance…we’ve got enough people scavving for resources around here.

SFX: WALKING IN HALL.

SFX: POTS RATTLING KITCHEN.

PATSY:                  This food is disgusting. Like what the hell is this? It has a tail! OH MY GOD IT’S WAGGING! WHY IS MY OMELETTE WAGGING!

SFX: GUN SHOT. SQUEEK.

MOOSE:               There you go babe! Eat hearty!

PUNCH:                Punch special eggs. Meat bag shut face. Eat good. Grow big and strong like Punch! Good for better ta ta drums for Moose to play.

PATSY:                  WHAT DID YOU SAY?

MOOSE:               Uhhh…(whispers) Punch dude shut up…mornin bro! I got those help wanted flyers posted this morning. We just need a house band or a hot lounge singer chic or something and maybe a waitress because…

PATSY:                  I told you I don’t SERVE people. I think this whole bar club idea is stupid.

PUNCH:                No you stupid! Punch make brew! Punch want shiny from stupid meat bags.

MOOSE:               You want a coffee babe or maybe some Juice?

PATSY:                  No…the last time I used that Mr. Juicer thing from the old gym it sprayed me in the face and called me a dirty little whore.

CHAD:                   (laughing) Best thing I’ve ever programmed.

MOOSE:               So, hear me out…big opening bash! Music, food, and beer dude. Lots and lots of beer. This place will be hopping. We’re in a great spot, no one comes down to this ashy wasteland anyway so we got no competition dude. We’ll make a mint!

CHAD:                   Yeah….yeah that might be fun. We haven’t had a decent gig since the BroFit gym. But we need like some other kind of hook to really clean up. Wait…

PATSY:                  Why are you making that face…

CHAD:                   Shut up…I’m thinking….wait….

PUNCH:                Punch make face like dat when uhhhhh….uhhhh….Punch forgot what sayin’.

SUSIE:                   Can I have some more slurpy slurpy syrup Mr. Punch?

PUNCH:                Punch do! Here go!

MOOSE:               Not too much sugar kid. I just fixed the hole in the wall.

CHAD:                   SHIT YEAH! I got it! Gambling machines dude!

MOOSE:               Like slot machines?

CHAD:                   No dude! Let’s steal one of those scrip machines from a train station and lug its ass over here. I can knock out the bottom so when they toss in all their gear it all just drops down into the basement. We can setup a little shop in here to sell plebs some crap in little surprise boxes. So they don’t know what they’re gonna get but the majority of it will be the same crap they tossed in the machine. It’s perfect! Won’t cost us anything.

MOOSE:               Genius bro!

SFX: RUMBLING.

PATSY:                  Jesus Christ what now?

CHAD:                   What the hell is that?

PUNCH:                Punch no like! Shaky shake!

SFX: DISTANT EXPLOSION. BUILDING SHAKES.

CHAD:                   Came from downstairs?

SFX: STAIRS.

SFX: DIRT SHIFTS. DEBRIS FALLS.

CHAD:                   DUDE! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY BANG CLOSET! Someone trashed it!

MOOSE:               Walls blown all out. Some kind of tunnel…back here.

CHAD:                   Susie!

SUSIE:                   I didn’t do it!

CHAD:                   Your kitty ain’t been digging holes in the yard again have you?

SUSIE:                   Nuh uh!

MAMA:                (mumbles incoherently)

CHAD:                   GAH! What the hell is that thing.

PATSY:                  (gags) Oh my god she looks like a smell.

PUNCH:                NASTY MOLE PEOPLE LADY! Punch hate nasty Mole people.

MAMA:                (mumbles incoherently)

PUNCH:                No you nasty!

MAMA:                (mumbles incoherently)

MOOSE:               You can understand her dude?

PUNCH:                Mole people sometimes trade with Punch old super mutant family. Only sell trash.

SFX: PAPER RUSTLES.

CHAD:                   Hey! That’s one of our flyers.

MAMA:                (mumbles incoherently)

PUNCH:                Mole lady face wants job.

CHAD:                   Uhhh…look lady I can’t understand a word comin’ out of your mask face.

MAMA:                (mumbles incoherently)

PUNCH:                She say she work for trash. No caps.

CHAD:                   Like….she’ll literally take whatever we give her?

MOOSE:               Dude her first paycheck is going to be that stack of White Ivory Grip plans and some bulk cloth.

CHAD:                   Sure what the hell. Okay lady, job’s yours.

MAMA:                (mumbles incoherently)

PATSY:                  What??? Where the hell is that thing going to sleep?

PUNCH:                She like dirt hole. Make nest.

SUSIE:                   Hi Miss Mama! I’m Susie! What’s your name?

MAMA:                (mumbles) Murmrgh

PUNCH:                She Mama Murmrgh….or some ting.

CHAD:                   Hey…where does this tunnel go lady?

MAMA:                (mumbles)

PUNCH:                All over place she say.

CHAD:                   Does it go up to Summersville?

MAMA:                (mumbles)

PUNCH:                She say straight ahead, two left and a right.

CHAD:                   Perfect! You want to finish your breakfast curtain climber? Or you up for some workout dirt cave spelunk runnin?

SUSIE:                   Let’s go! Let’s go! I miss Ella!

CHAD:                   Go fetch your little sneakers kid, your little pack pack with all them parts for Ella, and some water. We’ll burn off that sugar high together okay?

SFX: RUNNING ON STAIRS.

MOOSE:               Come on uhhh…Mama whatever. I’ll show you around. Come on Pats!

PATSY:                  You and that walking couch can do whatever. I’m going out to steal a new dress for opening night. Be back whenever. (mumbling) Stupid ass weirdoes…might as well have every whack job join the gang…

CHAD:                   Punch dude, can you go fetch one of those casino machine thingamabobs?

PUNCH:                Uhhhh what look like?

CHAD:                   Uhhh…it’s like a big robot that spins around and makes noises and stuff.

PUNCH:                Punch do! Brrrrrr ka ching! (laughs)

CHAD:                   Get after it brother.

SFX: RUNNING ON STAIRS.

SUSIE:                   All ready!

SFX: BAG ZIP.

CHAD:                   Here…got this little Mr Fuzzy mining helmet thing from chucking the dross toss thing over in Camden.

SUSIE:                   Ohhh kitty!

CHAD:                   Lights on kid! Let’s go. Remember…pace your breathing okay?

SUSIE:                   Wheeeee!

CHAD:                   Or you know…just run like a maniac. (sighs) Hold up!

SFX: RUNNING.

MEDIA: TRANSITION MUSIC.

SCENE 3: RBTS RADIO STATION. INT. DAY

SFX: DOOR OPENS.

JOHNS:                 Hello? Hey! Anyone in here?

SFX: WALKING.

BISHOP:               …and that little number was from the you know them and you love them: the incomparable Chuck and the Moonshiners. This next number by Dodge Brown takes us down to the heart of Appalachia, the coal fields where deep down below they have their own Coal Mine Rhythm.

SFX: RECORD PLAY.

MEDIA: SONG

SFX: DOOR KNOCK.

BISHOP:               No autographs please. I’m on air.

JOHNS:                 Yeah…not interested. Open up….here’s my badge.

BISHOP:               The long arm of the law eh?

SFX: DOOR OPENS.

BISHOP:               What can I do you for?

JOHNS:                 When is the last time you saw Hugo Warren?

BISHOP:               Hugo!? Been months.

JOHNS:                 Before the drive-in and Mr. Dark or after?

BISHOP:               The who and the what?

JOHNS:                 Mr. Dark? Halloween? Blank face. Never mind…you’re one of the ones who forgot.

BISHOP:               Forgot what?

JOHNS:                 Look never mind. WHERE and WHEN did you last see him?

BISHOP:               What’s it to yah anyway coppah? Charles Bishop doesn’t appreciate getting led around by his short hairs…and judging by the broken capillaries and borderline pinkeye…one who sauces his biscuits a little too heavily…savvy?

SFX: SHOVE BACK AGAINST THE FILING CABINET, VASE FALLS OFF AND SMASHES.

BISHOP:               (panic and out of character voice cracking) WHOA! Jesus calm down man!

JOHNS:                 Look you preening desk jockey, I ran out of sauce last night and I’m pretty pissed off about it. So I’ll ask you again before we see just how far up your ass your head really goes. WHEN. WHERE.

BISHOP:               Alright alright. Back at the end of summer after Camp Wannagrindalot was atomized. He’d be offed by what sickle wielding whack job. Came back here all wild eyes and ranting something about Vault-Tec and what he found out at the orchard or some such nonsense. He said for us to hold down the fort and he’d be gone for a few months at best.

SFX: DOOR OPENS.

NIGHT WOLF:     BISHOP! YOU SNOT NOSED HACK! You changed my playlist! What kind of….

BISHOP:               Greeting my red-faced cohort, the angry drunk with his hands around my throat is…you know what I never caught your name?

JOHNS:                 Johns. Commander. Five-0 New Responders.

NIGHT WOLF:     New Responders huh? You ever find my pet sloth?

JOHNS:                 Uhh…no?

NIGHT WOLF:     Humph. You guys are doing a bang-up job.

BISHOP:               Look pal. Question answered. Would you mind dislodging your sweaty fist from off my person?

JOHNS:                 Fine. What about you? Hugo Warren.

NIGHT WOLF:     Hugo? He said he was going to find you.

JOHNS:                 Me?

NIGHT WOLF:     Yeah. Last I saw of him he was headed out the door after leaving us passcodes and such for the station with a backpack filled with notes and files. Said he needed to find Commander Johns and something about Vault-Tec University.

JOHNS:                 Humph. That checks out. Here.

SFX: BAG UNZIPPED.

JOHNS:                 One of our officers had found this in Point Pleasant cemetery.

BISHOP:               That’s Hugo’s bag!

JOHNS:                 It was empty…cleaned out. Whatever files he had in there are long gone. BUT…it had a false bottom. I found this.

NIGHT WOLF:     An ID card? CHROMAX Genetics. Nina Valaya (pronounced VAL-EH-AH). Huh. Never heard of her.

JOHNS:                 It was important enough for him to stitch into the bottom of the bag. But if you two don’t anything more I’m right back to square one.

NIGHT WOLF:     Well, where is he? I told the boss to stop poking into stuff. We had a good thing going here.

BISHOP:               Not all of us can just stick our heads in the sand my sweaty chested sidekick.

NIGHT WOLF:     Damn it stop doing that.

BISHOP:               Doing what?

NIGHT WOLF:     Nothing my squared jawed…uhh….slick back hair…guy…

BISHOP:               That’s cute.

JOHNS:                 Right. Well look, if you hear anything, you guys have a back up HAM radio here?

NIGHT WOLF:     That we do.

JOHNS:                 Here. This is my frequency.

SFX: PENCIL SCRIBBLE

JOHNS:                 If you hear anything, anything at all…out of the ordinary. Let me know. I’m heading off to Sugar Grove. Heard rumors that place had been snooping through anything and everything pre-war. If you use the HAM, make sure to keep it short…Judge has ears everywhere now.

NIGHT WOLF:     Sure. Can do.

BISHOP:               You’re heading out there alone?

JOHNS:                 Yeah?

BISHOP:               Not if Charles Bishop has anything to say about it. You will be plunged headfirst into a vile den of secrecy. This looks like a job for the Silver….uhhh Banshee.

NIGHT WOLF:     Real smooth. Skirting fines there…

JOHNS:                 I don’t need no tag-a-long cosplay weirdo.

BISHOP:               Uh huh. You’re going to break into a maximum-security former government covert listening post with next gen security and a horde of robots armed to the teeth by yourself?

JOHNS:                 Huh. In hindsight…

BISHOP:               Let me just grab my dashing hat, coat and ascot and make sure the Silver Submachine gun is loaded.

NIGHT WOLF:     I guess I’LL take over and start playing MY music list again. Good luck!

SFX: DOOR CLOSED. CHAIR SQUEEK.

NIGHT WOLF:     Salt the doorways and crank up the airwaves because it’s your hungry howler, the Night Wolf bringing you full moon energy blasting right into your earholes! I’m stealing back the mic from Boppin’ Bishop to bring you ALLLLLL the choons to shoot to Appalachia. Now for a morning drivetime traffic report. It’s looking CLEAR all the way to Watoga. Multivehicle chain explosions reported over at the Whitesprings Golf Club. Tiptoe on past Appalachia. Up next, we kick up some dust with this firecracker of a hit from Cindy Sue that topped the charts in 2075 before her untimely death in a freak outhouse accident. Pop open that umbrella for Bleeding Rainnnnnn!

SFX: RECORD STARTS.

MEDIA: MUSIC TRANSITION.

SCENE 4: DUNCAN AND DUNCAN ROBOTICS. INT. DAY.

SFX: DOOR OPENS.

SUSIE:                   Oh no!

SFX: DOOR RATTLES.

SUSIE:                   It’s got one of those swipey swipes! Now what?

CHAD:                   Chad ain’t got no time to fetch some dumbass plastic off a corpse in the middle of God knows where. Here…gimme your barrette.

SUSIE:                   Here you go!

CHAD:                   Watch the Chad show you why Miss April back in 76 said I had magic fingers….

SFX: ELECTRICAL SHORT. DOOR SWINGS OPEN.

SUSIE:                   Yay!

CHAD:                   I still got it. Come on…

SUSIE:                   Ooooohhhh! D D …ummm

CHAD:                   Sound it out…

SUSIE:                   Ro….bo….tics… D D Robotics! Oh lookie at this one! It’s one of those floaty bots like from Ralphie! RALPHIE the Robot's Incredible Odyssey! I used to watch every Saturday in my jammies with a bowl of Sugar Bombs!

CHAD:                   Oh yeah! I remember that. They used to show the old tapes back in the vault when we were kids. That general always chasing him was a real bastard. Looks like a little showroom over here. Oh great…another robot to deal with.

SUSIE:                   Lookie! I like the red ones! Can I have one? Please! I like that tall one with the angry hands.

CHAD:                   You got enough things that will kill us at home kid. Hey! 1 eye hat head! Here to do some shopping.

SKINNER:             Oh. Well now. What do we have here? Are you another ghost?

CHAD:                   A…ghost? What the hell are you taking about dude? You got cobwebs in your capacitors?

SFX: CRASH. PARTS ROLL ON THE FLOOR.

SUSIE:                   Ummmm…the ghost did it.

CHAD:                   Get on over here kid…if you break anything we’re after we can’t fix Ella. Just sit still while I haggle with this lugnut. Look here are the parts I need.

SKINNER:             I cannot bring you the peace you require, spirit. Leave me be!

CHAD:                   Dude I’m not a ghost I’m flesh, muscle and 75% pissed off. Where’s your inventory?

SKINNER:             It’s not available to the departed. Kindly take your ectoplasm elsewhere.

CHAD:                   Look bro, you can get with the helpful or I can haul out your insides and turn you into a urinal.

SKINNER:             Kill me? Release me at long last? Hmmm… As welcome of a change that may be, I really should decline. Now, begone spirit! I cast you out! The power of Duncan repels you!

CHAD:                   I. AM. A. CUSTOMER.

SKINNER:             You have unfinished business? You died while shopping spirit?

SUSIE:                   Maybe we should play along? Do a ghost!

CHAD:                   I don’t even know how to do that…

SUSIE:                   You wave your arms around like you’re having a stroke or had some lemonade silly! OOOOOHHHHHHHH!

CHAD:                   Um. OHHHHHHHHHHH! I’M A GHOST DUDE! I’M THE GHOST OF APPALACHIA’S PAST OR SOMETHING! I’VE COME TO HAUNT FOR FUSION COILS AND RELAYS!

SKINNER:             Hmm! I knew it! No need to put on airs with me. Welcome to Duncan & Duncan’s, Appalachia’s premier robotics dealer. I am Skinner. How may I help you, alleged member of the living?

CHAD:                   I AM NOT LIVING….I’M A GHOOOOSSSSTTTT this is stupid.

SUSIE:                   No! You have to wave your arms around!

CHAD:                   (sighs) BOOOOOO! THIS SPIRIT REQUIRED PARTS AND STUUFFFFF BLABH BLAHHHH BLLAHHHHHH! SATAN STUFFFF AND THINGS!

SKINNER:             Unfortunately spirit, our in house inventory of components is low due an order filled for the United States military.

CHAD:                   SO GIVE MEEEEE A ROBOT TO DISMANTLE DUUUUUUDEEEEE BLAHHHHHHH!

SKINNER:             Any of our machines here have already been spoken for by the United States military. Just waiting for pick up. You understand.

CHAD:                   THEY’RE ALL GHOOSSTTTTSSS TOOOOOOOO DUDDEEEEE!

SKINNER:             They are? All of them? Well that won’t do. That won’t do at all…that means our order will never be picked up. (sighs) Here’s the access card. You’ll find everything upstairs. Mind you don’t touch the Silver Handy, that’s a special commission from Hubris Comics…who hopefully aren’t all ghosts.

CHAD:                   Finally…

SFX: DOOR OPENS. WALK UP STAIRS.

CHAD:                   Man…they’ve got the good stuff up here. Boys in brass always do.

SUSIE:                   Ohhh! Shiny!

CHAD:                   Don’t get anywhere near those damned trip lasers. Come on back here.

SFX: CARD KEY SCANNED. DOOR OPENS.

CHAD:                   Jackpot! Now we’re talking. This assaultron will have everything we need. Lay out your parts here along with Ella.

SFX: BAGS UNZIPPED.

CHAD:                   Gimme a bit to open up this robo chic curtain climber. See if that dude downstairs has a socket set.

SUSIE:                   Mmmm okay!

SFX: RUNNING.

SUSIE:                   If you go out to the woods today you’re in for a big surpriseeeeee (humming)

SKINNER:             Egads! Another spirit! Truly they come all in sizes. Now what?

SUSIE:                   Do you have ummm…

SKINNER:             What?

SUSIE:                   I forget. Hmmm… wrenches?

SKINNER:             Through there in the work room. This place is getting infested with the undead! Must call for an exorcist.

SFX: WALKING. DOOR OPENED.

SUSIE:                   Hmmm which one. I’ll just take them all! (Humming Teddy Bears picnic)

SFX: RUNNING UPSTAIRS.

SUSIE:                   I got it! I got it!

CHAD:                   Good enough….uhhh…don’t need that, or….ah! This one here.

SFX: SOCKET NOISES.

CHAD:                   Here we go. Gonna rig up a relay so we transfer Ella from her broken bits there and into these new bits here. This assaultron here will fit the bill!

SUSIE:                   Will it take long?

CHAD:                   Nah. Just gimme a bit…see if you can scav up anything laying around. Might as well rob the place before anyone else does.

SUSIE:                   YAY! WEEE OHHHHH! STICK EM UP!

SFX: WALKING. RUMMAGING.

SUSIE:                   Ohhh….that shiny robot would look real pretty in my petting zoo!

SFX: LASER TRIPWIRE ACTIVATES.

SFX: LASER TURRETS ENGAGE.

CHAD:                   AH! Hell what happened!

SUSIE:                   It was a ghost!

SFX: ELECTRICAL CIRCUITS BLOW.

CHAD:                   DAMN IT! Damned laser shot the board.

SFX: LASERS FIRE EVERYWHERE.

CHAD:                   It’s no good! Come on! Grab your gear and let’s go. Parts are busted.

SUSIE:                   What about Ella!

CHAD:                   We’ll find some more! Come on!

SFX: RUNNING STAIRS.

SKINNER:             Did you find everything you needed sir?

CHAD:                   Not…really. Look dude where the biggest place I can find robot parts round here?

SKINNER:             Well I suppose you could haunt RobCo, but it’s highly secure spirit. They’re bound to have salt barriers or wards.

CHAD:                   Sure. Yeah…RobCo. Come on kid, getting’ late. Let’s hoof it back down the dirt highway for home. We go a big opening tomorrow.

SUSIE:                   Sorry Ella…stupid lasers…

MEDIA: MUSIC TRANSITION.

SCENE 5: THE RED SLOE. INT. NIGHT.

SFX: CHATTER. DISHES. MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY.

AMATA:               You ready to order Solomon?

SOLOMON:         I would like some eggs.

AMATA:               Sure…we usually only serve those for breakfast but should be easy to do. How do you like them?

SOLOMON:         I like them gently surrounded in a half crown of cosmic energy, harvested from the Shoggoth under the lurid light of the red star.

AMATA:               Over easy?

SOLOMON:         Yes please. And some of those little pieces of toast.

AMATA:               You got it. ORDER UP! Need a Tekeli-li! Tekeli-li! And 4 shingles with a hair pickle!

JAKE:                     …I….what the hell is that?

AMATA:               We talked about this Jake. It’s diner lingo. Table 3. Mirelurk egg, over easy and 4 pieces of toast.

JAKE:                     Okay. Sure. Whatever…and what the hell is a hair pickle?

AMATA:               Just trying to see if you’re paying attention. (laughs)

JAKE:                     Stop that…

AMATA:               Stop what?

JAKE:                     Just…I don’t like to be touched right now.

AMATA:               It’s been months Jake. You’ve stabilized. Doc Martin says the necrosis has stopped. You won’t even let me hug you.

JAKE:                     I just….need some time. Please.

AMATA:               Well how much time?

JAKE:                     God I don’t know Amata. A few weeks ago my nose fell off into my cereal. I’m doing the best I can here.

AMATA:               I…sorry…geez…didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.

JAKE:                     That’s not it. I can’t feel anything. My nerve endings are shot. When you touch me there’s nothing. You may as well be making out with beef jerky.

AMATA:               I just…

JAKE:                     We can’t do this now. We have a full house tonight.

SFX: DOOR CHIME.

SFX: DOOR OPENS.

JAKE:                     (sighs) and it’s only getting fuller. Great. Looks like raiders. You seen them before?

AMATA:               Nope. New to me.

JAKE:                     I’ll keep an eye out.

AMATA:               Humph. I’ve got this.

SFX: WALKING.

AMATA:               Evening fellas. Having a good night?

ROPER:                 (wolf whistle) I am now.

LUGNUT:             Well look here boss she’s got napkins folded and everything (laughs). It’s so perty in here!

ROPER:                 You got a table with a view kitten?

AMATA:               Of the road or the septic tank out back? I’d recommend the road.

BROOKS:              Road is fine. How fast is the service here?

AMATA:               It’s fast enough. Specials are the fastest. Have a seat.

ROPER:                 That’ll do me just fine…name’s Roper…Miss?

AMATA:               Amata. That’s a first name…assuming yours is a last.

LUGNUT:             You can call me Lugnut.

AMATA:               I can see the resemblance.

LUGNUT:             She got a mouth on her Roper! Real spirited. (laughs)

ROPER:                 That’s enough Lugnut. This here is Brooks. He doesn’t talk much unless he’s prancing about the stage like a diva before almost bleeding out in just about the worst fail at a raid I’ve ever seen. (laughs)

BROOKS:              Yeah, yeah…shut up. What are the specials?

ROPER:                 Manners, manners. Before we get to all that…you get all sorts in and out of here, right?

AMATA:               Yeah?

ROPER:                 You got Raiders, Ghouls, even fools….and chances are a bright thing like you hears quite a bit.

AMATA:               Maybe. What’s it to you?

ROPER:                 Hey hey…no need to be hostile. I’m a pragmatist. Leader of a little family I call the Free Radicals.

AMATA:               Ohhhh catchy.

BROOKS:              Keep mocking us like that missy and we’ll see just how many ways long pig can be served up to these slack jawed locals.

ROPER:                 Shut it Brooks. I won’t ask again. You’re from a Vault right? Fancy PipBoy there and all?

AMATA:               Yeah. 76.

ROPER:                 76! Nice, nice…posh place. Can’t imagine what it must’ve been like for you folks to step on out the door and find not a damned person in sight. But you took care of your own.

AMATA:               I would kill for my own.

ROPER:                 Nice. So would I. Protect what’s yours…rest of the world…be damned. But every now and then families help each other. Now my boys…they’re…a little less civilized, but a big family has needs. And when we heard whispers of this Treasure of Appalachia, well we came on down to see what’s what.

AMATA:               Treasure of Appalachia? I haven’t heard anything about that.

ROPER:                 No?

AMATA:               No. We’ve had our hands full. But that’s news to me. Treasure is a little non-specific. What is it?

ROPER:                 And that right there kitten is what I’m hoping for. We’re not the first to arrive and we won’t be the last. I’d consider it a personal favor for you to keep your ears open.

AMATA:               And what exactly do I get?

ROPER:                 Get? My gratitude. And maybe, just maybe, my boys steer clear of this place.

AMATA:               Sorry…we only take exact change here. Now why don’t you head on outside, have a slice of pavement and beat it.

LUGNUT:             That’s it! Who the hell do you think you’re….

SFX: PLASMA RIFLE POWERS UP AND FIRES.

SFX: GOO PILE.

AMATA:               You want Lugnut to go? Should heat up fine as leftovers. This little lady here is a custom modified plasma pistol. Found some alien power cells and modified them to neutralize the bonds between molecules. Messy way to go.

JAKE:                     Is there a problem here?

ROPER:                 You just cost me my mechanic. (pause) No problem ghoul daddy. We’ll just be going. Remember what I offered you. Because if you’re not one of MY own…well…like the rest of the world… (blowing up noise with mouth). Have a great evening folks.

BROOKS:              This isn’t over. If he doesn’t come back…I will. I’m going to bleeeeeed you lady. Slow….

SFX: DOOR CLOSES.

AMATA:               Nothing to see here folks. Just raiders.

JAKE:                     Amata what the hell did you do?

AMATA:               We’ve faced giant bats, the literal plague, purgatory, jail, an unkillable serial killer and someone I’ve fairly certain was Satan. No raider walks his ass into my diner and threatens me.

JAKE:                     You murdered one of them.

AMATA:               So?

JAKE:                     They’re not from here. You killed someone for good Amata. Jesus Christ that person is permanently dead.

AMATA:               I…didn’t even think about it.

JAKE:                     NO! And that’s the point! Look at how casual we are now with it. You just atomized a raider gang member. You don’t know what this can start.

AMATA:               No. But I don’t care. Let them come. What can they possibly do that’s worse than things already are?

JAKE:                     Like me you mean.

AMATA:               No, I didn’t say that Jake. Jesus don’t put words in my mouth.

SFX: SMASHES DISHES.

JAKE:                     I remember.

AMATA:               What?

JAKE:                     I. Remember. I heard you.

AMATA:               What are you talking about.

JAKE:                     People in comas hear Amata. I heard you tell that STRANGER you had just met to kill me. Did he smother me with a pillow? No…he turned into a fucking WEREWOLF and disemboweled me.

AMATA:               …I…Jake…

JAKE:                     I…heard you. All of it. Every word about how inconvenient this was for you. Well I’m sorry my body being torn apart by radiation was a bummer for you. Real inconsiderate of me…but you made a decision to END me assuming I’d just come back on back and respawn right as rain. NONE of us, not one Resident that we’ve heard of has become a ghoul before. You had no idea of what would happen to me. You could’ve killed me stone dead and you didn’t even stop to think about it.

AMATA:               I didn’t know, but what was I supposed to do? I didn’t sign up to be a nurse Jake! Day in, day out, it was just me here trying to keep things together. IF YOU hadn’t invited Simon into our relationship…

JAKE:                     Don’t you dare…I’m going to stop you there, because anymore and this is the kind of conversation no couple recovers from. I’m done. I’m going to harvest more veggies.

AMATA:               Well, what about the orders?

JAKE:                     You think pretty fast on your feet. Sure you’ll figure it out.

SFX: DOOR SLAMS.

SFX: WALKING ON GRASS RECEEDES. FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.

BROOKS:              What are we waiting on. We can bust in there and clean out the place.

ROPER:                 Not yet. Our position is weak, we lost some good men taking the lumber yard and if memory serves me correctly Brooks, it was that same kind of hasty action leading em’ in that got them tore up by the supermutant packin’ a minigun.

BROOKS:             Well how was I supposed to know?

ROPER:                 Then what do you do? You take some of the boys and raid a playhouse? Really? You’re fuckin’ up Brooks…

BROOKS:              I’m tired of…

ROPER:                 (Angry) Fuckin’ up and my patience is wearing thin.  When you walked into Western Maryland, all wide eyed and stupid it was me that saved your skin. Why? Because I knew the name. Knew the name and figured, hey…this kid’s got connections…family…powerful family in powerful circles out in Point Pleasant. Black Sheep Brooks… bahhhhhhh.

BROOKS:              Stop it! You know I hate that. What are we waiting around for? We’ve got the lumber mill, let’s shake things down! Boys are getting restless. We’ve been searching for leads on this treasure for weeks and nothing. Not one of these clean skinned, blue jumpsuit wearing Vault 76 kiss asses knew a damned thing about it. So I say we stop chasing fairy tales and start TAKING territory. All the Raider gangs here are dead…it’s wide open and ripe for the picking.

ROPER:                 You say? I say we need resources. Saw some bright-eyed folks out at that farm we passed. In the morning I’m going pay my respects. And you, don’t ever, ever question my authority again. Or the hole you ended up in for the shankin’ incident will look like a weekend in Vegas compared to where I’ll send you.

MEDIA: MUSIC TRANSITION.

SCENE 6: RUSTY PICK. INT. NIGHT.

CHAD:                   Moose! Punch! Mama Marblesmouthwhatever! We’re back!

SFX: STAIRS. THUMPING AND CRASHING LAUGHING.

CHAD:                   What the sweet hell is…

SFX: WALL CRASH.

PUNCH:                Punch go longest! Wheeeee! Go crash boom!

SUSIE:                   What are you doing with your head in the wall Mr. Punch?

CHAD:                   What’s all the racket!?

MOOSE:               DUDE. BRO. DUE. THIS. IS. IT. I gave some trash to Mama over there and went to check on the distiller and by the time I came back she built THIS!

CHAD:                   What is it?

MAMA:                (Incoherently mumbling)

PUNCH:                She say build cow cow ride.

CHAD:                   A brahmin riding machine? This is…epic.

MOOSE:               Yeah! We call it the Mad Cow.

SUSIE:                   Ohhhhh! Can I try?

MOOSE:               Probably not a great idea squirt. We have this set for adults. You’ll get yeeted straight to Beckley on that setting.

SUSIE:                   Awwww…that’s no fun.

MAMA:                (Incoherent mumbling)

PUNCH:                Mole lady say she make you surprise.

SUSIE:                   Surprises! Oh I love  surprises! Come on Mama! I’ll show you my zoo and all my furry friends and some guy named Jeff!

CHAD:                   Punch dude did you fetch that gambling machine?

PUNCH:                Punch do! BRRRRRR!!! CHING! GLUG GLUG GLUG! He funny!

CHAD:                   What? Who funny?

SFX:

BIV:                        (Hiccup) Does it smell like alcohol down here, or is it just me?

CHAD:                   What the hell is that thing?

BIV:                        Biv's the name, drinking's the game. And I am in first place, doll!

CHAD:                   I’m a dude!

BIV:                        (Hicc  up) Uh, sorry. Hi, I'm Biv! And Biv E. Ridge is the #1 alcohol quality-testing Robobrain in all of Appyda- Appy- Appstay- Appalachia!

PUNCH:                Punch do bad? BAD PUNCH!

MOOSE:               No it’s cool dude! We can grab one of those things whenever this is way better. This thing has like recipes and stuff for all kinds of weird ass drinks. Here look, you cut yourself in the tunnel there?

CHAD:                   Yeah? Cut my arm on some old ass Camden Park sign.

MOOSE:               Here…BIV dude mix us up a Tick Blood Tequila.

BIV:                        One Tick Blood Tequila comin up! But you know what would REALLY grease my wheels? Nukashine…it’s long overdue for a BIV Quality Test. Hey you hear the one about the one armed waitress and the taxicab? I don’t….I don’t remember but how it goes but it’s a knee slapper (hiccup).

SFX: WHEELS OVER. BUBBLING AND COCKTAIL SHAKING.

CHAD:                   This thing’s a glorified cocktail machine? Kickass…

MOOSE:               Yeah! Like Punch and I can handle the kitchen and beer making and this dude can make fancier stuff for the highrollers. We might be able to con some of those Aristocrats over here from the Whitespring to throw their caps around.

CHAD:                   Genius.

BIV:                        I drank the first five just to be sure it’s safe. If I had eyes they’d be (hiccup) bleeding. Here you go kid! Bottom’s up! (Belch)

SFX: DRINKING.

CHAD:                   (Chokes) Jesus dude tastes like if a tomato was lit on fire and shoved down your throat. What’s in those?

MOOSE:               Who knows? How do you feel?

CHAD:                   I feel…full…weird…

MOOSE:               Okay. Now. Hit me.

CHAD:                   What?

MOOSE:               Come on dude…right here in the abs.

CHAD:                   You call those abs?

SFX: PUNCH.

SFX: HEARTBEAT AND WEIRD MAGIC NOISE.

CHAD:                   What the…? I feel…amazing. Like…best workout afterglow ever.

MOOSE:               Check out your cut.

CHAD:                   Gone….totally healed…what the HELL is in this stuff?

BIV:                        Tick Blood Tequila…hey, you ain’t gettin’ any cravins for blood are yah? That giggle water can make you want to BATer up. And don’t forget to say fangs before leaving the dinner table. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go drive into that wall for an hour. (Sings some random song)

SFX: CRASH HEARD.

CHAD:                   Is this dude permanently blitzed?

MOOSE:               It’s all natural…some berries waters… (coughs trying to hide) pure crimson flux.

CHAD:                   (Horrified) It’s got what in it?

MOOSE:               Don’t stress dude. How’d it go with the parts collecting?

CHAD:                   Bust-o bro. Ran into some laser issues. Toasted most of the part. I didn’t have the heart to tell her…Ella’s old board…completely toast now. I have a better chance of laying a pin up model than fixing this thing.

MOOSE:               She’s gonna be heartbroken dude! What are you going to tell her.

CHAD:                   I dunno. I’ll figure something out. Maybe I can try and find another somewhere. I think her Daddy worked at a department store in Charleston. I think she said they were in the kids section. But keep it quiet…I don’t want to crush her with it unless I have to.

SFX: DOOR KNOCK.

CHAD:                   Come on in! Doors open.

SFX: DOOR OPEN.

BROOKS:              This place open yet?

CHAD:                   Not till tomorrow dude, but we’ve got some cold ones on tap.

BROOKS:              That sounds great, but I saw this poster up by Point Pleasant. You lookin for a house band?

CHAD:                   Yeah dude. You play? Sing?

BROOKS:              A little of both. But I play mostly. Steel or acoustic guitar…some old school banjos, a little hot on the keys. Got my boys outside though if you want to have a listen.

MOOSE:               Hell yeah brother! Bring em on in!

SFX: DOOR OPENS.

BROOKS:              Bar’s open boys.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS. DOOR CLOSES.

DOGBREATH:     Look at this place! Right over there I made out with Molly Malone…man that was a night.

BROOKS:              This here’s Dogbreath. This dude is the fiercest guitarist in the Wastes! He played right here with Jesse White back in the day!

DOGBREATH:     You guys cleaned this place up nice. It was a dump back then too, this here is a good old fashion DIVE! (laughs)

CHAD:                   Right here? No shit. Nice to meet you dude.

BROOKS:              That dude back there is Razorhandle. He’s uhh….an okay drummer.

RAZORHANDLE: Pleased to make your acquaintance sir.

DOGBREATH:     You’re not in prison anymore 4 eyes, drop the sir. Jeez.

CHAD:                   Nice. You guys new in town?

BROOKS:              Yeah. Maryland.

CHAD:                   Maryland? You’re from out of the region?

BROOKS:              Yeah. Is that unusual? I heard you Vault people can’t leave or something?

CHAD:                   Guess so. Never tried. We just haven’t had any outsiders show up before. You camping near by?

BROOKS:              Nah, way up river. Took the boat down. Ol’ Dogbreath saw where the flyer was pointing people too and wouldn’t shut up about it for days. I thought Roper was going to cut him. (laughs)

CHAD:                   Roper is?

BROOKS:              Our boss…alpha dog. Leader of the Free Radicals.

DOGBREATH:     Biggest badass you’ll ever meet.

RAZORHANDLE: …ever meet. (awkward laugh)

CHAD:                   That your band name too? The Free Radicals?

BROOKS:              Might as well be. What do you think boys?

DOGBREATH:     What about the Dog’s Breakfast?

BROOKS:              Or Brooks and Radcats?

RAZORHANDLE: What about the Tonks.

DOGBREATH:     (pause) The what?

RAZORHANDLE: Like…the honkeytonks…but…cooler.

DOGBREATH:     God almighty…. (sighs) What’s the pay?

MOOSE:               50 caps a night plus tips.

BROOKS:              You’re killing me dude…this guy right here HAS the original setlist Jesse White was gonna play right outside there before everything went tits up. Take it from me. We’re pros.

CHAD:                   60 caps…

BROOKS:           100 caps a night…you won’t find any soft palmed, Vault suited plebs anywhere around here with the kind of experience and grit we have.

CHAD:                   You guys play cards?

BROOKS:              You’re kidding right?

CHAD:                   Let’s get the gambling going early in this place. You vs. me, ridin’ the Mad Cow. I win, you guys take 60 caps a night and don’t bug me again about it. I wasn’t born tomorrow…I know you guys are going to pickpocket the losers who get beer goggled in here…which is fine by me. You’ll be lining your pockets no matter what.

BROOKS:              And if I win, 100 caps a night and a no questions asked bar bill.

CHAD:                   Don’t push it dude. Let’s stick to the 100 caps a night and you guys can have ONE round a night on me. IF you can beat me.

BROOKS:              How do I know this is fair and not rigged?

CHAD:                   You don’t. So I’ll tell you what. Hey! Nukawheels!

BIV:                        (Hiccup) Me thinks the lady doth protest too much.

CHAD:                   Mix us up something totally random. Anything you want.

BIV:                        If there’s one thing I love….it’s (Hiccup) drinking. And I loveeeeeeeeeeeee drinkin.

SFX: MIXING SHAKING.

BIV:                        Liquor really fuels my charms, but believe it or not it also makes me say stupid things! Is it the same for you?

MOOSE:               I drink beer dude.

BIV:                        You know, I am so glad you're here. You are one of my very *hic* my very best friends.

MOOSE:               Uhhh…whatever. Just mix it.

CHAD:                   Anyone can ride a bull. That shot right there? Who knows if you’ll be riding it on fire or get so lightweight you yeet through the ceiling.

BROOKS:              (laughs) I like you…you know what didn’t catch your name?

CHAD:                   Chad. Chad Johnson. This here’s Moose, that green dude in the back is Punch. Anyone heckles you guys or happen to show up with veggies to toss around he’ll handle them. Now…let’s do this!

BROOKS:              Eh eh eh…let me go first.

BIV:                        Bottoms up!

SFX: DRINKING NOISE.

BROOKS:              Oooooof. NOW that is ALLLLL the hair off a dog. (coughs)

RAZORANDLE:   They say drinking gives you cancer.

DOGSBREATH:   Oh god shut up…you ready Brooks?

BROOKS:              As I’ll ever be.

CHAD:                   Fair enough dude! Get after it.

PUNCH:                Punch make go?

CHAD:                   Yeah dude…start him out slow. Don’t want to send him through a wall right off the bat. (laughs)

BROOKS:              Gimme a beat boys!

RAZORHANDLE: Do you have drumsticks? I need my favorite drumsticks.

DOGSBREATH:   Just use whatever’s there. What’s the problem?

RAZORHANDLE: These other ones chaff my hands and get all slippery.

SFX: BULL FIRES UP.

MEDIA: BAND PLAYS.

BROOKS:              WOOOOOO! LET’S GOOOOOO!

CHAD:                   We goin’ too easy on yah brother? You want a soft pillow or somethin’? Maybe a hug? (laughs)

BROOKS:              You kiddin’? I’m fallin’ asleep on this thing! Open er up!

CHAD:                   You sure about that?

PUNCH:                PUNCH GO!

SFX: SWITCH THRONE. LIGHTS DIM.

SFX: BULL SPINS OUT OF CONTROL.

BROOKS:              H….H…..H…OLLDDDD UPPPPPPPP SOMEEEEETHINGGGGGGGG WRONNGGGGGG (Brooks continues yelling as he’s thrown about)

SFX: ELECTRICITY ARKS.

MOOSE:               Ummmm…that dude has lightning comin’ out of him!

CHAD:                   Yo! Punch bowl head. What’d you give him?

BIV:                        High voltage heffer….high….high voltage heffi….hefferwi… (hiccup) Heffe.

BROOKS:              OKKKKAAAYYYYYYY IIIIIIII YIELDDDDDD DAMN ITTTTTT….LETTTT MEE OFFF THISSSS STUPIDDDD THINGGGGG.

CHAD:                   Okay Punch! Switch er off.

SFX: SWITCH THROWN. BULL BUCKS OUT OF CONTROL.

PUNCH:                Switch no go. Stupid switch.

BROOKS:              STOOOOPPPPP!

MOOSE:               I think the electricity shorted the thing out.

CHAD:                   God damn it…gimme that fire ax. Switch or no I’ll fix it.

SFX: AX SWING. PANEL SMASHES.

SFX: BULL WINDS DOWN GEARS GRINDING TO A HALT.

SFX: BODY FALL.

CHAD:                   You okay dude?

BROOKS:              That was….the most fun I’ve had in a LONGGGGG TIME! WOOO! Oh…my head.

CHAD:                   (laughs) You know what. This thing’s busted….and there’s no way I can top that. Any dude who can get whipped around like that like a newb in a scorched beasts mouth without tossing his cookies is BroFit certified. 100 caps it is.

BROOKS:              Deal. Come on boys…let’s give ‘em a taste of our toons and bring the Honkeytonk back to this dive bar! 1! 2! A 1, 2! WOOOOOOH!

SFX: GUITAR RIFFS AND DRUMS.

MEDIA: HONKEYTUNE TOON KICKS OFF

PUNCH:                Punch get Mama to fix toy. Stupid meatbags break Punch’s fun….Punch no ride.

MOOSE:               What do you think?

CHAD:                   Think? Look around you dude. This is great! Listen to them! They’re kick ass! Except that drummer.

MOOSE:               He sucks.

CHAD:                   Dude should drown himself.

PATSY:                  I’m baaaaaaaaaack! And I got a whole bunch of ingredients. You guys are all into beer? I am going to make Atomic Skincare! All the rads for that youthful glow.

MOOSE:               Hey babe! Uhhh….won’t that melt your face?

PATSY:                  Oh my god! Like not for me!? Gag me with a molerat. The stupid people. They’ll buy anything. Here! Take all these bags to our room. I need a drink like nobody’s business.

SUSIE:                   Chad! Chad! Look! Look what Mama made me!

CHAD:                   Ohhhh! A teddy bear. He’s…. different. With his…3 arms and…does that thing have human teeth?

SUSIE:                   Isn’t he pretty? Look he can talk!

BEAR:                    HU HUCK! I’m honeypot bear! And if there’s one thing I love it’s that honey! Let’s go look for it in your neighbors house!

SUSIE:                   Silly bear…we don’t have any neighbors…

CHAD:                   Hey that’s great. I know Ella meant a lot to you….

SUSIE:                   Honeypot bear is just a toy, but Ella’s a forever friend! Maybe this weekend we can go to that RobCo place? I miss her lots and lots!

CHAD:                   Uh…sure. We can do that. We got the big opening night tomorrow but after that okay?

PATSY:                  Hey! What’s this thing? Is it like…a ride or something?

CHAD:                   Hop on up here.

SUSIE:                   Okay!

CHAD:                   You like the music?

SUSIE:                   Uh huh! I can do a boppy boppy dance to it!

SFX: BULL KICKS OFF.

PATSY:                  Umm…my foot’s stuck. Moose!

CHAD:                   Yeah it’s pretty great. My Daddy used to play some old honkeytonk records. But this here’s better than a record player. This time tomorrow night this place will be packed!

PATSY:                  OH MY GOD HELP!

CHAD:                   Yeah…this is gonna be great here.

SFX: BULL ACCELERATES. MAKES MAD COW NOISES.

PATSY:                  IT’S MOVING! I THINK IT’S BROKE! MOOSE! CHAD! GOD DAMN IT DON’T JUST SIT THERE! AHHHHHHHH!

CHAD:                   I can finally feel it…

SFX: BULL BUSTS THROUGH THE SIDE WALL INTO THE YARD. PATSY FADES INTO DISTANCE.

PATSY:                  GET ME OFF! SOMEONE GET ME OFF THIS THING!!!!

SUSIE:                   Feel what?

CHAD:                   That we’re home.

SFX: MUSIC CONTINUES. FADES.

SCENE 7: ROADWAY. EXT. NIGHT.

SFX: CRICKETS CHIRPING. CLOMPING.

SLICK WILLY:       First it was that rascal taking Willy’s name and opening some confangled water park, them Vault-Tec people injecting Willy with god knows what. Then them addle-headed Vault Buggers taking all of Willy’s workshops! And just as Ol’ Willy was settling it came those shadows, thunder and damnation and that witch! And Mama…Mama who whispers sweet nothings in Willy’s ear then fed him into that infernal machine…broke ol’ Willy’s heart, working for Olllll Scratch! Well Ol’ Willy’s HAD IT! This here Willy’s tollbooth pit trap camp will fix em well and good! YOU HEAR ME APPALACHIA! YOU KISS OL WILLY’S PIMPLY ASS! YOU TELL EM TO BRING IT!

SFX: ENGINE ROARS IN THE DISTANCE.

SLICK WILLY:       What in thunder?

SFX: MOTORCYCLE RUMBLES.

SLICK WILLY:       Hey! Hey! Stop for the toll! 125 caps!

SFX: MOTORCYCLE SOARS BY.

SLICK WILLY:       She jumped my pit! HEY! YOU GET BACK HERE YOU LONG EARED HUSSY!

SFX: MOTORCYCLES SKIDS TO A STOP.

ATOMIC ALICE:  What’s the haps pops?

SFX: EYEBOT CHIRPING.

ATOMIC ALICE:  I know right MOLL-E? Get a load of this old timer. I think they discontinued his blood type (laughs).

SLICK WILLY:       You ran plumb through my toll!

ATOMIC ALICE:  Oh, I did huh? Nice setup you got here. You gonna hit me with some punji boards or something and rob me? (laughs) When I’m done with you, there won’t be enough left of you to snore.

SLICK WILLY:       Now look here! You owe Willy 125 caps! This here is WILLY’S ROAD! Now git on over there and run that gas wagon through the toll there.

ATOMIC ALICE:  Cool it gramps. I’ll take care of the toll. But first looking for some info. I passed some new houses…this Diehards territory still?

SLICK WILLY:       What the hell’s a Diehard?

ATOMIC ALICE:  Guess not huh. Margie? Ring any bells? Whose territory is this now? The Cutthroats?

SLICK WILLY:       Raiders? They’re pushin’ up daisies. They’ve long been dead and gone.

ATOMIC ALICE:  What? All of them? Gourmands? The Trappers?

SLICK WILLY:       Dead, dead and dead. You got snot in yer ears! Now where’s my money!

SFX: EYEBOT CHIRPING.

ATOMIC ALICE:  I know MOLL-E…can’t believe it.

SFX: BOTTLE OPENED.

ATOMIC ALICE:  Here’s to yah legends.

SFX: DRINK. POUR On GROUND.

ATOMIC ALICE:  And this drinks on me. Hey, you heard anything about this Treasure of Appalachia? People have been buzzin about it whole states away.

SLICK WILLY:       Treasure? Treasure you say? A Treasure HERE? Right under Willy’s nose?

ATOMIC ALICE: Guess not.

SLICK WILLY:       Who in the hell are yah anyway?

ATOMIC ALICE:  They call me Atomic Alice.

SLICK WILLY:       Cuz you gots that big stupid hair? HOOOOO WHEEEE!

ATOMIC ALICE:  Yeah. Big stupid hair huh. Tell you what pops…

SFX: MOTORCYCLE KICKSTAND DOWN. BAG UNZIPPED. FAT MAN EQUIPPED.

ATOMIC ALICE:  How about you pay MY toll?

SFX: EYEBOT BATTLE DRUMS.

SLICK WILLY:       Well hold one there! You just hold on now! Go on through! Drive along now! Git!

ATOMIC ALICE:  What do you think MOLL-E? Giv the old fart a…30 second head start? Get runnin’ gramps. Time to tuck you into bed. (laughs)

SFX: FAT MAN LOADED.

SLICK WILLY:       Not again! Feets don’t fail Willy now!

ATOMIC ALICE:  1….2…..3…..4…..5…..6…..7……8…..9…..10….

SLICK WILLY:       I’ll git you!

ATOMIC ALICE:  30.

SFX: FAT MAN FIRES.

SLICK WILLY:       No no no! WHY YOU LITTLE…

SFX: EXPLOSION

ATOMIC ALICE:  10 outta 10! Blew the old coot right out of his boots! This shack got a CAPS hoard MOLL-E?

SFX: EYEBOT SCANNING. PAUSE. CHIRPING.

ATOMIC ALICE:  Score! Here we go….what? 15 measly caps? Hold up….Nukashine? Let’s bag this up for the road. Huh? What’s this? Rusty Pick Roadhouse and Bar. Grand Opening. Live music. Gambling. That sounds like a blast! We can get the scoop on what the hell happened around here.

SLICK WILLY:       HEY! YOU GET OUT OF WILLY’S TOLLBOOTH!

ATOMIC ALICE:  What the hell? I blew him to bits! What gives!

SFX: SHOTGUN BLAST HITS SIDE OF THE BARN.

ATOMIC ALICE:  That’s impossible! Let’s get out of here.

SFX: EYEBOT CHIRPING.

ATOMIC ALICE:  Tie on MOLL-E!

SFX: SHOTGUN BLAST HITS DIRT.

SLICK WILLY:       DAMNED CATARACTS! HOLD STILL YOU SPIKEY HAIRED SHE DEVIL!

SFX: GUNSHOT. GRAVEL SPRAYS.

SFX: MOTORCYCLE ROARS TO LIFE. PEELS OUT SPRAYING GRAVEL.

SLICK WILLY:       MY CATARACTS! I’LL GIT YOU YET!

ATOMIC ALICE:  Here’s a little something for the road!

SFX: GRENADE TOSSED. BOUNCES.

SLICK WILLY:       Welp. Shit.

SFX: GORY EXPLOSION.

SFX: ENGINE ROARS. EYEBOT CHIRPS. WIND WHIPS AS THE MOTORCYLE SPEEDS SOUTH TOWARDS THE RUSTY PICK.

ATOMIC ALICE:  Yeah MOLL-E. It’s good to be home. (laughs) Wait till they get a taste of Atomic Alice!

SFX: MOTORCYCLE SPEEDS AWAY. CRICKETS CHIRP.

SCENE 8: D & D ROBOTICS. INT. NIGHT.

SKINNER:             What a horrible mess. I hope that’s the last time we get poltergeists in here messing up the place! Mr. Duncan would be ever so cross.

SFX: ELECTRICAL HUMMING.

SFX: SOMETHING FALLS.

SKINNER:             Hmmm? Sprits! I have no more time for this nonsense. Cross over already! This is AFTER business hours!

SFX: KEYCARD SWIPED. DOORS OPENED.

SKINNER:             Hello? Who’s in here?

SFX: ROBOTIC NOISE HEARD SOFTLY.

SKINNER:             Begone spirit! I grow weary of these games!

SFX: ASSAULTRON HEAD POWERS UP, BUILDING…

SKINNER:             What is….no…..no! That’s impossible!

SFX: ELLA’S VOICE. POWERFUL. DEEP AND DISTORTED.

ELLA:                     Sir? Engaging target. Running elimination subroutines!

SKINNER:             You’ve possessed the body of proprietary military technology that belongs to the United States military! Get out of there!

ELLA:                     (singing) ….beneath the trees where nobody sees….they hide and seek as long as they please….

SFX: ASSAULTRON BLAST AND SKINNER IS BLOWN TO PIECES.

SKINNER:             Get ackkkkkkkkk (voice distorts as he’s ripped apart)

SFX: ELECTRICAL POPS AND SHORTS.

ELLA:                     (singing) …and that’s the way the teddy bears have their picnic….

SFX: POWERFUL CLOMPING LEGS RECEEDE. WALL SMASH IS HEARD. NIGHT NOISES FADE IN AS SHE CLOMPS AWAY.

KEN:                      Our story continues in episode 14, “Raiders At The Rusty Pick”. Until then, and as always I hope to see you in the Wasteland.

SFX: OUTRO MUSIC.