CAST & VOICE TALENT

• Alexander Luthor ~ Chad Johnson
• Kenneth Vigue ~ Narrator, Simon Rex, Mothman
• Paul M Watson ~ Jake White (to line 1370)
• George Wolf ~ Jake White (line 1387 on)
• Taylor Jinx Knight ~ Amata Hayes
• Clint Winberry ~ Moose Miller
• Christian Mower ~ Mr. Handy, Protectron, Vendor, Punch, The Night Wolf
• Jessica Marie Dickey ~ Patsy Parker, Connie
• Jessica Duval ~ Susie/Ella, Tiffany
• Kevin Chenard ~ District Attorney Fletcher
• Mary Kalopodes-Saunders ~ Marjorie
• Dr. Mark Hauswirth ~ The Flatwoods Monster
• Robert Solomon ~ High Priest, Michael
• Cody Hightower ~ Hugo Warren
• Joseph Picard ~ Harold
• Dave Chaffins ~ Cletus
• Adam Silva ~ Jethro
• Brent Fairchild ~ Doc C. J. Martin
• Kadin Lightel ~ Hick
• Carli Bai ~ Cindy

Written By: Kenneth Vigue & George Wolf

KEN:                      This is Kenneth Vigue. We are back with yet another tale from Appalachia, the roots of which stretch all the way back to the beginning of our stories. This episode, titled, “Cryptid Creeps” I outlined as part of season 1, but for one reason or another just could not get it right. At last, the right elements and inspiration fell into place and we at last are thrilled to present this episode co-written with me by our new writer George Wolf. Before we start our tale, I wanted to also ask how you are doing and I hope you are doing well. It has been a year now since a strange, Hollywood-like nightmare pandemic started ravaging the globe and impacting our lives loss and fear of loss, as well as financial tolls from loss of employment and the psychological toll due to being disconnected from one another for safety’s sake. If you find yourself cut off and just want to play or talk, you’re always welcome to come hang with us on Discord and have some adventures in Fallout 76. Now on with our story. Following the events that saw the destruction of Camp Wannagrindalot and hopefully the death of the Sickleman, Simon, Jake, and Amata return home to the Red Sloe diner, while Chad and the gang find themselves wandering the Ash Heap looking for a more permanent home. With no further leads on the keys to unlock the secret of Project Lazarus, Simon takes up a job to make some caps. His new employers are not what you would expect…row a little faster because I hear banjos…but also keep your eyes to the skies and in the bushes for the terrifying and impossible monsters of Appalachia. We open in Berkley Springs, on a scenic cliffside spot. It is October 16^th, 2077, and the Apocalypse is rapidly approaching. Two star crossed lovers looking for a thrill will come face to face with an Appalachian legend and the consequences will be dire. As always, remember that this post-apocalyptic podcast contains some foul language, dark humor and depictions of well warranted violence. Proceed through the Vault door at your own risk.

                                                SCENE 1: EXT. BERKELEY SPRINGS CLIFFS – OCTOBER 16^th, 2077

SFX: PICKUP TRUCK PULLS UP STOPS.

MICHAEL:            Well, here we are Cindy! Prime camping spot.

CINDY:                  Gosh I don’t know Mike…it’s awful dark out here and that weird man at the gas station warned us not to go down this road. And the hot dog from that Larry guy tasted funny.

MICHAEL:            Ah! That guy is the skids Cindy. His elevator doesn’t go all the way up. This place is perfect! My old man used to take me out here hunting.

CINDY:                  When I suggested we go camping this weekend I thought we’d go someplace with some clean facilities like Spruce Knob, what are we doing out here by Berkeley Springs? It’s so dark…

MICHAEL:            Exactly! No lights anywhere from way up here on the cliffside…perfect to catch some shooting stars. Our own private show! Look! I promised your Pa I’d hold your virtue (giggle)…

CINDY:                  Don’t be cheeky Mike!

MICHAEL:            …so I setup two tents. One for you, one for me. And if you happen to sleepwalk into mine…

CINDY:                  You watch your mouth there Michael Templeton! Last fella who put the moves on me was Fast Eddie and he got a fat lip!

MICHAEL:            Come on, let’s climb in the back here. Tailgate down…got some ice cold Nuka Cola Quantums in the cooler.

CINDY:                  Oooh! This metal is cold.

MICHAEL:            Hold up…I’m no cad…allow me madame…you can wear my jacket. There. Better?

CINDY:                  Mmm….this is nice.

MICHAEL:            Now…look at that! What a sky…the weather tonight is perfect…perfect views along the cliff and down below.

CINDY:                  Perfect? Perfect for what?

MICHAEL:            Just…perfect…for chillin’ you know? Getting with the struggle cuddles.

CINDY:                  Hold up there…I know that look. What’s the real deal here? Why did you bring me to this spot.

MICHAEL:            Look, some of the fellas said…

CINDY:                  Damn it Mike! Is this about that stupid Sheepsquatch again!

MICHAEL:            Well some of the guys were talking in the locker room Shawn mentioned that some old couple a few weeks back were passing along the road here when some gigantic beast with horns came tearing out of the trees right in front of their car! They swerved, smashed up the car real good and took off running as the thing started smashing into the rear of the car. HAS to be the Sheepsquatch!

CINDY:                  Right. You know how I feel about this supernatural stuff Mike. Enjoy your sheep monster thing…I’m going to find a phone and call my folks.

MICHAEL:            No, no! Come on Cindy…that wasn’t the ONLY reason for bringing you out here. You’re the only girl I have eyes for…but this is exciting! Imagine being the first people to photograph this thing. You and me…together. It’s a little bit dangerous…gets the blood pumping, but doesn’t the dark and that little bit of the fear on the back of your neck make you feel ALIVE? Just SO alive!

CINDY:                  Well….I don’t…

MICHAEL:            Alright! Compromise. One night. If we don’t see a single hoof print or hear one creepy call tomorrow morning you and me will grab some breakfast, head on down to Spruce Knob and I’ll rent us a boat for the day and we’ll camp out on one of those little islands you love. Deal?

CINDY:                  Deal!

MICHAEL:            Here….let’s toast. To you and me and going steady for 3 months!

                                                                SFX: BOTTLE CAPS

CINDY:                  To us!

                                                                SFX: ANGRY GOAT SCREAM

CINDY:                  MIKE!

MICHAEL:            What the fuck….

CINDY:                  Mike! Language!

MICHAEL:            Shhh shhh…what was that…that didn’t sound like a sheep…

                                                                SFX: THUMPING. TREES CRASHING.

CINDY:                  What is that Mike?! I’m scared!

MICHAEL:            Pass me the camera Cindy! Quick!

                                                                SFX: THUMPING CLOSER. ANGRY GOAT SCREAM.

CINDY:                  It’s getting closer…

MICHAEL:            Damn! Where’d these clouds come from…lost the moonlight…

                                                                SFX: EERIE SILENCE.

CINDY:                  (Whispering) Mike…I’m scared…let’s get out of here!

MICHAEL:            Shhh! (Quietly) I think I hear something…

                                                                SFX: HEAVY LABORED BREATHING.

CINDY:                  It’s close….Mike please…

MICHAEL:            Shhh…I’m going to snap my camera light. Be ready to run. Ready? NOW!

                                                                SFX: CAMERA FLASH

CINDY:                  (Scre ams)

                                                                SFX: ANGRY GOAT SCREAM

MICHAEL:            Oh shit! Oh shit!

                                                                SFX: QUILS. BLOOD SPURT.

CINDY:                  Mike! NOOOOOOO!!!

MICHAEL:            (Dying) …Cin….run….run….

                                                                SFX: DEATH RATTLE.

CINDY:                  HELP!

                                                                SFX: ANGRY GOAT SCREAM.

                                                                SFX: THUNDERING HOOVES GETTING CLOSER.

CINDY:                  JESUS CHRIST NO! NO! GET AWAY!

                                                                SFX: QUILS. ANGRY GOAT SCREAM ECHOING.

                                                                MEDIA: THEME SONG.

                                                SCENE 2: EXT. RED SLOE DINER

SFX: WALKING.

SIMON:                (Laughing) No no. That’s complete bullshit.

JAKE:                     I swear! I didn’t know where the fuck you got off to. So I’m creeping down this side tunnel, still soaking wet and covered in god knows what when all of a sudden I hear 3 supermutants clomping up the tunnel ahead.

SIMON:                Well I think I see where this is going…

JAKE:                     So I turn around to book it back the other way and I hear another group coming up behind me.

SIMON:                Anything good in the Atomic Shop Purgatory this week?

JAKE:                     Oh ha ha. No, I didn’t die.

SIMON:                So, you started blasting?

JAKE:                     No! Shut up and let me tell the damned story.

SIMON:                Okay okay. Proceed then.

JAKE:                     So I’m looking around and there’s a pile of trash and an old trash can.

SIMON:                Find anything good?

JAKE:                     A typewriter and a hairbrush.

SIMON:                Top dollar junk right there.

JAKE:                     Right, so, quick as I can, I climb on in and stay as quiet as a mouse. So I hear a bunch of them pass…and then this big dude in the back walks by…stops…sniffs and said in this gruff voice, (mutant voice) “Mmmm…smell puny human.”

SIMON:                Jeez…

JAKE:                     So I use my laser pisol and cut some leg holes in the bottom of the can and of course the dude hears it and starts walking back. He’s all like, “Puny human in metal can! Make you DEAD!”

SIMON:                (Laughs) sorry…mental image of you waddling away as a trash can in a daring escape. Continue.

JAKE:                     So in my best robot voice I say, (robot voice) “POWERING UP…..PROTECT-TRONNN.” And slowly raise the can up with my legs. The supermutant stops and I slowly turn and start waddling away saying, “SEWAGE SANITATION MODE ACTIVATED. INITIATING SCRUBBING MODE.” He just stands there for a minute…any moment I figure he’s going to just club the shit out of the can and then he mutters, “Stupid metal man. Supermutant hate metal man.” Then he turns and clomps away. What a fucking goober.

SIMON:                (Laughs) Classic Jake.

JAKE:                     Where did you go anyway?

SIMON:                The place was a maze down there, turned a corner and when I looked back I’d completely lost you. Stumble on this transponder thing and the next thing I know some asshole starts yelling at me through my PipBoy and before I know it wave after wave of  supermutants start flooding the tunnel. If it weren’t for that minigun we found inside that cave cricket I would’ve been toast.

JAKE:                     It sucks that it was just another dead end chasing down those code keys.

SIMON:                …but at least you found that Super Reactor plan.

JAKE:                     We needed a new power source for the Diner anyway after expanding the dining area. The fucking noise those 10 generators make out back is worse than your snoring.

SIMON:                Hey, you and Amata take all the damned pillows and blankets. Besides, I don’t complain about you waking us up every hour to make Dad noises while going for a glass of water.

JAKE:                     Let me play my petite sad violin really quick. So you’re a little chilly…I wake up every hour because the way she sleeps I wake up with her damned hair in my face and mouth.

SIMON:                Hey you’re the one who whines if you don’t get to be the big spoon.

JAKE:                     (Awkward) Yeah…

AMATA:               HEY! There you two are!

JAKE:                     Back in one piece! No key, but wait until you see what we found! Come here you. (Kisses)

SIMON:                Got one of those for me?

AMATA:               What?

SIMON:                I was talking to him.

AMATA:               (Awkward) Oh ha ha. Jeez…you two stink. Get showered round back and then come grab some dinner. Almost done with my new recipe. Fish sticks in a cornmeal batter.

JAKE:                     Fish sticks? You caught fish? Even when swimming I only have seen a few left.

AMATA:               A mirelurk tried to kick in the back door, so I unloaded some plasma into it. Fixed the door but I had 500 pounds of seafood to try and do something with all over the kitchen floor.

JAKE:                     Ehm…keep plate warm for us. I’m not spending another night with black diesel clouds floating through the wall keeping us up. Look here.

AMATA:               Holy shit! This is a super reactor blueprint! We’ll be able to light the kitchen better and even have enough wattage leftover to setup some security. Wait…look at how much materials this has. We don’t have anywhere near enough. Some of these materials are really rare.

SIMON:                I am NOT claiming a workshop to extract that stuff. Last time I got anywhere one it didn’t end so well. Why don’t we just buy the materials off one of the train station vendors?

JAKE:                     I’m loaded for bear with junk weapons and other stuff. We’ve just been hoarding this trash.

SIMON:                (Groans) Train station run? We’ve just walked 12 miles.

JAKE:                     Train station run.

SIMON:                That’s a 2-day journey and who knows what he’s going to have when we get there.

JAKE:                     Rock, paper, scissors?

SIMON:                For fuck’s sake…okay. 1, 2, 3, shoot

JAKE:                     1, 2, 3, shoot!

SIMON:                Well shit.

JAKE:                     Here…take my pack. I’ve got all kinds of shit in there.

SIMON:                Fine. I’ll be the gopher. What are you going to do?

JAKE:                     I can get started on fabricating what I can with what we have on hand. We can finish it up when you get back.

SIMON:                Great. Well…wish me luck. Oh! Almost forgot.

                                                                SFX: DOOR OPENS.

SIMON:                Dinner to go!

                                                                SFX: CHEWING NOISES.

AMATA:               Well?

SIMON:                It tastes like an old shoe soaked in butter.

AMATA:               Right on brand then for the Red Sloe. It’s going on the menu!

SIMON:                Behave yourselves. See you in a few days!

AMATA:               Bye!

AMATA:               (Quietly) So, did you tell him?

JAKE:                     (Awkward) Uhhh…no. We were kind of busy down there.

AMATA:               What? Why not??? I told you. It can’t happen again.

JAKE:                     No! I know, I know. It’s just…God why does this have to be so complicated. What the hell am I supposed to tell him?

AMATA:               I don’t know Jake! Can’t you just say it was kind of a one-time deal?

JAKE:                     Except it wasn’t…

AMATA:               We’d been drinking…

JAKE:                     Only the first time…

AMATA:               Well were YOU into it?

JAKE:                     NO! God no…the three of us have always been close, but that was…

AMATA:               It just felt….weird…

JAKE:                     …it was definitely weird. And hey I’m as open minded as the next guy and always wondered what side of the fence I was on, but being with you feels right. It always has. With the three of us, I didn’t feel anything afterward. What you and I have built is important to me. Special. And call me old fashioned but I don’t like sharing my sandbox.

AMATA:               (Awkward laugh) Sandbox huh? Yeah I don’t like sharing your shovel either. (Sighs) I love the both of you…I always have. The three of us have always had a connection but the connection you and I have is different. And I don’t even think for him this is about love. For him it’s been emotion and affection of ANY kind. He’s been lonely as long as I’ve known him. You look at him, you look into his eyes and he’s so far away. Honestly at times it scares me…it’s like he’s here and somewhere else all the time. The first time was okay…it helped bring us as close together as we were in the Vault, but the more I thought about it and those other times it just felt empty. I don’t want empty. I want you.

JAKE:                     I still don’t know what I’m going to say.

AMATA:               Well…you have a few days to figure it out. Come on…let’s scrub you up. You reek. Then we can eat an awful dinner on the porch and watch the sunset.

JAKE:                     That’s not the sunset dear…it’s a nuke drop on the Whitespring. I think the Aristocrats pissed someone else off.

AMATA:               Appalachia…am I right?

JAKE:                     Gotta love it.

                                                                MEDIA: TRANSITION MUSIC

                                                                SCENE 3: INT. FIRESTATION.

PROTECTRON:   Welcome to the Charleston Fire Department. We currently are experiencing several fatalities. Would you like to join the exciting volunteer fire brigade? Say Yes to begin or other for more options.

CHAD:                   Now look here you red faced trash can. I don’t got no time for your short dick fetch quests. So scoot your toaster sided ass on back there and get me some firefighter’s gear.

PROTECTRON:   (short circuit) You selected: my home is engulfed in flames and I have a sexually transmitted disease.

CHAD:                   What? No? What the fuck are you talking about? Other! Other!

PROTECTRON:   If your home is currently engulfed in flames, we recommend (short circuit) choking on steak au poivre results in 15 fatalities each summer in Charleston. Firstly, bring the choking victim to a standing position and position yourself behind them and grasp them tightly around the (short circuit) sexually transmitted disease can be an embarrassing and…

                                                                SFX: LOUD SMASH

CHAD:                   Dude if there is one thing I hate out here it’s deal with these god damned robots.

                                                                SFX: FAST WALKING

TIFFANY:              HEY! YOU! WANNA TALK FOR A BIT!

CHAD:                   Ah! Jesus fuck. Where did you come from?

TIFFANY:              I’ve been working hard on my studying.

CHAD:                   You chase that meat wagon lady.

TIFFANY:              Are you here to become a Fire Breather too?

CHAD:                   Nah. I’m here for caps and tail.

TIFFANY:              Wow! You want to get to know me?

CHAD:                   …uhh…no?

TIFFANY:              Any day now though, you’ll be calling me Tiffany “The Fire Breather” Brantley.

CHAD:                   That’s doubtful.

TIFFANY:              I can’t wait to eliminate my first scorched.

CHAD:                   Your FIRST? What the hell have you been doing all this time?

TIFFANY:              I’ve been working hard on my studying.

CHAD:                   Yeah. You uh….you okay there sister? You look like you’ve been straight up eatin’ the Johnny Red Eye.

TIFFANY:              Chems? How DARE you suggest something of the sort. CHEMS are BAD. I’m a BAD, BAD girl. Bad girls can’t be firefighters.

CHAD:                   Okay spaz. Tell you what…you keep on keepin’ on and I’m going to fuck off to anywhere else.

TIFFANY:              I LOVE TALKING ABOUT THE FIRE BREATHERS!

CHAD:                   Whatever.

TIFFANY:              NOTICE ME! NOTICEEEEEE MEEEEEEEE!

                                                                SFX: WALKING

                                                                SFX: BELL RINGING

CHAD:                   MOOSE! Get down off there bro. What are you doing?

MOOSE:               I love fire trucks dude! I’ve always wanted to make the siren go! Awww man…things busted. Just like everything else around here.

PATSY:                  The place smells like a garage.

CHAD:                   Because it IS a garage. We’re in a fire station Pats.

PATSY:                  What are we doing here anyway?

CHAD:                   That bullshit Watoga Willie’s bar and strip club place turned me down. We would’ve been swimming in caps, but that dickhead Dutch said I had no gimmick. I get one of those sweet ass fireman outfits and it’ll be raining bottlecaps for us.

PATSY:                  This place is groddy. That Dutch guy has picked up so many diseases I think he has plague walker.

MOOSE:               Won’t that be uncomfortable?

CHAD:                   What?

MOOSE:               Bro people pour caps down your pants.

CHAD:                   Yeah…we’re gonna need to rob some plebs hoping for some ballistic fiber junk. Hope you’re handy with a needle and thread Pats. I’m going to need to reinforce my hot pants.

PATSY:                  I don’t sew! And even if I did I’m not sewing armor into your underwear. It’s been 2 years out here and I’m still looking for a clean pair of panties. This place sucks.

MOOSE:               Don’t be so down babe. With all the water we’ve been stealing from those lame-oids camps I’ll run you a nice a hot bath tonight.

PATSY:                  But last time it was too cold!

MOOSE:               I’ll warm you up my little…

PATSY:                  No Moose. Last time I caught a fucking cold and DIED. Like I came back to life wearing a a beekeeper’s outfit. What’s up with that?

MOOSE:               Fine. Fine. Jeez. I’ll use the flamethrower for a bit on the tub. Warm it right up.

CHAD:                   Hey! Where’s the kid? You were supposed to be watching her.

PATSY:                  Don’t be such a Mom Chad…Jesus. She’s hanging out at that old house over there with Punch.

CHAD:                   Sun’s setting. This place is a bust. Come on gang, we need to find a place to settle in for the night.

                                                                SFX: WALKING. WIND BLOWS.

PUNCH:                What’s that smell? (cough)

CHAD:                   Ashes. This whole area went tits up before the war broke out. My Daddy use to work for them Hornrights in the mines. Grade A dickheads, strip mined the whole area and mine fires cooked everything below ground.

PATSY:                  There’s nothing out here. Why are we here?

CHAD:                   BECAUSE Pats, every time we go to plop down our CAMP and start building a proper home, some jackass comes out of nowhere with some kind of donut shop or a big ass mansion and we have to keep moving south. No one comes down here. We can find a good spot, get setup and maybe reopen the BroFit Gym.

MOOSE:               That’d be sweet bro! Maybe we can have a bar off the side. Punch and I have been making some mad brews.

CHAD:                   Yeah I know. That last ale you made was so thick I needed a spoon to drink it.

SUSIE:                   Higher Mr. Punch! Higher! Swingie swinggggg!

ELLA:                     No! I’m gonna puke up my batteries!

PUNCH:                1,2,3 RUNAWAAAYYYYYYY!

CHAD:                   Hey! Not so high dude okay!

PUNCH:                Punch push swing real high!

SUSIE:                   One more! One more!

CHAD:                   No! Come on kid. Punch. Let’s go!

PUNCH:                One more! Here Punch go! Hold tight!

ELLA:                     If someone doesn’t let me off this thing I’m going to be pissed. Tee hee!

PUNCH:                1,2,3 RUNAWAYYYYY!

SUSIE:                   WHEEEEEEE!

                                                SFX: CHAIN SNAP

CHAD:                   SUSIE!

SUSIE:                   AHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

PUNCH:                No no! Punch catch!

                                                SFX: CRASH

                                                SFX: RUNNING

CHAD:                   Susie! Susie! Are you alright.

SUSIE:                   Owww…I’m…my arm feels funny.

ELLA:                     That’s great. Someone get this twig out of my fanny. Like now.

SUSIE:                   Hush Ella.

CHAD:                   Let me see.

SUSIE:                   OWWWW! (Crying)

CHAD:                   Ah shit…think you broke it.

PUNCH:                Little friend hurt.

CHAD:                   When I say STOP you STOP. Clear?

PUNCH:                Punch sorry.

CHAD:                   Come on…let’s pick you up.

PUNCH:                Punch carry. Punch carry.

CHAD:                   Fine. But be easy. We need to find a Stimpak. Used my last one beatin’ that Deathclaw to death.

MOOSE:               Hey dude! Up here! There’s an old bar and stuff. Totally abandoned.

PATSY:                  My shoes are all covered in ashes. Is there a bathroom in there?

MOOSE:               Yeah babe! There’s one for guys and one for you!

SUSIE:                   (Whimpering) My arm is burning. It hurts! It hurts!

PUNCH:                (Upset) Punch hurt little friend. Punch bad friend. BAD FRIEND.

CHAD:                   It’s okay kid. Hang tight.

PATSY:                  The Rusty Prick. This place looks shady. It’s probably loaded with Rad Roaches and like I’ll bet you all my dirty water there’s a dead dude in there in some kind of silly position.

ELLA:                     We were out for two decades lady. We got bored. Tee hee!

MOOSE:               This place is sweet! Right off the road and everything.

                                                SFX: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.

CHAD:                   Here. Bro put her down on the pool table. I’ll poke around for a Stimpak.

PATSY:                  This place smells like ass.

PUNCH:                Little friend hurt with the oww oww?

SUSIE:                   It’s okay Mr. Punch. It’s not your fault.

ELLA:                     Let’s move in here and turn into a bed and breakfast of death! Tee hee!

MOOSE:               AWWWW! BRO! Punch! Check this out dude! There’s a whole brew setup in the back here. This place kicks ass.

PUNCH:                Ohhh…good brew left for Punch?

MOOSE:               Nah. This stuff’s gone skunk.

PUNCH:                Punch drink. Try new flavor.

MOOSE:               Uhhh…I wouldn’t do that dude.

                                                SFX: KEG SMASHED OPEN.

                                                SFX: DRINKING NOISE.

PUNCH:                Mmmmm…funny brew. Make tummy feel all funny.

PATSY:                  Nuka Shine. What’s the hells that? Probably has loads of calories and radioactive iso nopes.

MOOSE:               Never heard of the stuff. Hey! Dude your face is glowing blue! Hand me that keg.

                                                SFX: DRINKING NOISE.

PUNCH:                (Giggle burp) Punch see colors….ohhh Punch see colors!

MOOSE:               Dude…this stuff tastes like Abraxo and gasoline.

PATSY:                  Wait wut? Gasoline? How do you know what gas tastes like?

MOOSE:               (huge belch) Ohhh man. It’s like warm and stuff.

PATSY:                  What are you doing?!

                                                SFX: CLOTHES NOISE.

MOOSE:               Aren’t you babe hot?

PATSY:                  Oh my God! Are you like wasted!?! What is this stuff?

PUNCH:                (singing) Meat bag, meat bag, tasty for you and me

MOOSE:               (singing) Meat bag, meat bag, tasty for you and me

PUNCH:                (singing) We sit on some heads

MOOSE:               (singing) Don’t hurt cuz your dead!

PUNCH:                (singing) Meat bags for meeeeeeee! (loud burp)

MOOSE:               (singing) Meat bags for meeeeee! (loud burp)

PUNCH:                Wheeeeeeee!

MOOSE:               Wheeeeeee!

                                                SFX: WALL SMASH.

                                                SFX: RAPID RUNNING AWAY.

PATSY:                  HEY! MOOSE! Where the hell are you going!?! Get back here!

CHAD:                   What’s all the damned yellin’?

PATSY:                  Punch and Moose drank some of this blue stuff and took off like black out drunk.

CHAD:                   Nuka Shine? This stuff will knock you flat. Last time I pounded this stuff I woke up next to a scorched beast in nothing but my birthday suit.

PATSY:                  Wait what?

CHAD:                   They’ll be fine. They’ll pass out some place and find their way back home. Hold tight kid. Here we go.

                                                SFX: STIMPACK NOISE

SUSIE:                   OWWWW! OWWWWW! IT’S BURNING ME!

CHAD:                   What the hell are you talkin’ about? What’s wrong?

ELLA:                     Something’s wrong. Something’s wrong.

SUSIE:                   (Crying) It burns! (Continues to cry for a while…need audio track)

CHAD:                   I…I don’t understand.

PATSY:                  Like was it tainted or something?

CHAD:                   No! It was fine. Cleaned the injector and everything. Something else is going on.

SUSIE:                   (Slows crying) I….I think it’s stopped. Ch….Chad can you look at my boo boo?

CHAD:                   Yeah…real slow okay. See if you can wiggle your fingers. Is that okay?

SUSIE:                   I….I think so….

CHAD:                   Now try and make a little fist there. What about that?

SUSIE:                   Uh….uh huh. I think it’s okay. The burning is going away.

CHAD:                   What the hell was that?

ELLA:                     Weeee ooooowwwwww Weeeee oooooowwww time for the ambulance!

SUSIE:                   I…I dunno…it was scary. It was fire all inside.

CHAD:                   Come here. Bring it in. You okay now?

SUSIE:                   Yes. I’m thirsty.

CHAD:                   Here. Got your little cup and some fresh water.

PATSY:                  OMG! This bathroom is hella gross!

CHAD:                   (sighs) I hope those two get back soon. If you feel okay, wanna help me clean out some of this garbage and busted furniture?

SUSIE:                   Is this our forever home?

CHAD:                   Yeah…yeah I think so. We can do something with this place. Doesn’t work as a gym…but a bar? Yeah this could be something special.

                                                                MEDIA: TRANSITION MUSIC

                                                                SCENE 4:  TRAIN STATION

                                                                SFX: WALKING UP STEPS

VENDOR:             Don’t face the wasteland without the proper supplies.

SIMON:                Well, well, well. If it isn’t the slick son of a bitch who stiffed me out of my crap last year.

VENDOR:             Welcome, citizen, I am authorized to trade supplies.

SIMON:                Right. Let’s do this, but look here you tin plated grifter I’ve a year wiser. I know market value and you’re not going to dick me around like before. Here…5 rifles in various condition, some bulk plastic I’ve bulked with…ehm…with plastic, 15 10mm pistols, got a case of Rad-x and about 10 pieces of 1 to 3 star rated armor pieces with impossible magical properties I’d rather not go into. Here is EVERYTHING. Take the lot. Here is my shopping list. I need all the junk on this list. No bartering, no waffling, no back and forth haggle. A simple. Straightforward transaction. Clear?

VENDOR:             Affirmative.

SIMON:                So scoot your little arms around behind the counter there or wherever you hid your inventory and let’s wrap this up.

VENDOR:             Best I can do is 20 caps.

SIMON:                No. No, no, no. Not this again. Listen. To. The. Words. I. Am. Saying. I give you these. You give me what I have written here. This is a barter. I’m not buying anything and I’ve given you 8x market value for what I need in junk.

VENDOR:             (pause) 15 caps.

SIMON:                Not today Satan. You keep on chuckling inside that fish bowl head. I came prepared this time. Berry Mentats. Never tried them personally, but let’s go. One moment.

                                                                SFX: PILL POP. SWALLOW.

SIMON:                (Seductive) Now…my fine friend…back to our transaction.

VENDOR:             Wow.

SIMON:                Huh?

VENDOR:             Your facial structure has pleasing and complimentary proportions.

SIMON:                Uh….thanks…

VENDOR:             What can I do for you today my little chickadee?

SIMON:                Just the items on the list please.

VENDOR:             What is a biped like you doing in a place like this?

SIMON:                Look can we wrap this up please? I’m not sure how long this thing lasts…

VENDOR:             This unit can go for the next 300 years if you understand what I am vocalizing…

SIMON:                No mean no trash can.

VENDOR:             Wow. Your dilated sclera, increased heartbeat and body language of annoyance is causing logic errors in my axial servo.

SIMON:                (sighs) The hell with it. Ahem…you what know what I’d be EVER so appreciative of you big hunk of steel? I’d love if you could take all this heavy, bulky stuff off my pretty little back and find it in your surprisingly warm metal heart to help this fragile ash flower out. I would be very grateful.

VENDOR:             Be still my actuating servos. Please stand by my carbon based peripheral device. I shall care for your every need. Then maybe I can leave this train station behind.

SIMON:                Be careful with my heart Mr. Vendor…we’re from two different worlds.

VENDOR:             Processing transaction…

                                                                SFX: WALKING

SIMON:                This poster is new.  CRYPTID CREEPS, INC Is a Mothman Molesting your Mailbox? Is a Goatsquatch Gobbling your Gooseberries? Crytpid Creeps are Appalachia’s Experts in the Unexplained. Fully licensed by a malfunctioning wandering Robobrain we use expert tracking and trapping methods to chase down whatever summabitch’s been eating your crops or leaving crap in your crick. Drop by our headquarters in Lewisburg. Affordable hourly rates. INTURNS NEEDED. I wonder what they pay.

VENDOR:             Citizen, let’s awkwardly stomp away from this place. Just you, me and a cargo container with a view.

SIMON:                Your glass dome is fogging up. (Under breath) Jesus if I’d have known this stuff works on everything I would’ve been addicted to these damned things ages ago.

VENDOR:             Our transaction is completed. Here you go.

SIMON:                Why thank you my dome headed…wait a minute. There’s only one screw and a bottle cap in here?

VENDOR:             Thanks for the memories.

SIMON:                Now look here you son of a bitch! Must’ve worn off.

VENDOR:             Get out of here before I call the police you little whore.

SIMON:                Alright! Alright….Christ…have to get money to buy the stuff another way…

                                                SFX: WALKING

VENDOR:             Now trading for supplies, ammunition, and gear. (Pause) My shattered heart is prepared for the long haul…

                                                                MEDIA: TRANSITION MUSIC

                                                                SCENE 5:  INT. CRYPTID HQ

                                                                SFX: WALKING ON WOOD

SIMON:                Hello is anybody here? I’m looking for the…

CLETUS:               Yeeeeeehoooo!

SFX: LANDS ON GROUND

SIMON:                What the?!

CLETUS:                You got to be ready boy! I could a be a Goatsquatch coming to eat yer buttshole! You ever seen a Goatsquatch?

SIMON:                I’ve had some experience but I don’t think it was the same thing. Wait…my WHAT???

CLETUS:                You actually seen it?! Where?! What it look like?! I mean...yup another sightin’. Yep! there been a ton.

SIMON:                Yeah….it was out at that old taxidermy place. It uh…turned out to be a fake. There was an unfortunate incident with an assaultron programmed with a mating ritual that….you know what? I’d rather not talk about it.

CLETUS:                So you knew Van Lowe did ye? You hear that Jethro?     

JETHRO:               Strange things in these hills...

SIMON:                Ah! How long have you been standing behind me?!

JETHRO:               Long enough to know yer pre-ception is low you long eared Yank.

SIMON:                What does that have to do with…nevermind. Look I read your flyer at the train station. Is the position still available?

CLETUS:                Well then, yer in the right place. (Struggles to recite from memory) Wh..When dairs something strange, in your backyard...like bright red eyes, glowing in the dark. Who you gonna call?...uh…?

SIMON:                Cryptid Creeps?

CLETUS:                Yeah! Fergot that part!

SIMON:                You forgot the name of your company?

JETHRO:               We’re not some company boy. We are the protectors of Appalachia. For everything  unholy and unexplainable we...

SIMON:                Look buddy Is the job available or not?

CLETUS:                We got us a live one here Jethro! He's rearin to go!

JETHRO:               Sure is, in he?...you lookin to get yerself killed boy?

SIMON:                Look, I’ve just had probably one of the worst days in my entire life and I'm not about to sit here and explain it to you two guys. I’m a hard worker and I’ll do just about anything at this point. So…about the job?

 JETHRO:              Got nothing to lose huh? Yeah...I’ve been dair meself. The jobs yers. Here drink this, yer one of us now.

SIMON:                What is this? It smells like dirty socks.

CLETUS:                It’ll put some hair on your wedding bells kid!

SFX: SIMON CHUGGING

SIMON:                (holds in cough) Ah! Mmm that burns! What is this shit?

CLETUS:                Well shoot! He holds his moonshine perdy good dun he Jed?

JETHRO:               Sure does Cletus. Question is how he handles a gun..

SFX: THROW GUN/CATCHES GUN/SHOTGUN COCKS.

SIMON:                Let’s just say I know my way around a shotgun.

CLETUS:                Come on boy! Let’s show ye around. This here is the finest collection of parahormonal investi migation evidence in all of Appalachia!

SIMON:                This…uh…this is quite the collection. What’s that thing?

JETHRO:               This here is a bonified Jackoffalope.

JETHRO:               Member that day Cletus? Ohhh….what an awful awful day…

CLETUS:                Jethro and me had used urine popsicles and Yao Guai skat to lure it in. Our tick hound Old Yeller had herded it on into a ravine just east of Beckley. That jackoffalop….hooo wheee was he madder than a hornet’s nest with your pecker in it.

JETHRO:               We were just linin’ up the shot when Cletus here had the bright idea to use that VATS computer on this wrist rocket. God damned computer targeted a fucking bloatfly 2 miles down the crick! Well we missed our window. A second jackoffalope we didn’t see charged in from the side and got Old Yeller.

CLETUS:                By the time we unloaded two barrels in the summa bitch Yeller was gone…we got this one here. But the other? Well it’s still out there…lookin’ for revenge…

SIMON:                Right. Sure. Whatever. It just looks a pissed off rabbit with military grade duct taped antlers of varying lengths stuck on its head.

JETHRO:               Look here boy…see that?

SIMON:                It’s a bucket with dirt in it.

JETHRO:               To the untrained Yankee eye…

SIMON:                Sure, whatever but I was born here…

JETHRO:               That’s the only evidence we have of our white whale…the think we been huntin’ all these years. The Phantom of Flatwoods….the Terrible Blaxton County Monster! The Flatwood Monster. Appalachia’s most terrifying cryptid. Cletus and I were investigating the ol’ Fisher Farm when we heard this strange noise…and a purple light moving through the trees. Knowin’ full well what we were dealing with, we put our overalls on backwards and stuffed tinfoil down our tightie whities for protection…and rifles in hand crept upon along the ridge line.

CLETUS:                And there it was…hovering just at the tree line. Well sir, our pappy schooled us well…while Jethro lined up the shot I tried to communicate with it to lure it in like by doin’ that robot dance and rubbing my keister against the pine trees.

SIMON:                Oh sure…I mean you gotta….

JETHRO:               Then the summa bitch just up and turns, sticks up this long middle finger and fucks right off! Plum vanished right there in front of us!

                                                                SFX: RADIO STATIC

HICK:                     Woodchuck to Gray Squirrel. Woodchuck to Gray Squirrel…come on back! We got us a sighting!

CLETUS:                Ooooo weeee! Looks like our first one of the day!

JETHRO:               Gray Squirrel here. Whatcha got Woodchuck?

HICK:                     I was on my front porch finishing the railing on my garage and donut shop when some giant bastard that tore right through my gosh darned wall! Starts hurling lugies at me! Had no eyes or mouth…you boys best get on down here!

CLETUS:                Hold tight Woodchuck. Creeps are on the way!

JETHRO:               You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’ Cletus?

CLETUS:                The Grafton monster!

SIMON:                What’s that when it’s at home?

CLETUS:                Legends say the fat farm down near the Whitespring before the war got contan im inated with nuclear waste. Well all that chunk from them rich folks gets on up out of the septic tank and starts wandering around all pissed off! 

SIMON:                I mean…what?

JETHRO:               Cletus fill up our flasks and let’s hit the road. You want some more shine boy?

SIMON:                I’m good for now.

                                                                MEDIA: TRANSITION MUSIC

                                                                SCENE 6:  INT. RUSTY PICK

                                                                SFX: DOOR OPENS

MOOSE:               Ah dude…my head is pounding…

PUNCH:                Punch no feel good. Punch insides want to come out mouth hole.

CHAD:                   First rodeo with the shine fellas?

MOOSE:               Bro…that stuff is killer. Literally.

PATSY:                  There you are! Moose Miller what the like actual hell!? Maybe before you go running off next time with this big green bush you’d think of me first. I’m still waiting for my bath!

MOOSE:               Sorry babe, come on…let me just grab some canned coffee.

PUNCH:                Where little friend?

CHAD:                   In the back there dude. Taught her how to shoot pool. Here…bag o’ them cotton candy bites she loves. You owe someone an apology dude.

PUNCH:                Punch feel bad.

CHAD:                   Well git on back there and make it up then I need a hand tearing out some of these booths. Had an idea I need a hand with.

                                                                SFX: WALKING.

ELLA:                     8 ball center pocket. Tee hee.

SUSIE:                   How are you doing that Ella? That’s no fair!

ELLA:                     I’m a ringer. Tee hee. You’re going to owe me some new batteries.

PUNCH:                What you do?

SUSIE:                   Oh…hey Mr. Punch. We’re shooting pool. Ella’s having fun, but I thought this would be more fun times. I thought we’d be shooting someone named pool. This is just some stick and ball game. It’s boring.

PUNCH:                Umm…boo boo gone now? Chode make go away?

SUSIE:                   Yes. It’s a little stiff, but I’m okay.

PUNCH:                Punch sorry broke little friend. Share some sticky pink num nums?

SUSIE:                   Oh! Cotton Candy Bites! My favorite. Thank you Mr. Punch. It’s okay. It wasn’t your fault.

PUNCH:                Mmmm…stick pink num nums good! Electric spark in teeth.

SUSIE:                   It’s little fluffy sugar balls. Mmm…(coughs, spits) Yuck. These bites taste bad.

PUNCH:                Taste okay for Punch?

SUSIE:                   I don’t like these ones.

PATSY:                  Has anyone seen my scarf? Helllooo?

ELLA:                     Fingers keepers! Tee hee!

PATSY:                  Hey! Rugrat. Have you seen my scarf?

SUSIE:                   Nooooo uh uh.

PATSY:                  What? You little liar. Gimme that!

SUSIE:                   No! It’s MINE! I found it!

PATSY:                  It was in MY backpack you little turd.

ELLA:                     Can we kill her already? I could pop her head like a berry! Wheeee!

PUNCH:                You leave little friend alone meatbag!

PATSY:                  GIVE IT TO ME!

SUSIE:                   NO! GO FIND YOUR OWN!

PATSY:                  OWWWW! YOU BIT ME YOU LITTLE BITCH!

SUSIE:                   (Angry snarling, yelling goes on for a bit)

                                                SFX: FURNITURE SMASHING

PATSY:                  What the hell. Get off me! Get off!

ELLA:                     Yeahhhhh! Kill her!

PUNCH:                Too much noise! Punch not like noise! Stop friend! Stop!

CHAD:                   What the hell is going on? SUSIE!

PATSY:                  SHE’S BITING ME! OWWWW!

                                                SFX: PUNCHING

CHAD:                   Come on kid! Let go! Git off!

SUSIE:                   (Wild feral snarling) AHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh!

                                                SFX: SLASH

CHAD:                   (Disbelief) You…your nails. I’m bleeding. You hit me.

SUSIE:                   (Calming down) RRrrrrrrrrrrr…..sss…..sssooorrryy…..nooooo… (More angry feral)

CHAD:                   What the…stop…please stop. Punch grab her legs.

SUSIE:                   (More angry guttural cries)

PUNCH:                What wrong with friend?

CHAD:                   (Shaken) I…I don’t know. Come on. Help me get her in the bathroom. Can’t control her.

ELLA:                     Drifting away….drifting away….not supposed to happen. Doctor, Doctor….

SUSIE:                   KILLLLLLLL RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

PUNCH:                Little friend sick?

CHAD:                   What the fuck…what the fuck…in here. Sorry kid. The door.

                                                SFX: SLAM DOOR. LOCK IT.

CHAD:                   (Collapses) I….what happened….what happened?

                                                SFX: SMASHES. ANGRY POUNDING ON DOOR SCRATCHING

SUSIE:                   RAHHHHHHHHH!

PATSY:                  That little bitch!

MOOSE:               Here babe…Stimpak. What the hell dude?

CHAD:                   I don’t know. I don’t know. Something’s wrong with her. She attacked me. I can’t believe she attacked me. Something’s wrong.

PATSY:                  If you ask me…

CHAD:                   NO ONE ASKED YOU PATS! SHUT YOUR GOD DAMNED MOUTH FOR A MINUTE.

MOOSE:               Babe…come on…let me get you cleaned up.

CHAD:                   I…I need to get help. That Doc Martin dude. Maybe she’s infected with someone. That weird reaction from the Stimpak and everything. Punch…dude…promise me something. Don’t let her out. You keep her in there no matter what okay?

PUNCH:                Keep friend safe?

CHAD:                   Yes. She could hurt herself or hurt someone. I’ll be back with help okay? If she gets out…get her. Promise me.

PUNCH:                Punch watch friend good. Keep safe.

CHAD:                   I’ll be back soon.

                                                                SFX: RUNNING.

                                                                SFX: ANGRY CRASHING. DOOR SCRATCHING.

PUNCH:                Punch hope Chode fast. What happened to little friend?

                                                                MEDIA: TRANSITION MUSIC

                                                                SCENE 7:  EXT. WOODS.

CLETUS:                Darn looks like we just missed the monster!

SIMON:                What are you talking about? I didn’t see anything that looked like a Grafton Monster had been there.

JETHRO:               Oh? What makes you so sure?

SIMON:                Well for one the guy who called it in looked like a junkies build. He had a trash can full of used chems, he couldn't sit still, kept twitching. Chances are he ran out of chems and started going through withdraw. Probably was hallucinating.

CLETUS:                Oh yeah? Well, what about all that oil laying around on the ground?

SIMON:                It’s an auto body shop...of course you’re going to have oil spills.

JETHRO:               Well look what we have here Cletus. One of dem detective types.

CLETUS:                Looks like it. First day and he's some sort of Einstein.

JETHRO:               Son that logic may have worked for you before but fer this, we don’t use logic.

SIMON:                (says to self) That’s obvious.

CLETUS:                Yeah it takes guts, instink and moonshine!

JETHRO                 I’ll drink to that I’ll drink to that

SFX: FLASKS SWISH

JETHRO:               Alright next on the list we got a report from up north.  Woman was out walking her pet possum, when she saw an FWM in floating through the trees.

SIMON:                An FWM?

CLETUS:                Flatwoods Monster. One of the hardest to fin. Uses mind control and such. Here you gonna need one of these, lucky fer you I got a spare.

SFX: TIN FOIL HAT CRINKLES

SIMON:                You can’t be serious...a tin foil hat?

CLETUS:                What part of this is a joke to you?!

SIMON:                (says to self) All of it …

CLETUS:                This ones a but lippy Jed! Such insa…insa…board…Such disrespect will not be toler..er..it will come out of your pay!

SIMON:                (mimicks accent) Ah shoot, I was just kiddin fellas.

JETHRO:               Is the way we talk funny to you boy?

SIMON:                (clears throat) No sir. So off to the Flatwoods Monster? Ah look at that.

SFX: PUTS TIN FOIL HAT ON

SIMON:                Fits like a glove! A little more shine before we go?

CLETUS:                Don’t have to tell me twice!

SFX: CHUGGING/SLOSHING LIQUID

CLETUS:                (Refreshingly) Ahhhhh! That hit the spot! Come on…this way…

SFX: SOFTLY STEPPING IN LEAVES/TWIG SNAPS

CLETUS:                Shhh! You trying to get us caught?! The Flatwoods Monster int easy to sneak up on. You got to…

JETHRO:               Be quiet. The both of ya. He’s close. Look over dair.

CLETUS:                Yeah, broken branches. He’s been through here…and look tracks!

SIMON:                I’m pretty sure those are your tracks. I think we’re walking in circles.

CLETUS:                The newbies right. These do look like my tracks. The Alien must a shape shifted into a Human form to throw us off his trail!

JETHRO:               Shhh! Heads up!

SFX: RUSTLING IN BUSHES

JETHRO:               Get your equipment ready. I will stun it with this “flash mod juh fa cator”, Cletus you trap it with the “bine dense ifier”.

SIMON:                Is that a camera duct taped to a toaster and a fishnet tied to some garden gnomes?...

JETHRO:               No time fer splainin the science of it all recruit. Get out dair and poke in that bush, flush it out.

SIMON:                Of course I’m the bait. Why wouldn’t I be? (Sighs)

SFX: STEPS FORWARD IN DIRT/SHAKES BUSH

JETHRO:               It’s not gone come out like that. Put some umph into it. Really get yer hands in that bush and show it you mean business!

SIMON:                (Chuckles to self) That’s what she said.

SFX: BUSH SHAKES/SOMETHING GROWLS BACK

JETHRO:               Here it comes, stan back!

SFX: POSSUM BREAKS FROM BUSHES/HISSES/CAMERA FLASH SNAPS

CLETUS:                (High pitch scream) AAAAAAAAH! Take the rook! I don wan die a virgin!

SFX: THROWS NET

JETHRO:               Dag nabbit Cletus. Yer spose‘ to throw it on the monster not me!

SIMON:                (Snickers) It’s just a possum. Look, its even got a collar. Must belong to the lady that called in the “siting”.

SFX: POSSUM MAKES CUTE NOISE

CLETUS:                I..I knew that. I just…well….

SIMON:                Now that on the other hand…

SFX: WHIRRING NOISES

JETHRO:               Well in all my years…

SFX: BRIGHT FLASH/WHIRRING FADES OUT

                                                                MEDIA: TRANSITION MUSIC

                                                                PART 2:

KEN:                      This is Kenneth Vigue and we’re back with part 2 of Cryptid Creeps. Before we dive into the conclusion of this tale, I want to catch you up on some news. Firstly, we have passed 475,000 listens to this show which is frankly is insane. Based on our current tracking I’m thinking in late September or the beginning of October we will crest half a million and when we do, we’re throwing a live party with the entire cast. I have something unique in mind that will make for a memorable evening that you won’t want to miss. I’ll keep you posted as we get closer to that milestone. I also wanted to share that in addition to Bethesda “Uncle” Pete Hines, we have 3 of Bethesda’s own joining our cast beginning in the next episode. The iconic developer and writer Ferret Baudoin, community manager and streamer Lady Devann and also Sean Baptiste, to whom I owe quite a lot. The characters they will be voicing are going to be truly memorable. The last bit of news has to do with next month’s plan. QuakeCon will be held again as a virtual event August 19^th to the 20^th and I’m working on something really special for that event I can’t talk about yet. What I can tell is that you’ll want to plan to park it and tune in that weekend and it’ll all be for charity. Stay tuned to our social media channels for announcements next month as we get closer, and I can tell you what we’ll be doing. And without further ado, let’s get to the story. When we last left Simon and his new employers, Cletus and Jethro they went from hunters to the hunted after an encounter with the mythical Flatwoods Monster. As we rejoin them, far from the run-down theater in which they awaken, Chad is running as fast as he can to the clinic of Doc C.J. Martin because something is terribly, terribly wrong with Susie and for the first time in his life…he’s scared. Oh! The band is striking up a tune and the stage lights are coming up. Get ready for the big show as this will be must see TV as the title card fades in and reads simple: Cryptid Creeps: Part 2. As always, this post apocalyptic podcast contains dark humor, heavy themes and well warranted violence. You have been warned. Proceed through the Vault Door at your own risk.

                                                                SCENE 8:  INT. THEATER

CLETUS:                Ugh…where in Sam hill are we?!

SIMON:                Not sure, last thing I remember was seeing...

FLATWOODS:     Seeing Muah?

CLETUS:                It's the...the...

FLATWOODS:     “The Flatwoods Monster” as your kind refers to me. A bit crude, but then again, what's in a name?

SIMON:                Did you just quote Shakespeare?

FLATWOODS:   Ah yes! Young William. One of the greats of your world, at least for his time that is. A legend in his own right, but the torch has been passed and I shall keep it a glow.

CLETUS:                Wha’d he sayi? Hey Rook can you understand this thing?

SIMON:                He's saying that he's an artist or a playwright of some sort?...

FLATWOODS:     A Thespian actually.

CLETUS:                Oh! So you like other girl Aliens?

JETHRO:               Cletus just let the boy talk.

SIMON:                I am having the most fucked up fever dream. What do you want with us?

FLATWOODS:     What I want is to create. To take young minds and inspire them with my work. Art in its purest form. The Theatre!

JETHRO:               Come again?

SIMON:                He wants us to put on a play or a skit of some sort?

FLATWOODS:     Exactly young Simon! The Scene: Flatwoods Farm. A war-torn land, where only the strongest survive. But change is on the horizon. Creatures of Appalachia, great and small, yearn for peace and friendship.

SFX; CLAPS HANDS TOGETHER

FLATWOODS:     Now! It will be a small-time production focused towards children. I call it the “Flatwoods Funtime Show”. Let’s meet our AKTORS for the show.

SFX: SPOTLIGHT FLICKS ON

CLETUS:                Ow! Get dat light outta my face!

FLATWOODS:     Introducing the grumpy but deep down lovable...Gus the Goat!

SFX: APPLAUSE

JETHRO:               Where the heck is dat clappin coming from?

FLATWOODS:    I’ve altered my suit from its original military design. To something more fitting to my needs. I am now equipped with multiple sounds, lighting and effects to help bring my work to life.

SIMON:                Military huh? You don't strike me as the type.

FLATWOODS:     (Sigh) Alas,. indeed I am not. You see...

SFX: TRAGIC PIANO MUSIC

FLATWOODS:     My story began long before this land came to be Appalachia. Back on my home planet I was a Star! People came from galaxies far far away to see my productions. Think your  “Broadway” or  “Hollywood” but bigger! I was at the pinnacle of my career! Until a tragic stage accident.

SFX: LOW DRAMATIC PIANO DUN DUN DUN

FLATWOODS:     An insterstellar galactic neuron projector. The model hadn't even been released on the market, let alone tested for safety. But my insatiable appetite to stay relevant, to stay on top, clouded my judgement.

SFX: SAD PIANO CONTINUES

CLETUS:.              (intently) What happened?

FLATWOODS:     An explosion of epic proportion.  When I came to, my legs were no more. Years went by, my name, my work, became forgotten. Then one day the military reached out to me with a proposition I couldn't refuse.

SIMON:.              The suit.

FLATWOODS:     Yes, a prototype, it was the talk of the Zetan community. I was tasked with a simple mission, come down and conquer this land. Report back on the successful ness of the suit. If the suit worked than instead armies of Zetans to conquer a world it would only take a few.

JETHRO:.             But yer still here. So from the looks of it, the mission failed.

FLATWOODS:     Alas, it did. I crash landed here after traveling through an unforgiving asteroid field. Ive been unable to repair my suit to communicate with my home world. But what once was seen as a colossal failure has become a bright shining becon of hope.

CLETUS:               He’s talking in riddles again...

FLATWOODS:     When I tried to repair my suits communicator I ended up receiving transmissions from your local communication towers. I was baffled to find that instead of military chatter being passed along it was music, advertisements and stories.

SIMON:               You tapped into the local radio stations.

FLATWOODS:     Yes! Your “Radio Stations”. How wonderous, how exquisite! I was drawn like a Flerfnil to blungle-garfin!

SIMON:               I'm guessing that's a good thing???

FLATWOODS:     (scoffs) Of course! This suit has provided me with mobility, but your ”Radio” has given new voice to my art! I have recorded hours of songs, commercials and sounds to  create my beautiful plays once more!  (shouts) I AM BORN AGAIN! (Clears throat) but I digress.

SFX: BUTTON PRESSED/ TEACHER SAYS “CLASS ATTENTION PPLEASE”

FLATWOODS:     Now a quick roll call or we will miss our live performance! Gus the Goat?

CLETUS:.              I am not...

SFX: MIND ZAP

CLETUS:                Present and (goat sounding) gggglad to be here! Wait why did I....?

SIMON:                He can use mind control remember? Don't fight against it.

FLATWOODS:     Benny the Bear?

JETHRO:               (sighs and reluctantly) Here

FLATWOODS:     Cody the cow?

SIMON:                Present! Can this day get any worse?

FLATWOODS:     Ah I almost forgot, our last minute arrivals! Please welcome..

SFX: DRUM ROLL

FLATWOODS:  Sir Ricky the Raven and Morty the Moth!

SFX: HORN TA DA’S ABD BARN DOOR OPENS

FLETCHER:           Hey everyone.....

SIMON:                Is that?...Fletcher?

FLETCHER:           In the flesh...or Raven I guess....(sighs) please kill me.

FLATWOODS:     Morty the Moth?

SOLOMON:         This is an insult to my master...it is heresy of the darkest kind! I will not...

SFX: MIND ZAP/WALKS FORWARD

SOLOMON:         Hey everybody it’s me. Morty the Moth! This ridiculous helmet doesn’t even look like my Master. A pale comparison at best to his glorious….

SFX: MIND ZAPS

FLATWOODS:     (Sternly) That will be enough of mentioning HIM. Play your parts everyone the way they were written and no harm will come to you.

SFX:OLD ALARM CLOCK RING

FLATWOODS:     Oh looks like there will be no time for last minute rehearsals. Places everyone! The show is about to start!

END OF SCENE TRANSITION MUSIC

SFX: RADIO INTRO MUSIC PLAYS

NIGHT WOLF:     (Howls) Welcome back wasteland listeners, coming to you LIVE from RBTS radio station. Like a gat plasma on a scorchbeast queen, we keep the hits coming! I am your ruggedly handsome host, the Night Wolf reminding you that this hour of commercial free music is brought to you by Fancy Dad Cakes. Fancy Dad Cakes are…

SFX: RADIO STATIC IN AND OUT

NIGHT WOLF:     What the hell is going on?!...

SFX: RADIO STATIC/KIDDIE FARM MUSIC PLAYING

FLATWOODS:     Hello there listeners and welcome to a fun filled hour of The Flatwoods Funtime Show!

SFX: APPLAUSE/KIDS CHEER

FLATWOODS:     On todays episode we’ll be visiting some very special friends down on the farm. I'm Farmer Flatwoods, so hop on in my wagon and lets mosy on over to Flatwoods Farm!

SFX: KIDDIE COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING/HORSE TROTTING/WAGON ROLLING

FLATWOODS:     Woah there Jasper! Looks like were here.

SFX: HORSE WHINNIES

FLATWOODS:     Oh look! There's one of our farmyard friends now! Hey there Cody the cow.

SFX: COW MOOS

SIMON:                Hey there Farmer Flatwoods! Mmmm no Im not going to say that.

SFX: MIND ZAP

SIMON:                (like a cow) MMMMOOOOO-TIFUL day isn't it?

SFX: CROWD LAUGHS

FLATWOODS:     It sure is Cody, it sure is. Say, where are the rest of our farmyard friends?

SFX: BUSH RUSTLING

FLATWOODS:     What's that rustlin in the bushes over there?

JETHRO:               Hey dair farmer, got anything good to eat?

SFX: APPLAUSE

FLATWOODS:     Why its Benny the bear. Always thinking with your tummy aren't you Benny?

JETHRO:               Well when my cave is bare, I just come over hare.

SFX: AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

JETHRO:               You can always count on a home cooked meal at the Flatwoods Farm! Come for the food and stay for the friendship. They’ll fill your tummy and your heart.

SFX: AWWWW

FLATWOODS:     Couldnt of said it better myself Benny.

SFX: GOAT BAAS

CLETUS:                Hey there (like a goat) gggguys and gggals what's going on?

FLATWOODS:     Hey there Gus!

SFX: HUMMING/SMACK INTO SOMETHING (REPEATS)

FLATWOODS:     Oh and there's Morty the Moth. Alright which one of you turned the light on again. You know how Morty.

SFX: LAUGHTER

CLETUS:                My bbbbaaaaddd!

SFX: LIGHT SWITCHES OFF

SOLOMON:         Whoa what a head rush! Where am I?

SFX: LAUGHTER

FLATWOODS:     Oh Morty. Not as bright as those bulbs you like so much mmmm?

SOLOMON:         How dare you insult...

SFX: MIND ZAPS

SOLOMON:         (In pain) Ahh!.....Whaaaaa? Oh hey there Farmer Flatwoods, didn't see you there.

FLATWOODS:     Gather round friends, gather round. Today we’re going to be talking about how to make new friends.

SIMON:                Why would we do that FARMER FLATWOODS, you're the only friend we need!

FLATWOODS:     Oh Carter, your as sweet as the milk you make!

SIMON:                (says to self) somebody kill me please...

SOLOMON:         I am not going to ridicule my Master li...

                                                                SFX: MIND ZAP

SOLOMON:         Gee farmer I sure could use some friends, but I run my head into things so much I don't think anyone would want to be friends with someone as dumb as me.

SFX: AWWWWW

FLATWOODS:     Well Morty thats why I’m here, to help you.

                                                                SFX: CHEERING/APPLAUSE

FLATWOODS:     Now I invited some special critters to the farm today for us to make friends with. Sir Ricky the Raven bring our first guest out please.

FLETCHER:           How did I end up in this mess? I mean, Jolly good Farmer Flatwoods. I shall go and fetch our first guest.

SFX: HIGH PITCH SNARLING/THINGS KNOCKED OVER

FLETCHER:           Ow! Get back. Back I say!

SFX: BUCKET KNOCKED OVER

FLETCHER:           (clears throat) Here she is and I might I say she is a sweetheart! That just tried to eat me.

FLATWOODS:     Ah a snally ghaster. Often criticized by their appearance. Now heres someone who needs a friend.

                                                                SFX: HOLLERING/DROOLING

FLATWOODS:     Benny why don't you come down here and meet our new friend.

JETHRO:               Nope, not happenin.

SFX: MIND ZAP

JETHRO:               (trying to resist) of course I'll come down and greet our new friend.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS/SHUFFLES/STEPS BACK

JETHRO:               Hey there friend! My name is Benny and I would like to be your…

SFX: SNALLYGHASTER SCREAMS/SPITS/ACID SIZZLES

JETHRO:               AAAAH! It’s burning through my suit! AAAH my skin! My skin!

SFX: RUNS AWAY/SCREAMING/ SNALLY SCREAMS AND RUNS THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION

FLATWOODS:     Well that’s uh…. Unfortunately friendships don’t always work out as planned.. looks like Snallyghaster isn’t ready for friendship just yet.

SFX: WUH WUH WUHHH (FAILURE)

FLATWOODS:     Lucky for us there are plenty more friends. Richard bring out our next guest!

FLETCHER:           Jolly good sir! I will at once.

SFX: STUFF CRASHING IN BACKGROUND/FLETCHER SAYS OW/BLEEPS TO CENSOR/GOAT SCREAMS

FLETCHER:           (Out of breath) Here you go Sir!

FLATWOODS:     Goatsquatch old pal! It’s good to see you!

SFX: GOATSQUATCH SCREAMS

FLATWOODS:     Yes you are on the show, now I would like to to meet Cody the cow.

SIMON:                (SFX BLEEP!), that I’m not coming anywhere near that thing!

FLATWOODS:     Oh that Cody, always such a joker

SFX: MIND ZAP

SIMON:                (trying to resist) No..I…do…not…want to die like this!

SFX: FEET DRAGGING

FLATWOODS:     Now an important thing to remember is it helps to speak the others language, that way you can understand each other. Deepen your friendship. Now Cody let’s try making some goat impressions to communicate with our friend here.

SIMON:                Baaaa! Baaaa,!

SFX: GOATSQUATCH GRUNTS IN CONFUSION

FLATWOODS:     Oooh not quite, try again and really give it your all!

SIMON:                Naaah! Naaah!

SFX: GOATSQUATCH SCREECHES AND GROWLS

SIMON:                This is a bad idea…

CLETUS:                Aw come on, you call that a goat call? It’s more like this.

SFX: ACTUAL GOAT NOISE

FLATWOODS:     Very good Gus! But we want Cody to…

SFX: GOATSQUATCH PURRS AFFECTIONATELY

CLETUS:                Hey cut dat out!

SFX: PURRING CONTINUES

FLATWOODS:     Well friends it seems that are two goat friends are hitting it off quite well. They’re even hugging!

SFX: AUDIENCE AWWWS

CLETUS:                Ok, ok, that’s enough. Hey. Hey now! What are you?!

SFX: GOATSQUATCH GRUNTS CONSECUTIVELY

FLATWOODS:     Oh my it seems our two goat friends are….

CLETUS:                Get off of me!

SFX: SHOVES GOATSQUATCH AWAY/GOAT MEME NOISE

CLETUS:                No. No! Stay away from me! Stay away!

SFX: RUNS/GOATSQUATCH SCREAMS/ CLETUS SCREAMS IN DISTANCE

FLATWOODS:     Well…It seems that….

SIMON:                We should...go to a commercial break?

FLATWOODS:     Ah yes, excellent idea Simon. I mean Cody! Hey Hey, folks, don’t touch that dial our show will be right back after this quick commercial break.

SFX: STATIC/PLEASE STAND BY TONE

FLATWOODS:     Oh no oh no! The show is ruined! What do I do?!

SIMON:                Calm down. Everything is going to be fine. Humans love a good commercial. Do you have any pre recorded in that suit of yours?

FLATWOODS:     I should in here somewhere. Let me see…

SFX: BUTTONS CLICKING/FLATWOODS MONSTER TALKING TO HIMSELF

SIMON:                Alright while he’s distracted. Fletcher, Solomon, get over here quick.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS RUN OVER

SIMON:                Now I’ve noticed that his mind control power only works up to a certain distance. He was able to control Cletus and the Goatsquatch earlier for that exact reason. So if we can keep him distracted with playing that commercial we might be able to make a break for it. But we all need to work together. Agreed?

SOLOMON:         Agreed.

SIMON:                Fletcher?

FLETCHER:           You are a wanted criminal Rex. You can’t expect to help in good conscience.

SIMON:                If you want to get out of this Demented kid time show you have no choice.

FLETCHER:           Alright I’ll help, but after this, I’m coming after you.

SIMON:                Fair enough, Fletcher how many more creatures are in the barn?

FLETCHER:           (Hesitantly) Just one.

SIMON:                Perfect! What is it?

FLETCHER:           It’s…a…Deathclaw.

SIMON:                (Sighs) of course it is. It doesn’t matter. I was able to collect some of the Snallyghasters saliva. It should be enough. To disorient the beast and cause a diversion while we escape. Fletcher you draw the creature out where Solomon will be waiting with this container of spit. I will keep The Flatwoods Monster distracted. Everyone got it?

FLETCHER:           Got it.

SOLOMON:         Let’s do this!

FLATWOODS:     Ah ha! Here it is!

SIMON:                Farmer Flatwoods? Would now be a good time to get our next guest ready while you play the commercial?

FLATWOODS:     Splendid Idea Cody! Wait to be a team player.

SIMON:                Just trying to do MOO part.

FLATWOODS:     Ahahaha and such a card you are!

SFX: BUTTON CLICKS/BEEPING NOISE/NEGATIVE BUZZ (FAILURE)

FLATWOODS:     Ok…let’s try another one then.

SIMON:                (Whisper) Fletcher what’s the Deathclaw doing?

FLETCHER:           (Whisper) Oh no. He’s sleeping! Now what? The plan was for him to be awake.

SIMON:                Wait that’ll work even better. Solomon climb up into the loft and pour the spit down on it when I give you the signal. Fletcher, as soon as he does, you open the barn door and let the Deathclaw out. While the Flatwoods Monster is distracted, we high tail for that thicket of trees over there to make our escape.

SFX: ANOTHER NEGATIVE BUZZ

 FLATWOODS:    Son of a flergl flop! Why won’t this thing work?

SFX: BEEPS POSITIVELY

FLATWOODS      Alright I guess I will just play this one instead.

*****OLD TIMEY COMMERCIAL*****

SFX: TEAPOT WHISTLES THEN DIES DOWN/TEA IS POURED

MARJORIE:          Here’s your tea dear. Thanks for coming over on such short notice.

CONNIE:               Well it sounded urgent on the phone. Is everything alright?

MARJORIE:          Oh Connie, we’ve been friends for a long time. May I be candid with you?

CONNIE:               Of course Marjorie. What’s the matter?

MARJORIE:          I just don’t understand Connie, Harold’s always been a creature of habit. He would get off work everyday and come home to have some of my pie.

CONNIE:               I know, my Walter is the same way.

MARJORIE:          That was until he had to work late one night. He came home and didn’t want my pie.

CONNIE:               He didn’t want a piece?

MARJORIE:          Not a single piece and he usually eats the whole thing. The next morning I kissed him goodbye and as he drove a way I saw it, a discarded wrapper in the trash. Fancy Dad Cakes.

CONNIE:               Fancy Dad Cakes? Never heard of it.

MARJORIE:          Neither did I until I caught Harold.

CONNIE:               What do you mean? What happened?

MARJORIE:          Well, one night I caught him sneaking over to Ted Johnson’s house.

CONNIE:               The young single guy that just moved in down the street?

MARJORIE:          The same! I looked right out our front window and there was Harold, hanging out, right by his back door. Next thing I knew Ted pulled out his fancy Dad Cakes, I…I…couldn’t watch Connie!

CONNIE:               Oh Marjorie, I’m so sorry.

MARJORIE:          Yeah you and me both.

SFX: LIGHTER FLICKS TWICE/TAKES A DRAG OF THE CIGARETTER

CONNIE:               Marjorie when did you start smok…

SFX: DOOR OPENS IN THE BACKGROUND

HAROLD:              (In distance) Honey I’m home

SFX: WALKS CLOSER

HAROLD:              (Gets louder as he gets closer) Boy work was tough today, sorry I’m running late I..Oh Connie, I didn’t realize we were having company this evening. What’s the occasion?

MARJORIE:          Oh she just dropped by for a chat. Girl stuff, you know. Hair,nails…Fancy Dad Cakes?!...

HAROLD:              F..F..Fancy what now?

MARJORIE:          Oh don’t play coy with me Harold. I know all about you and Ted! Why Harold? Is my pie not good enough for you anymore?!

HAROLD:              Well it’s just…

CONNIE:               (Says quickly) Im going to go. Call you later Marj!

SFX: HEELS QUICKEN/DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS QUICKLY

MARJORIE:          It’s what? It’s what?!

HAROLD:              Its just different. They’re so soft and sweet and you’re pie is, well dry.

SFX: RECORD SKIPS

MARJORIE:          Excuse Me?!

SFX: MARJORIE MUMBLES ANGRILY/CABINET OPENS/DISHES CLANK

HAROLD:              Marjie? Wh...what are you doing? Easy now. That my Mother’s good China. Marj!

SFX: MARJORIE HOLLERING/HAROLD HOLLERING/PLATES SMASHING

ANNNOUNCER: Introducing Fancy Dad Cakes. Soft pillowy cakes with a sweet glaze on top. So sticky, so soft and oh so good…They just might be the death of you…Pick them up today at your local corner store. Now with two in a pack!

SFX: CRICKETS CHIRPING/WRAPPER CRINKLES

HAROLD:              (Mouthful) Mmmm they’re even better warm!

SFX: SCREEN DOOR WHIPS OPEN

MARJORIE:          (Screams) Harold!

SFX: TRASHCAN KNOCKED OVER/FEET RUNNING AWAY/DOG BARKS

ANNOUNCER:    Fancy Dad Cakes, for when your man craves something…Fancy!

SFX: RADIO STATIC/ KIDDIE COUNTRY MUSIC

FLATWOODS:     Welcome back friends! Our next guess comes all the way from a quaint island nestled in the western side of Appalachia. Please welcome Deathclaw!

SFX: APPAUSE/CHEERS

FLATWOODS:     (A little louder) I said! Please welcome Deathclaw!

FLETCHER            (In the distance) Now do It now!

SFX: ACID SIZZLING/DEATHCLAW SCREAMS/BANGING INTO THINGS/

BREAKING THINGS/BARN DOOR BURSTS OPEN

FLETCHER:           (Yells) It’s on a rampage! Run!

SFX: RUNNNING FOOTSTEPS/DEATHCLAW ROATS/FLETCHER TRIPS

FLETCHER:           Ah! My ankle!

FLATWOODS:     No No No! It’s destroying the set! Stop you brute!

SFX: MIND ZAP/DEATHCLAW RESISTS/ROARS/MIND ZAP CONTINUES

FLATWOODS:     (Grunts, struggling) Uh he’s too strong I can’t hold it! (Grunts)

SIMON:                Now’s our chance. Head for those trees!

FLETCHER:           I can’t walk. (grimaces) It’s my ankle. Leave me, I’ll only slow you down.

SIMON:                Enough people have been hurt today, you’re coming with me.

FLATWOODS:     (Struggling to hold control) No! You can’t leave…the…show…must…go…on!

SFX: FIRE RAGES/BARN COLLAPSES

SIMON:                Solomon come on! We’ve got to get of here!

SOLOMON:         Go on without me. I’ll be right behind you.

SIMON:                Be careful.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS/LIMPING FADES INTO THE DISTANCE

SOLOMON          I’m afraid your show has been cancelled…permanently.

FLATWOODS:     Wha…What are you doing?

SFX: PICKS UP PIPE/GRIPS IT TIGHT

SOLOMON:         As a man of the cloth, I oppose violence. But when someone desecrates the name of my Master…Well…the demand for justice, must be...satisfied.

FLATWOODS:     Wait! No! Stop!

SFX: PIPE SWINGS/GLASS BREAKS/DEATHCLAW ROARS AND STOMPS OFF INTO THE DISTANCE

FLATWOODS:     (Spitefully) You! (Build to scream) You’ve ruined everything!

SFX: ALIEN BLASTER FIRES

SOLOMON:         Ugh!

SFX: SOLOMON COLLAPSES

FLATWOODS:     I’m sorry young one but nothing, not even YOU, will stand in the way of my art! I really am sorry about this…

SFX: ALIEN BLASTER CHARGES UP

SFX: HEROIC TRUMPET/LARGE WINGS FLAPPING/HIGH WIND SOUNDS

FLATWOODS:     (Struggling) Where did all this wind come from?

                                                                SFX: SUPER HERO LANDING/GROUND SHAKES

MOTHMAN:       (Enraged, lower tone) Step away from the boy.

FLATWOODS:     You! How Dare you! Thiis...

MOTHMAN:       (Continue enraged tone) I said step away from the boy

MOTHMAN:       (Gently) Hang on Solomon. I’m here.

SOLOMON:         M…Mass...ter…ugh (faints)

FLATWOODS:     This isn’t the end Mothman!

MOTHMAN:       For you it will be....soon. Dust! Dust! And AWAAYYYYYYYY!

SFX: SUPERHERO TAKE OFF/WINGS FLAP INTO THE DISTANCE

END OF SCENE/TRANSITION MUSIC

                                                                SCENE 9:  INT. RBTS RADIO

SFX: RADIO STATIC/NIGHT WOLF MUMBLING/SWEARING IN

NIGHT WOLF:     Wait. Is it? Alright! Welcome back listeners. Looks like the air waves got crossed with someone else’s feed. But we are back and badder than ever! Heres another classic   hit: “Your Secret Admirer” by the Windy Wendigos.

SFX: FLICKS SWITCH

NIGHT WOLF:     Well, that was a disaster. Which means ol boss man should be showing up innnnn about 3...2...1..

SFX: HEAVY FOOTSTEPS/DOOR SLAMS OPEN

HUGO:                  What in the Hell is going on in here?! I’m out chasing leads in Watoga and I decide to turn on the ol Pip boy radio. What do I hear?...

NIGHT WOLF:     Keep your pants on boss I....

HUGO:                  (Yells) I'm not finished! What do I hear? Some classic tunes, to calm my nerves? (quickly) No no no no no. I end listening to some crackpot kids show that must have been written after one too many licks off the back of a rad toad! You better have a good explanation for this!

NIGHT WOLF:     Come on boss, I love a good practical joke as much as the next guy. Like the time I put a Cave Cricket in your office. But I don't mess with the tunes. You know that, the airwaves are sacred. I don't even like putting on half the garbage you request. I’m a bad dude but I ain't mental. The signal got hacked, plain and simple.

HUGO:                  The signal was hacked?

NIGHT WOLF:     That’s how I see it. Chinese, Russians, one of the two. How else could you explain the last half hour? Must be some type of psychological warfare, trying to break us down from the inside. Brainwash and what not.

HUGO:                  As ridiculous as that does sound, I don't know how else you would explain it.

NIGHT WOLF:     That or Aliens.

HUGO:                  Aliens? Like from outerspace?

SFX: BOTH START LAUGHING OUT LOUD

HUGO:                  (Mid laugh) You...you had me going there Night Wolf.

NIGHT WOLF:     See boss, now THATS a good joke.

SFX: LAUGHING CONTINUES THEN FADES/MORNING BIRDS CHIRPING/FEET DRAGGING IN GRAVEL

CLETUS:                Jet? Is that you?

JETHRO:               Yeah it's me.

CLETUS:                I was afraid this Cryptids got ya. When ya didn't come back.

 JETHRO:              Nah, Just had trouble seeing my way back after that Snally spit acid in my eyes. How’d you fare with the Goatsquatch?

CLETUS:                (Panicked) Goatsquatch! Where?!

SFX: KNOCKS OVER PILE OF CRATES/WHIMPERS IN CORNER

JETHRO:               Maybe we’ll just take the day off.

                                                                SCENE 10:  EXT. RED SLOE DINER.

                                                                SFX: CLANKING AND BANGING.

AMATA:               How’s it going there grease monkey?

JAKE:                     (Panting) Well it’s going. Had to do the thermal sheeting over a few times. Hey! Look who’s coming down the road!

AMATA:               Simon. What is he wearing??? Look make sure to have that talk with him. It’s going to be messy, so it’s best to get this over with fast. Just go easy on him. He’s been through a lot…he’s spent more time in THAT place than you and I have and each time he comes back there’s less of him that does. Once you guys finish up and clean up, I’ll have warm plates ready and we can talk. Make sure he understands that we aren’t abandoning him and don’t want this to get in the way of our friendship. We’ve had enough of that out here.

JAKE:                     Okay.

AMATA:               I love you.

JAKE:                     Love you too.

                                                                SFX: WALKING

SIMON:                You would not believe the bullshit I’ve been through.

JAKE:                     Got everything?

SIMON:                Yes.

JAKE:                     What the hell are you wearing?

SIMON:                I’d rather not talk about it. Here. Everything we need. Avert your eyes or something, I’m putting on normal clothes.

JAKE:                     Took you a bit, but while you were gone I got most of these parts assembled for what we had materials for.

SIMON:                There. So much better. Look, I’ve never been handy with this kind of stuff, but I can at least be your tool bitch…which wouldn’t be completely out of character (Laugh)

JAKE:                     (Sighs) Yeah yeah….cut it out. Let’s start by fabricating the metal sheeting for the reactor housing. The core assembly diagram is there…maybe you can start on that bit.

SIMON:                Sounds good.

                                                                SFX: AWKWARD SILENCE. MACHINE NOISES. CLANKING.

JAKE:                     It’s uhh…it’s been nice after everything we’ve been through to all be back together again.

SIMON:                Yeah it really has. I know we’ve been busy and everything chasing down these keys, but after the shit show the last few years have been, for the first time I feel at home. Settled. And…other things are pretty good too.

JAKE:                     Yeah…you know…

SIMON:                I love you. Both of you. It’s always been you guys when I think about it.

JAKE:                     I don’t think anyone planned it that way.

SIMON:                No, but we’ve always been close. There for each other.

JAKE:                     Is…isn’t it weird for you? The…other stuff?

SIMON:                Maybe at first. But for the first time in as long as I can remember I didn’t feel alone anymore.

JAKE:                     Yeah.

SIMON                 You sure you know what you're doing building that thing? 

JAKE:                     Can’t be any worse than the generator we used for the 4th of July celebration back in the vault.

SIMON:                How that thing held together is still a mystery to me. Sometimes I miss those days. You ever wish we could go back? Just…us…just go back there as we are now. The way we feel, what we’ve learned…but be back in there just living our lives without all of this to worry about?

JAKE:                     Nah. I mean yeah things were simpler but it doesn’t mean it can’t be that way again.       

SIMON:                I suppose you’re right. I mean look at you and Amata. I was honestly jealous of what you two have. It was always the Three Muskateers then it was Romeo and Juliet and their awkward sidekick. You’d found love.  and created some sense of normalcy in this crazy world. And then…well then things happened and now I’ve just been lucky enough to share in that. I’m grateful for that.

JAKE:                     (Annoyed) Hand me that 3/8ths will ya?

SIMON:                Here you go….

JAKE:                    That’s a ½ inch. That one right there.

SIMON:                See I told you I wasn’t handy. Here you go.

JAKE:                     With Amata I’ve been crushing on her since back in the Vault. You know how many fucking malteds I slurped down at that counter day after day trying to find the balls to ask her out. But what the three of us have now is…different.

SIMON:                What do you mean?

JAKE:                     I mean I love you, but to me you’ve always been like a brother…family.

SIMON:                (Defensive) Right…but we’re not.

JAKE:                     No, no I know. I’m just saying we’re not exactly living a normal situation all sleeping together. Can you picture the cover of our Picket Fences Magazine? (Awkward laugh)

SIMON:                Is…is there a problem? I don’t understand.

JAKE:                     No. I mean…owww….fucking metal. Sliced my finger.

SIMON:                Shit…hang on. Here…healing sauve should fix that right up.

JAKE:                     OWWW!

SIMON:                Well stop wiggling for fuck’s sake you’re going to end up with the jar all over your hand and Amata’s going to ask why she was left out.

JAKE:                     Oh ha ha. I mean….you said you wanted what we have. Instead of sharing, don’t you want something of your own?

SIMON:                There. All healed. No…I don’t know. I have everything I need now. Besides, can you imagine trying to date out here? I’d probably get catfished by a Deathclaw in a dress.

JAKE:                     No…I mean…

AMATA:               How’s it going out here? I brought you guys some lemonade.

JAKE:                     Oh thank God.

AMATA:               What?

JAKE:                     I mean I was thirsty. (Sips) Oh man that hits the spot. Thanks hun. It’s going, the helps not as pretty but he’s trying.

AMATA:               Is…everything going okay?

JAKE:                     Yeah we just started chatting. Finishing the housing and we should be good to start assembly in a second.

SIMON:                No complaints here. You know building isn’t my strong suit. I will happily switch with you Amata. You ’re better at this anyway.

AMATA:               It’s better that you help him Simon, if it’s usually the two of us we don’t get any work done. (Giggles).

JAKE:                     Who says that’s not the case here?

AMATA:               Do I need to worry about you two?

JAKE:                     Come on, you know you're my one and only.

AMATA:               I’m going to be.

SFX: KISSING

SIMON:                Ok…. (Kissing continues)

AMATA:               Let me know when you get that reactor running boys. Once you guys are done come inside and we can…talk…catch up and stuff over dinner.

JAKE:                     We will. Thanks hun.

SFX: WALKS AWAY, CLOSES SCREEN DOOR

SIMON:                No kiss for me huh? I see how it is. (Laughs)

JAKE                       Sorry dude.

SIMON:                It’s fine. I’m just busting yah. I don’t need that all the time. Here drop the control rods in. There. Water pumps are already connected to the steam generator.

JAKE                       Hand me those nuts will ya?

SIMON:                But it’s only Tuesday.

JAKE:                     Shut up. You know what I mean. Once I get these bolts tightened, we should be good to go.

SFX: SOCKET WRENCH CRANKS

JAKE:                     There. Alright let’s start er up.

SIMON:                You sure we shouldn’t switch this thing on with a very long stick? Historically I’m prone to getting blown up.

JAKE:                     It’ll be fine. Here goes!

SFX: LEVER SWITCHES. ELECTRIC SURGES AND POWERS UP. REACTOR HUMS.

JAKE:                     Ta da! Told you it would work. Simon, Simon, always worrying.

SIMON:                Yeah yeah. Here stand right there. I want to get a picture of this.                .

JAKE:                     Is this really necessary?

SFX: WALKS A DISTANCE AWAY

SIMON:                Of course. The first new fusion reactor in Appalachia. We’re making history.

JAKE:                     I guess…. But you helped too. Let me grab Amata.

SIMON:                Nah hold it there. Flex or something…she’ll love it. It’s hilarious when she compliments your nectarine biceps. (Laugh)

                                                                SFX: CAMERA SNAP

SIMON:                Perfect! And one of us…I’m going to have to long arm this thing.

JAKE:                     Okay…

SIMON:                Come here…

JAKE:                     No…listen I need to…

SIMON:                What are you being all weird for? Just hold on to me for a second…

JAKE:                     NO! God damn it!

SIMON:                What’s the matter with you?

JAKE:                     I can’t. I can’t do this. I’ve been trying to pussyfoot around but fuck it, I tell it like it is. US can’t be US. This…all of this isn’t working. I’m sorry. It’s not.

SIMON:                What do you mean?

JAKE:                     That night we were just glad to be safe again. Sickleman dead…probably. When you weren’t resurrecting, we didn’t know if we’d lost you. But then when you showed up…you save our lives and it just felt good to be together again. When we are…that’s our power. We’re unstoppable. But that night…that was a mistake. It was too much drinking and we’ve always been close…so I suppose it was fucking inevitable that…

SIMON:                A mistake? What the fuck are you talking about? We talked about it afterward. We decided to see where all this led us. WE kept sleeping together. HOW is that a mistake Jake?

JAKE:                     We talked and it can’t happen again.

SIMON:                We? You and Amata?

JAKE:                     Yes. It’s weird…

SIMON:                How? How is it weird? We can figure it out! It’s not a Picket Fences situation no, but what the hell does that matter if we’re happy? Why does it need labels or stigmas or fears? Who the hell cares? And honestly WHO is going to judge out here? Look at what our competition is! There are 5 ton bats flying through the skies and cannibals living in a luxury hotel.

JAKE:                     It’s not about judgement. You’re deflecting. Listen to me…it’s uncomfortable and it’s not what we want. I’m sorry you don’t feel the same, but we don’t. We want something simple and with each other.

SIMON:                Oh really? So all of this…these last few weeks was what? Just stringing me along? Was it for pity? Huh? Because I’m so fucking pathetic?

JAKE:                     NO! Of course not…that has nothing to do with it. We love you, we care about, but we’re friends with you. That’s it.

SIMON:                And the circle is complete once again.

JAKE:                     What?

SIMON:                A pact. You, both of you PROMISED me we’d stick together out here no matter what. Then, before the Vault Door opens you both vanish.

JAKE:                     We’ve been over all that…

SIMON:                No… you ABANDONED me. And then, when I finally find you the very first thing you do is VIOLATE me with some kind of genetic code bullshit and I spent a year, a year fighting ALONE to stop myself from turning into some cannibalistic monster. I’ve been shot, blown up, eaten, burned and once when I had my one opportunity to roll back the clock and restart my life over again…that too was taken away from me. Now you’re taking this away from me after using me.

JAKE:                     You, you, you. Jesus…it’s always what YOU want, what YOU think. Maybe if you stopped  living with your head up your ass for 5 minutes rambling on in your holotapes about how everything sucks you’d FIND happiness…instead of sucking it out others. Figure your shit out…I’m done.

                                                                SFX: WALKING

SIMON:                Where the hell are you going? I’m not done talking!

JAKE                      Fuck you!

SFX: WIND RUSTLES THE LEAVES. FARAWAY TRAN WHISTLE BLOWS. QUIET WHISPERS ON THE WIND.

                                                                SFX: HATCHET NOISE PULLED FROM STUMP.

SIMON:                NO! FUCK YOU JAKE!

                                                                SFX: HATCHET THROWN.

SIMON:                No….JAKE down!

                                                                SFX: ELECTRICAL EXPLOSION. ALARM KLAXON.

JAKE:                     Jesus! You almost took my head off! What did you do?

                                                                SFX: THRUMMING POWER BUILDING. STEAM ESCAPING.

SIMON:                I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I was just…mad and what's going on?

JAKE:                     Reactor is overheating? But that doesn't make any sense. The coolant system is destroyed.

SIMON:                Can't you just shut it off?

JAKE:                     It’s too late for that. The temperature is accelerating too fast. If we can’t release the pressure and get the temperature down, it’s going to blow.

SIMON:                Fuck that! We need to get out of here.

JAKE:                     No! I can fix this!

SIMON:                Jake. We need to go.

SFX: ALARM GETTING LOUDER, ASECOND ALARM BEGINS

JAKE:                     This is bad! Where is the?!...the coolant!

SFX: GRABS JUG, LIQUID SLOSHES AROUND

SIMON:                Who gives a shit? Let’s get the fuck out of here!

JAKE:                     It’s a fucking reactor! If it blows it’ll take everything with it...us...the diner...everything. I can’t let it just destroy what Amata and I have built. Don't worry I got this.

SIMON:                Suit yourself.

                                                                SFX: RUNNING

JAKE:                     Wait! Tell Amata! Get her out! SIMON! SIMON! Fuck!

SFX: LIQUID SPILLING

JAKE:                     There I got the coolant in, reactor temp should.....

SFX: LARGE EXPLOSION/METAL FLYING AND CRASHING ON THE GROUND.

SIMON IS KNOCKED ON THE GROUND BY THE SHOCKWAVE OF THE EXPLOSION.

SIMON:                Aaaaah! JAKE NOOOOOOOO! NO! NO! NO!

SFX: AMATA RUNS AROUND THE DINER OUT OF BREATH

AMATA:               I saw an explosion from across the street, are you guys... Simon where's Jake?...Simon!

SIMON:                I...I...I dunno. Not sure what happened. The reactor…

AMATA:               (Scream build) No! No! NOOO! JAAAAKE!

SFX: BAPCKPACK SHUFFLING/RUNNING FOOTSTEPS/FAINT CRYING

SIMON:                No! Amata wait…the radiation! You can’t go in there.

AMATA:               Damnit where is that Rad X?! There!

SFX: PILL CONAINER POPS OPEN/SWALLOWING NOISE

SIMON:                Amata don't! It's too dangerous!

AMATA:               Jake? Jake where are you?!

SFX: FIRE RAGING/SMALLER EXPLOSION IN DISTANCE

JAKE:                                     (weakly) A...Amaaata..don't.

AMATA:               Jake! Hang on!

SFX: FIRE RAGES/SKIN SIZZLES/METAL BENT/ MOVED AWAY

AMATA:               (screams) AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (screams) AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

SFX: METAL THROWN DOWN/PANTING FROM EXHAUSTION

JAKE:                     A...MA...TA...(faints)

AMATA:               Hang on, I got you!

SIMON:                It’s fine! It’ll be fine. No big deal. He c an just resurrect. He’ll be fine. It’ll be fine.

AMATA:               But at what cost Simon huh?

SFX: DRAGGING JAKE/GRUNTS AND HEAVES/INTERMITTENT CRYING

AMATA:               DONT...(grunts)....YOU DIE ON ME!!! (grunts twice)

SFX: AMATA PANTS/COLLAPSES/STIMPAK INJECTED

AMATA:               How did this happen?

SIMON:                I…I don’t know. I think he forgot the coolant or something. It happened so fast. Like I said he’ll be okay. Amata your hands! Let me...

SFX: LOUD SMACK/SIMON STUMBLES BACK

AMATA:               Don't touch me! Where were you? Did you leave him in there by himself? You were halfway across the fucking yard Simon.

SIMON:                I'm sorry, I...I didn't know...I..

AMATA:               (screaming) Grab his legs. We need to get him inside.

                                                                SFX: DRAGGING. DOOR OPENS.

AMATA:               Here…the couch.

JAKE:                     (Moaning in pain) A…mata….Amata…

AMATA:               I know…I know. Lift him. Here.

                                                                SFX: COUCH CREAK.

AMATA:               …he’s not healing. Why didn’t the Stimpak work?

                                                                SFX: RADS METER

SIMON:                It’s the Rads…he’s irradiated.

AMATA:               Here. Rad-X. Take it. Stay with him. Need to fetch my med kit.

SIMON:                Jake…don’t tell her. You can’t tell her.

JAKE:                     Get….away…from…me….

SIMON:                You can’t tell her she’ll never forgive me! You’ll be fine.

AMATA:               Here…another Stimpak.

                                                                SFX: STIMPAK NOISE.

SIMON:                It’s not working…his face…oh God his face…

AMATA:               I don’t understand.

JAKE:                     (Moaning in pain)

AMATA:               I can’t fix this. You STAY with him. Give him water…as much as he can drink. I’m going to fetch Doc C.J. Martin at the clinic. Keep an eye on him.

SIMON:                Sure…yeah. Of course.

                                                                SFX: DOOR OPENS. SLAMS.

JAKE:                     Why? (Moaning)

SIMON:                Why? What? It was an accident. Just an accident. And the coolant you messed up.

JAKE:                     (Struggling) Liar…why…

SIMON:                STOP asking that. Jesus…your skin…it’s coming off…I can’t be here. Here’s some water. I’m sure she’ll be back. I…I’ve got some things to take care of. Sure you’ll be fine.

                                                                SFX: DOOR OPENS.

JAKE:                     Wait!

                                                                SFX: DOOR SLAMS.

JAKE:                     Wait...come back… don’t leave me (moaning in pain)

                                                                SFX: TICKING OF THE CLOCK

                                                                SCENE 11:  INT. RUSTY PICK

                                                                SFX: DOOR

CHAD:                   Moose! Pats!

MOOSE:               Hey bro! Hey Doc!

DOC:                      Well here there yourself. Now where’s the patient? I don’t get to do many housecalls these days now that the clinic is open.

MOOSE:               Back here. She’s settled down a bit. I think she wore herself out trashing the place.

PUNCH:                Chode back?

CHAD:                   Yeah. Good work dude.

PUNCH:                Little friend quiet now. Punch sing a song for a bit. Think made friend not angry.

CHAD:                   Kid? Kid? You okay?       

                                                                SFX: SLOW FOOTSTEPS APPROACH. DOOR THUMPS. SMASHING BEGINS.

SUSIE:                   RARRRRRRR! (Angry snarling goes)

DOC:                      Oh dear, dear. Here my big fella. Can you make me a hole in the side wall here about yay big?

PUNCH:                Punch can do.

CHAD:                   What are you doing Doc?

DOC:                      Welp if my suspicions are correct. Going to need to sedate her to be sure.

CHAD:                   What is that?

DOC:                      Just a little tranquilizer gun. Won’t harm her a bit.

                                                                SFX: WALL CRACK

PUNCH:                Punch do! Punch do!

DOC:                      There we are. Look at that. Well done my green friend. You know before I leave I’d love to give you a check up. I don’t get much opportunity to learn about your kind…usually I just run for my life (chuckle).

                                                                SFX: CARTRIDGE LOADED.

DOC:                      Now let’s see…ah! There she is!

                                                                SFX: ANGRY CRASHES

SUSIE:                   KILLLLL RAARRRRRRRR!

DOC:                      Call to her now.

CHAD:                   Hey…kid….curtain climber. Over here. You…you remember the Easter Egg hunt? You and Ella there went out to find all them eggs we hid. You came home with a Deathclaw Egg. Man I’ll never forget when that pissed off Mom came looking for it.

                                                                SFX: FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

SUSIE:                   Eeee….eeeegggg….

CHAD:                   That’s right.

SUSIE:                   Chhhh chhhhh

CHAD:                   Come on….remember….

SUSIE:                   Chhhh….rrrrrrARRRRRRR!

DOC:                      There!

                                                                SFX: DART FLIES THROUGH AIR.

SUSIE:                   (Angry growling)

DOC:                      Just a few seconds more.

SUSIE:                   (Growling noises fades to whimper)

                                                                SFX: STUMBLE. BODY THUDS TO FLOOR.

DOC:                      Right on time! Safe now. You can unlock the door son.

                                                                SFX: DOOR UNLOCKS. OPENS.

CHAD:                   Jeez…look at this place…

DOC:                      Now let’s see…

                                                                SFX: BUTTONS POPPED.

CHAD:                   What’s that?

DOC:                      Just need to check her heart rate and look at her skin color. Hand me my bag will you boy?

CHAD:                   Here you go. Is…is she going to be okay?

DOC:                      Hmm…pulse is off the charts. Pupil response….hand me that syringe.

CHAD:                   You need some blood or something?

DOC:                      Yes sir. Now, now…let’s see here…

                                                                SFX: SYRINGE.

DOC:                      Hand me that cable there son. Going to let the ol’ PipBoy do the work.

                                                                SFX: PIPBOY NOISES.

DOC:                      Ah…that’s what I was afraid of.

CHAD:                   What is it? What’s wrong?

DOC:                      This sometimes happens to ghoul folk. To be honest…we don’t know why. Sometimes, inevitably and eventually they go…feral.

CHAD:                   What the hell do you mean?

DOC:                      I mean…she’s fading. I’ve been looking into it, had a few cases of families losing fathers, or mothers…but this is the first case I’ve seen in a child.

CHAD:                   Well what can you do?

DOC:                      Nothing son. You just keep her comfortable or you let her go. I’m not about to tell you what to do between those two options, but some families have made the decision themselves.

CHAD:                   Listen here you son of a bitch…whatever you need, whatever it takes. Caps? You need caps? I’ll get some. Supplies? TELL ME! TELL ME WHAT I CAN DO?! (On the verge of tears)

DOC:                      Listen son I…

CHAD:                   I can’t lose her. TELL ME! There has to be something.

DOC:                      I wish I could help, but I don’t know what to tell you. Once the process starts it doesn’t stop. I figured it’s something in the blood but that’s about it.

CHAD:                   (Anguish, crying) Please, you don’t understand….she’s…she’s MY kid. She’s like my own flesh and blood now. PLEASE! Whatever it takes…

DOC:                      Flesh and blood…well…hmmm…there’s one possibility. You remember your blood type son from your check ups in the Vault?

CHAD:                   I…O negative why?

DOC:                      AH! Perfect. You can be a donor for anybody.  She’s A negative, so you just about rolled the dice there. Listen…this is a long shot and we’re talking real experimental here. There’s a chance…just a chance…son.

CHAD:                   Whatever it is I’ll do it.

DOC:                      Now hold your horses…you don’t understand what’s required here. I can’t promise anything…but a transfusion would be enough to flush her system.

CHAD:                   How much? She can have it.

DOC:                      You don’t understand. Whatever is in their blood, whatever causes them to go feral is systemic and widespread. She’d need a total transfusion. All of it.

CHAD:                   She’d need all her blood replaced? Do it.

DOC:                      Well don’t go swallowing the barrel just like that! You understand what I’m saying here…you’ll die and I know that seems to matter less these days, but I’ve been seeing some troubling side effects of whatever in tarnation is behind this resurrection cycle.

CHAD:                   Doesn’t matter. What do you need?

DOC:                      That’s the problem. The kind of equipment needed can only be found in one place AVR Medical Center. Here…let me sketch it out for you. You’ll most likely find it in the operating rooms or trauma center.

CHAD:                   Fine. I’ll be back quick as I can.

DOC:                      And timing is a factor here son. Whatever this degenerative disease is that causes them to go feral destroys the mind. Memory, personality, cognition…all are taken out. So you best run like the wind.

PUNCH:                Punch come with Chode?

CHAD:                   No. You stay here with the Doc, Moose and Pats. I’ll be quicker on my own. This is for me to do. Will she be okay while I’m gone?

DOC:                      Yes indeed…not to worry. I’ve hooked her up with a sedative here on IV. We’ll move her into a bedroom so she’s as comfortable as possible.

CHAD:                   (Kisses forehead, whispers in her ear) You listen here kid…I’ll be back soon. Don’t you give up on me, you hear?

PUNCH:                Punch take care of friend. Chode run! Chode run!

CHAD:                   Be back soon.

                                                                SFX: RUNNING. DOOR OPENS. SLAMS.

DOC:                      Godspeed son. Now…come on my green friend, let’s gently move her downstairs okay? One…two…three…up! Hold on kid…just hold on.

MEDIA: OUTRO THEME

KEN:                      This is Kenneth Vigue again and before you go I wanted to share my thoughts on this episode. This story dealt with a heavy theme in terms of sexuality and though I wrote this episode originally as part of season one, I kept putting it off for several reasons. For me, I grew up an era still when it was not acceptable to be gay and my coming to terms with who I was took me a long, long time. To this day, it’s been personally incredibly important to me that being gay and the gender of the person I am married be a facet of who I am, but not something that defines me. I’ve dangled some threads throughout the stories that hinted at Simon’s and even Jake’s sexuality in the past as throwaway lines, but now 2 years in it makes sense for our characters to look for companions on the long, empty roads. For reasons that will become clear this season over time, the relationship between Jake, Amata and Simon had to progress and Simon’s sexuality had to be a part of that. My hope is that you’ll appreciate the manner in which I presented it here. This show will always be about dark humor and goodness we had a rollercoaster ride with it in this episode. As always, thank you for your time and listening. The next episode is something very special. Until then, I hope to see you in the Wasteland.